I'm sure you have had these moments with your kids...the ones where they come to you and say:
"It hurts when I do ______."
So you turn around and tell them:
"Well then I wouldn't do ______ if I were you, would I?"
Ok, maybe not quite like that, but you know what I mean?
Tonight, the boy came up to me hand on forehead first palm side and then back of hand alternating.
"Last night, when I was under my covers, I was SOOO hot!"
Um...yeah...
Me: "Well, next time you're hot, take off your covers."
Him: *Staring blankly at me* "Ok."
*shaking my head and looking for the nearest wall to bang it against*
Honestly, I don't remember doing that when I was a kid and I've asked my mother about it and she said I never did things like that either.
Scary, huh? Especially since I know quite a few of you mothers out there are shaking your head thinking "I know EXACTLY what she is talking about." lol
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Then the ride stopped...
I went in to see my therapist (M) last week who immediately took me in to see CDQ's therapist (AT). She stayed in the room and that helped a lot.
I don't know where I flipped and started trying to be a people pleaser- that I haven't been since I went off to college. But I couldn't stand hearing myself say it was ok. I mean, really... my kid was totally disregulated and I paid for it and if AT was saying it was her fault, why did I keep insisting it was ok?
I feel like AT is inexperienced when it comes to kids like CDQ. I feel very strongly that this is AT's first really really bad case. I don't know. She keeps saying the Director is telling her what to do and that she is conferring with others and showing CDQ's video. I also noticed she's short tempered with my indecisiveness.
Case in point, the previous post about my visit with M, I talked about the rescue team not being put in a position where something can happen to them. All these months, I've been sitting out in the waiting room while CDQ goes in with AT, now that I say I am going to meet with M--CDQ says she needs me in the room.
Manipulation- whether it comes from fear or whatever, CDQ does NOT want me to get better. She wants to continue to be able to zing me. So is it truly fear or is it control. Yes, it could be argued that even if it is for control it is still fear...fine.
BUT, if I am part of the rescue am I doing more damage by not getting myself an oxygen mask first (ie. my therapy session)? I had my session with M scheduled to overlap with CDQ's since I was sitting out there the whole time doing nothing...so the AT asks CDQ if she wants me in the room and of course CDQ says yes now. I should go back and find the post about talking to AT about being in the room from the get go and getting the thumbs down, anyone remember that?
So, I was confused for a bit about what I should do. I know they charge $25 if you miss a session and I wasn't sure if they were going to do that. Plus, M had moved her schedule and moved someone else so I could have this slot...but mainly I was thinking about the rescue thing.
Out loud in front of AT, I had mumbled that I wasn't sure what I should do and I heard her mumble back that I needed to do whatever my child needed. Hmmmm... I guess that's all I'll say about that, for now anyway.
Anyhow, with M in the room it was easier to get AT to stop and listen to what I was saying. She would interrupt and say something to M who would turn around and ask me a question or look to me so I could say something.
So, we talked about a residential treatment center (RTC) but I said that I didn't want her to go. I always say I don't want her to learn new things but can you imagine the whole new set of traumas if she was "taken" from my home and placed with A LOT more people to be afraid of. It breaks my heart when I think of it that way. So for now, she will be seeing the therapist twice a week.
I made it clear there was to be no more Jonas Bros or any music at all. This in front of M, who I told a couple of months ago the one time I saw her, that I didn't want that anymore. Wow, that sentence sucks. I hope it makes sense. I'm just wondering when M sat in that day if she remembers that was a topic we discussed before.
I also told AT we needed to find a way for ME to bond with CDQ especially if she had flipped into processing trauma.
I told her about CDQ telling me she was scared to be in there with her AT. So AT asked her if she wanted me in there and she did. I don't think AT likes me in there. Actually, I don't think AT likes me at all, but that's neither here nor there. It's not about me after all.
Finally, I was taught something that helps. Tapping.
I thought there was something special to it because the way she explained to me before was that she was opening up CDQ during the sessions and would close her before she left. So I had never tried the tapping before.
Basically, all you do is tap the shoulders, the head, the tops of the knees, and the sides of her back gently with your fingers. This helps with the chatter. It also helps calm her down BIG TIME. I had to use it that night we got back from the therapist and it literally took her back to center under 5 minutes. I timed it. While you are doing this, you talk to her subconscious and tell her she is safe and that you are there to keep her safe and that you are completely there for her. So even if she's chattering and stuff, when she takes a break to breathe tell her she's safe and it actually slows down the chatter to silence. If you're worried she's going to ask a question that may set her off if you don't answer, tell her to take deep breaths. That's what I did.
I did tapping again tonight and this time aside from telling her she was safe, I did it while she was talking about her nightmares and I shifted her from talking about bad stuff to focusing on good stuff. I asked her what she thought would happen if she forgot the bad stuff. Of course, I'm not suggesting she will completely forget, but I brought this up because it just seems to me that she is perpetuating all the bad things in her mind because she may feel she needs to remember it or something.
I asked her what she thought would happen if she focused on good memories. Specifically safe memories. Of course, those were things from here. I asked her what made her happy and safe. She named foods and holidays. I asked her if there was a season that made her feel safe. She said winter because we stay inside and are warm.
She asked me if her mind was confusing her when it came to the music stuff. Because she really does think it makes her happy and then it makes her mad that she can't hear it. One of the things she said made her feel safe was strawberries. I asked her if strawberries made her feel mad and scared like the music does. She smiled and said "no". So, I told her I thought maybe she should think about that when it comes to the music.
She left my room pretty happy and was bubbly for the rest of the night. I'm not saying that the tapping is transforming her. I'm sure the other shoe will drop, but it helps to let me talk to the real CDQ. Sure she came back and questioned me more about music and I told her I wanted her to focus on things that weren't going to scare her before bedtime. I thought I was going to get THE FLIP...but she stayed regulated, there was a flicker but I had said I wanted her to feel safe and happy when she went to bed and apparently that's what she wanted for tonight as well.
So for now, the ride has slowed and hopefully will come to a complete stop for a little bit. In the meantime, I will be catching my breath. :-)
I don't know where I flipped and started trying to be a people pleaser- that I haven't been since I went off to college. But I couldn't stand hearing myself say it was ok. I mean, really... my kid was totally disregulated and I paid for it and if AT was saying it was her fault, why did I keep insisting it was ok?
I feel like AT is inexperienced when it comes to kids like CDQ. I feel very strongly that this is AT's first really really bad case. I don't know. She keeps saying the Director is telling her what to do and that she is conferring with others and showing CDQ's video. I also noticed she's short tempered with my indecisiveness.
Case in point, the previous post about my visit with M, I talked about the rescue team not being put in a position where something can happen to them. All these months, I've been sitting out in the waiting room while CDQ goes in with AT, now that I say I am going to meet with M--CDQ says she needs me in the room.
Manipulation- whether it comes from fear or whatever, CDQ does NOT want me to get better. She wants to continue to be able to zing me. So is it truly fear or is it control. Yes, it could be argued that even if it is for control it is still fear...fine.
