My mom made me do it! That or it was the cricket's fault!

Ok, I wrote this looooong post and went to add pictures and my browser froze and even though I had saved my post before I clicked to add pictures when I brought it all back up it was gone. $$%^^&!

I thought I would share my pee story with you instead. Aren't I great?  I just hope it isn't one of those you had to be here for it to be funny moments.  *blush*  Most of us talk about our kids peeing issues but I'm going to put mine out there.

So, this is what happened. I *hate* crickets. I mean really really do not like them. But I feel like they sense this or something and purposely come to where ever I am at to bug me.

It started out innocently enough, I heard a cricket in my bathroom and I was telling my mom how I loathe them and how they are out to get me and she rolled her eyes at me basically dismissing me, but not 15 minutes later, I could have SWORN the cricket was behind my recliner.

I got up and went to find my mom to prove my point. When she came to my room, she went near my recliner and she thought she heard it behind my recliner too. So she gets on my recliner, knees first and leans forward on the back part of the recliner. She's leaning saying something to me when the recliner tips forward and quite literally her FACE is plastered to the wall.  I mean she is kissing the wall, her legs are flailing all around because the recliner has opened and the part for your feet is now up near my waist. Her face coming in contact with the wall is what stopped her from tipping completely over.

I am standing there basically just taking it all in dumbfounded when that little voice in my head tells me to push down on the foot part of the recliner ( I don't know why I was operating in slow motion. lol!). I push it down and her face comes away from the wall.  The first thing she says is, "I think I broke my glasses!"

Between the feet flailing and the way she said that, I lost it. I started laughing uncontrollably and that's when it happened. Less than 10 ft away from the bathroom. I did a mad dash, but I was too late. *blush*

1.) I didn't even have to pee.
2.) I now call my mom "The Pee Whisperer"

I'm telling you.  She has made my sisters pee several times. Even her friends. Her friend L, who she used to hang out with all the time peed herself so many times.  She peed on a dance floor in a club, a cab in Mexico, on a cruise... my mom does some stupid things. I don't think all the people she knows have weak bladders.

I hadn't peed myself in decades until then. UGH! Last time she almost got me, we were in a Target. She was smelling lotions and soaps.  She opened a bottle of shampoo (I think it was) and she couldn't smell it, so she squeezed it a little except it shot up onto the front of her shirt. If that wasn't bad enough. She was standing there trying to rub it off her shirt when she created a LATHER right there on the chest part of her shirt. Holy cow! I was laughing so hard I was crying and then I decided I better walk away from her before she did something else!

Oh gosh, I almost forgot like a week later when we were emptying the storage of her stuff she almost made me wet myself completely again. We were trying to load her table into my van and it's the kind that  spreads apart to add more wood slats to make it bigger. Well I was picking it up from the bottom and she decided to pick it up from the legs. Except when she grabbed the legs and lifted she caught her shirt and some of her belly skin in the space between the two ends.

What was funny was she was yelling at me to put it down when I didn't even have it yet and it was her who was squeezing the two ends of the table together by the legs and pinching her belly skin. So, imagine this...the top flat side of the table is up against her and she has one hand on each of the legs, when she picks it up she squeezes the legs together pushing the two halves tightly together on her belly pinching herself.

I yelled at her to put it down and she did then she rips her shirt up under her chin to see her belly, exposing herself in the process. She was wearing a bra of course, but still. She's pointing out the red streak going down her belly and all this in front of a security camera that was pretty much facing our storage unit. They must've got an eye-full from us that day. lol!

I IM'd Hubbins what happened and he wanted me to ask for the footage. *rolling eyes* He wanted to send it to the funny video show.

So there it is....I'm worried I might become the next "Whisperer" because not too long ago, I did something that made the oldest pee her pants. I wish I could remember what it was... I think a cricket might have been involved.

My Wish Book

I've had this book for a month or so and I've spent a minute here and there looking through it.  

I still haven't gone through the whole book, but right off the top I know I want to make this Mickey cake for my 35th birthday.  I had a huge Mickey cake for my first birthday made in the same way with the star tip and I figure what the heck. It's another milestone, isn't it? 

