When fear collides...

Hello, my name is Sasha and I'm a dumb@$$.

Remember, that post where I ended with the words "my eyes are open"?  Well let's just say my allergies clouded them over for a few.

Apparently I share the same condition as my children.  I scared the crap out of myself with the idea of what CDQ was going to do to tear apart our family. She has been so hateful and accusing. That day that I drove her to the therapist she acted all smug-like. I was sure she had a whole set of lies to get herself out of our home. Because she is a child and is unaware of the weight of her words, I was terrified by whatever lies she would conjure up.

CDQ did not let me see her, the real her.  I didn't understand that her hatefulness and heartlessness was a coverup for protection.  I kept telling myself that she was scared and I would tell her too that she was scared. But somewhere it got jumbled and I started to believe her. I think it had to do with my fear of being unable to protect the other children and my husband from her.

Anyhow, last Friday the therapist had given me "prescriptions" to work on with CDQ.  10-20-10 of undivided attention. Meaning give her 10 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes during the day and 10 minutes at night and to tell her at night that I loved her and was glad she was in our family and that I would always be there for her.  Then last appointment when both CDQ and I met with her, she wanted me to lightly rub CDQ's temples, run my fingers along the curve of the skull behind the ear, along her shoulder, down her arm ending on the front of her hand between her pinky and ring finger.

I will confess that I wasn't able to do it. I haven't even been able to look her in the eye. When I woke up today, I thought I could just run away. After I poured my heart out to the bestest Hubbins ever and went out to grab some dinner, I felt a release.

So tonight, I trudged into her room bracing myself for the abuse.  I saw the fear in her eyes when I came into the room. She was lying down and sat up quickly. You could say we both braced ourselves.  I told her I was there to do what the therapist said we should do.  I pretended like I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do and I let her show me on herself.  I did a brief recap of appropriate and inappropriate touching just in case (did I mention that I am terrified of her making something up? I did. ok.) Then I did it on her noting the pokiness of her ears, etc... That made her giggle, but I could tell there was something else going on.  I could see in her eyes the shift. I was dealing with the real CDQ now.

All of a sudden she was talking nonstop without pause.  Not in the combative way either.  I was worried she was going into a form of a hysteria...you know the one where people talk and don't breathe or stop? That one... But I realized this is exactly what the therapist was talking about when she said "it oozes out of her".  I had never seen this side of her.  I could smell her fear. She was sweating and I realized what she meant when she said she always has a fever.  She never does but she's so scared she's sweating but she thinks it's from a fever.

She was talking about how at night Freddy, Michael, Jason, the devil and her bio father get together in her room but from hell. (Yes, she's seen all those movies and more. ) She hears their voices from the floor discussing whose going to come up and kill her or how she is going to go to hell anyway.  I forgot "IT' the clown. I haven't seen the movie but he's part of  it too and she sees clowns on her wall and outside her window. The clowns tell her they are there to protect her but they smile at her scary and she's not sure she can trust them.

She also hears boys talking and telling her things, like if she looks down she's going to see certain things or if she doesn't do what they say (mainly looking at scary things she imagines are there) or closes or eyes she will regret it.

She thinks the Littlest Pet Shop Monkey on her wall is angry at her because it thinks she stares at it. Her baby alive doll scared her and she was mean to it and threw it and now she thinks the doll hates her and she's scared of it.

This was just the tip of the iceberg.  I reassured her she had done nothing to have a spot in hell and that no one could say to her that she wasn't going to heaven or that she was going to hell.  I addressed this first because that's when the tears started falling, when she thought she was going to hell.

I mainly let her get it out and then I asked her if I could hug her and I held her tightly and reassured her that she was going to be ok and that I would do everything I could to help her feel safe. She was clinging to me when I told her she should have let me know about the doll, I would never make her keep it in the room. I told her I was sure that the doll understood and didn't hold anything against her.  I also asked her if she only saw these things in the dark or if it happened when the light was on too. We decided to leave the light on for now.

I just checked on her and she is out. Normally she is huddled in a fetal position with her back against the wall and she is wide awake. Right now, her foot is hanging off the bed her hands are out in different directions and she hasn't moved an inch. Her monitor sits here on my desk and I can usually hear her tossing and turning.  I haven't heard that tonight.

I took the doll out and the Littlest Pet shop decals from the wall out too. Unfortunately, she feels every doll stares at her. I'm not sure a lovey is the right answer right now.  She even thinks the penguin on her bedspread stares at her. I had her flip it over and that seems to be better.

There's so much that I am leaving out, she talked about her her bio parents, other relatives who have passed. But I get it now. I really do get it now and I completely understand what the therapist was saying because I am sure this is the CDQ she saw.  I am certain it is.

Here I was sitting imagining my kids being taken away and Hubbins having to go into a home. For those who aren't familiar, this stems from the previous "therapist" who threatened that she could report me but would not tell me why.  I think it was a mind game she was trying to play on me and I guess it worked.

Anyhow, I still feel at a loss because I am not sure how to make her feel safe. I wish I could take all these fears from her and put them into her bio parents heads in such a way that it would transform into their greatest fears and that they would be plagued with the damn things forever.

What I didn't say...

The therapist, let's call her T, asked me what I did for myself. I told her nothing.  But I realize that's not quite true.

I cuss.

I cuss for myself. It's my only outlet.  I liken it to a smoker though. I hate it. It makes me feel stupid and low class. I didn't start cussing in earnest until I was about 27 or so. I believe it coincided with painting Hubbin's entire house by myself and getting it ready for sale. By. myself. I learned I was allergic to  paint... There's more to that story and some day...some day I'm going to tell it all no matter who looks bad in the end.  So like I would imagine a reluctant smoker feels, I am a reluctant (although to hear me you wouldn't know it.) cusser.

Yes, it makes me a hypocrite to my kids, I'm sure,  because I always tell them I wish I would have never started and that I hate it and that I can hear how stupid I sound.  I have tried to stop but it's so frickin' automatic now, I stop in the middle.  I've tried the whole son of a biscuit but I've added a twist that ends up including a cuss word. *sigh*

I guess I get points for creativity.

Anyhow, I'm supposed to start meeting with a therapist of my own. I agreed to it. But I don't want to. I don't want to go back in to my past. It sucked, I survived, the end. Ya know?

I don't want to talk about what happened to me. I don't want to know.  I want to focus on how to manage my stress now.

You see as time goes on, one thing is becoming increasing clear. CDQ is killing me.

Tonight as The Oldest told me how CDQ managed to slip past me and still start crap with her, I literally felt my left thumb and knuckle swell. When I looked down at my hand, I saw the creases in my hand expanded.  My hand literally went into a flare up.  I knew it wasn't like that before because I had just tried to take some pics of the full moon outside and there's no way my hand would have let me hold the camera like that. Plus, it's a taut and painful feeling.

I've noticed that I have jaw pain. I grind my teeth all the time now. My jaw is always set.  After we came back from the therapists, I had large welts on the back of my tongue. I know this because one busted and I was in immediate pain and have been ever since.

I am not a hypochondriac. I've always been a very healthy person. Even growing up, I almost always never caught anything and if I did, I was the very last.

I'm just putting 2 and 2 together and it's pointing to CDQ.

Since I've realized this, I have been trying to minimize her effect on me.  I didn't even know I was letting her get to me so throughly. I mean, I know she was trying me but I didn't know she was succeeding. It feels like a violation because I can't seem to figure out how to control my body's reaction to her.  Tonight I was supposed to do a touching exercise with her. I just can't.