BUT, if I am part of the rescue am I doing more damage by not getting myself an oxygen mask first (ie. my therapy session)? I had my session with M scheduled to overlap with CDQ's since I was sitting out there the whole time doing nothing...so the AT asks CDQ if she wants me in the room and of course CDQ says yes now. I should go back and find the post about talking to AT about being in the room from the get go and getting the thumbs down, anyone remember that?
So, I was confused for a bit about what I should do. I know they charge $25 if you miss a session and I wasn't sure if they were going to do that. Plus, M had moved her schedule and moved someone else so I could have this slot...but mainly I was thinking about the rescue thing.
Out loud in front of AT, I had mumbled that I wasn't sure what I should do and I heard her mumble back that I needed to do whatever my child needed. Hmmmm... I guess that's all I'll say about that, for now anyway.
Anyhow, with M in the room it was easier to get AT to stop and listen to what I was saying. She would interrupt and say something to M who would turn around and ask me a question or look to me so I could say something.
So, we talked about a residential treatment center (RTC) but I said that I didn't want her to go. I always say I don't want her to learn new things but can you imagine the whole new set of traumas if she was "taken" from my home and placed with A LOT more people to be afraid of. It breaks my heart when I think of it that way. So for now, she will be seeing the therapist twice a week.
I made it clear there was to be no more Jonas Bros or any music at all. This in front of M, who I told a couple of months ago the one time I saw her, that I didn't want that anymore. Wow, that sentence sucks. I hope it makes sense. I'm just wondering when M sat in that day if she remembers that was a topic we discussed before.
I also told AT we needed to find a way for ME to bond with CDQ especially if she had flipped into processing trauma.
I told her about CDQ telling me she was scared to be in there with her AT. So AT asked her if she wanted me in there and she did. I don't think AT likes me in there. Actually, I don't think AT likes me at all, but that's neither here nor there. It's not about me after all.
Finally, I was taught something that helps. Tapping.
I thought there was something special to it because the way she explained to me before was that she was opening up CDQ during the sessions and would close her before she left. So I had never tried the tapping before.
Basically, all you do is tap the shoulders, the head, the tops of the knees, and the sides of her back gently with your fingers. This helps with the chatter. It also helps calm her down BIG TIME. I had to use it that night we got back from the therapist and it literally took her back to center under 5 minutes. I timed it. While you are doing this, you talk to her subconscious and tell her she is safe and that you are there to keep her safe and that you are completely there for her. So even if she's chattering and stuff, when she takes a break to breathe tell her she's safe and it actually slows down the chatter to silence. If you're worried she's going to ask a question that may set her off if you don't answer, tell her to take deep breaths. That's what I did.
I did tapping again tonight and this time aside from telling her she was safe, I did it while she was talking about her nightmares and I shifted her from talking about bad stuff to focusing on good stuff. I asked her what she thought would happen if she forgot the bad stuff. Of course, I'm not suggesting she will completely forget, but I brought this up because it just seems to me that she is perpetuating all the bad things in her mind because she may feel she needs to remember it or something.
I asked her what she thought would happen if she focused on good memories. Specifically safe memories. Of course, those were things from here. I asked her what made her happy and safe. She named foods and holidays. I asked her if there was a season that made her feel safe. She said winter because we stay inside and are warm.
She asked me if her mind was confusing her when it came to the music stuff. Because she really does think it makes her happy and then it makes her mad that she can't hear it. One of the things she said made her feel safe was strawberries. I asked her if strawberries made her feel mad and scared like the music does. She smiled and said "no". So, I told her I thought maybe she should think about that when it comes to the music.
She left my room pretty happy and was bubbly for the rest of the night. I'm not saying that the tapping is transforming her. I'm sure the other shoe will drop, but it helps to let me talk to the real CDQ. Sure she came back and questioned me more about music and I told her I wanted her to focus on things that weren't going to scare her before bedtime. I thought I was going to get THE FLIP...but she stayed regulated, there was a flicker but I had said I wanted her to feel safe and happy when she went to bed and apparently that's what she wanted for tonight as well.
So for now, the ride has slowed and hopefully will come to a complete stop for a little bit. In the meantime, I will be catching my breath. :-)
Everything is going to be ok...
Deep breaths and lots of tapping. ;-)
I'll try to write more tonight...
But for now, I'm working on change, change, change...
I did a full mental makeover of myself over 15 years ago and I'm starting it again. This time I'm trying to take other people with me in this transformation. If it works great, if it doesn't at least I know I can change myself.
BTW, thanks to all my readers for reading and caring and just basically putting up with my whining as I tried to find my way through this.
Sometimes the only way out is through, ya know?
So I leave you with some Maya Angelou, who I love to pieces and has been helping me make it through...
I'll try to write more tonight...
But for now, I'm working on change, change, change...
I did a full mental makeover of myself over 15 years ago and I'm starting it again. This time I'm trying to take other people with me in this transformation. If it works great, if it doesn't at least I know I can change myself.
BTW, thanks to all my readers for reading and caring and just basically putting up with my whining as I tried to find my way through this.
Sometimes the only way out is through, ya know?
So I leave you with some Maya Angelou, who I love to pieces and has been helping me make it through...
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom
The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
Maya Angelou
I want to be free.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
All about me...
Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me. Why?
Cause I'm getting my groove back and I am going to be totally ready to have it out with the therapist if need be. I'm thinking not... but I've been avoiding the topic all together.
Things have not been well in my house. I have totally adapted the Beyond Consequences Model and I find myself catering to one child's whims constantly. I'm not saying Beyond Consequences is wrong or doesn't work, but I think that there are times when Nancy Thomas needs to come into play as well, you know?
It was the "I hate that fucking fat bitch", that did it for me today. For real? Especially since this fucking fat bitch didn't do anything but breathe.
We have been walking on eggshells in my house for 4 years. Revolving around one child's need to be everything.
I've realized that she's monopolized my time so much that I only get snippets with the other kids. Anytime they get near me, CDQ has an issue she needs to talk about RIGHT NOW. Or she just turns on me.
My other kids...bless my other kids, they are troopers. They've been silently hanging in there. But I'm tired of finding myself wondering what they are up to. If they still like this or that... I barely get to talk to them between meal times or when I catch them on the way to the bathroom or bed.
It's come to the point where they come and warn me that CDQ is looking for me (to attack me) or they even tell me to hide. They hug me extra hard. Especially SS, she always runs out and hunts me down and hugs me so tight. Especially after a CDQ attack.
I've been gearing up for homeschool and checking their reports etc... So, I know what they've done during the day and I hate that they look so surprised when I say "oh, you had trouble with this, I see." Luckily Hubbins has been helping them with the things they need.
CDQ consumes all my time. If she doesn't get what she wants for anything there is hell to pay. She's acting like a spoiled rotten brat. She's totally manipulative and I'm just supposed to understand that it's all trauma and fear related?
