Apologizing for the length but I needed to get it out there...

I was hoping that we could just leave the end of therapy week on "friendly" terms. But the day before yesterday during all the chaos of no water and no power and Chuck E. Cheese's. There was a brief moment in the therapist's waiting room where I repressed my tears because that bitch wasn't going to get a rise out of me, nor a tear. I wasn't going to give her that satisfaction.

She did the terminating session with SS and she was supposed to do a terminating session with the oldest. Instead she called me in and for an hour she was totally passive aggressive with me the entire time. She verbally attacked me left and right for an hour and spent less than 15 minutes terminating with the oldest.

She said she wanted to talk to me. I went in the room and we sat down, she told me that she felt that *I* had a problem with her. I told her that I likED her and thought she was going to help us but after I started telling her that the kids didn't want to see her anymore she started treating me badly and I wasn't happy about that.

She told me she felt all this happened when I asked for a week off. I told her it had actually happened two weeks before that. The kids came to me after a session and were telling me they didn't feel comfortable with her anymore because she asks weird questions. I don't know how many times I told her who and what but she still thinks it's because of me. I told her that I never promised the kids they would get to do other activities if they didn't have therapy. I told her what I tell them. They have to earn it, they have to do what they are supposed to do and they have to act their age.

She told me that the kids have expressed that they don't want to stop coming to see her. I said really because when I talked to SS today and told her it was her last day with you she pumped her fist in the air and did a dance.

She said "Really, SS?" I said yeah and the only reason I told her about that was because she had already terminated with SS. So I knew she couldn't go after her.

So then she says "Well maybe she thinks if she doesn't come back she is all better." I say whatever. My kids don't like you. She scares them and intimidates them.

She said she didn't understand what I meant by her being mean and wanted an example. So, I told her about the session with the boy where she told me that I was basically only going to be a caregiver because I'm not mother material.

She said she felt that I had misunderstood what she was saying. I sat back because I thought "hmmm, ok." and I listened to her tell me that I am a great manager and that is what the kids need but they also need love and affection. I agreed. But please help me out here because if that's not reiterating that I am not mother material, than what the hell is she really saying...please toss your two cents in. As a mother, how would you feel if that was said to you?

Anyhow, I just nodded my head thinking this was not worth the fight. I guess she wasn't happy with my response because she kept picking. She said "you think that these kids don't have issues." I sat forward and I said " I know these kids have issues." Then she told me that she thinks that I don't think that I'm as bad as I am. I believe it was "I don't think you know that your issues are as bad as they are." I told her I knew that I was messed up. I wasn't projecting my own abuses on my kids. I can recognize some of what they are feeling because I went through some of the same stuff myself. I can see the pain or the fear on their faces and feel what they are going through. She basically said she doubted that I had been through anything near what they had but not in those words.

That seemed to make her happy. But not enough. She said she wanted to talk to me about spanking the children. Now let me tell you before these children, I had never spanked a child in my life. I didn't know what to do anymore and I told her I was going to start spanking she said "Just don't leave any marks." I remember looking at her incredulously and telling her "I'm not going to beat them." After that declaration it was 2 weeks before anyone got spanked in my house. Even then it only lasted about a month and it wasn't a regular occurrence. I'm back to believing spanking doesn't work. Plus, if she had done her job she would have let me know when I first told her. She knew no one had been spanked yet.

She told me that spanking them was abusive. When I spanked the children, I pulled them over my lap and pulled down there pants and gave them a swat. Also, when they were talking back to me and screaming and wouldn't stop I would swat them on the mouth after three warnings and telling them to go to their room. That happened like 4 times total with three different children. I told her I was doing that she didn't say it was bad or not to. Of course, now I know.

I really didn't see how spanking them in that way was abusive or sexually abusive. If she would have said that to me I wouldn't have done it again. For me, when my Aunt spanked me once that way when I was a child it was the most civil I had ever been disciplined in my life. I remember it clearly because I hadn't done anything wrong. My play doh had dried up some and I had read on the jar that I was supposed to add a tiny bit of water to it when that happened. So I was doing that when I got in "trouble".

I've been flung from my hair into a closet because I was the oldest and my sister lost her shoe and I needed to find it because my mom was going to be late for work. My mom routinely smacked me or pulled my hair and threw me around for the sins of my sisters. My step father punched me in the face for no other reason but because I was there. I was plugging in a vacuum and when I turned around he punched me hard in the face. He also punched me on my head several times because he was jealous of the attention my maternal family gave me. That's abuse to me. I did not see a swat as abuse. I do not like to spank and it was always the final straw.

Because of what had happened to me, with my kids, I made extra sure if any of the kids got a spanking that I knew what happened exactly by seeing it with my own eyes, if there was any ambiguity I did not spank and they are all liars so most of the time it was anyone's guess and nothing happened. I also clearly told them three times if they didn't stop they would get a swat and that it was their choice.

At any rate, I figured out that's what she was threatening me about when she said there were things she could report me on but hadn't. I say report away. There hasn't been any spanking in over two months. That's how short-lived that episode was. It makes me angry because I would go in and tell her. There hasn't been any spanking for 2 days, a week, etc... I was proud of them and I told them I didn't like to do it and didn't want to. If she thought it was bad why didn't she tell me, why did she let me do it? So she could have something on me? Because that's what it feels like. She has that smug look on her face. I had to find out from a book that I should have never done that.

She said that she doesn't understand how I could do the therapeutic hold (that she told me and taught me to do by the way) but I wouldn't give my kids affection.

First, my kids get affection--when they want it. I explained to her how I felt about forced affection being a violation and not affection. Plus, I told her I didn't understand what she was saying. She said that I am so willing to discipline my kids but not give them affection and she doesn't understand. I told her that I didn't know that the therapeutic hold was a form of a discipline. She said "really?" sarcastically "well what did you think it was?". I told her I thought it was a way to help protect the child from hurting themself when they were thrashing and tantruming and then a way to try to bond when it was over.

She didn't have anything to say about that and BTW, I don't believe for a minute a therapeutic hold is a form of discipline. We haven't used the hold in a long time either.

She said that she can't believe that I find forcing affection on my children sexually abusive but not spanking them. I told her I didn't think the manner I was spanking them in was abusive. There was no sexual intent or innuendo. Nothing like that ever crossed my mind.

Then she said, still sarcastically, "Well I'm sorry if I snapped at you that day but it upsets me that a mother can't hug her children. I can't wrap my head around that. I hope that you are able to grow and get over your issues and love these children."

I gave up, I just looked her dead in the eye and I told her "I will" I mean there's no point in fighting with the almighty herself (as she thinks she is).

You can ask my kids if they are getting enough love and affection and they will tell you they are. You can ask my kids if they get hugs and affection when they want and they will tell you they do.
She keeps asking them if they are getting enough attention and affection to the point that they are tired of it.

She's blaming me for their RAD symptoms. The lying, the stealing, the tantrums, etc... it's my fault because I'm not giving them enough love and attention. Which is hilarious to me because when I told her that I too wanted to end sessions so I could have more time at home with the kids she told me I was doing all that I could and that I was doing everything right and that there was five of them and only one of me and there would never be enough to go around. So which is it?

Oh but let me tell you, all the kids successes, they aren't because of my work with the kids nor the kids hard work at all. It's all because of her therapy. I don't see how us all sitting around telling on each other while she yawns is therapy and I think she knew it because she told me she stopped working on bonding with us because no bonding could be done when there was so much chaos and trouble going on...does that even make sense? It seems by not working on bonding we are just perpetuating the trouble.

I want to know-- Moms with RAD kids in therapy...have your therapists ever told you to force affection on your children? You know when they are mad at the world and hate you with the fiercest of hates because you breathe? When they are stiff and uncomfortable or when they tell you not to hug them or touch them?

