Thankfully...

Cookie sales are over and my job as collection person is almost done. 

Now...now I need to put the smack down here at home. Things have been escalating and I don't have ONE single kid behaving. Not even the 13 year old non RAD kid. 

I think I might have one small victory. CDQ likes to pound her fists onto her legs when she doesn't get her way.  Today she was going at it. Everyone thought I was crazy because I said "the one good thing about CDQ is that when you feel like smacking her she takes care of it for you by doing it herself. So considerate AND satisfying. " 

I could hear in the monitor, she did an inward scream/groan and then there was silence. No more leg pounding with her fists for the rest of the day! The family thinks I've lost my mind, but I think I've appealed to her ODD.  I hope so anyway. I'm tired of her hurting herself and I don't feel comfortable doing the hold on her. 

Oh yeah, I also installed locking doorknobs on some of the closet doors. The kids don't need access to them so...why tempt them?  Do you know that I can now install a doorknob in less than 15 minutes (that's including complications).  

I am *still* unpacking boxes. Yeesh!  But I've also been putting stuff I have bought over the years up where I intended them to go but never had the time.  I'm starting to like my house even more again. lol 

Sneaking in a post...

Ok, so I've been thinking about the stealing thing and trying to figure it out and I am confused. 

The kids aren't to be in our room at all, they stole from our room... Girl Scout Cookies amongst many other things that we keep in our room because we are keeping it from them because of previous experiences.  I've also figured out that all FIVE of them are stealing.  

How do I let them steal. I mean... that was expensive.  Chores don't bother them, loss of privileges don't bother them. I can't waste money like that. We had already bought a CASE of cookies for home, so it wasn't like they didn't have any. 

I have things that they just can't steal and unlike when I ask them to lie and they can't, they have no problems with stealing. 

How does allowing them to steal work when there are things that can't be stolen? When you let your kids steal do they act like it's a prize and take ridiculous things... I'm talking like jewelry, radios, tv, the wii?   Please tell me your kids are like this? lol 

CLARIFICATION: I guess (because who really knows?) that when I tell them they can steal stuff they think I am giving them things, as in just take what you want.  Does that make sense?  I should also probably mention that they are 7,8,9, and 10 years old. I think the 13 yo probably wouldn't steal if I gave her permission and told her it was stealing.  I also know for a fact that my kids know what stealing is and means.  The only one who may have some confusion is the 7 year old. That's why I say that I guess above because I have no clue and when I ask them some of them really have no clue while others don't say or I can tell that they just take it because they want it and don't care about consequences. 

I have called the police before when the now 10 year old stole money off her teacher's desk. The Sheriff came out and it seemed to work, he made them all junior deputies and he would drop in every now and then and ask SS how she was doing but he hasn't been around in awhile.  I don't really think he should be expected to keep coming out here either. 

Hope that clears up some stuff. 

I'll be so glad when...

Cookie sales are over. They actually are over, but I'm still trying to collect money from parents over a week after the deadline. Ultimate time suckage. I should be enjoying spring break. Instead I am stressing over this crap.  Blah....

Hopefully, I will find some time to post. Hope all is well out there. 

Message About Torina's Blog...

A troll nearly ate Torina and she is now hiding under the bridge at a Busy Intersection. Her blog, as a result, is now private and you will need a password to get in. If you are a reader, you can email her at torina.busyintersection at yahoo dot com for access.

Thanks!!!

Stealing

Yesterday Hubbins did a wonderful thing. We made dinner together early and then he sent me on my way to the movies so I could have a night out. 

Unfortunately, the two kids who had been doing well...well they robbed Hubbins and I blind. Hubbins spent the entire day with those two and he thought they had gone to their room to read. But apparently, they only allowed the alarm to sound to their room and then they went into our room and stole everything that wasn't nailed down basically. 

When I realized what they had done. I was livid. Under no circumstances whatsoever are any of them ever allowed in our bedroom and it was such a violation. I am at a loss, two weeks ago I found out that the other three were stealing as well. I can't lockdown everything in my house and I can't keep watch on all of them at the same time. 

This means that nothing gets done. We are at a standstill. I can only homeschool one kid at a time and with the other two girls *still* acting out... well, looks like everyone is staying in the same grade this year. 

