Yard Clean Up and Movie Night

So today the four younger kiddos and I got out and set to work on our yard. It was a mess from winter and from me not really being able to do that kind of stuff in a while.  (The pills are still working. I had some inflammation in my knuckle that was driving me up the wall today but it subsided about half way through the day and it's only a dull pain now.)  I cleared out all the wind blown dust from the tree rings while the kids pulled weeds and picked up trash.  Then I laid down weed fabric over some of the tree rings that were ready and half of our flower bed. 

The kids did well.  I snuck inside and told Hubs that I thought we should order pizza for dinner and have a movie night afterward. He agreed. We didn't tell the kids anything. Hubs ordered the pizza off the net (so they had no clue since they couldn't hear him calling anything in) and I pretended like I was going back outside to water the plants but I took off and picked up the pizzas. While I was gone the oldest gathered plates and everything we needed but made it sound like she was working on cleaning up some things in the kitchen.  So we finally all got to sit down as an entire family and watched Bolt (which I love and bought the week it came out after renting it from Redbox). They loved it too! BE AWESOME!!! 

While we were out, we did a little unschooling on Earth day and the environment and why trees are important. Do you know what other use Fruit trees have? According to the boy, they are for poor people so they won't go hungry. Hmmmm....

It was a nice break.  We talked about trust and responsibility as well. The lines are still blurry to them. They don't understand that these things are constant and not something they decide to try for or do when they want something. 

I'm still secretly planning a little Gotcha Day celebration. Our day was the 16th of April and we did nothing.  They were already having trouble so we treated it like any other day. Do you know how hard it is to get anything by 4 rad kids and a teenager?   

OMG. I just realized...I have a teenager. Wow. 

Oh... and about my post about the 9 year old and the 10 year old. They already know all about periods and what to expect and what they will need to do (I should just buy stock now in feminine products).  Even the 8 year old knows what to do on the surface, we haven't detailed anything with her yet.  Hubbins and I made it perfectly clear that Flo is a bitch natural thing that will happen to all of them. Then we clarified for the boy--except him.  That was a conversation and interesting facial expressions-- the boy's not ours. lol  Bottomline, we don't make a big deal out of it here. It's just part of growing up. 

I just wish the 9 year old wasn't in such a hurry. 

Doing the happy dance...

So my neighbors across the street, wannabe gang bangers-possible child abusers.  I think they are moving. 

I watched them pack up a bunch of crap and haul it today.  They also moved stuff (an rv) that hasn't been moved in years and they had a tv that they threw out a couple of days ago spray painted with a big FU on the front. 

I noticed the FU came up after the police drove by. I know they think I am the cause of their hardship but if only they knew *everything* they suspect me for I had nothing to do with at all. There's been this strange car driving by for months and stopping and taking pictures of their house and property.  

If the FU is for me (because it's totally facing my house), I say "thank you and proceed to move the hell out. "  

I don't know if they were foreclosed, it's suspiciously close to the whole social workers visiting thing. I hope the social workers don't drop the ball. This little girl is so smart and the boy just needs to be re-taught.  They are still young enough. 

If they move, Hubbins and I will proceed with renovating this house.  After the gunshots from there, well...we weren't sure we wanted to put anymore money into this house.  

I shouldn't get too excited.  It's still up in the air. 

A story about a period, boobies and Mr.PP Pants

So, just to update you on the situation with A...she took the book but not the pads. The next day she had already read the entire book and told the oldest she liked it and it helped answer some questions about various things she had.  The oldest made A take 4 pads with her and she wasn't so begrudging about it.  A was also spending the night at a friends house this weekend (I suspect another child informed their mother as well, hence the invite).  So, now it's all up to A on when to tell her mom. 

In the meantime... I've been preparing for my ten year old to come to me with the news that she has started. I bought her undershirts to wear, not because she needs them but just because she is ten.  

Then came the slap in the face while I was helping the 9 year old with her hair in the shower.  SHE'S already showing and if I am honest with myself will need a bra in the next couple of months.  Shit.   This is the masturbater, the one that I suspect may have touched her siblings inappropriately prior to the cameras (not just biting and hitting if you know what I mean?).  *sigh* 

I was ready for the ten year old...but not the 9 year old. Shit. Did I say that already? 

The other thing is the 9 year old can't help rubbing things in the 10 year old's face that she does better, math, reading, playing...breathing... now this?

I can't even bear the thought of that one starting her period. She's already a witch with a B.  Seriously.  So serious, I've looked up boarding schools.  This is the one with the worst rage issues.  Pfft.  My neck hurts. 

Changing the subject.  Up until today the boy decided he forgot how to use the bathroom.  I'm dying here because I took the sheets and comforter that he peed on to wash and noticed his mattress ( a baby crib mattress) has a hole in it and where that hole is there is a rusted spring. 

Call me neglectful or whatever and I'll invite you to come and check it yourself  but I have a baaaaaaaaad feeling he's been sticking his thingy in there and peeing instead of going to the bathroom.  I know I  need to put on my big girl panties and check it and be sure that's not what's been going on but I also know if it is what is going on, I am going to retch.  That show in front of the kids will not be good.   Is it wrong to have one of the other kids who would be totally excited and more than happy to do it, check it for me?  Really? Are you sure? 

Damn. 

Insomnia Sucks!!!

That is all.

This, that and the other...

My bedroom window faces the front of our property that leads out to the street. The day before yesterday, I sat down to check my mail and I noticed there was a police suv parked right out front. On further inspection, I noticed there was another one parked across the street and then my heart fell. 

I saw two social workers, don't ask me how I knew they were social workers. I just did.  I did a double take because they were questioning the kids from across the street. The kids that I mentioned in my previous post. The ones that should have been in school.  My heart fell because I thought I was witnessing them being taken away from the family.  

I watched silently as the social workers sent the kids back into the house and as they followed them.  I did some laundry and when I came back, I watched the social workers leave without the children and I watched what appeared to be two officers. One was watching the social workers drive off and the other was shaking his head. I may be reading too much into it but it seemed like disbelief. 

Hours later, I was again sitting in front of my computer and I noticed that a car had driven up. There were kids yelling  and lots of noise which caught my attention . It appears that they packed up the children's clothes and the children and sent them on their way.  I hope it's not what it appears to be. That's how my sister was able to dodge CP+S. By moving out of the county. I don't think there should be differences. Something like child abuse and neglect reports should be universal to all states, counties, etc...