The other thing that happened is that the boy went in for his terminating session today happy and hugging me and stuff and when he came out he wouldn't even look at me and he seemed angry with me. I tried to talk to him but he didn't seem to want anything to do with me which was strange. He loosened up after we went outside of the office and walked around while we waited for CDQ to finish.

At dinner, I reminded Poufy that her last day was tomorrow. I talked to Hubs about how weird the boy was acting and Hubs said it was like she was turning them against us.

That's when CDQ piped in that she was too scared to tell us but a while ago the therapist had asked her if I was a bad person because she (the therapist) told her that she thought I was a bad person. I was going to ask her more about it but Hubs thought she was lying and told her that the therapist would never say I was a bad person. I told Hubs "after she called me in last time I wouldn't be surprised if she did" ( I hadn't talked to Hubs about all that had transpired because I didn't want to say anything with the kids around.)

So that's where we stand going into our last appointment today. I think if she asks to speak to me again I am going to decline because I am tired of biting my tongue and I'm apt to tell her where to go with detailed verbal instructions.

The Joys of Rural Living

So yesterday as I was getting ready to leave for the therapist's office the power went out. Just *pouf* gone, everything is dead.

I went outside and could see the police, paramedics, and fire truck coming down the only street that leads out to where I live and conversely the only street that leads into town.

Someone hit a pole. I had to load everyone in the van to take them with us because no electricity means no fans and we do not have any other kind of cooling.

Well, when we got out there it looked like someone had a backhoe on a trailer that took out the wires. But after talking to other neighbors who had left before me I was told that a drunk driver hit a pole and the wires just happened to fall on the backhoe that was being pulled on a trailer. They know it was a drunk driver because there was a man in the backseat of a police car and multiple cans of beer on the roof of said police car. Lovely.

I called the therapist to let her know that they told us 45 minutes until they could let us pass. Turns out about 5 minutes later they let us through.

We got to therapy and that event is a whole post on it's own.

After therapy, we rushed back because we had a cooling guy coming out to give us a quote on having A/C installed. Let's just say that's not gonna happen because the cost would be a good chunk that would be better used for a down on a new house.

The power of course was still out so we decided we were going to go out to dinner. When the power goes out, we don't have water either because the electricity to the well goes out.

We decided Chuck E. Cheese's would be good. We figured it would have better AC then McDonald's and the kids would have plenty to do. We were fortunate enough to be behind the kindest man ever. He gave us two sets of coupons that brought down our bill tremendously and as the evening progressed he handed a few of our kids two inch stacks of tickets!

We closed Chuck E. Cheese's. Lord Oh Lord! Do you know what it's like to stick those little tickets in the counter machine 1 or 2 at a time? AGGGGGGHHHH! The Boy had 97, Poufy had 310, CDQ had 365 and SS had 277. The oldest did her own by herself.

When we got home they were out there working on the wires. The electricity didn't come back on until 1 am. I know this because I couldn't put Hubs in bed until then. He has an electric hospital bed.

To top things off, we spent most of today with out water because we didn't know how to get it started. The poor well guy was late to work because of no alarm and he didn't get to reset it before he tore off to work. At least he showed me how to get it going if it happens again.

But I guess the best part was being up ALL night sick to my stomach. I will never eat at Chuck E. Cheese's again. My stomach is still a little loopy. The kids must have stomach's made of steel!
Although, I see I'm not the only one who has a bone to pick with Chuck E.

The Cat Saga Continues...

So, I still have the cats since last week.

Smudge showing me on her calendar just how loooooong they have been here.

These kittens are no longer wild but LOVE attention and sadly think they have found a home. They have been living in my laundry room or as the cats call it, their "playroom". There are literally tons of toys in that room. Cat toys to be specific.



There's also a huge cat tree that spans from the floor to the ceiling, not to mention the cushy little beds and jungle gym type equipment for them to run through and play with.



They are in heaven.



Lots of purring and licking and no I am not going to keep them. I can't. My other cats will not hear of it.

"I don't think so!"

"Uh..NO!"

Can you tell they aren't happy? Scrawn wouldn't even let me get her picture.

I called the realtor and she told me she was going to pick them up, since then no answer. She's not answering her phone or returning her pages. Conveniently her mailbox is always full. I knew when she called me back, there was a certain "Aww, shit!" quality to the tone of her voice when she realized who she just called and why I was calling.

I wasn't keeping the Mama Cat inside, but instead outside in a foldable kennel that zips up. Last night she figured out how to unzip it and she's gone.



I think there should be some kind of law for people like the old neighbors, the new neighbors and the Realtor. They all knew about the situation and instead they are ignoring it at the cost of lives. I think the three kittens that I couldn't catch are now dead. I have not seen them at all.



In the mean time I am dealing with a huge fly problem that is plaguing the dogs now. Turns out the kittens decided to use under Hubs ramp as a litter box and now we are inundated with flies. I've bought these bag traps that have something in them that I add water to and it traps them in there. The bag was so full of flies it was solid black inside and that's just from overnight. When I picked up the bag to toss it, the flies were TALKING in this weird tone sound seemingly as one. EWWWW! *shivers*



We've cleaned out the stuff from under the ramp but the poor dogs have flies all on them and it seems like they are most drawn to their nose. I feel so bad for our dogs. We didn't have this problem before. At least that bag thing cleared up most of them. I have another one out already.



It's just not right.

Trying to bring her back

Yesterday, SS had two teeth pulled, 2 spacers put in and a crown.

I was worried because her previous dental experience was a nightmare. I don't have dental problems so I didn't know all about the crowns, root canals and all the ton of work these kids needed to get them fixed up.

I also didn't know when a dentist was being an A-hole when it came to treatment. Turns out he pulled teeth, forced crowns that didn't fit and was just awful to SS all without numbing her. He gave her a shot but left her there for so long it had worn off and she felt everything. He had her in a headlock putting these things in and he even left a bruise on her cheek. He assured me this was normal. No, SS wasn't fighting him, she was trying to hold back the tears.

I trusted the dentist because he was referred to us by the kids Godmother. I guess he doesn't like working with kids though. He referred us out to a pediatric dentist for the two youngest and when I had their work done and saw the difference I felt like such a fool for allowing and believing the other dentist who told me things were "normal".

So, SS went in for the first time with this new awesome dentist. I tried to reassure her that this would be different but I don't blame her for not believing me at first. This dentist is incredible. SS only cried once and it was from fear at the beginning.

He pulled two teeth and she didn't even know it. I happened to be reading about trauma while we were waiting and I finally understood where SS was at.

SS has perhaps the worst case out of all of them of PTSD. We think she saw her biological father kill her baby sister. It's all up in the air because she shuts down. She's on meds to control hallucinations. She disassociates frequently but when she's "here". She's funny and happy and carefree. She has the biggest heart and the prettiest smile.

I've been worried about her. She insists that she's not hallucinating or hearing voices anymore.
She also says she's sleeping fine. But she's still not here and I've been worried until now.

Today at the dentist's office she wouldn't even look at me, as it's been over the space of three weeks. She gets happy but she hasn't been happy.

While she was in the chair, I reached out for her hand. I squeezed it the way I do when we hold hands. It's "our" thing. At first, she didn't respond and I felt so sad.

But then as they were working on her teeth. She smiled in between and started squeezing my hand and she pulled me close. I caught a glimpse of the real SS that gets tucked away to be kept safe by her.

Afterwards I took her out for a frosty and then to the Dollar Store for the some hair accessories and some lip balm because I read that lip balm can help with bonding if the child feels nurtured and likes the feeling from it.

I was so happy for that connection. I almost felt like when we left the office, the anticipation of going to the dentist and the unknown may have caused her to be spacy. It's so hard to know. But for now we have her back and she's bouncy and happy and talking about radio Disney and just being herself.

I'm proud of her and I know she's proud too. She survived the dentist and brought her trophy teeth home in a little plastic ring container to prove it!

For The Love Of All That Is Good...