We can't trust the kids to do chores to "repay" us because there are so many of them and it's hard to be following them. It becomes more of a pain then anything and I can't guarantee a return for that amount of time lost, does that make sense? 

Plus, how long do these kids go without anything? Every time they earn the privilege to have something back, they act out.  I have this set up I want to put out for them but with the standstill and all, I just don't know. 

I was thinking of moving onto domestics in homeschool but I guess we are going to have to go back and revisit trustworthiness, responsibility and honesty.  I've tested them and with the exception of the boy, the girls more than know the difference between right and wrong and there is absolutely no excuse for the oldest to be stealing. 

I'm trying to be understanding and to acknowledge that these behaviors are just that. But as most of you know, it's not an easy feat. 

I've been angry lately. Not at the kids but at people because they trigger these things with their big mouths.  CDQ is major BPD and along with that comes the distortion of her self-image. She is a leap year baby and she's clung to that as being what makes her "special".  A lady we know made the mistake 6 weeks ago of telling all the girls in girl scouts that CDQ was special because of her b-day and she totally regressed to the day she got here and has been there ever since. I'm not saying her behavior was stellar before but it wasn't starting all over again. 

I don't know if you remember my post about Poufy's eyes being normal? But shortly after that, I took her in for another blood draw for her thyroid. The lady drawing the blood told her she had beautiful green eyes.  One, Poufy's eyes are not green they are hazel. But again, her grandma (also the person who told CDQ she was "special" because of her birthday)  used to call her the green eyed monster.  The lady didn't stop there, she asked Poufy where she got her green eyes from.  I saw total fear and paralysis as Poufy looked to me with disdain.  I think it was the first time ever words have been exchanged between us through our eyes.  I ignored the woman and Poufy literally started rocking herself.  But the woman wouldn't let it drop. Finally I told her, but I didn't say what I wanted to say "She has her abusive murdering father's eyes." Instead I said it with out the murdering part because I don't want Poufy to think that (but I think she does) when people remark on her eyes .  But I so wanted to shame that woman.  Why of all things? 

I know they were innocent people with innocent remarks but still...why those things? Poufy's had it rocky since then and her pupils are back to being huge.    

I just can't seem to protect them and the urge is so strong but yet I still feel the need to protect Hubbins and myself from them. It's so complicated and it's a losing fight because I think it's something that can never really be done. 

The Cakes

So my cake decorating class ended the Thursday before last.  Can't say I'll miss it...I didn't really feel like I got anything out of it that I couldn't get from the book...oh, except offended...the book wouldn't have done that but first the cakes! Then I'll tell you what offended me. 

I think you all saw my first cakes here. The pink and white is the one I did before the class started. The Love one is the one I did the second week of class.  Third week of class I did nothing much really. I made some clown cupcakes, oh the excitement! The last week of class I did this. 

Notice the cake pan and how it's smeared? I had the cake on top of all my cake decorating supplies in a rolling cart, when I went in the store the cart went over the track for the door and bounced my cake into the side of the cake holder. What fun!  I was able to fix it but it already wasn't a good day...sort of.  This one is a lemon cake with a buttercream frosting. 

Then I did this for the oldest's b-day: 

I was up all night making these for her class, which caused me to question something else about the school she attends. I needed to make 24 of these. I'm paying for a 13:1 class size ratio...wth?  The reason I was up all night making these? My hand mixer went up in smoke.  Literally. Smoke streamed from the vents on the front. Bummer.  I had to mix everything by hand.  These are chocolate cupcakes with a buttercream frosting. 

Here's her birthday cake. I blurred out her name. She wanted Purple. It's a chocolate cake with whipped icing.  It wouldn't be so bad if my arms weren't so weak and messed up. 

But because of the burnout...Hubbins purchased me this (so he said it was for me, but I hear it is 'ours' now. lol) 

Isn't she awesome? 

I'm in love...

All metal gears....this mixer is not for the weak...lol 

Uh hmm, Moving on... the following week I made this...It's supposed to be Princess Fiona...but well, she doesn't have the red  hair and you can only make a Princess dress pouf out...so, she's Princess somebody.

