I will be back...

I know I haven't been here in ages. But I will be back.

I wasn't feeling all so great in the wee hours of last night and this morning and I was thinking I was going to be sick. I still feel off. But I feel compelled.

Compelled to clean my house and start off 2009 with a bang. My mom had this friend who would pack her suitcase for new years because she believed that she would get to travel a lot if she did.

Well, I want my house clean. I mean...well clean. Ordered chaos would be nice. With the kids moving in (yeah, I know almost three years ago) I was never able to catch up and get proper again. Then with the almost move everything really got screwed up. So, we are sorta living out of boxes, kinda. I hate it. I've unpacked a ton too!

Unfortunately, it all belonged in the kitchen. lol

I don't usually do resolutions but I've thought of some. 2008 has been (hopefully) the culmination of all that has been shitty for the past 3.5 years. I want 2009 to be better.

I know the beginning is going to be rocky financially because we are still squaring away all the house mess. (I *still* don't know if the other house is keeping our money or what...I e-mailed the realtor and nothing. I fear she's trying to hold off until after the holidays.) One post I wanted to write but haven't yet is about how this house (even in boxes) is still *home*. I don't feel like I lost much even though the other house was beautiful. I guess I just feel like I lost a lot of money. lol BUT, I see now that holy cow! we have money! and I need to figure out where it is going. I mean...we lost a lot and it came from somewhere... *looking around suspiciously*

If the kids didn't have their disorders, if the house wasn't in such a .... neighborhood. Everything would be perfect. So to me, that means home is perfect. I don't know...maybe we will see about making this house bigger or doing some other improvements in 2009. We do have a half acre to play with. Maybe we can just plant trees and shut the neighborhood out? lol Who knows?

But I do know things need to change and they need to get better.

So, I'll be back with pictures (tons of pictures...lol) I know, I keep saying I will add them but I mean it. I just need to crop them and name them and fix the glare or the red eye...lol I'm still getting used to the new camera. I am so happy that it doesn't just shut off like the old one did.

I will be in denial about being sick and I will press on.

Things are going to get better.

The sweet sound of silence

It is midnight and everyone is asleep. I will probably pay for this tomorrow morning but I needed this. Total silence. Time to catch up on my blog reading, see how you all are doing. The chocolatey smell of brownies baking is in the air. Mmmm...

I wish I had a good book and a fireplace. Or at least a fireplace since I have so many posts to catch up on. lol


The ceremony went ok. I'm trying not to think too much about it. I didn't get any pictures and unfortunately the video I did get wasn't very good. I had to cut out a huge chunk of the ceremony because the one girl I added it for did not show up. Her parent RSVP'd and didn't bother to let me know she wasn't coming. This is the same parent who wrote me what seemed like an angry e-mail telling me she "didn't know what was going on with this troop". How 'bout checking the website? Or reading your e-mails? Or maybe that hardcopy newsletter I sent out through the school (which by the way is also available on the website, that same one we check our kids grades on?)

We had a late setup because the room had been overbooked by half an hour and I left to get the cake not realizing there weren't enough chairs and that they were locked in the classrooms. Then girls showed up late and I had waited for them.

I love these girls but quite frankly some of the parents are total assholes.

I've got good parents too. Really good parents.

Speaking of assholes... the woman who was the co-leader had the audacity to start talking about me with my family there in the room while I was out. I knew she would show up early to criticize. The oldest heard her telling another parent something about "not friend material" she doesn't know if she was talking about me. I told her not to worry about it. I never tried to be her friend if she was talking about me. After all that street goes both ways. I don't know who talks like that other than snotty bitches. But if it had occurred to me before to put it in those words, I would have said the same thing about her. If anything, it was a great teaching moment to talk to my kids about assholes and how they don't matter. lol I'm laughing because I am so trying to think of a better way to write the above but the words just fit so perfectly for the people I am talking about.

