Don't call them Radishes!

I came across this article while looking for more information...what do you guys think?

A Final Word: Don't Call Them Radishes!

Therapist Gregory Keck, who works with many children with RAD and who wrote the book Helping the Hurt Child, makes an interesting statement about the acronym "R-A-D". He points out that many parents of children with RAD and organizations for children with RAD refer to the children as "Rad Kids" or even "Radishes". Keck wonders what would happen if, at a conference for parents of children with cancer, a mother stood up and said, "I'm a Cancer mom with three Cancer kids! These Cancer kids are really hard to live with! Cancer kids sometimes even cause their parents to get divorced!" Obviously, such words would not be appropriate. But in the case of RAD, this language is often accepted. Keck says that calling a child a "Rad Kid" or "Radish" degrades the child, putting more emphasis on the child and less on the disorder. It refers to the child as if he was the disorder, and as if the disorder was as permanent as hair color or ethnic background.

Keck suggests that we always use the words "Reactive Attachment Disorder" or say the acronym "RAD", instead of saying "Rad", "Rad kid" or "Radish". This puts our focus back on what RAD really is. It is Reactive because the child is reacting to trauma. Attachment is what the child is unable to do as a result. And Disorder suggests that it is something that can be treated. As a person who has worked with children with special needs for years, I think this idea goes along well with the "people first" language. Children with RAD are, after all, children first. 

Link to full article is here.


I've never been comfortable with the term and have used it only twice because I didn't want to give my children's names specifically and never in front of my children, just because I wasn't sure how to explain it.  But I'm not sure I buy into the explanation this author gives... after all when I am talking about RAD, I am talking about my child's RAD behaviors, not my child. My children are totally different when they are regulated and not having RAD behaviors. Personally, I use regulated and dysregulated around them and just found out I should be teaching them those terms. Instead, I've chosen to use stressed out for dysregulated so they can maybe start to identify with words when they are feeling out of sorts. 


BTW, the title of this post isn't my point of view or opinion, I just took it from the section of the article I pasted. 

This moment...

is perfect.

The day not so perfect but the moment I want to capture it and keep it.

Hubs is playing a game on his computer, the oldest is doing her homework, the boy is in his room, CDQ and SS are at the table doing their math. Yes, homeschool started back up today too. lol Poufy...oh that little Poufy, let's just say she's in her room.

It is a nice silence compared to the screaming and raging of Poufy earlier.

I have to say I feel like I'm this clueless person who should have known better or had an idea or something... I can't even articulate what I am feeling because...well, I don't know how.

Last night I was in Facebook trying to become familiar with it and I did a search on RAD. There were some groups and causes. Which led me some how into YouTube...when in youtube, I decided to search RAD there as well and who did I come across? Christine and a video of her children practicing strong sitting.

Ok, this is where I interrupt myself and say "Self, why couldn't you think of searching for this stuff? It's so obvious. Duh." *kicking self*

(side note: I also did some research on pressure sores because Hubs has a couple from the cushion change...who knew all that info was out there?)

(side side note: Did you all know that I have been in the computer field since elementary school?)

So fast forward to this morning... I see Lisa's post of J doing her tapping. I think "I should try these with the kids. When am I going to have time?"

Then about 2 hours later... I think... hey, I am the teacher, I decide what to teach in "school". I'm teaching Cool Down tips, tapping and strong sitting today.

Yes... when it comes to the kids, I feel very slow...mentally and physically. Somehow I formed this mental block that believes that I am a caregiver with rules to follow and I can't step outside the lines. I know it comes from the way we were treated by social workers and everytime I think I've moved past it, I realize it's still there and it drives me crazy. It also stems from the fact that I am Hubs caregiver and I have rules to follow there based on my employment. It's all very gray.

Anyway, I called the kids out, minus Poufy because she preferred to rage and be disrespectful. I sat them down in front of the laptop and I showed them Christine's kids. I explained to them that some of the kids had RAD like they do and that they use this to help them feel better.

They loved seeing Christine's kids. I think it was a connection, they asked if they were adopted too and I told them they were. My kids were sooo excited. I should have taken a picture of their faces. Their smiles were so big. They quickly spread out and started copying the kids on the screen. The boy was nervous as he always is because he is afraid of making mistakes. He'd rather not do something than be wrong. But SS and CDQ where into it.