Don't laugh, it was my first shot at using fondant.  I didn't even have a chance to read the book. In fact, I still haven't.  It's on my to do list.  This was a classic white cake with buttercream frosting and fondant over it. 

Finally, for the last of birthday week, the Strawberry Shortcake cake. This one was strawberry of course with a buttercream frosting. 

I was surprised how easy it was to make.  Unfortunately with the bright colors and all, she was hard to photograph. 

On the last day of my cake decorating class, I had left class and went into the store to buy some more couplers and tips. When I came back in the instructor was bitching about what she was being "punished" for.  

At first, I just thought to myself, "waa, waa, waa"  because it was a lot of bull. Until I heard her say she was being punished for not being a minority.  Then it was on. Especially since I was the only non-white person in the class and I could tell from the tense silence in the room that people realized at that point that I had returned.  Even the instructor ended her rant there. 

Uh, yeah... I wanted to tell her that maybe she was being punished because she was stupid considering the sole fact that she is a woman makes her a minority as well. Dumbass.  I can't believe that there are still people out there that believe that affirmative action is the ONLY reason minorities get jobs.  Really. Whatever helps you sleep at night... 

Also,  I couldn't help but hear that she was being "punished" for HER choices.  Woman up...you made these choices...you had choices. Damn!  

And uh, NEWSFLASH!!!! EVERYBODY is having a hard time finding jobs and making ends meet.  Just because it crossed your path doesn't mean the world is out to get you.  Look around and be thankful.  You just sold a house and bought a house.  Should I judge you for it, nah? But c'mon...you were lucky to sell your house and you talk about having to move to a smaller house. I know for a fact where you bought your new house that no houses are smaller than 2000 sq ft AND you only have 2 kids still at home.  You aren't being punished too badly are you?  You're making money "teaching" cake decorating when the class basically teaches itself.  You are kept. I would shut up if I were you. 

And that, my friends was why I was offended. lol 

one three

(Birthday Cupcakes for school) 

I told this story after your birthday dinner. After much thought, I figured I better write it down because I could see it meant so much to you. I looked around the table and I saw the expectant eyes of your siblings and I wished I had a birth story for them too. 

(Homemade Birthday Cake)

1-3. I can barely say it. I was there the day you were born. I saw your dark hair. I declined to be the first to hold you because I was worried about bonding issues with your mother...oh the irony. 

It started the night before, your mother was coming down the stairs with her cup of ice. Somewhere along the bottom, I'd say the fourth stair up from the bottom, she lost her footing. She was wearing these slippers that she practically lived in. Along with her too big sweats.  She fell down the last four steps.  Butt to stair until she got to the bottom.  She laughed. She said she was ok. 

But apparently that was the start of contractions.  Around 4 am we were running around. Grandma had this burgundy mini van I called "the bread truck". I sat in the last bench, your mom sat in the middle and Grandma was driving of course.  The roads were icy and we spun out, but Grandma righted the van and we were back on our way to the hospital. 

I can't say for sure what happened next. A whole lotta waiting. Your Mom was dying for a meatball sandwich.  Literally.  So finally around lunch time, I went and got her one from Subway. Neither one of us knew they were going to tell her she couldn't have it.  There it sat on the windowsill, your Mom was crying over it.  Grandma explained why she couldn't eat it, and let's just say YOU should be glad she didn't.  lol  I heard that she ate it hours later, cold and soggy and everything. Ewww. 

Anyhow, I was there when you came. Your Mom was screaming "GET IT OUT OF ME!" and well, being a fool. The nurse seemed to have become upset and told her she needed to stop because she was upsetting the other women in labor. She also told her that the baby needed to come out the same way it went in. :-O 

Eventually you came and I stood back in a corner to watch quietly. Unfortunately, Grandma is more of a hands on type of person and she was right there ready to yank you out because it didn't seem like the doctor was going to make it on time. 

But the doctor did and you were out, I'd say in less than half an hour. Time sort of stood still. Like I said, the doctor tried to hand you to me all icky and stuff but I refused so the nurse took you and cleaned you up and then brought you back to me.  Again, I told the nurse "shouldn't her mother be the first to hold her." Completely oblivious to the obvious that the doctor and the nurse already had held you. Instead of giving you to your mother, Grandma swooped in and took you.  They were still doing something to your mom. I don't know what. 