I saw these cute little cakes and thought my girls would love them. I'm thinking I might turn it into a homeschool cooking assignment. I can teach them how to bake a cake (math), color (art) and roll fondant (geometry?), etc.... Plus, I can totally see how I can change this up for the boy. He can make Lightning McQueen from Cars out of one of these too! 

Lastly, I saw this wedding cake. Hubbins and I didn't have one.  But I just loved this cake. 

When Hubbins and I got together, I had my calico and he had his german shepherd. This one is so simple and cute. Maybe it's time Hubbins and I did a little family reception (we have plenty of people in our house. lol) or something. The whole wedding thing probably should have been postponed (for like the 5th time) but I had enough of it and set a date at the beginning of the year.  Turns out all my kids were being baptized the weekend before the date I had chosen and I had to make all their dresses, so my stuff was put on the back burner. We were having hard times financially back then because of promises that were made when the children were placed and then reneged on after they told us to move forward and spend our money because it would all be paid back in time for things like our mortgage and food. 

Of course, I don't regret marrying Hubbins but there are some things I do regret.  I chose our witnesses.  Had I known our situation with the kids and such was going to be too much for them to handle, I would have chose otherwise.  The day of our wedding is the last day I saw them.  At the time, I had wanted to give them a gift and some money for the gas they spent coming up.  My gifts are handmade and I didn't get them done in time because I was really on the edge of everything and wasn't sure if the wedding date was still going to be.  I didn't have the money then either. I requested an address several times and no response. This year, I spent the money I had aside because I gave up on the friendship. At this point, it seems so one-sided anyway. I used to chalk it up to the way they were.  But I was that way too and I made an exception...sooo. 

I think it's time to start making some good memories and stop focusing on all that we have lost.  I need to let go of the guilt.  I believe it's my fault Hubbins didn't get a traditional wedding and that everything sucked for him too. My family, my friends.... sometimes I feel like because of me his life has been taken too. 

Wow, where did all that come from...and to think, this book is fun for me. LOL! 

Anyhow, don't know if I am allowed to publish these pics but they all came from the Wilton Yearbook 2011 that I have pictured at the top. If you're someone from Wilton and this is a problem, just let me know and I'll take them down.  :-) 

Saturdays with Scrawnie

I love reading William's blog.  He has a brother named Russell who reminds me of my brain dead bro Rusty. Rusty's gone. Mom said I must've gave him the wrong directions to home so he would never come back. Um, I have no comment on that. Well, actually...take a look at this face, would I do something like that? Really??

Mom calls it my "Emo cat calendar pic"because I look like everything is just so tragic.  Mom's always telling me I could be a  model. You know the kind that model for cat calendars and cat food? I don't know about that.  I don't really think I need to work or anything.  I find the whole topic of work to be the funniest thing ever.

This is me when mom told me to get a job. 

For Mother's day Mom got a Nikon D5000. She practices taking pictures of me every now and then around 3 or 4 in the morning when everyone is sleeping and she can't fall asleep. I think that's why most of my pics come out like this.

I was trying to smile but my eyes were soooo tired. Aren't there like cat labor laws for this stuff?

So tired. 

Just get it over with. 

Sometimes I try really hard. These are my Betty Davis eyes...can't you see the resemblance?

This is me. 

This is Betty.

Almost can't tell who is who, right?


Anyhow, at Williams blog, Russell has a whole day to himself on Tuesdays. I decided I wanted to share my beauty blog too. But... I'm not as reliable.  I mean, I'm 11 years old and set in my ways.  Ya know?

So maybe I'll see you next Saturday and maybe I won't...

I'm off to take a nap, I never know how late mom will have me up 'til. *yawn*

Hurting for a friend...

I think most of my readers read the same blogs as I do but if you haven't read Lisa's story, now is the time to click on over there and send a few prayers her way.

