Why is it so hard?

I've been asking myself this question over and over again...

Specifically, why is it so hard to let go?

I got a call yesterday asking to increase CDQs meds. After a brief struggle, I went ahead and asked how she was doing. They said she was doing great. Really? Cuz like didn't you just ask to increase her meds like 30 seconds ago?

I know they judge me and most of them never tell me the truth about CDQ. They think they are helping her. Naive jackasses. Just wait 'til she comes full circle and starts pointing her finger at you, then let's see where you stand. Pfft.

I know I need to let go. My mind needs to let go and my heart needs to let go and I need to give it all to God. I know this.

I know this soooo well.   I know I can't stop her from f'ing up her life just like her mother. Her sister's dead because I couldn't stop her mother.  CDQ wants to hurt and she wants to be the victim, just like her mother.  Her sister's death happened to CDQ, and not her sister...just like everything happens to my sister.

I know these things happen to other people but CDQ uses it for attention seeking. Just like my sister does. People eventually figure out the truth. It's sad.

It's unfortunate to say the least, but it is what it is.

Damn.

Why is it so hard to laugh?

Is it because of the two empty spaces we now have?  There are good things I can be posting left and right on here but I don't.

I guess part of it is the Internetz frown upon it, after all THE day I posted about how great my kids were doing, it came crashing down. We are on an upswing right now, but U-G-H!

Or is it because I feel like I have to hold everything else more tightly now? I have to keep everyone safe.

Or is it guilt? If it's guilt, it's so irrational. Why shouldn't we be happy too?

It makes me seriously question things. My kids sabotage because of fear and feelings of inadequacy and being undeserving. Am I now in step with them and modeling the very thing I am trying to eliminate?

Rheumatoid Arthritis Remission Part 2

I decided to write another post about RA remission because my previous one was so popular and I have more to say about it.

To recap for those passing by my blog, I've been diagnosed with RA and fibromyalgia.
Rheumatoid Factor: 200
ANA Positive
ANA >=1:640
ANA Pattern: Speckled


I can't remember what my ESR was but it was bad too. 


Anyhow, I've been going to acupuncture for just shy of a year and I've been going everyday (M-F) for about 3 and half months. 


I'm not taking any drugs or even any of the pills I had posted in my other remission post just basic vitamins and an herb called Jia Wei Xiao Yao Wan.


I've made the choice that I will never take any of the meds for these diseases. I don't judge anyone else on their choices because it is a personal choice (AKA none of my business. lol). 


With that said, I am doing awesome. I know some people have tried acupuncture and herbs and it didn't work. A lot of the people I have read about who have tried it say that they've had the needles put into their pain sites or other weird things. 


I can tell you that I had pain relief the very first day I met my acupuncturist and he only did acupressure that time. I have had successful treatments every single time I go. He has peeled back all the layers (symptoms) and clears them. Most of that is documented here on this blog.  I can wake up with a frozen shoulder because I got too cold over night with the a/c on and go see him and move my shoulder without pain within minutes of him putting in the needles. 


He says there is no reason why pain relief shouldn't be immediate. He says that everyone should feel some form of relief from the very first visit. 


I asked him about his method and I told him what I had read about putting needles in pain sites. His method is different. If I have swelling on my left pointer finger the needles go on my right 2nd toe. If I have pain on my right side the needles go on the opposite side.  I can complain about soreness in my shoulder and he will touch a spot on my opposite leg and I will discover that there is an incredible tender area I didn't even know...the needle(s) will go in/around the tender spot and he will ask me to move my shoulder and if I still have pain, he tweaks it until I don't have pain anymore. He says there are (I think) only two other people in the US who do it the way he does. 


There's a lady who I have yet to meet, but she posted a google review and on his Facebook page. She gave him 5 stars and said she had been on RA meds for 6 years and now she's not taking a single med and she is totally symptom free. 


I'm not there yet but I don't even know where to begin to tell you. If I get stressed or over do it, there are consequences but I bounce back quickly, I wasn't bouncing back at all before. if I forget to take my herbs I feel it and since I started taking my herbs I've found that I have no need for ibuprofen. However, I forgot to take my herbs all day a couple of days ago and I started to feel it.  My mornings aren't as stiff or sore. Most of that stuff goes away fairly quickly and I run my hands under warm/hot water in the morning to help loosen them up but for the most part it's just my left hand that is weak and slightly stiff.  I also noticed that I have color back in my cheeks and face. I used to be this dull shade of gray and there's also light back in my eyes. I do still have weakness which drives me crazy, especially in my left hand and arm. My swelling in my hands has gone down. I do have two fingers that are a little disfigured but no pain. 