And that's your birth story pretty much.  Your Great Aunt named you as you know. 

I still can't believe you are 13.  I also can't believe you are mine. Maybe it was a sign that day you were born. Maybe I should have held you anyway.  I didn't want to take that from your mother.  I felt that was for her to have.  When you are old enough and you look for your Mother, because I know you will,  remember that when she tries to tell you that I stole you away from her- I have never tried and will never take the place of your mother.  If it becomes something you want, I will never deny you but I will never force you either. I know what that is like and would never do that to you. 

I hope you know that despite everything you are loved and wanted.  I hope when you look back at your childhood, you at least remember good times here.  I also hope by then you call this place home and us family and we aren't "just a place to crash until you are 18" anymore. In the meantime, I will enjoy the privilege of guiding you into a strong, independent and intelligent woman. 

(Yet another book, first book I gave her "Boys Will Put You on a Pedestal (so they can look up your dress)" before she came to live with us. I think I need to replace it. lol ).

Love you, 

Guess who's feeling almost human again?

I am! I am! 

Whoo! 

I have some congestion left but I don't feel like I can't move anymore.  I guess it didn't help that I still took the Daisy's to Build-a-Bear on Wed. and the kids to ice skating on Friday...but I didn't want to miss a thing, which is a post in itself.  (It hit me-- OMG! I am a MOM!) 

Shhh! I'm supposed to be getting Hubbins up but he got a phone call so I'm going to try to squeeze in some posts. 

I am so glad to be feeling mostly better.  Can you tell? 

I am still alive...

sick but alive. Grumpy....boy am I grumpy, even I don't want to be around me. lol 

I have started many posts and have yet to finish one. Birthdays, CAKES, cookies sales, a bitch who can kiss it, and a new appliance which is still in the box because we are dumb. Lots to share. In fact, that has been my theme lately. Start something and run to something else right in the middle never getting anything done really. 

Fun, fun, fun~!

I know I keep saying I have stuff to tell you, and I do and will...this year too! Promise. At least I have been able to drop in on blogs here and there. 

But I'm going to put something out there right now because I am having a really hard time with it and my good friend has probably given up on me. lol 

So here's the deal... a friend of mine asked me if she could nominate our family for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I agreed. I was and am excited. However, in the course of making the video tape...over and over and over again (to the point where I sometimes think I've said something and realize that was like 3 times ago. lol).  I've come to realize, like in blogging...I'm not sure how much to put out there.  I mean, we need a new house, there's no doubt.  With Hubbins alone there are a ton of modifications to be done.   But with the kids... how much is too much? When I go in to watch the video, I start to think "Hmmm, maybe...maybe that's not a good idea to say that..."  

Also, what can I say? Bela's bio father killed her and he walks free, free until they can prove without a doubt that he's done it. So if I say that he killed her and he hasn't been formally charged...am I opening myself up for the asshole to come after me for defamation? Because he's a POS like that.  He's still using her death to bed women on My*space. For real. If we are chosen and they show me saying that and then later on they find something concrete on him, will it be thrown out because someone could have seen the show and just assume he is guilty?

Plus, he doesn't know where we are at. Their mother knows what state we are in and possibly the city but not our address. We want to keep it that way. We don't even have numbers on our house. 

I sit there and watch myself describing behaviors and why we need certain modifications  because of RAD, or whatever and I start to get apprehensive. I still have hope that the kids will be able to go back to public school and make friends and lead a somewhat normal life. Will I be labeling them forever by doing this?

I'm worried I'm not thinking the whole thing through and I will make a huge mistake in something that I say and it will be broadcasted on tv and follow the kids for ever and ever.... I know dramatic. But I saw the backlash on that 20.20 special.  How can I get help without harming the kids? 

All you RAD parents...what would you do? What things are too private to share? What things can come back and bite them? 

As for my dear friend, if you are reading here. Please understand I have recorded this video over and over and over again and I feel so guilty for taking so long. I appreciate what you are doing for us. I can't explain what a hard place it is to be in. I'm so afraid of making a mistake that will make things worse for the kids. 

Oh and on a side note, My mother called me a few days ago. I answer because I always think she is going to tell me someone is dead...instead the conversation went like this. 

