Triggers...I haz them...

Lately I've been trying to be more in tune with myself.  Ok, since last week when I found out I needed glasses and lost 10 more decibel levels of hearing... I've just been thinking and listening and paying more attention to myself then I ever have in my life this past year.

A few weeks ago I had finally voiced that I was sick of everything being about me, was I stiff?...Do I have pain? Can I do this? I'm the last person I think about typically and I'm really good at pushing pain away and not thinking about things...

But as I went through my weekly tasks...I realized I am living in a world of triggers.  For example, the school I attend. I pass by CDQ's treatment center- she's not there anymore but when she was boy did I tense up worse than I do now...so with that in mind...the actual building where I go to school, it's in the same area as CDQ's last "attachment therapist" in fact parking is right behind that building and I realize that I am praying I don't run into either one of them when I am hiking across it. When I am sitting in class I get to stare at the window of the therapist's office for three hours if I so choose...Not just CDQ's therapist but my own which was right next to her therapist's office on the second floor. This is weekly and it will be for the next three years.

Once a month, I pray that I don't run into the evil therapist they had before the last. The one who threatened me with BS. Because I have so much left unsaid to her and I'm still undecided about whether it's best left unsaid or if it would be a nice release for me. lol! Hubbin's current primary doctor works out of the same building a couple of doors down from her.  I have to pick up his prescriptions from that office at least once a month and it's amazing how fast that month seems to go when I am heading that way yet again.

So let's get into other triggers, like the fact I pass the hospital Hubbin's almost died in anytime I go anywhere practically. On my way to school, if I want to go grocery shopping at anywhere besides the big superstore... I realized that those memories come back a lot if I'm sitting at the red light or parking at the grocery store across the street or going to the Subway.

I hadn't noticed these things and I'm sure there are many more, but they take a toll on me.

Lastly, this here blog. This blog has it all...from the url down to every thing I post.

This blog makes me feel bad. It reminds me of a person who is so far lost. It reminds me of a person (myself) and other people who died. It reminds me of my failures. It reminds me of all the bad.  I know there's good stuff and I know I could write about the good stuff but it seems so wrong to carry on here. I don't know how to explain it.

I am so sick of RAD and mental illness.

I want to move on. I want to share the good things about my children,  photos of my children, etc...but in order to do that I am going to have to create a total lie. I'm going to have to make sure I am totally anonymous and I'm going to have to change the facts some.  I'm not a good liar but that is how Life will truly be able to Go On... I know my anonymity had been compromised and I didn't mind, but I want to share in the good things of my children in a way that their bios won't be able to track it. I really want to document the traditions and the memories and all those things that I can't say to them in a new place that isn't tarnished by the past. It's not erasing the past, it's just making a fresh start.

That was their request from the start. They loved being on the internet but were scared or angry that their bio parents or the people who hurt them could find them.

Years ago we tried to instill a sense of movement in the kids. We planted three of the same kind of trees several feet from each other.  We thought that they could represent time and we had no idea just how much they would represent reality.

We named them: Past, Present and Future.

"Past" was pulled out of the ground and killed by some jackasses from down the street. I tried to revive the tree because it was also planted in memory of their baby sister who was murdered and all children who were abused. We had tied a blue ribbon in memory. But it died. It never really rooted.

"Present" is a stick in the ground. Although it rooted and is alive, it never produces leaves.  I feed it.    But it seems to have something, a bug or something that is keeping the leaves from growing.

"Future" has become a tree I marvel over. Future was a stick in the ground as well.  But sometime around March future split out and grew a separate branch and this branch flourished into this luscious leaf filled bush... I say bush instead of tree because it sprung from the original trunk but at the base of it. It took over and grew to about 3 feet tall and spread at least two feet wide and it had the shiniest green mid sized leaves. I wish I would have taken a picture.  But most times I just sat there staring at it in awe. I say sat because the other curious thing is Present can be seen from my bedroom window and it is the perfect height, so even if I'm stuck in bed I can see it from here.

Hubbins said I have to cut the dead part of the main branch off if I want the new one to overtake it's place and grow tall. Everything I researched says the same thing. But I'm so scared to kill it and I know I did this to my rose bushes a couple of years ago and it worked then. My roses are now almost 6 feet tall! But it's just so hard to take that leap. When I see the beauty of the new branch and wonder if severing the very thing that caused it will kill it.

But I see I have to take that leap, not just with the tree but in life.  So... here I am, saying good bye to this chapter and severing this main branch.

I thank you for taking the time to read and comment and I wish you all the best but my days here at Monkey Trouble are over.  Maybe I will sprout anew somewhere out here in the internets and we will run into each other again.

Family- What it's not...

(FYI-I say bad words in this one...)

The topic of family is a definite trigger for me. Uncontrollable tears, tightness in my chest, burning in my cheeks.  Those are some of the physical manifestations. Inside I have to work on identifying what it all means because I feel like my mind is blowing things way out of proportion...maybe...

I really don't have family. In name sure, but true blue family...no. I glean most of what I know about families in the blogs I read.  I'm trying to make a family for my children. The oldest and I have several interesting conversations and epiphanies about family.

I've found myself saying more and more "maybe that's what families do" and then we both sit in contemplative silence.

This is my experience with family. Currently, my mother is mooching off of me. She is living it up and even though I have told her to leave, she won't.  Lovely, eh?  I made a huge mistake and I know if she were to read this she would be hurt and angry but, frankly, I am tired of protecting HER feelings.  I am tired of being the parent.

My grandmother, probably the closest thing to true family I have. She has dementia...she has good days far and in-between. Her children are assholes.  I'm thinking of getting a lawyer involved. My grandmother was in an abusive relationship for over 50 years. She found her way to me and made me her power of attorney for everything before she went downhill (and let me add, she is not totally mentally gone). Her husband robbed her accounts blind to support his gambling addiction. Her children called adult protective services (APS) and accused my mother of kidnapping my grandmother and of stealing her money. APS came and investigated and found a victim of domestic violence and wrote my grandmother a letter asking her to take out a restraining order against her husband and her eldest son. Her medical doctor told her to get a divorce. I didn't  move on it because they seemed to be leaving her alone and the stress exacerbates my grandmother's dementia. She starts to feel unsafe and says she sees men in my windows or at my doors.  I don't want her to be scared.

One of her daughters is being an asswipe. Her father keeps calling her and telling her he needs money. She wants my grandmother to go back home and give her father her money so he will leave her alone. That's all I can get from it. She doesn't want to reach into her pocket and give him money. She has called and threatened the youngest child, a boy who is 45 and has lived in my grandparents home caring for my grandmother for all his life. He is finally living and just married and has a family and this daughter, his sister is giving him guilt trips.

She's overlooking all the abuse and urging my grandmother to go back. My grandmother has flat out said no, but she doesn't stop. My mom asked her three times to stop because my grandmother has had nightmares and episodes. At first we didn't know what it was but my grandmother checks out when she speaks to this daughter or she immediately starts seeing strange men. I get the feeling she thinks my grandfather is going to show up. The other thing that happens is she'll start imagining a man who treats her right and loves her and takes her dancing, etc... all the things she didn't have.

Anyhow, there are three children who are fine and speak to my grandmother and are cautious about her condition and truly want the best for HER. Then there are three children who quiet frankly are abusive: one has already stolen money from her, the other only cares truly about himself as does the last one.

In my own life those three have mentally abused me as a child as well. They are really good at it.

I don't want to keep them away from their mother. But SHE is more important to me then they are and SHE chose ME, she came to ME. They don't know this.  They keep trying to get my mom in trouble thinking that is going to make a difference. I'm sick of the damn hinting around that her money is being used inappropriately. It's like that is all their mother is to them, a fucking bank account.

I'm thinking I need a lawyer or doctor or both involved who sets the boundaries of what they can talk about.  It's so ridiculous that they can't see beyond themselves and see what they are doing to their mother.

I always thought I would marry into family. You know, once I got married, I would finally have a family. I thought that was going to be good.  My husband's family seemed like a tight knit family and did lots of things together. It just turned out to be at my husband's expense.

