Getting Back to Good...

I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself. Who I was and who I have become now are two different people. I'm not happy with who I have become. I've never been so insecure and complaisant.  I've never been a quitter but in a sense, I have quit.

I have several posts in drafts that never seem to make it on here. I don't really like my writing anymore. It's rushed and jumbled just like all the other thoughts in my head.  My mind has raced for as long as I can remember, but the parts where I can't remember things or form a sentence are new.

Last week, while I was out grocery shopping, my mom had a free reading of her aura done.  She insisted I give it a try. I sat down and said nothing as the woman went through my reading. She showed me where the colors insisted I had strong ideas of how the world and things are supposed to be (check). She told me that I loved to love people (hmmm....).  She told me I had a good heart and was a person who liked to laugh but hadn't been able to in a long time.  She showed me all the black and told me it represented people who were against me and suppressing my joy and happiness.  She told me I was under a huge amount of stress and asked me what was wrong with my shoulder. At the time, nothing was wrong.

I decided to confide some of my stress because in the background my mother and grandmother were arguing behind me in spanish loudly. For some reason my grandmother decided it was ok to spit anywhere now. UGH.

So my mom was disgusted (of course). I was embarrassed, but c'est la vie. I mean what can I do but clean up and apologize?  Anyhow, I got that look and I realized that is part of my problem.  I will never be just a mom like everyone else.  Or even just a person.  Even though I have aged so much in the last 4 years, I still look younger than I am. I am that poor girl with the jacked up family. I get pity stares because of my life. The woman asked if she could give me a hug and she whispered in my ear that she thinks she can help me.

I didn't feel this bad about my life when everything started.  I didn't realize it was person after person who made me feel bad about my life.  Made me feel like I've wasted my life.  I had so much potential and this was what I was doing with it. As if this was a bad word.  

It was me...past tense.

I fell into it and I fell apart.  I wanted more but I gave less.

I fell into the pity party because every time I tried to pick myself up, I got kicked back down again and it started to take me longer and longer to get back up.  RA was the last straw because I felt even God was kicking me when I was down.

Last night and all day yesterday I had a major flare up.  It was my fault. I've been in denial about the RA and wasn't taking my pills.  I screwed myself.  As I laid in my recliner trying to breathe, I tried to figure out what I was supposed to take from all of this.  What was my lesson?  

I forced myself to do things,  my mom drove me so I could go grocery shopping. On the way there, the window had been down and my hair had blown across my face with one strand teasing across my forehead causing it to itch almost unbearably. I tried to make a joke of it because I was afraid to move because of the pain. My mom reached over and pushed my hair off my face. Tears sprung in my eyes. That voice told me this is what I had been reduced to and for what purpose? How was I supposed to help when I couldn't even do for myself?   

I was always the type to keep pushing through all the crap. I had to be the best. I had to prove that I wasn't like the family I came from.  All I had was my faith. I did things blindly and without question because I thought it was what God wanted of me.

Now, I am just lost. Trying to find all the pieces so I can put me back together again.  That in the midst of raising 5 troubled kids,  taking care of my husband, my mother and grandmother.

I'm not looking for pity.  Maybe I'm not even trying to understand why anymore.

But I know something has to change, and I know that I have to make it happen.

Don'tcha hate it when...

something just comes and pops you right in the face from out of the blue. 

I was just reading a post where the writer was talking about struggling with anxiety and insomnia and like a swift punch in the stomach, the air went from me and my eyes widened. I said it out loud...anxiety. 

That is so totally my problem. It is the word that I couldn't find yesterday. I've had panic attacks in the past and even hives due to anxiety but it was never really put into words.  I haven't had panic attacks or hives recently so I didn't put it together. But anxiety is definitely what I have. 

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do...

Dinah- I was very strong in my faith in God. I had my issues with the church and organized religion but I had my conversation with God and after 33 years of blindly following him and begging him for help or mercy or something. I am angry.  I know God only gives you as much as you can handle but I have told God something has to give because I am going to break and it's like he said "sorry kid, you're it, so deal with it.".  I've had it. I've never had a life. I'm always cleaning up after people and dealing with their mistakes. 

Sometimes, I really think I am going to lose it. I think I will snap and they will commit me.   It scares me because what will Hubbins and the kids do? They have no one but me. 

Sometimes, I wish that I would just break already. If I would just snap, I would get a break.  Crazy huh?

Kether- I would totally trust you with Hubbins and the kids.  I was hoping to meet some people too, but unfortunately, I just met people who were interested in using me some more.  Not all, but that's the jist of it. So it's just us again. You know what's funny? Remember my other blog? Diary of a Freak Magnet... well apparently when I deleted it on wordpress it didn't go away. I think they might've crashed over there and restored and that blog is now back, anyhow, someone had left comment on a post about me and my worries about hiring someone else to take care of Hubbins. I still feel the same way...it was surreal, it also felt like a warning because we were starting to look into hiring someone for a couple of hours a week.  Oh well...

OH, and I haven't finished reading the book yet, so please don't say too much anyone. lol  I didn't even know there was a movie! As I've been reading it, I was thinking it might be a good movie. 

Lisa- I was thinking about tapping after I visited the link that you posted on your blog.  I'm thinking it might help because I know when I was teaching the kids to do it, I was doing it in front of them and then with them and it seemed to help. So we might start that again. 