This woman's daughter almost made me cry. I'm getting teary in my old age. lol

We made handprint calendars ( I will post pics) which I intended to be keepsakes for the parents. Both my co-assistants for Brownies and Daisies loved them. My Brownie assistant was telling the girls how their parents are going to keep these calendars forever. When one of my girl's piped up "Not so and so's mom, she throws it away." I was mortified but the little girl, who turned out to be the asshole's daughter, was very matter of fact about how her mother throw's her stuff away and how it just sits on the refrigerator until it goes to the trash. I was at a loss. My refrigerator is COVERED with handmade magnets, pictures, tests or coloring pages my kids are proud of, etc... Luckily, my assistant said "sometimes we have to make room for new things." she winked at me. The poor girl started to say none of her stuff was up and I changed the subject. I've been to her house and it doesn't look like there are any children in that house at all.

Later we were practicing the Brownie Smile Song and I told them to show their big beautiful smiles so their parents could see them at the ceremony. This same little girl piped up that her's was ugly. I told her I didn't think so and she pointed at a tooth that was growing out of her gums at the top. I told her that was nothing and I mentioned CDQ had two of those and they came down. CDQ was standing next to her and was adamantly shaking her head that yes indeed they were up there and showing her how they had come down. I told all my girls that they had beautiful smiles and to never let anyone tell them otherwise. I just wanted to cry for her. She also has a lazy eye. I'm going to look through the badges and see what I can find dealing with self image or something girly where the girls can primp each other and tell each other how pretty they are. Something like that... You know how it is, one girl likes another girls straight hair, or eye color, or curly hair or something. I'm thinking something like that would be great followed up with one of those share something nice about each person. By that I mean, everyone writes something they like about a certain person and then all those notes go to that person in an envelope and are read aloud, then they can keep the envelope so they can read the nice comments when ever they want.

I've already worked hard with my shy girl. I was sooooo proud of her when she sang at the ceremony!

I feel like I am attached to these girls. I keep thinking I am not going to do this next year. It's too much stress with Hub's health and the kids not behaving and the parents who don't do their part. But then I think of these girls.... I was making their calendars and each calendar has a picture of the girl on the inside cover and I was smiling thinking about how great they are and how different and beautiful. I can tell these girls are going to change the world as long as they know that they can. Unfortunately, a lot of them do not have mother's who support that. They want to teach them that money=status. But I'm going to do what I can to change that or at least put the idea that money isn't everything and doesn't change who you are.

It makes me kind of sad because I don't feel that way about my own children anymore. I can't see the things in them that I used to and when I try to remember I can't. But I am glad to be aware of that and to try and look for the things in my kids. I think our kids are on such a quest to push us away, they aren't letting us see them and who they are and we are so busy in the trenches trying to figure out behaviors that they are successful in hiding who they are.

Need some advice.

About a month ago, I guess, I was having issues with the four youngest using the restroom in their bedrooms despite the bathroom being less than 5 feet away from each of their rooms. I believe it was Torina who suggested the buckets which have worked. In fact, they worked so well, the kids decided they wanted to use them for the most part. I wasn't too happy with that but at least it wasn't the carpet, the mattresses or the walls. We thought if we made them responsible for emptying and cleaning their buckets it would get old. So far, not so.

Then tonight, I hear CDQ asking to empty her bucket. I'm peeved about it because why in the hell do they just not go to the toilet? That room is RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the bathroom. So, I go to ask yet again, why they can't just go in the toilet. But I find CDQ huddled in the corner behind a dresser with the bucket and Poufy sitting with her cover on watching.

I didn't know that CDQ had the bucket. I thought maybe she had stolen something and was hiding/hoarding it.

I asked her what it was. She said nothing, then Poufy said CDQ put water in the bucket to drink it.

I couldn't speak.

CDQ started accusing Poufy of "making" her do it. But I don't think Poufy was into doing that from the look on her face when I entered the room. In fact I can safely say that tonight it was NOT Poufy's plan to do that.

When I was finally able to regain my speech, I told CDQ I knew she was lying so she just confirmed it with the fake crying and starting to go into meltdown mode. She told me the boy and SS were doing it too. I basically raced across to the other room and asked them where they denied it with the appropriate amount of disgust.

Thank God.

They told me that CDQ had done it yesterday.

