Eight Years Later...

I still think about you everyday.
I still wonder what you would say.
I still cry uncontrollably.
I wonder how Sharon and the kids are... if Little Karlton is still a lil preacher. If Breanna is still outspoken, if Zeobia would still be a worry to you because of her big heart. If Dellinara (I know spellings are wrong.) knew that you were his in his heart.
It still feels like yesterday.

I know you are in a better place. But I wish I could have that dream again. The one where we are on the bench and you have something to say to me but I breakdown. Because it felt so real and just as you were about to tell me something, I realize you are dead and I wake up crying with pain in my jowls from clenching and a broken heart that feels like I am being split in two.

I know you have something to say to me and I can hear it now. If it's not too late.

I still remember our talk about Death and as you wished, I am hear to tell everyone about how you were a man of such integrity and a man of his word beyond all measures. You felt like you shouldn't go but you kept your word to the congregation because that's how you were.

You always put others first. There's just no way to explain to the world just what they lost when you passed so soon.

What you saw in me, I'll never know for sure. But it was a privilege and honor to be the one you shared your thoughts and "ideals" with and who you trusted enough to vent to. I Thank God for sending you to me and for pushing you to breakdown my walls. For that I am different and will be for the rest of my life.

You are a blessing. I hope you knew just how much your friendship meant to me and to so many others. I will NEVER forget you.

Menu Plan Monday

Ok, hopefully now I am back on schedule :-)

Monday: Homemade Chili with Cheesy Green Chili Cornbread

Tuesday: Bamboo Chicken and Spider Bread and Salad

Wednesday: Family Halloween Party- Mon Chhi Chi Surprize, Green- Eyed Eyeballs, Smiling Chalupas, Mummy Dogs and Sandwitches, Jones Gruesome Grape and Drop Dead Lemon Sodas.

Thursday: Mushroom and Steak Sandwiches with Steak Fries

Friday: Orange Chicken and Steamed Rice

Saturday: Beef Stroganoff and Green Beans

Sunday: Chicken Parmesan Bundles. Green Beans, Angel Hair Pasta

For more yummy menu planning click here.

I'm crazy like that...

Ok, I know I posted this really depressing post, but I've been to visit some blogs and I don't want to end on a negative note.

So, I will tell you about the people that I met today. I met a man and a woman who were such characters. They came to pick up a tv I was freecycling. They were hilarious. The woman was afraid to pull through my gate because she thought she would take the whole thing down. There was like a foot on each side of her van. It made me think of when I first drove through it last week and I was thinking the same thing.

The second woman I met was cute and funny. She was picking up a toddler bed and mattress from me. I had started to pull the bed out from the van but it got caught on the mattress. I went to the driver's seat and lifted up the mattress. As soon as I did she pulled the bed out and when I turned around from the front seat to help her she was already trying to shove it into her van from the side. It wasn't working so she went around and opened the back where she then preceded to keep trying to shove the bed in. It was funny because she loaded the bed in like three minutes flat. It was cute because she was sooooo excited to get it.

Her mom e-mailed me to thank me and she told me how excited her daughter was to get the bed.

Oh, another cool thing is that I freecycled a blood pressure monitor to a woman who lives like 5 houses down from me. Isn't that crazy? I had just talked to her son about their missing dogs last week and when she came over I recognized her address from the missing dogs. She seems like such a sweet lady too!

Freecycle can be so bittersweet, It's great when the people show and they are all excited. But it sucks when people e-mail with an interest and never show. I have a couple of those. It's too bad so sad for them because I don't freecycle crap. My stuff is still working and comes with manuals and all parts. Heck, I even gave the woman the allen wrench that came with the toddler bed!

HMMM...maybe that's why my house is so cluttered. lol

Giving it my best...

It's been a rough two weeks.

The boy is still being uncooperative and now one of the girls is regressing back to tantrums. This always happens when things are going well.

