Just Breathe

It's no secret that I'd finally found a supportive therapist who knew CDQ's behaviors better than I did.  He has worked with RAD children and he had a case very similar to CDQ's not too long ago.  This therapist REALLY got it. And when he told me to take care of me, he really meant it. No guilt trips, no judgement.

So it was quite a punch in the gut when I answered the phone and was told he had left the treatment center some time last week and that this guy would be taking over. This guy (new therapist) is the teacher for the RAD class I tried to take but dropped out of when I decided that he and the other therapist were right and I did need to take care of myself.

I was lucky enough to be standing near my recliner because my knees failed me and I dropped into it. I kept hearing my mind telling me "Stress is your biggest enemy." over and over again. But I literally felt devastated like my world had just crumbled under me.

I must've remained in shock because I called my mom to make sure she wasn't using my car this Thursday so I could make the meeting. I told her what had happened. I still hadn't lost it.

Being the gossip that my mother is, she came home and came directly to the kids room where I was steam cleaning their carpet.  She just jumped right into it.

I hadn't told the kids yet.

She was more than eager to fill them in. I have to admit I was pissed watching her get her jollies being a damn gossip. I could see the oldest and the two youngest weren't taking it well either. I think that's what broke me. I tried not to cry but my face just crumbled.

My mom asked me what was wrong and I told her.

"He was the only person in the world who really understood."

Because let's face it. You guys are all out there and yes we have an understanding but I think it might be different when you meet another person face to face who is truly in your corner and who is fighting the same war right beside you.

Really someone who supported me and could actually do something about it.

I'm crying now as I type this because it feels like I'm mourning.  I lost someone who was so important. Someone who helped me keep my sanity and helped ME feel safe.

I wasn't told the circumstances of his leaving.  But I know CDQ had made accusations towards him and he had expressed that he was glad he never shut his door anymore to dispel any accusations his patients might make.  I truly hope CDQ didn't have anything to do with this. Signs would point to no because he's been in the field almost as long as I've been alive.

But this child is that sick. Anything is possible with this child.

My world is spinning and I can't seem to find how to stop it. 

Why beyond consequences therapy did not work for us.

So, those of you who have been reading here for awhile have read about the therapy maze we have weaved through.

Initially, I loved our very first therapist. I got his point. I totally understood where he was going BUT my kids didn't get him. He was more for the older child. I was really bummed to let him go. I still wish things could've worked out with him because he really was a great therapist, just not trained in what we needed. In fact, with the exception of CDQ's issues, he would be an awesome family therapist for the rest of us where we are now.

Then I had the therapist from hell. At first, I thought she was exactly what we needed but then things started getting weird. She asked me a lot of questions and met with me for longer periods than she met with my children. She would get so exasperated by my kids because they wouldn't comply with her ideas of how they should react. She said she knew about RAD and she taught me the hold.  But in the end, she had only read Nancy Thomas' book and really didn't know any more than I did.  I will always regret listening to her because before her, I had never spanked a child in my life.  The spanking crap didn't last long because of several reasons: 1.) I told her it had never worked on their mother and 2.) I was already developing RA and the veins in my fingers were busting already for no reason at all. 3) I HATED it.

I have apologized many times to my children for that mistake and the no spanking rule has been in effect since before I terminated that therapist.  Of course, on our way out, she threatened me that she would report me but couldn't tell me why.  Nice huh?

Then at the beginning of this year we found an actual attachment therapist. I was so excited. I thought we had found the answer.  But at the first meeting, I should have listened to my gut.  I have it documented in this very blog that she said she didn't really work with the kids, she taught the parents how to deal with their children.  But after her first meeting with CDQ, I was given forms to sign...video consents..not just to record her, but to show her videos at conferences and training sessions. I gave them permission because I thought it could help other people and more importantly she told me she would be showing them to another therapist who was a visiting expert.

As I've noted, from day 1 I wasn't allowed in the room. I should've said no and brought her home instead, but I let her go and she said she was ok. The whole thing was a disaster. I took the training for Heather Forbes and Dr. Post but it was not the right therapy for CDQ.