I'm surprised she's not sick. I'm at a loss. We tried giving them water bottles in their rooms so they could have water whenever they needed or wanted, but that backfired. They used it as a means to use the restroom everywhere in their rooms and to be out stealing. So then we let them have it only during the day in their rooms, taking them away an hour before bedtime. But I caught one of the kids squirting the water from the water bottle up into her private and the others seem to think it was there so they can have water fights or to soak the carpet, pillow, mattress, etc... So we took water bottles away from them and keep them on the table allowing them to get a drink every hour or when ever they ask. We just supervise them to make sure they aren't stealing. Which is the same thing with the bathroom, but they say they don't have to go because they've been using the buckets.

I don't know what to do. I've been busy preparing for the Girl Scout ceremony, not feeling so great and my husband has been having health issues so we slipped up some this week. I guess it wouldn't have happened if I had been there quicker. I can only think that the bucket did not need to be emptied and that's how she was able to fill it and return it so quickly. Hubs told her she could empty it, I was turning off the iron and I was already half way down the hall when I heard her calling through the intercom if she could come hug hubs goodnight. That must have been a cover up and I thought it was odd and remarked about it as I passed Hubs on the way to their room.

I've thought about telling them I want them to use the buckets and see if the ODD will kick in and they won't want to use it anymore. I'm afraid of what I am going to find in their room tomorrow.

The other thing, Poufy was doing great. So great, I mentioned to Hubs not Poufy that I thought maybe we should put her in Girl Scouts again. I think this triggered her to regress. I don't understand it because she WANTS this. So, I'm trying to figure out do I just put her in it and see how it goes or by her doing this does it mean she's not ready to go back to Girl Scouts?

I just don't know what to do or what I did wrong or anything anymore I guess.

I did explain to all of them like they were 2 and maybe didn't know that it was not an appropriate thing to do. Using the bucket or drinking from it. I told them it was for strict emergencies (maybe that was my mistake?). I told them they could get really sick and die from drinking that stuff. Which I've explained to them when they contaminated the dogs water like two weeks ago. I told them it was the same thing. NO one should drink or eat that.

Help... please. Advice? I'm trying to understand but finding it VERY hard.

MIA

Ok, I know I haven't been here to post so just a quick post to let you all know that I am preparing for a huge multilevel (Daisy, Brownie, Junior) Girl Scout ceremony this Friday. It's my first one that I'm doing. I have a Junior meeting tomorrow (snow permitting), a Brownie Meeting Wednesday and I'm picking up everything Thursday for Friday night. The bridge, the cake, etc... I'm also finishing up the girls parent presents, some ceremony presents for the girls and ironing on patches. *phew*

So that is where I will be this week. I'm still trying to drop in and keep up with everyone and their blogging and facebook.

What we did anyway.

So I've posted about the good and the bad and now I am going to show you what we did anyway.

About an hour and a half (wasted) into the meltdown, I realized that she was manipulating me. I was trying to get everyone safe and occupied and make sure we weren't egging her on with attention. I realized, why should I cancel our plans because of her?

We were supposed to make sugar cookies while snacking on rice krispy treats and hot chocolate. The others were looking forward to it and here I was about to end it all because of CDQ.

I have to get over it. I had mentioned that we would be doing things without people who didn't feel up to participating but in my "good post" pictures, you can see I still waited until it was a good moment for all of them to decorate. I need to realize that LIFE GOES ON...lol I need to stop modifying things because I am messing with the structure and their expectations.

So, I quickly got the chocolate going in the cocomotion machine, which by the way if you don't have one,they are awesome. I looked at them when they were $20 and thought really, who needs this? But I bought one on clearance for $5 (I guess I wasn't the only one who thought that) and I quickly realized this machine is great. It mixes up the chocolate really well and it gives a foam on top that hubs and the kids love. Anyway... I mixed up the dough and got out the cookie cutters and called them out.

I was so happy we did. It was real family time. Their excitement... it has been awhile and I was so glad I did this. They behaved like the children who were first placed with me, not what this mess has become. Hubs and I helped them with their cookies and made some of our own. I hadn't seen genuine smiles like that in a long time. I had forgotten what they looked like. They were so polite and sharing. The team work! I wish times like these could last. Then I wondered...if I took out the kid with the trouble at whatever moment that happened, could we still have happy times like these without that child? What would it mean for that child? Should I worry so much about that ONE child? What does it do for their attachment issues if they are left out? Lots to think about.

Is it so simple? I even got a couple of Good Night Moms from them. *sigh*

The Bad...