We had the oldest's first violin concert, followed by the girl scout investiture , followed by a visit to the pumpkin patch. Every thing was going well...how do I know? Because it all hit the fan. When things are perfect,the kids go haywire. They can't handle the normalcy and the fact that this could be their life with no drama.

I had back to back parent teacher conferences with a stop by the girl scout leader's place to leave her some things she needed from me. I hadn't told the teachers about the kids past because I wanted them to have a fresh start. But because of some of the things that had happened in class, I had to tell them about the death of their baby sister.

By the time I got to the last conference just after 5 pm, I was thrashed. When the teachers told me that my 3rd grader has gone to them and told them she missed her mother and wanted to see her baby sister. They were confused. Her main teacher told her she thought they were all together and she told her "my dad killed her."

Well of course, the teachers had no clue and they backed off quickly. But hearing that broke my heart. As I started to tell them what happened. As I recounted what I knew for the 4th time that day (My 2nd grader has the same teacher she had for first grade this year and she already knew) I just broke down. This is the child who saw with her own eyes exactly what her father did to her baby sister. She saw her baby sister die. There's nothing I can do to take that away from her.

I know the teachers meant well and everyone does. But I'm not an angel. I'm not doing anything extraordinary. When they remind me that I'm all that the kids and hubby have, it stresses me out because as long as I keep moving without thinking about it I'm good and I'm getting things done and I don't have time to think of the enormity of it all. Just piece by piece, day by day.

Times are just hard for me right now. I'm just feeling loss more deeply. Monday will be the 8 year anniversary of the death of my best friend. I'm still mourning as if it were today. I can't seem to move past it and this month is always hard for me. I always think of him and what he might say to me today.

This year's parent teacher conferences went A LOT better than last years. Every teacher had great things to say about all the kids and grades were good. I can see they have come a long way and our work is paying off.

We just need to figure out how to get past this bump in the road with behavioral problems.

I'm tired.

Menu Plan Monday

Running behind...trying to catch up..... tooooo busy

Monday: Chicken Wontons and Fried Rice (We tried these different with egg rolls wraps so they would be bigger. They were delish!)

Tuesday: Pot Roast and Biscuits

Wednesday: Taco Salad ( Girl Scouts and Catechism again)

Thursday: Sloppy Joes, Corn and Fries

Friday: Spaghetti and Meatsauce, Green Salad, and French Bread

Saturday: Chinese Chicken Salad

Sunday: Baked Enchiladas and Spanish Rice.

For more Menu Planning click here

Menu Plan Monday

Last week it was waaay too hot to have meatball soup so we had cheesy nachos for dinner instead. This week we actually looked at the weather. Hopefully, we can keep to our menu plan.

Monday: Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Tomato Soup

Tuesday: Beef Fried Rice and Veggie Wontons.

Wednesday: Meatball Soup and Bread

Thursday: Beef Tips and Gravy with Mashed Potatoes.

Friday: Homemade Chicken and Rice Soup

Saturday: Chicken Parmesan Bundles, Angel Hair Pasta and Green Beans

Sunday: Teriyaki Chicken and Mushrooms with Steamed White Rice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last week we made chop suey, eggrolls and potstickers for the first time. The chop suey didn't taste like chop suey but was still yummy. The eggrolls were delish! But the potstickers...those were the yummiest!

For more Menu Planning click here!

Hellwoh?!?

So, lately I've been popular with the kids-- other people's kids-- between the ages of 2-4.

See...I have this cell phone number that I thought was super cool because it's like 222-3333. Not those numbers exactly but the whole thing consists of just two different numbers in the order above. Easy as pie.


Problem is... Toddlers are calling me. Today I spoke to 4 kids. One from Washington, one from Nevada and two from here.

Me: Hello
kid: Hellwoh... I call you.
Me: Yeah....you did.
Kid: me on phone.
Me: Yeah...you are. Is your mommy there?
Kid: yeah
Me: Does she know you are on the phone?
Kid: Yes
or
Kid: (Silence)
or (background noise)
or
Kid: What you doing?