Torina- I might have to look into that, but and I mean no offense. I have had the philosophy of just "$%^& It" because I feel that I am trapped and can't change a damn thing so why stress over it, right?  but my mind and my body won't let me let it go. I've become enraged with myself because I know it's irrational.  (there's that damn little voice chirping-- I think?) I feel like I have no control because I can't stop my mind from thinking these things. I can't seem to turn it off anymore.

I have physical issues now as well. I don't really feel like going into it right now. But I'm sure it's a contributing factor to my own personal mindfuck at the moment. 

I know things have to change.  I know I'm the only one who can make that happen.  But for now I'm just trying to hold on until I wrap up some loose ends around here. 

I 

want

my 

life.

The words to express it...

I should be reading some attachment book or other, but instead I am reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter. 

When I read these words: 

"I couldn't live like you do," Norah said. Since Paul was born, since Phoebe had died, she'd felt the need to keep a constant vigil, as if a second's inattention would open the door for disaster. "I just couldn't do it- break all the rules. Blow everything up." 

"The world doesn't end," Bree said quietly. "Amazing but it really doesn't."

Norah shook her head. "It could. At any given moment, anything could happen."

"I know," Bree told her. "Honey, I know." Norah's earlier irritation was washed away by a sudden rush of gratitude. Bree would always listen and respond, would not demand anything less but the truth of her experience. "You're right Norah, anything can happen, any time. But what goes wrong is not your fault. You can't spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around to try and avert disaster. It won't work. You'll just end up missing the life you have. " 

It just cemented the fact that I am missing out on life.  But even so, even if I could get a grip, what life of mine is left? 

I'm so messed up, I can't sleep until Hubbins is asleep and has been asleep for awhile. Which means I am fighting for sleep until 3 am almost every night.  I wake up a few hours later exhausted but the oldest needs to go to school.  I know in my heart whatever will happen is going to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it or change it. I know it's irrational thinking. 

But I'm so afraid something will happen to him, he will end up in the hospital where he can't be alone, yet I have no one to call on to watch the kids anymore. So many times I feel the stress will kill me.  Right now my left wrist and my right shoulder are in such pain. I have taken two aleves and nothing. In fact, I had taken the aleve for my shoulder and since then my wrist decided to join the party. 

I'm tired of living in fear and in pain.  When I try to change it up, I'll fall asleep before Hubbins, it ALWAYS ends badly, I end up being up with him ALL night because he is sick.  I feel like I've tried so hard and it's never good enough. I feel like I have so many regrets and have made so many mistakes with my life and with who I let into it forever and now it's over. 

Contemplation

It's 2 am and I'm contemplating another load of laundry and another coat of paint and touch ups.



I'm tired, exhausted really but I can't sleep.



These are the times I wish for a normal simple life. I wish I had a family, friends, and that my husband wasn't disabled. I wish for some help. I wish for a break from the shitty-ness that is my existence.



It's not all bad, but I'm not going to lie. It's too hard, too much, too unbearable. I see life passing me by like a game of jump rope that I can't seem to jump in on. I have millions of questions and no answers, just an echo.



This isn't a pity party, it is what it is. The realization of truth and what is real. With all the chaos and madness in my home, my world is still quiet, empty, and gray. It's not depression. It's just life. No more yellow. I can't seem to get my yellow back. This time it's gone.

The irony is that people think I'm amazing. They tell me that I keep them going and that I give them strength. How sad is that? If only they knew.

I'm hollow, empty, there is nothing left.

Very Interesting Indeed...

So, last night I was looking at the little feedjit bar at the side of my lil blog here and I noticed someone surfed in from a website that I wasn't familiar with. I don't normally even look at that bar because I'm usually just making sure my post looks ok. Some things catch my eye, like my hometown for instance (Hi Kandi! *blush*)

However, this time, I was curious. It was a weird name. Turns out I've been linked at said website under "latest news". I'm dumbfounded because nobody asked me. I'm even more dumbfounded because as I was trying to form an opinion about the site it told me that I had exceeded my CPU quota with their site...wtf? I was suspended from seeing a site that was linking to me and inadvertently (at least I hope) copyrighting my material and allowing people to reproduce it for personal non-commercial use. Double WTF!?!

I know the site had to do with RAD and adoption but what exactly, I didn't get a chance to catch. I'm upset. It could be for something good but why couldn't they ask me first?

When I was younger, I was part of a Ballet Folkorico Company dance group that went around Arizona performing at malls, schools and where ever. Fast forward to a school field trip to the library, me-10 years old, waiting for my best friend to check out her books. I was standing by a kiosk and I decided to pick up Arizona magazine, the one with the pretty flowering cactus on the cover.

I'm flipping through and I almost have a heart attack, there blown up almost more than half of a page was a close up of me performing. I was scared.

Maybe that's a weird reaction, but it scared me that people could see me like that without my knowing. I took every one of those magazines I could find and I stopped allowing my picture to be taken.

You might ask, well what about blogging? Until Bela's murder and my family deciding they want to live a "ghetto-fabulous" life, I wasn't worried about it. I was dipping my toes in the water. Trying to move forward, trying to put myself out there. They knew about my blog. My mom would even comment sometimes.

Being with my husband has sort of made me a shut in. Whatever isn't accessible to him has suddenly become inaccessible to me. I think I hurt his feelings sometimes because I don't think he understands how much of my life I've given up. I've never really told him because I don't want it to seem like I am throwing it in his face. But I wish he would understand that all the things that he hasn't had in his life wasn't the case for me. It's hard, especially when I felt my life was really just starting when we got together. So, I tried to reach out through the internet.

This blog is my only really outlet to the world. I don't know anyone out here. I don't mind too much. I think with all the chaos in my life right now I would be a lousy friend. I guess I have to just take my chances.