But somewhere along the line, I got blamed for my husband's emancipation. Being totally disabled, he couldn't rock the boat because he had no where else to go. When I came along, I saw that he never stood up for himself. I encouraged it in him. Even against me.  He wasn't strong enough and I allowed him to use my strength in the beginning to stand up for himself. By this, I mean, his sister's confronted him and even though I thought I had no business being there, he asked me to stay for support and I did. So now I am everything that is evil. I took their brother from them. I control him and don't let them see or speak to him, etc...

I'm proud of my husband. He did some hard work and he let go of toxic people. He does it easier then I do. Where I waver, he is stronger and makes up his mind. He let go of friends that weren't really friends. People who had used him. One of those people contacted him last week. When I opened the letter for my husband there was handwriting on the opposite of a typed note. I saw my name.  The handwritten note was meant for me and it pissed me off.

The writer is not what pissed me off but the implications. He had spoken to the family and I guess they had shit to say. Primarily...I turned my husband....are you ready for this.... CATHOLIC. Holy hell, huh?  Forget drugs, forget brainwashing....really....Catholic, huh?

Those who have followed my blog for some time....are you chuckling? Because I have never pushed my religion on anyone and I have had so many run ins with the catholic church and God only knows how often I question everything and I have lost my faith these last couple of years. I have been the one to waver, while my husband,who had already been raised Catholic, made that decision totally on his own. My struggles with religion are all over this blog. But I guess they wouldn't know that since it's better to have someone to point the finger to.

I never did anything to these people. I saw an e-mail from his sister before imploring me to read something to him...what he can't read? Or starting an e-mail that says, we don't even know if you are still alive...the fuck? Really?

My husband is 45. He has full access to a phone and e-mail. Truth be told. I was the one asking if he had heard from his family, or if he had called his father.  I just recently, like last week when that letter came, decided that my husband is a big boy and I am going to stop trying to make things better between them. He obviously knows them better than I do and I should trust his judgement.

But really... I am the cause and the end all? W.T.F?

I sit and I think if I were just me all this bullshit aside, what problems do I have? Health? This life exacerbates it....but what about this life? I don't have any shit. Truly.   Hubbin's family...so not my problem, my grandmother's children...not my problem... My mother's bs...not my problem.  I'm good to go if all these people take their fucking drama and shove it?

I have been holding on to this anger and this bullshit for so long. That's part of why I am sick. These things can take a good day and bring me to my knees in seconds.

This is not family. Which brings me back to my original point. I keep telling my kids, this is not family. But I lack the skills to show them more. What true families are. So I tell them about the families I read about and I tell them to learn that this is not the way. I tell them to want something more.  I don't know if it will work. I've always wanted something more...

Sometimes I worry that showing them what other families do or how they are that they will feel helpless and cheated and might just give up. I feel like that when I am around my so called family.  I can't explain to them how they are already better. Yes, they have RAD and that makes the whole family thing really hard at times because of the vulnerability required but I try to emphasize the safety and the lack of judgement. This whole thing with CDQ has made it really hard to forge forward.

I thought the kids were worried about being removed from my home, but the oldest told me that it wasn't home they were worried about it was about being separated from me.  Wow.

She couldn't look at me when she said it and I had to look away.  This has been the longest they have ever been in one place. This is home.  That is incredible. When I think about it, no matter what all those other people project, us 6,  as broken as we all are we are family...the right kind of family.

Thank you for reading my vent. I really need to get all that crap out and that's only the half of it. Maybe I should do this more often. lol!

Bottom line, My husband and I and our children...we are the best family we know how to be. We might not get to those levels that other families are at but I'm hoping the things we have tried to instill in our children will stick and get the ball rolling in the right direction for future generations.

Sexuality

My kids are getting older and puberty has definitely set up shop in my home.

One of my kids is on the fence.

The fence, you say?

One of my kids is incredibly confused because that child likes girls and boys. Is that a surprise to me...no. I have an idea about a couple of my kids but do I know for sure what that outcome will be...no.

Apparently, that led a couple of the siblings to fight dirty using sexuality to bully and belittle said child.

All my children already suffer from self esteem and self image issues.

*sigh*

This was tough.  We addressed the bullying.  We also addressed the sexuality issue. I will not stand for any bashing or any discrimination of any kind. I don't understand what there is to "tolerate".  We are all God's children and he made us in His image. We are to celebrate our differences and as long as we aren't hurting others we are good to go. The. End.

I know that is not how "others" think. I know that some people are confused and think they are God and they sit in judgement and think THEY can offer salvation...really...

The hard part was putting my finger on what exactly was going on.  I didn't want to come out and say if so and so likes the same sex then that's all right.

Why I didn't want to do that? If it wasn't true I didn't want to box said child in, especially if the child is confused or being told those things to try and humiliate said child.

At a loss, I sort of put the child on the spot. I asked if the child thought physical things about the same sex (attraction)  or maybe if they just thought the other person looked nice or liked something about that person that maybe they wanted to emulate.

I also explained to the child that I wasn't intending to put anyone on the spot and I explained how I just needed to know a little more information before I said what I had to say because I didn't want to be a jackass and go off on an assumption and be totally off the mark.

Said child told me there is an attraction to both sexes. I said that was fine and then I went on to say what I had to say.  We talked about why people feel the way they do about certain topics and if they thought it was ok to treat people badly because of their own insecurities (because God KNOWS we get that here in RADville).  We had a long discussion about fear and hate.  I think we left the table with a better understanding of others and I don't think we will have to revisit the topic. I also sense there was a release for said child because there was a change in the face and the child's hunched posture. I do believe this child and myself have many conversations in store for us in the future. But I will have to be patient and let the child go through whatever it is that is happening while still keeping a close eye.

I just worry I'll mess it up. I've heard so many horror stories of gay children who have come out and who have been beaten and disowned.  Others have run away rather than come out and ended up in situations none of us want our children in.  My children have nothing to fear but I don't know how to make sure they know that without a shadow of a doubt. I am their biggest supporter. Since things were so hidden and secretive I worry this child will hold it inside for fear of being rejected. It's par for the course in RAD children.

If any of my children are gay, I have no problem with that. It makes no difference to me. I just want them to be in healthy, loving relationships; Not the "relationship" they witnessed in their parents. I won't say that I'm not worried. I know how cruel the world is and I can only begin to imagine the hatred and the fear my child/ren is/are going to encounter.  I also know who I am and how sorry whoever F$%^# with my kids will be. RA or not...

Yep, I'm THAT mom and I'm equal opportunity. LOL

If only we could keep them in our own little worlds, right?

Tears of a Clown

Monday was the second team meeting for CDQ's treatment plan.

Here I was getting excited. Not because anything big had happened but that damn thing called HOPE had come back into the picture.

These people are set-UP! They got it together, they have support systems, they have the therapist, they have it all... I felt like we were all on the same page.

Where the hell were they 5 years ago? :-(

I had a voice today and oddly enough, even though I fell apart...no flare (yet? maybe) It was starting to feel good. CDQ was running through her typical motions but I felt even though these people had to go through it all too, it was going to be a good thing. We agree on treatment centers being less than helpful as far as structure and appropriateness. We agree on dress code.

They are doing all the things I already tried. They are experiencing the things that we have already....it's like deja vu, but it's happening to them instead of us. I'm not worried because they have a support system, EVERYONE is behind them.

Jealous... yeah, a little.

There is extreme concern at this time about her disassociating. The concern is that she will split personalities. She hasn't done that yet. But the frequency and ease of her checking out is startling to her therapist, more so then her antisocial diagnosis (well not a diagnosis because that can't be done officially until the age of 15 at the earliest) so I guess symptoms? Tendencies?

But the bomb dropped at the end of the session, by the way this is all via phone,  the foster father wanted me to know that CDQ already was set in her mind that she was never coming home.  Never.  The foster mother confirmed it. The case worker said that CDQ had been surprised to see my signature on the forms and to know that I was still involved. The foster father felt it was important I know this because he said they cared about me and they could hear things in my voice.   The foster parents, the case worker and the therapist all agreed, there was something I needed to do and that revealing this would be what I needed.