It was cute... at first. But when the last call came in at 11pm and I could hear the mother in the background talking to the child. I had to wonder. If their child doesn't hang up the phone and I can't hang up from my end...how many minutes.... You know??


Plus, at that hour I start to freak out and think something bad has happened.

Hello people...keyguard. Use it.

We won't be victims again...

We had a bad start this morning.

We were supposed to go to the Balloon Fiesta this morning. But the alarm died. We woke up at 7 am. We were supposed to be there at 5:45 am.

I glanced out the window to see if I could see the balloons in the air. But instead I saw my tree in the street. It had been yanked from the roots. Thrashed and smashed on the wood we had placed for our fence and thrown to die in the street.

This tree was planted in a little ceremony in front of our house in remembrance of the kid's little sister. In remembrance of my niece whose life was taken too soon. We called it "her name" tree and it was greener and more alive than any other in my yard. No exaggeration. We marveled over HER tree.

Why these people did this? I don't know. For a laugh? Because I told their multiple dogs to get off my property? Because I needed to use the street to get home and I interrupted their football game? Or maybe because I politely asked that their children not hit, punch or pull my kid's hair... who knows?

I was angry at first. I didn't know how I was going to explain it to the kids as I stood out there waiting for the police to come. I told the officer of the previous vandalism and this time I had a vandalized community mailbox to report as well. Gang letters? Whatever.

I stood out there and I proclaimed that I am NOT afraid. What can they do? Kill me. Go for it. Put me out of my misery. I am NOT afraid. When all is said and done. I know the life I led and I can proudly claim it. I know where I am going. Can the same be said for them?

In the meantime, I hope these images some how burn into their mind.

They tried to make this innocent child a victim once again. They tried to make my nieces and my nephew-- now MY KIDS victims again.

But no more. Joke is on you... you lose. The tree will be replanted and the fence will go up. All you get is this...

So rotate...

Tired (or the day that never ends)

I should be doing other things but I realized I miss reading my blogs. Especially when my little bloglines notifier pops up and tells me I have 846 posts waiting.

But honestly, I feel like I am stuck in the never ending day for about..hmmm-3 WEEKS!

Last night I felt like Cinderella. All day long I was talking about my tackle and I wanted to get it done and out of my living room. Yet I found myself barely starting it last night at nearly 11 pm. As I painted, I thought "Where have my days been going?" I lost the entire day. I was given task after task from each kid and hubs directly right after another with no spare time to myself until I had hubs in bed and his procedure started at around 11 pm.

Then I started to give myself a guilt trip over Sunday. Sunday I took the whole day "off". I stayed on the couch and caught up with Bridezillas and CSI:Miami. Then Hubs and I played Name That Tune: 80s edition until waaaaay too late. It was nice and I realized I hadn't had a break close to that in almost 6 years.

But I still felt guilt.

Yesterday, I moved non-stop. But it looks like nothing has been accomplished. I could write down a list of all that was accomplished though.

This morning I had to be up by 5 am to get my oldest to school for her field trip and it's time to get the kids up and get the day started already. But what do you do when you feel the previous day(s) haven't ended?

Hubs and I have errands to run. After we drop the kids off (did I ever mention that we pick them up and drop them off now, I'll have to check), they have a minimum day so chances are we will be picking them up on the way home. Then it's a way early dinner, Girl Scouts, catechism and finally home.

That seems like such a long time from now. lol

I don't mean to whine and I know when I took on these responsibilities with Hubs and the kids I said I would ask for help when I need it. But I've asked and there is no help to be found. Isn't that ironic?

Alright, enough mindless babbling. I've got kids to get up, a hubby to get in his chair and dinner to put in the crock pot.

Hope your day is a good one!

Uber Cool Nerd Queen

I saw this over at Melinda's and it looked like fun. Here are my results...

Your Score Summary:

For Science/Math:
12% scored higher,2% scored the same, and 86% scored lower.