Let the craziness begin!

Ok, so it started with this...

The previous fixture cracked under the heat of the bulbs or something and I knew I wanted an island light there anyway since after all it is over the island. I found this one that went well with the chandelier I replaced the other kitchen light fixture with some time ago. . (oh and that one fixture over the sink totally has to go.)

Then it went on to this, the porch light, I needed to replace the glass yet again because last Christmas when I was hooking up the lights it fell and broke. While I was at it, I also changed the front door knob and deadbolt.

But then, I did something wild and crazy!! (wild and crazy because my budget ran out on my job and I am currently unemployed until the new budget comes in who knows when.) I started doing this:

I really wanted to do this when we moved in but I didn't think it was really possible. Hubs is the one who told me it would be oh so easy to do and that it was a do it yourself project so finally, I decided it was time that I do it myself!

I had imagined it would be pretty dusty because we live in a perpetual dirt storm area or so it seems. But I was in no way prepared for what I found. Those spots up there are actually cat urine spots and it didn't come from any of my cats! It was so gross that I had to wonder how it was legal to sell property in such shape. I couldn't believe the nastiness of the carpet especially since I have a heated deep steam cleaner that I use regularly. The dirt! I couldn't get over that either. The dirt you see above is from one section! So wrong!

I have about a third of the living room carpet yet to pull up and then it's on to the primer, adhesive and tile laying. I can't wait and I am sooooo happy I have finally done this. I can't wait to get the rest of this nasty carpet pulled up from the parts that are left but I am afraid I will have to wait until I get a new budget. lol

P.S. We have a new "family member" on it's way right now as I type. We are so excited. I will post more later after it arrives and I get it installed. Of course, if all that happens before the kid's therapy session!

So excited!!!!

Someone come and yank me off of this Wii...*

I finally pulled myself off of the Wii and Dance Dance Revolution. I guess I'm just trying to block out the day that I really don't know what to do with.

So for the past 3 hours I have been battling the Wii. I never really realized just how competitive I was until we got this thing.

My perfectionism really is coming out and it's ugly. Hubs hasn't said anything but...come closer so he can't hear...

I think he's scared.

I took this Wii fitness test on the 8th with no practice. It says that my Wii Fitness Age is 33. I was 31 when I took the test and now I am 32 and I am still not happy. I am officially 60 lbs overweight and scored this and STILL not happy.

I don't know if anyone remembers this post. But even though it said my brainage is 28, I'm still not happy. The youngest you can score on both is 20. That's what I want. LOL!

I have a hard time accepting my loss to a toy. If I knew where my cable to upload pictures was right now I would post exactly what I am talking about. Maybe another time.

I will beat this thing. I will.

Are any of you as obssessive-compulsive as me? Probably not, huh?

*Shrinking back into my little corner of the internet, getting ready to jump back on the mat. lol*


*Updated to show you just how sick and twisted I am... I found my camera cable.

This is what I am talking about...If you look at my scores I mainly did better than the Wii but I still lost. They make her slightly better than me somehow to make her win.



















As soon as I hit publish, I got back on and this happened... Do you see I still did better than her on my score and still lost!




















It ticked me off so bad that this came of it in the next game...

All is right in the world now and I have turned off the Wii. I have conquered and I can now rest. hehehe

I need help don't I?

Why I Went Off On the School Nurses...

Lately I have been dealing A LOT with school nurses.

My kids seem to gravitate towards them instead of coming to us. The therapist says they need to learn to rely on us and not other people.

How do I accomplish that when everyone else feels so sorry for these kids that they kiss their asses. (excuse my language but I am livid).

See, Poufy gets hurt...she scabs over and then she picks it to make it bleed so that she can get a band aid from the school nurse.

This because the school nurse will say "Oh, poor baby, you have an owie, what happened?" and it's all lollipops and rainbows.

But when they come to me or Hubs, it's not like that and it won't be. Yes, maybe when she fell but not in the third week where she has repeatedly ripped the scab off for a princess band aid. At that point it's a lecture about how she is going to regret it when she is all scabbed up and won't want to wear dresses that show her knees and she will hate them...not to mention how she is making herself prone to infection.

The boy, when he needs a dose of kiss ass, he "hits" his head on things in the playground. That way when he goes they tell him "how tough it is to be the baby." He's not the baby. Bella is. Just because she is dead doesn't mean he gets to be lazy and pampered. Do I sound like a bitch? Probably.

But he's 6 and he thinks he can throw his clothes out in the hallway and demand his sisters put them away. Do they (the nurses)know that? No. Do they know that he has issues with maturity and by treating him like he is 2 instead of 6, they are helping him regress. no. Do they realize even a minute of that strokes him enough. no.

But I bet they think I am a bitch.

Last night Hubs was having trouble with his catheter and autonomic dysreflexia AND diaphoresis. This causes spikes in blood pressure which can also lead to stroke. I had plans to work on him today to see if we could figure out what is going on.

Fast forward to this morning. Strawberry Shortcake. I TOLD her to stay away from her brother. I kept catching her there in his room. Now she is sick. I was going to keep her home this morning. But she didn't have a fever and when I asked her she said "I only have a little cough". Against my better judgement, I let her go.

Last year when SS got sick, she didn't even tell me she wasn't feeling well and when the teacher asked her why, She told her I would just send her to school sick anyway. That warranted a call from the teacher, she didn't believe SS thankfully. But what crap ARE they talking out there that people DO believe.