The whole premise is that you let your child vent and when they are regulated you can speak with them and they will hear you. But what happens when you have a child who never regulates? or when you have a child who quickly becomes disregulated when you try to say anything they don't agree with or perceive to be parenting?

I'll tell you what happens...you become the child's doormat/punching bag.  Then you have a therapist who tells you to agree with the child no matter what disgusting lies they are telling about you and others so that the child will feel supported because it is what the child believes....

*sigh*

So the child believes everything they are saying and you have effectively confirmed their lies to be true because you nodded like a dumbshit and and kept telling yourself "it's not really about you, it's not really about you." like a good little puppet. Even when the kid tells you it seems like "you're kissing her butt."

One might ask why I put up with all this?

I was desperate.

I was also terrified. Despite what my state wants to say I misunderstood, I was told that they would take the kids away from me if I couldn't care for them. This is when I was asking for therapy recommendations.

That rocked me to my core. I believed they had the power.  I still believe they have the power. But as of today, I am not afraid. I have not done anything wrong.  If the spanking was wrong...well then they better start collecting everyone else's kids too.  I've been absolutely terrified that my kids would be taken from me.   I promised them and I am not like everyone else.   Even our last name is linked to that promise.  I don't take promises lightly and I don't make very many.

But today, I understood. It is better for me to stand up to CDQ ,who is a child but who is also an abuser in our home, and finally be that role model that shows them there are nonviolent ways to stick up for yourself and that abuse is not the norm. Also, walking on eggshells probably just solidifies any previous lifestyle they had become to believe was the norm. If you're being abused just look the other way, don't rock the boat, etc....

I have come to realize that even if they were to take my children, it would all be unfounded and they would come back to me and they would know the real reasons why... I know there's no point in worrying about this when it may never come to pass but I'm still working on that and I still need to feel like I have rights and I can protect my children.

My therapist has been telling me to express to CDQ how she makes me feel, but I didn't want to rock the boat. CDQ's new therapist told me that I'm allowed to say whatever I want and I don't have to cater to her every need. It's not going to be like that in the real world. At the new place, they are helping CDQ deal with the real world and not getting her way.  They told her I might not have time for her, they told her I might not want to talk to her and they told her she might not like what I have to say. But she was going to have to deal with it and that went for anyone, anywhere in the world.

In my eyes, this new therapy is going to prepare her for the real world. It's all about communication and respect with a little empathy thrown in there. I can't see anything wrong with that and at this point, what do I have left?

Then the ride stopped...

I went in to see my therapist (M) last week who immediately took me in to see CDQ's therapist (AT). She stayed in the room and that helped a lot.

I don't know where I flipped and started trying to be a people pleaser- that I haven't been since I went off to college. But I couldn't stand hearing myself say it was ok. I mean, really... my kid was totally disregulated and I paid for it and if AT was saying it was her fault, why did I keep insisting it was ok?

I feel like AT is inexperienced when it comes to kids like CDQ. I feel very strongly that this is AT's first really really bad case.  I don't know. She keeps saying the Director is telling her what to do and that she is conferring with others and showing CDQ's video. I also noticed she's short tempered with my indecisiveness.

Case in point, the previous post about my visit with M, I talked about the rescue team not being put in a position where something can happen to them.  All these months, I've been sitting out in the waiting room while CDQ goes in with AT, now that I say I am going to meet with M--CDQ says she needs me in the room.

Manipulation- whether it comes from fear or whatever, CDQ does NOT want me to get better. She wants to continue to be able to zing me.  So is it truly fear or is it control. Yes, it could be argued that even if it is for control it is still fear...fine.

BUT, if I am part of the rescue am I doing more damage by not getting myself an oxygen mask first (ie.  my therapy session)?  I had my session with M scheduled to overlap with CDQ's since I was sitting out there the whole time doing nothing...so the AT asks CDQ if she wants me in the room and of course CDQ says yes now.  I should go back and find the post about talking to AT about being in the room from the get go and getting the thumbs down, anyone remember that?

So, I was confused for a bit about what I should do.  I know they charge $25 if you miss a session and I wasn't sure if they were going to do that.  Plus, M had moved her schedule and moved someone else so I could have this slot...but mainly I was thinking about the rescue thing.

