The Many Faces of Hurt

I have so much to blog about (note to self: new family member, drive by, SATC for starters) but I'm going to stop everything to blog about this.

I bought a baby monitor because we've been having problems with the kids lying about who's saying what and causing what. They are all born liars (so it appears) and we can't tell who is telling the truth. The therapist suggested that we try the monitor.

I bought it, set it up and hid it in the room while they were in the shower. As soon as they got out, Poufy found it. Like she had radar and zoomed right to it. We heard her telling CDQ to hurry quick "look what she put in our room" it was not in an obvious place or place they could see just by walking in the room. So, grrreat.

I walked up to Poufy and I moved her from her shoulders out of the way so I could see if she had messed with it. When I saw she didn't, I turned and told them they better not touch it cause I would know and I left the room.

But apparently, they didn't know what exactly it did. CDQ started ranting about how she didn't like it when "We" (Wtf? like Hubs magically has use of his arms just to push her?) push "them" around. This did enrage me because the only pushing I've done that could be considered rough pushing( I couldn't even tell you which kids) is when we are walking in parking lots and I have to grab them quickly and push them from the middle to the parked car side and remind them always inside because they can get hit by a car.

Anyway, she goes on about how she thought loving families were supposed to give "huggies and kisseys and not be mean all the time."

Coming from a family where my Mom has only told me once that she loved me and that was two years ago, a family where if my sisters did something wrong or lost something *I* got pulled and thrown from my hair. I have no idea what the fuck this girl is talking about. Yes, I am that mad.

I am that mad because for almost two years now they have been playing us. The other thing that plays into this is that they both agreed in this talk that their previous foster parents gave them plenty of hugs and kisses and read to them, etc...

This infuriates me because they made it clear to us, their previous therapist and their current therapist that the previous foster parents were abusive. Some things from the list: hitting them, sitting on them, pushing rocks into the tops of their hands, locking them outside in the dark, etc...

What's the truth?? They lied about us pushing them. They think we are mean because we are trying to teach them to be human beings. I didn't think they could have been making up those things. Rocks on the top of the hands? C'mon?

But then I think about the accusation from the respite foster parent. I thought it was retaliation but what if they did lie to her?

I'm angry because these kids have been playing us. Everyone said "Oh they don't know better, they don't know the difference between right and wrong." But they do. They know very well and they just don't care.

That's what hurts. The manipulation, the hate, the evil. Because I do believe it is evil and calculated.

I called them on it. CDQ tried to cry her way,but she knew she was busted. Then she tried to give me a hug. I know people aren't going to agree with me but I couldn't give a shit. Walk in my shoes.

I told her I didn't want a hug from the devil.

The realization that she isn't just a kid and that she is cold and calculating. As soon as she went back to the room she started manipulating Poufy. She ran her mouth so fast trying to turn her against us. How evil is that?

Then crying because she got caught. I can't even say she felt bad about what she did either by lying to us or lying about her previous foster parents.

The other thing is the reading thing...if we don't read what the hell is the whole Spiderwick thing we do when everyone behaves?

Anyway, I'm pissed. I've got to change the way things are run here yet again. I just told the therapist last week that I was tired of this place sucking. She told me it's what we have to do. We have to stick by our guns and we have to continue on even though it seems bad and it's hard on us because it's gonna be best in the long run when we've shown them we mean what we say.

I'm tired of putting my life on hold for their little power trips. Sometimes I feel like the stupidest thing I ever did was volunteer for them to come live with me in the first place. Then I went and adopted them...so fucking brilliant Sasha. Really.

Let the craziness begin!

Ok, so it started with this...

The previous fixture cracked under the heat of the bulbs or something and I knew I wanted an island light there anyway since after all it is over the island. I found this one that went well with the chandelier I replaced the other kitchen light fixture with some time ago. . (oh and that one fixture over the sink totally has to go.)

Then it went on to this, the porch light, I needed to replace the glass yet again because last Christmas when I was hooking up the lights it fell and broke. While I was at it, I also changed the front door knob and deadbolt.

But then, I did something wild and crazy!! (wild and crazy because my budget ran out on my job and I am currently unemployed until the new budget comes in who knows when.) I started doing this:

I really wanted to do this when we moved in but I didn't think it was really possible. Hubs is the one who told me it would be oh so easy to do and that it was a do it yourself project so finally, I decided it was time that I do it myself!