Anyway, I get the call from the school nurse. I go to pick her up. I am pissed. Because the babying starts. "Poor baby is not feeling well, blah blah blah."

I told them what transpired this morning. I told them they (the kids) do it because they are babied and that they need to stop...really. Jaws dropped. I'm sure they were talking about me when I left.

Yes, she is sick. But she is going to be 9. She lied to me. Do I excuse the lie because she is sick? No. This is a huge issue in therapy. Their lack of honesty. All of them.

Oh, I'm leaving the part out about her freaking hacking up a lung in the nurses office. I wish I could record the sound in my house because all you would hear is the clacking of my keyboard. Not a single cough once we left the school. Not. one.

This isn't a case of "oh, I love school so much and MY FRIENDS! I would die if I missed playing with them and so I want to go to school!" Because at her age, I would've expected something like that.

I am just beyond and let me just say BEYOND tired of people thinking they know these kids or letting them slide because of their backgrounds. Yes, they had the worst possible childhood up to a certain point and that is now their past. It will never be completely gone. But STOP...stop! making it their today and their future.

Can't these people understand? They are making things worse.

Don't tell me these are your kids, because they are not.
Don't look at me like you know something, because you don't.

I may look like I'm 12 and you may think you have some experience on me but I can guarantee that I've been through more than you can ever fathom and that's light compared to what the kids have been through, so don't make assumptions.

Do not speak to me like I am ignorant because the children have issues.
Do not undermine me with your useless comments.

Do not parent my children.
Do not cast judgment on me because you...yes, you and you know who you are could not step one foot into my shoe and make it out alive.

You may think I am full of shit and that's fine. But I live it and I know it. I Thank GOD! for the new therapist who has worked with treatment foster youth and is working with the kids and sees what I am going through and understands! Thank God for her because now I know I am not crazy and that I AM doing the right things.

Finally someone who does get it and who is helping.

Thank God for hearing and answering my prayers.

Without the new therapist, I would still be floundering and feeling as if I were doing the wrong things and like I was a meanie. I understand feeling sorry for the kids, that was our first mistake, because they took it and ran with it and used it against us. But I wouldn't tell anyone else how to raise their child(ren) so why do people think they can tell me how?

Let's call him Paddy...

So, I received paperwork from the fertility clinic the.very.next.day.

I was shocked. It was a thick envelope asking me about everything under the sun related to babymaking parts and activities. Uh. yeah. As Shrek would say in his pondering ogre voice: "Really, Really."

I'm embarrassed and worried because I don't know if I should be taking any special pills. I don't know what basal (see I had even typed BASIL- as in the herb) Body Temp is. I don't know what any of the things on that list are and I've NEVER tried to get pregnant.

Should I be reading books or something? One thing I have done is almost completely cut soda out. I had some last night when we went out to dinner but before that I hadn't had any in 2 days and before that we had gone out to McDonald's for dinner on Tuesday and I had a coke. Basically, I've only had soda when we've gone out despite the fact that I have a 12 pack in the fridge. I've been taking Vitamin C and B-complex. But that's it.

I feel like I'll go in and I'll be interrogated about what I have done to make this pregnancy possible and I'll sit there and say "Stopped drinking soda." and they will look at me like I am an alien and maybe laugh.

Maybe I'm just working myself up but I would liken it to an entrance interview at an ivy league university.

Interviewer: What have you done that would merit entrance into our school?
Me: I got up every morning and went to school.

Ya know? I'd be the total slacker loser, while the hardcore competition has been going on in the babymaking competition.

I don't know. I could have it all wrong. But it seems like I should be doing more, or I should be doing SOMETHING to prepare for this.

I've been looking at babies more often. Watching them. Remembering what they are like.

Meanwhile, Hubs is like the female. He tries to tone it down and he would deny it. But there's no denying that he wants one badly. He was going on and on about a little Hubs running around. All I could think is we both have HUGE heads and the biggest stubborn streak to beat out all others. But I knew how badly he wanted a kid when he brought out "the name".

I know I embarrassed him but he had a name people! I couldn't get out of him how long or when he decided on a name but he has one. Patrick but spelled the irish way with a D. All I could think of was Paddy. A boy named Paddy. Yeah. It is Hubs middle name and all. But... we aren't even pregnant and Hubs has a name and what if it doesn't happen? What if we can't get pregnant? Signs point to no reason why we shouldn't really. But isn't that the way it is for most infertile couples?

Are we an infertile couple? As far as we both know, everything is there to make a baby, there's just no way to get it together to make it happen by ourselves.

I guess I'll just have to be patient and wait and see if they laugh at me. In the meantime that is 14 days. 1-4. I don't even remember the last time Flo was in town and you would think I would at least be keeping track of that. But with the girl scout schedule (COOKIES), the therapy schedule, the catechism schedule (2 first communions and a first penance in less than two months now! That means a tilma to be decorated and 2 dresses to be sewn by moi.), snack schedule, eye appointments, teeth appointments, adoption paperwork, (adoption in early april maybe?), math club,and our first wedding anniversary (March) looming (Hubs has already started planning, yikes! What am I going to do with PAPER???) etc..etc... I forgot to write it down.

Am I total loser or what?

Helpless

This is going to be a long one and it's not going to be pretty.

Let me start from the beginning. Saturday-- I wasn't feeling well, just really tired. What was supposed to be a cat nap turned into a 3 hour nap.

Hubs had the kids cleaning up the kitchen and he fed them lunch and kept them occupied while I slept on the couch. Yep, I slept through all that. That's how tired I was. I had a dream. It was one of those dreams Kether. A car accident dream. The last time I had these dreams my best friend was killed in a car accident.

