Talking about disruption...

I've been reading on the net a lot since I've seen the traffic come through from my post on the 20/20 RAD show.

Mainly following links to the searches people did to come to my blog. At first, I just wanted to throw my laptop across the room because it's so frustrating to read the words of people who have no clue.

Especially those who think it's "all about you". Yes, parents of RAD children will talk about themselves because just how much of what your RAD kid does can you share or better yet, should you share? So, at least for me, I end up talking about me and my feelings a lot on my blog. To the point where I have counted the number of "I"s in a post and even not posted at all.

Parenting RAD children is a huge blow to a person's health. I know there are people out there who are getting on just fine. But those are the people who already know the ropes. I think I can say for the rest of us who had never heard of RAD and were suddenly faced with these children who had problems that even psychologists couldn't diagnose, RAD wears you down and tears you apart.

For myself, I have gained 40 lbs since the kids were placed with me. Not to overeating but actual stress and lack of sleep. I have clumps of hair falling out everyday. Fistfuls. I get severe chest pains, so painful I can't even breathe sometimes. I think I can safely add depression to this list as well. I've even had thoughts of suicide, even though it's something I know I will never do. I have turned my back on God several times and I've just turned into this person that I don't want to be.

Some can say that I am weak but most that know me, know that isn't true. I've dealt with difficult kids. But never anything like this before. I've been through a lot of things that the kids have been through. I thought maybe that's why God had placed them here with me, because I could relate.

I never set out to adopt. This started as helping out a family member. But then, these kids, my kids, they are my family and they had no one else in the world to go to. No one else responsible enough, no one else who made it out. I thought I did all the right things to secure their needs before the adoption. They weren't like this...before.

I am at the point where I have no help. I tried and tried and I've been tossed from one person to the next. I just feel like my kids are spiraling downward and downward and there's nothing left that I can do to help...that is except disruption. Then people will be forced to help them. At least that's what it seems like. No one is listening. People who are supposed to help, have no clue and they keep telling me the wrong things. These things just make things worse.

But tonight, I found more blogs and more people with kids like mine who are doing the things that I am doing and it's working. Slowly but surely, it's working for them and it's the right thing to do. WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Disruption or dissolution isn't a thing that people do when they didn't get what they wanted. I can't believe that's why disruption happens. I think it happens when you feel that you can't help the child(ren) anymore and it's in their best interest. When you feel like you are going to break and you've tried everything and then some. Disruption isn't about lack of love for the child(ren) either. It's about loving them so much you let them go and being able to admit that they need something more than you can give. Of course, it seems like we will never be enough but I'm talking about the things that they need that can't be provided.

I've talked about disrupting because up until days ago, I thought two of my kids were in the category of what they call "failure to thrive". I didn't believe it was all their disorders, I thought it was the placement. I thought it was me. I was screwing them up and causing them to be this way.

My kids hid their RAD for over a year and a half. They started to unravel shortly after their one and only visit with their mother, before that they were happy and adjusting well- no stealing, lying, fighting, meltdowns. None. The boy was the only one with food issues.

There were nightmares and questions, lots of questions we weren't allowed to answer. As for the visit, I don't know what she said or did to them. All I know is that the oldest started telling them to act as bad as they could and they would get to go back with their mom. She told them that because she wanted to be an only child. I also know they were hurt because their mom wouldn't put down her cell phone at the visit. That's all they kept saying to each other about the visit. Maybe it was a revelation to them.....they would never come first. I will never know what triggered all hell to break loose.

At any rate, days ago, I read about other kids and they have the SAME behaviors. I shared something like Poufy and the Ensure drinks and people responded like it was normal. It's a normal thing and other RAD moms even offered up alternative solutions! I watched the girl on 20/20 meltdown and I saw CDQ.

But the only way I know how to get help is to put things out there on this blog. To ask hard questions for a public forum where some people will get their panties in a wad. But if it helps my kids it will be what I have to do. I don't have respite workers or attachment therapists, or anyone. Just my husband and I. Disruption isn't something on our mind so much any more. If this is "normal" than we are ok. We aren't causing more damage to the kids. Which was our main concern.


So for now, we will keep chugging along and see where we end up. I still can't say that this won't be my biggest regret in life... but we will see how it turns out.

Then there were silent stares...