It begs the question, can I feel this way? Our kids are allowed space from us. They are allowed to decide when and where and how. Yes or no. Etc... But what about us parents?  Sometimes I am a single parent because Hubbins can't help. Don't get me wrong, he does the best he can. But he's known for a while that CDQ specifically stresses him out. He's more in tune with his body than I am. I feel like I have to protect him too.

Right now I just feel like my world is turned upside down and I have no control over anything.  I feel like I spend my time chasing other people's ideas of what should be. I feel like other people get to live their lives, make their own choices and decisions and I'm stuck being accountable to everyone.

My work hours were cut but I'm still expected to provide the same services I was doing with eleven additional hours even though those hours are gone. I keep expecting social workers, case workers, etc... to pop in and tell me I am a failure and to take my family from me. It probably is irrational. But I even feel like my own home isn't my own.

Somehow I'll find my ground and I'll be ok. I know I just have to find my voice and stand my ground. I just feel soooo tired.

Alone

So I met with the attachment therapist on Friday, just me. She didn't ask me anything about CDQs behaviors. She just said over and over again how awful it is for the "poor baby". If you are sensing sarcasm, yes, there is a little.  She didn't let me tell her anything about the "poor baby".

See, once upon a time, I did feel sorry for CDQ but then I caught her. It's a hard concept for me to swallow when I try to explain to the therapist that I feel this time is different. My other kids did things out of fear and they still do it and it's written all over their faces. Sometimes, CDQ does do things out of fear and I can tell. But she also does things out of malice. The therapist says that CDQ isn't even aware of what she is doing and I can understand that to a point. But when she brags to the oldest about how she likes to do certain things...things that the therapist is telling me CDQ isn't aware of doing...well...who do I believe?  

The therapist says CDQs short term memory is compromised, but CDQ admitted this to the oldest the other day when she hadn't been around the others to do these things for at least three days.

I was excited on Friday, I had hope. I even signed up for a parenting class. But my whole world turned upside down when she called CDQ in today and told me I could wait outside.

You see, CDQ was viewing this meeting as her get out of jail free card. She was viewing it as an opportunity to spew her lies to the sympathetic woman and to get a whole new family.

I told her I did not want CDQ to go by herself and that I had read that she shouldn't. So the therapist asked CDQ if she wanted me in there.

That was... frustrating. At best.  Of course she isn't going to want me in there refuting her lies. Duh.

So off CDQ went. We wonder why kids are all screwed up in general...well hello people! Mental or not, apparently the kids rule the world and we are their servants.

I got the last 10 minutes with both of them. I want more than anything in the world not to feel the way I do right now. I want to trust this therapist. I want to know she understands.  But I don't feel that. She kept cutting me off.  She kept telling me it was ok for CDQ to tell lies and for me to tell her it was ok.

But to me it's not ok.

I'm the sole person to protect my family.  I feel like CDQ has all the power. One lie to the right person and my WHOLE family can be gone.  Think about it, put yourself in my shoes.

My husband is handicapped.  If someone tells a lie, even he can be removed from my home against his will and put in a home.  My other kids are thriving, if they are taken from me, I don't know if they will recover again. To them, I'll be just another person who lied to them.

Yes, I am being hyper vigilant like my kids because *I* don't have anyone who will have my back for my entire family.  One kid shouldn't have that power. But I feel like she does.

People with authority have gone out of their way to make me feel incompetent. I've been threatened twice. Not because I did anything, just because I was asking for help. Help for my kids. Help to make them whole again.

Then I have this stupid autoimmune disease that is triggered by stress and trauma. I have no insurance because I am terrified of being diagnosed officially and then being denied insurance or being forced to pay for an insurance that I won't be able to use for anything pertaining to the "pre-existing condition"which is my sole need for insurance in the first place.  I feel like everything is stacked against me.

I feel like our kids do. I feel like there is no safe place.

I feel like I'm letting go of CDQ.  This therapist seems so excited because I know about the things she is talking about (strong sitting, tapping, reiki, EMDR--she calls all but the last different things). I just wish she would hear me, this time it's different.  Like her, I don't believe in labels or meds.  But I do know that  mental disease runs in her family. I wish she wouldn't rule that out entirely.   I know all the kids aren't the same and yeah, maybe my other kids might relapse...but it's NOT the same.  There is something wrong with CDQ. Even the therapist was surprised that CDQ had never been in a RTC.

So, I am going to give her a shot. I will let her try her thing. Maybe the therapist does have somethings up her sleeve that I don't know about.  I still spoke to her and told her what CDQ was thinking, I told her that I needed to be kept in the loop and I told her how the other therapist had threatened me.  She said she would talk to me and that she would never do anything like what the other therapist did...but I sit and wonder if I didn't make a mistake telling her that? I mean if one therapist thought something like that, maybe it's a flag to another therapist.

I feel like I will just go through the motions.  If this ends badly, I guess in the end it will help when I go to disrupt the adoption because I did try.  But if it works.... if it works.... well, I don't know if I can let myself go there right now.

I wonder if some of you who are reading this are frustrated with me.  Maybe you think I have it coming because I seem to just be giving up. But sometimes I wonder if it's worth the fight, if maybe some place else isn't better for her.  I read about Gala and how she took in N and I see how much better N is doing with Gala and I have to wonder...sometimes...it's just the right thing. What if this is one of those times?

I have to say I AM at the end of my rope and I haven't tried this. I don't know whether to go with my gut feeling because my gut feeling is also rooted into the way I was brought up which I know was wrong.  (Control, power, strict---children should be seen and not heard, do not speak unless you are spoken too (grandparents)/if you just smack the kid and bully it, it will do as it's told (mother and stepfather). For clarity, that's the way I was raised not the way I am raising my kids AT ALL.) I feel like my gut feeling is more of a feeling of fear than anything else.  Maybe if she would have listened to me, but maybe it's true what she says... it doesn't really matter what CDQ is saying.  She didn't really say it like that, but she basically said that everything CDQ says and does comes from fear and that I shouldn't pay attention to what she says as much as I should work on making her feel safe.

This therapist is a certified Beyond Consequences trainer. She follows the love based approach of Heather Forbes and B. Bryan Post.  I've just started reading the book, she said things will be clearer after I have read the book and taken her parenting classes. I start my classes next Wednesday.   I wish I knew someone who has used this stuff. Someone who has had an attachment therapist who uses this stuff.  Because on the other side of the token, what if this is the answer. What if *I* am the one who doesn't "get it"?

She did some tapping, reiki and EMDR with CDQ today, should I be present for that stuff anyway?  She said for EMDR that I wouldn't be in the room anyway.

I just need to know that my family is safe.

Daughter

I've been sick the last couple of days. The "knocked on your @$$" kind of sick.  It was a combo of queasy stomach, flo visiting, RA flareups hell.  My stomach is still complaining but at least it's not as bad.

Friday, I decided homeschool was having a half day. I had been sick the day before, but it really hit Friday and yesterday. So I sent the kids outside after they finished their packets for the day. (I know sneaky...it's a half day at school but you have to finish a full day of school work!)

Anyhow, the boy, Poufy and CDQ  were outside playing when the boy and Poufy came flying in. They were both talking at the same time and CDQ came running in behind them trying to scream above them.

Of course I knew CDQ had done something again.  This time she decided to share her dream about a man grabbing his weenie and peeing in her mouth.  She knows this is inappropriate.  She's lying to me that she didn't tell the younger ones on purpose.  I was torn between WTF? and why are you abusing them?