For Computers/Technology:
9% scored higher,2% scored the same, and 89% scored lower.

For Sci-Fi/Comic:
52% scored higher,5% scored the same, and 43% scored lower.

For History/Literature:
7% scored higher,2% scored the same, and 91% scored lower.

For Dumb/Dork/Awkwardness:
91% scored higher,6% scored the same, and 3% scored lower.

Works For Me Wednesday

This week my tip has to do with the Littermaid automatic kitty litter box. I have one of the old one's from several years ago but this will work for the new ones as well.

I was worried about using all those plastic receptacles and how long they would take to breakdown in the dump, etc... when I came upon this solution on eBay...

Plastic bags that are the perfect size for the receptacles. I bought a pack last year and still have a ton left. They are so simple to use.

For demonstration purposes (lol), here is a brand new receptacle along with one of the bags. Simply place the bag over the receptacle and

pop it into the litter box...

TADA!

They are so easy to clean up too. Simply pull the bag off, knot it and toss it. Everything stays cleaner this way too!

It's way cheaper than buying new receptacles too! My neighbor down the street bought some extra large litter box liners and cut them in half. He said they worked just as well too.

I don't know about you, but anything that makes my job easier when it comes to these three stinkers is worth a shot.

Works for me!

For other tips click here!

Tackle It Tuesday

This week's tackle is this lovely wood bunk bed that was given to us from some neighbors down the street.

I want to sand it down to the original wood and paint it. I was going to stain it because the wood is beautiful underneath, but I just don't have the time. I don't think this will get entirely done today because it's a huge tackle and I will also be working on putting up a fence in our front yard.

Also, I need to find some dowels for it and see how the screws pan out. Maybe it will be done by next Tuesday? I'll update here with how far I got.

For other Tackles click here.

Anticipation

Last year was our first Halloween together. Hubs and I decided to start the tradition of making homemade caramel apples every October to welcome in the crisp chilly air that we've been waiting for. This year, we've been having some oven problems so I decided to try the microwave.As you can see, the kids didn't care. They watched their apples swirl around in the microwave. The oldest on the other hand waited patiently to see if the oven was going to oblige us.
Unfortunately, these are the only two apples I took pics of by themselves but they are enough to give you the idea of just why the kids love this tradition soooo much.

Do you have any similar traditions?

Menu Planning Monday

Here's the menu plan for this week:

Monday: Meatball Sandwiches and Steak Fries

Tuesday: Homemade- Egg rolls*, Chicken Pot Stickers* and Chop Suey*

Wednesday: Lil Smokies and Beans with Flour Tortillas

Thursday: Meatball Soup and Bread

Friday: Taco Salad

Saturday: Homemade Pizza, Salad and Green Beans

Sunday: Hamburger Wellingtons* and Corn

* New items

Wednesday all 4 girls are starting Girl Scouts and they have catechism right after. Those days that they have meetings we will need quick and easy meals. Hopefully, the crock pot will play a huge role. lol

This week also marks a month of Menu Planning. I love it!

For other Menu Planners click here.

Balloons!

God Answered Me...

Today was therapy for the kids.

Lately, I've been questioning whether I should go through with the adoption. The kids have been very disrespectful and basically just regressing. I've been asking myself why I am putting myself through this torture because it has been torture most of the time.

Instead of having a "normal" life with a few bumps in the road. It's been nothing but bumps with a few hours of normalcy.

I've been physically hurt with scars to prove it in some cases and I've been totally disrespected as has hubs. My house has been destroyed. I spend my time repairing what they have broken so they can break it again or something else.

Anyway, there is no way to adequately explain what Hubs and I have been through this past year without getting into details that I shouldn't put out on the net.

The oldest has been following her mother's footsteps and it scares me. She's only 11. I brought it up at the session and of course it wasn't well recieved. I've told her that I grew up with her mother and that I see her and I know they aren't the same and I don't understand why she is doing this to herself.

I told her that she has the chance to be 11. She's the first in the family who has a chance to have a childhood even if it starts at 11 and not to waste it.