Yesterday when I went out to the black friday sales, I found myself mushed into the aisle with all the nutritional drink stuff and while I was waiting for a break to get back into the traffic of the store, I saw Ensure that helps keep and maintain weight. So I bought some.

But let me back up a little here.

Poufy, our 7 year old girl (because her brother is now 7 years old too), has a hyperthyroid and she has a problem with lying AND she has a problem with making herself throw up for attention. So she looks like a little skeleton with bug eyes. The eyes are part of her Grave's Disease.

She's never full. NEVER. I give her healthy foods and she eats and eats and eats and nothing ever shows. She cries if she can't have thirds or more. I have to tell you that all the kids plates are always heaping. They eat more than I do and if you combined Hubs and my own plates they get more than that on their first serving and it's never good enough. I worry about their weight when they get older. Obesity, diabetes, etc...runs in their genes. Right now, it doesn't even show on them how much they eat.

About a year ago, she started "getting sick". I caught her making herself throw up. She at 6 was talking about calories and stuff. They all were because the school was teaching them about calories and fat. But I don't think it was because she was worried about getting fat. I think she started to make herself throw up because she started to get attention for it. It was a fun game for her. Even after I had to take her to ER and they gave her suppositories to stop the vomiting because she had done it so many times, even she couldn't stop it.

I've been torn several times that she has done this whether she is truly sick, bored or what? She did it last week and she was going to do it again a couple of nights ago when I went in to check on SS and caught Poufy sitting up in bed pushing her knee into her stomach...this at 3 am.

I'm torn because if one is sick and spewing, I don't believe they should be fed so they can retch some more. But if she's faking it, she needs to eat. Like I said, I think it's a game. I've all but begged her to tell the truth. I've threatened that she won't eat until I know she is well enough to keep stuff down and I guess I've screwed up because I've given her control. But what can I do? If there's something I can do, it's escaped me.

So I bought these drinks that have 350 calories and the nutrition she needs yesterday and I gave her one before dinner. She actually thinks she is getting a shake. She sucked that sucker down and went on her way. It's confusing. If it is a food issue, maybe she doesn't think drinks have calories? If it's an attention issue, then I guess she feels special. If it's a thyroid issue, I guess we will find out.

Last night at dinner, she was on her second plate of food, and granted she only had about 3 spoons of stuffing left but she sat there. Hubs and I were talking, the other kids were goofing around. She timidly said my name and I turned. Then she said the two words that stopped the ENTIRE table.

"I'm full."

Maybe we all shouldn't have had such a reaction. It was probably a mistake but we were all caught off guard. I tried to recover quickly and I told her that's fine and that she didn't have to eat it.

She got down from the table and I watched the other kids watch her clear her dishes. SS exclaimed that she could see Poufy's stomach through her sweatshirt. Poufy looked happy. Not because of the attention. This was like a satisfied happy. A happy that didn't include us or what was going on in the room, just her in her world, patting her full tummy.

Usually by this time of day, I would have been on the brink of just meltdown myself with this child, yes, it's barely going to be 10 am. But I haven't heard a peep from her, which is unheard of. I'm afraid to share this because like I said, seems like when I try to be happy about something, it all goes down hill. I didn't hear her on the monitor last night either, I believe she slept the night through.

I know it's new, I know it probably won't last and I know the full feeling is probably something I shouldn't promote because if she thinks all her life she will have to eat until she feels that feeling to be happy, well....

But I have a plan. I am going to give her the drinks for 6 days and weigh her again. (BTW, I weighed her yesterday and she weighs 37 lbs, she has lost weight. ARGH!) If she has gained weight, I am going to give her 6 more days of the drink to see if she continues to gain weight. I'll have to keep in mind if she is eating less. From there, I think I will stop the drinks for a week and see what happens. If she loses weight and eats the same or more. We know it's surgery to remove her thyroid. I think it will be pretty clear that the meds she is on aren't working. I know they are hesitant to do these procedures on children. But if that's what it is, it's disrupting her whole life. Of course this isn't exact and it's subject to change... but I just want to see her happy again. We all want our old Poufy back.

Things that need to be said...

I just watched the 20/20 show tonight on foreign adoptions and reactive attachment disorder. I made the mistake of going to the website and noticing the comments section.

Quite frankly, it's amazing how many people think they have all the answers and just how far up their heads are lodged in their asses.