They told me I had to do the work first, I don't understand and I was crying and couldn't speak to ask what the work was but the idea is that I need to get help so I can help my family during and after the dissolution.

Dissolution.

I've said it, I've written about it but I've never truly been committed to it.

Three weeks ago, the case worker said she didn't think we were there yet. She thought there might be something they could do. That's when hope snuck in.

I hear what's being said. My family and I need help, we need counseling. CDQ is an abuser. In the eyes of my other children she is just like their parents and the others who have hurt them.  They are living in fear that CDQ will tell lies and they will be taken from us. They are still living in fear even though she is gone.

It has to end because if it doesn't they will never feel safe.

They (her treatment team) agree CDQ is never coming home.

All those people, I couldn't deny it.

We said our goodbyes and about 15 minutes later I lost it. I told Hubbins it felt like she has died.  She's not the same child I remember. Yes, she had problems but she had happy times. She wasn't so lost. I can still see her smile, I can see her in her little t-ball uniform. I can see her singing in her school assembly.  I have moments I've committed to memory of all my children.  A lot of firsts, a lot of actual family moments.  I remember even if she doesn't.

It's mourning in such a twisted way.  But when I think of what I am doing to my family by continuing to live in denial I can't decide which is more twisted.  

Always Missed

Every year I write this post in memory of my friend Karlton Taylor. He died on this day in 1999 in a car crash. I'm not sure anyone understands why I do this. I don't know that I understand it completely. I promised I would tell the world that he was a man of integrity and a man who kept his word.  But it's more than that.

I learned so many things about myself through Karlton's persistence.  I'm the person I am today because of him.  I don't know where I would be if I had never met him. Still behind a wall of my own making. I fight with myself over that wall.

Every now and then I start to rebuild the wall.  I start to push people away because it's too much to bear. Sometimes I remember it's because of Karlton's help with knocking that wall down that I was able to know him and to know my Hubbins and let him in.  I don't think people can handle my life and I can't be phony about it either.

My life sucks. I'm floating and carrying it all and trying to live the whole "fake it until I make it". I know things are better now, I know they can be worse. But I am so tired and people expect sooo much from me. They think I am invincible. They tell me I'm awesome and I'm a survivor and they think I am Superwoman. But I'm not, I'm falling apart inside and the little I do let pass my lips seems to fall on deaf ears. Even though I am doing much better, I. AM. STILL. SICK.  I always will be. It is what it is.  I know I shouldn't be pushing myself, I know that all my problems, health wise, are of my own making...I'm too proud to say that it's too much right now. Maybe it's the fear that this healing will reverse itself and I feel I need to push myself now before it's too late.  I don't know.

I need my friend.

I need my friend who heard me, truly heard me and let me be myself. Who didn't let my troubles make him feel uncomfortable around me. Who understood it was a process and no words were truly needed.

There are so many things I want to ask him. I can only imagine how his family feels having lost him, his children...do they feel the same way I do? Do they wonder what their father would say or do or think?

Some people might think I've transformed him into this perfect person. Believe me, I haven't.

He was a genuinely honest and trustworthy person who truly cared about others. He was a family man who was totally devoted to his wife and children. He was also devoted to God and always strived to do the right thing.  He spent his time building others up and helping others in any way he could. He always wanted the best for everyone whether he knew them or not.  He was a happy person who loved to serve God.

I know he's in Heaven. I know he deserves to be there.  He met his obligations, I just wish he hadn't been in such a hurry to do it.  I hope his family is well and that they've never needed for anything. I pray for this day to be a day of remembrance for them and not a day of pain. I want the happiness for them that Karlton wanted for them.  I hope they know how important their Dad was that God needed his help earlier than most and I hope they are able to cope with it better than I have. I hope their lives are filled with people like their father who are guiding them and supporting them and loving them as much as their father did.

RIP- Karlton you will always be missed...

Life as I know it...

has been rough.  If I'm brutally honest...beyond rough.

I'm pretty sure I had a breakdown today on the way home from my midterm. I know something is wrong. People keep telling me to let things go, to not worry about things I can't change.  I understand that and I also understand I have PTSD which renders me pretty much useless and powerless.

I got lost on the way home. The magnitude of this is that there  are only three streets involved on my way home from school. One the road the school is on, two the long stretch of road that leads to three the road my house is off of.  I. GOT. LOST.  and I was too proud and too busy losing it to call home and ask, that and I didn't know where the hell I was to even ask.

I got home and I didn't say a word to anyone at first, but then I heard my Mom telling my grandmother I had a hard day at school, except it wasn't a hard day at school. It was a hard day at life.  School is a lot but it's not hard.  Truly, it's not. My other degree was much harder. But I'm still messing up. Why?

I'll tell you, but first you must know this is not an excuse.

Stuff has been going on with CDQs placement.  Insurance has decided she's ready to be moved, the center does not believe she should come home, ever.  I've resolved myself to the latter. To quote her therapist, "CDQ is CDQ and she will be that way forever." I called him Friday and I got the sense that he has moved on and didn't want to even spend the time to talk to me.  In my selfish modes, I mourn the loss of a very hurt and disturbed child. She doesn't know what she's doing etc...In my reality modes,  my kids don't feel safe and don't want her back.  Life would be unbearable  and unsafe for them if she comes back. I understand it, but I don't know how it's so easy for them to let go. I talk so much crap to myself about CDQ to try to make myself mad enough about all this to separate, but it doesn't work.  I've failed her. In my fantasy mode, CDQ gets what she wants from another family, life with us was too unbearable for her, too many reminders of the past and through strangers she is ready to move on.  She succeeds, she makes it out.

PTSD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Fibromyalgia are a bunch of bitches and they are out to get me.

School is not going well because every time I get back on my feet and I convince myself everything is going to be ok. I get a call and a call leads to a flare and a flare leads to more aggressive acupuncture treatments, which start me on a PTSD episode of remembering my traumas that led me to all this and the worst of my flares. I'm to the point that as soon as I hear there was a call, my stomach drops and my mind goes blank and I can't keep a thought in my head. I can't form a sentence. I can't remember what someone said to me or if I am about to answer them- what I was going to say. I can't think. It's like I've checked out and have become catatonic. It takes weeks for me to recover. My Doctor says I am doing better because I am bouncing back quicker but I can't take the ups and downs. It's a total mind$%^&.  It truly is.

In terms of school, here I am in what may be the easiest classes since Music Appreciation.  Classes that rely on memorization. No math, no true independent thought needed, just regurgitation and I can't remember my name. It's not test anxiety, I'm not stressed because of school. I actually do know my stuff, I just can't pull it out when I'm in this state.

It's not just school, it's life. I can't remember chunks of time and I'm flashing back to 10-13 years ago when I realized my own abuses and I'm thinking I had these moments where I left myself. I'm thinking that day in the doctor's office when I read that pamphlet on sexual abuse and realized I was a victim, that day I went numb and the Doctor made up stuff to have me sent to ER by ambulance...I'm thinking that is what this is.

I'm thinking all those years in my childhood I can't account for, what's happening now...it's how I coped then. The only difference is both those times I had no one.  This time I have a concerned Husband, Doctor and children who are reminding and bringing to my attention that I am missing chunks and that I can't communicate. Before, as a child, I was called shy. As a young woman, I was called stuck up because I didn't have words.

I lose my words.

Yesterday I found out that CDQ is going to be moved into treatment foster care.  We may be charged with a felony- child abandonment. This stresses me out. I have never been in trouble before for anything. We will be starting the dissolution process. It sounds like we will be investigated. I'm trying to hand it to God but my mind won't let me.

More importantly, CDQ has started to show her true colors at the treatment center she is in now.  The woman I talked ( possibly CDQ's last ally) to can't believe the behaviors she's seeing now and said she has no idea where CDQ gets her stamina from.  CDQ is screaming at them that she did this to me and she's going to do it there too.  It seems they are finally getting somewhere and the insurance is going to ruin that.

Ok, I'm sure things are hard to understand here. I've been trying really hard to be clear but....well it is what it is. This is the reality.

 

Sweet Relief

As I sat there with needles in me and my pain subsided...all I could think is: "This feels like quiet".  Everything that was raging in me was calm.