Out loud in front of AT, I had mumbled that I wasn't sure what I should do and I heard her mumble back that I needed to do whatever my child needed.  Hmmmm... I guess that's all I'll say about that, for now anyway.

Anyhow, with M in the room it was easier to get AT to stop and listen to what I was saying. She would interrupt and say something to M who would turn around and ask me a question or look to me so I could say something.

So, we talked about a residential treatment center (RTC) but I said that I didn't want her to go. I always say I don't want her to learn new things but can you imagine the whole new set of traumas if she was "taken" from my home and placed with A LOT more people to be afraid of. It breaks my heart when I think of it that way. So for now, she will be seeing the therapist twice a week.

I made it clear there was to be no more Jonas Bros or any music at all. This in front of M, who I told a couple of months ago the one time I saw her, that I didn't want that anymore. Wow, that sentence sucks. I hope it makes sense. I'm just wondering when M sat in that day if she remembers that was a topic we discussed before.

I also told AT we needed to find a way for ME to bond with CDQ especially if she had flipped into processing trauma.

I told her about CDQ telling me she was scared to be in there with her AT. So AT asked her if she wanted me in there and she did. I don't think AT likes me in there.  Actually, I don't think AT likes me at all, but that's neither here nor there. It's not about me after all.

Finally, I was taught something that helps. Tapping.

I thought there was something special to it because the way she explained to me before was that she was opening up CDQ during the sessions and would close her before she left. So I had never tried the tapping before.

Basically, all you do is tap the shoulders, the head, the tops of the knees, and the sides of her back gently with your fingers.  This helps with the chatter. It also helps calm her down BIG TIME.  I had to use it that night we got back from the therapist and it literally took her back to center under 5 minutes.  I timed it. While you are doing this, you talk to her subconscious and tell her she is safe and that you are there to keep her safe and that you are completely there for her.  So even if she's chattering and stuff, when she takes a break to breathe tell her she's safe and it actually slows down the chatter to silence. If you're worried she's going to ask a question that may set her off if you don't answer, tell her to take deep breaths. That's what I did.

I did tapping again tonight and this time aside from telling her she was safe, I did it while she was talking about her nightmares and I shifted her from talking about bad stuff to focusing on good stuff. I asked her what she thought would happen if she forgot the bad stuff.  Of course, I'm not suggesting she will completely forget, but I brought this up because it just seems to me that she is perpetuating all the bad things in her mind because she may feel she needs to remember it or something.

I asked her what she thought would happen if she focused on good memories. Specifically safe memories. Of course, those were things from here. I asked her what made her happy and safe. She named foods and holidays. I asked her if there was a season that made her feel safe. She said winter because we stay inside and are warm.

She asked me if her mind was confusing her when it came to the music stuff. Because she really does think it makes her happy and then it makes her mad that she can't hear it. One of the things she said made her feel safe was strawberries.  I asked her if strawberries made her feel mad and scared like the music does. She smiled and said "no".  So, I told her I thought maybe she should think about that when it comes to the music.

She left my room pretty happy and was bubbly for the rest of the night.  I'm not saying that the tapping is transforming her. I'm sure the other shoe will drop, but it helps to let me talk to the real CDQ. Sure she came back and questioned me more about music and I told her I wanted her to focus on things that weren't going to scare her before bedtime. I thought I was going to get THE FLIP...but she stayed regulated, there was a flicker but I had said I wanted her to feel safe and happy when she went to bed and apparently that's what she wanted for tonight as well.

So for now, the ride has slowed and hopefully will come to a complete stop for a little bit. In the meantime, I will be catching my breath. :-)

Apologizing for the length but I needed to get it out there...

I was hoping that we could just leave the end of therapy week on "friendly" terms. But the day before yesterday during all the chaos of no water and no power and Chuck E. Cheese's. There was a brief moment in the therapist's waiting room where I repressed my tears because that bitch wasn't going to get a rise out of me, nor a tear. I wasn't going to give her that satisfaction.

She did the terminating session with SS and she was supposed to do a terminating session with the oldest. Instead she called me in and for an hour she was totally passive aggressive with me the entire time. She verbally attacked me left and right for an hour and spent less than 15 minutes terminating with the oldest.