I could never catch them when it was happening. They both accuse each other of hurting each other. I suspected strongly that it was CDQ because she is violent. But I couldn't prove or disprove either case...until tonight.

I went to tell them to stop rough housing because it sounded like they were getting a little out of control with their playing. I had no idea she was hurting him. That is until I opened the door and saw her bending back his fingers with her face up in his.

She jumped up immediately and started crying that he was hurting her. The boy just sat there holding his hand, he had tears running down his face. I caught her. She was busted. So she started screaming at me. I told her she better watch who she is screaming at. Then I realized I need to stop and think for a second. I tried to talk to her. Sometimes, I can talk her down before she loses it. But this time, she was busted so she was going to pull out all the stops.

I said " I am not going talk to you right now, good night." and I shut the door. Of course about 10 minutes into it, I realized I had left the boy in there with her. Oops.

She was too busy slamming herself against the wall and trying to punch a hole in the walls to do anything to him. I called him out and that's when I saw it.

She had used her nails and did this to him through his sock.

I wish I could get better pictures. His neck has her finger and hand marks on it. There are tiny red blotches almost rashlike. She was choking him.

If the marks come out stronger tomorrow, I am going to take more pictures. I just couldn't get the new camera to capture it.

She was beyond pissed that we could see what she had done to him so she was screeching and screaming "don't hurt me!", "Somebody please help me, please!", "Ow! you're hurting me!" , etc... and she was in the room all by herself. Sometimes, I try to stand by a window when she is doing that so people can see me because truly we never know when someone will believe them, right?

I decided to videotape from the bathroom which is on the other side of the wall. I didn't want to record her directly, but I need to know. I don't feel like any therapist or anyone else I've talked to gets the magnitude of what I am trying to tell them. This was after an hour, the very worst had past for the time being until she worked up some more steam. I wanted to ask all of you if this is what your kids meltdowns are like, is this what you mean when you say they are raging?

She went on and on but I stopped recording and simply went in and told her to sit in the middle of the room so she would be away from all walls. She had already kicked me a few times when I was trying to get her away from the walls earlier, so if someone was wondering why I was letting her do that, well, I can't get hurt.

They have already physically hurt me and hurt or not I still have to get my husband in his wheelchair everyday. I don't have any health insurance or anything if one of them were to hurt me badly and I can't leave any of them as I have no help whatsoever. But even if that weren't an issue, I don't think there is anything I could do to help her when she is like this other than to let her get it out.

I just need to know, is this what you guys are dealing with or is this when I start forcing people to give her residential treatment?

The good...

They are actually all there in this picture. Can you spot them all? lol

Happily Ever After...

The night before...

The morning after:

"There's something in there!"

He almost dug a hole through the pillow... guess he thought he was going to be rich. lol
But it was just a quarter. I pointed out it was a quarter for our state too! lol I guess he wasn't impressed. Must've been the stories about other kids who get $20 for their teeth. Sorry kiddo...our toothfairy is more sensible and level headed. You'll appreciate it later in life....really. lol

The toothfairy saga continues...

Apparently, after Hubs left from telling me about the tooth situation, he went back and told the boy that he forgot about the toothfairy pillow and that we should really put it in there because that's where the toothfairy knows to go to.

BUT, we can't find the pillow because I'm still unpacking all that we packed so it's on hold until 1.) I find it or 2.) I go back to build-a-bear and buy a new one.

It's been unusually quiet in the house this morning. The four youngest were terrible yesterday. I don't even want to go into the nastiness that took place between them. I'll just say today there will be a lot of steam cleaning. However, I have kept to my word and have thought everyday about what our kids are living with. I think my lack of reaction is what has caused my house to be silent this morning. They are trying to figure out how to attack next. lol

I'm hoping to get a lot accomplished with them today. But then again, I hope that everyday. Hit or miss... The oldest is home from school today, I'm hoping we will finally be able to decorate the tree. If my kids can't get it together, some of us will have to decorate without them.

The oldest told me she doesn't want to live here anymore. She doesn't want to live with "them". They gross her out and they are awful. She's disgusted by them. She told me that I didn't have to worry though because she wouldn't leave me with them. I felt bad and I also thought it was comedy. I mean really where the hell does she think she can go? LOL!