I knew before he came back things were bad. I knew something had switched in me. New symptoms.  I wasn't surprised when I got a new herb formula.  Which made my thoughts about having shared the name of my current herb formula on here worthless.

The reason why some herbs work for some and others don't is because of our body constitution. Although we may have the same manifestation of symptoms, there are different causes for them and those are what need to be treated.

Today I start a different herb. I also thought the last herb was working so well and I started to feel if I just had the herb I could get by. But I now know it's not true. The unity of herbs and acupuncture is definitely a necessity. You can't have one without the other and believe it will still work. It won't. I found out the painful way.

What I'm currently working on?

Putting me first.

If last week wasn't a huge glaring example of how important it is or what value I need to place on myself...then I don't know what I'm going to need to make me realize that putting myself first isn't a want but a need.

RA Reality

I'm watching the hot air balloons from my bed.  It's Balloon Fiesta time.  I'm flaring. I've been flaring since thursday night.  Fingers, wrists, arms, and my left knee. I woke up friday at about 1:30 am and I immediately wanted to die.  I laid still for four hours in agony before I had the courage to move a muscle.

I had a dream last night. Someone asked me what was on my knee. I looked and said what do you mean? Because it was just my knee.."right there"...the person said.  I looked again puzzled until the person reached over and touched my knee. Um, THAT IS my knee.  Then I woke up.  Not a big deal to others but to me... I looked down and saw my knee for the first time the way other people might see my knee. If they were to see it because honestly, this summer has been all about the layers for me. My thermals never even got put away this year, neither did my sweats.

I don't need to question why this happened. It's been coming on. I just didn't take care of myself. I didn't make myself a priority. I ran from appointment to appointment for other people. I let the news of CDQ bring me to the ground, I lied to myself about the little signs my body was giving me that I was backpedaling and I held it all inside.  I took a day off from school telling everyone I just needed the time to study but the truth was my body couldn't do it. My mind couldn't hold anything.

I took two 800mg ibuprofen and I dragged myself to school yesterday.  8 am- 6:30 pm. Usually, the ibuprofen takes care of my RA pain but I could still feel my wrists and knee. My fibro pain is always there when I'm like this. I sat through 3 tests with fibro fog and I did two labs with arms that shook and stiff fingers. I forced myself to prepare slides and to pinch droppers and gently lay coverslips. I turned small microscope knobs that required more precise hands then my own. I laid out bones that kept falling from my hands. I fought the fatigue I was already feeling before I even took the ibuprofen (which just compounded my need for rest).

At first, I couldn't get a grip (both literally and figuratively). I have Anatomy lab first thing in the morning.  That's where I was laying out the bones. I did the spinal column while my group gossiped about fake nails and I was working the ribs when they stopped and stared at me. I wasn't talking. I had divided up all the ribs and was getting ready to put it together. I don't know if they had said something to me or what happened. I looked at them and I told them I was sick.  There was mention of contagion and I told them I had RA. They still kept going on and on, so I clarified, Rheumatoid Arthritis is NOT contagious but they gathered up all my separated bones. I say my bones because they hadn't touched them to take them out, sort them or do anything... They packed them up and they packed their stuff and they left. Faster then I could turn the page in my book.   I didn't much feel like lifting the totes and taking it all out again, so I packed up my stuff and left too. I held back the tears as I got on the fucking elevator because I can't take the two flights of stairs. Really, in the big scheme of things...this is nothing...it's nothing....but it still hurts. I know even in my drugged up fibro fog state I still had more brain cells working then all three of those girls put together but still... I moved on to the next campus, next class... thinking about the state of things and just how fucked we all are if these are our "nurses of tomorrow"...

Needless to say I didn't do very well on any of my tests yesterday. One was a make up test from the previously missed class. It was me and another girl taking the test. The teacher offered to grade our scantrons on the spot. We were both apprehensive when he ran them through...lots of noise isn't good. lol

We got them back and they were all marked up. The girl asked if we needed to give them back so he could record the score but he said we both got the same score so it didn't matter. I have no idea why but I was so happy I had got any right and that we got the SAME score (how stupid could I be then???). I lifted my claw hand and said "HEY! High five!" and the girl did, gently!!! LOL!  I don't think our teacher was amused. LOL!

Ah, wrote all that this morning, probably had more to say but my hands are worse now. So glad I have an 8 am acupuncture appointment tomorrow. Sweet immediate relief. I know as soon as those needles go in it will be all good.

I'm also going to get over myself. I am going to take up my acupuncturist's offer of coming in and getting needles and basically taking them with me.  I was worried about attention from having needles in me as I went through part of my day but at this moment, in this flare, I couldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks.

Tomorrow will be better. I just know.

Staring at a clean slate...

These last two weeks have been... hard.

I've laughed, I've cried, I've flared, I've avoided a cold...

hard.

CDQ was supposed to be placed in a treatment foster home yesterday but the foster mother met her and decided to not even take her for a four hour pass. Smart woman. I had some concerns anyway. But now it looks like no one (meaning agency) has a placement for her. I don't know what that means since the insurance has determined as long as she doesn't want to kill herself or others she is good to go home and the TFC is supposed to be the transition that builds the gap and prepares her to return home. Except the center doesn't want her to come home. She hasn't changed an iota.  They are starting to see some new behaviors, which ones, I don't know.

Imagine this fun convo...

Agency man: So can you tell me a little about how CDQ divided the staff at treatment center?
Me: wide eyed silence...stuttering...um.... I'm ....not, sure...do you mean...x, y , or z?
Agency man: the Director at treatment center told me CDQ divided her staff.
Me: Well... they didn't tell me that...

I talked to the director and CDQ had half the staff feeling sorry for her and the other staff knowing better. The one's feeling sorry for her were yelling at the others to stop "picking" on her.  Triangulation 101 people...hello! Seems she turned on the staff that was supporting her and now they got a lesson from the school of hard knocks. Seems they are "understanding the family's position better."

*sigh*

I flared because of all this and because I wasn't going to acupuncture like I should have been. My PTSD reared it's ugly head and I almost made a scene in Anatomy class which I wouldn't even be able to explain other than sheer paranoia.

My other kids have had some bumps but are kicking homeschool @$$. Please don't think I haven't whined and yelled about this though. The same with cleaning their rooms so I can take pictures for the internetz and show them what good work they do. Believe me when I say this is not complaining... C'mon...we are n.o.r.m.a.l. now. How could I even think of complaining (for real).

Oh and school... school has been challenging and fun and hard.  Lots of 100/200 question quizzes and exams. In fact, this coming week I have a quiz or exam in every single class. I shouldn't even be taking this time, but I should...you know?

I've had three patients in clinic so far.  I love it. I was worried about the whole people part of becoming a doctor (LOL!) but I think I've handled it just fine. I had a challenging patient who had RA and Fibro amongst other things and I was so happy that I could make a connection with her. She really needed to know that she wasn't alone and I guess I needed to as well. I've never met anyone in person who has these same diseases since I've been diagnosed. I saw the tell tale fingers, her scarred body from joint replacements. I saw her fear and I reassured her she did not need to justify herself to me or anyone else for that matter. I knew what she was doing because I do it myself.

A couple of weeks ago in Bio lab I paired up with this girl. I was having trouble remembering my metric system math and she whizzed right through it. She offered to stay and help but there was no way I was going to take her Saturday afternoon from her so I told her she should just go and I'll figure it out. I told her she was really good at it. What she said left me standing there staring at her as she packed her stuff and left the room. My vision grew blurry... she said, "oh darlin', I'm no better than you." and she walked away.

This hit me so hard because I've always felt people are better than me and I'm stuck with losers (in my childhood). I've made sure to surround myself with people who I perceive are better than me. People to aspire to. I realized day in and day out I tell my kids the same exact thing, nobody is better than you... no one can make you feel inferior without your consent... But deep down, I feel just like they do. Now that I am aware of it I need to figure out how to change this and teach them how to change it for themselves. I thought I had already fixed this about me but apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg. 

It seems like every time...

I come here it's to say I am still here, still blogging, still breathing.

