Putting it in black and white

I've updated my profile to reflect the changes in our life. Not much different but still different. I decided to really put it out there.

My kids, all five of them have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) , Borderline Personality Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

That's all they've told us for right now. Honestly, we were lucky enough that through this blog a post was left about RAD and I took information in hand to the therapist and they were diagnosed from there. Before that there was truly complete chaos. Not to say that there still isn't.

Many of the symptoms overlap. But I couldn't say that I thought any of these were a wrong diagnosis. They have different levels of each. I've tried everything I can think of but it seems everything conflicts and some things make it worse.

Other times, it works and people, adults, therapists, teachers, those people who have no clue... they frown down on me. They look at me closely and they criticize and judge. They question "How did you come out relatively normal from your own childhood situation?" ," How did you rise above all of that?" Like they think I have some contribution to the children's traumas because after all if my life was crap I've got to pass it on to future generations, right?

I don't tell them what they want to hear. The truth is, I haven't risen above. I deal with it everyday. I think I am an adult with RAD. I can understand their feelings to an extent when they let me in to see it. But still I don't let them in. It's too much. I don't let myself in. I've "risen above" by living in denial and pushing forward and pressing on. I don't deal with my own abuse. I can't deal. I've got Hubs abuse and all five of the kids abuses that I deal with. There's no room for me or mine and I don't want to deal with them anyway. It's the past. I can't change it. I'm still me and I'm still ok and I will be ok.

Most of my stuff is locked tight in a place I can't find, nor do I look for. Sometimes, the kids remind me and I flashback but it's ok. I didn't fail. I'm still a good person. I didn't let those things become a crutch for me. God makes things happen for a reason. I can see the reason is because I needed to be in touch as much as I could with the kids. I needed to be able to share my knowledge to help end the cycle. I can deal with that.

I'm human and I'm a new mom despite how old the children are and I'm going to make mistakes. Tons of them. But they will still never compare to the mistakes my half sister made with these children. I am not her and I refuse to pay for her. We don't even speak. She's everything I am not. My whole family is everything I am not. How?

I've lived alone and raised myself. I did what I thought was right for me and I lived with a mask for all people. There was this poem that described me so perfectly, I loved it and it was the answer. I knew when I was 18 I could be me and until then I crept quietly and led a nonexistence. I made sure no one would notice me so they couldn't get rid of me. I never asked for anything. Never rocked the boat. I had my dreams and my knowledge that I could do whatever I set my mind to. That's all I needed. Just me.

That's the answer. That's all there is to it. I wish people would stop looking for something more, stop questioning my kids and just stop completely.

There are five of them. Not by my choosing. Remember I did not do this. I took this on to keep my family together. These kids are the only family I have. I'm trying my best. I can't be with each of them every second of the day. I don't know why they steal toilet paper or why they lie about whether they blinked their eyes or not. I don't know why they do the things they do. I can't tell you what they are going to do either.

What I can tell you is that I am doing the best I can.