Her: You'll never believe what came in the mail today, it blew me away. 

Me: Child support from my biological father. 

Her: (deflated) yeah. 

How the hell I knew, I don't know.  I don't even know why I said that. But yeah. He's never paid a penny for me but now that I am 33 my mom gets child support.  Go figure!

I asked her how much I was worth...$1900 people. That's it. She claims she is going to send me some but I told her not to.  I don't want his money. I've come this far on my own and I think I've done a damn good job. No way will a couple of dollars from him give him right to claim me. 

And if he's upset about"losing" this money, even better. I hope he busts a nut over it. I hope it makes it hard for him because it's about damn time he feel pain over this. It doesn't even come close to what I have endured, but I do understand how much better off and lucky I am despite everything for him not being in my life.  

We aren't weird...are we?

So, in talking with Hubbins, I found out that the oldest thinks we (Hubbins and I), as a couple are...weird. 

It came up when Hubbins and I were watching Raymond followed by King of Queens. We laugh so hard and talk about just how weird those couples are. Especially the latter. 

I keep threatening Hubbins that I will post some of the things he says...but then I forget. 

Most recently though, I was the one to stick my foot in my mouth on accident. I find myself saying things without thinking. 'Cause, I mean...who has time to think?

Hubbins has been having problems eating certain foods  because he's almost at the top of the hill they just don't agree with his delicate self.  We think it's spicy and beef foods that don't agree but he LOVES meatball soup.  I was trying to think of a way to make it more healthier for him. He does eat buffalo (ewww) and that is supposed to be way better than beef and it comes in steaks and ground as well. 

So as I was getting him up and in his chair, I thought "I know!" and that's how far my thoughts went as I blurted out "How about Buffalo-Ball soup instead! What do you think?"  Thinking I was a genius and having a huge smirk on my face.  But you know how you can hear yourself after you've said something? Well, then I went into a giggle fit.  I'm not even sure if Hubbins was amused because I was laughing so hard. 

Upon questioning the oldest to see why she felt we were so weird and if it was justified, I figured out she was talking about the fact that Hubbins and I are ambitious and competitive. It's something we call Nerd Love.  We both have to be right, which is sad for Hubbins because we all know I am always right.  He's learning though.

When Hubbins does think I've done something incorrectly, he has this way of saying in a sing song voice "I love you Sweetie!" It goes back and forth until Hubbins realizes he was wrong. Yeah... that's what the oldest thinks is weird. But you know what? She'll learn too. Right? 

Conversations with the oldest I want to keep

Hubbins is doing much better now. Last night's choices were the right ones and they worked..phew!  I can breathe. 

I've had two moments with the oldest that I want to write down here because I don't want to forget them. 

One was when the oldest and I were in the kitchen. I was getting ready to go grocery shopping and she was bent putting some dishes away. 

Me: I'll be back. (Just to anyone who cared. lol)

Her: Where are you going? 

Me: (not liking the tone and being joking and sarcastic) You're not MY Mama. 

Her: (Looking up at me) No. But you ARE MY Mama. *chuckling*

Me: shock- recovering quickly- "Yeah. See you!" *smile* 

The oldest has been adamant that we are Aunt and Uncle. Until that moment, I didn't know she felt that way. I know she's been hugging us and telling us she loves us for a few months now but I had to leave because I almost started crying. I didn't know how to handle that situation. 

She's also been sticking close by me and not wanting me to leave the house.  She's been coming to me and talking to me about school and her friends. She's not so guarded.  I think I've actually gained her trust and at 13, it puzzles me. Shouldn't she be hating on me right now, or do I get to be the Aunt again sometimes? lol 

She was hating a few weeks ago. The only thing that changed was the fact that she's writing a teen romance novel and she thought she was busted when I "caught" her doing it. Fact is, I had "stumbled" across it before when she wasn't home and  I was appalled by it but then I got to thinking... someone has to write these books and she is a teen and it appeals to her and her friends...who knows, maybe she'll become an author. So, when I caught her writing instead of cleaning her room and I addressed her book and told her basically what I said above, she was in shock. She told me she thought I would be mad. I told her that I had actually wanted to write children's books when I was her age. 

