Still around...

Hopefully by Friday I will get to post.

One of Hubs pressure sores has turned and is infected, it's the big hard to get to one of course. We are trying to keep tabs on it and hopefully it will turn since they started him on antibiotics yesterday. I'm told I can expect to see a change within 48-72 hours if the antibiotics are working.

The other thing is Girl Scouts- cookies should have wrapped up for a little bit but I have a parent who thinks that a Saturday deadline means Monday after 10. Plus, I worked over a month with council to try and get my girls into ice skating classes and someone called me from council and told me something wrong, resulting in me showing up at council on the date that I was told only to be told I was given wrong information. No accountability and no apology. I was livid, so mad I cried in the damn parking lot. I have called the ice skating arena to see how much a similar offering would be outside of Girl Scouts but I just don't know... oh, and I've been checking the website non-stop because my girls are going camping this summer even if it ends up being in my backyard dammit! The website says the listings for camp will be up on January 26th and still nothing... so. pissed.

Which leads me to the first (of many things, I hope) that I will be doing for myself.

Although I love my little girl scouts dearly and they have taught me a ton in these short months... I am not going to be returning as a leader next year. My kids will become Juliettes and be Girl Scouts on their own, but between council not being able to get it together and parents who avoid me like the plague when it comes to dues or deadlines. I am done. I will miss the girls like crazy but well. I have to do this. I don't need anymore stress and instead of this being fun, it is additional stress.

Plus, the second big decision that also helped me make the first decision is that the oldest will not be returning to that school. Tuition went up and I just don't see the value in it. We will be homeschooling her next year and putting the money spent on tuition to better use.

So, like I said, hopefully I will be updating by Friday. With some more of the for me stuff. Thanks for all the support. I feel like a whiny spoiled brat when I lose it. lol

Doing stuff for me...

*Warning- Language*

My life...my life has been spent doing things for others, taking care of others, etc... The only thing I've ever done for myself is my education and that was more of a life or death type of thing for me. I can go to school and have a life or I can just die in this family circle of crap.

So I went to school and it took me 10 years to do it by myself and as soon as I finished and thought life was finally going to happen to me, I got the first push to the ground that is going to keep me there for the majority of my youth and about 2 years later, I got the second push that is going to ensure that I will never be able to live for myself... at least that's how it seems.

Soooo... it's been kind of hard for me to think of things for me to do just for myself. Everybody keeps asking me that and over time, I've grown bitter and resentful because it's been brought to my attention just how much of a life I don't have. By that I mean how my life is spent doing things for everyone else.

I get tired of the fact that I can't do one damned thing without someone asking for something, wanting or needing something or even being criticized for the little things I do end up doing for myself.

For example, I've started to take the Wii Fitness test everyday because as lame as it is, I need exercise. It lasts ONLY 5 minutes and then tells me I'm 3 times my age. I can hear the kids on the intercom... "She's always playing the Wii "(this was on the second day of me doing this, we've had the Wii for over a year) "Why does SHE get to play the Wii?" and its like this for everything. If I am on the computer paying bills or doing Girl Scout stuff than to them I am playing a game. If I am reading a book, (even though it's about RAD or them) I am always reading. If I am watching a tv show, all I do is watch tv.

To say I am sick of their bullshit is an understatement. Children or not. I've gotten to the point where I want to tell them to go fuck themselves. I won't but it inches up my throat and I have to go to my room and even then someone asks me for something "really quick" on the way.

I realized that they can really just kiss my fat ass... after all since they've been here, there is now a space for all of them to fit comfortably side by side and still find their own personal spot to kiss.

Can you sense my anger?

What struck me was a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. She was talking about how she had wanted to finish school and if she does that's ok and if she doesn't well that's ok too. She knows that she was put here to raise her children and she's completely happy with that.

I wonder if this is what I had chosen, or if I had really had a choice in this whole matter if I would've felt the same. If my kids had another decent family member to go to and I made the choice to keep them here. It would have been a choice but because it was either me or the system and I've seen the system it became no choice and then to cement it further, the state pushing us into the adoption...well... yeah. Not much of a choice.

I want to be happy and I want to have a life. I'm more aware of happy people I come across now and I look at them and try to figure out how to get that...happiness. We have good times sure but I don't think any of us are really happy.

I don't feel like I am Sasha any more. I am just a servant here going through the motions. Hubs and I had a conversation because he can't understand why I am so unhappy and angry all the time. He thinks because I have use of my body that I should just be grateful for that. He said he would trade me places. What I tried to explain to him is for him to go back to when he was first shot and to think about the years that came after in the beginning and how he felt every time he learned that he would not be able to do something ever again and it wasn't by his choice.

I asked him, would it be worse to you to be how you are right now, unable to do anything physically because of your condition or worse to be able to physically do the things you want and know that you can but be unable to do them anyway. I didn't really get an answer from him. To me the latter is worse. Plus, he, like the kids, seems to think that the use of my body to do things for them is on demand and not really an option or even a question for me. I know he will argue that he would do things for himself if he could and that is probably true but since he can't ...blah, blah, blah... (In the time I typed that sentence, I've been asked to do things by two different people already, three if you count the cat.) I know I'm coming across as insensitive but I am tired of it all. When Hubs thinks something grand is "letting me" (those are the words...) take a shower...well...

Don't get me wrong, I mean we aren't some couple that belongs on Maury or anything. He doesn't boss me but just saying it in that way that he does irks me. lol

I thought I got away from the family cycle and I've been sucked back in and down. I sometimes wish I would have just been a fuck up like the rest of them because at least I would have made my own choices. It's hard to take the road less traveled. Especially when you can see how free the fuck ups are living without a care or a worry about anyone but themselves.

Now that I've given you the background of how I feel, next time, I am going to write about doing for myself and the things I have planned...and there are real plans! I am excited!!!

The second half

I uploaded this days ago, but since GS cookies are wrapping up, I've been super busy. This is just a little something I put together for Poufy. I will probably end up taking it down in a day or so because it has real names in it. But I decided I am going to try to make one of these for each of the kids so we can see growth over the years.