Ok, sorry about that. Typed the one line and Purries decided it was her turn with mom for some kitty love. Poor girl. It's 3:30 am and she comes to bitch at her mama for not being around.

Anyhow, things are hectic for me. I'm in my third week at the community college and my second week in med school. I'm having some troubles with an instructor. Well, I'll just outright say it. He's an asshole. It's an online class so I was giving him the benefit of the doubt but I've revised that. Definitely an asshole. I'm doing fine in the class but I could do without his smart ass remarks because I am trying to get some clarity from him on his ambiguous expectations and I guess I'm expecting too much because I expect him to like, answer questions and um, TEACH. I don't like his condescending attitude. He comes across like he's talking to a 2 year old. I have three degrees, one of which I completed online. This isn't my first go around the block, if you know what I mean?

I'm still working, still homeschooling, still...

My RA and fibro are in check (or they were as I type this but you know the internets and all that jazz.)

The kids are straggling a little in homeschool this week. Rather I should say the girls are straggling a little. Which I expected since they don't have anyone to crack the whip. lol! Actually, Hubbins is supposed to take over homeschooling for me. He's been working with them. Here I pause to chuckle because Hubbins has no clue. Hubbins if you are reading this, you truly don't.  The material yes, but how the curriculum works, uh uh. It's ok though. You'll get it. I was still trying to get it when my own school started and I can't really say I have a firm grasp on it now.

We are using Sonlight and it can be very... confusing. I know it will get easier as we become accustomed to the schedules but there's a lot to shuffle before you find the path. Lots of goodies to integrate. That could be said for any curriculum though.  The boy, however, is soaring in math. He's floating on cloud 9 around the house because I already had to place an order for his next set of math books that will be the identical workbooks Poufy is working in.  By the end of this week he will have completed the two workbooks required for 1st grade and will be sliding right in beside his sister. To say he is excited and pleased is an understatement. Poufy on the other hand not so much. It's the kick in the pants she needs to get going and it's the boost the boy needs to give him self-confidence because he still has none. Win-win.

Other than requesting a necessity allowance and allergy meds for CDQ, I've heard nothing. This month I switched the kids insurance to a different provider that will take effect November 1 and I'm terrified it is going to mess things up for CDQ. I don't know how switching works but this particular insurance is directly from the hospital and providers in the area.   The other one was from the competing hospital but they've gone downhill and they are paying out to the insurance I just switched to, which makes me think that is why they (insurance) are trying to cut CDQ's services short. It's not like the big names (BC/BS, etc...) that can go anywhere. However, this particular association has more services that benefit all my children, Poufy's endocrinologist and CDQ's facility being just two of the main reasons and the new hospital that is 20 minutes from my house. I'm hoping the switch will restart CDQ's eligibility but I'm scared to call the center and let them know too soon in case it doesn't work out that way.

My heart is heavy and still hurts when I think of CDQ. I drive by the center where she's at on my way to school and my school is actually the building right next to where our former therapists work.  It's a constant reminder of all that has happened and all that I am working toward. Not that any of it has faded away.

As usual, I have so much to say and so little time to say it. I have some posts in drafts that I am working on. I want to remember my first steps on my journey towards my medical career (I was shocked the first time one of my instructors said that...what medical career? lol). I had to order a laptop so that I could work when I'm away from home.  Maybe I can squeeze in some of this stuff.

I will leave you with this memory that I have been holding onto tightly. My kids are sitting around the kitchen table. We've just finished our spelling segment and we are moving into music. The kids had to learn the Ocean and Continents song and Stars and Stripes Forever. I told them if they passed they could play instruments as they sang along to it, one final time. I have the instruments laid out on the table, they all passed and are eyeing each wooden instrument weighing their decisions. I decided to play each song twice and let them switch through the instruments.  Each child has carefully chosen and every time the music starts up.....they suddenly start tapping the bongo, shaking the tambourine, etc... to no particular beat at all. None of them have rhythm and they were all doing their own thing. LOL! I tried to teach them to count and clap out beats. Holy-moly.  It was the funniest thing ever. I wish I would have recorded it but I literally didn't want to leave to get the camera. I didn't want to miss a second of it. It was loud but they loved it. Their laughter was the true music on that day. 

Ding Dong Mom

This post will be nothing like what you might be imagining. lol

When I was a kid, I used to want to take a lunch box to school instead of eating hot lunch. I actually went to an elementary school where the hot lunch was delicious almost always.  The kitchen was ran by Hispanic women who made things like they would at home, they also served things like they would at home. lol

Anyhow, the reason why I am bringing this up is because I start school tomorrow (one of them anyway) and I've been wondering what kind of Mom I am going to morph into next. By that, I mean, I have been working 45+ hour weeks since the kids were placed here but I've been working from home.  In their eyes I AM a stay home mom.

I worry since I will be taking a full load at two schools and still continue to work at home that my Mama Points TM  will go further down. I worry about maintaining my health and limiting my fatigue.  I already know that I am the tough one. I'm the one that rides them and pushes them to do their best and most of the time I'm the one whose all business, while Hubbins is the movies and games parent especially since I got sick. Most of my energy goes into making sure everything runs around here.

I try to do things in my own way. Things that aren't too mushy or obvious because let's face it, I still fear regression and meltdowns and even though that doesn't happen as often, my kids are still their own worst enemy when it comes to sabotaging themselves.

So back to the lunch from home. When I was younger, I used to see the majority of the kids who brought home lunch had this familiar foil wrapped hockey puck like object in their lunch boxes. It was a little chocolate cake with filling inside and it was called  a ding dong. I had actually never had one, but what touched me was the fact that I believed their mother's made and wrapped these little cakes for them. I wanted a mother who would do that for me. So I begged and begged for lunch from home. When I finally was sent to school with my lunch, I was disappointed to see that I did not have that little foil wrapped gift in my box. I figured it was because it was my grandmother and not my mother who took care of me. I knew the lunch was packed with my grandmother's love but it wasn't the same.

It stuck with me. It stuck with me until the day I bought my own box of ding dongs and opened them to find they were already wrapped in foil and no one's mom was doing them any favors. lol!

But that feeling I had, that those kids mother's cared so much for them. That's how I want my kids to feel. I don't want them to feel anything less because I'm not their "mom" and I'm their Aunt.  I want to find the foil wrapped little cake that makes them feel they are loved by a mother.  That they are no less then anyone else.

I've been trying to find that but I guess I will never know until later when they come back as adults and share their stories.  I don't want my life to interfere with theirs. I want it to be something they can be proud of and be part of.  I am going back to school for all of us.  To try to make a better life for us all. To keep my health so that I can accomplish it all. But I hope it's not at their expense and I will do everything that I can to keep things running as smoothly as I can.

A mother's self-imposed guilt is a strong thing, isn't it? 

Forgive me...

I keep forgetting to take pics of the girl's room when they are awake!

Actually in all fairness, if they are awake, they are either doing chores or homeschool at this point in the game. Which means that I am there with them telling them/showing them how to do something or another.

I need to pull out my camera too. Have it handy so I'll remember. So many things I could be taking pictures of... like, out here in NM it is green chili season. When you walk outside or go anywhere the smell of green chili's roasting is in the air. It smells so good. We bought two 30 pound bags of medium hot this year (mild was already sold out) and my mom bought one bag of medium hot and one of hot. Peeling the chili is a lot of work but we separate it out into bags and freeze it, that way we have chili year round. It is so yummy. The chili this year is HOT HOT HOT!

I still have no word from the treatment center about CDQ, so I will just leave it at that.

I'm gearing up for some big changes next week. I'm starting to feel a little intimidated and that little voice inside of me keeps saying "Who in the hell do you think you are?" I just push it out of my mind. The old me wouldn't even think twice about what I am about to do- the voice would still be there... but the new me is worried about pain and flare ups and fibro fog and just plain fatigue.

You see, I applied to acupuncture school to become a Doctor of Oriental Medicine and I was accepted!

It's a three year accelerated program. I start the day after labor day and it will be intense.  Because it's an accelerated program my schedule will consist of around 24 credits/units a semester, plus clinic every week. to add to the matter, they've made an exception for me and are allowing me to take some classes at the community college concurrently. So I will be taking 11 units at the community college a few nights a week and on Saturdays- Anatomy and Physiology and lab, Biology for Health Science and lab, and Medical Terminology. After the three years are done, I will do another three years as a resident.