Sorry, it probably doesn't seem funny to anyone but me. I think I am the only one who realizes the true meaning of "this is it." I think somewhere in their little hearts they think my other sister, or some other family member exists that would take them in and that I have just lied to them to keep them here. In all honesty I think if I called their mother today and told her to come get them she would crap a brick. She wouldn't show. Just like she didn't call or visit them. I would never do that to them. I just need to figure out a way to keep those that are moving forward moving so that they don't stay stuck and lost with the others that aren't.

At any rate, I bought a new camera at the black friday sales and I've been dying to use it. My old one kept dying and it would take pictures like 30 seconds later and I was getting nothing I wanted. Don't you hate that? You try and capture a moment and all you get is what happens afterwards because that's when the camera finally decided to take the picture. Sort of makes me want to go back to the old camera and film deal...sort of. I like being able to see that I missed the shot right away. :-)

Four

Today you would have been four years old. You were just over a year when you were murdered and there is still no justice for you (or your siblings for that matter).

We are all stuck in a time warp and can't seem to get past your death, while the guilty forgot you before you were even cold.

We are all changed...bitter, angry, sad, even broken and all for selfish reasons. We know you are better off but it's just too hard, even almost 3 years later. Much harder because we feel like we have been sentenced for your death. Yet, I don't even know that justice could fix this.

Don't get me wrong. It's your birthday and we will celebrate but I just feel the need to explain why it's not working. Why we aren't moving forward, why we just can't seem to............

You didn't die for nothing, this will be better and it will work some how. I hope you aren't looking down here and feeling sad and crying. Some how we will get back to good. I won't let them fail. I will try my hardest to patch what I can the best I can.

You are still loved and missed so much. The pain is there e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y. There is nothing but time that can heal this.

It'll be ok, my lil squishy, it will be ok. I won't let you down.

Happy Fourth Birthday~!

Great Parenting Moments...

So tonight I'm sitting in our bedroom learning about Facebook and Hubs comes in and stops at the foot of the bed.

Hubs: I think I did some thing really really wrong.
Me: *raised eyebrow* whhhat?
Hubs: I told the boy he could put his tooth under his pillow.
Me: Grrrrrrreat! and just tell me how in the hell is the toothfairy supposed to get in there with the door alarm.
Hubs: Uh, I don't know. That's why I think I did something wrong. *turns and leaves the room*
Me: *rolling my eyes*

lol

I mean really, how does the "toothfairy" get in there with motion sensors in the hallway and door alarms?

To top it all off, the kids don't even put their lost teeth under their pillows, they put them in the toothfairy pillow and hang it on the front door knob. You know...so the toothfairy doesn't get lost or have to go too far into the house and stuff. Not to mention the toothfairy is getting old and tends to forget things. Ya know?

FREE- Send a card to the troops!

XEROX IS DOING SOMETHING COOL

If you go to this web site, www.LetsSayThanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq . You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!! It is FREE and it only takes a second.Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them.This takes just 10 seconds and it's a wonderful way to say thank you. Please take the time and please take the time to pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough thank you's.Thanks for taking the time to support our military!

She earned an A!

Yesterday when the oldest got in the car she was really excited about something and couldn't wait to show me. I thought it was because she had remembered to check the Girl Scout folder because it looked like she was holding the stuff from the folder behind her backpack. But as soon as she sat down and got her seat belt out she pulled out a paper...

A MATH TEST!

This is huge, she got an A. She detests math. It's torture. I can't blame her either. I hate math too. It's the only reason I am not an engineer today.

At any rate I looked in my rear view mirror and this is basically what I saw.

Then I made her cry, because before I knew it.... I went into "the ugly cry". I was bawling and trying to tell her I was proud of her and that it's a good job and she should keep it up, etc... then her eyes started to tear up and she said "Wow, no one has ever cared before. I used to win awards and no one would come. So, I thought what's the point?"

I told her that she should win the awards for HERSELF. I told her that Grandma (my mother) didn't come to mine either. She came like once. But that it didn't stop me from being and doing my best. I explained that she shouldn't take it personal. I told her that I once had a chance to be president of the honor society at my school and that Grandma basically snorted and said "Oh, so you're going to be president of the nerds." I wanted to make sure she knew that she wasn't singled out and that it was across the board.