This birthday was eye opening to me. I mean I always mindlessly comment about things but it never really hit home or made sense. Comments like "they always try to sabotage something fun. Always" or Hubs at the table after Poufy blew out the candles... "How many birthdays have you had?" I shot him a look...then I said 2, she's had 2 birthdays with us, I think that might be it. (Yes, we had a loooong talk after the kids went to bed and I showed him this video that I made.)

I don't really have a picture of Poufy happy with her cake. The Wish was something huge to her, it worried her. I don't know what she wished for. I like the video though. I mean I see all those emotions on her face as she stares at the blown out candles. I thought of relighting them for her, but then I thought it would just reenforce in her mind that she did something wrong, but I like in the video how boy is blowing out candles with her. I think he is the only child who doesn't have birthday issues. He is the youngest though.

In this picture you can see that Poufy is still worried about her wish, but in the background...CDQ is soooo jealous. CDQ is still hard for me to deal with. She can't be happy or proud for anyone but herself. If someone shares a proud moment she has to tell how much better she is. Everyday I have to set her straight about things. She constantly "attacks" SS.

SS has the least amount of self esteem out of all the kids and CDQ attacks her...SS is also the only kid who has trouble learning. The other day she was so proud because she finished her report before CDQ and CDQ told her that "probably you only finished before me because you skipped pages or something." I was angry. Today at dinner she just started asking SS about her hair and what was wrong with it. There was nothing wrong with SS's hair but she told her it was knotted...it has "big knots" and of course her hair doesn't have knots. SS's hair is straight and lays flat in its style. She had no knots and in fact CDQ has the knots because her hair poufs out and isn't straight or curly.

It might not seem like much, but I am tired of hearing her put the other kids down and I'm tired of hearing how great and perfect she thinks she is. I realize that it's probably that she's actually feeling the opposite but it's hard to see through that sometimes because she's so awful about it.

All and all it went well. Unfortunately Poufy is making bad choices and can't seem to snap out of it. I think it has something to do with her and CDQ sharing a room. I don't think the birthday blues have passed for her.

Although CDQ is aware of her birthday coming up and that she acts out when it comes around, she still can't piece together that her acting out has started already with a month to go. I keep trying to tell her but she's in the mode where she's not going to hear me. It's unfortunate.

With that going on with both of them and them being in the same room...well, let's just say it hasn't been fun.

The first half...

Ok, so we weren't off to a good start this morning. I don't know if anyone out there has multiple children with RAD like I do...but hoo boy... CDQ has a touch of narcissm as well...and as soon as she saw any attention turning towards Poufy, she had to take it away.

It has to be all about CDQ good or bad or she's not happy. Somehow, her threatening Poufy ("Go ahead and talk over me and see what happens." ) not being ok when Poufy was trying to tell us CDQ was lying (which we already knew) was because Hubs and I don't like "them", we hate "them". Yeah...I'm still trying to connect those dots. So she had to spiral into a fake meltdown. I don't mind those that much because...well they are fake...so they aren't so bad. They never really end up going anywhere. It's just to switch the focus to her.

So, I tried to nip it in the bud. I tried to appeal to the ODD and told her if that's what it took for her to feel better about herself then it was ok for her to feel and think that right now even though it wasn't true...ok, maybe more passive aggressive than appealing to her ODD, but I will claim ignorance as I am still learning about it. lol

I called Poufy out and explained to her what CDQ was trying to do. Funny side: I heard Poufy on the intercom telling CDQ it didn't matter what she said because "it is MY birthday and YOU are NOT going to take it from ME." go girl! I asked her if she thought she deserved a b-day party. She told me she didn't know... I asked her for reasons why she thought she didn't deserve a birthday party...and to be honest... I should have documented this sooner because I've forgotten. lol I was more interested in why she thought she did deserve a birthday party. She told me that she thought she deserved a birthday party because yesterday and today she did tapping about behaving. I haven't done any tapping like that with them, but I guess she changed making good choices to behaving. I guess, if it works. lol She thought that was the only reason, which was sad to me. So I wrote her up a small list of some of the reasons why she deserved a birthday party.

Anyhow, I waited until CDQ was in the shower to give Poufy her Princess stuff. I didn't want CDQ being a snot and saying something mean because she's jealous. I wanted Poufy to have a moment if it was going to happen at all. Oh yeah, ignore what she's wearing, I was trying to find something that she could wear under the dress and still be comfortable.





So here are some takes from it. Most kids would rip into a gift but not her...you can see she doesn't trust. I thought it was funny that she liked the ballet shoes the most. I think you can also sense my hesitation...damn! I felt like I was ready to sprint off or something, you know like toss it to her and run! lol

I wish I would have recorded her when she ran off. She was on tiptoe holding the dress like the Princesses do. It made me cry. *blush*

I came to my room to tell Hubs what he missed (he's currently still stuck in bed for another hour.) and I heard her on the intercom. I rushed to record it because out of everything she got in that bag, she was reading my note to CDQ and I hope you can hear it because she is absolutely giddy and giggling over the note! I cried again. *burning blush*

I threw them all outside and I put a few streamers up in the kitchen. Nothing fancy, I decorated her chair with streamers too. Right now the house smells like a really good French Vanilla cake... I have to wrap her birthday gift still, but I think it's going to be ok.

So I caved a little...AKA preparing for a RAD b-day

Well, Poufy had her meltdown. It only lasted about an hour. There was to be no tapping, rubbing, karate chops, etc... just full on meltdown. I tried to appeal to her ODD but even that wasn't working entirely.

But you know what? I totally expected it. I was prepared.

As I thought about just cancelling the whole cake and presents and just letting the day go by as any other. CDQ asked if she could have a party (her b-day is feb. 29th) and invite some girl scout friends. I winced. I told her I didn't know because when birthdays came around they acted out and it was hard to tell.

This is what she said that broke my heart. "I know. I've been trying not to think about it so I won't mess it up."

Me: "Maybe you should think about why you feel like messing it up and try to change that."

CDQ: " I have. I just get really nervous and I don't know why."

Me: "Maybe you can practice rubbing and say something like: I am a good kid, I deserve a birthday party and my parents want me to be happy."