The stories I hear from the other kids... she's been terrorizing them from back in the day before they even got here, all to get what she wants.
Today, I called the three out: SS, Poufy and the Boy. We sat around at the picnic table and talked. I asked them if they felt safe here. They said they did, Poufy said she still had bad dreams but she felt mostly safe. The boy said he felt safe but CDQ scared him sometimes. The other kids piped up that she was scary and she was mean to them all the time. If they didn't listen to her go on and on about her fantasies she would retaliate by telling them they are ugly or stupid. She tries to scare them by telling them she's crazy and talking to herself or yelling at them when they pass her room to get reactions from them. They don't feel safe when she flips. They are angry and very upset when she flips on me.
They asked me why she said things like that to me. Why she talks back. I told them I didn't know. I talked to them about maybe CDQ leaving the house. I made sure they understood if CDQ were to leave the house, it wasn't because she was bad or did something bad but because she is sick.
See, I've contemplated taking her to the ER several times this week. Something went wrong at her last therapy session. I've been impatiently waiting to find out. As soon as we left she started ripping into her arms and scalp. I don't know, I'm curious if they actually started to process her trauma. Maybe that could be the cause. All I know is no more f'ing Jonas Bros.
See, I didn't want her to listen to that shit to begin with, but she told the therapist it makes her happy. So the therapist started rocking her and giving her a baby bottle while playing the music.
I should've been more forceful but I've been soooo freaking stressed to the point where I've had chest pains and thought maybe I was having a stroke or heart attack. So, out of desperation, I've just stood back.
That music does not make her happy. She's had dreams and hallucinations where they have threatened to kill her or hurt her. She told me she doesn't feel safe and I told the therapist these things and that I DID NOT want her playing the music for her.
CDQ lives in a fantasyland. She firmly believes she's going to be an actress or singer and in the interest of honestly...neither will be something in her future. But she takes an illusion that the therapist believes she will be so therefore it is gospel. She also thinks the therapist is God.
Anyhow, the therapist seems not to hear a word I say because she says, I am going to play them for her today while giving her a bottle. ARGH!!
That was the last session.
These stupid people do NOT make her happy. The music makes her feel inadequate, worthless, scared, ugly, angry. This is the way she acts. She always lashes out against me too. She has this weird idea of normal. She believes I need to buy her music, an mp3 player, a cell phone, any clothes she wants, etc... I've said no. She's 10.
Tomorrow, I say no more.
The other thing apparently the therapist has green eyes. CDQ draws everything with green eyes now. She has successfully bonded with her AT. Grreat.
Seems the only bonding thing the AT can come up with is something I physically can not do. Thanks for nothing.
I was feeling great the week before last, the best I felt in years and I came home to a kid who was bent on destroying that feeling for me. The reason I say that is because she flung herself on me and kept throwing herself down on me repeatedly. This wasn't a hold, this was rocking her. I made the mistake of telling her it hurt and she did it even harder. Keep in mind this kid is almost as tall as me and weighs over half of what I weigh, I ended up rocking her as she did this anyway and jacked myself up for the past two weeks. No more remission for me, nothing but flare ups exacerbated by her attitude. As soon as she flips on me, my heart falls into my stomach, I feel nauseous, my hands get ice cold and I can't focus anymore. I get tense and my joints hurt so bad.
I don't feel like things are any better. I think I was just taught to be submissive and take her abuse.
Not ok.
I have PTSD and more recently I feel like I may be depressed.
One child has done this to me. Sure the others have given me a hard time, but consistently it's CDQ who continues to terrorize.
I'm tired of it and I am done. I am so glad the kids aren't taking her abuse as hard as I am. Maybe they are used to her or maybe they are just used to abuse.
I warned the other kids that things might get tough. CDQ is going to start experiencing life like everyone else. If she can't keep it together I am NOT going to keep the other kids from doing things to avoid her BS. For example, if she's having a hard day and the other kids want to go outside but I know she will hurt them if she goes outside or she will attack me if I keep her inside, I just keep everyone inside. No more. They are going to go outside and she can just rage inside if she wants.
I am the fucking parent. ME.
Whether she wants me to be or anyone else. I signed on the damn line, ya know? I get the punches. I deal with everything. I want to start experiencing the joy of parenting that my husband gets or anyone else for that matter.
One thing that has been bothering me for months...
I tried to explain to the therapist that I was having a hard time being "Mom" to my sister's kids. I don't know if any of you can relate to that idea, but for me it's very confusing and mixed up. Sure I do "Mom" things, but I am their Aunt not their mother. The lines had already been drawn a long time ago.
I told her if they wanted it, I was all for it. But it's just hard for me to switch into that role and force the ones who don't.
She told me she didn't understand what I was saying. Um, ok.
Then she took it a step further and said " I guess I just love all kids."
WTF?
So because I am the biological Aunt and I think it's weird to become their mother I don't love them? How is that even logical? Because I believe their mother is their mother no matter what a paper says or what she's done to them, I don't love them? (I believe some people refer to them as first mothers)
It was hard for me to swallow what she was saying... I know kids have these issues, you know? I know I'm not the only one who is having this transition tough. I can't be. Most women go into adoption hoping and wishing because they feel they will become mothers. That was not my situation. My kids weren't looking for another mother either. I know it's been four years but none of us were expecting permanency. We are all still a little dumbstruck. How is that hard to believe and what does it have to do with loving?
That's been bothering me since the words came out of her mouth.
I wish I had alternatives. I wish I had another AT I could try. But this is it. I've been working so hard to keep her out of RTC but now I'm worried I'm not doing the right thing for her and the other kids by doing that. I'm worried that I'm keeping her out of RTC for selfish reasons. I don't want her to be labeled, I don't want her to be hurt or learn new things in RTC. But maybe she needs to be somewhere with 24/7 care. Maybe this is one of those situations where all the siblings shouldn't have been adopted together. I don't know.
All I do know is that I am picking myself up (yet again) and dusting myself off but this time...this time, I actually feel a little stronger. All the things I was afraid of, I'm tired of being afraid of. I'm tired of living in the "if".
A couple of things my therapist said to me struck home. She said sometimes when you worry so much about things you actually bring those things to you. She also said that when they send out a team of rescue people they never put their people in danger of being killed because if something happens to the rescue people then no one gets saved. Another thing my yoga instructor said is that "nobody will take care of you, but you."
I'm miserable and I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore. So if it's gonna come or happen, well bring it. Because I am tired of waiting for the other foot to fall. I am tired of living life as though I am a door mat and I am tired of the abuse.
Cause I'm getting my groove back and I am going to be totally ready to have it out with the therapist if need be. I'm thinking not... but I've been avoiding the topic all together.
Things have not been well in my house. I have totally adapted the Beyond Consequences Model and I find myself catering to one child's whims constantly. I'm not saying Beyond Consequences is wrong or doesn't work, but I think that there are times when Nancy Thomas needs to come into play as well, you know?
It was the "I hate that fucking fat bitch", that did it for me today. For real? Especially since this fucking fat bitch didn't do anything but breathe.