Why is it the minute I sit on the toilet or step into the shower...the phone rings?

Why???

Is there some kind of silent alarm on the shower door or the toilet seat that alerts people to the fact that they need to call, or in the case of Little Miss Purries run and dash in the bathroom right before I close the door?

I swear that cat can look like she is in such a deep sleep and the next thing I know I turn around to flush the toilet and see her face peering from behind it.

*sigh*

Attaching In Adoption

I've been reading the book Attaching In Adoption by Deborah D. Gray.

I was going to post about the stages of grief and how, as the parent, I can so relate to the parent stages of grief but anyhow, I will save that for another time because at the moment, I am struck by one of the stories in the book.

My children have definitely been traumatized, they all suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But when I read the anecdote about Melody/Melanie. I had to reread it again.

On Pg. 116 it states "Eight-year-old Melody's story follows a typical order: work on attachment,then on trauma, and finally on grief."

Whoa!

My kids have been consistently working on trauma and grief. So could it be my initial feeling that we needed to attach and bond before they could actually work on the trauma and grief be spot on?

They tell the story of Melanie's mom, specifically-- "They dropped all outside activities in order to slow life down."

But wait...hold the phone...

Pg.117

"Meeting basic needs for comfort is always a good place both to begin and to come back to when helping children through trauma. Slowing down the pace of life is key. Traumatized children already have more than they can deal with."

Hmmm. I think I might have heard that somewhere. Oh, hell...didn't I just tell that to the therapist? I feel like we need to be home, we need to be together, they need me. We need to bond first.

Wasn't our week home proof that we need to do this and wasn't I right about them acting up because we were returning to what currently was causing them issues--therapy?

She wants me to hold them and put lotion on them and to read to them, etc... but as I told her, how can I do that when I come home, make dinner, they get showers and it's already bed time? Where do I schedule it in when the only thing we are doing is seeing the therapist? There are 5 of them, as she keeps reminding me.

But I'm a bad mother who isn't gonna be nothing but a caregiver, right?

I so can't wait until this week is over.

This is what I needed. I knew something had to give and I was so worried about making a mistake. I'm just going to follow my heart because apparently it's not that broken after all.

PS...things might be looking up in the neighborhood. I was so blatantly nosy because I needed to know that the punk across the street was really moving out. I mean he brought all the gang crap to our neighborhood and I'm really counting on his leaving meaning that he is taking it with him.

His pregnant girlfriend came and I couldn't tell if she was dropping stuff off or picking up. I told Hubs she has to be picking up because that's the way it works. The loser boyfriend always moves in with the girl. Sure enough, they were packing his 7 things up and they took off. Please oh please...let them work and let them relocate some place else and let the house across the street return to the nonexistence that it was before that boy hit puberty. Oh and please don't let the people who stayed keep the crap up. Amen.

Why I changed my name...

I decided to change my name because well, Zen Master was from a different time and place, back in my college days. I'd tell the story but I fear it won't be as funny as it was to us.

Besides, it doesn't fit. I chose Accidental Mommy because that's basically what I am. Of course some people might think I belong on the Maury show or something because it sort of sounds like I might have had a lot of unplanned pregnancies, when in truth, I've never been pregnant.

I'm an Accidental Mommy because I offered my home to my nieces and nephew while my half sister was supposed to be getting her act together only to find out it was an elaborate plan between our mother and my half sister to rid themselves of the burden that the kids were and yet keep up appearances by telling people I took them.

Unfortunately for them, I have the papers signing the kids to me and the court ordered termination of parental rights due to not completing court assigned tasks.

So because of that, I am now an accidental mommy.

And then it will be over...

As I sat in the therapist's office waiting for my kids, I realized that I was feeling very ill. I wondered if it was just being in the office and the stress of all the BS that was making me feel that way.

Poufy came out as I was calling Hubs to confirm that he hadn't thought of something else I needed to pick up because even though I have a cell phone it's always when I walk through the door that I hear "Oh yeah!, I was gonna call you...we need...". ARGH!

Anyway, Poufy came out and she was staring at me, I finally asked her why she was acting weird. She told me what had transpired. When she told me that, I asked yet again where she got the "Other things" part. They all were chiming that they wanted to do other things. I've never promised them other things. I've told them they can do activities when they earn, when they act their age, and when they are doing the things they are supposed to do. Always.

Because when they did softball, I paid a TON of money for banquets and stuff that they didn't even end up going to. I learned my lesson.

I started to get suspicious about what exactly was going on here. I started questioning. I really liked the new therapist until I had to let her go. I mean if the kids at different times were reporting to me and Hubs that she was weird and mean and they didn't like her, how much therapy can they get done? When I talked about terminating, that's when the claws came out. She's been unprofessional and mean to me ever since.

I think she thinks I am saying stuff about her. As childish as that is, I'm not. Apparently, the oldest said something about her doing it for the money, and how could she not deduce that when she's been with me and the therapist has talked about how many hours she puts aside for my family and how she needs to make a living, etc...?

I just found out inadvertently that Poufy asked her if she sees them for money. Grrreat!

I wish the therapist would just talk to me. She knows the kids are habitual liars. It's part of their diagnosis. *shaking my head*

Anyway, the other issue is the boy. He knows how to put on a good show. Really. The previous therapist had said that about him, but I didn't quite understand what he meant until the Boy's session this past week. You see now that we are terminating, the therapist is working on bonding issues.

Well, the boy knows the right things to say. He told the therapist he was damaged because his mom didn't feed him baby food. As the BS was getting deeper. I did stiffen and I pulled away as the therapist leaned in closer and closer giving him the exact reaction he wanted. He was eating it up.

I'm not discounting that it may be an issue but I have to wonder since I had been talking to Hubs in our bedroom at night well after their bedtime about how I couldn't remember seeing jars of baby food, etc... the night before whether he was pulling from that and testing the waters.

He's never said he's damaged. I didn't even think he knew what the word meant. He made up a story about how the oldest said that but I know she doesn't use that word either and I asked her about it and she said it never happened.

Anyway, the writing was on the wall, and I understood now how he was comfortable in the victim role and willing to perpetuate it for as long as he was getting the reaction he wanted. When I redirected from that to something else (because it was so obvious to me it was BS) he tried to play with her toys and she snapped at him.

The boy uses his biological parents as a crutch. I know he has issues and trauma. No doubt at all. But when he uses it for reasons like: not being able to count by tens, or mainly to get out of things he doesn't want to do. It's total BS. Especially when I turn it and say something like "well, if you are feeling that way maybe it's not a good idea to go outside" and then all of a sudden he's fine.

At any rate, I finally laid down a schedule with her and our last day will be next Thursday. Sadly enough, I'm not sure that I am relieved. I keep telling myself it is the right decision but only time will tell really.

Adult Tantrum Throwing at it's best...

I am going to share one of my not so great moments with all of you. At least I came in my room and did it only in front of Hubs. Which is still bad...

Our neighbors sold their house. New neighbors moved in within days of each other. The old neighbors, whom we liked a lot, did not speak english but they were great neighbors until they moved out.

They left behind their cat and her 5 kittens.

In come new neighbors. New neighbors don't seem to care that there is an adult cat with 5 kittens starving to death. I happened to pick up the mother cat and found that I could almost touch my thumb and forefinger even though my hand was around her waist. She was starving to death. I put food out and her and the little ones came and ate.

I talked to the new neighbors and the impression was that they weren't going to do anything about them. In fact, right in front of me they started shooing the kittens into my yard. Um, ok.

*cue twilight zone music*

I thought I might help them along by helping catch the cat and the kittens. I was able to catch three kittens and decided to leave the mom out since she was now coming to me and was instrumental in catching the three that I had.

Well, fast forward a day, one of my kids decided she was allowed to play with the cats and accidentally let one of the caught ones lose. DAMN!

While trying to recapture that one, I realized the new neighbors had covered up their fence so that the kittens could not come back into their yard. Thereby trapping the kittens in our yard.