I know I probably could have come up with something better but I wasn't expecting this exchange and I figured I was still covering bases if one, she thinks that she's bad and two, thinks because of that she doesn't deserve it or three thinks that we don't want her to be happy or have a birthday party. And if I remember it's three things. lol

I told her I would have to see how things are going before I can make that decision. I was thinking that if I did allow her to have friends, we would have the party at a pizza place or something. Either it will work for distractions or it will be really embarrassing...

But anyway, back to Poufy, I got to thinking...what if Poufy felt this way too. What if she felt like she had to sabotage her b-day but secretly didn't want to? Is that what our kids feel or do they truly feel better if it's just another day?

The other part is totally selfish. I used to be the cool Aunt they really didn't see much of, almost like a Grandma. I always gave them what they wanted for their birthday or some other expensive present. I used to do that for family members always. The only thing is, I never realized that the kids never got to play with the things I gave them. Their mother never gave them the stuff.

For instance, the last thing I had bought all of them was Christmas. Each girl got a different Disney Princess Baby Doll and the boy got this bubble noisy lawnmower thingy (he was newly 4). I did see the boy play with the lawnmower. But the girls just looked at their dolls in the boxes. Turns out after I left, those boxes were put into a storage she never paid for and lost. They never even opened them! The only reason the boy got to play with his lawnmower was because she didn't want to hear him cry.

Buying presents for them is something I enjoy. I love going up and down the toy aisle and wondering what kind of reaction they would have if they had this or that... of course, I don't do that anymore. Maybe sometimes for some imaginary kids... but last night when I went to Target, I couldn't help but go up and down the toy aisles even though I already bought their birthday gifts.

I came across a Disney Princess Dress on clearance and I thought "Wow! This would go great with that Tiara and ballet slippers from the dollar bin... and so I made a selfish decision....

I bought them, plus the cute little felt purse I also found in the dollar bin. I rationalized...it's under $10 if she melts down and destroys it, it's not a big deal...but... if she loves it...than it's priceless right?
I folded it all up and packed it into the purse. I plan to give it to her tomorrow morning instead of her clothes for the day. I am trying to figure out whether I should try to sneak a picture or video of her when I give it to her. But I don't know which way it will go.

I also decided to pop into the dollar store and buy a couple of things. Some plates, napkins and streamers and some goody bags with princess related things in it. Not too much. I got the boy a pack of cars and a table football game thing for his "Princess" bag, lol Very minimal...no?

I'm nervous. That's why I am still up at 5 am. Maybe I should have her do some rubbing and tapping just to start the day? I was wishing I had a mini-tramp today but I decided I'm not going to introduce that until next month. I don't want to overload them.

Quiet

You know that quiet that you get when you can hear like a slight buzz or hum or just a tone in your ear? (could just be me, my hearing loss has gotten worse.)

That's what I have right now.

I should be happy...but I'm scared. I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall and I'm beating myself up about it because Dammit! Why can't I just enjoy it?

Literally... I am so afraid that Hubs health is going to turn or something will happen with the kids. I can't sleep well. I'm restless. It's making me grumpy and grouchy for what I feel is absolutely no reason.

Yesterday was perfect. Poufy has been acting out but it's to be expected. Her B-day is tomorrow. Since her and CDQ share a room, they've been at it together. But not even remotely like what it used to be. They are able to pull it together within the minute I remind them that they are headed off track.

I feel like running away and it's not even rational. I don't know how to stop it either. I've been angry at myself and telling myself to get a flippin grip already.

I. am. so. weird.

Yesterday I was trying to shake the mood. Thursday I crashed hard. I don't know if it was stress or exhaustion or both but I was just out and I felt awful. Hubs made dinner and got the kids to bed. I slept from 4ish until just before 8pm. The whole time I dreamt of the CSI commercial- Grissom's Goodbye. Just the commercial--A HISTORIC TELEVISION EVENT! LOL! I think it was my subconscious telling me to get my @$$ up before I missed it. I had been trying to make sure that I remembered it. *rolling eyes*

Since the kids started acting up, I've been obsessed with CSI shows, Law and Order- CI and SVU, Without a Trace, Cold Case. I wouldn't even watch any of those shows and now I make sure to catch the replays on Netflix and have even gone so far as to go back to the beginning of each shows season 1 and watch them all up to the current show.

Back to yesterday, I woke up feeling bad that I left everyone hanging so after I dropped the oldest off at school I decided I was going to make a big family dinner. I mean we eat together in the kitchen, at the table no tv... so it wasn't like that was a big deal. But I went out and bought a ham, stuff to make potato salad, and got to making the Pioneer Woman's dinner rolls. It took alll day! Seriously, I started at 8:30am and it was all done at 7:30 pm. Let me just say--PW's dinner rolls...MMMMMmmmmmmmmmm... I still have some dough left and I am totally going to make them today. They are so easy AND her pictures matched up with what I had EXACTLY. Don'tcha hate it when you follow a recipe and yours doesn't look a thing like what they are making and they don't even tell you how to fix it or why? Hmm...that's just me...oooookay...moving on...

Everyone loved dinner. It seemed to be more like a comfort food dinner. People were relaxed around the table. We played "I Spy". The kids were full and warm I guess because they hopped off, brushed their teeth and went straight to bed with out the usual peep! I am totally getting goosebumps typing that. My arm hairs are standing up...did I mention I am so.weird. ? My stomach just turned and I had to run off...T.M.I... for me it's more like W.T.F? I don't know what's going on with me. At first I thought I was sick, then I thought maybe my body is just finally reacting to the past 30 or so months of hell. Finally, I just don't know.

Anyway...on to Poufy's b-day party. I was going to do this big Princess party for her but as soon as I asked her opinion on it, she got excited and then started acting out. I figure it's because she thinks she doesn't deserve it. I thought about just doing it anyway... but then I thought maybe I should just progressively increase the birthday festivities each year with out letting them know. Maybe it won't be as noticable if I do it that way? You know maybe some streamers and a tablecloth next year, a blow up castle announcing it's a b-day the following year...maybe by the time she's 10 we will have some guests and a real party? I know I'll have to take it slow.