She and J (her oldest daughter)  have been a godsend to so many of us who are parenting children with RAD. Her willingness to share what she has learned has helped my children so much.  When I was at a crossroads it was Lisa's other blog and the information that was there for FREE that helped me to set my children towards a healing path.  Her support was truly the only direct support I had.  It was at a time when I thought I would have to dissolve our adoption to get my children the help they needed.

Now, it's Lisa who needs all the support she can get. Now she may be at that same crossroads because of a system that has failed and the need to get her child the help she needs.

It shouldn't be this way.

I deserve it!

That's what the oldest (14 years old) says in her defense every time I catch her stealing.

I caught her again. This time she stole from Hubbins, myself AND her grandmother.

Beautiful, huh?

She's not even diagnosed with RAD, but I think she should've been.

Of course she thinks she knows everything since she came from the "streets" and all.  It's more like the cul-de-sac.   Look, I know she wasn't in a great or even good environment but I know she hasn't seen anything yet. What scares me is she thinks she's seen hardcore stuff and that she can carry her own.  But she really hasn't and she can't.

I laid it out for her tonight because I've had it.

Bottom line, she sabotages herself and blames me for it.

She stole my cd player, my cds, someone's mp3 player, her grandma's gum and several books of mine. Oh, and of course, batteries.

She owns 2 mp3 players, she owns a ton of cds, she owns a charger and rechargeable batteries, she had already read the books she took and the gum puzzles me since she has that root tip that was left behind from her root canal and wanted to die 3 weeks ago because she had an infection...but whatever.

So at 14, I thought it was about time I set her straight.  I told her to tell me why she thought she deserved those things.  She went on and on about how she does a lot around here. Which she does, however, I had to point out what exactly it is that she does.

One of her chores is to clean the kitchen, the other is to feed the dogs in the morning (food only, the boy does the water) and the third is to help me with Hubbins. The latter started when Hubbins had to stay in bed for his sores. We all used to eat together. He's still in bed and can't get up yet.  I used to eat with him in here and the kids ate in the kitchen, that didn't work, so then we tried them eating on our bedroom floor like a picnic...that didn't work either. Then we tried one kid at a time and that took forever.  So now the oldest eats with Hubbins and I would stay in the kitchen supervising the other kids as they ate. Ya know, making sure they didn't steal or eat so fast they choked. Things like that. I didn't realize she was put out with this arrangement because she's been more than happy to sit here and eat dinner away from the other kids while watching tv.  So, I think the Hubbins thing was an after thought, especially the way she back pedaled with that one.

Anyhow, I pointed out how the kitchen wasn't clean.  It wasn't and hasn't been properly cleaned. When I can, I go in there and do what I can before my hands are worthless, but I'm not happy with it.

I told her if it was about her chores she had to find another reason to blame me because I obviously wasn't on her back about it.

I guess, I should step back and explain. The oldest has lost her privileges one at a time over and over again. Mp3 players, cd players, journals...

This is what is happening.  She's supposed to be doing homeschool and instead she is goofing off writing love stories or listening to her music. She lost her mp3 player privileges because she was listening to music instead of doing school work. She got it back and then she did it again, so she had it taken away for a longer period of time. Then right before she was supposed to get it back, I discovered she had stolen Hubbins mp3 player...so definitely no mp3 player back. In the meantime, she also stole THREE cd players and batteries.  So no private music. They still had music at playtime etc...

Therapist said it was ok to cut back on school work for CDQ because it was hard to study with all that's going on. I applied it to all my kids. The oldest has only had 20 spelling words to work on. Back then I gave her three days to do it. Define the word and a sentence. At this point I should mention she is doing 6th grade work and she is supposed to be in 9th grade.

So, her work has been cut down to basically 40 spelling words a week and that's it. This is around the time I was having really bad flareups. She told Hubbins I was checking her sentences and he was giving her the spelling tests.  I thought he had taken over the whole spelling thing for me. Of course it came out that she wasn't doing her work. To try and make a long story short she was painting her nails and writing love stories. This after I had already taken several notebooks from her for not doing her work before.