I told her that if I had known, I would have been there. To me these things are a big deal because I know how hard they are to get. I was there for her cousins award ceremonies, mother/daughter teas, etc... and that I don't know why the family responds the way it does to that kind of thing.

I shared with her that it was more important to do your best for yourself instead of for others. It's nice to have recognition, but in the end...who knows their accomplishments the best, if it's not yourself? I told her that she shouldn't let anyone get in her way or make her feel bad and miss out on an opportunity because then she will have a lot of regrets. I should know, I let Grandma stop me from doing a lot.

Then we realized people were looking at us as we drove home and at first, we were a little ticked...privacy please...sheesh. Then we remembered we were driving the reindeer van and we could hardly stop laughing.

Trying to be a better parent

I came across this poem the other day. I recognized it from a poster my mom had hanging up in her room when I was a kid. I wondered if it had any meaning to her.

If a child lives with cricism, he learns to condemn…
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight…
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive…
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself…
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy…
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilt…
But…
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient…
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident…
If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative…
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love…
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is…
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice…
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him…
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live.
With what is your child living?

It got me to thinking about what my kids are living with.

I've talked a lot about my kids behaviors and changes but I know that I as a person and now parent have changed too.



In a sense, I feel like I've had to close off my heart so that I wouldn't let it interfere with the tough love the kids need in order to progress. Both Hubs and I were sabotaging ourselves by undermining the things we were setting into place.



We'd start to feel sorry for the kids and we would let things slide. If it wasn't us sabotaging things, it was social workers or therapists that weren't trained in attachment.



The other part of closing off my heart is that it's the easiest thing for me to do to protect myself from them as well.



The big thing and the hardest thing is that I often feel like I am an adult with RAD. My whole life I have been in this alone, I didn't lash out the way the kids do but I tried to have patience and faith until I was finally on my own. I never let anyone get too close to me and I take off when they do. So what happens when you put an adult with children and they all have attachment and bonding issues?



uh oh.



It's too easy for us to ignore each other, to hurt each other and to keep our distance from each other.



After all, people come and go and the ones worth loving and keeping around God usually takes away from us. The rest are just here to cause pain. Whether with words or inappropriate touching or hitting, etc...



Yep, I actually feel that way. I think my kids feel that way too.



So what kind of message am I unconsciously conveying to them? What beliefs am I perpetuating? Perhaps worse of all, what "sins" am I committing that my own "parents" (mother, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa<--people who took care of me, step-father)did to me?



Am I passing on the harshness of my Aunt? The put downs from my mother? The objectivity from my Uncle? The pessimism and helplessness of my Grandmother? The ignorance of my Grandfather and the unspoken hate from my step-father?



Are these the things that I have to offer? Is this the true and hidden culmination of what I have become? Is this the legacy that I pass on? Have I not broken the cycle that I worked so hard to be rid of?



Sometimes I hear myself and it's not me speaking, it's them...it's their words coming out of me and I hate it. It's not the kind of person I want to be and it's definitely not something I want to pass on to anyone.



Every day, I plan on asking myself "what are your children living with?" So I can remind myself exactly what I want for my children and then try to live up to that.



They deserve better.

Thanksgiving 2008

I know Thanksgiving was last week...but here's a pic of the kids making their annual "Thankful turkeys".

We've made these since our first Thanksgiving together. The last Thanksgiving my nephews were here, they made them too. I even had my Brownie troop make them for their Thanksgiving project. They are fun and easy. I happen to keep them and plan on giving them back to them for memories.

Here's our table with everything on it, set to go. It's kind of drab because I couldn't find all my stuff in storage in time. Like my linens. Still wondering where they are. I was happy to at least find all my trays and serving dishes. As well as my dish sets. lol

I collect salt and pepper shakers. Some day I'm going to have do a post of all of them. But there are my turkey salt and pepper shakers.

Here's my turkey butter, ain't she pretty? I have a confession, I kissed her before I put her on the table, I did it in front of everyone. I just think she's adorable!

and my turkey...oooh boy! It came out perfect. We brine our turkey every year. Let me just say there is nothing left.