I did a full on birthday party the first year they were here for the boy (first kid with a b-day after placement). We had guests, games, a blow up Spidy they took pics with, etc... I'm still paying for that...he regressed further and continues to act even younger than he did when he first came at times. Seems to me, he thought/thinks acting like a baby (baby talk, silliness to make people laugh, hurting himself to make them laugh, etc...) is what made him deserving of that. Not just the fact that he's here and a great kid.

So, now it's been toned down. I will bake her a cake (she showed some signs of stress at the idea of a store bought cake and choosing one, which is weird because that's the way we've done it.) and I'm not going to do all that Princess stuff. I'm a little worried because I don't know if I will make her feel more at ease by not doing all that or if I will just reaffirm her belief that she doesn't deserve it. ARGH!

I guess we will see....

And now for something fun...

Here's the link in case it doesn't work.

Pressure Sores

This post is going to stray away from the kids and actually talk about something my husband is dealing with as a quadriplegic and that is pressure sores. Quads aren't the only ones who get pressure sores. Anyone can get them. Those who are more prone to get them are the elderly, those who are obese, and the bedridden.

Let me just say I am not a nurse or CNA or anything like that. I'm trained by my husband to meet his needs.

Borrowing from medterms.com- A pressure sore is a sore area of skin that develops when the blood supply to it is cut off for more than two to three hours due to pressure on it and lack of movement. As the skin dies, the pressure sore first appears as a red painful area, which in time turns purple. Left untreated, the skin can break open and become infected. A pressure sore can become deep (ulcerate) and extend into the underlying muscle. Once a bed sore develops, it is often very slow to heal. For more info, click here.


I'll just take this moment to explain how deadly pressure sores can be. Once they get going, they tend to tunnel and kill the tissue inside, with any little pressure it tears the skin or tissue open and keeps it from healing. They get infected easily because they are an open wound and if they don't have proper drainage that stuff collects inside and becomes a serious infection. Sometimes it will tunnel to the bone. Pressure sores can also lead to sepsis, which is when the infection gets into the bloodstream and the person can die. This is what Christopher Reeve died from.


I almost lost Hubs to a bad UTI that went septic while we were waiting three months for his urologist appointment when we first moved here. It was awful. At any rate, one might ask "well why don't they change position before this happens?" and the answer is because they can't feel it or they can't move themselves and have no help.

My husband has no feeling from the shoulders down. He gets something called autonomic dysreflexia(AD). He starts sweating, he gets red blotches on his chest and his blood pressure shoots way high. AD is not good, it can cause a stroke. AD can be caused by a crease in his pants. His body can't tell the difference between that crease in his pants and something serious so his body goes into hyperprotective mode and stays there until whatever is causing it is found and fixed. Not every quad has this and the levels of body response vary.

Hubs has never gotten a pressure sore on my watch, however he had scars from pressure sores (big mean bad pressure sores) from his past when I met him. Last summer, he was being fitted for a new seating system. This was a disaster. The man who came out to our house was trying to save the state a few bucks and ended up screwing Hubs over because the cushion he replaced his old one with reopened two of his pressure sores from the past on opposite sides of his bottom. Once those pressure sores are formed the skin is always compromised and it is easy for them to reopen.

The new seating system also started a sore on his arm. I'm happy to report the sore on his arm is almost gone. But the two sores on his bottom are still there. I think they would have healed mostly by now if we didn't have other issues interferring with their healing process but that is another story.

Another quad was asking about pressure sore prevention and care and I thought it might be good to share some excellent videos I found on youtube. I also didn't think it would hurt to share some info that most people wouldn't really have occasion to know about.

Here is the link to the first part of the video on youtube, there are 4 parts. If you are looking for something to give you a general overview and have dealt with pressure sores but don't know the semantics of it, this is a good video- Pressure Ulcers

For now, Hubs is staying off his butt as much as possible. He hates being stuck in bed, but what can he do? We clean out his wounds twice a day. The one that is tunneling has stopped at 3.5 cm and we pack it with this product called mesalt which is sort of like a tightwoven gauze with chemicals in it that are supposed to promote healing.

Hubs health is stressful on both of us. I think for Hubs the reasons are obvious. In my case, it's probably obvious too, he's my husband. Everyday, I can see him deteriorate. I know we are all dying every single second from the minute we are alive but I can see what would take others years to occur happening with him quicker and it scares me.

The other stressful issue is his family. I liked his family when we met. I thought I was going to get the family I never had. They all used to meet up at Hubs house for dinner and they would go places together.

As I spent more time with Hubs, I saw that everywhere he went he was basically a doormat, he would let people get away with a lot of things and I encouraged him to speak up for himself and I supported him and stood with him. Unfortunately, he had some standing up to do with his family. I was going to step out of that but he wanted my support so I silently stood by him and ended up being blamed by his family for his sudden change.

After that I saw through my rose colored glasses of a new family and realized Hubs needed to do what he was doing and it was a long time coming. I guess I gave him what he needed. He had depended on them for so long and had no other choice but to not rock the boat. Now that he had someone else to lean on...well...he went for it. lol

Even though his family was awful to me in the end, I still feel a strong sense of responsibility to them for Hubs health and care.

I know it is Hubs decision to keep them at the distance that he does. I know he has given them chances to reach out to him because of the guilt trip they tried to lay on him and I know that they haven't tried very hard and that hurts him. It confuses me because on one hand, I understand how he feels about them not contacting him via e-mail after their whole "we aren't ever going to see you again..." deal...but on the other hand I'm like Uh...you wanted them at a distance so how are they supposed to know anything different? LOL! I just try to stay out of it, yet still support Hubs decisions because he has his reasons.

But it still scares me because when Hubs does pass, I know they are going to blame me and I just don't think I am strong enough for that...

Keeping it real...

So things have been pretty good around here but I am going to keep it real also. There have been tears from the kids, anger, etc... The difference is they are using their tools.

Yesterday I had several proud moments. CDQ was unhappy that she broke a rule and lost reading privileges for the rest of the day. Usually she would go to her room, forgetting about the intercom and talk some major smack completely blaming us for her breaking a rule and having a consequence. Today we heard this on the intercom..."I am making good choices, I am making good choices..."