I will still continue to homeschool the kids and take care of Hubbins. I wish I could say my mother has been a big help, but I can't. I've really tried not to blog about all that but the reality is I didn't make things any better by moving her here to "help".

I'm trying to focus on the positives, I will be able to put my money where my mouth is. Only the oldest has seen me at work while I was earning my undergraduate degrees. My other kids only hear me tell them about what it will be like for them in college. Now I can SHOW them what it will be like and if I can do it with all these obstacles they most certainly can do it too.

I know when I was raising my step-sister's kids, we all sat around the kitchen table and did our homework together. I really thought they would make it to college. I thought I had instilled in them enough to make them want more, but I didn't have a long enough span of time with them to make it happen. They succumbed to toxic family cycles. :-(  They were much younger than my children. I really have to step it up so my kids will know that anything is possible.

I find they get discouraged because they are behind. They have a lot of holes that need filling and it is NOT their fault. But I don't feel like I am helping them if I were to let them skim over like they would in public/private school. The truth of the matter is my kids are super smart. They are still young enough to pick up on things rather quickly. My problem is they want to speed through it and end up making little mistakes that drive me crazy.   And that is what is slowing them down some, but we do have RAD surfacing, a lot of mute stares, head shaking because of course they know it ALL and just a lot of fear of vulnerability and looking stupid.  I don't know if I've just become accustomed to it, but I really think that stuff is starting to slip away. Don't get me wrong, I totally yank my hair out...but the tears (their's not me. lol) are getting less and I am able to slip in some encouragement (when they have turned to leave and are halfway out the door) and not have the raging backlashes.

Things can only get better, that's what I keep telling myself.

Road Trip

WHOA~! I can't believe I forgot to come back and finish this! I thought I had posted it. So here it goes.
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I did it. I got on a plane to Seattle and drove the shuttle bus back all by myself. I got in early on the third morning gone, second day driving.  I flew from here to Arizona and then from Arizona to Seattle, Washington then I drove through Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Utah, Colorado and back home. It was scary and awesome at the same time.

I had never been away from Hubbins that far or that long and the kiddos, they had respite in the past but I hadn't been that far either. So again, awesome and scary at the same time.

I stopped a lot along the way but I wish I would have taken more pictures. Washington and Oregon were beautiful. I liked Utah until I got to the 15. I hated it so bad I pulled over and found myself at an Ikea. Having never been to Ikea, I thought I'd pop in for a break and then take off after my nerves were settled.

Three hours later, I was cranky and I hurt and I hated Ikea. It was like a lying maze that I couldn't find my way out of even though I was taking the "short cut" to the exit. The pics of my swollen ankles were taken before Ikea, I actually had a flap of skin hanging over the side of my ankle and shoe after Ikea.

All things considered, it was a great trip. I wish I would have taken more pictures. I decided not to post pics of the shuttle because it's a pretty unique one. But just picture a hotel shuttle bus and you will know what a massive vehicle I was driving. I'm telling you. I went from driving a Mustang, to a mini-van to a 12 passenger van to a shuttle bus!

Life is crazy like that. lol 

So many changes...

NEWS, NeWs, news!

I have news for you all but I have been out of my mind busy.

I recently realized I never posted the post about my SOLO ROAD TRIP last month. I had problems uploading pictures and then totally forgot. Oopsies!

I have the girls bedroom update- PEOPLE- I put together THREE loft beds and 4 rolling chairs. May not seem like a big deal but remember my Rheumatoid Arthritis?  To hell with you RA! (*fist shaking in air* because yes, I can make a fist again! whoo hoo!)

Which I need to post about my pain-free fingers now....SQUEE!!!  All I have left are weak wrists and ankles...

Big news on what will consume me for the next several years!

AND homeschooling stuff to share...we are easing into it...but lots of cool stuff.

Lastly, taking control of my home again, it is so nice to look around and see my house turning back into a home and not some place that looks like things were dumped and ransacked through. Which reminds me, I was streaming Hoarders on Netflix last week (yes, while I was cleaning- such a motivator. lol!) and there was an episode with a single adoptive father who was raising a child with RAD.  I looked at his house and I just felt so sad for him and the sibling who were living amongst it. There truly wasn't any understanding from the people around him- family/friends, etc... I was shocked that they were shocked about the pee. LOL! At first I wasn't certain that he was a hoarder and that it had more to do with the child's condition...I'm still left a little uncertain but it was such a clear reminder of our past. It definitely hit home.

Many things are changing around here... It seems for the better. Am I sad that CDQ couldn't be a part of it? Yes. Do I understand that these changes are possible because she's not here. yes. Unlike their bio mother who had no problem forgetting the child that was murdered, I still say I have 5 children and I guess I always will.

I expect to hear something from the treatment center regarding CDQ's situation next week.

So, I will be popping in here and there and trying to get as much as I can in. Our lives will change in just two short weeks. It's exciting and it's scary and it's the change we so desperately need.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Happy Sunday!

The words that made me feel better...

The same day I met with the people at the treatment center, I was delivered a punch to the gut when I walked through the door and Hubbins told me that a law office had called for me asking for my step-father.

Huh?

I have had no contact with him whatsoever since the late 90's and how the hell would he get my phone number? It was court ordered that under no circumstances was my phone number to be released to anybody in that family.

Now sit down for this one...

I called the law office back and I asked them how my name was associated with his. They pulled up their records and this mf'er listed me as a relative. 


I was so shocked, I told the woman on the phone that I was not a relative but the step-daughter he molested. I heard a gasp. The woman told me she needed to speak to the attorney and would be right back. When she came back on the line she apologized over and over again and told me they had never encountered such a thing or even heard of such a thing.  I told her I was shocked that he would have the audacity to do that and I had no idea how he had my phone number. She advised me to change my number and told me I was handling the whole thing a lot better that she would.

I told her I was surprised but kind of not considering he's a drug addict and she said "You know, once a piece of shit, always a piece of shit."

People have offered up sympathy which always makes me feel bad. I don't know why, maybe it's the pity part... but her words, they actually touched me. I felt a warmth and just a feeling of validation. I felt this odd sense of peace and I exhaled. The anxiety I felt during the call melted away.

She helped me more than she will ever even know. 

"The Only Safe Place"

A couple of nights ago, I almost became a puddle of tears in front of the oldest. I had to go to the bathroom because I didn't want the oldest to see.

We were in my bedroom and out of no where the oldest said that she only wants to see her bio mom to get the ashes of her little sister back if her bio mother hasn't lost them by then. I was surprised she was even thinking of her.

She told me that she's thought and thought about it and she wants to know if she gets B's ashes back if she (B's ashes) can stay here.  She said "It's the only safe place I can think of where we will all be coming back to. I mean, it might not be this house by then but, home- where ever it is, you know? I know she'll be safe with you guys."

$%^&, I'm about to cry now.

Those are two huge things. Two very ginormous things.

I told her of course she could leave B's ashes here.

OMGosh!, I don't think you even need to be a RAD mom to know just how huge this is. I don't know if the oldest discussed it with the other kids but they've definitely talked about coming back here for the holidays. At 15, the oldest has taken on a lot and is slowly breaking away from being the voice for all of them but she still speaks for them when it comes to important things.

Not to belittle the situation but I've always dreamed of having that "normal" family where the kids come home for the holidays (well, mostly before they start with their own families and stuff.) and just having that place that my kids know they can always come to and find comfort and good times.  I had wanted to create that with my mother and sisters but they didn't want it.

B's ashes.... such an honor and so huge, even if it never comes to pass. 

Pressing on...

Things are going as well as can be expected.

My kids are double excited because of all the new homeschool changes and curriculum that they are seeing pop up around the house.  It's crazy because I remember posting the alphabet and number charts, vowels and consonant charts, and then cursive charts and noun charts and parts of speech, etc... and now I'm posting human anatomy charts, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights charts and geometry charts. I was excited and a little sad myself...my babies aren't babies anymore.  I mean, I know this, right? I see it every day but it's things like that which hit me the hardest.