They talk of "Typical American Naivety", yet they don't understand how on the flipside of the coin, those of us with RAD children can see them as those typical naive americans as well.

We did the neuropsychological evaluations, we tried to find out the kids backgrounds, we did therapy, we asked for help. We did everything we could. Not because we wanted "perfect children" but because we wanted to make sure we could provide what the kids need. After all, if we weren't going to be any better than their biological parents, why bother?

These kids are my family. They are my nieces and nephew from my screwed up half sister. I called CPS year after year and nothing. In fact, only two of my calls were ever documented and I was told it was the mother's perogative to have her children living out of a car with a drug addict.

Our kids problems didn't surface until after a year and a half and they didn't escalate until after the adoption. When I started to voice my concerns I was threatened that they would be taken from me. Yes, for asking for help.

Then I was reassured that it was normal. It would pass. But after finding out my kids had RAD through a post from a person on my blog and reading about RAD. It's not true.

I battle with being able to handle these children, I wonder if I am doing the right thing for them when I can't give them what they need. There is a place that can help them for $250 a day for 18 months. I have 4 kids with RAD. How am I supposed to do that? Had I known they were going to need that I would have fought for it BEFORE the adoption when they are wards of the state and the state is required to pay for them. I wouldn't have adopted them because I would have known that I wouldn't be able to pay for their treatment therefore be unable to help them in the way that they needed. It's truly about the kids and their needs.

This is my family. My blood and it kills me to have to think that I can't do this. I can't keep the family together. I don't think it's much different for non relatives but I can't understand how there's no accountability.

People really need to keep their mouths shut when they can't understand. This life...it isn't a life at all. It's not that any one expects perfection and there is no true preparation for RAD or PTSD, ODD or any of the others. It is the responsibility of the agency to provide training for these types of things. They are failing the children and the parents by not doing so.

For me, everyday is a day of mourning for my kids. They are so young and they have been through so much and no matter what I do, I can't tell if I am getting through. If I am doing the right things, or if I am making it worse. They have lost their childhood and I foolishly believe it's something I can try to give back to them. But they won't let me. They aren't living. They are constantly struggling. It hurts more than words can ever express to see them this way and to feel so helpless and worthless because I am unable to get through, to reach them, or to let them know it's ok.

The things that were said about that family by people who have no clue and those who should know better are just plain ridiculous. RAD needs to be put out there, it needs to be addressed and something needs to be done about it before many more families are damaged beyond repair.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!



I've got my turkey brining. Hubs and the oldest made the pies and dips and a whole bunch of other stuff earlier while I was putting up the Christmas lights on the house and well...we're trying to pull it together. The oldest and I went and picked up a lot of the kitchen stuff from the storage so now my house looks like I'm just moving in. *sigh* I have a load dishes washing as I type.



We haven't heard from our realtor yet about the other house and the earnest money. But we did get an e-mail today that there is a person interested in possibly buying our house. Go figure! Our house never went up on the market and isn't for sale. I'm tempted to find out if they are serious and if they are willing to pay what we are asking for. I'm so drained with the whole thing, I don't want to get my hopes up, I don't feel I can be anything right now. I feel like it's a bad joke.



In fact I am so afraid of posting what I am thankful for because the minute it comes out of my mouth everything I say turns to shit. So just know that I am really THANKFUL. lol





Happy Thanksgiving Everyone...oh, and I can't believe I haven't done my annual turkey butter post. But yes, I secured my Turkey Butter weeks ago. lol Reading about my mission last year makes me believe I really am crazy. Oh, what I would give to have those days back when that was my greatest worry. *grin*

Just Call Me Miz McGyver

Me: Guess what's fixed?
Hubs: MS Office?
Me: no.
Hubs: Your USB?
Me: no. It's huge!
Hubs: The dishwasher? (note: yep, they broke that too and that's not even a year old either.)
Me: NO. Bigger than that.
Hubs: The back door.
Me: Geez. Thaaaaanks!
Hubs: Well, there's a lot of stuff broken.

*silence*

ARGH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyway, a wire stripper, some electrical screw thingies and a massive amount of electrical tape, plus kitty supervision and the freezer is back to running. I used the concept of ceiling fan installations to figure out how to seal the connection with the wires. Sure, I'm nervous I'll burn the house down. That's why I wrapped it good and tight with a gazillion layers of professional grade electrical tape. I also rerouted the cord so that it isn't bent over a sharp piece of metal


and actually comes out of the side I think it was intended to come out of.