I hope those kids will be ok. But I can't help believing that children have to die in order for them to become a priority and even then it's no guarantee. After all Cindy's dead and it made no difference. 

Second thing, Yesterday was my first day without any pain whatsoever. I consider days where I just have a dull over all aching pain good days.  But yesterday, I stopped and stood in place because something just seemed soooo wrong.  That's how long I've been in constant pain.  When I realized that I had no pain and that's what was different. I cried. 

I don't know if it was the Co Q-10 that helped. I'm not sure since I had only started taking it the day before.  Today will be my third day taking it. I think I might need to take it in the mornings and not at night because last night, I was so ready for bed and I took the pill and the next thing I knew I was up until 4 am again but this time talking myself out of getting up and doing a million things that would have surely woken up everyone in the house. Instead, I was on pins and needles watching last seasons episodes of The Amazing Race. lol 

The other thing, I was so famished. I ate a bowl of cereal like around 3 am. I'm paying for it now because I am allergic to milk and I *knew* I shouldn't have ate it, but damn it.  I was hungry and it was what I *wanted*.  Crazy huh? 

Lastly, As far as the girl A goes. She still hasn't told her parents. I found out that since she told the oldest, she has told other girls about her situation. I figure she is trying to reach out and have someone else tell for her. 

I took Torina's suggestion and yesterday the oldest and I  went to the store and bought her a package of pads. I wrote A a letter telling her not to be mad at the oldest. I suggested she find an adult she trusted and let them know and I also let her know that I wasn't going to tell anyone or any adults her situation because I felt it was her decision, so she didn't need to worry. 

I discussed with the oldest about how I have a policy. When people are about to tell me a secret, I've always said I will not keep a secret that is hurtful, illegal or dangerous, etc... I explained to the oldest what I wanted to do and I put it to her this way. If something were to happen to her friend and she knew something that could have prevented it and kept it to herself, what kind of friend was she truly being? Plus, if A gets mad at her and decides not to be her friend over this and something happens to her, she tried to help her and it was A's decision in the end. 

So the oldest agreed to let me write a note to A to send with the pads. I also sent our copy of the American Girl Taking Care of You book.  After talking further with the oldest about A, I found out that A doesn't have very many friends and she is made fun of because she stinks.  I figured it would be a safe way for her to get the information she needs without stepping over any lines. There is nothing in the book about sex or contraceptives. It's all about taking care of oneself.  Armpits, teeth, skin, hair, periods, pms, it's all covered with illustrations. 

I wished the oldest luck today when I dropped her off at school and reassured her that she had nothing to be stressed about and that she was doing the right thing. I just hope this doesn't come back to bite us.

What would you do?

Last night, the oldest approached me because she was worried about her friend.

Her friend A came to her crying because she had bled through her pants at school. One might say "poor girl, that sucks!" but the story went on. This girl, A, has had her period since last November and hasn't told anyone, not even her mother. She's too afraid to.

This boggled my mind. My first reaction was to tell my oldest that she should reassure her it's ok and that her mom won't be mad at her. I mean what Mom would be? Then I heard Hubbins say "Carrie" from the game room. I've never seen the movie but I've heard she had a freaky mom or something.

Then I had this flashback to my step-sister. When she started her period, her mom threw a party for her and invited her friends from school. Girls and BOYS. There was cake and everything. (I'm not kidding). Can you imagine? I think that's part of why she's so messed up.

They tried to get A to go to the school nurse but she wouldn't do that either. I told the oldest that I would talk to her about telling her mom if she wanted me to or even tell her Mom for her (but I doubted that would go over well), but I didn't think I should talk to her about the entire period thing unless her mom really wasn't available to her. But the oldest is afraid that if A finds out she told, she won't trust her or be her friend anymore. I told the oldest that her friend really needs to get some help because there are things she needs to know to take care of herself because she can get sick and die.

Anyhow, The Oldest told me that A suspects the teacher knows that she's started. I thought perfect! I'll go explain the situation to the teacher and since A already thinks the teacher is suspicious, she won't know that the oldest told anyone. Win-Win! Right?

Well, I went in this morning to tell the teacher and this is what the teacher said:

"Not my problem."

Yeah. Did you read it again? Because I know I did a double take. I mean, I'm not asking her to explain how the eggs drop or what ever you know. Day in and day out they drill my kid about abortion blah, blah, blah but they can't do a simple thing like speak to a child and let her know they are aware and are going to tell her parents or EVEN do something as simple as send her to the school nurse who will inform her of what she needs to be safe?

Just as a woman, can you imagine how confused, scared and frustrated this girl is? She's 12 years old. She needs some help.

For my kids, I bought the American Girl book of how to take care of yourself and it covers periods. Also, I am very blessed that Hubbins takes care of all that kind of stuff in a very scientific sort of way. LOL! He's not shy about talking about the reproductive system and where babies come from and all that and he talks to the kids in a matter of fact way because he's not embarrassed by it at all. All our kids have been sexually abused and they have seen their parents having sex and masturbating and they have been exposed to tons of movies with sex in it so it's not like anyone is jumping ahead of anything in this house. It's more like trying to repair and inform them. It's sad but I think it would be even more damaging to ignore it and let them carry all those misconceptions of what they have seen in life.

I don't know what I am going to do about A. I offered to photocopy the parts of the book that talk about periods. But the oldest thinks A would throw it away because her mom might find it. I might just photocopy it anyway. I thought about just giving the whole book to the girl through the oldest but if she's afraid of the photocopies and is just going to throw it away, I'd rather keep it for my other two girls who haven't read it.

I told my Mom when I started. I didn't even think not to. I remember she told my step-father she needed to go buy some "tamales". I was like tamales? and apparently he was too because he was asking her and all she kept doing was repeating the word, until he got it. LOL!

If this had happened at public school, I don't know if I would be so apprehensive about helping the girl. But because it's a catholic school and some parents are overprotective and the girl is obviously afraid. I'm scratching my head here trying to figure out the best approach so that A gets help, nobody's toes are stepped on and the oldest doesn't lose A as a friend.

What to do...what to do???

The Past

Some of you can't imagine what has happened to your kids. Neither can I.  You don't know the monsters who did this to them. Why they did this or how.