We were in a car accident and someone hit us. I know I jumped in my sleep because I felt it and I awoke slightly but did not completely wake up.

I thought today was the last day for the Christmas tree recycle program (I know I still had my tree outside where I dumped it on the 2nd.) I was dreading driving but I was dreading chopping up the tree myself with a handsaw (I've done it for 2 years and it sucks!). As I was coming home, I felt sick and so irrational. I kept seeing a car accident in my mind. They are like flashes. I scolded myself. I thought I was somehow remembering what I used to see when I got those flashes. I even told myself outloud to cut it out because it "wasn't even the same accident".

I told myself I was just sick. When I got home, I didn't even eat dinner because I felt awful.

Flashforward to this morning 12:45 am. I was pondering chore charts and posting when my phone rings. I freaked out because I had put the phone on do not disturb. I had put Hubs in bed about an hour before and when I walked by the machine to get him a glass of water, I saw the cats needed water. So I got the cats water and debated on turning off the do not disturb and decided not to.

I jumped up and answered it. It was my sister that I despise. The kids mother. At first, I thought she was calling about something about the kids. Which she's never done. It was just her tone. She took forever to tell me about the accident. My sister, P (her fiance) and my two nephews (I and E) were in a car accident and were in ER.

She made it sound like P and I were dying. I pulled the phone number out of her and hung up. I called ER. They told me it was late and I told them I was sorry and I was calling from another state. She said she would try to put me through. I was put through to a nurse. Where I got "disconnected".

I tried to call back and got the same lady I started with. She said that T's father just called and that he was rude and said he didn't have a daughter in my state. I told her he doesn't- he's my ex-stepfather. I told her he's an asshole and I am sorry that he was rude to them. She stammered and said what? I told her again. He's an asshole. I'm sorry. She chuckled told me she gathered that from over the phone and put me through to the nurse. The nurse then personally lent my sister his phone.

She seemed in shock. She said they had gone out for baskin robbins and they had a green arrow and a woman slammed into them on her side. She said the tires are off of their suv and that the air bags didn't deploy. An off duty officer saw the whole thing. She said they were all wearing their scapulars.*

They were still there because they were waiting for her results. Everyone else was ok. "I" has a huge lump on his head and she has to wake him up every two hours to make sure he is ok. She was having hip pain and she thought it was from the seat belt.

*breathe*

They are ok.

I am so thankful and angry, I feel helpless and full of rage all at the same time.

I am thankful that they are ok. I am angry because they are stuck at the hospital. My baby sister called the kids mother because now she is the only one with a car. She called her to ask her if she could go pick up T and P and the kids and she told her that "they were just trying to use her." Do you know how hard I could sock a bitch right now? Seriously. I feel like I could put my fist through her skull. Please don't try to preach to me either. I don't mean to offend but really, you have no clue.

I feel helpless because I can't go pick them up. I can't help them at all. I am stuck. All of them are injured in some form and I am here. She's come out to help me when we needed it and all I can do is pray. Which I know is helpful but how are they going to get home? Her purse is in the car. I don't even know if they have the money for a ride home. I couldn't even get money to them in an instant to get a ride home. Who is going to take care of them? Let them sleep? Watch the kids? I feel bad and helpless.

I'm rageful..if you don't like cuss words stop here.

That motherfucking piece of shit loser. Yeah he doesn't have a daughter in this state but he has a girl that he molested and took advantage of in this state who is looking to find out if her SISTER is ok. Mark my words HECTOR RUBIO. YOU WILL PAY for all you have done. You will pay for molesting me. You will pay for the death of Bella. You will pay for the suicide of Cindy. You will pay for the damage you have done to your children and grandchildren. YOU WILL PAY!

I bet it just irks you that I'm the one thing you've touched that hasn't turned to shit. I know it did back in the day. OH how you tried to BREAK me. How you tried to CLAIM me. How you took advantage of my innocence and naivety. How you tried to convince me to allow you to be my FATHER. How you insinuated that you were acting as a FATHER would to me. Does a father pin his "daughter" down and rub all over her? Even when she is BITING him with all her might and screaming for him to GET OFF HER??? Does a "father" kiss his 6 year old daughter so hard that his teeth push her lips apart and she tastes him? DOES HE? Does he sit on her bed while she is sleeping when she's NINETEEN years old? Does he not correct his coworkers when they mistake her for his WIFE? DOES HE?

I don't know how to love huh? I'm cold and heartless, huh? Well FUCK YOU from the bottom of my heart. You're just mad because I wouldn't love you the way you wanted me to. I wouldn't let YOU IN. What you didn't know was that girl you tried so hard to break was already gone and tucked away somewhere where you and no one else could get her. Waiting until she was safe to come out. So you LOSE! She's ALIVE and well and LOVING with all her heart. PROTECTING other kids from PEOPLE LIKE YOU!

You thought you were so smart didn't you? You still think you got away with it don't you HECTOR RUBIO? No court on Earth will punish you the way God the FATHER almighty will.

My FATHER will take care of you and you will get what you so richly deserve HECTOR RUBIO.

I'm done with that topic...moving on...

The scapulars. We are Catholic. I've always had my faith even when the church pushed me away. I'm not entirely inline with the Catholic church but it's what I choose. I've been gently guiding my family (what's left of it.) to try and rediscover their faith. Now that they are older and can understand and make an informed decision.