So, back to her thinking she deserved stuff.  I told her fine, look you have two mp3 players, you have this and you have that....all the things you asked for.  If we didn't think you deserved them, would we have got them for you?  *crickets*

I told her what it boils down to is SHE doesn't think she deserves it and she's sabotaging herself just like the other kids do.

I asked her if her loss of privileges had anything to do with chores, since she had brought it up.

No.

I asked her to remember what she had lost her stuff for.

Stealing and lying.

Right.

She was crying because she saw what I was saying and couldn't understand why she did these things.

I told her I didn't think she was anything like her bio mom but I thought she might have picked up something from her and I wanted her to think things through.  I am not to blame for her situation. I have met her more than half way many times.  I pointed it all out to her and I asked her to deny it if she could, to tell me whatever parts I was missing or not understanding.

At 14, I felt she was strong enough to face the truth and would be unable to deny it. I also hope in doing so that she will open her eyes and see what she does.  She said she didn't want to think about it. I told her at some point she's going to have to because it's obvious that she's limiting herself.

We will see what happens.  I hope she opens her eyes. She has so much going for her if she would just believe in herself.

PS. Oh yeah, she told me the minute she walked into my house she had intentions of stealing from me. Isn't that lovely?

Fantasy Vs. Reality: Senior Style

I haven't had much time to blog, so I hadn't had the time to post about my grandmother's (G) fantasy.

See she said she was ready to go back and get her stuff and come back here to move. 

I'm reluctant, because, well if you knew G. It's a drastic measure and she changes her mind all the time. 

Anyhow, the fantasy slipped out...because she wants to buy herself some beautiful shoes, and a beautiful pants suit and some beautiful jewelry. 

The reason- she wants to get off the car (her words) and show them how well she is doing.  

Yep, she wants to show off.  10 lbs lighter, blood sugar better (but not regulated), clearer minded. 

I don't know if I'm more surprised that she's having that fantasy or that it's still a fantasy to be had. 

I'm not ready to send her back yet. I don't think she's strong enough. She still needs to have her blood sugar regulated, her missing teeth replaced, new glasses and a good pair of custom diabetic shoes before I think she should be going anywhere if she must go.  That's not even mentioning a better health and prescription plan.  Even then, I worry about what they will do to her when she gets back.

I know she's proud. But I also found out it's not just the immediate family that's been taking from her. Apparently, some of her sisters and their kids have had their turn with G's money. It's so disgusting. G doesn't even get that much and like leeches they smelled blood. 

When I first found out about all this, I told G she should just let them stick the money up their you know whats but she wants her money. I guess I can understand. Lord knows she broke her back day in and day out earning it. Walking to work and home....

Take care of your affairs, assume the worst and plan for it. That's the lesson I am learning. 

1-0!

That is the number of years the judge gave the kids for their restraining order to remain in effect!

Can you believe it?

I was floored!

A weight has been lifted!

I couldn't wait to come home and tell the kids. I wanted to do it in person.  They were so happy.  It's the first justice they've been given since all this has started.

I read them the restraining order and explained what each part meant. I saw a genuine smile from CDQ.  After all I had explained to them in their terms, the boy still had to verify that she indeed could NOT come in contact with them in any form (the judge crossed out the except portion and wrote in NO EXCEPTIONS!).

Afterwards, SS came into my room and clung to me. Her hands were soooo cold.  She must've been so scared. They knew when I left where I was going.

I knew what this restraining order would mean for me and my ability to protect them. But I didn't know it meant so much to them as well.

So today, we have a restraining order party.  Pizza and cupcakes and maybe a little swimming in the pool.

*deep breath*
I can breathe again and in some ways, I suspect they can too.

Quick Post- Pressure Sores

I noticed someone came to my site looking for the answer for :

"Can Pressure Sores Kill?"

YES! They are very dangerous because they get infected so easily and they often occur in places that are hard to keep clean or to keep pressure off of.  They also usually occur in the elderly or those with compromised health and mobility like Hubbins (Hubbins has Quadriplegia).  The tunneling pressure sores are really bad because they can go to the bone and cause a bone infection (osteomyelitis). But as in all infections they can go septic (into the blood stream) and kill.