They are already talking about college! Believe me it isn't a complaint and I'm not taking it for granted. We've ALL worked hard. I know I'm lucky. They don't want to leave home but say they know they need to leave for college and of course, I just hinted that in our state there is a student lottery which will pay for their bachelors degree as long as they keep a certain GPA AND, you know if they were still in school and stuff and they were doing well, like, um...they could still stay at home. Ah hem....*blush*

Poufy cracks me up. I was putting together her loft bed and I had just hung up the new posters. She came in and sat down next to me on the floor and she said "I am so excited for homeschool this year. I was excited before with the stuff on the shelf, but when I saw the poster of Presidents, I just knew this was going to be a fun year. I can feel it in my bones!" This said with her hair poufed to the ceiling (it was drying from her shower) and her eyes extra wide behind her glasses.

Which reminds me... they all have new glasses. Not to make this a PSA but women, please take care of yourself and do the prenatal things. My kiddos are losing their eyesight and they are so young. Every year it's a pretty big jump. I've got two that definitely can NOT see without glasses. In fact, with Poufy this time around they couldn't find a setting to help her see clearly. It was just good enough so she can see.  I've been told that there's nothing that can be done about it and hopefully technology will advance before she loses all her sight and there will be a surgery for her. :-(  I hope this happens, I hope there will be a surgery. She wants to be a scientist and study insects at this point in her life, she's been pretty steady with that for the past few years.

The girl's room is almost ready to go.  We bought them loft beds with desks underneath. I've put one together fully, I need to install the second desk on the other and today we should get the third desk via Fed Ex. The oldest said she's excited because she finally feels like they are moving forward.

I've been working diligently on erasing all the reminders of the past. I've replaced one of the two refrigerators that CDQ broke, both the front and back door to the house that CDQ broke and we filled in all the holes she made. We still have to work on the computer she broke and the boy's room which was the last room she stayed in. I'll be buying the paint for his room in the next day or so.  We've also replaced the bedroom door she broke and I still need to buy doorknobs for the bathroom and both of the bedrooms which she also broke. It was eyeopening because I had always treated them as a collective when I talked to them about the things they broke around the house but in fact, what the rest had done was minimal considering the overall damage CDQ had done.

I had a meeting this week with the treatment center. The insurance feels that they have done their job because CDQ is no longer suicidal or wanting to kill others (of course, she's not at home), the treatment center feels that CDQ cannot come home because she hasn't changed. She's traumatized children at the center. The youngest, a four year old girl. They told me that she does have all the markers for antisocial personality disorder (sociopath) and that sadly they don't see that ever changing.  They told me they could keep her there for a month free but it would do no good, there would be no change. They told me I could send her to TFC where they would make sure that she was placed as an only child with no animals and highly skilled parents but even then, that would be for a year tops. They said even if it was just Hubbins and I and cameras and intercoms and door alarms we wouldn't be able to do it. We'd have to have cameras in the bathrooms and showers even because she's become an expert at making allegations towards others.

They are worried about what she would do to the family if she came back and are sort of recommending (because they can't tell us what to do) she never come back, which brought us to being charged with abandonment. It's the only way to keep everyone safe. I feel like this needs to change, I don't know what I am going to do about it but we can't keep getting charged with these things (as I know other adoptive parents have) because of our children having severe mental issues while their biological parents are free with all THEIR rights intact. So in the next couple of weeks we will be meeting with CYFD so that we can ask any questions and make an informed "decision".    If you ask me, CDQ already made the decision.

I'm in a weird place, I'm not angry and I'm not sad anymore. I've given this to God and I feel like I can't be angry or sad. I feel like my heart has mostly stepped out of this and my brain has taken over. I NEED to protect my other children and yes, CDQ doesn't realize what she's done and she is a disturbed child but I've literally done all I can do. Maybe if she were the only consideration I would continue to run myself down. But she's not. I've seen first hand what happens to the others when the mother tends to the one child, and the outcome is not good and nothing changes with that child in the end but the other children are left broken and needy. I have a chance to do right by the other four, I can't let them down. 

Extra

It was a simple slip. One "extra".  Most of the time I catch it as I'm putting out the "extra" dish or placing the "extra" item in the cart.

Such a small, simple thing.

She said, "Do you want pizza?"

I looked at her confused, after all where was this pizza supposed to come from?

She said, "There is an extra one."

I was so confused. Extra? How? One of my kids did not eat their pizza? Impossible.

She noted my confusion and then the recognition flashed across my face. I said no words but she said "You still buy five of things sometimes. It's only natural."

I turned away and stared at the now too bright computer screen. My mind repeating what has become a broken record that is stuck on repeat when I think of this child. "It's not my fault", "I did everything I could.", "It's what she wants."...and on, and on...

Sometimes the days are filled with "extras".

It's a Go!

Everything checked out with the van/shuttle. There were a few minor things but they will all be resolved by the company before I pick it up.

I will be flying in and driving it back home. For now let's just say I will be driving across many states. I am nervous because I've never been away from Hubbins in all the time we have been together and I've never left him in anybody else's care. I've also never been really far away from the kids either.

My kids are freaking out a little (well, maybe a lot). The boy surprised me. Well, the oldest surprised me with the news that the boy has been daydreaming about disasters that may occur and my early demise. Not in a bad way as in, he wants it to happen but more that he's afraid it will happen. He even cried. This is the child I worry about now. Sometimes I feel like he's formed no attachments with anyone. I don't know if it's a guy thing but he's been pretty good at hiding that sort of emotion. Even though every other emotion is worn plainly on his sleeve.

All I know is that when the time comes for me to go, I just want to get back as quickly as possible. This is my own emotion that shocks me since *I've* been daydreaming about a break- a vacation.

Now all I can think about is getting back.

I have to admit, I'm a little thrilled to see my kids worrying and caring about me. Seems a little twisted but after all this time, it's a nice change.

NINETEEN SOMETHINGS TO SAY TO CHILDREN...

NINETEEN SOMETHINGS TO SAY TO CHILDREN

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1. I love you! There is nothing that will make me stop loving you. Nothing you could do or say or think will ever change that.
2. You are amazing! I look at you with wonder! Not just at what you can do, but who you are. There is no one like you. No one!
3. It's all right to cry. People cry for all kinds of reasons: when they are hurt, sad, glad, or worried; when they are angry, afraid, or lonely. Big people cry too. I do.
4. You've made a mistake. That was wrong. People make mistakes. I do. Is it something we can fix? What can we do? It's all over. You can start fresh. I know you are sorry. I forgive you.
5. You did the right thing. That was scary or hard. Even though it wasn't easy, you did it. I am proud of you; you should be too.
6. I'm sorry. Forgive me. I made a mistake.
7. You can change your mind. It's good to decide, but it is also fine to change.
8. What a great idea! You were really thinking! How did you come up with that? Tell me more. Your mind is clever!
9. That was kind. You did something helpful and thoughtful for that person. That must make you feel good inside. Thank you!
10. I have a surprise for you. It's not your birthday. It's for no reason at all. Just a surprise, a little one, but a surprise.
11. I can wait. We have time. You don't have to hurry this time.
12. What would you like to do? It's your turn to pick. You have great ideas. It's important to follow your special interests.
13. Tell me about it. I'd like to hear more. And then what happened? I'll listen.
14. I'm right here. I won't leave without saying good-bye. I am watching you. I am listening to you.
15. Please and Thank You. These are important words. If I forget to use them, will you remind me?
16. I missed you. I think about you when we are not together!
17. Just try. A little bit. One taste, one step. You might like it. Let's see. I'll help you if you need it. I think you can do it.
18. I'll help you. I heard you call me, here I am. How can I help you? If we both work together, we can get this done. I know you can do it by yourself, but I'm glad to help since you asked.
19. What do you wish for? Even if it's not yet time for birthday candles and we don't have a wishbone, it's still fun to hear about what you wish for, hope for, and dream about.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

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Saw this and loved it and wanted to share :-) 

The story of "THE CAR"

I know A LooOOOOOng time ago I said I had to tell you about my most recent car buying experience. So here it is...