When T asked me to be E's Godmother I made sure it happened. I made sure that "I" was included as well. My baby sister was supposed to be I's Godmother but she hasn't made her first holy communion or been confirmed.

It was a huge surprise to me when I asked T what she wanted for Christmas and she told me she wanted a complete Pieta book and scapulars for all of them. I got online as soon as she left and started searching. I had found a place but hadn't placed the order yet.

Meanwhile, Wal Mart had a roll back on the storage drawers and ours near our house were out. So I drove to the next town and picked up what I needed. On my way out there was a bad car accident that redirected me.

I am totally directionally challenged. I ended up heading deeper into the other city instead of back towards mine. This led me to a traffic standstill right in front of the only catholic store in both towns. I decided to turn in rather than sit in traffic.

I got her the scapulars she wanted, the pieta book, a book about the meaning of the scapular, a book about the meaning of mass and the catechist of the catholic church. I also picked up mostly the same things for my baby sister and a scapular for my mom.

What I failed to mention was that my sister, her fiance and my baby sister are all going to go to classes so that they can make their first holy communion and confirmations. I'm doing everything I can to encourage them to at least see if it is something they want. I'm really so happy because it's just amazing to see how living your life in your faith can affect others and nudge them to want faith for themselves.

Even Hubs was an atheist when I met him and he changed all on his own. I never even talked to him about it. At least not the beliefs but the religion itself and the people. All I say is do not let people turn you away from God. A lot of time people turn their backs on God because of organized religion. Humans are running the churches. That's all I have to say.

The scapulars are a form of protection for the wearer. It is the Blessed Virgin Mary who protects us as every mother protects their children. Some people think it's a ticket to heaven but it's not. lol

Anyway, I'm glad I've got all that off my chest. I'm glad they are ok. This is probably going to be the longest post ever. Sorry guys.

The Kiss That Says I Love You

This morning I was about to start getting Hubs up and ready for the day when I decided I needed a couple of hershey's kisses to get the job done.

He asked me for one and I said "sure".

Apparently, I then unwrapped one, stuck the kiss in my mouth and stuck the foil in his mouth. At the same time, I realized I still had two kisses in my other hand and this confused me. I looked back and saw his face.

He had the foil on the tip of his tongue and he looked confused like-- is she for real?

I immediately grabbed the foil and then fell to the floor laughing. I laughed so hard it hurt. I couldn't stop. Tears were running down my face, it was so painful. I had cramps so bad that morning and the night before my stomach felt like I had done a million situps and I was bruised. The pain from laughing so hard still wasn't enough to make it stop. I could barely breathe.

The look on Hubs face was just so priceless. He said I laughed for like 5 minutes straight. I have never laughed so hard in my whole entire life! My stomach is still sore!

Hubs said he wasn't sure if I was playing a trick on him or not. I still had the chocolate in my mouth when I was laughing and I kept trying to choke out that I was sorry to him.

I still don't know what I was thinking...maybe I wasn't?

Keebler??

So, yesterday was the longest day of my life. I'm not sure why but the day was just crammed with too much stuff and chaos and argh!

Two dentist appointments, I couldn't find one of the kids because she wasn't in all the places they told me to look for her at school. Figures! 35 minutes later we bumped into her on accident. I had to call the dentist and let them know we were late. It just snowballed from there but the dentist was kind enough to still see the kids and each now has two more appointments. We now have dentist appointments every Monday well into the New Year.

The kids had lunch already and of course had been to the dentist. But Hubs and I hadn't eaten a thing and it was already after 2 pm. We decided to stop and grab a quick bite. I bought the kids milk. People stared. I made it clear that they had eaten at school already and were just coming from the dentist meanwhile Hubs and I had headaches.

Still people stared. It was lovely because the kids have big mouths. They talk like we are in another state even though we are sitting right across from them and of course they had to talk about how their mom and dad locked them in the bathroom and wouldn't let them sleep on the bed, etc... Good times. People really stared. I said "Well that's why you are not there anymore and you are here with us." But still I was livid.

The kids always choose to speak loudly and talk about the abuse in public places. People stare. It all pisses me off. Sometimes I feel like the kids are playing it up for sympathy, they talk about these things and they look to see who is listening and then they sometimes embellish. Some man gave the boy a toy from the kid's meal he ate. I was angry about that because he didn't ask me if he could. The boy is in serious trouble and I already knew what he was going to do with it and of course he did. He kept flashing it in front of his sister's faces and then he wouldn't let them see or touch it until I took it away causing more drama.

Hubs and I decided we were going to try to do some last minute Thanksgiving dinner shopping with all the kids because we ran out of time. Big mistake. On top of the kids being themselves, Hubs was having spasming issues that made him overheat. We stood in the frozen section with 5 kids. Hubs halfway in a freezer. I wanted him to go home but he didn't want to go. A paramedic came up and said she noticed we were trying to cool him down and asked if he was ok. I told her he was. Turns out his foot glovelike thing on his chair was too tight and that's what caused all the spasms. We went home anyway.

I still had to go out and do the shopping. Oh, yeah, maybe that's why my day seemed so long. I dropped the oldest off at violin class. Her class is at 7 am, which gave me an hour with the other kids before they had to be dropped off. I decided I would be brilliant and take them to get dress shoes because the oldest already has hers. 3 girls trying on dress shoes at 7:15 in the morning before school. Tell me I am a masochist.

Anyway, the shoes and the spasms happened at the same store meaning I was there twice already in one day. The people know me already and it's embarrassing. I had to go back still because I didn't get all the things I needed while I was there. Except I was too embarrassed to go back to that one so I went to one farther away. It was about 10pm.