I don't know why or how but I know who.  Their mother is my sister.  My own mother screwed them up as well as my other two sisters. Their grandfather and cousins screwed them over and so did their father. 

The kids have been taught to hate me and lie to me because that's what everyone else did. They all lied and they all have their guilt and now they are trying to come back to me and expect me to make it all better for them.  

You see... from 1996 until 2005, I called CPS and I was ignored.  Don't anyone try to tell me it is an isolated event or they slipped through the cracks because even here, in a different state. I reported what a child told me about her brothers "doing the job" to her and seeing her little brother eat food from the street DIRECTLY to a social worker. My kids social worker.  This was before the gun shots and the gang activity over there. 

If I understand correctly she is then mandated to file a report by law because she falls under that category.  Instead, she told me to call an intake number.  Sure... the same one that ignored me about all my nieces and my nephews.  Even my step ones? 

I am so naive. I honestly thought my sisters didn't know and my mom was in denial. But they all knew and they were all part of the plot to keep their wrongdoing away from me.  I've talked to them since and they tell me things now. When it's too little, too late.        

"We used to find the kids eating out of trash cans", "we think their father sold them out for drugs"," they used to lock them in the bathroom so they could do their business" and on and on. 

I get so mad. They fucking knew, all of them, all along and they kept me in the dark because they knew I would tell.  I'm the goody, goody.  The stuck up one who thinks she's too good, the stick in the mud. 

Now they want to see the kids. Never. Well, I know I can't say never. The kids will turn 18 and they will look for them. I already know it.  There's nothing I can do. I can't save them. 

My youngest sister...she's trying to turn things around. She's been diagnosed bipolar. I can see parts of her from when she was a kid, before the rape. But I can't trust her.  She messages me pictures of her cat. She even sent me a birthday card.  She has a lot of guilt. She told my mom things that she saw but deep down, she knew my mom would do nothing and that's where her guilt lies.  

She wants to see the kids, but I can't allow that.  I can't let her use the kids to make herself feel better.  Just like I can't let her use me for the same. 

I have so much to teach these kids about their family. No, not brainwashing. But telling them the things to be aware of. Never lend money. Never feel guilty for saying No. Don't let them pressure you. Don't let them hurt you or manipulate you. Basically keep them at a distance like I have. It's the only way and even then it still hurts and it's still very hard. Because no matter how fucked up or shitty they are, you still love them and that's ok.  But in my family, love isn't unconditional...there are all kinds of strings attached. 

I know my kids have been through a lot. I've been through a lot myself and even then nothing like what they have been through. 

Here in front of me, on my desk is a small pair of pink socks. Newborn I would say. They belonged to Bela, My Squishy... the one I couldn't save. I remember her so vividly. Brand new and already she was raw and bleeding down there from a severe diaper rash.  2 weeks old and already screaming and hollering in pain because she was left in December on a curb in her car seat in a wet diaper while her mother chased down her father. 

I took her from her mother and I put A & D on her rash. It calmed her instantly and I wrapped her tightly in her blanket.  I lay her down next to Hubbins and he just rubbed his face against hers as she lay there next to him staring at the ceiling and every where else in the room. I like to think she felt loved, at least that once.  She felt cared for and loved. 

The socks aren't the only reminder. Sure I have her picture, but for some reason, it just isn't the same. It's like that baby isn't her. I have a brand new crib, still in the box in the closet. I called my mom and told her to send me the kids that weren't in school. Hubbins and I weren't doing anything (Hubbins was recovering from surgery and I hadn't started my business yet) and we had a crib, etc... but she said no because their mother wouldn't like it.  I know it probably would have just prolonged the inevitable.  But still. 

Recently, I was having a conversation with a woman I know. Yes she has more years on me and a daughter in college already but she also has two little ones younger than my youngest.  We were talking about private and public school. She wants to homeschool her kids but can't commit to it. So she's trying to talk me out of homeschooling mine. She even offered me her address so I could enroll the kids in a different school by her because it's "better". 

Why she tries to control me, I don't know. Then she started giving me advice on how to raise the kids. I tried to explain that my kids were special needs and then I gave up and let her just talk to hear herself.  She tried to tell me that her husband's side of the family would shock me but I honestly think I have her beat.  But I just let her talk.  No clue.  She's seen my kids and of course they are charming and polite and whatever. She doesn't know them and you know how they put appearances on. 

I'm going through this for a reason. I just need to figure it out.  If I hurt so much, I know my kids must be suffering. But I don't know how to take it away for myself, much less how to help them. So many fears.  So many mistakes. 

Maybe I am not any better than where they've come from. 

Taking a time out...

Today has sucked ass. Sorry. There's no other way to say it. 

I have tried and tried and was successful in overcoming the lack of sleep and was doing pretty well if I do say so myself. 

I was outside trying to get the trees ready for the summer by laying down some of that weed fabric. I went to throw away the outer wrapping from the weed fabric when I noticed that the trash I had just collected out of my room the day before was full blown out of the bag and flying everywhere. 

I was confused at first because I tie those bags super tight. I mean waay tight and I'll explain in a minute. 

I've been cleaning out my room which kinda became a place to put things so the kids wouldn't steal it. I came across some old candy I had bought for a purpose and must have forgotten about (Don't worry, I don't buy things like that anymore- you know, those things where I hope the kids will change over night and we will be able to do something fun without a fight.) Anyhow, I had thrown that away and some other broken things and paperwork. 

Anyhow, when I went to throw out the trash, these candy wrappers were everywhere. This is old candy which is why it is in the trash to begin with. The only one who goes outside is SS.  She throws out the trash and takes care of the dogs and I kid you not it takes her 3 hours. 

I never caught her though. I go out there and check and I've never caught her. 

Well, she's going through the trash bags and eating the trash out of it.  She's also hoarding trash on the side of the house under a broken lawn mower that I don't know how to get rid of. 

That, in itself, is gross. But what's worse is that I tend to throw any food items in with Hubbins bowel program stuff because I figured it wouldn't tempt them. 

Yes... she ate from a bag that had feces and a urine bag in it. 

She. ate. from. it.

That's why I'm in time out.  Because I am about to lose it. 

They get breakfast in the morning.  They get lunch and they have a snack. Dinner... I NEED to take a picture of what they are eating. We had salad, spaghetti and french bread for dinner last night.  The meatballs are huge! Hubbins made it and I told him each meatball was like eating a full hamburger patty and he replied "actually, it's more like two hamburger patties."