We have been walking on eggshells in my house for 4 years. Revolving around one child's need to be everything.
I've realized that she's monopolized my time so much that I only get snippets with the other kids. Anytime they get near me, CDQ has an issue she needs to talk about RIGHT NOW. Or she just turns on me.
My other kids...bless my other kids, they are troopers. They've been silently hanging in there. But I'm tired of finding myself wondering what they are up to. If they still like this or that... I barely get to talk to them between meal times or when I catch them on the way to the bathroom or bed.
It's come to the point where they come and warn me that CDQ is looking for me (to attack me) or they even tell me to hide. They hug me extra hard. Especially SS, she always runs out and hunts me down and hugs me so tight. Especially after a CDQ attack.
I've been gearing up for homeschool and checking their reports etc... So, I know what they've done during the day and I hate that they look so surprised when I say "oh, you had trouble with this, I see." Luckily Hubbins has been helping them with the things they need.
CDQ consumes all my time. If she doesn't get what she wants for anything there is hell to pay. She's acting like a spoiled rotten brat. She's totally manipulative and I'm just supposed to understand that it's all trauma and fear related?
The stories I hear from the other kids... she's been terrorizing them from back in the day before they even got here, all to get what she wants.
Today, I called the three out: SS, Poufy and the Boy. We sat around at the picnic table and talked. I asked them if they felt safe here. They said they did, Poufy said she still had bad dreams but she felt mostly safe. The boy said he felt safe but CDQ scared him sometimes. The other kids piped up that she was scary and she was mean to them all the time. If they didn't listen to her go on and on about her fantasies she would retaliate by telling them they are ugly or stupid. She tries to scare them by telling them she's crazy and talking to herself or yelling at them when they pass her room to get reactions from them. They don't feel safe when she flips. They are angry and very upset when she flips on me.
They asked me why she said things like that to me. Why she talks back. I told them I didn't know. I talked to them about maybe CDQ leaving the house. I made sure they understood if CDQ were to leave the house, it wasn't because she was bad or did something bad but because she is sick.
See, I've contemplated taking her to the ER several times this week. Something went wrong at her last therapy session. I've been impatiently waiting to find out. As soon as we left she started ripping into her arms and scalp. I don't know, I'm curious if they actually started to process her trauma. Maybe that could be the cause. All I know is no more f'ing Jonas Bros.
See, I didn't want her to listen to that shit to begin with, but she told the therapist it makes her happy. So the therapist started rocking her and giving her a baby bottle while playing the music.
I should've been more forceful but I've been soooo freaking stressed to the point where I've had chest pains and thought maybe I was having a stroke or heart attack. So, out of desperation, I've just stood back.
That music does not make her happy. She's had dreams and hallucinations where they have threatened to kill her or hurt her. She told me she doesn't feel safe and I told the therapist these things and that I DID NOT want her playing the music for her.
CDQ lives in a fantasyland. She firmly believes she's going to be an actress or singer and in the interest of honestly...neither will be something in her future. But she takes an illusion that the therapist believes she will be so therefore it is gospel. She also thinks the therapist is God.
Anyhow, the therapist seems not to hear a word I say because she says, I am going to play them for her today while giving her a bottle. ARGH!!
That was the last session.
These stupid people do NOT make her happy. The music makes her feel inadequate, worthless, scared, ugly, angry. This is the way she acts. She always lashes out against me too. She has this weird idea of normal. She believes I need to buy her music, an mp3 player, a cell phone, any clothes she wants, etc... I've said no. She's 10.
Tomorrow, I say no more.
The other thing apparently the therapist has green eyes. CDQ draws everything with green eyes now. She has successfully bonded with her AT. Grreat.
Seems the only bonding thing the AT can come up with is something I physically can not do. Thanks for nothing.
I was feeling great the week before last, the best I felt in years and I came home to a kid who was bent on destroying that feeling for me. The reason I say that is because she flung herself on me and kept throwing herself down on me repeatedly. This wasn't a hold, this was rocking her. I made the mistake of telling her it hurt and she did it even harder. Keep in mind this kid is almost as tall as me and weighs over half of what I weigh, I ended up rocking her as she did this anyway and jacked myself up for the past two weeks. No more remission for me, nothing but flare ups exacerbated by her attitude. As soon as she flips on me, my heart falls into my stomach, I feel nauseous, my hands get ice cold and I can't focus anymore. I get tense and my joints hurt so bad.
I don't feel like things are any better. I think I was just taught to be submissive and take her abuse.
Not ok.
I have PTSD and more recently I feel like I may be depressed.
One child has done this to me. Sure the others have given me a hard time, but consistently it's CDQ who continues to terrorize.
I'm tired of it and I am done. I am so glad the kids aren't taking her abuse as hard as I am. Maybe they are used to her or maybe they are just used to abuse.
I warned the other kids that things might get tough. CDQ is going to start experiencing life like everyone else. If she can't keep it together I am NOT going to keep the other kids from doing things to avoid her BS. For example, if she's having a hard day and the other kids want to go outside but I know she will hurt them if she goes outside or she will attack me if I keep her inside, I just keep everyone inside. No more. They are going to go outside and she can just rage inside if she wants.
I am the fucking parent. ME.
Whether she wants me to be or anyone else. I signed on the damn line, ya know? I get the punches. I deal with everything. I want to start experiencing the joy of parenting that my husband gets or anyone else for that matter.
One thing that has been bothering me for months...
I tried to explain to the therapist that I was having a hard time being "Mom" to my sister's kids. I don't know if any of you can relate to that idea, but for me it's very confusing and mixed up. Sure I do "Mom" things, but I am their Aunt not their mother. The lines had already been drawn a long time ago.
I told her if they wanted it, I was all for it. But it's just hard for me to switch into that role and force the ones who don't.
She told me she didn't understand what I was saying. Um, ok.
Then she took it a step further and said " I guess I just love all kids."
WTF?
So because I am the biological Aunt and I think it's weird to become their mother I don't love them? How is that even logical? Because I believe their mother is their mother no matter what a paper says or what she's done to them, I don't love them? (I believe some people refer to them as first mothers)
It was hard for me to swallow what she was saying... I know kids have these issues, you know? I know I'm not the only one who is having this transition tough. I can't be. Most women go into adoption hoping and wishing because they feel they will become mothers. That was not my situation. My kids weren't looking for another mother either. I know it's been four years but none of us were expecting permanency. We are all still a little dumbstruck. How is that hard to believe and what does it have to do with loving?
That's been bothering me since the words came out of her mouth.
I wish I had alternatives. I wish I had another AT I could try. But this is it. I've been working so hard to keep her out of RTC but now I'm worried I'm not doing the right thing for her and the other kids by doing that. I'm worried that I'm keeping her out of RTC for selfish reasons. I don't want her to be labeled, I don't want her to be hurt or learn new things in RTC. But maybe she needs to be somewhere with 24/7 care. Maybe this is one of those situations where all the siblings shouldn't have been adopted together. I don't know.