We are in monsoon season, the kittens found a way under my house. Lovely.

Not happy.

Then comes the next day. I have a gray and white male unfixed cat at my house singing the blues and rubbing and spraying all over everything.


So at that I start to get angry.

I called the Humane Society and left a message (still no reply to this day), I called the realtor of our former neighbors. I was pulling out my hair.

Finally the realtor called us and I think it was a call she wished she hadn't made. She told me she would come and get the cats and I felt some relief that at least two kittens would be ok.

I guess what I forgot to mention is that the new neighbors have three big dogs who do not like cats and they spend their time searching and growling for the kittens. I'm worried they are going to catch one and rip it to shreds.

So, she said she would be at my house in 45 minutes to an hour. Not 5 minutes after that, the child who accidentally let one kitten out somehow accidentally let them all out. They were all loose again.

I went to my room and I lost it. I have a box full of stuff from the living room (almost done with the remodel) and I kicked the crap out of it.

Hubs was confused because he doesn't know why it's such a big deal.

Hmmmm, dead cats under the house? Mauled cats next door? All possibilities. Not to mention how many more cats 6 cats can produce in a year. If they don't care about the 6 cats and they are blocking them into our yard, what makes him think they won't care about a couple gazillion?!?!


Oh, and did I mention the neighbors on the other side of us just up and left and it's up for rent again.

Dear God, please send us some good neighbors...please!?! With a good boy the boy's age so he can have a friend. Thank you for your consideration,




*updated to add that I have caught the Mom cat and two kittens. Poor Kittens. They are starving and they tried their best to evade me, but I could tell in the end, they just gave up and let me capture them. They were hot, tired and thirsty. There are three kittens left. Wish me luck.

Restraint

Possibly the one thing that therapy has taught me.


I've bit my tongue with the therapist several times today because in her world if she doesn't agree with you, you're the stupid one. How do I know this? Uh, maybe it was the rolling of the eyes or the shaking of the head or her exasperated voice.

We basically butted heads over forced affection today. She feels she knows more than me and that I am projecting my past abuses on the kids. As RAD kids she said they will push away from hugs and kisses when they need it the most.

But where I am coming from is I can see my childs reaction and *feel* what I see on their faces. I feel the fear, the disgust, the uncomfortableness. I know those looks I've experienced them myself.

Today she wanted me to hold the boy in my lap. He's been resistant to me because he's afraid and he doesn't trust me. I want ways to work on the trust issue when the issue isn't really all about me but more about his past hurts. He definitely has mother issues. I feel along with the trust will come the affection and closeness and bonding. It's been working fine with the others so far.

What I wanted to explain to her but knew I would be wasting my time is that, no, the boy may not have seemed resistant to her but she's an authority figure in his eyes. If she had told him to get undressed he wouldn't even question her. Not that she would but that's the extreme I'm trying to show.

My problem with forcing affection on them is that it's not affection when it's forced. For instance, my exstepfather hid behind that affection bullcrap and probably still does. He would force kisses on me even though I DID resist. It's not affection, it's teeth mashed against my lips, it's the taste of him pushing against my closed lips so hard he separates them. It's a violation. To my exstepfather it's "affection". Hugs that pin you down on the ground unable to breath or move under his weight. Biting him as hard as you can when all it does is make him push harder. But that's just "playing".

It started out as hugs and kisses but still felt wrong and like a violation because I didn't want them. I am not going to do that to my kids of course but I know that feeling of not wanting that, not wanting a person to touch or be near you. My kids have that feeling. It's a violation of their space.

I respect their space. They come to me for hugs on their terms and respect that. When I see they need a hug, I offer it without offense if declined. But I'm a bad mother.

At least, the way it was put to me is that there are the mother's that are earth mother's and we know who they are because they are everybody's mother. Then there are the mother's who think with their mind.

I am the mother who thinks with my mind apparently. That's what I have been informed by the therapist. She can't force me to bond with them or be affectionate. But I will only be a caregiver and not a mother and I will have to deal with that if that is what I want.

Yes.

That is what she said to me. Because I wouldn't force my son to sit and cuddle in my lap.

When she left the room, I asked my son if he wanted me to do what the therapist was doing or if he wanted me to wait until he was ready. He whispered looking at the floor "wait until I am ready."

How am I wrong?

I feel this therapist, who has never been a mother, herself has it all wrong. She might think she has the knowledge but I have the experience of certain feelings.

Because the boy didn't stay stiff as a board and because he molded after she pushed him into position she said it was uncomfortable but not resistance. He won't say no to an authority figure!
She likened it to a drug baby with stiff joints that has to be worked. If you are saying WTF? I was thinking it because I've got her down on that one too!

I raised 4 drug babies from when I was 15 until I was 22 with a one year hiatus while I was off at college. I know what it's like to hear piercing screams just because you turned on a light and it was too bright for the baby. I know how to swaddle a baby so tightly it would seem like it was too much but the pressure is just right for the baby. I know how to soothe a newborn who is crying just because it hurts to breathe and be alive. These things are in my heart. I know what it is to see 4 children be destroyed: beautiful, bright, happy, well adjusted children that I made that way be torn down to nothing. I know what it's like to lose a child to suicide. Maybe not my biological child but the closest thing to my own children this far. Moreso than these children who are actually mine now and only because two of them were with me since they were newborn and the other two were 3 and 2 years old.

For her to sit there and tell me I am a cold mother, She's basically saying the same thing my ex-stepfather told me- I don't know how to love, I'm not capable, she's trying to put me back in that victim position.

I am not a cold mother, if anything my own personal life experiences have put me in a position to see some things clearer than other people can. In her world her education and her social position make her better than me. That's also clear in her condescending manner.

That is the bottomline.

I can't wait until we are free from her.

I wasn't sure what my stance on therapy was at the beginning but I'm agreeing more with Kether's comment in the previous post more and more. But there's a part of me that wonders when I read comments or situations like Brenda's.


Who knows?

5 years ago...

After two years of friendship,we decided to take it to the next level.

I remember, we went on our first date five years ago today- we saw "Finding Nemo". You met me in the parking lot with a stuffed talking Nemo fish and a Nemo watch for my niece. Cute.

I also remember I was very soon to be on my way out--moving to Ithaca, NY. lol God knows that plan changed.

Here we are today, through all the ups and downs. It's been a very rough and rocky road. We've had our disagreements (I still say the woman was talking and NOT the bird!), but it hasn't been all bad.

When you came along, I had asked God to send me someone special, I thought he had got it all wrong (lol) but the more we grow together I can see what he was thinking when he brought us together. We can be like oil and vinegar because you are so stubborn and such a b.r.a.t. (inside joke) But in the end we compliment each other. We are good and we fit together.

He did good.

This songs for you, my love.




A funny thing bout luv we choose
It ain't perfect but we do the best we can
Do U understand
And I luv U more than words can say
Here's to knowin that you'll stay with me
Through the complications
Baby what I'm sayin
I don't wanna give up on our fate
And I don't wanna think that it's too late
So if something is broke
Let me go and fix it
And if something is lost
Let me go and get it
Cause I don't wanna stand when all is done
And I'll b next to U cause Your the one
I said it twice
And I'm a say once more
Your the one I want
I'm never gonna lechu go
There are times
When I don't get around to say what I feel like sayin
Nooo
There are times
When it gets so hard I feel like I can't take it
U make me want U
And fight U
Luv U
And despise U
Still when it feels like I ain't got nothin left
I remind myself that
I don't wanna give up on our fate no
And I don't wanna think that it's too late
So if something is broke
Let me go and fix it
And if something is lost
Let me go and get it
Cause I don't wanna stand when it's all done
And I'll b next to U cause
Your the one
I said twice
I'm a say once more
Your the one I want
I'm never gonna lechu go
Whao whaowhaowhaowhaowhao
I'm never gonna lechu go
Whao whaowhaowhaowhaowhao
Still when it feels like I got nothin left
I remind myself that I don't wanna give up on our fate
And I don't wanna think that it's too late
So if somethings broke
Let me go and fix it
And if something is lost
Let me go and get it
Cause I don't wanna stand when all is done
And I'll b next to U cause
Your the one
I said twice
And I'm a say once more
Your the one I want
I'm never gonna lechu go
Whao whaowhao ahh ahh
I'm never gonna lechu go
Whao whaowhaowhao ahh ahh

I love you bunches and bunches and bunches times a googleplex raised to a googleplex to infinity and beyond. *poke, poke*

Remodeling isn't just for homes...