See, this is the way I feel... wtf? because where does she get this stuff from? Did it really happen to her? I don't believe someone can dream something like that without having seen it. Which leads to What the hell is wrong with people?!?! I mean peeing---REALLY!?!  Argh.

Then there's the other part of me that gets pissed in a different way. I can see CDQ not wanting to play what ever Poufy and the boy were playing but because they were having fun, she had to spoil it and what better way then to mentally abuse them? I've learned that she's doing it all the time. They have bad dreams when she's around them and who can blame them? She's flipping them off and threatening them with her fist to her face in the hallways where there are no cameras and when I'm not there.

I try my best to limit how many kids are out at a time. But sometimes they get passed me. I tell them to yell or to tell me when it happens, but she scares them.

I keep thinking and even dreaming about my kids. CDQ is running my house. I don't like that. My other kids are flourishing but they are still locked down in a sense. I think in a previous post, I mentioned that they could do without the door alarms and talk restrictions. They can branch out. They've earned trust.

So, Friday after the kids ran in, I decided CDQ needed to come in.  For her birthday we had given her an American Girl sewing project. I sat her down next to me and while I worked on her baby blanket, she worked on the stuffed owl she was supposed to sew.

It was so different. Not CDQ, she lost her patience with me several times because she believes she knows everything even when she is asking for help. But my other children played outside until dinner with no problems. No fights. If they came in it was for water and the bathroom. We could hear them giggling and laughing SO HARD through the intercom. We are talking like 5 hours together with no fights.

I figured something needed to be done. I could see such a difference in them. In my mind I saw the boy crying with his head on the table because he didn't want to leave us.  Yep, CDQ had told him something that made him think he was going to have go.  I reassured him this was his home and no one was going anywhere save for maybe CDQ.  I said that because I don't know and I want it to be clear that it's a possibility BECAUSE she needs help.  The last thing I want is for her to be removed and the others to start wondering when they are next because they figured I lied about anyone going anywhere.

So my solution is... I have a four bedroom house right now. The kids occupy three.  I have put up fabric shower curtains in the rooms to separate each side to try to make it a room of its own.  Poufy and CDQ share one room, the boy and SS share the other and the oldest is in the big room alone.

Today I will be on a mission to find bunk beds. I still believe the oldest needs a room of her own and I will give her the small room. Which by the way, the small room is 10' by 10' with walk in closet. I believe that is standard and the reason why I bring it up is because sometimes I want to wring the oldest's neck. She complained.  I mean, really. I can just move her in with CDQ, turn that room back into my sewing room and call it a day. Right? At least she's getting her own flipping room, you know? But I digress, I want to find bunk beds because I want to put SS, Poufy and the boy in the big room and CDQ in the other small room by herself.

I don't know the dimensions of the big room but when we bought the house it was already painted for Blues Clues, but more importantly, it has vaulted ceilings so I can put a set of bunk beds in there and not have to worry about them taking off their heads with the ceiling fan.

CDQ insists she wants to be alone. She will get to be alone.  She demands to be given what she has earned she will find out what that is. She has been holding the other children back and I stupidly have been letting her. Not anymore.

I'm not going to allow her to control what goes on around here or stunt the growth of the other kids because she doesn't want them to be happy.

I'm not talking about full isolation. But I am going to encourage them all to grow and give the other kids a chance to prove themselves.  This means, I will leave their door open during the day. I will trust them not to steal because when it boils down to it and I think about it...they haven't for almost a year. CDQ has, but not the others. CDQ is still eating from the trash but the others aren't. CDQ is still touching herself but the others aren't.  The others do lie, but it's not automatic anymore. Sometimes lies come out and we talk about it, but for the most part they are being as honest as kids can get when they've done something wrong. CDQ is still blatantly lying and getting violent over it.

No, I don't think they are angels either. They get into disagreements and I let them work it out amongst themselves and they do because their disagreements (without CDQ ) are normal sibling stuff.  I'm proud that they can work it out. I'm not trying to make it sound like CDQ causes everything and we are all unicorns and rainbows without her. I'm just starting to realize the truth about what is really going on here. I was so used to saying "you guys..." but it's not "you guys" anymore and I am so grateful to be seeing it now before the other kids might have given up on me.

I guess I'm hoping for the others to continue to grow and either CDQ will decide she wants to be a part of it or not.

Somebody once told me if I could save one of them it would be worth it all and I thought it was ridiculous.  But now that I have four on the line. I so get it. I understand.

On that note, I will leave you with something I can't remember whether I shared or not.  It was an eye opener. Poufy had come in to tell me good night and she made a point of saying "Mom" loud and clear for CDQ to hear, jokingly I said in the same loud voice she had "Goodnight DAUGHTER!" I listened to hear if CDQ was going to say something to her but instead I heard Poufy skip towards the kitchen and hiss to the other kids. "She called me daughter! I'm her daughter." Even typing that makes me tear up. I had no idea that any of them wanted that.  They had pushed me away so much that I just stayed where I was at not wanting to push them or take anyone else's place.

My eyes are opening.

ICK-A-PICK

So last night at dinner, we were sitting around and the kids were talking about this and that when CDQ, as usual either has to bring up bad things from the past or say things to try and scare the kids.

For some reason, last night it was about the stupid bloody mary thing kids do in the bathroom with a flashlight or something. It was clearly bothering SS who asked her to please stop talking about it.

I had already tried to steer the conversation a different way without conflict, but CDQ just seemed to think she was supposed to continue on in intervals around everyone else's topic.  Any how, SS had politely asked her to stop and CDQ lashed out at her and told her "then you should just cover your ears."

I told CDQ she wasn't being very nice and asked her how happy she would be if someone was saying something that scares her and they wouldn't stop.

Little Poufy, decided she was going to try and intercede. She said with wide eyes "I didn't know that the Queen's name was bloody mary!"  I asked her where she found that out. She said the dictionary.  She said they have a lot of queens in there.

There was one queen she said she couldn't read her name, but she was the queen of ickapick.  I laughed and said "What?" and she repeated it. I asked her to spell it but she couldn't remember.

I said "Ick--A--pick..." really slow trying to figure out what it sounded like and came up with nothing.  In the meantime, the boy was sitting across from me and had this "lightbulb moment". He said: "Oooooooh, IckAAAAPick." and shook his head like he knew exactly what she was talking about now that I had said it slow and all.  SS chimed in like she'd been to IckAPick herself. The whole time their serious little faces are smeared with chocolate icing and bits of chocolate cake and green sugar.

I looked at them and then I realized they thought that I had corrected Poufy's pronunciation of Ick A Pick.  Then I laughed my head off and explained that I was just repeating what she said and still had no clue what she was talking about.

We didn't figure out what she was talking about until later. After dinner, in honor of St. Patrick's Day, we decided to watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People.  In the movie, there's a horse named Cleopatra.

Poufy said, "that's the name of the queen I couldn't remember!"

I didn't catch on until Hubbins said "Cleopatra? Do you mean Queen of Egypt?"

The mystery of Ick-A-Pick has been solved! :-)

Attachment Therapists or The crazies, Part 5

This is part 5 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here

Part two is here

Part three is here:

Part four is here:

===============================================
I told you guys I had a lot to say.  I'm just picking up on the recent stuff.  This is so exhausting and draining.  I know it's a lot to read... but I thank you for "listening" and I thank QueenMommy for being so open and honest about her feelings in her last post and helping me feel like this something I need to sit down and do.