All I do know is that I am picking myself up (yet again) and dusting myself off but this time...this time, I actually feel a little stronger. All the things I was afraid of, I'm tired of being afraid of. I'm tired of living in the "if".
A couple of things my therapist said to me struck home. She said sometimes when you worry so much about things you actually bring those things to you. She also said that when they send out a team of rescue people they never put their people in danger of being killed because if something happens to the rescue people then no one gets saved. Another thing my yoga instructor said is that "nobody will take care of you, but you."
I'm miserable and I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore. So if it's gonna come or happen, well bring it. Because I am tired of waiting for the other foot to fall. I am tired of living life as though I am a door mat and I am tired of the abuse.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The one about homeschooling...
Just to address some things from Anonymous' comment. (Hi!)
I take no offense and I hope I'm not coming across as being sarcastic (I know most of what I write is sarcastic. lol) or as if I'm upset or anything like that. I'm not insulted either because I could have written your comments a couple of years ago myself.
I was so idealistic. Actually I still am, very much so, which makes it hard for me to deal with myself ;-)
I'm not saying you are. I can only speak for myself.
But having worked my entire career (up until I stopped to take care of Hubbins) in an academic setting (both higher learning and lower being elementary, middle, jr. high and high school), I learned that what should be and what really is are two very different animals.
Then the kids were placed with me and that was a whole new can of worms.
I think the idea (and I don't mean to be insulting either, I will explain more in this post) of getting me time and a break from my kids by sending them to school is a nice one. But while they were in school, I was there all the time. Pulling them out from under desks, bringing clean clothes, addressing allegations of inappropriate touching (both children and adults), arguing with the principal because of the "label" my kids were being given. For our situation, school is a major stressor and causes more problems at home.
At one point I was there because my daughter had asked the room mother why she wasn't invited to her friend's (the woman's daughter) birthday party (like the rest of the class) and the stupid bitch (cause that IS what she is) actually told her (she was 6 years old then) that she wasn't invited because she came from a "black family". My daughter was so confused because as she said "I'm not black, I'm light brown" :-p
My kids were facing more abuse at school. It may not have all been intentional, but I can tell you it made it much worse for our home situation. Every time I think it would be SOOOOO much better if they were in school, I remember how much worse it was because they were in school.
Believe me every year around this time, I question myself. Not because I can't do it or we don't have the resources in our home, but because I get that little inkling that I could have a daily break.
But.... back to earth. No more rages anymore, no more potty messes, no more violence against me- yeah, CDQ flips but it's not physical anymore. I haven't had to do the hold on anyone in at least 2 years. I may have more kids than most (maybe?) who have special needs, but I also know I have it easier than a lot of other mom's out there. A lot easier.
As for private school, I paid for the oldest to go to private school. That was a total waste of money and I've blogged about it here. They made it clear to me they aren't equipped for special needs. But I don't know how they get by with the regular "education" they are providing.
I know in the comment Anonymous said I wanted to homeschool but that's not entirely accurate, much like the adoption- it is a necessity that is in the best interest of my children. The therapist, psychologist and doctor agree that homeschool is the best thing for my children.
Maybe I should have been quicker with them to figure out what the problems were with home school, but since I've moved the oldest back, she is enjoying it and asking to log on all the time. They were first placed here during the summer where I did my own educational evaluation on all of them and had figured they were behind. But like I said, they went into the school system out here and they excelled, CDQ specifically was in a bi-level class where she could work with the older kids in the next grade. She was the only one who had a teacher who would take the time to listen and really cared. She was able to keep that teacher for two years. But that teacher also shared with me her frustrations with the district and how they basically have their hands tied and are told what to teach and when to teach it.
Yesterday, my mom was painting CDQs nails at the kitchen table while we were cooking dinner. I thought I had heard CDQ say that she didn't like homeschool, so I was paying close attention (because the "what if..." came to mind. ) but I couldn't hear very well with the mixer going. I turned it off and I said "You don't like homeschool?" My mom answered and said "No, she said she likes homeschool." Then CDQ piped up "I love homeschool! It's so much fun and better than being in school."
Then I breathed a sigh of relief. lol! I don't know if the "what if?" will ever go away. I don't see my kids remaining homeschooled either. I think as their healing progresses they will return back to public/private school and I will be sure they are still learning everything that the school's are failing them at because my kids do talk about going to college. But I want them to experience it all. Friends, clubs, dances, sports. I know some kids aren't able to do those things, some day my kids will. I'm not a parent in denial, nor am I trying to put stuff on them. These are things they will pick and choose on their own. But as they heal a little more, I can see these things will be options for most of them if not all.
So, for now in a way this is helping myself. I was thinking too, maybe my title in the last post was misleading. There are many things that I can't talk about that are stressing me out...so I talked about the other little things that are going on right now. My stressors these days are more to do with my grandmother and her thieving lying husband and children (not all of her kids). In that case, for myself, I am going to yoga class tomorrow evening, talking to a therapist on Wednesday and seeing some lawyers on Thursday.
I take no offense and I hope I'm not coming across as being sarcastic (I know most of what I write is sarcastic. lol) or as if I'm upset or anything like that. I'm not insulted either because I could have written your comments a couple of years ago myself.
I was so idealistic. Actually I still am, very much so, which makes it hard for me to deal with myself ;-)
I'm not saying you are. I can only speak for myself.
But having worked my entire career (up until I stopped to take care of Hubbins) in an academic setting (both higher learning and lower being elementary, middle, jr. high and high school), I learned that what should be and what really is are two very different animals.
Then the kids were placed with me and that was a whole new can of worms.
I think the idea (and I don't mean to be insulting either, I will explain more in this post) of getting me time and a break from my kids by sending them to school is a nice one. But while they were in school, I was there all the time. Pulling them out from under desks, bringing clean clothes, addressing allegations of inappropriate touching (both children and adults), arguing with the principal because of the "label" my kids were being given. For our situation, school is a major stressor and causes more problems at home.
At one point I was there because my daughter had asked the room mother why she wasn't invited to her friend's (the woman's daughter) birthday party (like the rest of the class) and the stupid bitch (cause that IS what she is) actually told her (she was 6 years old then) that she wasn't invited because she came from a "black family". My daughter was so confused because as she said "I'm not black, I'm light brown" :-p
My kids were facing more abuse at school. It may not have all been intentional, but I can tell you it made it much worse for our home situation. Every time I think it would be SOOOOO much better if they were in school, I remember how much worse it was because they were in school.
Believe me every year around this time, I question myself. Not because I can't do it or we don't have the resources in our home, but because I get that little inkling that I could have a daily break.
But.... back to earth. No more rages anymore, no more potty messes, no more violence against me- yeah, CDQ flips but it's not physical anymore. I haven't had to do the hold on anyone in at least 2 years. I may have more kids than most (maybe?) who have special needs, but I also know I have it easier than a lot of other mom's out there. A lot easier.