I'm forgetting to mention that I had to go out that night because the oldest decided all on her own that she was going to do a presentation report on Dirt Surprise which is pudding, crushed oreos and gummy worms. Oh and she needs napkins, cups and spoons too--for the whole class. I could have wrung her neck.

So, I am at the other store. I'm feeling self conscious (which isn't usual for me) because I decided I was going to try to remember how my mom makes Menudo, Posole and Tamales. I actually wasn't self-conscious until I went to buy the tripe and beef oxtails and saw that there was tongue...huge tongue sitting next to it. I mean I knew I was going to feel a little weird buying beef oxtails. But the tongue. I always thought my mom was kidding when she said "tongue, just eat it". I thought she was just tired and being sarcastic.

I did not buy tongue.

But the oxtails made me nervous.

Fast forward to check out. I put all my crap on the counter. I bought various items. Some sewing things for gifts, the tamale and soup fixings, etc...

There was girl in line behind me. She asked me about the oxtails. I told her what they were like. She was interested,and told her mom, her mom was a witch with a b who looked like she's stuck a lot of different meat in her mouth if you know what I mean. I felt badly for the girl.

When my turn came the cashier was talking to me about how she was good at sewing and she wondered how long it would take her to pick it up again. I told her I always wanted to take home ec but never got it. I always got engineering or computer programming. She said I was better off.

Then bless her heart (lol), she asked me if I was almost done with school. I told her I already had my degree.

Then she said "Oh and you make tamales too." as she scanned some of my stuff. I told her I was going to try to remember how my mom did it.

She said something that sounded initially like "You cook, you sew and you are smart. You are a keebler."

I was instantly confused and slightly offended. A keebler elf?

Because yeah, that's what someone would say right? I am 5 ft 1.

In my defense, it was almost 11 pm and I still had a grocery store, gas and prescriptions to pick up.

I realized slightly delayed (when I climbed into the van to leave.) that she said "Keeper". As in you're great. Not as in Keebler--you factory elf.

I finally got home just after midnight.

At the grocery store I had 5 stocker guys looking for turkey lacers for me. Have you ever seen guys looking for a little string (or rope as they called it). One guy asked if I couldn't put yarn or something. I told him it would color my turkey and I believe I made up some awesome bs that went something like "Oh, you see that's a special rope. it's allllll natural, no coloring, no flavoring, just all natural fabriclike stuff. For food. You know?"

He was like "Yeah, yeah." Another guy was like "I know exxaaactly what you are talking about." I was tired but still able to screw around with the situation. Be honest you would have too. lol

Turns out they were all out of lacers.

I got to bed around three this morning. I'm exhausted.

Turkey Butter, Turkey Butter...

Turkey Butter! (Sang to the tune of You Can Do It, or something like that from Cinderella.)

I dropped the kids off at school this morning and off I went, singing away to myself in the van.

I got to the store and the parking lot wasn't too crowded but there was a part of me who was envisioning this huge display of Turkey Butter and a line out the door.

I went in the store and grabbed one of those mini-carts and took off. I was dodging people left and right. I could see fear in the eyes of some of the shoppers as I swerved around them.

I went around the parameter of the store and NO turkey butter display. Fear started to creep up. It's 8:45 am, could I have missed it already? ARGH!

I decided to end at the butter section, where I was still expecting a huge turkey butter display. Nothing.

Then the clouds parted and the sun shone through and right between some freaky green olive oil butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter... there it was!

All SIX boxes. That's ALL that was there.

I grabbed for three of them and I was inspecting them when this woman tried to push me out with her cart. One of the boxes was crushed so I was reaching to exchange it and she tried to cut me off. Can you believe it? I knew it was a conspiracy!

But I still left with my three boxes of turkey butter and a bounce in my walk. LOL!!!

Isn't it beautiful?

A year's worth of waiting, realized. It's the little things that make me crazy, isn't it?

I don't have the Turkey or even the bread that this butter is going to go on...but right now, it's all good in the world.

Next month, Christmas Tree Butter.

The shut out---or my weird mission...

For the past three years I have tried to buy Turkey Butter. You know...the butter sculpted to look like a turkey.

I present to you exhibit A.

We only have one store that sells it and they have sold out every year. Every year, I go in and ask "where is it?" on the first day of the sale and they tell me "OH, that...it's gone." I've never even seen it live and in person.

Last year, I vowed that I would get my hands on some turkey butter this year. I've been reminding myself at random intervals "Turkey Butter". Even Hubs is in on the action.

I've been stalking the ads, calling the store, and FINALLY! It's on sale tomorrow. The plan, drop the kids off at school and go straight to said store. Purchase the elusive Turkey Butter and come straight home.

I will go postal if they tell me it's gone. POST-AL.

I believe there is a conspiracy and tomorrow--tomorrow is the culmination and moment of truth.

LOL!

Can I Still Call Myself A Blogger???

Really???



I know I still have a menu to plan. I have like 4 tackles that I've done and never posted yet. Tips...I've 4 of those too.



First it started without being able to use my right arm. I couldn't lift it or move it much cause I sort of wanted to die when I did. Finally that went away and Hubs bought me this wonderful gift I *still* haven't told you about and yet...still am using right now.



Then I was hooked on two different games that kept me going because I'm obsessive and HAD to finish them in one sitting.



Then my left arm wouldn't work. Same deal as the right but now on the left.



Which brings me to the big blow up of 2007...



Picture this...