When I spoke to the intake specialist, I told her that I needed to know how to go about disrupting an adoption. I had to go back to the beginning and explain what was going on, list to her all CDQ's disorders, etc...

She asked me if I wanted to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I'll be honest with you and anyone else who asks. No. I didn't. I told her about the last "play therapist" and the triangulation and told her that I just don't think I could go through that again. I needed someone who was trained in RAD.

Are you sitting down?


I am almost about to cry... I said that flippantly to her  because there were never "RAD specialists", in fact the only one who was the closest to knowing anything more than what it stood for was the doc that prescribed the meds who worked for this place but she didn't do therapy. She mentioned they worked on attachment issues there at the center, I believe, but I was so beaten up by the last therapist and the lack of cooperation with the insurance company and the kids meds that I decided to try to figure it out myself back then.

They have TWO therapists who work with RAD kids and there is a woman therapist who she was thinking of for CDQ.   This woman works exclusively with RAD kids.

I was fighting back becoming a blubbering idiot over the phone with the intake person.  She told me she had asked all the questions she needed and she would be passing the info to the director for his decision on whether they could take CDQ on.

I didn't hear from them that day.

Yesterday at lunch, I couldn't even make eye contact with CDQ. I knew it was stupid...but I'm serious when I say no matter what I do, I'm doing something to her, even if I'm not even acknowledging her. Or more precisely as Hubbins puts it. "There's something about you where she just keeps coming after you and attacking you."

Any how, all of sudden she's dying to talk to me. She's doing the equivalent of getting in my face (at least as close as she will let herself to me) and telling me what she thinks I want to hear.

I sat there and even though I had no facial reaction on the outside, I was cussing myself out on the inside... I was yelling at myself because, I mean, isn't this what got us to RAD in the first place in a way. Her mother rejecting her and ignoring her? I'm just like my freaking sister!  Aren't I? I'm doing the same damage! She's trying to reach out and here I am being a dumb@$$.

So, indeed like a dumb@$$. I took the bait.  I answered her and then she asked me if she could talk to me later.  I told her not if it was going to end up in an argument. She said "Oh, well, nevermind." I said "ok." and then she went on to tell me that it was probably going to make me mad and yell.  I told her I already knew it wouldn't because I will not let her upset me.  I also told her if it was about her leaving, it won't happen anytime soon, if at all and I'm not upset about it.

Because Lord only knows what kind of pleasure she would get out of thinking she's able to get a rise out of me.  It may be her problem because I used to let myself get all worked up and feel so bad for her, etc...but I really physically can't any more. Trauma and stress exacerbate my RA and sends me into flare ups. Then I'm no good for anyone.  I stopped letting her get to me to the point of panic attacks around last Thanksgiving.  Then when Hubbins was in the hospital and almost died, I let all that crap go because     I had all that time alone to see what a toll it was taking on me to have nurses telling me it was too much and looking at me with pity.   I had a chance to see the mess I've become and to know it's sooooo not working or making any difference to anyone.

I got a call late yesterday from the intake person. YES! They will take CDQ and she will have the female therapist.

Then I thought she said that the first time she wanted to see us together and then she would see CDQ separately.

I have to tell you, first that I am absolutely terrified to do this therapy thing, but I know it is absolutely necessary.

I told her immediately that the therapist would not ever be seeing CDQ alone because I know that children with RAD should never be left with the therapist alone.

She stumbled....and here's the part where I look like the lunatic. She had said that the therapist wanted to meet with me separately first so for me not to bring CDQ with me the first time.

Um, PARANOID MUCH??? *blush*

I'm not kidding when I say the last therapist totally pulled a mindf-- over all of us.

I have to say, I'm already liking her and I've never spoken to her. Could be my first mistake already.  The last therapist met with me and each of the kids. She had me describe their RAD (= negative) behaviors in front of them and then went down a list of behaviors and she asked the kids if they did those things.... yup one at a time...each child.

That's when the trouble really began...especially with the bathroom issues...crapping and peeing in the bedrooms, etc...

I'm very nervous because if the new therapist is a trained attachment therapist and she sees through CDQ...does that mean I am going to have to bring an angry violent child back home with me so she can terrorize my other regulated children now?

I am totally about admitting my mistakes, but I'm wondering if I should be so quick to put all my cards on the table? That's what the last therapist tried to use against me in the end.

Plus, I'm calling out to all of you. I am in dire need of advice regarding attachment therapists. What do I look for? What's ok and what's not?  What should I know?

Please help... If you don't know or know of someone who would have some stuff to share, forward this to them and ask them if they'd be willing to enlighten me. My appointment is on the 26th. I want to go in to it with my eyes wide open this time.

It's the last thread I am holding on to. Just a few weeks ago before all hell broke loose, she sat on my bed, knees touching, she held my hand as we watched Amazing Race. The weekend before that she sat at my feet with her head resting on my leg. My heart won't let me believe because of those shared moments, she's punishing us both.

The crazies, Part 4

This is part 4 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

Part three is here.

Part five is here.

=============

So the next day (yes we are getting closer to today).  I needed some help.  I needed at least two kids to help me.

CDQ jumped up that she wanted to help, but I chose Poufy and SS. I told CDQ that I know that she doesn't want to be around people and I needed two kids for the job and that's why I didn't choose her.

She had nothing to say about that.

At mealtimes, I have two kids that eat so fast they end up choking. The boy and Poufy. I had resolved that (or so I thought) by having them recite a math problem (i.e times tables) between bites.  I thought I was extra clever by having another child check the problem. So, Poufy would say 5x5 is 25 and CDQ would say it's right or it's wrong and then they would both take a bite.

Well, CDQ took this as an opportunity to control Poufy by taking her sweet time answering her whether the problem was wrong or right. I didn't know that because she didn't do that when I was at the table. I'm not always at the table with them because I'm feeding Hubbins in bed if he isn't able to get up that day.

So, when it came time for lunch, I told them that SS or the oldest would be checking Poufy's problems from now on (she's slowed down, but not enough to stop the choking)  which worked out nicely actually since they both need a refresher on multiplication problems and couldn't care less to control anyone.

All of a sudden, there CDQ is answering before anyone else gets a chance.  That time it was the oldest. I said "Wow, if I had known that all I needed to do was give the job to someone else and then she (CDQ) would want to spend time with you guys, I would have done it a long time ago." Well, then she stopped.

I find myself getting irritated but not.  I register the feeling but it's also like I just don't care anymore. Why try anymore when she's not going to let it get through?

At least that's how I felt at that moment. She took that moment to tell me she wants a new home.  She doesn't want to live here any more. She wants to live somewhere fun (read: where she gets to do what she wants...where she hasn't burned her bridges and she thinks she will get her way). I asked her if she really thought it was going to be better some place else. If she really thought she could treat people the way she wants to and get away with it?

This was not said in anger, sadness, or anything like that. I was like in a numb state and it was probably said in a low monotone voice because I am drained.  She didn't answer me, so I started to get up to leave the table and I told her I'll see what I can do.

She started crying and yelling at me that I'm mad at her and that I'm yelling at her.

This is her way of putting everything on me.  I feel like I don't even have the strength to yell, if I even cared anymore to argue with her.  Which I haven't in a long time.

I told her I wasn't mad at her at all and that still- I'm not yelling at her.

What can I do?  Some people might have seen a ton of ways I could've approached the problem. But by then, I was done. I needed a break and I didn't want to play the blame game with her.  It's circular and a waste of time.