Next, I had written down the sequence of tapping on the white board and I pulled up J's video of tapping. I told them J was also adopted and had RAD. I think if they didn't know better they would have waved to her. lol I just can't express how much they loved seeing the other kids.

We practiced tapping with J's video and then we did the whole thing on our own. I could tell that the boy was still confused but really wanted to learn it. CDQ was relaxed and SS-- she was so HAPPY. She was jumping around. I asked them how they felt and SS quickly piped up that she loved it and she felt better.

After that we went over the list of cool down ideas over at RADkid.org. We discussed the different tips and talked about starting Journals either this week or next week...because *I* am the teacher. lol We also talked about respect/disrespect and what it means. I was surprised to find out that they didn't know, or that they didn't know that they knew because they didn't make the connections. ( Some of you will probably be shaking your heads because as I am finally sloooowwwly realizing these things, they are just common sense to you. LOL)

I was so proud watching them strong sitting and tapping. I could feel the tension in the house just disappear, even with Poufy yelling and carrying on in the background. It was almost like she wasn't here and it was just the four of us.

The feeling has carried on and the house is in a state of tranquilty right now. Instead of bickering, there is studying and laughter. I'm making Hubs favorite meatball soup and the delicious smell is in the air, the house is warm and cozy and it just feels right (even with Poufy choosing her path!).

Thank you Christine and Lisa! It means a lot for you to share these things with us.


We will definitely be practicing tapping and strong sitting every day.

Watch this...

I tried to embed this but it wouldn't work...damn!

Need some advice.

About a month ago, I guess, I was having issues with the four youngest using the restroom in their bedrooms despite the bathroom being less than 5 feet away from each of their rooms. I believe it was Torina who suggested the buckets which have worked. In fact, they worked so well, the kids decided they wanted to use them for the most part. I wasn't too happy with that but at least it wasn't the carpet, the mattresses or the walls. We thought if we made them responsible for emptying and cleaning their buckets it would get old. So far, not so.

Then tonight, I hear CDQ asking to empty her bucket. I'm peeved about it because why in the hell do they just not go to the toilet? That room is RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the bathroom. So, I go to ask yet again, why they can't just go in the toilet. But I find CDQ huddled in the corner behind a dresser with the bucket and Poufy sitting with her cover on watching.

I didn't know that CDQ had the bucket. I thought maybe she had stolen something and was hiding/hoarding it.

I asked her what it was. She said nothing, then Poufy said CDQ put water in the bucket to drink it.

I couldn't speak.

CDQ started accusing Poufy of "making" her do it. But I don't think Poufy was into doing that from the look on her face when I entered the room. In fact I can safely say that tonight it was NOT Poufy's plan to do that.

When I was finally able to regain my speech, I told CDQ I knew she was lying so she just confirmed it with the fake crying and starting to go into meltdown mode. She told me the boy and SS were doing it too. I basically raced across to the other room and asked them where they denied it with the appropriate amount of disgust.

Thank God.

They told me that CDQ had done it yesterday.

I'm surprised she's not sick. I'm at a loss. We tried giving them water bottles in their rooms so they could have water whenever they needed or wanted, but that backfired. They used it as a means to use the restroom everywhere in their rooms and to be out stealing. So then we let them have it only during the day in their rooms, taking them away an hour before bedtime. But I caught one of the kids squirting the water from the water bottle up into her private and the others seem to think it was there so they can have water fights or to soak the carpet, pillow, mattress, etc... So we took water bottles away from them and keep them on the table allowing them to get a drink every hour or when ever they ask. We just supervise them to make sure they aren't stealing. Which is the same thing with the bathroom, but they say they don't have to go because they've been using the buckets.

I don't know what to do. I've been busy preparing for the Girl Scout ceremony, not feeling so great and my husband has been having health issues so we slipped up some this week. I guess it wouldn't have happened if I had been there quicker. I can only think that the bucket did not need to be emptied and that's how she was able to fill it and return it so quickly. Hubs told her she could empty it, I was turning off the iron and I was already half way down the hall when I heard her calling through the intercom if she could come hug hubs goodnight. That must have been a cover up and I thought it was odd and remarked about it as I passed Hubs on the way to their room.