She had a smile pass her lips and the therapist asked her what the smile was about. She said that she was smiling because she would be the first to be a kid.

I started crying because it means so much. The loss of my childhood, having to become parents for family members my whole life, everything I have lost, everything I have been through. I never understood why the strife, why...me? What I had done to deserve this and to live through this and to be through this after surviving my childhood. But today, as I looked at her smiling and being proud of being the first. I stopped questioning my life choices and losses.

I realized yes, I had lost a lot. But because of that loss...look what I can offer. Look at the chance she is getting...the opportunity because of me and my sacrifices. Another step away from the family cycle. Another chance and opportunity at a real life. At that moment, it was all clear. Despite the pain and agony. Despite the loss of myself and my chance at life...Despite it all. If I can reach just one of the kids and let them know it doesn't have to be the way it always has been. It will be worth it.

Just...Lord give me the strength to take it all. Amen.

Oh, but before I go...

This is for the loser at Wal-Mart that was talking crap and doesn't know how to count...

I can't help it that you had a "rez education" and that my family got out.

But PLLLLLEASE...shut your mouth if you don't know how to count instead of talking $%^&!

Standing there saying "Some people don't know how to count." when you are the one who doesn't know how to count is just SAD. I told you there was less than 20 items. Did you even have the guts to say something to my face? Nope just muttering like the low class embarrassment that you are. You are the reason I wish I wasn't Native.

I DO know how to count and all you did was show how stupid you were. I felt sooooo sorry for you. I mean being that my kindergartener who is slooooow can count better than you can and all. Or was it the size of the 5 ft table that confused you and made you think it was more than one item?

Here's something a little less confusing, eh? I'm sure you know what this means by now. Oh and just in case...that is ONE (1) finger. Stupid B#$%.

I am still alive...

the only reason I am here and typing is because hubs is asleep. He's been on FOR-EVA. When he's not, we aren't here.

I can't even post a proper post because I have 15 minutes before I have to put him to bed. We have to get up at dark thirty (3:30 am)tomorrow morning so that we can be ready to get the kids up at 5:30 so we can make it to the 6:45 balloon launching.

I am a bit disappointed because I had ordered a camcorder and it should have been here in time for this. The Balloon Fiesta starts this weekend and I wanted to capture the kid's reactions to it.

Oh yeah, I should clarify. Hot air balloons-- hundreds. Tomorrow a hot air balloon will be launching from each school. It's actually pretty cool.

We'll have these incredible balloons filling the skies. I will try to at least get pics of the balloons. I am so behind on my blog reading and responding.

I suck...

Works For Me Wednesday Backwards Day!

Ok, my burning question has to do with flies. How do you get rid of them and keep them gone?

My neighbors recently purchased a horse and WE are under attack. I have flies in my house.My poor dogs are covered with them to the point that they are bleeding.

We keep the trash cans shut tightly and we pick up the dog poo twice a day if there's anything out there.

HELP! Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

For more questions this week, click here.

Tackle It Tuesday

Kitchen...


Last week I had to switch out our spare laundry room refrigerator because "hands of steel child" broke the one in the kitchen and food kept falling out of it.

Somehow, changing out refrigerators led to this...




Which drove me crazy.

So now it looks like this...

and this

Which reminds me I bought these light strips for under the cabinets and I love them. I'm going to buy more for the laundry room.


For more Tuesday tackles visit here.

Menu Plan Monday

Monday: Pizza Party!

Tuesday: Buffalo Wings- Lemon Pepper or Buffalo style and corn.

Wednesday: BBQ Beef Brisket Sandwiches, Roasted Potato wedges.

Thursday: Rosemary and Lemon Pepper Chicken, Rice Pilaf and Green Beans

Friday: Spaghetti and Meatsauce, Salad, French Bread

Saturday: Hotdogs and chips

Sunday: Vegetable Beef Soup in Bread Bowls.

For more menu planning click here.