I started feeling like maybe she would be better some place else. Some place where she is the only kid.  But I started to worry because what if she didn't end up an only, what if she hurt other kids? What if she grew up to be just like her mother?

Because honestly guys... that's what put me into my numbness. It's like living in the same house with my sister again.  The same self-issue problems, the same anger problems, the same jealousy, hatred and narcism.  My sister and her need to be everything and control everything tore our family apart. She was the beginning and the end. When we were children she did everything to put everyone at odds and it was always about her.  She made my Mom feel so guilty and so worthless that she quit parenting everyone.  She shut down.

Then when we all grew up and got away from her, she did her best to ruin things when we did come together...and now with this...she still talks shit about me. She says I took her children. She takes no responsibility for any of this.  She plays the martyr and that has torn our family apart. My other two sisters defend me. My mom insists that their bio mother is her child.  I know she's your child, but she's abusive and sometimes-- child or not-- you need to let go.  She's an adult- 30 is too old.  Your grandchildren need you... she made her choices.  Why do you let her guilt and manipulate you still?

I sit and think these things and I realize...I have four other children. FOUR.  Do I let her destroy them? or do I let the one go and take only herself down?

I choose to be not like my mother. I will not let CDQ destroy this family.  If it comes to it, I will be sad for her. But my other children need a chance. After I finish this series on CDQ, I want to write all about how my other children have blossomed.

When I started to imagine what it would be like without CDQ here... I realized, my other children don't need the door alarms anymore, they don't need the cameras anymore, they don't even need the baby monitors anymore.  There are still meltdowns and tantrums but they are appropriate. They are common sibling issues when you share a room, bathroom, toys, etc...  they still have issues but they are more PTSD related than anything else.

The other thing, I found out the boy stopped running down the hall and yelling "Good Morning Mom and Dad!" because CDQ told him he was stupid because he did that.  I found out she tells SS that she's a kiss butt because she likes to stand beside me and hang on me and hug me and tell me she love, love, loves me.  CDQ told Poufy she was dumb for calling me Mom too.

I've noticed that CDQ hates when we are all laughing and joking. We were looking at Valentine's day pics on my computer and laughing  at the faces that we captured them making and she stood there biting her finger nails giving us all dirty looks. She said "Can you guys please stop laughing!" Poufy told her "No, this is family togetherness!"  So bittersweet- sad and proud.

At dinner the other day, we were laughing so hard because the oldest was supposed to be listening to Poufy's math and as she said in her own words she was "used to tuning her out" and then she passed gas and was mortified. Nasty but so funny because I said " You were tuning something out" and Hubbins chimed in "It's still out of tune!"  (No, we don't usually laugh at that kind of stuff, esp. at the dinner table...but it was one of those things) I realized that CDQ got up and she was going through stuff in the kitchen that she's not supposed to be. She probably moved things too.

Anyhow, that day when I got up from the table, I came to my room and tried to call the doctor that used to prescribe the kids meds. It's the only doctor I could think of who could possibly help.  She wasn't in and they told me my chances of speaking with her where nonexistent because of her tight schedule so I told the receptionist I needed to know about disruption.

This led to a conversation with the intake specialist...

The Crazies, Part 3- The day after.

This is part 3 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

Part four is here.

Part five is here.

============

The next morning there was hostility at the breakfast table from the other kids toward CDQ. They don't like the way she treats me or them.

I decided we were going to have a family meeting.  I told them that they needn't worry or be mad at CDQ about the other day because I truly wasn't mad then nor was I mad now. It was a new day and as far as I am concerned yesterday was the past and there's nothing we can do to change it.  It's done.

Probably not the best approach, but I thought about it and like I said in my previous post. I dunno what I could have done which, BTW, I am totally open to any suggestions or advice and won't take offense because I know we are all in different situations and see things differently and when we offer up something we don't mean to criticize or give bad advice, etc... it's all in the best interest of the child. Which is why I am putting this out there.

CDQ told me she wasn't mad anymore either. That she thinks it was because she had a dream the night before the incident where she saw her bio mom's face and she (bio mom) was screaming at her (CDQ) but it was my voice that her bio mom had.  That's when the oldest chimed in that she had the SAME dream except it was my face and her bio mom's voice.  (Well that's just f'in great, isn't it?) I asked the oldest when hers was and guess what? It was the night before my birthday, you know, my birthday the day that the oldest blew up and told me she hated me out of nowhere? Yeah, that day. I pointed that out to her (the oldest) and I could see she was stunned. She doesn't believe she has any issues regarding her bio mother.

Anyhow, CDQ and I had talked about her behavior towards others. She's totally in the pushing people away phase before they can hurt her.  She keeps saying she doesn't want to be around people and doesn't like people but her actions aren't saying that. Her actions are saying that she is hurting because she wants to be a part of it and she doesn't know how.

I've likened it to the fact that she is seems to be stuck in the terrible twos stage mentally. She tantrums and gets angry when people don't do what she wants just like a toddler who doesn't get the toy they want or whatnot.

I told the other kids that we were going to talk about the way CDQ makes them feel but we aren't going to use mean words or faces. We aren't going to attack her, we are just going to talk to her and let her know.

Well holy hell, I had no idea what she had done to them. I mean, I knew she had pushed the boy onto a barrel cactus in the past because he was in line to get in the car ahead of her and she wanted to get in first. I had heard about how she laughed when he got up with needles embedded in his stomach and was screaming...he was 2.  That I heard from MY youngest sister.

My other sister had also told me about how she caught CDQ trying to force Poufy and my nephew (her son) to kiss and touch each other.  I don't know if she succeeded only they know. I don't know if my sister would ever tell me the truth to that extent, like if something did happen. I think she would choose to keep it a secret and pretend it never happened.

So I kind of expected some things to be bad.  So yeah, she bites them, she puts her fist up to her face to intimidate them, she yells at them, she flips them off, she's touched some of them, etc... those are the things since they've moved here. Before that, it was worse. Most couldn't say for themselves. One thing they all had to share was how CDQ stabbed SS in the back with a knife.  Even the oldest was traumatized by that.

She said they were unloading the dishwasher somewhere and CDQ wanted to put something away that SS had. She tried to take it from her and SS refused and turned to put it away and that's when CDQ grabbed a knife from the dishwasher and stabbed her. The oldest said she started screaming because blood was gushing out of SS. No one took SS to the ER, no one reprimanded CDQ. I guess they all just swept it under the rug.

This gave me insight as to why SS was so unwilling to stand up for herself and challenge anything. I had no idea.

A long time ago, their bio mother tried to slice my wrist with a butter knife because someone had said something about her and I thought it was funny and laughed. She was that mad about it and she just flipped like a switch.

After they poured out their abuses. I explained to CDQ that I hadn't realized she had treated them so badly. I told her I was worried because she was abusing them and I asked her if she wanted to be like the people who have abused her.  She didn't answer me.

I asked the kids if they had ever had a chance to see the real CDQ. The one that likes to read and play etc... they said they had. I said if that CDQ wanted to hang out with you guys would you be open to that?

At first they were saying no, until Poufy hit it on the head. She said as long as CDQ wasn't mean or didn't hurt them, they liked including her. But she always gets mad.

Of course, CDQ was all about how she wanted to be alone and didn't want to play with them anyway.

I keep trying to make her understand that she can feel that way today but who knows when that will change. I keep trying to tell her she is 10 right now and when she is 15 she will be different and when she's 23 she'll be even more different.  This is just how she feels for now.