I should also mention that I did see a chiropractor three times. That was important too because the first two sessions were incredibly helpful. I had a lot of popping things back in. Oh and I can't tell you how much it hurt but felt so good to have my wrists and fingers put back. The third one didn't yield as many results as the first two but it did relieve the RA part of my pain. At that time my neck needed to be realigned because it was causing me wrist pain. As soon as he cracked my neck and adjusted it back the wrist pain went away. To me, the combination of the two was essential. 


I wanted to get this out there, my experience.  This last week has been a sad week in the RA world.  With the sudden loss of RA SuperBitch and two suicides, the pain hits so much closer to home.  If I hadn't met my doctor, I truly don't believe I would be here writing this post right now. There's a thin line and it's so easy to contemplate ending it all when the pain is so f*ing unbearable and you just want to breathe again. 


If you have any questions, or want my doctor's info or just want to connect with someone who knows what it's like feel free to e-mail me. 

Still blogging...

It seems like ages since I've been here.

Hubbins upgraded our internet and the company did a bang up job of getting us crossed over to the faster speed but totally forgot to send us the new modem for it so we've been without internet.  I have internet on my cell phone but I can't imagine blogging from there.

Also today, the oldest helped me move my computer closer to me so I could actually use it.

I met with CDQ's new counselor who told me he had called me in because they are at a standstill with CDQ and basically can't help her anymore. He wanted me to sign her transfer to a treatment foster home. Like that's going to make a difference, we were a treatment foster home.  This on the heels of a local news report where a 15 and 16 year old beat a treatment foster care mother to death because she would not let them take her minivan. They killed her and took it anyway.

He told me that she says if she comes back home she's "just going to rip the place apart." Oh and she wants a baby.  He said the only reason she wants contact with her siblings is so she can keep control over them. He told me I had to make a decision and I think he was blown away by the decision I made.

He told me I can't save the world. He told me CDQ is always going to be unhappy even if she had everything she ever wanted. He told me I am not responsible for her actions and that I should not feel guilty. He told me I should  live again, I should take care of my health because I have a family who depends on me and I have a whole life ahead of me. He told me I should have bio children if I want (CDQ has threatened to harm any biological children I might have). Basically, he said my success rate with RAD children is better then the center's and there's nothing to be done. He told me to let the system deal with it.  He thinks she will do well in the foster home because no one will try to bond with her.

After many buts, ands, ifs, etc...  on my part, I realized this is the end of the road. I don't want CDQ to grow up in the system. But the writing is on the wall. She can't come back either. So I asked for a dissolution.  I requested she be put back up for adoption. He didn't know the process and told me he would get back to me on it.  I think I need to hire a lawyer.

This is it, I don't expect anyone to understand but I know some of you will. But this IS something I can do for her. If we are not the right family, I won't be selfish and force her to live in the system. Maybe she will be adopted and maybe it will be a wonderful family like some of my readers and she'll flourish and grow and won't throw her life away. Maybe with someone else she can turn it around. I have to at least give her that chance, you know?

I sometimes feel like I am going crazy because even though this child has abused me and has the power to make me physically ill, I still feel like I'm losing a child. If it seems like I am talking a lot about myself, I am the only person I can speak for. I can tell you what the others have said: they all wrote notes that they never want to see her again. It seemed so easy for them and so definite. I know she's hurt them too, probably way more then she's hurt me since she's attempted to kill a couple of them. But I feel so selfish and foolish when I start to think that I can still change things. The kids have spoken and I would be putting them in danger again.

Things are so different here. The kids are relaxed and thriving. My doctor and his wife came over for Hubbins birthday last weekend and this whole week they have been telling me how impressed they were by my children.  They couldn't believe they didn't argue and had no problems taking turns on the Wii and that they were so helpful in preparation and cooking.