It is now getting icy cold as I type.

Whoo Hoo!

Strong Enough?

So, apparently the powers that be aren't done shitting on me.

I started to move along and get things back in order and I truly felt happy. It has been a loooong time but I recognized it as happy.

The other house company had decided that they would take our earnest money and pay for the majority of things except for the appraisal. Which I was so excited about it. Our realtor suggested we add the appraisal and see what they say, if not they were already covering everything else with our earnest money. Which can I just say, I totally had no problem with.

I had thought things were going better with the kiddos,except for Poufy of course. Things just seemed to be looking up or so I thought. We even went out to dinner on Friday as a family.

But then Thursday night Hubs got like the stomach flu or something, except we didn't know it. So the flu shot he got Friday probably didn't help how sick he got Friday night. Spewing everywhere...ewww.

He was sick all weekend. This means I have to be by his side constantly practically all night holding the bucket for him and cleaning him up, eww. (No he's not a momma's boy, he's a quad, in case you didn't know.)

Then on Saturday, when I went to take out something for dinner, I discovered my very expensive large upright freezer was no longer working. On further inspection, I realized that CDQ had severed the power cord. You may be asking how does an 8 year old girl sever a power cord? I asked the same question including a stream of expletives. Turns out, when you have an 8 year old begging to help you clean the laundry room and you think the safest thing she can do is sweep the floor....it's not...

I'm still unclear considering 1.) I was in the room and 2.) she only had a broom. But the fact remains that she was the only one near the freezer and all she was doing was sweeping. So now I have a heap of dead metal in my laundry room. You know what else, I think the freezer is only like 4 months old too and it was full. $%^#!

Rewind back to early Friday because I am getting ahead of myself. Friday morning I finally found the source of stench in CDQ's room. She had taken a crap and folded it neatly into Poufy's clean clothes. I should take this moment to tell you that the smell had been there for three days before I found where it was coming from and CDQ insisted she didn't do anything, even though she is now the only one staying in that room. Liar!

Speaking of Liars, I called the former adoption social worker who lied to me like crazy. Telling me that other kids lie and steal. That it's normal. She told me that *I* was taking on too much. I highlight the *I* because when I tried to talk about disruption she moved me into other areas. I want to know about disruption damn it! I asked about residential but apparently I am the problem.

Don't you know I shouldn't have a pee bucket in the rooms. Uh uh... I should pull up my berber carpet and paint the fucking floor until they get past it. Just let them piss on the floors.

Maybe I am not cut out to be a mom, or may be I just think that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. These are humans, not animals and yet we are all supposed to just put up with their shit and live in too?

I can't do that. Family or not. I refuse to. NOBODY should have to live like that.

And if my feelings above are supposed to match some table of love equivalents, then I guess I am a heartless bitch who can't love anyone or anything.

I'm tired of being steered away from my feelings. I wish I would have stood up for myself before the adoption and told them NO! MY FEELINGS ARE VALID TOO!

I need to find the strength to stand up for all of us who are living through Poufy and CDQ's destructiveness. We have the right to live too.



PS. We must've pissed off the other house people because now they aren't paying for anything and want all our earnest money.

Dusting myself off and getting back up...

I've written several posts but I haven't posted them for fear you all would think I was depressed or suicidal, which I am not. I'm not in denial either. LOL!

Today I will spend my day putting my house back in order. It is a disaster. It has been for a couple of months. First I was packing, then I didn't think I needed to, then I thought I should, hence the storage and finally I just gave up the whole deal and spent my time running around like a madwoman looking for paperwork, etc...

It's supposedly not quite over, but in my mind it is over and I guess I've known it was over for a while. If you ever come across a mortgage company called America Home Key, run like hell and never look back. They are the true reason we lost everything. They will kiss your ass like crazy until they know you chose them and then they don't care anymore. Honestly, they said they could close in two weeks and that was in August. We are almost at the end of November.