In our family, everyone (well, 'cept the bettas and Kreacher) gets a plate for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Talking about disruption...

I've been reading on the net a lot since I've seen the traffic come through from my post on the 20/20 RAD show.

Mainly following links to the searches people did to come to my blog. At first, I just wanted to throw my laptop across the room because it's so frustrating to read the words of people who have no clue.

Especially those who think it's "all about you". Yes, parents of RAD children will talk about themselves because just how much of what your RAD kid does can you share or better yet, should you share? So, at least for me, I end up talking about me and my feelings a lot on my blog. To the point where I have counted the number of "I"s in a post and even not posted at all.

Parenting RAD children is a huge blow to a person's health. I know there are people out there who are getting on just fine. But those are the people who already know the ropes. I think I can say for the rest of us who had never heard of RAD and were suddenly faced with these children who had problems that even psychologists couldn't diagnose, RAD wears you down and tears you apart.

For myself, I have gained 40 lbs since the kids were placed with me. Not to overeating but actual stress and lack of sleep. I have clumps of hair falling out everyday. Fistfuls. I get severe chest pains, so painful I can't even breathe sometimes. I think I can safely add depression to this list as well. I've even had thoughts of suicide, even though it's something I know I will never do. I have turned my back on God several times and I've just turned into this person that I don't want to be.

Some can say that I am weak but most that know me, know that isn't true. I've dealt with difficult kids. But never anything like this before. I've been through a lot of things that the kids have been through. I thought maybe that's why God had placed them here with me, because I could relate.

I never set out to adopt. This started as helping out a family member. But then, these kids, my kids, they are my family and they had no one else in the world to go to. No one else responsible enough, no one else who made it out. I thought I did all the right things to secure their needs before the adoption. They weren't like this...before.

I am at the point where I have no help. I tried and tried and I've been tossed from one person to the next. I just feel like my kids are spiraling downward and downward and there's nothing left that I can do to help...that is except disruption. Then people will be forced to help them. At least that's what it seems like. No one is listening. People who are supposed to help, have no clue and they keep telling me the wrong things. These things just make things worse.

But tonight, I found more blogs and more people with kids like mine who are doing the things that I am doing and it's working. Slowly but surely, it's working for them and it's the right thing to do. WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Disruption or dissolution isn't a thing that people do when they didn't get what they wanted. I can't believe that's why disruption happens. I think it happens when you feel that you can't help the child(ren) anymore and it's in their best interest. When you feel like you are going to break and you've tried everything and then some. Disruption isn't about lack of love for the child(ren) either. It's about loving them so much you let them go and being able to admit that they need something more than you can give. Of course, it seems like we will never be enough but I'm talking about the things that they need that can't be provided.

I've talked about disrupting because up until days ago, I thought two of my kids were in the category of what they call "failure to thrive". I didn't believe it was all their disorders, I thought it was the placement. I thought it was me. I was screwing them up and causing them to be this way.

My kids hid their RAD for over a year and a half. They started to unravel shortly after their one and only visit with their mother, before that they were happy and adjusting well- no stealing, lying, fighting, meltdowns. None. The boy was the only one with food issues.

There were nightmares and questions, lots of questions we weren't allowed to answer. As for the visit, I don't know what she said or did to them. All I know is that the oldest started telling them to act as bad as they could and they would get to go back with their mom. She told them that because she wanted to be an only child. I also know they were hurt because their mom wouldn't put down her cell phone at the visit. That's all they kept saying to each other about the visit. Maybe it was a revelation to them.....they would never come first. I will never know what triggered all hell to break loose.

At any rate, days ago, I read about other kids and they have the SAME behaviors. I shared something like Poufy and the Ensure drinks and people responded like it was normal. It's a normal thing and other RAD moms even offered up alternative solutions! I watched the girl on 20/20 meltdown and I saw CDQ.

But the only way I know how to get help is to put things out there on this blog. To ask hard questions for a public forum where some people will get their panties in a wad. But if it helps my kids it will be what I have to do. I don't have respite workers or attachment therapists, or anyone. Just my husband and I. Disruption isn't something on our mind so much any more. If this is "normal" than we are ok. We aren't causing more damage to the kids. Which was our main concern.