She said she wanted to talk to me. I went in the room and we sat down, she told me that she felt that *I* had a problem with her. I told her that I likED her and thought she was going to help us but after I started telling her that the kids didn't want to see her anymore she started treating me badly and I wasn't happy about that.

She told me she felt all this happened when I asked for a week off. I told her it had actually happened two weeks before that. The kids came to me after a session and were telling me they didn't feel comfortable with her anymore because she asks weird questions. I don't know how many times I told her who and what but she still thinks it's because of me. I told her that I never promised the kids they would get to do other activities if they didn't have therapy. I told her what I tell them. They have to earn it, they have to do what they are supposed to do and they have to act their age.

She told me that the kids have expressed that they don't want to stop coming to see her. I said really because when I talked to SS today and told her it was her last day with you she pumped her fist in the air and did a dance.

She said "Really, SS?" I said yeah and the only reason I told her about that was because she had already terminated with SS. So I knew she couldn't go after her.

So then she says "Well maybe she thinks if she doesn't come back she is all better." I say whatever. My kids don't like you. She scares them and intimidates them.

She said she didn't understand what I meant by her being mean and wanted an example. So, I told her about the session with the boy where she told me that I was basically only going to be a caregiver because I'm not mother material.

She said she felt that I had misunderstood what she was saying. I sat back because I thought "hmmm, ok." and I listened to her tell me that I am a great manager and that is what the kids need but they also need love and affection. I agreed. But please help me out here because if that's not reiterating that I am not mother material, than what the hell is she really saying...please toss your two cents in. As a mother, how would you feel if that was said to you?

Anyhow, I just nodded my head thinking this was not worth the fight. I guess she wasn't happy with my response because she kept picking. She said "you think that these kids don't have issues." I sat forward and I said " I know these kids have issues." Then she told me that she thinks that I don't think that I'm as bad as I am. I believe it was "I don't think you know that your issues are as bad as they are." I told her I knew that I was messed up. I wasn't projecting my own abuses on my kids. I can recognize some of what they are feeling because I went through some of the same stuff myself. I can see the pain or the fear on their faces and feel what they are going through. She basically said she doubted that I had been through anything near what they had but not in those words.

That seemed to make her happy. But not enough. She said she wanted to talk to me about spanking the children. Now let me tell you before these children, I had never spanked a child in my life. I didn't know what to do anymore and I told her I was going to start spanking she said "Just don't leave any marks." I remember looking at her incredulously and telling her "I'm not going to beat them." After that declaration it was 2 weeks before anyone got spanked in my house. Even then it only lasted about a month and it wasn't a regular occurrence. I'm back to believing spanking doesn't work. Plus, if she had done her job she would have let me know when I first told her. She knew no one had been spanked yet.

She told me that spanking them was abusive. When I spanked the children, I pulled them over my lap and pulled down there pants and gave them a swat. Also, when they were talking back to me and screaming and wouldn't stop I would swat them on the mouth after three warnings and telling them to go to their room. That happened like 4 times total with three different children. I told her I was doing that she didn't say it was bad or not to. Of course, now I know.

I really didn't see how spanking them in that way was abusive or sexually abusive. If she would have said that to me I wouldn't have done it again. For me, when my Aunt spanked me once that way when I was a child it was the most civil I had ever been disciplined in my life. I remember it clearly because I hadn't done anything wrong. My play doh had dried up some and I had read on the jar that I was supposed to add a tiny bit of water to it when that happened. So I was doing that when I got in "trouble".

I've been flung from my hair into a closet because I was the oldest and my sister lost her shoe and I needed to find it because my mom was going to be late for work. My mom routinely smacked me or pulled my hair and threw me around for the sins of my sisters. My step father punched me in the face for no other reason but because I was there. I was plugging in a vacuum and when I turned around he punched me hard in the face. He also punched me on my head several times because he was jealous of the attention my maternal family gave me. That's abuse to me. I did not see a swat as abuse. I do not like to spank and it was always the final straw.

Because of what had happened to me, with my kids, I made extra sure if any of the kids got a spanking that I knew what happened exactly by seeing it with my own eyes, if there was any ambiguity I did not spank and they are all liars so most of the time it was anyone's guess and nothing happened. I also clearly told them three times if they didn't stop they would get a swat and that it was their choice.