I'm not a doctor or a nurse, just a caregiver for my Hubbins.  There are probably other ways that pressure sores can kill but these are two that I am very aware of.

Please make sure you get a home health nurse or someone to keep an eye on your sores. It's very very very important.

Oh yeah, did I mention how important it is to have treatment for pressure sores? ;-)

Hope this helps. I know how hard it is to find information about these things.

Heartbreak

At least that's how it mostly feels.

The kids seem to be going through a second honeymoon phase now that my mom is here. I kind of thought it was going to go that way. Honeymoon is ending, but nothing I can't handle.

Right now it is my grandmother (g) that is weighing heavy on my heart.  She's doing excellent or she was until yesterday.

My heart is heavy because just yesterday she wanted me to change her address, just yesterday she wanted to get to work on getting her a better insurance plan. She told me she was happy here and very comfortable. If I had written a post yesterday it would have been all about how my home is a safe haven for people, but I didn't get a chance to write.

I'm not sure what changed. She spoke to one of my aunts. My aunt filled her in on the drama that is going on back at g's house. My mom and I are being accused of stealing from g.  It's the farthest thing from the truth. But the drama is getting heavy out there and it's all by the very people who were stealing from her.  Her husband and one of her sons and his wife have threatened through the grapevine that they are going to show up here and take her back.

They don't have my address. But they will in a few days because of an address change I did for her yesterday. They are going to send a confirmation to her house. Those people have been opening her mail and reading her statements, etc...

It was so sad, last night she thought she saw a man in my house and then she thought she saw one outside the window. She was scared and stressed. She started regressing. She said she knows she shuts down when she gets nervous. She didn't sleep well.  All because of them.

What pisses me off the most is that these so called concerned people have not asked once about her health. It's been all about g's money. I wish there was some way I could stop them. G thinks she is strong enough to face them but I'm afraid she isn't.  She never has been and that's why they do the things they do.

I thought everything was fine. We went and picked up some of my mom's stuff from storage since she's moving her things in a little at a time and when we got home G told my mom that they were going to the stores tomorrow and then the next day my mom was taking her home.

I was so confused.  I asked her why she was leaving and she said she had to get her things back there. I wasn't sure what she meant. I asked her about the address change and stuff she wanted me to do just the night before.  I told her it was going to take a bit to get all that switched because I just started.

I guess she hadn't thought about that. But we had just talked about getting her medicare straightened and a new prescription plan and finding a doctor to recommend her for the diabetes shoe program I found out about.

She said she still wants to do those things and then she will go get her stuff.

I clarified on her stuff because she kept saying get them. So I asked what her plan was. She said she has to move here. I asked her why she said  "have" and she smiled at me.  I told her that I didn't want her to feel like she "had" to move here.  She repeated that she wanted to get her stuff and that she's happy here.

So, I told her if she wanted to move here, I could take the stuff I just started moving into the old homeschool room that I was making into a sewing room out of there and she could have that room. I told her to just let me know.

Then she made me so sad. She told me this is the best time she had in her life and that we had a lot of fun and that she was really happy here. She was talking past tense.  I don't know what that means.  Then she told me that I haven't seen the last of her and that I am not going to get rid of her so easily.  She was laughing and smiling the whole time.

I'm .so. confused.

I am also so scared for her to go back.  I'm scared she'll back down.  I'm scared they will take over and shut her down again.  I'm scared for my mom to go and help her get her stuff back.

I wish I knew what to do or how I could help her.  If she really just wants her stuff and just wants to move here, I have let her know she always has a place here. But the way she came here, the condition she was in. I can't in good conscience let her go back to that without reporting it.

Her bank statements that have come show that my grandfather was using her card all the time as if it were his, the lady at the bank that I talked to today was witness to him forcing her to add him to her account.