A short time later the boy got in trouble for breaking the rules. He lost toy privileges for the rest of the day (By the way, there are warnings that lead up to these privilege losses). He started whining and crying and it was going downhill quickly. Normally I would tell him it was nap time and that he needed to take a nap and he would go into full on meltdown. This time I tried to get him to do some tapping. He was doing it when I left him to help hubs with something and when I came back he was laying on his bed (like less than a minute later I was back). I told him he needed to get up and finish his tapping because it will help him feel better. He got up with attitude and was just standing there. I said fine, you know what? Go ahead and lay down, take your nap. Then he started crying and whining that he wanted to do his tapping , I told him he couldn't. So of course, he was going on and on until I walked away. Then he did his tapping and stopped the meltdown immediately. LOL (*doing the I-got-you-with-your-ODD-dance*)

At dinner, SS shared that she was angry with the boy because she actually got in trouble with him earlier. She was doing what he was doing knowing full well they were breaking the rules but she said she did it because he told her to. Suuuuure... She said instead of hitting him she did this flexing thing with her fingers on both hands and told him her anger was going to him and that it was just invisible. LOL! I thought that was very creative and great that she designed her own outlet.

We changed up the strong sitting today and what we say during tapping. I have them do tapping together. In fact, Sunday I could see CDQ crashing and I decided to let her lead tapping. I don't know if that's good or not but that instantly changed her attitude. So I was happy and so was she and all was right in the world.

They also started their gratitude journals today. I've read Lisa's blog from beginning to end and I am shamelessly taking her techniques and applying them to my kids. (THANKS LISA!)

Since the kids have been doing so well, I have been in a frenzy cleaning my house. Unfortunately, it's still not too noticable because once I clear out one area I bring in more boxes from storage. I'm determined to have everything out of storage by the end of the month so I won't have to pay storage fees.

Things are moving along...I have some post ideas brewing in my head about home and Hubs, etc... But I find myself spending computer time trying to catch up on blog reading rather than blogging. lol There are just too many good blogs out there! My blog reader currently shows 66 blogs and those are only the ones that have new posts or unread posts. Plus, I've been interested in going back to where it all began on some blogs. So if I comment from a week ago or 3 years ago you know why. LOL!

Yesterday

So yesterday...the kids were having such a great day that I was on the fence on whether to tell them what day it was. I was surprised every single one of them had forgotten, but I thought maybe it was a positive step? Who knows?

Lately the kids have been reminiscing on good times in OUR home. They always talk about the fun times with friends or bad times with their foster parents or bio parents and never anything that they have done here. I know it's not because of a lack of fun here. But like I said within the last three weeks the kids have been talking about some of the things that we've done as a family since their placement over 2 years ago. For me that was big. I don't know why, but it just seemed big.

Part of me figured if they didn't remember then maybe it was a good thing but the other part of me remembered the looks on their faces when two of them realized they had forgotten her birthday. It wasn't good and it didn't help that one of the ones who remembered was CDQ and she wouldn't let anyone else forget that they forgot. ARGH!

I decided to bite the bullet and bring it up over cupcakes after dinner. There were tears... all mine. I know such a wuss. I was able to steer it away and it ended in laughter and some interesting stories about Bela. Like how she could stick her entire foot in her mouth! and how her first word was "mine!"

I cried, not for Bela, but because as I looked around the table just before I told them, I saw their expectant faces, there wasn't an angry face, or a sad face or a blank face. There were smiles, wonder, each kid was *there* and was happy to be there and it made me cry because for the first time ever in my life, I was looking at family and it seemed like no matter how many times we might fall back, we will still always be moving forward...together.

An anniversary celebration...

My kids were acting out a teeny tiny bit the past two days. I've been able to pull them back before it went too far and I was already suspecting this might come to be. Nobody's voiced it yet, but they never do. This year I thought I'd beat them to the punch.

Today is the day Bela was murdered. There has been increased talk about what happened to her and this time even the oldest wanted to hear what happened instead of plugging her ears and yelling for them to shut up. I've decided to make today a celebration of her life and we will talk about the things she loved (chocolate and dancing) and who she was becoming. I'm thinking I will ask them if they want to write about their favorite times with her.

My kids are deathly afraid of forgetting her. Forgetting what she was like, her b-day, what she looked like, etc... I think I am going to help them make a memory book of her compiled of their memories and times together with her. I don't know if it's the wrong thing to do but I just feel from them that they are ready and it's not necessarily moving on but I guess it's that place where they aren't so mad about it anymore and they can share happy times and laugh about it.

If they want to feel sad today, I will let them feel that. I'm not going to try to steer them away from their feelings but I am going to try to make this a positive day, instead of the day Mike killed Bela, I want to encourage them not to give Mike that power anymore and instead make this the day we celebrate Bela's life.

Why I've been quiet... or that post that may be renamed to "How I jinxed it all..."

My kids... are you ready... my kids are behaving. Or as my youngest would say "we are being have." lol

No fighting, tantrums, stealing, lies are minimal, manners are being put back into place.

They are smiling. They are getting along and learning how to talk to each other nicely. Sure it hasn't even been a week, but it's almost like when they were first placed in our house.
I want to spend time with them...my house, my house has been quiet and I have been able to accomplish things.

We went out in public. Just me and the four Radishes. We went to the gas station, library, and McDonald's. No one got their panties in a wad and they were lil angels in the library. The librarians were beaming at them as they lined up with their books under their arms. No shoving, yelling, nothing. CDQ even found a wallet on the floor and came and got me to let me know, it turned out it was the wallet of a man who was sitting nearby helping his son. He thanked me for telling him and I let him know it was CDQ who had alerted me and he thanked her. She was beaming.

I am proud of them. I noticed that around 10 am is when they start to act up or I guess the proper term is deregulate ( I think, still learning) so I call the two 7 year olds out just before then and they do their strong sitting and go back to their rooms while CDQ and SS do their strong sitting. I don't know if I will continue with that the way they want me to because it doesn't help as much as the tapping does.