When the kids first came to live with us we had my Mustang and a handicap van. My Mustang was obviously not meant for kids and the van only had a back bench that seated three and the driver's seat. Of course this was a problem. Especially since we all had to be together all the time.

We added a jump seat (seat that folds up) to the middle and that made exactly 5 seats. This would have seemed to have solved the problem but nope, with the ramp and various equipment in the van, the extra weight was too much and things started to go down hill with the van. It would ride so low, we couldn't even drive up the driveway to our house without letting the kids out first because it would scrape the bottom. The power steering was already leaking at that point from having hit the bottom of the van.

I had bought a 12 passenger van and boy oh boy did that van get used. We packed it with Girl Scouts and went every where but the fact still remained Hubbin's couldn't go with us. The plan with the bigger van was to have it converted so Hubbin's could come along too but we found out that it would cost more than the van itself to get all the conversions it would need.  When CDQ first started going into day treatment it was costing me $80+ a week in gas just to transport her. I couldn't afford it.

Hubbins and I agreed we would buy a little commuter car that had better mileage in the meantime just to transport CDQ, so I bought a little green escort from one of the biggest dealers in our state. Except the escort had issues. I loved everything about it, the payments were great, the mileage and gas were perfect but the damn thing had a "mechanical problem"(Their words). They tried to fix it but gave up. It shook so hard it hurt my hands and actually gave the oldest, who sat in the front passenger seat, a headache. You could see our headlights bouncing up and down on the car in front of us. While trying to resolve all the problems with it, CDQ ended up in RTC.

I had test drove the car prior and it hadn't done that. The sales guy (who is also a pastor at a local church) said if there was anything wrong with it they wouldn't sell it to me and he also agreed with me that the car never shook like that when we test drove it. They had said they needed to replace the motor mounts and that would fix it all. The next time they said all the motor mounts hadn't been replaced like they were supposed to and the third time they said it was the "nature" of the car.

What happened next must be illegal but I'm not even sure where to start with it. I talked to the sales manager at the dealership and told him that service was telling me the car could not be fixed any further and sales was telling me that service didn't make those decisions. The manager told me that he didn't want me to feel like I was stuck with the car and that I could bring it in and if I wanted to I could see if they had something else for me.

So I did, I was so nervous about not having a car to transport CDQ. I didn't understand that she was going to be in RTC for awhile so I was anxious to get a new car. The car I was purchasing was $5000. I looked at a Focus and thought I was going to buy that when they called me and told me they had a car they wanted me to see. I literally already had the Focus in my driveway. I took the Focus back and they sent me home with another more expensive car.  I went ahead and agreed to purchase a $15,000 car just to have a car that was reliable and not crap. This whole fiasco had already gone nearly three months by then (Dec.- Jan./Feb.).

They told me that since the other car had already funded, they needed to take the escort in as a trade in now. I stupidly assumed that it was going to be full value. Instead, they took the full amount of the car including the interest if I had taken 4 years to pay it ($7,000) and charged me for it! I now was paying for both cars! $24000 to be exact.

I told them that wasn't right. I didn't want either car. They told me there was nothing they could do but give me the escort back. I told them to go ahead then. I was so angry. I felt cornered. They had already sold my van that I had traded in and wasn't upside down in.  Then they did the psychological crap on me. I knew they were doing it to me, but in the back of my mind I knew I needed something for when CDQ came home (at that point I thought she was only going to be gone for two weeks). They told me "you don't want your daughter getting headaches do you?".

I knew the car I was buying was worth $20,000 and I knew they had lowered the price some to $14,000. But I finally just agreed to go home.  I should've fought it, I still think I should hire a lawyer. At the time I couldn't afford one because of Christmas and Birthdays and back then I was still paying out of pocket for CDQ's pills.

I get angry every time I think about it, which is like every time I get in my car.

So that's the story of how I got screwed buying a car.  What we really need is a converted shuttle bus you know the kind that shuttle people around the airport and stuff? Yeah, one of those. The reason why I am telling you all this is if the inspection comes back good today we just might have one by next week!! :-) I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but I can't help but have visions of ENTIRE family outings to the
zoo, a vacation, hell, just even going to the store or out to dinner ALL TOGETHER AGAIN!

Counting the minutes until the inspector guy faxes his results...tick, tock, tick, tock.

Keep the changes coming...

I won't lie, I am S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D! I am trying to control it because it's not bad stress it's just overwhelming. But RA and Fibro don't seem to care what kind it is.

We got the priming done in the girls room, except for one wall.  The girls had told me they wanted a purple room and I chose a sample called "Iced Purple". We tested it and all three of them loved it. I was surprised at how easy it was, so we went and got two gallons of it and are looking at getting that done tomorrow. The oldest got her hair cut while we were out and I will post that some time soon.

I was looking into buying a triple loft bed system for them and just as Hubbins was about to pay for it, I casually mentioned that maybe we should measure the room and what were the specs on it? UGH! It won't fit. The thing is a monster, which we should have realized with all the shelves, dressers, etc...so then we looked at triple bunk beds but um, all any of us could picture was a sandwich of kids since we could only find the triple bunk beds online and not see them in person. I don't know how sturdy they would be and my kids are tweens/teen already.

So, now I am looking at these metal loft beds that have shelving and a desk underneath. We think we can fit three of them in the room plus three dressers. That way each kid has a space for their computer and to do their work and still has room to play and make a space of their own. *phew*

The boy's room will be so much easier, but isn't that the way with everything?

Homeschool curriculum is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. 6 Boxes! 235 lbs of education! Are we excited!?!? Hell yeah! Am I scared?!?! You betcha! I was shocked when I paid that bill...but if it all works out I'll have most of the curriculum and only need to buy a few things for the oldest and SS over the next two years to complete the 8th grade curriculum and the 10th -12th grades. I finally decided I wanted a preset curriculum rather than piecing it all together myself and my kids (well with the exception of the boy--yet) LOVE to read and oh THE BOOKS that are part of the curriculum have them SO excited and the fact that they will be in their correct year of school and still have a safety net should there be some blank spaces that need filling makes them even more excited. I have high hopes for this curriculum and plan on sharing our selections and progress with it over the next year.

Finally we are getting a new extra huge refrigerator. It's supposed to be delivered on Saturday. CDQ broke both refrigerators and I had fixed them the best I could. How did she break both refrigerators, one might ask? Well, I was a fool. See when Hubbin's and I moved in there was a refrigerator here and we had brought one with us that we put in our laundry room as a spare. Well, when CDQ broke the first one, I figured it was just she was rough with things and it was an accident and moved the broken one to the laundry room and took the other one out. I explained she couldn't be so rough with things and of course she nodded like a bobblehead as it went in one ear and out the other. Then she promptly had the same accidents with the second one and no, I still wasn't wise yet and continued to trust her. It wasn't until I caught her talking to herself trying to pry the window sill up in her bedroom and heard her muttering that I didn't want her to destroy the house, so she was going to destroy it that I finally realized the truth. I'll be honest, I still had times where I trusted her and was screwed for it. I never seemed to learn with her.

Anyhow, there are going to be some MAJOR changes around here. Interestingly enough, they have nothing to do with CDQ unless something happens with the RTC stuff.

I'll post about things as they come up because a) I don't want to jinx things, and 2) I'll know things for sure by then.

In the meantime, I am trying to remind myself to just BREATHE!

Locks of Love

About a month ago now, my middle girls were talking about having their hair cut short again for summer time. Some where they had seen that they could donate their hair to other kids. So I googled and came across Locks of Love.So off we went to have their hair cut for donation.

 

Poufy went first and then SS as you can see, this is some serious stuff. :-)

If you haven't noticed, Poufy's hair is crazy curly and well, poufy.

 These were some serious times. ;-)

Decisions needed to be made...

I worried some with some of the faces they were making...

 But in the end...

 They were all smiles.

 Unfortunately, their hair looks better dried and done but I have yet to catch that.

You can sort of see in this picture, I caught Poufy off guard but you get the idea with her hair and SS is done up in the background too.

Now the oldest wants her hair cut but she's not cutting for length, just a style. Hopefully, we can go this week.