He was buying her Wendy's all the time. She's diabetic with high cholesterol. Some days he even went twice to Wendy's. He would buy her large cokes from McDonald's too and store them in the fridge for her.  Sundaes from McDonald's too. With her health history how can that NOT be trying to kill her off?

The day they drove up here her blood sugar was 220. She was almost 200 lbs.

This is her now: It's hard to see what the meter says but it actually says 95.  I think if you click the picture it will enlarge. You see how happy she is? She's also down 10 lbs. She's only been here a month and 2 days.

This was her the night she came. She's wearing one of Hubbin's t-shirts because the shirt she had was brand new when we visited my Aunt back when I was NINE or so. The other shirt was full of holes and was held together by safety pins. Her lady bits were visible through it.

I feel so helpless. I don't know how to keep her safe.

The one about ED*

So, I hate to say that ED has been on my mind lately and not in a good way.  I never really cared for her much to begin with, even as kids there was never a connection.  She only wanted those she could control and manipulate around her. She's always played the martyr. 

In the beginning, I never said anything about her.  The kids would go on about her in a negative way (at that time they didn't talk about the abuse from her) and I would tell them "she wasn't always like that" and I  would try to think of funny stories and things she did as a child to share with them. I felt it was important to share a little bit about my other sisters too. Funny things.  I didn't want them to know the kind of family they come from.  In the beginning...

But then the truth about ED started coming out and to me it was devastating.  I knew she wasn't a great person but I didn't think she would carry that over to the way she treated her kids. I'd rant and rave to Hubbins at night because I was in such disbelief. "How can a mother do these things? A MOTHER?"  

My own mother wasn't and isn't the nurturing type. She's hung me out to dry so many times but never what my sister has done to her children. My sister can't fall back and blame things on my mother either because the way I was raised and the way they were, well... two separate animals.  Even now their relationships are so different then mine with my mother. 

I stopped trying to tell them ED wasn't so bad. I've been angry with myself for trying to mediate instead of just listening.  I've learned that I need to stop trying to fix things all the time.  Plus, back then I was under the impression there was a plan for reconciliation. I still didn't know that was never the plan. 

CDQs therapist says I should express my anger over her and what she did to them in front of the kids when they are talking about it. She says that the kids should know that what they feel is a common feeling for what they have experienced and even though I didn't cause their pain, I should apologize to them for whatever happened and tell them it wasn't there fault. I was already doing the latter. I never meant to invalidate their feelings. I just knew if, when they were older, they wanted to see their mother they would have her number in no time. That's how it went down for me, even though so many times people said awful things about my mom, in the end I knew what was what and nothing they had said made any bit of difference in the way I saw my mom.  Just in the way I saw those who were doing the bad talking from then on out.  

My dislike of  ED has grown soooooooo strong, like a million times over, since she showed up here demanding my children go outside and tell her to her face they didn't want to see her.  I can't stand the thought that she breathes.  I had started to say things in agreement with the kids but now, I just need to keep my mouth shut. Some of my thoughts have come out, and it's not like it will poison the kids of their mother, but it gets ugly and I know that's not good either. 

I hate this situation. It's all on my mind because of the impending court date next week. When I see her, I think of my kids and how they were just helpless innocent babies and the things she did to them, the things she allowed others to do to them.  I can't stand it and now I keep thinking I have to stand in the same room with her if she shows up? 

So. Hard.

I know I shouldn't let her control my thoughts and feelings so much, but my kids have told me so many unforgivable things that she's done to destroy them.  I've sat here with them in tears, I've taken the brunt of their anger and I still see little hopeless babies who can't understand "why?" and I don't have an answer for them because I have the same question...

"Why?" 

===================================================

*Egg Donor

Rheumatoid Arthritis Remission

These are the pills I take everyday, Starting from left to right: The big round one is a chewable vitamin C, the orange one is turmeric and bromelain - this is an anti-inflammatory. I actually found that the bromelain is necessary for me. Straight turmeric just doesn't cut it. The long oval white one is pantothenic acid- this is also an anti-inflammatory and it's used for morning stiffness and aches. Next to it is zinc and the last is vitamin D3. When I first started taking these I stopped the ibuprofen full on. I read that even though doctors know that NSAIDs not only kill pain but muscles, it is still the highest prescribed drug for these types of things. 