As for private school, I paid for the oldest to go to private school. That was a total waste of money and I've blogged about it here. They made it clear to me they aren't equipped for special needs. But I don't know how they get by with the regular "education" they are providing.
I know in the comment Anonymous said I wanted to homeschool but that's not entirely accurate, much like the adoption- it is a necessity that is in the best interest of my children. The therapist, psychologist and doctor agree that homeschool is the best thing for my children.
Maybe I should have been quicker with them to figure out what the problems were with home school, but since I've moved the oldest back, she is enjoying it and asking to log on all the time. They were first placed here during the summer where I did my own educational evaluation on all of them and had figured they were behind. But like I said, they went into the school system out here and they excelled, CDQ specifically was in a bi-level class where she could work with the older kids in the next grade. She was the only one who had a teacher who would take the time to listen and really cared. She was able to keep that teacher for two years. But that teacher also shared with me her frustrations with the district and how they basically have their hands tied and are told what to teach and when to teach it.
Yesterday, my mom was painting CDQs nails at the kitchen table while we were cooking dinner. I thought I had heard CDQ say that she didn't like homeschool, so I was paying close attention (because the "what if..." came to mind. ) but I couldn't hear very well with the mixer going. I turned it off and I said "You don't like homeschool?" My mom answered and said "No, she said she likes homeschool." Then CDQ piped up "I love homeschool! It's so much fun and better than being in school."
Then I breathed a sigh of relief. lol! I don't know if the "what if?" will ever go away. I don't see my kids remaining homeschooled either. I think as their healing progresses they will return back to public/private school and I will be sure they are still learning everything that the school's are failing them at because my kids do talk about going to college. But I want them to experience it all. Friends, clubs, dances, sports. I know some kids aren't able to do those things, some day my kids will. I'm not a parent in denial, nor am I trying to put stuff on them. These are things they will pick and choose on their own. But as they heal a little more, I can see these things will be options for most of them if not all.
So, for now in a way this is helping myself. I was thinking too, maybe my title in the last post was misleading. There are many things that I can't talk about that are stressing me out...so I talked about the other little things that are going on right now. My stressors these days are more to do with my grandmother and her thieving lying husband and children (not all of her kids). In that case, for myself, I am going to yoga class tomorrow evening, talking to a therapist on Wednesday and seeing some lawyers on Thursday.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
So much I can't talk about...
This week has been a zoo.
There are a lot of personal things going on right now that I want to blog about but need more time to think about whether I should blog those things or not.
I'm in the same boat when it comes to pics of my kids. They are totally fine with me posting their pics on the blog BUT they have requested that their mother never get a picture from me of them or ever be able to see pictures of them now...so, um...yeah.
I'm not sure how I can do both things since the internet is like, public and all. :-)
Special thanks to Anonymous, the comment that was left here on my last post led me to rethink what was going on here. In the process, I found out the oldest basically missed almost the entire first and third year of school.
My point to Anonymous was going to be that I live in a state that is ranked 47th when it comes to education. In fact the very day I got the comment was the day the state cut $15 million more dollars from the school district's budget. I think the school district is going to have to sue our state to get the funds they need. It's a mess. I also noted in our local paper the very next day headlined that our schools didn't make AYP.
In the past before I decided to homeschool, I tried to purchase a house in the area where the best school for special needs children was located. Because of the economy, I couldn't buy/sell a house/my house. So I tried to put my kids on a waiting list after trying to transfer them. No luck.
Some of my kids were mistreated in the school system. I witnessed some of it. I knew the district wasn't going to do anything for my kids because they don't look like anything is wrong with them.
The best place for my kids is here in my home. After the comment I realized what a shitty education my kids were getting and then it hit me. My kids were at the top of their class, they had told me the boy was the best reader they had, yet he couldn't read.... maybe they WERE the best. But also maybe they weren't being taught the things that are normally taught everywhere else but here for their age range.
I didn't realize that even though they were at the top of their class at school, when I signed them up for their grade curriculum they ALL struggled and it was because the program was ahead of them. Therapists told me the kids would struggle to concentrate and sometimes I think they do. They won't tell me when they have problems and I've been working with them on that. For some reason my kids think they should just know stuff already. I keep having to explain that they have to learn it like everyone else. Nobody just knows something.
I've moved some of my kids back a couple of grades. In the case of the oldest, I moved her back to first grade. So far we've discovered that she's never really done place value. She's touched on it, but never got the full explanation of it. At first she was bummed to be going so far back, but since she found out she missed place value, she's changed her mind about going that far back. She seems happier with school now and she comes and talks to me about what she's learned that she missed before. I had talked with her about it because I felt she was struggling because she had holes in her education. She was missing the basics in some things and had no clue sometimes when I would mention certain building blocks that led to what she was working on. I have a feeling it's going to be a lot more that she'll discover she missed. But I'm really glad that the attitude has shifted almost overnight from hating on me and school, to being excited to log in to school and find out what's in store for the day.
I can't believe this stuff didn't cross my mind to begin with. Sometimes I get so tangled into the reasons why, that I miss the point entirely. lol!
There are a lot of personal things going on right now that I want to blog about but need more time to think about whether I should blog those things or not.
I'm in the same boat when it comes to pics of my kids. They are totally fine with me posting their pics on the blog BUT they have requested that their mother never get a picture from me of them or ever be able to see pictures of them now...so, um...yeah.
I'm not sure how I can do both things since the internet is like, public and all. :-)
Special thanks to Anonymous, the comment that was left here on my last post led me to rethink what was going on here. In the process, I found out the oldest basically missed almost the entire first and third year of school.
My point to Anonymous was going to be that I live in a state that is ranked 47th when it comes to education. In fact the very day I got the comment was the day the state cut $15 million more dollars from the school district's budget. I think the school district is going to have to sue our state to get the funds they need. It's a mess. I also noted in our local paper the very next day headlined that our schools didn't make AYP.
In the past before I decided to homeschool, I tried to purchase a house in the area where the best school for special needs children was located. Because of the economy, I couldn't buy/sell a house/my house. So I tried to put my kids on a waiting list after trying to transfer them. No luck.
Some of my kids were mistreated in the school system. I witnessed some of it. I knew the district wasn't going to do anything for my kids because they don't look like anything is wrong with them.
The best place for my kids is here in my home. After the comment I realized what a shitty education my kids were getting and then it hit me. My kids were at the top of their class, they had told me the boy was the best reader they had, yet he couldn't read.... maybe they WERE the best. But also maybe they weren't being taught the things that are normally taught everywhere else but here for their age range.
I didn't realize that even though they were at the top of their class at school, when I signed them up for their grade curriculum they ALL struggled and it was because the program was ahead of them. Therapists told me the kids would struggle to concentrate and sometimes I think they do. They won't tell me when they have problems and I've been working with them on that. For some reason my kids think they should just know stuff already. I keep having to explain that they have to learn it like everyone else. Nobody just knows something.