They all stand apart and we do tapping together. As they are tapping, they just seem to get happy and all that stuff that was building up melts away as they start to giggle and tap. I can see that tapping changes their attitude. It makes them happy. Especially SS. I don't know what it is about it. I should record a session because you can see how they are standing around and their facial expressions are sort of bored, angry, expectant (depends on the kid) and then they just like hop to attention when it starts and they start to beam and giggle. They are happy when it's done and they tend to stay that way.

They need help with the rubbing, I've noticed they don't really know what is making them feel the way they do.

For example, and this was an eye opener for me. CDQ keeps trying to hang from the back of Hub's wheelchair. This causes Hubs to have spasms which aren't good as it is because it is painful for him and even worse now because he has pressure sores that are healing. The spasms can tear them more.

I've told them a hundred times at least not to touch his chair because it is a part of his body so touching him there is like touching his butt. I thought that would work.

Anyhow, she was pulling on his chair and I was across the room from her, to me I said "CDQ, stop hanging on Hub's chair already."

She left and then I thought I heard crying on the intercom. I thought something had happened. So, I called out what's going on (I was in the process of moving furniture and had blocked myself in...I know, bright.) That's when Poufy piped up that CDQ was crying. I asked why and Poufy said that CDQ had said "If she doesn't like me, why doesn't she just say it?"

This...was news to me. Not like her? Where did she get that from? Seriously, I was stunned. I wasn't even mad at her or even exasperated when I said it for the gazillionth time. It was like a routine reminder from my point of view.

Apparently, all this time, the kids think I am yelling at them. I have hearing loss and because of that the volume on my voice has gotten, well... louder. I don't think I'm yelling. But how the hell do I know, I can't hear. lol It's really bad when there is background noise. I keep telling them to speak up because I can't hear. I guess I'll have to have a hearing test done again. I know I had one like 5 or 6 years ago and they told me they couldn't do anything about it then because it was minimal but that it would progress. Maybe I need a hearing aid now.

So, I called all of them out and we talked about my hearing loss and fear rubbing. I used CDQ's situation as an example and I told her that she must have felt afraid from me telling her what not to do that maybe I didn't like her and I asked if she thought she felt that..she didn't really respond so I said well if you felt that then instead of crying and starting to feel bad you might do the rubbing and say "Even though I am afraid my Mom/Aunt doesn't like me, I am a terrific kid and both my parents love me and accept me as I am." She liked that...a lot. I think she realizes that we do feel that way about her. Which makes me sad.

There is a lot of talking going on too. Again, CDQ--she said she didn't think she would ever get married because she doesn't trust people. I sadly couldn't help her. I think it's good she doesn't trust people. Maybe not at the level she is where she doesn't trust but I don't know...trusting people is something *I* am still working on. I have to think more about what to say to them about trusting people. I guess at some point, I trusted. I married Hubs but we had our problems where he shattered my trust and it's taken a long time to get to the point where I am now and even then it's not completely solid and I know it's alllll me.

Another development, the beginning of a support system. My Brownie co leader(L) is awesome, (so is my Daisy co leader (M) for that matter.) her kids and my kids can't get enough of each other. After the meeting Wednesday L and I were talking. She doesn't know anything about RAD but she listens and she understands there are things to learn about my kids and their disorders and she's willing to learn about them. She actually brought up the subject of family and a support system. I told her it was just us. She said she was more than willing to be a support to us if needed. She told me even if I just needed a nap! Her house is where all the kids get together and play and there's always kids there. She said what ever we needed and what ever she needed to know, she's willing and I know she is sincere.

I think this will work, even our husbands get along-- they are both geeks with endless trivia knowledge and completely hit it off after the GS ceremony. Does any one know how I should go about educating L so that the kids don't play her? I thought about giving her a copy of Nancy Thomas' Letter to the teacher for starters just because so much of the behaviors are mentioned there. I also don't want to overwhelm her. For those of you who may have a respite worker or some other support, how do you get those people up to speed so that they could be a help?

Calling it like I see it...

I wrote this post on January 6, 2009 and I have seen it get a ton of traffic and wondered why. I just found out today, the original title, an idiom I had used has been used for racist remarks. I had no idea.  In my world the word is a garden tool. *sigh*  So, I'm renaming this post to be what I intended just in case the traffic was coming through because of the political climate of today. After all when I went to search the terms meaning, that's all the crap that came up.  This post was all about me and nothing or nobody else.

Thanks.
~S

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Before the kids came and before Life Goes On..., my blog was called Diary of a Freak Magnet because that's how I felt.

I could be walking down an aisle at Walgreens looking for Vitamin C and have a lady come out of the restroom and tell me that she almost "shit herself" because they took so long to open the door and well um, she even bled. *wide-eyed stare*

Or being locked in my office by a co-worker (who I thought respected me and considered a friend ) who was trying to convince me that he could teach me how to party and that I should have children because of the "quality of person" that I am.

I've had a stalker who used to call my house and play some song with lyrics about "between the sheets" and sit outside my house at night leaving crushed cans of beer out on my curb. I've even had what I believe was the maintenance man come in my apartment, eat my food, move my magnets, and use my toilet with out flushing.

Those are just a few incidences. I've never fit in where ever I have gone. I can't say that I ever tried really hard either and I'm not too shy to call a spade a spade if you know what I mean? Because of my family situation, I tended to stay away from people when I was younger. In Jr High and High school I wasn't really allowed to go anywhere or to talk on the phone. My stepfather was really possessive of me. I stopped trying to make too deep of friendships because I couldn't explain why I wasn't allowed to use the phone or go to their house. Besides by the time I was 16 I was spending a good chunk of my time raising my step sister's kids and taking care of my sisters. Consequently, I knew a lot of people but wasn't really close to anyone.

As an adult now, knowing that I need to setup a support system with my roles as caregiver to my kids and husband, I've tried to reach out but again because of the circumstances that I am in it makes it tough. Other than internet friends, I literally have no one. No family. Nada.

I feel like I am in this limbo. I know I am married and have kids, but I don't feel it. I've wondered if the kids weren't relatives if I would feel like I had kids. Even though my sister is a rotten whore, she's still their mother. It's not a place I am trying to take. I always said I would never have kids and my mother would ask why I said that and I didn't know why, I just would answer "well, none of my own anyway."