So for now, we will keep chugging along and see where we end up. I still can't say that this won't be my biggest regret in life... but we will see how it turns out.

Then there were silent stares...

Yesterday when I went out to the black friday sales, I found myself mushed into the aisle with all the nutritional drink stuff and while I was waiting for a break to get back into the traffic of the store, I saw Ensure that helps keep and maintain weight. So I bought some.

But let me back up a little here.

Poufy, our 7 year old girl (because her brother is now 7 years old too), has a hyperthyroid and she has a problem with lying AND she has a problem with making herself throw up for attention. So she looks like a little skeleton with bug eyes. The eyes are part of her Grave's Disease.

She's never full. NEVER. I give her healthy foods and she eats and eats and eats and nothing ever shows. She cries if she can't have thirds or more. I have to tell you that all the kids plates are always heaping. They eat more than I do and if you combined Hubs and my own plates they get more than that on their first serving and it's never good enough. I worry about their weight when they get older. Obesity, diabetes, etc...runs in their genes. Right now, it doesn't even show on them how much they eat.

About a year ago, she started "getting sick". I caught her making herself throw up. She at 6 was talking about calories and stuff. They all were because the school was teaching them about calories and fat. But I don't think it was because she was worried about getting fat. I think she started to make herself throw up because she started to get attention for it. It was a fun game for her. Even after I had to take her to ER and they gave her suppositories to stop the vomiting because she had done it so many times, even she couldn't stop it.

I've been torn several times that she has done this whether she is truly sick, bored or what? She did it last week and she was going to do it again a couple of nights ago when I went in to check on SS and caught Poufy sitting up in bed pushing her knee into her stomach...this at 3 am.

I'm torn because if one is sick and spewing, I don't believe they should be fed so they can retch some more. But if she's faking it, she needs to eat. Like I said, I think it's a game. I've all but begged her to tell the truth. I've threatened that she won't eat until I know she is well enough to keep stuff down and I guess I've screwed up because I've given her control. But what can I do? If there's something I can do, it's escaped me.

So I bought these drinks that have 350 calories and the nutrition she needs yesterday and I gave her one before dinner. She actually thinks she is getting a shake. She sucked that sucker down and went on her way. It's confusing. If it is a food issue, maybe she doesn't think drinks have calories? If it's an attention issue, then I guess she feels special. If it's a thyroid issue, I guess we will find out.

Last night at dinner, she was on her second plate of food, and granted she only had about 3 spoons of stuffing left but she sat there. Hubs and I were talking, the other kids were goofing around. She timidly said my name and I turned. Then she said the two words that stopped the ENTIRE table.

"I'm full."

Maybe we all shouldn't have had such a reaction. It was probably a mistake but we were all caught off guard. I tried to recover quickly and I told her that's fine and that she didn't have to eat it.

She got down from the table and I watched the other kids watch her clear her dishes. SS exclaimed that she could see Poufy's stomach through her sweatshirt. Poufy looked happy. Not because of the attention. This was like a satisfied happy. A happy that didn't include us or what was going on in the room, just her in her world, patting her full tummy.

Usually by this time of day, I would have been on the brink of just meltdown myself with this child, yes, it's barely going to be 10 am. But I haven't heard a peep from her, which is unheard of. I'm afraid to share this because like I said, seems like when I try to be happy about something, it all goes down hill. I didn't hear her on the monitor last night either, I believe she slept the night through.

I know it's new, I know it probably won't last and I know the full feeling is probably something I shouldn't promote because if she thinks all her life she will have to eat until she feels that feeling to be happy, well....

But I have a plan. I am going to give her the drinks for 6 days and weigh her again. (BTW, I weighed her yesterday and she weighs 37 lbs, she has lost weight. ARGH!) If she has gained weight, I am going to give her 6 more days of the drink to see if she continues to gain weight. I'll have to keep in mind if she is eating less. From there, I think I will stop the drinks for a week and see what happens. If she loses weight and eats the same or more. We know it's surgery to remove her thyroid. I think it will be pretty clear that the meds she is on aren't working. I know they are hesitant to do these procedures on children. But if that's what it is, it's disrupting her whole life. Of course this isn't exact and it's subject to change... but I just want to see her happy again. We all want our old Poufy back.