I've moved some of my kids back a couple of grades. In the case of the oldest, I moved her back to first grade. So far we've discovered that she's never really done place value. She's touched on it, but never got the full explanation of it. At first she was bummed to be going so far back, but since she found out she missed place value, she's changed her mind about going that far back. She seems happier with school now and she comes and talks to me about what she's learned that she missed before. I had talked with her about it because I felt she was struggling because she had holes in her education. She was missing the basics in some things and had no clue sometimes when I would mention certain building blocks that led to what she was working on. I have a feeling it's going to be a lot more that she'll discover she missed. But I'm really glad that the attitude has shifted almost overnight from hating on me and school, to being excited to log in to school and find out what's in store for the day.
I can't believe this stuff didn't cross my mind to begin with. Sometimes I get so tangled into the reasons why, that I miss the point entirely. lol!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Understanding the Stress Model-- or learning it by living...
So I attended the Free Bryan Post Seminar that I posted about earlier this week.
He discussed the stress model and how we can help ourselves and our children if we understand it.
The stress model consists of three parts.
Behavior
Emotion
Stress
The model works upwards because, for those of you who have read Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control , we have learned that
So, beneath the stress part above you would see the triggering event and then stress turns into an emotion- either love (regulation) or fear (dysregulation) depending on which emotion is felt you will either see negative or positive emotions.
Simple enough right?
This was Thursday night, fast forward to yesterday morning where I was trying to explain the model to the 14 year old. I didn't expect her to get it, but if she did and understood her behaviors... well I figured it couldn't hurt.
This is what happened in my house, yesterday (Saturday was yesterday when I wrote this) morning I spent the entire morning making berrylicious smoothies with my kids 2 at a time with the youngest and then one last time with the oldest. They also made strawberry and banana kabobs. It was uneventful. CDQ was the only one who didn't seem to like the smoothie, but I did have her drink it anyway because out of all my kids, she needs all the nutrients from it the most. I just told her next time we make it, to remind me but that we were going to use different berries so she might want to try that anyway.
After breakfast, CDQ asked me if she could read a book. Here I have to say that the night before CDQ moved down from 3rd grade to 2nd grade because she's not cutting it. I can hear her laughing and clicking anything and everything when she's on the computer, she's purposefully not paying attention and doesn't care about school work. She used to excel at it and care but now all she cares about is pop stars and listening to music, watching tv. I know how this portion of the post can be torn to bits but let me keep explaining.
Anyhow, that night she told me it was too hard to concentrate and that she couldn't focus on the paragraphs and she was having trouble, etc... I fell for it. Hence the move to 2nd grade (keep in mind she should be starting 5th grade this year.)
Going back (and sorry to make this so confusing) she asked me to read her book and I told her no. We were setting up for a movie (Diary of a Wimpy Kid) and I saw no point to her going and pulling the book from the shelf when I was about to call her back out in less than 5 minutes.
They watch the movie while I run out to the library to return books, goodwill to donate stuff, and then to buy a new kitchen faucet (3rd one so far) because they broke the old one. I'm heading home when Hubbins calls me and asks if the kids (read CDQ) can read her book. I said no. I had actually been thinking about it and I'm trying to figure out how in the world she can read a book when she can't read a paragraph for homeschool? I'm also getting worried because I don't think backwards is good. I mean I'm still accountable to the state (and of course to the kids) for their education and I don't know if the state really gives a ---- about their traumas, ya know? I've just seen so many horror stories.
So I figure if she can read her book, she should be able to homeschool for a little bit, no?
Well, my saying no triggered this huge blow out in her. She's being abused here, she's not allowed to do anything, she's just sitting and rotting in her bedroom. I find all this out when I get home. I haven't even tried to publish anything about the major BS that is going down here when it comes to my grandmother. But I am stressed to the point where I feel like my heart is going to just bust and give out.
So, I get home and I hear all this $%^& about her not getting the disney channel or getting to watch tv (remember this is RIGHT after they saw that movie and we've never had the disney channel or cable/satellite since they've been here). What do I do? I stay regulated and calm and work through it, right?
Um, NO!
I go into my own drama because really...WTF? Abused? Really? *sigh*
I close myself in my room, sitting on the floor behind my recliner and venting to Hubbins that I am so done. If they want to send her to RTC, Good Riddance! I was just at the end of my rope because I know she is a stressor to my other kids and I know their healing would be easier if she wasn't here. But I keep fighting it and the last thing I want is for her to go into RTC. I think she would come back worse.
So anyhow, I am boohooing and bitching and moaning and I tangent into how stressed I am and how my chest and back hurts everyday. I get up because I was making dinner and I go out there and start serving the kids and I'm thinking about the things I have learned as much as I possibly can in this state of mind. SS tells me that CDQ is saying mean thing about me and yelling at me (I heard none of it). But I go to her room and I tell her I am not going to argue with her but she better watch what she's saying because she's going to regret it later on when all this has passed over (Sometimes CDQ says things and then after she feels so bad about what she says she starts digging her nails into herself or scratching herself with her nails). I'm about to walk away when she starts in on me, but this ground is familiar. My mind flashes to her period pills and how it's the last orange before the white period week pills and suddenly like a ton of bricks it hits me what's going on.
CDQ regresses every month during her period, just like clockwork. Last month, when I had her regulated, I told her to remember what had happened and how it has to do with her period so this month she would know when she started to feel that way and then this month would be unicorns and rainbows and crap because she would KNOW what it was about. So dense and naive that I am, even I forgot. But no, I didn't stop there.
I was all like REMEMBER! This is your period stuff, it will go away. I was all relieved about it and figured it would be a light bulb moment for her and life would go on and the clouds would part and angels would be singing... but, um. No. She was still pissed.
I didn't know that until I called them out for dinner and I got daggers from her, so I sent her back to her room and I met her in there right after (I still can't walk normal, so it takes me a little longer) as soon as I went in the room, I told her to come to me and I hugged her. I told her I was sorry that I got mad and that my feelings were hurt by what she said and then I ended up doing the same exact thing she was doing to me. I told her I was trying to push her away like she pushes me away because I was upset. I asked her if she did realize that this had to do with her period. And she said she did. I also asked her if she was in pain. She said she had really bad cramps and they just started getting worse as the day went on. I reminded her that she needs to tell me when this happens because I don't know unless she tells me and I can give her something to stop the pain.
But then I realized that this is the neuro stuff her therapist is talking about. These are the connections that we are trying to undo and connect in other ways in her brain. Somehow in my mind, the light bulb came on and I realized that she was getting madder and madder at me because her mother caused her pain and she connected her pain to the mother figure (me now) and I was causing her pain by *ignoring* her pain. I mean, logically how can I ignore her when I don't know because she never said, but she's developmentally the age of a toddler. (note to self: remind kids and girls at least once a month that they have to tell me something is wrong or hurts whenever they feel it).
So, I was hugging her but I stood back and grabbed her arms because I just felt like *I* had to breathe. I'm holding her arms and telling her that I need to breathe and she should breathe with me. So we are taking deep breathes as I move our arms up and down and after the third time she takes the lead of moving our arms. We do that for a few minutes and then we just sit down on her bed and I hold her close to me with my arm.