So, I finally got around to changing things up around here. I feel better. It's been a long time since I've felt that I have successfully accomplished something.

*phew* I've been sitting here for hours! I'm not sure if this is what it will stay like but for tonight, it is what it is.

Let them eat fries!

As the hour was quickly approaching for us to leave for the therapist's office, the kids behavior just escalated out of control. Pouting, whining, fighting, just ickiness.

Even *I* had a temper tantrum (that's a whole other post) before we left. There was tension in the room when we got there. Lot's of questioning, sighing and BS.

Bottomline, my kids do not want to be there and it makes me uncomfortable to the point that I actually no longer want to be there. I am trying to be their armour from the therapist because they are too scared to tell her they don't want to go.

They keep saying they want to do other things and the therapist thinks I have put that into their head. I haven't. Believe me...I just see $$$$ when they talk about cheerleading, basketball, soccer and dance. $$$$$$$$$---gas, uniforms, accessories, shoes, etc... OY!

Of course when I say what other things, they have a laundry list. I've asked them but what if you don't get to do any of those things? They don't want to go back.

So this puts me in the position where I am being drilled, interrogated, doubted,and not believed. That equates to waste of time.

I tried to explain to the therapist that when her name was mentioned last Friday, my household, my schedule...it went to hell in a handbasket. The kids reverted back to the way they were and it seemed like they thought "this is what I have to do, this is what I have to be."

The therapist's explanation is that I threatened their happy home and they were putting on appearances to keep it together and they just couldn't keep it up.

I call BS because I think if we didn't have to go back we would still be on a schedule.

The other thing, that I don't know why the kids don't mention, is that they want to be home and they want me to be home with them. They want to bake things, have game night, read stories, play on the Wii. They want a schedule. They want to live.

Today's theme was all about how I wasn't home. One day, 45 minutes at a Starbucks 10 minutes from my house I met with a lady from Girl Scouts to pull things together. You would have thought I was gone for 5 years.

They want me home.

When we left the office, we were still all wound up so I decided to drive the 5 minutes to the nearest McDonald's and let them at the play gym.

We had never done this before because I have heard some horror stories about what goes on in those play areas. Children going potty in them so they don't have to leave them is one that comes to mind right away, lol!

But it was all good. We ended up running into the ex-husband of the previous Girl Scout leader. The kids were up visiting him and my kids got to play with them again. It was really nice. Hubs and I ate (a lousy dinner, haha) in peace while they played. We came home and they showered. Hubs read them a Curious George Book and they are as far as I can hear--sound asleep!

I'll eat cold fries and a soggy cheeseburger anytime if this will be the outcome. We will definitely do that again.

But what it boils down to is this...

1.) My kids want me home. Time goes by fast and there is going to come a time when they won't even be home. If I don't jump on this now, it too will pass me by. They want me.

2.) My kids want to move forward. They have been hurt and they have been traumatized but they don't want to talk about it anymore. They don't want to remember because it scares them. In a way, I feel like therapy is keeping these "ghosts" alive.

3.) If we never are together all at once or even individually for that matter, how are we supposed to bond? In the waiting room 45 minutes a day?

It seems like once the ride takes off, it hits a wall because we are torn apart again.

If you don't have a therapist to help with attachment issues, and you have a therapist that focuses on all the bad in the child's life, how can you bond when the child is living in a constant state of fear and trauma?

My kids are telling me they need this now. I'm not ruling out therapy forever but for here and now... despite how awful the therapist is making us feel. I think this is the right thing to do.

I just realized

After I posted my vacation post about going back to the therapist, I got a huge knot on the back of my neck.

It's been there ever since.

Well, actually, I realized it yesterday when I was happily minding my own business running errands and I noticed I had a voicemail on my cell. I checked it and it was the therapist and I felt sick to my stomach and not so happy anymore.

Should a therapist make you feel like crap and worthless because you're leaving her? My kids don't want to go. They only go for her snacks. What does she want me to do? She's off target and abrasive with them.

How do you deal with your kids therapists? Do you have to ask permission not to be there? Do they make you feel like you are inadequate?

Case in point, I know RAD kids need a lot of love, but do you have to always force your love on them? My kids come to me all the time for hugs and kisses and they have their moments where they don't want me to touch them, like seriously. I can respect that. But the therapist tells me that is when they need it the most. For me, being as detached as they are when it comes to affection type things and being abused, forcing yourself on me (hugs and kisses) is not going to make me feel safer and love you more.

As we were leaving one time, she asked the kids for hugs and they all stared at her awkwardly. They felt compelled to hug the woman because it was so awkward. I've been in situations and I can tell from their expressions. It's not because they are RAD kids, it's because she's weird. As a kid, I never thought to say no to those requests even when I didn't want to. It was like a personal slap in the face when she did that. I feel she keeps pounding into the kids that they aren't getting enough love and attention. There are five and they are at a deficit already, will they ever feel like they have enough? Probably not.

I can at least be proud of the fact that they told her they ARE getting enough attention and they DO feel loved. I just wish she would take their words at face value.

Contemplation

It's 2 am and I'm contemplating another load of laundry and another coat of paint and touch ups.



I'm tired, exhausted really but I can't sleep.



These are the times I wish for a normal simple life. I wish I had a family, friends, and that my husband wasn't disabled. I wish for some help. I wish for a break from the shitty-ness that is my existence.



It's not all bad, but I'm not going to lie. It's too hard, too much, too unbearable. I see life passing me by like a game of jump rope that I can't seem to jump in on. I have millions of questions and no answers, just an echo.



This isn't a pity party, it is what it is. The realization of truth and what is real. With all the chaos and madness in my home, my world is still quiet, empty, and gray. It's not depression. It's just life. No more yellow. I can't seem to get my yellow back. This time it's gone.

The irony is that people think I'm amazing. They tell me that I keep them going and that I give them strength. How sad is that? If only they knew.

I'm hollow, empty, there is nothing left.

Some things that work for me

Two things I thought I might share that have worked for my two kids that are having a hard time giving up control are:

Dreamcatchers- my kids have nightmares. They have dreams that their biological parents or someone else is going to take them away. Some of them have made me into this superheroine that can fight them off by kicking butt and scaring them but some of them still struggle with the dreams. I bought some dreamcatcher kits at the dollar store and it was a project we did (this past week with all our free time. lol). They assembled them and we hung them up over their beds.

The verdict-- Poufy said "She's sleeping IN a log now that the dreamcatcher is there to catch ALL her bad dreams. " lol

The boy- His is broken it doesn't work. After some discussion, we determined he's sleeping backwards on his bed and his feet are under the dreamcatcher therefore making the dreamcatcher an odorcatcher. He was going to sleep with his head under the dreamcatcher and let me know if he still was having bad dreams. He hasn't said anything about bad dreams.

The second thing has to do with time outs. Time outs = tantrums for my kids. At least for Poufy before we started treating her like she was two. The boy started to tantrum when I thought about hockey. I reminded him when we went to see our local team play. I asked him to remember what happened to the players when they got in a fight. He said they went to the penalty box. I emphasized for a time out to cool off. I asked him if when they were in the penalty box did they cry and throw a tantrum. I saw his face light up. He got it. He said no.