So I told her...when you guys are older, don't you want to be at their weddings? Don't you want to meet your nieces and nephews and be part of all that.

She was adamant that she did and she couldn't wait to be an Aunt.  I asked her if she thought that her siblings would let her around their children if they thought she was going to do the same thing to their children that she did to them.

That made her think.

I told her that they just opened the door for her. They said they were willing to give her another chance. I explained to her that the ball was in her court to change things. I told her she was the only one who could change it.

So what does she do?

She farts and says "Oh, that smells good! That's the best I've ever farted!" and she starts taking deep breaths.

I looked at the kids and it was like a sea of disbelief. I explained to them that it was too much for her to handle right now and that's why she's doing this.

I turned to her and told her, fine, if she wanted to be left alone I'd see what I could do. But she wasn't going to hurt anyone anymore.

The Crazies, Part 2

This is part 2 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here.

Part three is here.

Part four is here.

Part five is here.

====================
Just to clarify, in the previous post when I was talking about CDQ taking her own life, we were talking about a mental institution not suicide or a facility where she would be kept.  Not suicide.

Although we might as well get on with the story...which I can pick up on her total meltdown. Almost a week before we saw the doctor, she did really awful on her school assignments. It was about suffixes, prefixes, root words, and dictionary use. We are talking not one thing right in the unit. She didn't ask a question from me nothing.

I asked her what she didn't understand about her assignment and that's when she decided it was time to attack me verbally. First she started out by ignoring me when I was trying to explain the assignment. I told her if she didn't want to listen she could just leave and I would move on with the other kids.  So she went on about how she was listening and she just didn't want to look at me right now.

I should have just sent her to her room. But I was more like "whatever" and went on.  It was clear she wasn't listening as I progressed so I asked her what was wrong. She told me she thinks her answers are right and that I am wrong. She thinks that I don't understand the problems and that I don't know what I am doing.

I laughed. Wrong choice. That just pissed her off. But it turns out that she was already pissed off at me.As I talked to her she accused me of being mad at her, which, at that time I wasn't. Then she accused me of yelling at her...which I wasn't. I thought maybe I was talking too loud. I've explained to them that I might do that because I can't hear myself.

I don't know why I didn't see the signs that this was going to end badly. As I tried to explain how to use definitions and such. She kept verbally attacking me. Hubbins was in the room and told CDQ she was mistaken. I thought maybe if an uninterested third party came in (The oldest) it might make sense...

1.) I will never bring in another child when it comes to CDQ.  For the other kids, sometimes a sibling helps me to see or the child to see miscommunications. It's been really helpful before.

2.) I will not let CDQ verbally abuse me again. I will not sit by and let her attack me time after time.

I didn't get it. She was out for my blood. I thought I could ignore her BS and still teach her what she needed to know schoolwise.  That was until she hit paydirt. She started to attack me like my stepfather used to do when I would tell him I thought he was touching me inappropriately. It hit home and I told her to get out. Not in those words. But cuss words.

She won.

By some coincidence, my mom called about an hour later. I say coincidence because she called me on her lunch break from work. I talked it out with her. I wasn't mad any more and of course I could see the whole picture in hindsight. I was disappointed in myself and to be entirely honest I was scared and shocked because I didn't realize that those words that my stepfather said still had any power over me.  My fight wasn't with CDQ at all and I knew it as soon as I saw her retreat. My anger wasn't with her at all. It felt like it was little me, finally saying the words that were never said to defend myself.

I should have wrote about this sooner because this is where I get hazy.  I've asked Hubbins about it and he said basically we had ended her day because she was attacking everyone that day.

In our house, if you didn't sleep well, you are given a chance to rest or take a nap after we explain that we can tell (usually I know they didn't sleep well because I can see them tossing and turning at night). If you are having a bad day, you are given alone time to sort it out or try and work through it. But when you start attacking other people and won't see reason after explanations are given about the behaviors.  We end your day and wish for you to have a better day tomorrow.

This is after sending yuckies away, etc... and it's the last resort. Usually this happens when their anger  is disrupting everyone and could lead to them smacking each other.  It used to be common but has become very rare in the last 8-10 months.

Anyhow, we had ended CDQ's day and she was bringing her water bottle out of her room. I wasn't in the kitchen but Hubbins and a few of the other kids were. CDQ was screaming at me from the top of her lungs. I don't know what she was saying because I didn't know she was screaming at me. I wasn't in there.

When I heard the screaming, I did go in there because I didn't know what was going on. I still hadn't realized that she was screaming at me. I thought something had happened in there.  But when I saw what she was doing, it didn't matter who she was screaming at. She was out of control, drooling on herself and spitting while she yelled. I remembered that I had to take the child out of the situation before it escalated further and I grabbed her hand and started to lead her out of the kitchen, she pulled away so I grasped her from her shoulders and told her the show was over and we were leaving the kitchen.

I started to lead her out of the kitchen and she literally threw herself on the floor (her mother used to pull that crap.)  But she was and still insists that I threw her on the floor.  The other kids who saw have tried to tell her she's lying but I've asked them to just let it go. Besides, at the time we had the video cameras recording it all.

I tried to pull her up to a standing position the best I could and finally got her to her room. She was hysterical. I still don't know if this was right or wrong, but I let her go on for about 5 minutes or so without saying a word.  I can't tell you what she said because I couldn't understand her.  I did slap her.

Not maliciously. I was not angry with her at all.  But I was at a loss and I thought that it would snap her out of it, just like tv. That is not an excuse and as stupid as it sounds...I don't know what the hell I would do if it happened again because at that moment. She stopped dead in her tracks. No more screaming, no more fake crying. She turned and looked at me dead in the eye and calmly said "You shouldn't have done that. I want you to call the police right now. That's child abuse."

Um, ok... I told her that was not child abuse and I reminded her that the cameras were running and caught everything.  I couldn't help but feel like that was her plan all along. To try and get me to hit her.  Except it didn't quite work out because I never got mad and I didn't even know she was still mad at me or that the whole thing had anything to do with me.

I've explained to her and all my other children lest they think it was abuse... that it might not be the best thing to do, but I've never seen anyone hysterical like that in real life and that's what I've seen done to help a person snap out of it.  I also told her apparently it works because you aren't screaming anymore and you are able to talk to me.  I did tell her that I would find out if there was a different way to take care of that.

I don't know. I've looked things up and I guess probably the best situation is to call an ambulance for her if it happens again. There was mention of restraining or causing pain or soothing and hugging the person.  None of those things seem right to me given our situation.  Getting her to medical attention makes the most sense but how am I supposed to get her in the van and to the ER, I guess?  I don't know. I'm saving that question for the new attachment therapist.

Anyhow, after "the slap", she was able to tell me that she believes she is an evil monster who was born this way and will always be that way and when I told her she wasn't she tried to argue with me but I didn't engage. So she started biting herself and yelling at me that she likes to hurt herself because it feels good and she hides it under her pants.

I told her I wasn't going to stand there and watch her hurt herself and I left the room.  I watched her from the video cameras and after I left she immediately stopped biting herself and started rubbing her spots where she had started biting.

I know for a fact that she's not cutting, scratching or biting anywhere visible. Her Pj's are shorts and a tank top and she likes to spread her legs for effect around here trying to show everyone everything.  There are no marks on her. I don't think she made that connection yet. I haven't mentioned it because the last thing I want to do is make her really do it for effect.