Last week, in the car driving we were listening to talk radio and there was a kid on who knows all these facts about politics and presidents.  The announcer asks the kid what his plans are for High School. The oldest exclaims "He's an 8th grader!" then the announcer asks the kid how his friends treat him and feel about him. He says, "I'm just a normal 14 year old." To this the oldest exclaims he's only 14! 

I said yeah, only ONE year more than 13.  The announcer asked the kid what his plans were for his future. The oldest said she just wanted to get to 14 so she could read Twilight (lol).  I said, "Those are your only ambitions." She said "Yep!"

I said "You must have it good then." jokingly. 

She asked me what I meant. I told her when I was 14 I was working and trying to figure out how I was going to get out of the house when I was 18.  She said "Oh, I've never thought about that." I said "Really?, Never?" She said "Well, not here anyway. Before I thought about it all the time. But I like it here. I just don't like it when I get my stuff taken away" 

I told her it's not that fun when she gets her stuff taken away either (Ie. the radio with alarm so she can get herself up and I can sleep in an extra hour. lol)  

Anyway, I was sooo happy to hear that. When I told Hubbins later that night he said, "Oh great! Then she's never going to leave." lol  Don't worry, he was totally joking. I liked that moment too because it was like a normal parent moment, you know? Joking about the kids never leaving, etc...

The oldest talks about college sometimes. I'm not really sure she will go. She wants to travel the world. I will push her towards college and I've already planned to use the trips that are offered in college and how they are cheaper to motivate her to go. 

I'm afraid to say it, but a couple of times now, I've started to think with the oldest that I am making the right choices for her and as her parents, Hubbins and I aren't doing so bad. We have ourselves a strong, independent and happy girl. We have to be doing something right. 

I knew it was bound to happen

Not in the self-fulfilling prophecy way but in the things are just too good to be true right now way.

I was so afraid of posting my last post.   Things were going well.  Things were going so well... the kids are still doing great. It's Hubbins who is not. I get so mad and frustrated. 

Yesterday, I was out and about trying to get an oil change done on the van and trying to figure out what to get CDQ for her b-day last minute. When I got home, Hubbins and the kids had made lasagna, salad and fresh homemade french bread. As soon as they opened the door I could smell the yumminess. It was so cool. 

I was worried about the lasagna because Hubbins has been having some difficulties eating stuff like that. He gets acid and gas buildup that causes bad spasms and vomiting. But he had taken pepcid AC and bean-o to make sure that he could enjoy dinner.  But I guess that wasn't meant to be. 

He got sick a couple of hours later. His stomach became distended (to the point that his belly button was almost non-existent) from gas and he felt nauseous from the acid reflux.  We did a bowel program on him last night around midnight hoping that would alleviate it.  It worked for a little while. 

This morning he woke up (funny because we didn't get to try and sleep until just before 7 and we had to get up at 8) with a slight sour stomach but it was getting better.  That is until he drank some gatorade to make sure he stayed hydrated. Then came the stomach distention and acid reflux. 

It just sucks! All because of lasagna. I'm so mad and worried and angry. It's not fair. I know I sound like a whiny brat but it's just not fair and is so wrong! I'm stressing here because we are going to try to run another bowel program to make sure he doesn't get impacted or isn't impacted even though I don't even know how that would be possible but we have to be sure.  I'm exhausted and scared and I don't know whether to tell myself I am making a big thing out of nothing or to continue to be out of my mind. We had our first cookie booth today and it's all just overwhelming. I hate this. 

I also hate that, in addition to regular stress for these type of occurrences, I have to stress out about something happening to him and having to face his family. I wish that his family were a support for us but I guess Hubbins knows his family best and has his reasons for what he does and I kinda understand from some of the things that he has shared with me. But it's all so much for one person.  All we are trying to do is live life and help others. I am so proud of my girl scouts and I am going to miss them so much. But that's for another post. 

I guess he needs his gallbladder out, although when they ran x-rays they didn't see anything that showed he had a problem.

  

I also guess for now, I will just put on my mask of strength and crack jokes to try and make him smile because he is in pain. Please send good thoughts that this will pass (is that inappropriate? or the fact that I am pointing it out inappropriate? lol *rolling eyes*) and Hubbins will be back to good health tomorrow with the knowledge that he will never eat lasagna again. Amen.