I had imagined it would be pretty dusty because we live in a perpetual dirt storm area or so it seems. But I was in no way prepared for what I found. Those spots up there are actually cat urine spots and it didn't come from any of my cats! It was so gross that I had to wonder how it was legal to sell property in such shape. I couldn't believe the nastiness of the carpet especially since I have a heated deep steam cleaner that I use regularly. The dirt! I couldn't get over that either. The dirt you see above is from one section! So wrong!

I have about a third of the living room carpet yet to pull up and then it's on to the primer, adhesive and tile laying. I can't wait and I am sooooo happy I have finally done this. I can't wait to get the rest of this nasty carpet pulled up from the parts that are left but I am afraid I will have to wait until I get a new budget. lol

P.S. We have a new "family member" on it's way right now as I type. We are so excited. I will post more later after it arrives and I get it installed. Of course, if all that happens before the kid's therapy session!

So excited!!!!

I love going to the movies...

Alone!

I really do and this is my opportunity. lol

Poster art for "Sex and the City."
© 2008 New Line Cinema.

I was so excited when I saw they were making a movie. Because I was the biggest dork when I finished the entire series. I lost friends people!! That's how sad I was and then I was sad because how sad is it that I actually felt that I lost friends?

Anywhoo, I've been waiting for this and the stars have to somehow perfectly align for me to make it to one of the showings on Friday because everything is happening on that day and even the night before so I can't even go to the 12:01 showing.

I know, it will be in theatres for awhile why the hurry? Summer school, therapy, doctor's, dentists. girl scout training, etc, etc... I will never go if I don't go before summer school starts for SS and the boy.

I can't wait. I don't think Big will change, there will probably be a lot of stuff I wish I didn't have to see, but the girls... oh, how many episodes where I could find myself totally identifying with them?? I can't even count. The dynamics... argh...okay...just rambling now.

Did I mention I get to go alone?? I can't wait... time for me and just me...*greedy wicked little laugh* (I'll probably be swallowing that laugh on Friday because yeah, um..karma.)

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Happy Memorial Day!

Hope everyone had a good memorial day. Can't say that it was a lazy day for me but the food was sure good. lol

I started the day by baking up some banana nut bread. Hubs and the kids LOVE it.

I spent more time working around the house. That's a post that needs to be written. I got some wild hair 2 weeks ago and well... let's just say the house is still standing but well, I'll have to post pics later.

Dinner was soooo yummy I forgot to take pics of our dinner. Hubs and I had T-bones and the kids had Cheeseburgers. YUM!

I thought it would be cool to make these red, white and blue pops that I saw in one of my magazines. Except I didn't want to be wasteful, so instead of paper cups I used some plastic cups that we already owned. Instead of dainty little pops. I made these colossal pops instead. I wish I would have caught a pic of the kids when they saw them for the first time.

All and all it was a good day.

Mini Awakenings

I'm sitting in my room on my bed. Holding back foolish tears. At least I think they are foolish.

I won't lie. The transitions from being single and independent to married and than 5 kids has been hard. Not adding the kids problems and Hubs health problems. But I used to be smart. I used to think. I used to do things when I wanted to without a second thought.

I know whaaa whaa whaa!

My life isn't bad but it also isn't what I wanted.

As I stood in the kitchen smooshing (yes, it's my word) the trash to fit more in because you know trash bags aren't cheap and all I was telling Hubs about the "Crazy" changes in the W@l-M@rt Frozen section. Yeah....*CRAZY* like the new foods they were carrying, frozen pizzas and new treats.

I heard myself. I couldn't believe that was what I had to talk about and the way that was something crazy in my now too small little world. Tears sprung to my eyes. Is this what my life has become? All my hard work to make sure I become someone or something better than what I came from and it comes down to a new frozen ice cream cupcake with BOTH chocolate and white cake? Is this it?

Hmmm, there was real whip cream and chocolate sprinkles, can't forget that can I?

Ring, Ring Ring...

Last Friday was the oldest's 5th grade promotion.

I found out at the last minute since everyone had been so sick. I felt really bad for her because she looked so sad and I didn't know if it had to do with leaving her friends or the fact that family was lacking. I grew up with an absent mother who was there if that makes sense. I don't even think that it's necessarily sadness as much as it is anger.