Things I've learned so far-

1.) My child is hurting, I can see it clearly.
2.) I need to figure out how to keep footage of any incidents like these for the protection of everyone. My current system records but it resets when it's full and starts recording over previous stuff.
3.) I need to never be alone with her and keep a close eye on anyone else that is alone with her. I've always been keeping a close eye on her when she's around others, but I didn't realize I was going to have to protect myself in the same way from her as well.

I look at all the things that went wrong in this situation and I still sit here not completely sure how it could have gone differently for the better.

4.) I'm concerned about my lack of feeling when I am around CDQ. I don't feel empty when I think about her or write about her but when I'm near her. I feel disconnected and like I am not myself.

The Crazies, Part 1

This is part 1 of a 5 part post: 

Part two is here.

Part three is here.

Part four is here.

Part five is here.

===========
So CDQ has been doing her best to convince everyone that she is certifiably crazy.

I believe it is for attention and because we are getting too close for her comfort.

I feel sorry for CDQ.  There will never be enough of anything for her in this world. Never enough attention, never enough of anything she suddenly desires on a whim and it will be everyone's fault but her own. She's inherited that from her bio mother. I couldn't figure it out with her and I doubt that I will get it figured out with CDQ.

She's been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My problem with that is she is slowly but surely developing a conscience and she actually gets mad at herself after she has some of the behaviors. She knows right from wrong and she usually feels bad about herself after an outburst. She has come to me and told me she doesn't know why she does it, but usually afterwards she wishes she hadn't done it.

Granted, she's pretty coy (or at least she thinks she is) at manipulating people by trying to make them believe she is sincere when it's the farthest thing from the truth.

I've tried to see if I can find the triggers for these outbursts and such to try and prevent it but they are so varied and out of nowhere, I haven't been able to put my finger on it.  The little reading I've done on Borderline Personality Disorder definitely reflects CDQ's behaviors. However, they also reflect her bio parents behaviors too. Both bio parents. CDQ has something different. She recognizes the behaviors. Her bio parents will deny it all until they die.

Then I came across this article that said sometimes young children are diagnosed with BPD when they aren't. When they are young, children sometimes tend to see the world through their parents eyes. I wondered if CDQ was simply mimicking the things she had seen.

It doesn't seem farfetched since she is certainly mimicking her movie-induced ideas of crazy from the past.

Because of our past therapy experience, I am very leery to bring these behaviors to a doctor. I may not know the total ins and outs of CDQ, but I know her better than anyone else in this world. She can be convincing. Very convincing, maybe too convincing for a 15 minute visit to her pediatrician.

So last week, before her appointment with the doc, I put it out there. I may have embellished things a little or maybe what I said is really what happens... I dunno.

I told her that I needed to know if the things she was doing were real because if they aren't she needed to 'fess up now before I talked to the doctor about it. Her reaction towards bringing a doctor into the picture was priceless. It was very "Oh shit!" like. So I went with it. I told her that unlike her disorders, the kind of crazy (Jack Nicholson- and no I've never said that to her or anyone IRL, just right here and now) she's showing us is the kind that therapy can't help. It's the kind of crazy that gets you locked up for good.  I told her she likes to tell me that I want her life and I want to steal it for myself (still don't understand that) but she's going to end up taking her own life by playing these games, but not in those words exactly...

I told her again, if it's real. We need to let the doctor know. But if she's pretending then she needs to let me know so that we don't give the doctor the wrong idea.

Now I know, this seems crazy, or is it just me? I was a bit worried the act might be real and that I might be scaring her into making it nothing. I was very clear not to cross the line to where I thought she would feel manipulated. I left the choice totally hers but I did want her to feel like she was informed. I do feel like I am the last person fighting for her and once I give up, she may end up institutionalized for life, all because she was a kid who didn't know she was  playing with fire. I tried to be nonchalant about the whole thing, like it was par for the course when discussing these matters.

She was biting her nails long before I finished. She decided to let me know that she indeed was "acting" weird on purpose. She wanted her siblings to like her and she thought she was being "normal".

Part of what she was doing was making things up. She had taken her "reality" of being raped in our home, to a "dream" where the same people forced her to write a song and then those same people took her song and sold it. So she couldn't share it with the other kids because it was a big hit and they would recognize it.

Um...yeah... that's the milder of her behaviors. She doesn't see it as straight out lying if SHE says they are "dreams" or for "real" or not what she "meant" or we "misunderstood".

She told me she made it all up so she could be normal. When I asked her how that made her normal, she changed tracks to the whole " I just want them to leave me alone, no one likes me..." So we were off again on the same ---you treat others the way you want to be treated path.

It makes me sad that she lets her fear get in the way of what she really wants.  She really wants her siblings to like her, she really wants to be close to them and to be a big part of their lives and when she feels like she *might* be rejected or even thinks that if she put herself out there and will be rejected she shuts them out and lashes out at them.

==================

This was written almost two weeks ago. So much has changed already but I will try to post it all.

Despair

Last night I had to run to the pharmacy to get Hubbins' regular prescriptions. While I was there, I browsed around and came across a display of various mood rings.

I thought, what the hell? and I slipped one on my pinky. I was sure it was going to turn royal blue like most  mood rings do because of body heat. Instead it turned a teal-ish, turquoise, orange rusty color.  I chuckled because really, I hadn't noticed the 16 color chart and was under the assumption there were only like 4 or 5 colors to it. I was thinking I picked a broken ring or I was a freakish person who creates my own mood colors.

So, yeah there were many colors on the definition chart, I was almost to the end when I actually found my color. I glanced down to the word under it and was a little shocked, a little peeved and a lot sad when I read it.

Despair.

A freakin' mood ring hit it on the head. I've been feeling that way lately. I didn't think I was feeling like that at the time, but definitely on and off throughout the day I was feeling it.

With an anger, like someone had discovered my little secret or something, I shoved the damn ring back into the display box.

But obviously since this is making it as a post, that $2 ring is still haunting me. Will the feelings of despair ever go away?

Journaling...

I mentioned starting a journal with SS in this post.  It's been a success I would say. She has cracked me up on several occasions with the way she thinks.

Case in point-

I know this is scary for an 11 year old, grade level wise- but I will get into that in a minute. I love this post because I can see her thought process and the title was a relief after so many blood drenched nightmares filled with death and murder.

For awhile, I was starting to believe that SS had a learning disability. But, as they say in the book Adopting The Hurt Child,  In the "Lags in Learning" portion. It's a method of survival for the child to act stupid and eventually the child will appear to be stupid.  I'm not saying that SS is stupid... uh uh. That girl is far from it. But her self esteem and confidence is so low, I've been thinking it's the easier way out for her.

We've had some serious conversations in her journal.  She has some profound ideas on life and I've learned she draws her attention from others by being overly sympathetic and caring.  One might not think that would be too bad, but it's not completely sincere and it is taken to the limit.

She saves her "tough talk" for the journal, but to the outside world, she can't break a plate.  Little eye contact, unless she is trying to intimidate and mumbled language.

I struggle with some of my responses to her.  One particular writing comes to mind where she was talking about life and how she views it. Her philosophy on life is what she calls "a hard on life."

I struggled because she was writing with such emotion and such depth I was hurting for her until I found myself laughing almost uncontrollably over that one line (stress release maybe?) Don't worry, I never read it in front of her.   I believe she meant hard KNOCK life, like from Annie.  I struggled with whether to correct her when she was opening up so much. I decided against it, although I think I should possibly revisit it or have her watch Annie to see if she picks up on it. It might be unfortunate for her to repeat that to someone else later on down the line, you know?