I've thought about telling them I want them to use the buckets and see if the ODD will kick in and they won't want to use it anymore. I'm afraid of what I am going to find in their room tomorrow.

The other thing, Poufy was doing great. So great, I mentioned to Hubs not Poufy that I thought maybe we should put her in Girl Scouts again. I think this triggered her to regress. I don't understand it because she WANTS this. So, I'm trying to figure out do I just put her in it and see how it goes or by her doing this does it mean she's not ready to go back to Girl Scouts?

I just don't know what to do or what I did wrong or anything anymore I guess.

I did explain to all of them like they were 2 and maybe didn't know that it was not an appropriate thing to do. Using the bucket or drinking from it. I told them it was for strict emergencies (maybe that was my mistake?). I told them they could get really sick and die from drinking that stuff. Which I've explained to them when they contaminated the dogs water like two weeks ago. I told them it was the same thing. NO one should drink or eat that.

Help... please. Advice? I'm trying to understand but finding it VERY hard.

Talking about disruption...

I've been reading on the net a lot since I've seen the traffic come through from my post on the 20/20 RAD show.

Mainly following links to the searches people did to come to my blog. At first, I just wanted to throw my laptop across the room because it's so frustrating to read the words of people who have no clue.

Especially those who think it's "all about you". Yes, parents of RAD children will talk about themselves because just how much of what your RAD kid does can you share or better yet, should you share? So, at least for me, I end up talking about me and my feelings a lot on my blog. To the point where I have counted the number of "I"s in a post and even not posted at all.

Parenting RAD children is a huge blow to a person's health. I know there are people out there who are getting on just fine. But those are the people who already know the ropes. I think I can say for the rest of us who had never heard of RAD and were suddenly faced with these children who had problems that even psychologists couldn't diagnose, RAD wears you down and tears you apart.

For myself, I have gained 40 lbs since the kids were placed with me. Not to overeating but actual stress and lack of sleep. I have clumps of hair falling out everyday. Fistfuls. I get severe chest pains, so painful I can't even breathe sometimes. I think I can safely add depression to this list as well. I've even had thoughts of suicide, even though it's something I know I will never do. I have turned my back on God several times and I've just turned into this person that I don't want to be.

Some can say that I am weak but most that know me, know that isn't true. I've dealt with difficult kids. But never anything like this before. I've been through a lot of things that the kids have been through. I thought maybe that's why God had placed them here with me, because I could relate.

I never set out to adopt. This started as helping out a family member. But then, these kids, my kids, they are my family and they had no one else in the world to go to. No one else responsible enough, no one else who made it out. I thought I did all the right things to secure their needs before the adoption. They weren't like this...before.

I am at the point where I have no help. I tried and tried and I've been tossed from one person to the next. I just feel like my kids are spiraling downward and downward and there's nothing left that I can do to help...that is except disruption. Then people will be forced to help them. At least that's what it seems like. No one is listening. People who are supposed to help, have no clue and they keep telling me the wrong things. These things just make things worse.

But tonight, I found more blogs and more people with kids like mine who are doing the things that I am doing and it's working. Slowly but surely, it's working for them and it's the right thing to do. WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Disruption or dissolution isn't a thing that people do when they didn't get what they wanted. I can't believe that's why disruption happens. I think it happens when you feel that you can't help the child(ren) anymore and it's in their best interest. When you feel like you are going to break and you've tried everything and then some. Disruption isn't about lack of love for the child(ren) either. It's about loving them so much you let them go and being able to admit that they need something more than you can give. Of course, it seems like we will never be enough but I'm talking about the things that they need that can't be provided.

I've talked about disrupting because up until days ago, I thought two of my kids were in the category of what they call "failure to thrive". I didn't believe it was all their disorders, I thought it was the placement. I thought it was me. I was screwing them up and causing them to be this way.

My kids hid their RAD for over a year and a half. They started to unravel shortly after their one and only visit with their mother, before that they were happy and adjusting well- no stealing, lying, fighting, meltdowns. None. The boy was the only one with food issues.