The boy has been having some trouble, it's faded now, but I think he's remembered some stuff. I anticipate in a week or two he will have some new revelations about his trauma or it could just be backlash from the celebrations last weekend and Father's day this weekend...but let me tell you the extent of how well our house is doing ( and internet please don't jinx me. lol)

There was a disagreement this morning.  Get this... the disagreement was over WHO was going to do a chore.  They weren't fighting that it wasn't their turn or anything like that. They both wanted to do it. How many people would die for their kids to have that disagreement? Here's the real shocker. The chore wasn't a regular chore but it was a poo accident the dog had. Yep two of my kids were arguing over who was going to pick up dog poo.  I am so blessed. lol

It was hard to lecture them about it but I had to nip it in the bud before it spread to other things...one child had grabbed another child from the shirt and that wasn't ok. But my kids can do things together now and I don't have to constantly be hovering over them. It's safe.

They are moving on and I am so proud of them. 

Just Breathe

It's no secret that I'd finally found a supportive therapist who knew CDQ's behaviors better than I did.  He has worked with RAD children and he had a case very similar to CDQ's not too long ago.  This therapist REALLY got it. And when he told me to take care of me, he really meant it. No guilt trips, no judgement.

So it was quite a punch in the gut when I answered the phone and was told he had left the treatment center some time last week and that this guy would be taking over. This guy (new therapist) is the teacher for the RAD class I tried to take but dropped out of when I decided that he and the other therapist were right and I did need to take care of myself.

I was lucky enough to be standing near my recliner because my knees failed me and I dropped into it. I kept hearing my mind telling me "Stress is your biggest enemy." over and over again. But I literally felt devastated like my world had just crumbled under me.

I must've remained in shock because I called my mom to make sure she wasn't using my car this Thursday so I could make the meeting. I told her what had happened. I still hadn't lost it.

Being the gossip that my mother is, she came home and came directly to the kids room where I was steam cleaning their carpet.  She just jumped right into it.

I hadn't told the kids yet.

She was more than eager to fill them in. I have to admit I was pissed watching her get her jollies being a damn gossip. I could see the oldest and the two youngest weren't taking it well either. I think that's what broke me. I tried not to cry but my face just crumbled.

My mom asked me what was wrong and I told her.

"He was the only person in the world who really understood."

Because let's face it. You guys are all out there and yes we have an understanding but I think it might be different when you meet another person face to face who is truly in your corner and who is fighting the same war right beside you.

Really someone who supported me and could actually do something about it.

I'm crying now as I type this because it feels like I'm mourning.  I lost someone who was so important. Someone who helped me keep my sanity and helped ME feel safe.

I wasn't told the circumstances of his leaving.  But I know CDQ had made accusations towards him and he had expressed that he was glad he never shut his door anymore to dispel any accusations his patients might make.  I truly hope CDQ didn't have anything to do with this. Signs would point to no because he's been in the field almost as long as I've been alive.

But this child is that sick. Anything is possible with this child.

My world is spinning and I can't seem to find how to stop it. 

Still hanging in here

and adjusting...

My kids at home are doing awesome...CDQ- no change.

Just yesterday, I came to terms that I just can't do it all anymore when it comes to making the house run smoothly. I feel so guilty. I knew in the long run I wanted my kids to be self-sufficient and my youngest is going to be 10 this year so they aren't little but I wanted to be able to give them a real mom and a little more early childhood for a little longer. If that makes sense?

I hate standing around telling them what to do and how to do it because I feel lazy and guilty even though I know I can't do it all and it's nothing like their bio mom who didn't want to do it.  Yet, yesterday when I was teaching my kids how to do their laundry I realized that maybe I have babied them too much. Sure right now they are eager to learn but more importantly they are very capable of learning and doing these tasks. They have moved from that place where they were afraid to say or do anything. (Don't get me wrong, they still have some days like that but now they are showing signs of confidence.)

I'm afraid I'm the one who hasn't focused on their accomplishments.  I do reflect on the past and see how far and how hard they've worked to get where they are but there's still that part of me that wants to protect them as if they were still the children who needed to be taught how to sit at the table or how to do simple age appropriate every day things.

So I'm going to work on taking things for what they are and still marvel over the "little" things my kids accomplish but not limit them to what I believe their capabilities are. Instead of feeling guilt, I'm going to focus on how self-sufficient my kids will be, how smart they are and how much more they will know.
I will focus on the fact that in delegating I am actually able to spend more time with each child individually.
I will focus on the fact that my children have healed and love me enough to care and help make things easier for me. How many parents of non-RAD kids could even say that?

I am a very lucky (and grateful) person. :-)