So I asked him why does he if he's in time out and his room is like the penalty box for him to cool off and then come back and join the "game".

No tantrums for time outs since then. If I could just think of something else to head off tantrums that I'm not even expecting. Hmmm.... Any suggestions?

Not Sinking In...

The kids have been with us for 2 years and 2 months today, yet it still feels like a baby-sitting job. Their biological mother was supposed to get them back. But the more I think back on it, it's just too easy and too convenient.

Yes, I've adopted them, it's now been 3 months. But it's hard making that transition. The transition from Nieces and Nephews to "Mom" and "daughter" and "son".

The Boy: "Mom...Mom... MOM....Mom.MOM.....MMMOOOOOM"
Me: *thought* what is that noise? *shocked expression* crap that's me! "What SON?!?" The word sticks in my throat. He pauses mid step. I've never called him that before. He looks back and as he passes the doorway to go into his room, he has a huge grin on his face.

I feel that moment was the very first time we connected.

Before they came, I used to look in on the empty rooms, set up and waiting for their arrival. I thought of what would happen if they stayed with us forever. I never thought they would have so many disorders or traumas. But I thought after their mother lost one child, she would learn something and latch on to them and do right by them.

Here we are, I thought wrong.

I also never thought that when they lost their mother, I would be losing mine. But in that sense the kids and I are the same. We never really had a mother or a father. Now they will. If I can just wrap my head around it.

If I can stop catching myself whenever I say I have 5 kids. And stop pausing and thinking "Holy shit! I have FIVE kids! Even as I type this, I'm still incredulous to it all. I mean will I ever adjust? Will I ever wake up? It's all so surreal.

Is this a normal reaction? I know when most people adopt, it's an expectation to be forever and to be parent and child. But what about relative adoption? or fosters with no plans of reunification after failed attempts or termination of parental rights? Is it a shock for everyone?

Ending the "vacation" week...

So, tomorrow is actually my last day before we return to the therapist for another two weeks, I guess.

We spend roughly 12 hours a week in going to the therapist including travel. This splits the family three days out of the week. This week not having therapy felt like I gained, well, a life.

We had 2 tantrums by The Boy: one the day before yesterday and one today. The day before yesterday he seemed to be playing with his food trying to buy time to stay up past bedtime. I told him as soon as the clock hit bedtime he was gone finished or not. He smiled at me and said ok. Then when the clock hit 8, I told him goodbye and he went into a fit. I knew it was because he didn' finish his food but his sisters quickly said it was because he was scared of the hallway and his bedroom and the bathroom. I could see in his eyes he thought it was an opportunity so he ran with it tantruming even harder.

Fine. I had ordered from Netflix some Goosebump movies for the kids. Just in case he really was scared of things, I previewed them and decided that they couldn't watch the first one but could watch the second one about an aunt who gives her nephews prune juice to make them old so she could sell them as grooms to her elderly friends. They find out the antidote to the prune juice is baby food. It will make them young again. Anyhow, not scary at all.

But I wasn't sure if the boy was truly scared and I didn't want to make him have those feelings in anticipation just before bed time. So I went to ask him what was the truth about his other tantrum. I was going to ask him if he wanted to do something like a puzzle or play cars with me instead, when I see him all out crying. Let me take the time to remind you, Hubs and I had talked about whether he should see it or not, we had not talked to any of the kids or the boy about whether he was going to see it or not. He starts screaming at me "I want to watch it."

At first I was confused as to why he was screaming and crying and then I just said "Look if you are throwing a fit then you are not old enough to watch it." I walked him to his room where he continued to jump and scream at me from the top of his lungs. I shut the door and went about my business. When he was done, I went and talked to him.

I told him we were going to be treating him like he acts, 2 years old. We've been doing that with Poufy. I don't know if it's right or not. But she actually seems content. I feed her and give her baby portions to start with, cut up like you would for a two year old. She's not eating as much as she used to. It seems like feeding her is giving her whatever she needed.

If I tell her babies don't do that or 2 year olds can't do that, etc... she doesn't even pout or tantrum about it. It seems like she is taking it in as information. She's enjoying being two. I know it's not the same but if I can give that to her to help make her feel better, than I will do my best. Hopefully it will work with the boy. I've already started thinking up ways of creating activities for the two of them that are around that age level.

Anyway, the difference in this week is that I felt like I could follow through with things. I had time, I could sit in a chair and just talk to my husband or one of the kids without feeling like "I don't have time for this." I baked cookies with CDQ and Hubs made a cake with all the kids. We had two movie nights. We never made it to our picnic because of monsoons, maybe tomorrow. We still need a game night.

Things weren't perfect but they were good and they were managable because I didn't feel rushed, even with all the home improvement, girl scouts, school for the kids, and school registration for myself, it was still better. I even did some gardening and chatted a few times with the new neighbors, oh, and even though I've been staying up until 6 am working on the house...I still got SLEEP.

I think my decision to suspend therapy for now is the right one. I think it's the time we need to unwind after all the foster drama and to finally bond with one another and attach the way we need to.

Very Interesting Indeed...

So, last night I was looking at the little feedjit bar at the side of my lil blog here and I noticed someone surfed in from a website that I wasn't familiar with. I don't normally even look at that bar because I'm usually just making sure my post looks ok. Some things catch my eye, like my hometown for instance (Hi Kandi! *blush*)

However, this time, I was curious. It was a weird name. Turns out I've been linked at said website under "latest news". I'm dumbfounded because nobody asked me. I'm even more dumbfounded because as I was trying to form an opinion about the site it told me that I had exceeded my CPU quota with their site...wtf? I was suspended from seeing a site that was linking to me and inadvertently (at least I hope) copyrighting my material and allowing people to reproduce it for personal non-commercial use. Double WTF!?!

I know the site had to do with RAD and adoption but what exactly, I didn't get a chance to catch. I'm upset. It could be for something good but why couldn't they ask me first?

When I was younger, I was part of a Ballet Folkorico Company dance group that went around Arizona performing at malls, schools and where ever. Fast forward to a school field trip to the library, me-10 years old, waiting for my best friend to check out her books. I was standing by a kiosk and I decided to pick up Arizona magazine, the one with the pretty flowering cactus on the cover.

I'm flipping through and I almost have a heart attack, there blown up almost more than half of a page was a close up of me performing. I was scared.

Maybe that's a weird reaction, but it scared me that people could see me like that without my knowing. I took every one of those magazines I could find and I stopped allowing my picture to be taken.

You might ask, well what about blogging? Until Bela's murder and my family deciding they want to live a "ghetto-fabulous" life, I wasn't worried about it. I was dipping my toes in the water. Trying to move forward, trying to put myself out there. They knew about my blog. My mom would even comment sometimes.

Being with my husband has sort of made me a shut in. Whatever isn't accessible to him has suddenly become inaccessible to me. I think I hurt his feelings sometimes because I don't think he understands how much of my life I've given up. I've never really told him because I don't want it to seem like I am throwing it in his face. But I wish he would understand that all the things that he hasn't had in his life wasn't the case for me. It's hard, especially when I felt my life was really just starting when we got together. So, I tried to reach out through the internet.

This blog is my only really outlet to the world. I don't know anyone out here. I don't mind too much. I think with all the chaos in my life right now I would be a lousy friend. I guess I have to just take my chances.

Let the Painting begin!

So I started painting today.

At first I thought I was using chocolate milk on the walls and then when it dried, hot cocoa maybe?

I wanted a light brown, maybe less pink, but I think I like it.

=================================================================

As an aside and totally home improvement unrelated, I've contemplated whether to do this or not... I'm not trying to call anyone out on the mat or single anyone out but, I know that there is someone from Tucson visiting my blog. If you are no relation to me, than consider this post done. Have a wonderful day!

However, if you are related to me, don't come here. I didn't invite you. You chose to be out of my life. This is part of my life. I prefer to share it with strangers than with you. This is MY life. MY children. MY story that is no longer your problem or business. We don't exist to you. You are dead to us. Get it?