There were nightmares and questions, lots of questions we weren't allowed to answer. As for the visit, I don't know what she said or did to them. All I know is that the oldest started telling them to act as bad as they could and they would get to go back with their mom. She told them that because she wanted to be an only child. I also know they were hurt because their mom wouldn't put down her cell phone at the visit. That's all they kept saying to each other about the visit. Maybe it was a revelation to them.....they would never come first. I will never know what triggered all hell to break loose.

At any rate, days ago, I read about other kids and they have the SAME behaviors. I shared something like Poufy and the Ensure drinks and people responded like it was normal. It's a normal thing and other RAD moms even offered up alternative solutions! I watched the girl on 20/20 meltdown and I saw CDQ.

But the only way I know how to get help is to put things out there on this blog. To ask hard questions for a public forum where some people will get their panties in a wad. But if it helps my kids it will be what I have to do. I don't have respite workers or attachment therapists, or anyone. Just my husband and I. Disruption isn't something on our mind so much any more. If this is "normal" than we are ok. We aren't causing more damage to the kids. Which was our main concern.


So for now, we will keep chugging along and see where we end up. I still can't say that this won't be my biggest regret in life... but we will see how it turns out.

Things that need to be said...

I just watched the 20/20 show tonight on foreign adoptions and reactive attachment disorder. I made the mistake of going to the website and noticing the comments section.

Quite frankly, it's amazing how many people think they have all the answers and just how far up their heads are lodged in their asses.

They talk of "Typical American Naivety", yet they don't understand how on the flipside of the coin, those of us with RAD children can see them as those typical naive americans as well.

We did the neuropsychological evaluations, we tried to find out the kids backgrounds, we did therapy, we asked for help. We did everything we could. Not because we wanted "perfect children" but because we wanted to make sure we could provide what the kids need. After all, if we weren't going to be any better than their biological parents, why bother?

These kids are my family. They are my nieces and nephew from my screwed up half sister. I called CPS year after year and nothing. In fact, only two of my calls were ever documented and I was told it was the mother's perogative to have her children living out of a car with a drug addict.

Our kids problems didn't surface until after a year and a half and they didn't escalate until after the adoption. When I started to voice my concerns I was threatened that they would be taken from me. Yes, for asking for help.

Then I was reassured that it was normal. It would pass. But after finding out my kids had RAD through a post from a person on my blog and reading about RAD. It's not true.

I battle with being able to handle these children, I wonder if I am doing the right thing for them when I can't give them what they need. There is a place that can help them for $250 a day for 18 months. I have 4 kids with RAD. How am I supposed to do that? Had I known they were going to need that I would have fought for it BEFORE the adoption when they are wards of the state and the state is required to pay for them. I wouldn't have adopted them because I would have known that I wouldn't be able to pay for their treatment therefore be unable to help them in the way that they needed. It's truly about the kids and their needs.

This is my family. My blood and it kills me to have to think that I can't do this. I can't keep the family together. I don't think it's much different for non relatives but I can't understand how there's no accountability.

People really need to keep their mouths shut when they can't understand. This life...it isn't a life at all. It's not that any one expects perfection and there is no true preparation for RAD or PTSD, ODD or any of the others. It is the responsibility of the agency to provide training for these types of things. They are failing the children and the parents by not doing so.

For me, everyday is a day of mourning for my kids. They are so young and they have been through so much and no matter what I do, I can't tell if I am getting through. If I am doing the right things, or if I am making it worse. They have lost their childhood and I foolishly believe it's something I can try to give back to them. But they won't let me. They aren't living. They are constantly struggling. It hurts more than words can ever express to see them this way and to feel so helpless and worthless because I am unable to get through, to reach them, or to let them know it's ok.

The things that were said about that family by people who have no clue and those who should know better are just plain ridiculous. RAD needs to be put out there, it needs to be addressed and something needs to be done about it before many more families are damaged beyond repair.

Wow! Has It Really Been That Long?

These days between blogging sure went by fast!

Well, the first week of school flew by fast. Funny enough the headline in the paper two days after my last post was that the bus agency was going to hire a security guard...go figure. Today when I left to drop the kids off at school the neighborhood kids were still standing out there, when I got back parents were taking them off to school. The bus company out here is the only one and it is independently opened. It sucks.