Examples, the woman putting the paperwork together did nothing, let's call her DB for the sake of clarity and what her name should really be. We did all the legwork. We had to find a licensed inspector to do a foundation inspection. Which Hubs thought he did because the woman at the inspection place said she was. I heard it. We gave that number to AHK and the DB called and set it up. 280 some dollars later we come to find out that DB never double checked to make sure we were getting the right thing that they needed on their end. Who do you think should eat that? Sure, the company lied to Hubs about being licensed or maybe they didn't, maybe they just didn't have the right license. But who should have double checked that? I would think the person who is in the field (DB) and knows exactly what they need.

So we are at the signing and we contest that fee. We think AHK screwed up. We hear the title lady telling DB since she believes she (DB) was misled and she (DB) contacted the company and placed the order she (DB) should talk to them.

Here comes the threat... well it's an invoice that needs to be paid or else they can put a lien on their house. The poor title company lady said "Well, nobody wants that."

After we cancelled everything we get a call from an AHK "partner" letting us know that the guy who signed us up was in the hospital having surgery...blah blah blah. He wanted to know what went wrong and why we cancelled but he made sure to drop that little tidbit about not wanting to have our house auctioned off for back taxes.

Uh...let me just take a moment to say "Fuck you sir."

I feel really bad and sorry for people who are losing their houses and the way people must treat them. We have been treated like we are at the brink of losing everything by idiots who have no clue. We are fine. We aren't about to be foreclosed on, we don't have creditors chasing after us, and we are not even late on any payments for anything. But they tried to threaten us. Well, wait, I take that back.

One good thing that came out of this is that we found out our taxes weren't being paid with the mortgage like we thought they were. So we are behind on taxes and they tried to use that to threaten us and intimidate us into signing their bad loan. I ain't worried about it.

I'm just going to call the nice people out there in property tax land and see what I can do about it. They were really nice when they told me I was an idiot and that I should have been opening the notices I was getting every year. ( I am an idiot, I opened the first one and thought it was all good and any ones like it, I never opened, just put them aside thinking it was better that way so they would be all together.) At any rate, I don't think our house will be auctioned off or anything, our taxes aren't that bad, even three years later. *blush* It will take a good chunk of our money, no doubt, but I already did our Christmas shopping a month ago-- yep, sure did!

I guess I should start on getting my act together for Thanksgiving. I have the turkey and the pumpkin for the pies...

It's not bad... It could be worse,we could be in trouble. We could be losing everything, not just our sanity.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Lisa. So here it goes...

The Rules are:

1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules. (check)
2. Share seven random or weird facts about yourself. (check)
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post with their links. (uh oh...7)
4. Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Seven random/weird things...

1.) I'm addicted to Sonic Cherry slushes WITH whole cherries. I have been known to send it back for more cherries...if I can see them put them in. lol

For the record, my slush from yesterday had 14 cherries in it. *sigh* I *heart* happy hour.

2.) Speaking of Happy Hour, I've never drank any kind of alcohol in my whole life by my own personal choice I made when I was young.

3.) I have no family, except for 1 sister that I keep in touch with. But it doesn't seem like a sister thing...more of a friend thing.

4.) I think I have RAD. Relationships are something that I am not good at. I don't like to be around people. I don't even like to drive by the crossing guard in the morning when I drop off my oldest at school... because he's going to wave and smile at me and expect me to do the same. (weird, indeed!)

5.) I don't use my real voice. My real voice is really soft and low. I got tired of being ignored so I started projecting it and now when I talk, I talk from my stomach up. Like pushing my voice out. Weird, I know...

6.) I got married in my church wearing jeans and a veil. I had been postponing our wedding date forever (hey, I was proud that I was even looking for an actual day. I never got that far in my other engagements.) I told myself I was setting the date and it was a done deal, no exceptions.

Well, shit. Turns out 4 of my kids were having their baptismals a week before. I had no money back then and I had to make 3 of the girls dresses. Did I mention, I had never sewn anything in my life before? Well, I got their dresses done in time AND I still had to work on mine.

The night before my wedding I was working on the last piece of my dress, the zipper, it would not sew on right to save my life. I tried all night and I cried all night. I had worked on it all week. What made me cry was the spiders. I had finally found respite for the kids and was able to work on the dress that night after I dropped them off. I picked up my dress and set it on my lap with the zipper and started to get to work. This big thin spider (a daddy long legs maybe?) crawled out from inside and came out with like a dozen babies trailing behind it. I freaked!

I jumped and apparently they bit me because the rest of the night I had the chills and I felt like I was burning up.