Punk'd

I've rented Punk'd from Netflix, and I gotta tell you...some of that stuff, I can rival. lol

Not as in I could Punk some one better but boy have I lived through some stuff where I've been wondering if I am being Punk'd. Ashton says these people should know, but I'd chalk it up to life if some of that back to back stuff happened to me.

Today was an ok day. It started off with Poufy breaking her glasses, her 8-day old replacement glasses, clean in half. The lense won't even stay in. The insurance isn't going to replace them again, especially 8 days after they just gave them to her and I don't feel I should be obligated to buy her another pair. It's ridiculous. So, I duct taped them. Let her feel it because it's not ok. RAD or not. I told her she needed to practice looking past the duct tape. You know what she did? She happily proclaimed she could see right past it already. I said good because when school starts she needs to be prepared and that's when the light bulb came on and she realized what she had done--to herself.

She also peed herself bright and early. So, we decided since she is acting two and the therapist says that her progression will start from the day we got them (2 years ago) we are treating her like she is 2. I've gotta tell you. Watching her open mouthed gaping at being treated like she is two is entertaining and sad.

Sad because it's all new to her...being two and being treated like it. Entertaining because you know, a two year old can't do nearly as much as a 7 year old. Nope. Bike riding, not really. Eating by oneself, nope. Playing outside with the big kids, uh uh. Or desserts, because in my book, peanut butter chocolate kiss cookies ARE NOT for two year olds, not like say---apple sauce or something.

We might even resort to a crib, we've got a brand new one, ready to build back from our make believe days of planning for OUR own kids. I guess that will never happen now. At least I can't see how. Yet another way, Jo was able to ruin our lives with her loserness.

It's really a double-edged sword, isn't it? I mean they could treat us worse if we were total strangers but they still treat us badly because we are relatives. Plus, we don't get the true luxury of being Mom or Dad. Because, face it, it's strange.

Anywho, just a rant thrown in there because I am dealing with the oldest as I write this and well her straight out bitchiness. Is there a more appropriate word for a tween?

I try to let it roll off my back and not take it personal, but being a punching bag really isn't my thing.

The other thing that is bothering me is that I had this strange dream. In my dream, I found a baby, a newborn preemie looking baby in a trash can in a public restroom stall. There was something wrong with it's leg, it was bruised and hurt.

I took the baby and I made it strong and she looked healthy but I was always afraid someone was going to come take her because she wasn't mine.

That's my life. In a nutshell. I worry, if I don't buy Poufy new glasses will they take her away? My kids wear grubbies in the summer, they are wearing pants with holes in them because they are outside learning how to ride bikes. I take them places like that because well, who wants a stack of laundry? They aren't dirty. But will anyone ask me?

I already felt like that before the therapist pulled all the crap about Poufy's weight. Does anyone else feel like people are watching and waiting for you to make a mistake?

Another Home Improvement Post...

Ok, so I downloaded like a gajillion pictures. That's how I realized I forgot the 4th *sheepish grin*


So here are some more pictures from the Home Improvement front...

This used to be our built in entertainment center area. I pulled that sucker out. It was not conducive to what we wanted or needed. I didn't realize how deep it really was. Although, sadly enough it's still not deep enough for my old school big screen TV.

Here's some after pictures for the flooring portion anyway, I still have to tape and texture it and cover up those junction boxes and paint. Believe it or not, I actually organized this. I remember posting on my old blog about putting in the child safety locks. Well, apparently the child safety locks are really just a different kind of lock as far as the kids are concerned because I can't seem to keep them out of there. Seems they just like things in chaos and jumbled and thrown everywhere. But I finally couldn't take it anymore. I redid the whole thing. Boy was it a mess! My cleaning supplies have tripled since the kids moved in.

I also installed this cute little light fixture over the kitchen sink. I love it! I got it at W@l-M@rt believe it or not! I could've looked for a slightly longer one but you know what? This one is perfect. I only wanted to light the sink and the two adjacent counters and this does an awesome job. I think it might even illuminate the area outside the window!
This is hopefully, the last ceiling fan I will install. This is the gameroom ceiling fan. It is the 7th ceiling fan in my house. Can I just say *sigh*. I am so glad this is done. It's not a hard thing to do it's just a PITA. Especially when you are short.
This is my prize Home Improvement find. LOL! I ran in to grab ONE thing from the store after church while Hubs and the kids were outside waiting and I came across this! We are HUGE Mon Chhi Chi Fans. HUGE! I came running out in my heels holding the rug in front of me. I didn't even wait to get in the van. I saw Hubs jaw drop. He couldn't believe it. lol

Lastly, here is a picture of one of the screens. I built one for our bedroom, one for our closet and 2 for the game room. I still have to build the one for the kitchen and one last one for the living room. I only bought enough to do half because I didn't want to drive myself crazy making them. The four I made yesterday took all day between the kids and cooking meals!
Today's plan is to fix three of the kids bikes. One needs the chain put back on and the other two need those slime tires installed.

I have other things on my list but I'm afraid to list them because I don't want to feel overwhelmed on my week off.

Oops...

I forgot to post 4th of July...

4th of July was one of those rare good days. Only one child was in trouble and even then it wasn't huge trouble. I didn't get any firework or sparkler pictures because this was our first year setting off fireworks of our own and well, it's really just me who can set them off. Which made me really nervous because well...did I ever tell you about the time a firework went off between my thumb and forefinger? Well, let's just say the adults were too busy getting drunk and high so they gave me (then 8) and one of my sister's cousins (10) the fireworks to light for the younger kids. We set off one of those spinning ones that turns really fast. They are just under two inches,anyway nothin' happened so they told me to pick it up and I did and I held it up to Jaime's ear and then it went off. POP! I couldn't feel my thumb or finger until the next day and Jaime couldn't hear either. Good times. NOT!



Anyhow, I was really nervous. Hubs picked out the fireworks because he's familiar with them. They weren't too bad at all. Just small little lights that went out quickly.



During the day, the kids knocked themselves out in the water. Running through this wiggly thing. You can't really see it but it's 15 feet of hose with all these skinny little wiggly things that shoot water in the air in all directions. I didn't get very good pictures of that because when it shot the water out it really shot it far and it was going in through the windows (my new floor!).

While the water was going there were also BUBBLES! Oh, the bubble anticipation! Can't you see it on their faces? While I'm looking at them... Poufy is the one with the blue swimsuit on, next to her is CDQ...does she really look that skinny? If you ask me they both are sticks. But I just don't see what the therapist does. CDQ is a year older so I expect her to be a little bigger but she's not that much bigger.

Can't forget the dessert. Typically I make some kind of cake but this year I decided to mix it up a little. This was so good. It was simply chopped up strawberries mixed in a glaze with blueberries, cool whip and chunks of angel food cake. Literally the bowl looked like this less than 3 minutes from making it. I like to think it was somewhat healthy. lol

Home Improvement post #4556787788

I'm not sure what I have posted or haven't posted so if I posted some of this stuff before...sowwry.

This is some of the concrete work I had to do before the floor installation because I wanted it to be even and smooth. I still have a patch of concrete to do at the end of the hallway and then I am done with concrete until I change out the other floors.

This is the stack of flooring I started with, it's supposed to cover the entire flooring space I have planned. However, now that I am nearing the end of the living room, I am seriously wondering about the hallway and whether I truly have enough.

Here's a before shot of the prepped subfloor. Actually, I think that's before it was prepped with primer for the tiles. I think I was getting ready to prep it. That would have been a good time to paint but we were still sane at that point.

Here's a picture with some of the tiles down.

I tried to get a picture with lighting so that the true color could be seen but that's not it.
It's actually darker, somewhere closer to this but not as dark.
It's hard to get a good accurate picture.