Where this leads to is audacity I guess, the audacity of other people. The other day, the home health nurses were out to check hubs sores. They always ask about the kids and if any are biological. I always say we didn't get a chance to have kids. Most often the other person will say "well now you don't need to, you're set and you didn't even have to go through labor" and they will chuckle.

They just assume we don't want to have children of our own or need to. We have plenty. But I do want children of my own and granted I know that I am able to have children but we don't know if Hubs can. I still feel like that has been taken from me. I've always known that if it came to Hubs not being able to have children, I could live with that. But this way, with these circumstances, it's just cruel.

Those who don't know our situation with the kids or even my husband always assume that my husband and I never stop going at it or if they know my husband's condition than I guess they think I never climb off him or something, if you know what I mean? Especially during the span of November- March. In November we have two children of the same age (right now that is 7.) In January, one of the 7 year olds turns 8 and then we have two 8 year olds until February. Then in February when one of the 8 year olds turns 9, we have two 9 year olds until March. It always comes up and I don't know why having 5 children makes so much more of a difference than the typical 4 that I see out there.

I don't know how anyone else would take it, but I find it offensive and I tend to think those people are assholes. Even if it's in jest. But that's my opinion. I just get tired of it. Sometimes it makes me angry because I just want to be normal and I just seem to basically want what other people want. I don't want to be picked out of a crowd, I'm not trying to draw attention to myself or my family circumstances. I'm not special. I'm just trying to be.

This moment...

is perfect.

The day not so perfect but the moment I want to capture it and keep it.

Hubs is playing a game on his computer, the oldest is doing her homework, the boy is in his room, CDQ and SS are at the table doing their math. Yes, homeschool started back up today too. lol Poufy...oh that little Poufy, let's just say she's in her room.

It is a nice silence compared to the screaming and raging of Poufy earlier.

I have to say I feel like I'm this clueless person who should have known better or had an idea or something... I can't even articulate what I am feeling because...well, I don't know how.

Last night I was in Facebook trying to become familiar with it and I did a search on RAD. There were some groups and causes. Which led me some how into YouTube...when in youtube, I decided to search RAD there as well and who did I come across? Christine and a video of her children practicing strong sitting.

Ok, this is where I interrupt myself and say "Self, why couldn't you think of searching for this stuff? It's so obvious. Duh." *kicking self*

(side note: I also did some research on pressure sores because Hubs has a couple from the cushion change...who knew all that info was out there?)

(side side note: Did you all know that I have been in the computer field since elementary school?)

So fast forward to this morning... I see Lisa's post of J doing her tapping. I think "I should try these with the kids. When am I going to have time?"

Then about 2 hours later... I think... hey, I am the teacher, I decide what to teach in "school". I'm teaching Cool Down tips, tapping and strong sitting today.

Yes... when it comes to the kids, I feel very slow...mentally and physically. Somehow I formed this mental block that believes that I am a caregiver with rules to follow and I can't step outside the lines. I know it comes from the way we were treated by social workers and everytime I think I've moved past it, I realize it's still there and it drives me crazy. It also stems from the fact that I am Hubs caregiver and I have rules to follow there based on my employment. It's all very gray.

Anyway, I called the kids out, minus Poufy because she preferred to rage and be disrespectful. I sat them down in front of the laptop and I showed them Christine's kids. I explained to them that some of the kids had RAD like they do and that they use this to help them feel better.

They loved seeing Christine's kids. I think it was a connection, they asked if they were adopted too and I told them they were. My kids were sooo excited. I should have taken a picture of their faces. Their smiles were so big. They quickly spread out and started copying the kids on the screen. The boy was nervous as he always is because he is afraid of making mistakes. He'd rather not do something than be wrong. But SS and CDQ where into it.

Next, I had written down the sequence of tapping on the white board and I pulled up J's video of tapping. I told them J was also adopted and had RAD. I think if they didn't know better they would have waved to her. lol I just can't express how much they loved seeing the other kids.

We practiced tapping with J's video and then we did the whole thing on our own. I could tell that the boy was still confused but really wanted to learn it. CDQ was relaxed and SS-- she was so HAPPY. She was jumping around. I asked them how they felt and SS quickly piped up that she loved it and she felt better.

After that we went over the list of cool down ideas over at RADkid.org. We discussed the different tips and talked about starting Journals either this week or next week...because *I* am the teacher. lol We also talked about respect/disrespect and what it means. I was surprised to find out that they didn't know, or that they didn't know that they knew because they didn't make the connections. ( Some of you will probably be shaking your heads because as I am finally sloooowwwly realizing these things, they are just common sense to you. LOL)

I was so proud watching them strong sitting and tapping. I could feel the tension in the house just disappear, even with Poufy yelling and carrying on in the background. It was almost like she wasn't here and it was just the four of us.

The feeling has carried on and the house is in a state of tranquilty right now. Instead of bickering, there is studying and laughter. I'm making Hubs favorite meatball soup and the delicious smell is in the air, the house is warm and cozy and it just feels right (even with Poufy choosing her path!).

Thank you Christine and Lisa! It means a lot for you to share these things with us.


We will definitely be practicing tapping and strong sitting every day.

Watch this...

I tried to embed this but it wouldn't work...damn!

Catching up...

Ok, so the next few days I will spend catching up here on my blog.

First, I will start with the GS ceremony stuff. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that I need to recruit a camera and video camera volunteer for ceremonies. I put the video camera on the wrong side and got nothing but butts, mine and the parents. lol

I didn't get pictures of anything. :-( But I will be writing the parents to see if they got any good shots for our scrapbooking patch.

So, I will show you what the girls made for their parents instead. lol

My Daisies and Brownies made what I call fingerprint calendars. These are a sampling from different calendars to give you an idea of their hardwork.

The poem above is The Hands of a Child. Each girls picture was included underneath in their calendar.

Aren't they adorable? Each girls was different and I love that!