This has to be a control issue and not a food issue. 

Right now, at this very moment...I just can't deal. 

It's 6:30 am

and here I sit after trying to sleep with no success. I stared at the ceiling for hours for no apparent reason.  I just couldn't sleep. 

Normally, I only have to endure this torture until 4 am/ 4:30 at the latest. But for some reason, sleep didn't come last night. I wasn't in pain. I hadn't fallen asleep before bed.  

What gives? 

I'm exhausted. I don't do caffeine. I didn't eat any sugar or sweets I guess I should say. 

I did catch the oldest stealing. She hasn't been taking a proper lunch. There is sandwich stuff ( turkey breast, ham, pb) and there are fruits (apples -3 varieties, bananas and oranges) and there used to be fruit snacks, little bags of chips and juices until I found out I was supplying them for half the 6th grade. But what do I find? Hubbins special Goldfish crackers ( a splurge for him), a marshmallow bunny wrapper and 4 jolly rancher wrappers in her lunch box. 

Color me pissed. 

I've noticed the school's concern for the oldest's lunch in comments she had made but I thought they were talking about the fact that I stopped the Capri Sun's and just sent a water bottle that she refuses to take with her.  And I also eliminated the fruit snacks because hello, 5 kids is enough for me to buy for, I don't need to supply her friends with fruit snacks and whatever other random kid she's trying to buy attention from at the moment, you know?

She insists she got the stuff from her friends. But c'mon... I know what the "easter bunny" brought her.  I also just refilled my jolly ranchers and wondered where the hell they went because Hubbins can't get one for himself so he has to ask me for them. They are also located in my bedroom which is off limits to everyone. I get especially pissed when they take Hubbins snacks because he is on a restricted diet and those little things are treats for him. 

Boy oh boy are things going to change in this house when the oldest finishes school and I start homeschooling.  She has been getting away with so much, just wait until she's on a schedule just like the others. She's going to wish she had just done the easy things that were asked of her.  I keep telling them, if I can't trust them now over nothing, there's no way I am going to trust them later with important things. 

I don't know about you guys, but some days for me...it's just getting them to 18 without kids of their own and in one piece.  

I hate the f'ing c#$%  of their "mother".  I don't know why she still breathes.  I've always said my mom aborted the wrong one.  Now who's paying for it??? 

Which reminds me, day before yesterday at the dinner table... Hubbins catches Poufy doing something and corrects her. I don't even know what it was but Poufy is giving me looks with her eyes like she wants to kill me...WTF???  I'm oblivious to what she got in trouble for because I'm helping the boy with his ABC's, yet I get the death glares? 

Sometimes, I want to tell them to save it for when they meet up with their mother and give that crap to her. She earned it. 

I'm tired. There are too many of them and I don't think any of them will become productive in anything other than creating more children that will be abused and neglected. That haunts me. Maybe that's why I can't get any sleep. 

The electrician who took us for a ride and charged us for it

So, in this post I told you the stupid thing that Hubbins and I had done. 

We called out THE GUY that we trusted to come and do the job, but unfortunately he wasn't licensed for what we needed, so he recommended another guy who wasn't able to work in our city at the moment and who then recommended another guy that said he couldn't come out as far as we live without having to charge us an amount he didn't feel comfortable with. 

Fine. The job was to add a 220 breaker to our existing panel or to add an additional subpanel.  

So, I did a search in google and the first guy I called came out and gave us an estimate. Maybe I should have known better, maybe I was just tired. Maybe, I just didn't care anymore. 

But we were told by the other three techs to expect about $100 to add to the existing panel and any where around $600 for a new pull if a breaker couldn't be added. Um, ok. 

So the guy shows up, first thing he does is complain about the smell of the cats. Well, sorry, they live in the laundry room and I can't exactly control when they have to go potty. I had sprayed the room before he came because you know Murphy's law says your stinkiest cat will take a major dump right before a technician is scheduled to come.  Again, I apologized for the cats.  But what sticks in my head is "We can talk about this, yes?"  Um...what? That one of my cats took a shit in their litter box?  

What exactly do you want to talk about? The litter box is domed and has a door on it for crying out loud.  I used to have an electric one but when I went to replace it, I was not happy with the newer version. Anyhow. 

The next thing that should have been a red flag was the text book he brought and the calculations he took a half hour to do just to tell us he would have to get back to us later. 

I could go on and on but I look dumber if I keep going. Let's just say he gave us an estimate for $655 to install the breaker and the 220 plug within 3 ft of each other. 

When I saw it.  I was like hell no. There was a $1oo charge for going into a "Confind" space. $15 for gloves, etc... (wtf? he doesn't own that stuff already? Do I get to keep the gloves?) But Hubbins had told me he had already agreed to the guy coming out and scheduled it. Which btw, wth was this Hubbins who was ready and roaring and scheduling crap when he was supposed to have been calling THE GUY for over a month? 

So I figured let's just get this crap over with. The more I thought about it, the more it didn't feel right.  I mean, this didn't even include the cost of the inspection or permit. 

How did it go from $100 to $655? 

But wait, it gets better.  The quote was for 5 hours of work. The electrician was supposed to be here by 10. He calls us from the permit place at 11 for information on the house.  He doesn't physically show up until 1 pm.  When he gets here he tells us he forgot about the propane pipe and will need to cut it and cap it. That's $65 more and must be done because it is part of code. Fine! Whatever, I mean looks like he's not going to use all 5 hours anyway. 

Come 3 o'clock, he's done. You would think that is 3 hours of work right? Uh huh. Apparently, we paid for 10-3 his drive to the permit office, whenever that started... lunch probably,etc...  

The grand total was $827 and change.  I just got paid $833 that day for two weeks of work...100 hours (I know, I don't make squat) and just like that it was gone.  Tax, BS, BS, and BS later...I had $5 left. The money we had saved on the range was now gone and then some. 

Boy did I get F$%^#$. 

I guess the work is ok. I mean no one can get ahold of the inspector to come and check it. 

Whatever. 

Mood Swings anyone?