I started to hate their donors (because after much thought that is what they are) because they put these kids, my kids through this. It made me cry.

A woman came up and introduced herself to me as the mother of a friend of the oldest's. She touched my arm and told me she felt the same way. In all honesty, she put me off the minute she did that because being the witch that I am I immediately thought "Oh really? You're feeling sad for your daughter because her biological mother is a twat and mad because her grandmother is an even bigger one for siding with her and ultimately becoming trash? hmmm?" But instead of voicing that I just stared at her.

She told me that my daughter has been asking her to talk to me about her going over to her house. I told the woman I didn't know and she asked for my phone number so she could call me and we could talk it over and I could see where she lives etc... I went ahead and gave her the phone number.

Fastforward to yesterday, her daughter calls wanting mine to spend the night tomorrow (as in tonight now). I wasn't home but right smack in the middle of dinner about 30 minutes later from when she originally called, she called again.

I don't want horny little girls calling my house looking for a partner in crime. That's what this is. They want to run around the mall acting like a stupid girl and I will not permit it. There's enough stupid girls in the world with out me adding my girls to the mix.

I told the oldest that she is not allowed to receive calls...none of them are. They also aren't allowed to spend the night at anyones house. In the future when things are more settled, I told them they can have friends over here but spending the night elsewhere will never happen. I let her know she needed to tell her friend that and her friend had the audacity to ask why not?

This pissed me off to new levels. I went off. I don't question their mother's decisions that she makes for her children. I happen to know she parades her kids around to auditions, pulling them out of school and all. Her kids just don't cut the mustard but off they go. She encourages them to follow media and the lives of "famous" adults. She wants them to be stars. She tries to flaunt a Hollywood lifestyle and more power to her if that's what she wants but I want my kid to be 12. Real 12, not 12 going on 27.

CDQ is also friends with her twin daughters and it's all very dramatic and love/hate. My kids have already been exposed to things way beyond *MY* years, I don't want the added element of them feeling like they have to wear certain clothes or be certain things to be anyone.

I guess what this post adds up to is the question of why some parents feel they can command their way into their children's friends family. When she spoke to me she said "I know you are very strict...." I'm not strict, I'm normal...everyone else has lost their minds, no?

If I were to have started a conversation with her would it be "I know you are very shallow..." ?

At the end of the day, if roles had been reversed and her child was my own, I would have told her sorry but that's their house rules, maybe there's another friend you would like to invite. But I also would have called, not my child, and spoke to the parent first.

Who knows what's right?

What it all adds up to...

1 bronchitis (Hubs)
2 strep throats (CDQ and SS)
2 colds (the boy and Poufy)
1 dropsy (alpha betta)
1 bitchy little girl (the oldest)

I am exhausted. I think we are finally past contagious and hubs can breathe now. Alpha, well I don't know if he'll make it. He seems ok. But I'm on the edge. I am tired. But so thankful that I've managed not to get sick myself. *knock on wood*

Prayers Please

Hubs still isn't doing too well. He's having a lot of blood pressure issues.

They have him on two different antibiotics and albuterol breathing treatments.

He was able to cough up a lot of stuff today which is good but then he started having problems with spasms which started messing with his blood pressure.

I'm exhausted and just when I think things are ok, it goes down hill. Please pray for hubs.

I have to take him back to the ER later today so they can follow up with him. I thought he was better because he's not wheezing but tonight he said he's scared because of his low blood pressure.

I don't know what to think. A lot of these meds simulate low blood pressure symptoms. Dizziness, fatigue, etc... When I first put him to bed his blood pressure was really low which was to be expected because he had been through hours of spasming and they just stopped abruptly after putting him to bed. Which means his blood pressure plummets.

But now his blood pressure is reading normal...actually very good for him but he's, well, I don't want to say acting paranoid because I'm totally not dismissing his feelings or anything like that but he's scared and seems to be interpreting every thing as a sign. He seems to be having the side effects of his meds and because of the good readings for his blood pressure and heart rate, I try to reassure him with the numbers to let him know that no, his heart isn't racing and his numbers are good.

I don't even know if I am making sense. Everytime I try to get some rest he wakes me up. I'm just asking for prayers for a speedy recovery for Hubs. I don't even understand how this escalated so quickly seeing how quickly we responded to his symptoms and got him medical attention.

Should I dare to ask?

When will it ever end?