I will tell you, when I started taking these pills, I was hardly able to stand. I was spending my days in my recliner and I most literally didn't even want to breathe for fear I would move a vein or muscle. It hurt just to be. It hurt in my sleep, it hurt when I woke up. I dreaded standing up and boy did I dread the toilet. Movement became like some awkward painful dance. 

So, I did some research and decided "what the hell!" I mean what could it hurt? I was desperate and I wasn't getting any better. My inflammation was so bad that I couldn't bend my fingers unless I used my other hand to do it.  I noticed the effects immediately. But I still was in an incredible amount of pain. I was trying to go cold turkey on the Motrin. But I couldn't so I just took one 200 mg tablets 2 out of the 3 hellish days.  I almost didn't think I was going to make it. I was also taking Cat's Claw for pain, but I can tell you that didn't help me much. 

The immediate effects I noticed was a huge decrease in inflammation in my ankles first, then my wrists where I had huge knot like bumps.  Then my left knee and lastly my right knee and fingers. The pantothenic acid was working in the mornings. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt but this was a different pain. 

I had muscle pain: shoulders, knees, ankles, arms. Oh and in my fingers, especially my thumbs of all things. I would not take anything for it, because I realized muscle pain is something I could deal with compared to inflammation and I figured the stuff I read about NSAIDs must've been true. 

Within the first week, I was up and around doing stuff. Of course, I over did it. But as long as I could keep the inflammation in check the pain was bearable. I was and still deal with the mind-numbing and mysterious (to me) fatigue. I almost want to call it a mental fatigue because everything feels fully drained out and empty, I even have trouble getting my body to breathe. I just feel so.tired.

I still have my days and mostly it's my own fault because I forget my pills.  I have trouble swallowing pills and I was drowning myself to get them down only to throw them up. I started spacing them out.  I take the turmeric and bromelain first because it's the one that I noticed I really need. 

I still have mini-flares. I don't even know whether to consider it a flare up because it seems so minor in comparison to where I have been.

This picture is from yesterday. You can see how ugly my knuckles are now and you can also see the swollen finger. Sure it hurts but nothing like before and again, it's my own fault because it was two days without pills because I had completely forgotten. I know, how can I forget something like that?

This is a side view where you can see my fingers are actually starting to go in different directions. I'm sure there is probably some kind of jargon for this crap. My hand is also strangely wider. I don't remember my pinky being so....so...separate. 

This last picture is a view from above. This is how my fingers lie "flat" now. I wish I would've taken a picture when it was clawed. It was almost lopsided-spider-like and very scary.  

Right now I am in "mild" pain. My feet have the same issue as my hand and both hands have slight swelling in one finger. But it is only painful to touch it and I can deal with that. Especially after all I accomplished yesterday. 

I did a lot of sorting and wiping down stuff for homeschool. At one point I was kneeling over the tub to wash some oversized plastic book holders. I knew I was going to pay for it, but I wasn't expecting the extra "ass-like" lump that formed later last night on my thigh near my butt.  The lump is still there but the pain is almost gone. 

So, I'm not pain free or symptom free but I can deal with this. At first, I thought "HEY! I solved this!" and that the RA was gone but then it hit me like a ton of bricks that it will never be gone and this is what people call remission. That was hard to swallow. Really hard. 

Just to get this out there. I am not being paid for any of this. I have never formally been diagnosed and I don't have medical insurance.  I'm not the only one to have RA in my family and my symptoms are right on. I suppose I could have myself diagnosed but I am terrified of the whole pre-existing condition thing having seen how Hubbin's has been treated because of his quadriplegia and I don't want to be on injectables or any of those other drugs that seem to only make people feel worse instead of better.  I've made up my mind about this thing. I have kids and Hubbins to take care of but some day I won't and if I am going to be all crooked and unable to do the things I want, I will just check out.  I'm a wuss like that.