So Easter may have been a wash but yesterday was pretty damn cool if I do say so myself.  I was sad about being dumb and missing out on stuff with the kids but yesterday, I was ready and we did the Easter Egg Hunt.... of course...3 eggs are missing. I don't know about you, but we are always missing eggs every year. lol

We got stuff done!  The yard was a mess. Because I had to move dressers into closets we lost closet space that was for storage which meant when I emptied out our storage after we figured out we weren't moving a lot of stuff had no place to go inside. But now with my new method of storing the kids clothes and using the dressers that are still functional for our clothes.  Room was made and stuff was cleaned and put away outside. 

We also removed all the bricks from around the roses and trees.  We haven't put them back yet because we ran out of time but they are ready to dig the dirt out and re-set. See I live in the desert where the wind blows dirt freely and continuously.  So it has built up in the rings of the trees and roses. We have to get them dug out, plus this year we are adding a drip system.  I'm also going to have the kids help me plant some flower seeds. It's going to be a homeschool project.  I have a book on the environment I've been dying to incorporate so we will work on that. 

The weather has been really weird. Sunny one day, crappy the rest. I think it's contributing to my pain.  Sucks, but what can I do? That reminds me. I don't mind any suggestions or ideas for what other people take for the pain.  I need to be functional and I think the lack of being able to do things on some days is also messing with my head.   I've started taking iron for my anemia (which from what I read can be caused by RA too) so my stomach has been in turmoil. Bah. 

I should be getting health insurance within the next month now that I know my agency lied to  misinformed me about health insurance, but that is a post for another day. 

Surviving Easter

I don't know what my problem was yesterday. Maybe it was the overcast day. Maybe it was my sore joints and throbbing fingers and elbows, or maybe it was just exhaustion. But I just couldn't get into the holiday mood. 

I spent the entire day sleeping on and off. Trying not to move.  Hubbins and the kids cooked dinner. The dinner I planned. They dyed eggs with the egg dyes I carefully selected.  See, I had a plan. I was ready. 146 filled eggs for the hunt.  Lemon cupcakes and a strawberry cake were baked but left unfrosted and undecorated. 

I just couldn't... I couldn't even be mad or sad or anything. 

The night before we were able to make our Jesus cookies and I was able to participate with the opening of the tomb and the hollowed empty cookies in the morning but after that. I just couldn't. 

As the day progressed to night and I forced myself out there for dinner and then the opening of the baskets. I became a little angry with myself. The kids shared their decorated eggs and I realized I had missed that. Dinner was beyond delicious and I realized I'd missed out on the fun of being in there with everyone.  I just started to feel so sad that I missed it and angry because I had felt like I was just being lazy. 

After the kids went to bed, Hubbins and I came to watch some shows in our room. We both actually feel asleep. He in his chair and I in my bed.  When I woke up, Hubbins was still sleeping. I prepared his bed and wound dressings and waited for him to wake up enough to move to his spot so I could transfer him.   

I realized that most of my pain had diminished to the dull ache and I didn't hurt so bad. I felt like crying because it had been so long since the piercing pain had come and not stopped. 

Hubbins woke up and I thanked him for taking over the day. I felt so lucky and grateful to have someone else to do that for me. I've been thinking a lot about growing up with my mom. She was a single mother of 4 girls and I did as much as I could to help her. It was never enough.  But I know before she gave up and let my stepfather back in. She struggled. She struggled to survive, to provide, to stay sane, through all the pain...emotional and physical and she did it alone.  On some level, I understood. But I was just a kid and did the little that I could. 

Sometimes I am afraid that I am putting too much responsibility on some of the kids and other times I am worrying that I am not putting enough.  But then I know I am putting too much on myself.  I don't want to be like my mother even though I feel more and more like her with each passing day. 

I know despite everything. I am lucky compared to her because I have Hubbins who loves me and takes care of me and the kids the best he can. Even though I am hard to deal with and basically a total bitter bitch.  Even though I might not vocalize it enough or even show it. I know that I am lucky that I have Hubbins in my life. 

Little Angels

So, the video camera system came on the 7th. I was able to install one camera in CDQ and Poufy's room Thursday night. 

Can you just hear my sigh of relief?

I wish we would have done this sooner. 

See, to my mortification, the day that the cameras were in transit to our home, I discovered CDQ was BITING Poufy all over her arms and God knows where else. Poufy never cried or screamed or anything.  CDQ said she did it because she didn't want Poufy to talk.  I never wanted to knock someone's teeth out more (well except their mother's) than I did at that moment.  I don't care if people get mad, but if you could see what she did to Poufy...it's awful.  I don't know why Poufy didn't say anything. 

I am seriously think CDQ is going to have to be institutionalized. I worry she is going to be the serial killer.  Things that she does...scary. 

The other thing I discovered was that Poufy spends her days m@sterbating in front of CDQ. That however doesn't bother CDQ. Go figure. They both traumatize me. 

Well, I got the camera in Friday night and I LOVE them. They are infrared so I can see them in the dark too.  After it was set up, I walked over and looked at them on the screen and they were both laying there quietly. I remarked "Aww, they are like little angels now." and I could see a huge smile spread across Poufy's face and CDQ turned to her side and covered her face but I knew she was smiling huge too. 

This morning rather than the 4 am wake up that we usually get over the monitor, I looked in on them on the screen and they were both fast asleep at almost 9 am!  I'm talking drooling on their pillow sleep. 

At dinner, this was the convo...

CDQ: I like the camera. 

Poufy: ME TOO! 

CDQ: I feel better.

Me: Do you feel safe?

The oldest: Safe?

Poufy: YEAH!

CDQ: I do *shaking head up and down*

The oldest: Why don't they feel safe?

Isn't it crazy how they are scared of each other and torture each other but they don't make the connection that they don't have to be that way towards each other and that they are causing their own situations? Tonight I gave them all sleepy time tea. 

I also was able to install a second camera in the boy and SS's room. I think I will be moving SS out of that room soon.  It's more peaceful with the cameras. The boy doesn't get the concept that we can see what he's doing.  It's funny because I'll yell for him to stop and I see him lift his head and look around confused. LOL!  Then he resumes what he's doing until I tell him in detail to stop.  *shaking my head* 

I have two more cameras to install. One in the oldest's bedroom, where SS will eventually move back into, and one for the hallway. 

I can't tell you how much I love these cameras.  It's only been a day but it was such a dramatic change since they know we are watching. I don't even think it has anything to do with them getting in trouble but it seems to give them peace of mind knowing. 