Everything seemed to be going just swimmingly and I was ready to wrap up everything. Sunday was to be my last very very very stressful day of the year or so I thought. Maybe I was looking forward to it too much or maybe I was bragging too loudly or something but it all culminated into one huge panic attack on Sunday between the two first holy communions and taking Hubs to the ER.



Let's back up to last Tuesday night when Hubs was telling me his throat was kinda sore. We didn't think too much about it because I had just changed the tubing on his mouthstick so we kinda chalked it up to that and moved on but then Wednesday he had a dry cough. We wondered if I had left soap on the tubing but I was sure I hadn't and washed it out two more times. I gave him some cough drops and we moved on.



By Thursday, he had thick mucus and he could not cough it up. I was worried. He was coughing all night long...no sleep. I gave him some chest decongestant and made him some chicken with rice soup. Friday was a little more of the same but I tried a new medicine on him and it seemed to do the trick he was good by about noon. Then it started again the hacking and wheezing and being up all night.


But then Saturday it was all sunshine and rainbows not a cough or wheeze or nothin. But come night fall there it was again. It causes him spasms and between the two it's up all night.



Well come Sunday, I was freaking out because as the time got closer to church, he was getting worse and worse. In fact at just the time the kids were getting ready to go he threw up and then in the church he was lightheaded to the point of nearly fainting. The whole hour I just wished it would hurry by.



The girls made their First Holy Communions and we were off to the ER.

Of course, by that time Hubs was feeling better. Actually about the time he was feeling better I was starting to get very painful chest pains on my right side. They got worse as we drove to the ER and by the time we got to the ER I was in full panic attack.

I haven't had one like that since, well since before my friend Karlton died almost 10 years ago. I remember it because that's when I found out that Dads don't do the things that my stepfather was doing to me. I hadn't known until my friend Karlton, a father of 4 and a damn good one, told me the limits.

I hate them, my hands and face go numb, everything goes brighter like an overexposed picture or something and my chest. I feel so much pressure.

But God had sent me an angel to be with me. I still have a post that I want to write about this woman and how great she is and how much she has helped us already but I want to save that for a post of it's own.

After the attack finally passed, we went in and they called Hubs back. They did two x-rays and he was clear. He has a little bit of liquid in his right lung but supposedly it's been there since his last x-rays. They gave him a breathing treatment, prescribed him an inhaler and a z-pack.

I thought that meant we would be ok. But yesterday was the worst. For some reason my head hurt so bad and Hubs was having problems and I was just trying to cope. I couldn't find the vaporub and I just gave up. I felt like I had hit bottom. I keep feeling like I'm some kind of joke for God's amusement. I keep asking for help because it's all too much and it's like he's laughing and shoving me forward trying to make me fall and telling me to suck it up.

So I quit. I quit asking for help. I was just thinking whatever, I'll buy more vaporub, I'll do nothing and I did. Sort of. I picked up one of my Joyce Meyer books and I swear it's like that woman is talking directly to me. (Thanks Karlton!)

She was talking about women and how they are stretched too thin and they have high expectations of themselves and they worry too much and they just have to let it go and give it to God.

Last night, I thought I might end up having to call an ambulance for Hubs, he was having catheter issues and he was dripping sweat. He couldn't breathe and his blood pressure was through the roof. I tried everything and I told him we needed to get him out of the chair to check some other things that might be the cause. As I stood over him trying to help him cough out phlegm so he could breathe before I lifted him I looked over at his bed and there on the footrest was the jar of vaporub.

I asked Hubs if the kids had found it and he said no one had been in the room and the door was shut the whole time. This was true because I had their Communion dresses on my bed and I didn't want the cats to get them.

The vaporub just appeared. I took it as a sign to put it on and gooped him up. He stopped coughing and he could breathe. He actually slept last night for the first time since we left for the Adoption. The room is silent right now as I type. He occasionally wheezes or coughs but nothing like the past few days. Maybe I am jumping the gun, maybe we aren't past anything but I still feel somewhat relieved for now.

This morning I asked the kids. They don't even know what vaporub is.

I. did. not. find. it.

I sat the new box next to the old jar and I stared at it. Holding back the tears I thanked God for hearing me and helping me when I thought all was lost and when I gave up. I don't think we are out of the woods yet but I feel a little stronger everytime I see the vaporub.

Thank you