Hence, just leaving and going straight to the church in the clothes I was wearing. When I got home I crashed on the couch only to discover while I was sleeping my cat (Purries) thought she needed to rip my veil to shreds. Lovely, no?

Good thing I am not superstitious.

7.) I love my Hubs madly and deeply but he doesn't even know it probably. I won't show it. He hurt me really bad in the beginning of our relationship and I started distancing myself and then he almost died and I cut myself off. I try to let my wall down but it's just so hard. Which is one of the reasons for # 4.

Ok, so, seven people might be tricky for me. Especially since I looked in my google reader thing and see a bunch of tagged posts. lol

1.) I tag Kether this one should be easy for her. LOL
2.) Do cats count?

I'm telling you, I do read blogs. I have 41 feeds that I am moving from bloglines to google reader... but I just started commenting... Is it rude to tag people you stalk lurk?

How about this... I tag you! I'll even change the rules a little (yes, I do think I am that special that I can just start changing the rules. )

Just leave your strangeness in the comments.

How's that? That way I can tag Hubs too!

You're it!

Maybe the fat lady hasn't sung?

I don't want to get too excited over this but it appears it may not be over with the house situation.

I think I'll know more tomorrow. But if this could work out, it might just be win-win.

I'm not holding my breath on it though.

But then again, it's not over til it's over.

Ok, so I am a little bit excited. It's what I had hoped for when we first thought of selling the house. But I know I am pushing it. But still if it could work, it's a possibility...

I truly hope this is what God had in store for us.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling but I don't want to say too much until I know more for sure.

On Being 7

Today I got a normal day.

It was the boy's seventh birthday. I relished in the fun of picking out his cake and his gift and his card. I was so happy to get to do that finally. It felt so normal.

Little things touched me today. You see that smile of happiness and satisfaction. Just from the cake. Each of them are always sooo surprised when they get a cake with their name on it. It's a little thing but it means alot to them. It's huge in their world that their name was actually put on a cake. Sad huh?

(you might want to adjust the volume before you play it)

I have hope for this one. I think he will make it. You can see he has a good heart.

We were a little mean. We only gave him a card and told him it was his birthday present. It was a Kung Fu Panda card with stickers. All day long he eavesdropped on Hubs and I talking about Kung Fu Panda action figures and palaces, etc... He just knew he was getting something Kung Fu Panda. It was funny to see his face as he played with the card.

But in truth we had this waiting for him in the living room.

A BIG BOY BIKE! I tried to record him but it didn't turn out. He stood rooted to the spot in the entrance way from the kitchen to the living room.

"A bike?, A bike, a BIKE!" then he ran over to it and examined every inch of it exclaiming over everything about it. It was love at first sight. I wish it would have recorded right.

I let him out even though it was getting dark (damn daylight savings) and he rode up from the hill down towards our van. I thought he was going to crash into the van but instead he swerved and fell.

I told him to come inside, not wanting a trip to the ER. lol

It would have been perfect, except Poufy had to go and steal while the rest of us were having fun. Instead of coming with us, she stole from the kitchen. She even licked the frosting from the cake off the other kids plates. *sigh* I regret including her in the celebration. It's the only time we let our guard down. We've decided we will not include her anymore. It's not fair to the rest of the kids and since we've kept them separated from her we now see that she was the driving force behind all the turmoil and chaos. Who would've thought one kid could cause so much damage?

At any rate, I have to figure out a way to survive this. It hurt so much when I realized that hubs was signing "Dad" on the card. He wants kids badly. I guess it's easier for him because he's not blood related. The transition is easier; but it's a slippery slope for me between Aunt and Mother.

The end...

We went to sign papers for the house. It did not go well. This company is ripping us off. We signed but we are going to call and cancel. It's a very bad loan. That means no new house. It also means a ton of new bills (inspections and appraisals for both this house and the new one) and $1000.00 earnest money lost.

Lose-Lose.

We've been frantically trying to sell this house to those people who buy your houses fast. But they just want to rip us off too. Our house is worth $135,000 and we are willing to part with it for $110,000, just to get us our down we need for the other house but these scam artists only want to pay what we owe on it or less even. We aren't in foreclosure, we aren't even behind in payments. I don't think so. You know? I mean the only thing wrong with the house is a cabinet face I broke in the master bathroom. Not to mention the fact we just put in the new flooring and paint and stuff.