Oh, the other thing that happened. Hubbins sent CDQ out of the kitchen during tea time for something she had done, I think he had told her to stop messing around because she was going to end up with hot tea coming out of her nose or something.  Anyway, normally, she would have went into the room and pounded her legs with her fists or slammed her head against the wall or both. This time she just sat there biting her nails but it looked like she was thinking. 

My house is so quiet. Everyone is really asleep.  I am happy. 

Next time I will tell you how I was taken by the electrician. I can't believe I handed over my entire paycheck to him. Literally. I have $5 left. My 100 hours of work to his 3 hours...ARGH! 

Don't want to be a whiner...

Guys, don't worry about me. I'll be ok.  I'm just in a rough patch. 

I think I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Hell, who am I kidding. All I need is a Doctor's seal on it.

I've been having extreme joint pain to the point where I can't move. My arms, wrists, elbows, shoulders, ankles, fingers, toes, legs, knees. It's random and it moves and it's on both sides and nothing works. 

I used to take children's chewable tylenol (1 tablet) and be out within 10 minutes. I'm taking two @leves and nuttin'.  It's also  interfering with my sleep because if I do fall asleep and I am in pain, moving my leg or my arm or whatever hurts jolts me awake and then the anxiety kicks in and the next thing I know it's 4 in the morning and I'm still streaming movies or shows off of Netflix. Which I have to add, some of those BBC movies of classic literature that last 6 or more hours are pretty damn good! :-) 

At any rate, I was talking to Hubbin's home health nurse today and I was so exhausted. I told her some of the trouble I've been having and right off the bat she said it sounded like RA. I hadn't even mentioned it to her. But I know in my heart, it's what I have. 

I love to cross-stitch and crochet and I was teaching myself to knit. I like working outside with my roses and flowers. 

I like cake decorating and baking. 

I liked using my elliptical and I think the Wii Fit is fun, even if it makes my Mii so fat she can't put her arms down on her sides and she keeps twisting and turning to try to see her big butt. (Side note... since I got the Wii Fit, I've only been able to use it about a handful of times and have actually lost 5 lbs! My physical trainer on the Wii Fit can't complain either! LOL I LOVE IT!) 

I need my hands and my arms.  I need to be able to move. Taking care of Hubbins is very physically demanding. I transfer him from his bed to chair and back again every day. Even when I am in pain.  I do medical procedures on him that require me to pull and lift and turn him everyday. I do it all in pain and if Flo is visiting like yesterday. I just want to sit and die. 

I'm also predisposed to having joint issues because I am a pill baby and my joints didn't fully develop.  

All this has me down. The nurse recommended I take cinnamon for the pain. She told me if I go to the doctor that they will want to prescribe steroids and then narcotics and that since I am already building up a tolerance for pain meds, those things will no longer work in the long run and I will still have the damage to my bones, joints, muscles, etc... 

She's taking cinnamon for her pain and she said she doesn't have to take anymore pills for it.  So, I have some hope and today I was pretty good as far as the pain went. I'm sort of embarrassed to say it, but I think the weather has something to do with my pain too. When it's cold it hurts so bad. It's not cold in our house but if it's cold outside it hurts me. *blush*

Things could be worse, I'll be ok.  My kid made honor roll. We have a week off for Easter Break. I'm happy. 

Incidentally, I discovered that our CY$FD has a lending library and they are offering attachment courses. I'm excited and scared.  I noticed one of our local social workers follows J's blog and the blog for the local CY@FD people links to Lisa's blog. 

I'm scared because I have been threatened before by the local  CY@FD that if I couldn't do this they would take the kids from me, that was when we asked for services. I don't know what they could do now that the kids are ours. But it scares me. It's not the social worker we had. Our social worker knew nothing about RAD. 

I'm excited though because this social worker must know, or understand some of it if she is reading J's blog. I should hope.  I'm also excited because they have all the books and DVDs I wanted to read and watch. (including yours Lisa).  

It's so funny how I came across their blog. I couldn't even tell you how but it was less than 5 minutes after I had placed an order at @mazon. I think I was doing a search for that Give Me A Break DVD set.  Any how... I'm excited to get my paws on those materials. 

I was also doing some research on sleep aids. Surprisingly, not for me. But for CDQ. I've noted that she's been awake at all hours like myself and she's been especially cranky, rubbing her eyes, etc... I imagine she looks like me if I were to look at myself in the mirror. LOL! 

I bought some sleepy time tea. I was thinking of buying some of that calming baby body wash and having her bathe at night before bed.  That reminds me, I forgot I was going to buy that guided imagery book. 

Anyhow, I'll be ok. Just a rough patch. 

Don'tcha hate it when...

something just comes and pops you right in the face from out of the blue. 

I was just reading a post where the writer was talking about struggling with anxiety and insomnia and like a swift punch in the stomach, the air went from me and my eyes widened. I said it out loud...anxiety. 

That is so totally my problem. It is the word that I couldn't find yesterday. I've had panic attacks in the past and even hives due to anxiety but it was never really put into words.  I haven't had panic attacks or hives recently so I didn't put it together. But anxiety is definitely what I have. 

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do...

Dinah- I was very strong in my faith in God. I had my issues with the church and organized religion but I had my conversation with God and after 33 years of blindly following him and begging him for help or mercy or something. I am angry.  I know God only gives you as much as you can handle but I have told God something has to give because I am going to break and it's like he said "sorry kid, you're it, so deal with it.".  I've had it. I've never had a life. I'm always cleaning up after people and dealing with their mistakes. 

Sometimes, I really think I am going to lose it. I think I will snap and they will commit me.   It scares me because what will Hubbins and the kids do? They have no one but me. 

Sometimes, I wish that I would just break already. If I would just snap, I would get a break.  Crazy huh?

Kether- I would totally trust you with Hubbins and the kids.  I was hoping to meet some people too, but unfortunately, I just met people who were interested in using me some more.  Not all, but that's the jist of it. So it's just us again. You know what's funny? Remember my other blog? Diary of a Freak Magnet... well apparently when I deleted it on wordpress it didn't go away. I think they might've crashed over there and restored and that blog is now back, anyhow, someone had left comment on a post about me and my worries about hiring someone else to take care of Hubbins. I still feel the same way...it was surreal, it also felt like a warning because we were starting to look into hiring someone for a couple of hours a week.  Oh well...