This morning Hubs got a call 5 minutes after school started. I wasn't quite home yet because we live about 7 minutes away. It was the boy's teacher. The boy said we weren't feeding him. He wanted to go to the cafeteria. I can think of some choice words to post here because of my anger. Hubs was even more pissed since he sits with them and watches them eat, trying to teach them to eat like civilized people and not like animals. Literally. If only you knew. Those with RAD kids know the grossness I am talking about.

At any rate, I started this post 4 hours ago. I thought I'd pop into my website account with The Oldest's School (where I am a troop leader) and add some Girl Scout Information, that was hours ago and I finally got a rough outline going of what I want. sheesh!

Back to school night is (now)tonight. I will be meeting parents as a GS leader for the first time. *blankly staring around the room* I hope I don't do that tonight. lol

I'll have to update about the house another time. Also, about Poufy's doctor appointment today. She may have Grave's Disease or Hashimoto's something or other. I'm not going to stress until her bloodtests come back.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Proud Mommy Moment #1

Today CDQ had a major meltdown. Kicking, screaming, throwing things, etc... She put on a good show.

She was holding up dinner. I told her she could stay in her room until she could control herself and come back to dinner. She wasn't having it, so I sent her to her room instead of letting it be a choice. She went off. I told her if she didn't stop she would just go straight to bed. She kept sassing me and I told her I wasn't going to take it, good night.

She continued and the other kids were waiting to say the prayer to eat.

I gave up, I decided to call her on it and do what the social worker had suggested months ago. I took her outside. I told her if she wanted to put on a show for everyone and to keep embarrassing her brother and sisters she could just go outside and show the neighborhood kids (who all happened to be outside in front of our house riding bikes.) I told everyone else to start dinner and I had to drag her out and she totally changed her tune outside but not in a good way. She started to scream "I'm hungry!' over and over again. Lovely.

Fortunately, the neighborhood didn't seem to even care. But to her little narcissist self the WHOLE WORLD was watching. She kept demanding things from me and at first I was feeding into it for about 5 rounds of "I want to eat.", "I want a kid who doesn't throw tantrums." and the "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't know why you are in trouble." She couldn't do it. I finally said I wasn't going to hear her anymore. I was done.

I told her to walk to the end of the property and walk back. She argued so I nudged her forward and she kept looking back. The first time she was still bawling, the second time there was scowling and the third time there was sniffing. I met her the third time and we walked together the fourth time. She was calm enough for me to talk to her and I told her that she looked more like my CDQ now.

I asked her again if she knew why she was in trouble. She said she did and told me why. I asked her where the CDQ was that kept all those feelings in check and she said she didn't know. I told her that I had tried to help her and she wouldn't hear me. The whole time I had my arm around her as I talked to her. I told her that she almost broke her glasses and her headband and I can't understand why since I know how much she loves that headband. She looked really sad and she said "I know."

When we stopped back at the front of the house. I gave her a hug and it was so sad because she started crying again but as I hugged her I could feel her sobs and they weren't anger, but just pure pain. I rubbed her hair and told her it was going to be ok. I told her we don't like to see her sad or hurt and that we love her but she has to start realizing that she's hurting people.

I just don't get this RAD. I know she's in pain but I can't help much because I don't know why and she doesn't really seem to know why either. It sucks.

Before we came in, I told her that she had to apologize to her Dad and her brother (who she scared with her fit) and to let her brother know that she did something wrong and that it's not ok to act like that ( because Lord knows I don't need him to pick that stuff up from her!)

I also told her that I wasn't going back on what I said about dinner because I gave her plenty of warnings and a chance to cool off. I told her that I will make sure she has a little extra for breakfast though.

She came in and did just that, she brushed her teeth and got her pj's on and she was back to the old happy and bossy CDQ.

*phew*

We made it, the right actions and choices were made. I was so nervous to take her outside. But she kept pushing until I had no choice. But it all worked out in the end.

Attaching In Adoption

I've been reading the book Attaching In Adoption by Deborah D. Gray.

I was going to post about the stages of grief and how, as the parent, I can so relate to the parent stages of grief but anyhow, I will save that for another time because at the moment, I am struck by one of the stories in the book.

My children have definitely been traumatized, they all suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But when I read the anecdote about Melody/Melanie. I had to reread it again.