I don't know what it will mean for the kids. I can not live my life the way it has been going. I have no help and if I can't even seperate them...

I just don't know.

House Update

We finally got the call to sign and close on this house we are currently living in today.

We are supposed to close on the other house on Monday.

I've been reluctant to say anything about the whole stressful situation because I won't believe it until I have the keys in my hot little hand and I am opening the door to the new house without a realtor.

I can't even begin to describe the stress.

It all came to a head last week before I started reading Twilight. I had some Girl Scout issues, old house issues, new house issues, homeschool issues, money issues, behavioral issues and well you get the picture. I think it was just a last straw deal...I was having really bad chest pains that were actually making me cry from the intense pain. Hubs wanted to call an ambulance. But I don't have insurance so I didn't want to create a bigger mess and quite honestly like I told him when he asked me what if something bad was happening like a heart attack or something: "What if I don't want to stop it?"

Before anyone starts thinking I am suicidal. I am not. But I'm not exactly wanting to live forever either. I've been ready to go for a loooooooooooooooong time if you know what I mean. I don't want to be old. Call me vain.

So, I'm hoping a huge weight will be lifted once these papers are signed today.

I was thinking the other day. I still don't consider myself a grown up. I still think of myself as a child playing in a grown-up world. Does anyone else feel like that?

I look at all that I am doing and I find myself saying "who the hell do you think you are?" It could just be from my mother who pretty much told me I couldn't do anything for a long time before she opened her eyes and saw that I could. Or it could be the truth. Who the hell do I think I am?

I dunno. I don't even think. I just do. Maybe that's my problem? People ask me how I do it and I think to myself. I don't. I'm a failure. If only you knew.

But then, every once in a while I start to think, I must be doing it because how else is it getting done? Am I fretting over little things? Then self doubt comes in and I feel like that child playing in an adult world.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

Better Late Than Never

For the record, I have tried to post this 4 times within the last 3 days... and it still didn't post all the pics. Hmmph.

Followers

Ok, so I know I have multiple degrees in technology but how in the hell do you follow a blog that doesn't have a link that says "follow this blog" ?

I thought I would post here first instead of wasting a bunch of time looking for an answer.

You know something? It's funny that since I've been out of the field, I have no patience whatsoever for computers, software, etc...

So, it's over...

I finally finished the Twilight series.

I was putting it off the last couple of days. Like Kether, I felt compelled to read it and I'm not sure why. But also like Lisa, I am not going to read the Midnight Sun rough draft on the internet.

I don't think I am going to see the movie either. I saw the trailers and well... I don't know.

My oldest is dying to read them. I told her she could read Twilight when she's 14. By the time I was part way through the last book I told her she could read that one when she was 16 or 17, I wasn't sure yet. LOL! I know I'm brutal. She's still waiting to find out what happens with Harry Potter. I need to slow her down though. She's been exposed to too much too soon and I want to try to roll it back some and yet keep it balanced. If that makes sense.

She's telling me all the girls are in love with Edward and they are saying he is their boyfriend. I thought she meant the character in the book but apparently it's the guy who plays Edward in the movie that has them all hot. lol

It made me laugh because it reminded me of when I was younger and I was reading this Christopher Pike book where the main character had the name of the guy I was seeing and even the description of what he looked like. The character was like the perfect boyfriend and I let myself fall into that only to be in total shock at the end of the book when I found out the guy was THE murderer! Totally did not see that coming. I've never done that again. What's that you say? You've never done that... oh...ok...moving on...*blush*

So, now...I have Inkdeath by Cornelia Funke left to read. It is the last in the Ink trilogy. I love those books too. But it's a little hard to shift gears so quickly from the vampire world to the Ink World. lol

I'm going to be at such a loss when I am done with that book. I was at a loss before and ended up with Lipstick Jungle by Candace Bushnell. I like the show (well, up until the next episode I think) but not the book so much.

Any suggestions?

It's 2 am...

I have about 200 pages left of book 4 and I can't bring myself to read them just yet but I can't take myself away from them either...

I glanced back to see if there was a chapter from the next book and all I saw was ....

the end.

Humph.

That slowed me down some.

Really? No more?






PS... Hubs thinks I am crazy and truthfully... I think I've lost it a little too. LOL!

I've been bitten...

See you on the other side,