My Juniors made keepsake boxes. On the outside top they say "I can be anything because you..." and on the sides they wrote what their parents do for them that allows them to be anything. They decorated with ribbons and stickers.


On the inside top there is a picture of each girl and on the inside bottom is their signature, age and year. This idea came to me while in the dollar store. lol

Although we were missing some girls in the Junior and Brownie level, I was so happy to get these done. I could tell how proud and happy my girls were and that they couldn't wait to give them to their parents. I just hope their parents appreciated them. I didn't get to see because I was passing out rewards for our last sale when they were opening gifts. Darn!

I can't even express how proud I am of these girls and I feel so lucky and blessed to be able to have this chance to know them and work with them. They have given me so much in such a short amount of time and I know it's just going to make me a better person and a better mother/aunt to my kids.

2008, Leaving it all behind...

As I prepared for the New Year, I made a lot of my Grandmother's dishes with the memories of how my mother used to do it. I was alone in the middle of the night, prepping and cooking. Every year I do this. I make the beef and green chili chimichangas and the bean and cheese ones too, like my mother did. I remember asking my Grandmother for the Cheese ball recipe and how she basically just told me "a little bit of this and a little bit of that".

I hate New Year's although no one would really know it. Many think I'm just indifferent. I hate another year of nothing to show for. Although, in all honesty, I can look back and see many accomplishments just nothing that *I* ever think is extraordinary. I don't make resolutions and I'm not the drinking type. This year I was ahead of the game; I had plenty of time to think.

Instead of reflecting on my failures of the year, memories of parties at my grandparents home from when I was 3-5 years old drifted through my mind. Little nuggets- the bar with the flashing colored lights, the oil lamp of the lady bathing in the garden (for real, it was the late 70s but even then my grandparents house was like a time warp, lol) and the music. Real music, music with real words about love. The coffee table pushed to the side of the living room. My Grandparents swaying together. Finally, not fighting and looking happy and in love. They always started mellow.

But then there was the drinking, everyone was drinking (except my Grandmother). Friends, family, etc... My Daddy (Grandfather) would change the music and it would be music in Spanish, loud and fast. He would lift me in his arms and press his face against the side of mine holding one arm out hands intwined as he twirled me around faster and faster. I could smell the alcohol on his breath and I could hear the words. My legs would swing out and the room would spin and someone would swoop me out of his arms; for fear we would fall or something I guess. I would be set down on an end table or sofa and he would serenade me off key "ay chaparrita de oro...." (Roughly translated- little girl of gold).

Apparently that last year I silenced the room with my singing of Bridge Over Troubled Waters. LOL! I don't know the song now, but a lot of people remarked about my voice being so big for such a little girl. (That may have led to all the ballet folklorico lessons and performances as well as making me watch EVERY LITTLE KID who sang and performed on TV and being asked "Don't you want to do that? ""Doesn't she look pretty?", "You can do that, you are better than her"!) I was the only kid there at the parties. When I was 5, I looked like I was 2 or 3 because of my height. I would sit and watch in amazement. Until things turned after too much drinking...but I won't go there. I'll stay in the spot where I felt the most normal, the most like a family and the most loved and cared about ever by a family.

I realized that's the last New Year's when I was 4 or 5 that I ever felt. Then I went into defensive mode. "Who needs all that anyway?" "I'm ok without them." etc... I started to think about my kids. I've never had a mother. I was an accessory for my grandmother and a mother to my own mother. Why does this matter? Because I am an Aunt, not a mother. I often think if I had adopted a strangers child it would have been easier to fill the mother's role. But I questioned myself - could or should I be more than an Aunt to my nieces and nephew? When they grow up will they be like my sisters who tell me that I am their Mother figure or will they resent me for taking that place or even worse resent me for not trying to fill that void? I keep saying "I turned out ok." But I don't even know if that's true anymore. I also tell myself it doesn't really matter.

Then yesterday Lisa's daughter J made me cry with her post. It does matter. What I do now does mean something. With my memories I should know that. When the kids first came, I was all about changing things up and giving them the memories they deserved - good memories to cover up (because face it, that's all they can do, the old memories will always be there) but it didn't matter what I did, they wanted "ghetto". Then it was like they hated me. Granted the oldest ensured they behaved that way by telling them to act as bad as they could but even when the cat was out of the bag...they still persisted and it made it harder to believe they had RAD and that they weren't just pulling the wool over everyone's eyes.

I'll admit it. Until J's post, I didn't much believe in RAD. I was in denial, I swayed back and forth. Kids with trauma were placed in my home, no doubt. But I didn't buy the whole year and a half honeymoon period. I felt the therapist gave them ideas and in some ways I still do. I feel like she read them the RAD checklist by asking them if they did certain behaviors that they normally would be disgusted by and as time progressed seemed ok with. They never did any of those things with the previous therapist but he never put things in their heads either. He wanted them to do the talking.

But I realize, even so, I need to educate myself on these things and start to care again. I need to not give up and just be a place for them to stay until they are 18. I asked myself what made me different?, Who changed me?, How did I know there was something else? and I realized my whole life--strangers made the difference. I gravitated towards families unlike mine. Families with a mom and a dad, families that were tv show like compared to my world and I saw they were real. I started to believe in something more. I started to believe I could get out and make a difference.

I've been so depressed because I couldn't see that I have my chance to make a difference right here and now. All I could see is that I'm stuck just like the rest of them. Saddled down, married (although that's farther then they got) with a gazillion kids and I hated it. When you have kids, your life is over. I worked so hard to make sure this didn't happen to me so I could make a difference but it did. Then it hit me.

This is my difference. This is me showing my family that the cycle doesn't continue. They didn't put me in my place. I will make a difference and I will do it with a disabled husband AND 5 kids special needs or not.

2009 is going to be the beginning. WE will not be hopeless and helpless. My kids will have a real family. They will have real memories, good ones. With my sisters, I never intended to be their mother figure, but I guess it's ok and if that happens with my nieces and nephew, that's ok too.

This is not a resolution, this is me, and this will be change. My kids aren't going to know what hit them and the best part... I expect nothing from them in return. This time next year, there will be accomplishments big and small and they will be all about family. I can promise that. ;-)