OH, and I haven't finished reading the book yet, so please don't say too much anyone. lol  I didn't even know there was a movie! As I've been reading it, I was thinking it might be a good movie. 

Lisa- I was thinking about tapping after I visited the link that you posted on your blog.  I'm thinking it might help because I know when I was teaching the kids to do it, I was doing it in front of them and then with them and it seemed to help. So we might start that again. 

Torina- I might have to look into that, but and I mean no offense. I have had the philosophy of just "$%^& It" because I feel that I am trapped and can't change a damn thing so why stress over it, right?  but my mind and my body won't let me let it go. I've become enraged with myself because I know it's irrational.  (there's that damn little voice chirping-- I think?) I feel like I have no control because I can't stop my mind from thinking these things. I can't seem to turn it off anymore.

I have physical issues now as well. I don't really feel like going into it right now. But I'm sure it's a contributing factor to my own personal mindfuck at the moment. 

I know things have to change.  I know I'm the only one who can make that happen.  But for now I'm just trying to hold on until I wrap up some loose ends around here. 

I 

want

my 

life.

The words to express it...

I should be reading some attachment book or other, but instead I am reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter. 

When I read these words: 

"I couldn't live like you do," Norah said. Since Paul was born, since Phoebe had died, she'd felt the need to keep a constant vigil, as if a second's inattention would open the door for disaster. "I just couldn't do it- break all the rules. Blow everything up." 

"The world doesn't end," Bree said quietly. "Amazing but it really doesn't."

Norah shook her head. "It could. At any given moment, anything could happen."

"I know," Bree told her. "Honey, I know." Norah's earlier irritation was washed away by a sudden rush of gratitude. Bree would always listen and respond, would not demand anything less but the truth of her experience. "You're right Norah, anything can happen, any time. But what goes wrong is not your fault. You can't spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around to try and avert disaster. It won't work. You'll just end up missing the life you have. " 

It just cemented the fact that I am missing out on life.  But even so, even if I could get a grip, what life of mine is left? 

I'm so messed up, I can't sleep until Hubbins is asleep and has been asleep for awhile. Which means I am fighting for sleep until 3 am almost every night.  I wake up a few hours later exhausted but the oldest needs to go to school.  I know in my heart whatever will happen is going to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it or change it. I know it's irrational thinking. 

But I'm so afraid something will happen to him, he will end up in the hospital where he can't be alone, yet I have no one to call on to watch the kids anymore. So many times I feel the stress will kill me.  Right now my left wrist and my right shoulder are in such pain. I have taken two aleves and nothing. In fact, I had taken the aleve for my shoulder and since then my wrist decided to join the party. 

I'm tired of living in fear and in pain.  When I try to change it up, I'll fall asleep before Hubbins, it ALWAYS ends badly, I end up being up with him ALL night because he is sick.  I feel like I've tried so hard and it's never good enough. I feel like I have so many regrets and have made so many mistakes with my life and with who I let into it forever and now it's over. 

Growing like weeds

So even though I feel like it was just the other day that we went through ALL the kids clothes and had them try it all on and pass it down or give it away, it was time to do it again.

This time was a little different.

I had bought the kids all dressers for their clothes and then 4 out of 5 of them (coincidentally, the 4 that got the brand new dressers) promptly broke them. They were Sauder brand and they come with a 5 year warranty that allows for replacement parts no matter if the mistake was theirs or yours. I've utilized the warranty three times already.

Then, I had to remove the dressers from the rooms because they were the perfect place to hide stolen items and items that had been peed or poo'd on, not to mention they seemed to be the perfect jumping off of item or let's carve swirls into item for a certain boy. So I moved all the dressers to the walk in closet in the oldest's room.

That was difficult. I had about seven dressers in that poor closet. I also wanted my storage space back and realized that Hubbins and I needed dressers ourselves but hadn't purchased any because we were waiting for ones we both liked and then Hello....instant family and all the careful plans were thrown out the window.

So I thought I would implement a see through tote plan. I bought each of the kids a tote and went to label them only to find they had broken my label maker. Words were said.

I ended up marking them with markers after trying unsuccessfully to save a brand new roll of label tape for almost 2 hours. That stuff is expensive! By this time it was 10 am. I know seems like it would have been later.

Anyhow, so we go through all the kids clothes. The oldest is wearing MY clothes from when they first moved here. SS is wearing the oldest's clothes already and SS's clothes skipped right past CDQ and went to Poufy. *phew*

They have grown so tall and at a ridiculous rate. The oldest and SS seem to have grown throughout if that makes sense. But the boy, Poufy and CDQ have shot up so fast they look like sticks. I know they aren't starving. I keep telling myself I need to take a picture of a serving in my house and ask you all how much your kids eat, because mine...mine seem to eat like teenage boys already.

I now have four tubs that are slightly stuffed and include both winter and summer clothes. *scratching head* I think these totes are only 30 gallon or something. I wondered what the hell happened to all their clothes. I mean 7 dressers not including the oldest's clothes, 4 of which are at least 5 drawers. Then I saw the giveaway pile. Whoa. There are going to be several bags to giveaway. I have to go through it and see what my nephew could use but I just can't believe how fast they went through everything. We threw a lot of clothes away with holes too!

The other thing I forgot to mention, the new totes also have new clothes that I pulled out of my other tote where I buy bigger clothes and shoes that are on sale or clearance ahead of time. I was worried I was buying too much "extra" stuff but now I am worried I am not buying enough.

I'm also at a loss of whether to buy the kids more new clothes. If they didn't spend their time digging holes into their clothes, I wouldn't mind it in the least, because who doesn't want their kids to look cute? But when they dig holes, rip and chew the clothes up by the second wearing...well then there are more words. Naughty words.

I think for now, I will not buy more clothes. They have a couple of new pieces for summer and I think they just need new underwear and socks.

Honor Roll!

Guess what? *HUGE SMILE* 

The oldest made honor roll and I am to be her plus one to the continental breakfast and awards ceremony. 

She gave me the card saying she had made honors last week right before my Brownie meeting. It took my all not to cry in front of all those girls and make a scene.  (Boy am I becoming a crybaby in my old age. lol)

The oldest is so proud and I told her I was so proud of her too!  Honor roll... this from the girl who insisted she didn't care and just wanted to be ghetto her whole life.  

I like to think I had a part in it (the honors thing not the ghetto thing). LOL! 