On Pg. 116 it states "Eight-year-old Melody's story follows a typical order: work on attachment,then on trauma, and finally on grief."

Whoa!

My kids have been consistently working on trauma and grief. So could it be my initial feeling that we needed to attach and bond before they could actually work on the trauma and grief be spot on?

They tell the story of Melanie's mom, specifically-- "They dropped all outside activities in order to slow life down."

But wait...hold the phone...

Pg.117

"Meeting basic needs for comfort is always a good place both to begin and to come back to when helping children through trauma. Slowing down the pace of life is key. Traumatized children already have more than they can deal with."

Hmmm. I think I might have heard that somewhere. Oh, hell...didn't I just tell that to the therapist? I feel like we need to be home, we need to be together, they need me. We need to bond first.

Wasn't our week home proof that we need to do this and wasn't I right about them acting up because we were returning to what currently was causing them issues--therapy?

She wants me to hold them and put lotion on them and to read to them, etc... but as I told her, how can I do that when I come home, make dinner, they get showers and it's already bed time? Where do I schedule it in when the only thing we are doing is seeing the therapist? There are 5 of them, as she keeps reminding me.

But I'm a bad mother who isn't gonna be nothing but a caregiver, right?

I so can't wait until this week is over.

This is what I needed. I knew something had to give and I was so worried about making a mistake. I'm just going to follow my heart because apparently it's not that broken after all.

PS...things might be looking up in the neighborhood. I was so blatantly nosy because I needed to know that the punk across the street was really moving out. I mean he brought all the gang crap to our neighborhood and I'm really counting on his leaving meaning that he is taking it with him.

His pregnant girlfriend came and I couldn't tell if she was dropping stuff off or picking up. I told Hubs she has to be picking up because that's the way it works. The loser boyfriend always moves in with the girl. Sure enough, they were packing his 7 things up and they took off. Please oh please...let them work and let them relocate some place else and let the house across the street return to the nonexistence that it was before that boy hit puberty. Oh and please don't let the people who stayed keep the crap up. Amen.

Yesterday I cried...

Well, actually last night when I finally got a chance to check my e-mail.

A person named Christine posted on my blog. A person who is learning and dealing with RAD just as we are.

I visited her blog to find another blog which had links and links of blogs. Reading some of Christine's posts (especially the one with the picture of her living room and description of her kitchen) and reading some of the posts from the Living With RAD blog helped me see I am not alone. The latter blog was like reading someone's notes about our house and the kids. Seeing that the things I've stumbled upon for solutions aren't all foreign and don't make me an ogre, a pig or the worse mother ever.

I've googled RAD, I've searched Blogs for adoption but it never occurred to me to search blogs for RAD. I don't know why.

I've been reading book after book about kids who don't fit ours and how to deal with them. I'm tired.

Thanks Christine for chiming in. You don't know how much it means to me to have this new world opened up.

Yesterday was a good day. I think it was a good day because I spent the whole day at home with my family. They worked in their workbooks and I was there to keep them on task. I made them lunch and I made them dinner. I monitored them the way they needed to be monitored. Plus, we had trouble from the start of the day and I was able to nip that in the bud.

CDQ woke up in a mood. I could tell she didn't get much sleep and everyone else was going to pay for it so I sent her to "rest" some. Well, their equivalent of rest was sleep. So Poufy told CDQ that she needed to scratch up her face and it would look like she slept.

Well what happened was she really did scratch up her face. When I asked her about it she said she was itchy. Her eyes were droopy (because she was pretending to have slept) and I thought she was having an allergic reaction. I busted out with the Benadryl and told her to get some sleep.

Fact is, she ended up with a fever after I gave her the medicine and she was whiny I thought she was getting sick. I told her she needed rest. No outside, nothin'. She kept trying to tell me she was fine. She was sooo whiny until she finally told me the truth before lunch. Good times.

I will never know what is going through their heads.

I'm hoping to post pics of all that I have been working on. It's been a lot. I've kinda been set back because Hubs woke up at 2 am throwing up. EW! I hate that so much. I have to hold the bucket and clean it up. He's ok now but it went on all night up until about noon. I will have to get him up out of bed soon.

I'm tired. How about you? What did you do this weekend? Humor me.