Here's my stack of tiles after half of the living room was complete, as in the corner that I posted pictures of today. I've done the other end and pulled out the built in entertainment center and tiled in there since then. I just have to take the pictures and transfer some of the pictures I have already taken.

I've also built and installed a couple of solar repelling insect screens for the windows. This stuff is cool, it's a little weird at first because they are hard to look out of but once you get used to it, it cuts down on the heat from the sun that comes through still letting the sun in AND it keeps itty bitty bugs out. I love it. To date, I've made 3 I think. This one in my room and two in the kitchen. Today I am going to make the second one for my bedroom, one for my closet, two for the game room and one for my kitchen. The kitchen one is a long rectangular shape but it will complete all the windows in my kitchen.

I'll be back with more updates and pics.

MAY YOUR SKY ALWAYS BE YELLOW

Here's the poem I mentioned in my previous post. I didn't know it had a title. The copy I had was typed on a typewriter and laminated. I know I have it here somewhere. This poem speaks to me because it was me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He always wanted to explain things
But no one cared
So he drew
Sometimes he would draw and it wasn’t anything
He wanted to carve it in stone
Or write it in the sky
He would lie out on the grass
And look up at the sky
And it would be only the sky and him and the things that needed saying
And it was after that
He drew the picture
It was a beautiful picture
He kept it under his pillow
And would let no one see it
And he would look at it every night
And think about it
And when it was dark
And his eyes were closed
He could still see it
And it was all of him
And he loved it
When he started school he brought it with him
Not to show anyone but just to have it with him
Like a friend
It was funny about school
He sat in a square brown desk
Like all the other square brown desks
And he thought it should be red
And his room was a square brown room
Like all the other rooms
And it was tight and close
And stiff
He hated to hold the pencil and chalk
With his arms stiff and his feet flat on the floor
Stiff
With the teacher watching
And watching
The teacher came and smiled at him
She told him to wear a tie
Like all the other boys
He said he didn’t like them
And she said it didn’t matter
After that they drew
And he drew all yellow
And it was the way he felt about morning
And it was beautiful
The teacher came and smiled at him“What’s this?” she said
“Why don’t you draw something like Ken’s drawing?”
“Isn’t that beautiful?”
After that his mother bought him a tie
And he always drew airplanes and rocket ships
Like everyone else
And he threw the old picture away
And when he lay out alone and looked out at the sky
It was big and blue and all of everything
But he wasn’t anymore
He was square inside and brown
And his hands were stiff
And he was like everyone else
And the things inside him that needed saying
Didn’t need it anymore
It had stopped pushing
It was crushed
Stiff
Like everything else.
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The boy handed this poem to his English teacher in Saskatchewan, Canada. Two weeks later he took his own life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't think my kids feel this way. I don't think they've ever felt "yellow" or even know what that's like. I try to encourage them to, but I think we have a lot more work ahead of us before we get there.

Putting it in black and white

I've updated my profile to reflect the changes in our life. Not much different but still different. I decided to really put it out there.

My kids, all five of them have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) , Borderline Personality Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

That's all they've told us for right now. Honestly, we were lucky enough that through this blog a post was left about RAD and I took information in hand to the therapist and they were diagnosed from there. Before that there was truly complete chaos. Not to say that there still isn't.

Many of the symptoms overlap. But I couldn't say that I thought any of these were a wrong diagnosis. They have different levels of each. I've tried everything I can think of but it seems everything conflicts and some things make it worse.

Other times, it works and people, adults, therapists, teachers, those people who have no clue... they frown down on me. They look at me closely and they criticize and judge. They question "How did you come out relatively normal from your own childhood situation?" ," How did you rise above all of that?" Like they think I have some contribution to the children's traumas because after all if my life was crap I've got to pass it on to future generations, right?

I don't tell them what they want to hear. The truth is, I haven't risen above. I deal with it everyday. I think I am an adult with RAD. I can understand their feelings to an extent when they let me in to see it. But still I don't let them in. It's too much. I don't let myself in. I've "risen above" by living in denial and pushing forward and pressing on. I don't deal with my own abuse. I can't deal. I've got Hubs abuse and all five of the kids abuses that I deal with. There's no room for me or mine and I don't want to deal with them anyway. It's the past. I can't change it. I'm still me and I'm still ok and I will be ok.

Most of my stuff is locked tight in a place I can't find, nor do I look for. Sometimes, the kids remind me and I flashback but it's ok. I didn't fail. I'm still a good person. I didn't let those things become a crutch for me. God makes things happen for a reason. I can see the reason is because I needed to be in touch as much as I could with the kids. I needed to be able to share my knowledge to help end the cycle. I can deal with that.

I'm human and I'm a new mom despite how old the children are and I'm going to make mistakes. Tons of them. But they will still never compare to the mistakes my half sister made with these children. I am not her and I refuse to pay for her. We don't even speak. She's everything I am not. My whole family is everything I am not. How?

I've lived alone and raised myself. I did what I thought was right for me and I lived with a mask for all people. There was this poem that described me so perfectly, I loved it and it was the answer. I knew when I was 18 I could be me and until then I crept quietly and led a nonexistence. I made sure no one would notice me so they couldn't get rid of me. I never asked for anything. Never rocked the boat. I had my dreams and my knowledge that I could do whatever I set my mind to. That's all I needed. Just me.

That's the answer. That's all there is to it. I wish people would stop looking for something more, stop questioning my kids and just stop completely.

There are five of them. Not by my choosing. Remember I did not do this. I took this on to keep my family together. These kids are the only family I have. I'm trying my best. I can't be with each of them every second of the day. I don't know why they steal toilet paper or why they lie about whether they blinked their eyes or not. I don't know why they do the things they do. I can't tell you what they are going to do either.

What I can tell you is that I am doing the best I can.

Yesterday I cried...

Well, actually last night when I finally got a chance to check my e-mail.

A person named Christine posted on my blog. A person who is learning and dealing with RAD just as we are.

I visited her blog to find another blog which had links and links of blogs. Reading some of Christine's posts (especially the one with the picture of her living room and description of her kitchen) and reading some of the posts from the Living With RAD blog helped me see I am not alone. The latter blog was like reading someone's notes about our house and the kids. Seeing that the things I've stumbled upon for solutions aren't all foreign and don't make me an ogre, a pig or the worse mother ever.

I've googled RAD, I've searched Blogs for adoption but it never occurred to me to search blogs for RAD. I don't know why.

I've been reading book after book about kids who don't fit ours and how to deal with them. I'm tired.

Thanks Christine for chiming in. You don't know how much it means to me to have this new world opened up.

Yesterday was a good day. I think it was a good day because I spent the whole day at home with my family. They worked in their workbooks and I was there to keep them on task. I made them lunch and I made them dinner. I monitored them the way they needed to be monitored. Plus, we had trouble from the start of the day and I was able to nip that in the bud.

CDQ woke up in a mood. I could tell she didn't get much sleep and everyone else was going to pay for it so I sent her to "rest" some. Well, their equivalent of rest was sleep. So Poufy told CDQ that she needed to scratch up her face and it would look like she slept.

Well what happened was she really did scratch up her face. When I asked her about it she said she was itchy. Her eyes were droopy (because she was pretending to have slept) and I thought she was having an allergic reaction. I busted out with the Benadryl and told her to get some sleep.

Fact is, she ended up with a fever after I gave her the medicine and she was whiny I thought she was getting sick. I told her she needed rest. No outside, nothin'. She kept trying to tell me she was fine. She was sooo whiny until she finally told me the truth before lunch. Good times.

I will never know what is going through their heads.

I'm hoping to post pics of all that I have been working on. It's been a lot. I've kinda been set back because Hubs woke up at 2 am throwing up. EW! I hate that so much. I have to hold the bucket and clean it up. He's ok now but it went on all night up until about noon. I will have to get him up out of bed soon.

I'm tired. How about you? What did you do this weekend? Humor me.