WHOO HOO!!! I am going to be the loudest parent there! Wait! I am always the loudest parent there already... hmmm.... I know...I need to practice deep breaths and pinching myself so I won't make a scene by crying at the ceremony. I mean how mortifying would that be for her?  It would be a replay of 5th grade graduation where I made her cry too!  Ok, so how do you all keep yourself from crying or do you just go with the flow? 

Video cameras

So next Thursday Hubbins and I will be anxiously awaiting  a video camera system delivery for our house. 

I can't take it anymore. We've talked to a contractor about adding on and it may be possible, but it will still be awhile at best. I have a lot of work ahead of me for that to happen. Funding, planning, etc... we decided not to move forward with the e@xtreme ho^me edition thing because although I share with you guys some of the stuff that we are going through, it is still a whole other animal to put it out there on tv. Like I told my friend, I just don't feel it's my story to tell. 

In the meantime Poufy and CDQ still share a room because they are the most toxic in the house. The other three are doing ok and I know to change them up will be a major mistake. 

I ordered the cameras because of an incident that occurred and the fact that I can truly not tell who is telling the truth. They both lie so naturally.  This is CDQ and Poufy I am talking about.  I have caught CDQ picking on Poufy's scabs, ear wax, ear piercings...whatever she can think of and it didn't appear that Poufy was denying her either.  However, today after dinner SS told me that Poufy told her that CDQ was covering her mouth and threatening to kick her butt if she told and that CDQ was touching Poufy's privates. 

My first reaction was pure anger. But being a RAD mom, I remembered to take a step back because they L-I-E and how many times have I made an ass out of myself over serious allegations like these to find out I was so wrong and lied to? 

I can't say what's true and what isn't. What I can say is the day that SS said Poufy told her this is also the day that CDQ "got" Poufy in trouble because you see they don't do anything to get in trouble, they have people who get them into trouble.  So it could be payback, after all don'tcha know I beat them daily and don't feed them? 

At least that was CDQ's story last week because she hates it here. Why? We don't get the Disney Channel. That's why she hates it here. I heard her on the intercom.  OOOOH man...words, words, words, words, WORDS!  (<-- That sentence is me being good or trying to) 

For now, my head is swimming.  My gut is telling me it's not true.  But it kinda feels more like denial than my gut.  

All I know for sure is that I can't wait for the system to get here. It's a dvr system, so we will have 24 hour surveillance and it will be recorded. It has night vision as well and I can access it over the internet and over my cell phone. 

I hope this is the answer and I hope it was a lie.  CDQ is dangerous and I often feel like she will not be able to lead a normal life and will have to be institutionalized because she is a danger to herself and others.  I get sooo nervous because she talks about being a foster mom when she grows up. *deep breath*

So far the whole," I like it when you beat yourself up thing" has worked to stop her from punching her legs and slamming her head against the wall when she doesn't get what she wants but she's getting older, bigger and more threatening and violent. 

I've ordered some books and DVDs  from the attachment site.

I was also excited to discover that I own a Reiki cassette. I found it late last night in my bathroom under the sink! It's divine intervention I say! I hadn't even heard of Reiki until I read Lisa's blog. I don't know where it came from...

Well, I mean I know where it came from there is a card taped to it that says the name of the woman that does it but I mean I don't know how it ended up in my house or how long it's been here. But it's a 60 minute educational program that explains Reiki and has some guided routines.  I haven't had a chance to pop it in and listen but I'm excited. 

Ok, maybe it's the excitement over the cassette or my head is still swimming from all of this but I am feeling kinda weird and dizzy right now so I am going to end this here and walk away and try to clear my mind.

Hope you all are well. 

Dumb and Dumber

So weeks ago, I purchased this kick ass stove. Actually, come to think of it, it could have been a month by now. 

Hubbins had narrowed it down to two that would do the trick for us. Glass top, double oven convection, pizza setting, programmable...the works! We mulled over it and I picked the opposite of the one he wanted (of course) but the clincher! Mine went on sale!  Well, then we had to get it.  It was a sign you know? Plus I had gone the extra mile and went to the website and checked out all the features and watched the demos. After I sent that info to Hubbins, well he was lusting for it too! 

They were actually able to deliver it that very weekend I bought it and they called us and let us know that we were the first for delivery which was perfect because I had a cookie booth that afternoon. 

I have to admit, I was suspicious. I mean usually we have to wait at least two weeks for an appliance delivery and we are NEVER the first for delivery. 

So they actually came when they said they were...well truthfully they were 15 minutes early.  (I know! Never happens!) They went to set it up and promptly informed me that I didn't have a plug for it. Well you see, the other is propane and I hate it. I wanted electric this time.

Hubbins asked me if there was a plug back there before we bought it and yes, there are two plugs actually. But neither one is right.  Turns out we have to get one of those big hunkin' plugs ( why, yes that's the technical name for them) installed and our box doohickey (yes, another technical name)could be full. WONDERFUL! 

The delivery people said they could take it back but I said no! Just leave it in the box and I pushed the box from the living room to a corner in the kitchen and it has sat there for weeks. Every week Hubbins is supposed to call THE GUY to get an estimate and schedule it but he doesn't do it. 

Today, I had it. 

Cell ringing: 

Me: "Hello!"

Hubbins: "Do you want me to call the guy about the stove?"

M: "Um, yes. Please."

H: "Ok, I'll do that right now."

M: "GOOD!"

Later, me calling Hubbins: 

H:"Hello?"

M:" It's me!, Did you get ahold of THE GUY?" (because I was all expecting a date set and every thing, silly me!)

H: "uhhhhhhhh...no."

M: "What do you mean no? He wasn't there?"

H: *silence*

M: "You didn't call him did you? Why did you call me and tell me you were going to call him and then didn't do it?"

H: *silence*

M: "Maybe you think the box is all pretty and like seeing it in that corner but I don't. That's the most expensive ********** box I've ever bought!"

H: "Ok, ok... I call him right now."

click. 

Seriously, he plays games on the computer all day, ALL DAY! Even emails the programmers to tell them he's found a bug in their games. *rolling eyes* 

It's been a month easily that I've told him over and over at the beginning of the week. Call THE GUY set it up for Friday, etc.... MEN! 

UPDATED: THE GUY is coming tomorrow! WHOO HOO! Hopefully we will be able to set up the work ASAP!