Yesterday morning, we seem to be moving along fine. I send the kids out to the van so I can take them to school. I lock up, so I'm the last one leaving.



I go out to the van...silence. Kids sitting in a row facing the front with smirks.



W.T.F !?!



You might be saying "What's wrong with that?"



Not these kids. Spawn of the Devil Herself. They have been awful, terrible, the worst.



I ask what is going on.



The worst of the bunch of the girls pipes up "Nothing, we just changed seats."



The oldest was not in the van, she was opening the gates for me (oh, yeah...did I mention I have gates now? ARGH...so much unshared!)



That child...if she is awake she is lying.



I looked at the oldest of those who were in the car and she pointed to the one that just told me nothing. I asked what she had done. She said that the Evil One had found presents in the back and showed them...



SHIP!!!*



I had bought a ton of stocking stuffers and totally forgot to bring them in the house, some gifts, etc...



This little witch searched the van when she got in and then went through the stuff and made sure she showed them all.



I.HIT.THE.ROOF.



I can't believe I had forgotten those things because I was soooooo excited about being done and the things I had found. I got about $300 worth of stuff at the Dollar store for 7 kids for only $98.



Disney Princesses, Spiderman, Winnie the Pooh. We are talking good stuff.



It was the last straw. It was so bad I told them it was all going back and I almost even told them there was no Santa!


I can't even begin to describe what they have been putting us through this past month and the boy. I'm not sure what they are going to do with him because I no longer want to adopt him. Even Hubs is at the point where he's saying the boy has to go too if he doesn't change.



He needs help...they aren't getting it for him and my hands are tied. I don't know what to do. Bt the final straw is him carving into his dresser and then attempting to stab two of his sisters with his toothbrush. I can't have a kid like that, he kill us all in our sleep.



Instead, I finally told them I've had enough. I've always told them if they didn't want to be with me then they needed to tell their social worker and I'd have no problem with them going because I wasn't going to try to live with kids who didn't want to be here.



But what do I do when they are hating us for everything their mother and father did to them?



I just leveled with them and told them the truth.



I know what it's like for people to lie to you and tell you bad things about your parents. I was told my mom didn't love me and that she is a snake. To an extent they are both true. But when they were said to me at the age of 5-8 they were said out of hate for my mother.



I told the kids that their mother signed them to me. She signed the paper to send them all to me and that I had agreed that I would help her until she finished her classes and got them back, but she didn't finish her classes. As soon as they came to me she quit. We are stuck with each other whether we like it or not. Whatever problems they have with her are with her and that hubs and I were just trying to help. We didn't take them from anyone. We never planned to have them forever. So, if someone said I took them or "stole" them from their mom it is a lie.



I'll probably get in trouble for telling them that. But did I tell them their mom took her new bf to Disneyland after she had her rights terminated? no. Did I tell them that she's shacking up with any guy who will screw her trying to have replacement kids? no.



I explained to them that I am all they have. I am the only responsible person in their whole entire family who they will give them to. I even explained how I am not entirely related to them either. That's why I am the only one who can keep them.



It was just an awful morning, my arm still wasn't working. I don't know what to do with the stuff now since surely "Santa" can't bring the same stuff that was in the van. Right?



I'm just heartbroken, worn down and tired. All those people who said they didn't want me to wear myself out have disappeared. For the first time in my life I have been asking for help and there is none to be found. Figures.



Today my arm works. I have to make five dentist appointments, five doctors appointments. Hubs just got his flu and pneumonia shots yesterday. But we think he has a UTI so I have to run that down to the lab.



Halloween stuff is put away and Thanksgiving stuff is up. I'm starting to freak out about Christmas.



Some day soon, I hope to share with you my new Bettas. The cool gifts Hubby has given me and just stuff in general. But for now... I will post when I can what I can. (Usually when I write a post like this,I suddenly have time to post.lol)



How are you all doing?

*Have you seen the new carmax commercial?

"Are you shipping me?"

My new way of trying to cut back on my cussing.

I'm crazy like that...

Ok, I know I posted this really depressing post, but I've been to visit some blogs and I don't want to end on a negative note.

So, I will tell you about the people that I met today. I met a man and a woman who were such characters. They came to pick up a tv I was freecycling. They were hilarious. The woman was afraid to pull through my gate because she thought she would take the whole thing down. There was like a foot on each side of her van. It made me think of when I first drove through it last week and I was thinking the same thing.

The second woman I met was cute and funny. She was picking up a toddler bed and mattress from me. I had started to pull the bed out from the van but it got caught on the mattress. I went to the driver's seat and lifted up the mattress. As soon as I did she pulled the bed out and when I turned around from the front seat to help her she was already trying to shove it into her van from the side. It wasn't working so she went around and opened the back where she then preceded to keep trying to shove the bed in. It was funny because she loaded the bed in like three minutes flat. It was cute because she was sooooo excited to get it.

Her mom e-mailed me to thank me and she told me how excited her daughter was to get the bed.

Oh, another cool thing is that I freecycled a blood pressure monitor to a woman who lives like 5 houses down from me. Isn't that crazy? I had just talked to her son about their missing dogs last week and when she came over I recognized her address from the missing dogs. She seems like such a sweet lady too!

Freecycle can be so bittersweet, It's great when the people show and they are all excited. But it sucks when people e-mail with an interest and never show. I have a couple of those. It's too bad so sad for them because I don't freecycle crap. My stuff is still working and comes with manuals and all parts. Heck, I even gave the woman the allen wrench that came with the toddler bed!

HMMM...maybe that's why my house is so cluttered. lol