At any rate, I figured out that's what she was threatening me about when she said there were things she could report me on but hadn't. I say report away. There hasn't been any spanking in over two months. That's how short-lived that episode was. It makes me angry because I would go in and tell her. There hasn't been any spanking for 2 days, a week, etc... I was proud of them and I told them I didn't like to do it and didn't want to. If she thought it was bad why didn't she tell me, why did she let me do it? So she could have something on me? Because that's what it feels like. She has that smug look on her face. I had to find out from a book that I should have never done that.

She said that she doesn't understand how I could do the therapeutic hold (that she told me and taught me to do by the way) but I wouldn't give my kids affection.

First, my kids get affection--when they want it. I explained to her how I felt about forced affection being a violation and not affection. Plus, I told her I didn't understand what she was saying. She said that I am so willing to discipline my kids but not give them affection and she doesn't understand. I told her that I didn't know that the therapeutic hold was a form of a discipline. She said "really?" sarcastically "well what did you think it was?". I told her I thought it was a way to help protect the child from hurting themself when they were thrashing and tantruming and then a way to try to bond when it was over.

She didn't have anything to say about that and BTW, I don't believe for a minute a therapeutic hold is a form of discipline. We haven't used the hold in a long time either.

She said that she can't believe that I find forcing affection on my children sexually abusive but not spanking them. I told her I didn't think the manner I was spanking them in was abusive. There was no sexual intent or innuendo. Nothing like that ever crossed my mind.

Then she said, still sarcastically, "Well I'm sorry if I snapped at you that day but it upsets me that a mother can't hug her children. I can't wrap my head around that. I hope that you are able to grow and get over your issues and love these children."

I gave up, I just looked her dead in the eye and I told her "I will" I mean there's no point in fighting with the almighty herself (as she thinks she is).

You can ask my kids if they are getting enough love and affection and they will tell you they are. You can ask my kids if they get hugs and affection when they want and they will tell you they do.
She keeps asking them if they are getting enough attention and affection to the point that they are tired of it.

She's blaming me for their RAD symptoms. The lying, the stealing, the tantrums, etc... it's my fault because I'm not giving them enough love and attention. Which is hilarious to me because when I told her that I too wanted to end sessions so I could have more time at home with the kids she told me I was doing all that I could and that I was doing everything right and that there was five of them and only one of me and there would never be enough to go around. So which is it?

Oh but let me tell you, all the kids successes, they aren't because of my work with the kids nor the kids hard work at all. It's all because of her therapy. I don't see how us all sitting around telling on each other while she yawns is therapy and I think she knew it because she told me she stopped working on bonding with us because no bonding could be done when there was so much chaos and trouble going on...does that even make sense? It seems by not working on bonding we are just perpetuating the trouble.

I want to know-- Moms with RAD kids in therapy...have your therapists ever told you to force affection on your children? You know when they are mad at the world and hate you with the fiercest of hates because you breathe? When they are stiff and uncomfortable or when they tell you not to hug them or touch them?

The other thing that happened is that the boy went in for his terminating session today happy and hugging me and stuff and when he came out he wouldn't even look at me and he seemed angry with me. I tried to talk to him but he didn't seem to want anything to do with me which was strange. He loosened up after we went outside of the office and walked around while we waited for CDQ to finish.

At dinner, I reminded Poufy that her last day was tomorrow. I talked to Hubs about how weird the boy was acting and Hubs said it was like she was turning them against us.

That's when CDQ piped in that she was too scared to tell us but a while ago the therapist had asked her if I was a bad person because she (the therapist) told her that she thought I was a bad person. I was going to ask her more about it but Hubs thought she was lying and told her that the therapist would never say I was a bad person. I told Hubs "after she called me in last time I wouldn't be surprised if she did" ( I hadn't talked to Hubs about all that had transpired because I didn't want to say anything with the kids around.)

So that's where we stand going into our last appointment today. I think if she asks to speak to me again I am going to decline because I am tired of biting my tongue and I'm apt to tell her where to go with detailed verbal instructions.

And then it will be over...