I'm still contemplating journal writing with the others. I don't want it to be forced and I definitely don't want it to become another way for them to attack me.

I do know that I will definitely be keeping this journal and any others that follow for SS to have when she is older. Even though on the outside she doesn't appear to be changing much. There is definitely a revolution taking place inside her. The anger, her desire to be in charge of herself and not follow what others want or expect of her.  She's fighting for herself and her independence from her siblings and it scares her.

I'll be there, rooting for her all the way and helping her get back on track when she loses her path. I actually feel honored to be able to see this happening. Maybe not in the day to day stuff but most definitely through the big picture.

Pulling it all together...

I have spent the last month and a half trying to pull it all together.

I've tried to be accepting of my limitations due to my RA and my family situation. I think in some instances it has made me a better mom and wife.  I've tried to be more patient with myself and extend that to my family as well.  I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to do the amount of things I once used to do with ease.

Sometimes, I feel my old self return. I feel like I could move the world and I try to and I end up paying for it the next day. Seriously, I've been shuffling around with what feels sort of like what I would imagine an ass cramp would feel like for three days now. I feel crooked. It's hard to have patience when sitting or movement hurts. It's hard to get up from my desk chair and Hubbins thinks it's funny to suggest I need one of those recliners that basically stands a person up. I'll be honest it doesn't just physically hurt, my feelings get hurt too.

Just this past week, I did go out and buy myself a recliner.  I moved my bed out of my room and I now have a cuddler recliner in my room. I have to tell you, I love it and I have actually slept well in it. It actually supports me. My only trouble is getting out of it because I am so short. My legs don't actually rest on the leg part but on the seat when I am laying back completely. *blush*

The other thing about this past month and a half... my kids. We've been through quite a bit, but for some reason these last several weeks have been the most emotionally exhausting, yet rewarding of all our time together.

I've implemented some things around here to help the kids feel what I hope is coming across as a loving security.  I think there is a difference between door alarms- secure and feeling safe with someone- secure.

I know a lot of people might be going....duh! But to me it's a new concept. As I child, I never felt safe or truly loved, come to think about it...I'm still working on those things today. So for me, it takes a lot of thought and things clicking in.

I'm making the kids some homemade lovies and I bought a baby monitor for CDQ that actually plays lullaby's for 15 minutes.  She acts like she hates it but I see her smile every night I go in there and turn it on and I've heard her quietly singing with it.

I've talked to the kids about keepsakes and passing things on in the family. (I have nothing) Trying to help them along into thinking about the future.

The big clean is still going on here. Not as fast as I would like, but most definitely it is a deep clean going on in the closets and places that have not been touched since the kids moved in.  Even though a person coming into my house today might not be able to see it, I know the volume of stuff that has been purged to goodwill or the trash over the past couple of months.

Homeschool is moving along swiftly, which reduces my stress levels somewhat. Most of last year was spent working on behavioral issues so we are working a grade behind for now, which doesn't sit well with me because I realized my kids were already working a grade behind in public school even though they were supposed to be in a certain grade. Let's not even talk about the money I spent on Catholic school for the oldest, only to find I have to bring her back as well...*sigh*

We've started to have psuedo movie nights every Sunday before the Amazing Race. I say psuedo because I call them at the last minute and we have dinner in our bedroom. Nothing is planned as far as the kids know and boy is it driving them crazy. Last Sunday was The Pagemaster. Cute movie. I'm allowing the kids to watch The Amazing Race this season, because so far the women have kept their clothes on and the guys aren't acting like dogs.  It's been great. Poufy and the Boy play the Amazing Race every morning when they run out the door to get the dogs their water. It's hilarious because the baby monitors pick up on them from outside.

I feel warm and fuzzy about it because those two feel carefree enough to run outside and do that without supervision AND they are actually imagining things! Did you know my kids couldn't play like that? When they played, it was house and the Dad called the Mom "bitch" and yelled at her and it was all ok. I shudder to think about that.  What's funny about them outside, I was embarrassed at first about this, was I could hear them talking to the dogs. "Madi you need to sit down and not jump! Do you hear me Madi!?! Do you understand?" That's embarrassing because it was said in the tone  and language I use with them. LOL!

I have more to say about the way they play but I think this is getting long and rambling. I've been dropping in on blogs but my reader is full because I have only been getting snippets of posts before I am called away.  For example, tonight I got to see Torina wearing a baby snuggly like a tank top.... um...yeah, I need to go back and read that one.

All the difference...

We have our ups and downs. We stumble and fall, but some how through it all we are there to help each other up despite the hardships...To me, this picture says it all.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...now with sarcasm.

The Good... we are all still alive and we are heading towards the end of birthday month in these parts.  (Yep, BIRTHDAY MONTH- one in mid-January and then three weeks in a row ending this Friday. God help me...)

I found some OTC pills that were helping my RA tremendously.  Well, helping my joints which, in turn, helped with my pain... not 100% pain free but less pain none the less.

Which leads me to...

THE BAD.... apparently my jaw decided it was time to join the RA party and now I can barely swallow anything...last night's dinner...nope.  Those new joint pills...nope.  Ibuprofen... uh,uh. $#%^!!!!!!

Could it be stress? Maybe, considering a few months ago my pay was reduced due to budget cuts and then last month my hours were reduced by 11 hours a week starting March 1st.  Hmmm..come to think of it, this jaw pain really got bad yesterday.....

THE UGLY... as a consequence to BIRTHDAY MONTH (maybe caps will make it exciting, naw...still sucked). I've had RAD and Borderline Personality ALL OVER THE PLACE. The kind that makes me wonder  "How in the F, I got here? Why in the F, did I ever agree to this? What in the F is exactly causing all this?, When in the F will it ever really end? and Who in the F did I think I was, since I thought I could do this at all?" (Can you tell I was a writer for the school paper and yearbook?, Surely if not by my jacked up writing which in my defense it's been 16 years, it's by my investigative questions into my own situation....again..naw? ok)

*sigh* on a positive note... I seem to be ahead of the ball this year, we are only in the third month and I am averaging a child per month (well this month is still young)  who "HATES ME".   However, I think that streak will end because LORD FORBID if *I* believe one of them ....get ready for this.... LOVES ME--- GASP!

Last week as CDQ was biting herself and screaming at me that she loves it (biting herself) and that it feels good and that she was born evil and will always be evil and that..that...that well, to quote her... "I HATE YOU!" I decided to share with her the following:

"You were not born evil, you are not like this, I already got to see the real CDQ and she is NOTHING like this.  I don't know why you want to be like this, but it is not who you are.  Furthermore, you hate me? Did you know that you must love someone first in order to hate them?" and I shut the door and left the room to total silence from CDQ for the rest of the day.  Not a peep.

It's true. At least back in the day, when I was searching for the perfect word for the way I felt about my bio father... I looked up the word hate and that's what it said.... in order to hate someone, to have that intense of a feeling you must love them with an intensity as well.  The definition has changed since I looked it up in elementary school. It focuses more on the slang and usage now than the actual meaning of the word.

So that's why I figured they won't be throwing that "hate" word around here so easily. lol

So much more to tell you guys...this little snippet was nothing compared to the whole thing that happened. But I can't get into that right at this moment...homeschool is waiting...

For the record, the word I found as a kid for my bio father that fit perfectly.... indifferent. Of course, I won't share that with the kids. LOL!

Waiting for Wednesday...my two youngest girls are seeing a female doctor to put an end to the periods.  It's too much for them (i.e. CDQ) and they shouldn't have to worry about the things that come along with it.