As I sat in the therapist's office waiting for my kids, I realized that I was feeling very ill. I wondered if it was just being in the office and the stress of all the BS that was making me feel that way.

Poufy came out as I was calling Hubs to confirm that he hadn't thought of something else I needed to pick up because even though I have a cell phone it's always when I walk through the door that I hear "Oh yeah!, I was gonna call you...we need...". ARGH!

Anyway, Poufy came out and she was staring at me, I finally asked her why she was acting weird. She told me what had transpired. When she told me that, I asked yet again where she got the "Other things" part. They all were chiming that they wanted to do other things. I've never promised them other things. I've told them they can do activities when they earn, when they act their age, and when they are doing the things they are supposed to do. Always.

Because when they did softball, I paid a TON of money for banquets and stuff that they didn't even end up going to. I learned my lesson.

I started to get suspicious about what exactly was going on here. I started questioning. I really liked the new therapist until I had to let her go. I mean if the kids at different times were reporting to me and Hubs that she was weird and mean and they didn't like her, how much therapy can they get done? When I talked about terminating, that's when the claws came out. She's been unprofessional and mean to me ever since.

I think she thinks I am saying stuff about her. As childish as that is, I'm not. Apparently, the oldest said something about her doing it for the money, and how could she not deduce that when she's been with me and the therapist has talked about how many hours she puts aside for my family and how she needs to make a living, etc...?

I just found out inadvertently that Poufy asked her if she sees them for money. Grrreat!

I wish the therapist would just talk to me. She knows the kids are habitual liars. It's part of their diagnosis. *shaking my head*

Anyway, the other issue is the boy. He knows how to put on a good show. Really. The previous therapist had said that about him, but I didn't quite understand what he meant until the Boy's session this past week. You see now that we are terminating, the therapist is working on bonding issues.

Well, the boy knows the right things to say. He told the therapist he was damaged because his mom didn't feed him baby food. As the BS was getting deeper. I did stiffen and I pulled away as the therapist leaned in closer and closer giving him the exact reaction he wanted. He was eating it up.

I'm not discounting that it may be an issue but I have to wonder since I had been talking to Hubs in our bedroom at night well after their bedtime about how I couldn't remember seeing jars of baby food, etc... the night before whether he was pulling from that and testing the waters.

He's never said he's damaged. I didn't even think he knew what the word meant. He made up a story about how the oldest said that but I know she doesn't use that word either and I asked her about it and she said it never happened.

Anyway, the writing was on the wall, and I understood now how he was comfortable in the victim role and willing to perpetuate it for as long as he was getting the reaction he wanted. When I redirected from that to something else (because it was so obvious to me it was BS) he tried to play with her toys and she snapped at him.

The boy uses his biological parents as a crutch. I know he has issues and trauma. No doubt at all. But when he uses it for reasons like: not being able to count by tens, or mainly to get out of things he doesn't want to do. It's total BS. Especially when I turn it and say something like "well, if you are feeling that way maybe it's not a good idea to go outside" and then all of a sudden he's fine.

At any rate, I finally laid down a schedule with her and our last day will be next Thursday. Sadly enough, I'm not sure that I am relieved. I keep telling myself it is the right decision but only time will tell really.

She needs therapy...lots of it.

So, yesterday the kids therapist did a home visit and as we were sitting in the living room doing a family therapy session in comes my middle cat, Purries. (We have 3).

She's carrying her teddy bear in her mouth and she's meowing a high pitch scream for good measure, I guess. I was so embarrassed. I tried to play it off but then it got worse.

The kids were all sprawled across the floor in a half circle. Purries joined the circle. That wasn't good enough for her. She went up to the therapist and jumped on his lap where she then put her face in his.

I told him she needed therapy too. I said she's been acting awful talking back, etc... he chuckled. Then I yelled to Purries to get down and go to her room. She turned around and did her meow ow ow ow thing to me (talking back) and she shot me dirty looks. I looked at the therapist and said "you see." Then I told her to get down again. She did but not happily.

As she was leaving, the therapist said she had to learn it from somewhere and he looked at each of the kids.

Purrs picked up her teddy and went back to her room.

Cats...they are crazy aren't they?

I'm going to try to get her talking back to me on video so I can post it here. It's something else.