I asked her if she's ok and she she tells me she is, I asked her if we're ok and she nods that we are. I asked her if she feels ready to eat and she says she is. Then I did something stupid ,as usual, nothing big, maybe tripped or something- can't remember, I just remember laughing about it and her smile.
Later my mom stopped me to ask me what was going on with CDQ. I tell her she was used to her mother causing her pain and she's associated pain with the mother figure who is now me. My mom just stared at me. She doesn't get it. I hope when she takes the course next month that something will click for her.
Later CDQ came to me and said she wanted to tell me something but didn't know how. She told me she has bad dreams about her bio mom but her face changes to mine and vice versa. She says she doesn't understand because when she has bad dreams about her bio father, it's always him- it doesn't shift between him and Hubbins and it confuses her.
I had her repeat that to my mom and my mom thought it was weird. I told her it's part of her RAD diagnosis.
CDQ also talked to me about music and disney crap. For a few months, I said everything disney was okay-- movies and music. I trusted them. I no longer do. I pulled up the current cd of miley cyrus and I showed her what she looks like now, then I pulled up britney pics before and now. I told them that the music industry exploits both the stars and the fans and that I did not want to contribute to the demise of these poor girls. I said if they wanted to they could listen to it whenever it was radio time and they came on, but that was the extent that I was going to go.
I also mentioned that I was thinking that movies, books and music might have to be connected to better grades because some people just didn't care anymore. All of a sudden CDQ knew her grades would get better and she was all about how she could do this and that and the other.
I've gotta be honest. I think some behaviors are just straight out manipulation. If the stressor is the desire for something. Well we all have wants, but that doesn't make it a need. I know there are ways to rationalize this to fit the BCLC model and I know this shows me flipping towards the more traditional Nancy Thomas approach. But I don't think I should have to bribe my kids so they can get an education. I might be more understanding if they had learning disabilities but from what I can tell, only one of them has a LD and she's the one who works the hardest and the longest. I have to pull her away from the program. I understand trauma and stress makes it hard to focus and I tell them if they are stressed out they don't need to log in and for most of them they are honest about it. I just need to keep my eyes open because I worry the oldest is influencing CDQ about school and music and I don't like it one bit.
He discussed the stress model and how we can help ourselves and our children if we understand it.
The stress model consists of three parts.
Behavior
Emotion
Stress
The model works upwards because, for those of you who have read Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control , we have learned that
“All behavior stems from a neurophysiological state of stress (dysregulation) and in between stress and behavior there lies the presence of a primary emotion. It is through the expression of emotions that we gain access into both behavior and stress. Through emphasis on the effective expression of emotions, parents can foster the environment necessary to calm or regulate the neurophysiological state of stress and diminish the demonstrated behavior.”
So, beneath the stress part above you would see the triggering event and then stress turns into an emotion- either love (regulation) or fear (dysregulation) depending on which emotion is felt you will either see negative or positive emotions.
Simple enough right?
This was Thursday night, fast forward to yesterday morning where I was trying to explain the model to the 14 year old. I didn't expect her to get it, but if she did and understood her behaviors... well I figured it couldn't hurt.
This is what happened in my house, yesterday (Saturday was yesterday when I wrote this) morning I spent the entire morning making berrylicious smoothies with my kids 2 at a time with the youngest and then one last time with the oldest. They also made strawberry and banana kabobs. It was uneventful. CDQ was the only one who didn't seem to like the smoothie, but I did have her drink it anyway because out of all my kids, she needs all the nutrients from it the most. I just told her next time we make it, to remind me but that we were going to use different berries so she might want to try that anyway.
After breakfast, CDQ asked me if she could read a book. Here I have to say that the night before CDQ moved down from 3rd grade to 2nd grade because she's not cutting it. I can hear her laughing and clicking anything and everything when she's on the computer, she's purposefully not paying attention and doesn't care about school work. She used to excel at it and care but now all she cares about is pop stars and listening to music, watching tv. I know how this portion of the post can be torn to bits but let me keep explaining.
Anyhow, that night she told me it was too hard to concentrate and that she couldn't focus on the paragraphs and she was having trouble, etc... I fell for it. Hence the move to 2nd grade (keep in mind she should be starting 5th grade this year.)
Going back (and sorry to make this so confusing) she asked me to read her book and I told her no. We were setting up for a movie (Diary of a Wimpy Kid) and I saw no point to her going and pulling the book from the shelf when I was about to call her back out in less than 5 minutes.
They watch the movie while I run out to the library to return books, goodwill to donate stuff, and then to buy a new kitchen faucet (3rd one so far) because they broke the old one. I'm heading home when Hubbins calls me and asks if the kids (read CDQ) can read her book. I said no. I had actually been thinking about it and I'm trying to figure out how in the world she can read a book when she can't read a paragraph for homeschool? I'm also getting worried because I don't think backwards is good. I mean I'm still accountable to the state (and of course to the kids) for their education and I don't know if the state really gives a ---- about their traumas, ya know? I've just seen so many horror stories.
So I figure if she can read her book, she should be able to homeschool for a little bit, no?
Well, my saying no triggered this huge blow out in her. She's being abused here, she's not allowed to do anything, she's just sitting and rotting in her bedroom. I find all this out when I get home. I haven't even tried to publish anything about the major BS that is going down here when it comes to my grandmother. But I am stressed to the point where I feel like my heart is going to just bust and give out.
So, I get home and I hear all this $%^& about her not getting the disney channel or getting to watch tv (remember this is RIGHT after they saw that movie and we've never had the disney channel or cable/satellite since they've been here). What do I do? I stay regulated and calm and work through it, right?
Um, NO!
I go into my own drama because really...WTF? Abused? Really? *sigh*
I close myself in my room, sitting on the floor behind my recliner and venting to Hubbins that I am so done. If they want to send her to RTC, Good Riddance! I was just at the end of my rope because I know she is a stressor to my other kids and I know their healing would be easier if she wasn't here. But I keep fighting it and the last thing I want is for her to go into RTC. I think she would come back worse.
So anyhow, I am boohooing and bitching and moaning and I tangent into how stressed I am and how my chest and back hurts everyday. I get up because I was making dinner and I go out there and start serving the kids and I'm thinking about the things I have learned as much as I possibly can in this state of mind. SS tells me that CDQ is saying mean thing about me and yelling at me (I heard none of it). But I go to her room and I tell her I am not going to argue with her but she better watch what she's saying because she's going to regret it later on when all this has passed over (Sometimes CDQ says things and then after she feels so bad about what she says she starts digging her nails into herself or scratching herself with her nails). I'm about to walk away when she starts in on me, but this ground is familiar. My mind flashes to her period pills and how it's the last orange before the white period week pills and suddenly like a ton of bricks it hits me what's going on.
CDQ regresses every month during her period, just like clockwork. Last month, when I had her regulated, I told her to remember what had happened and how it has to do with her period so this month she would know when she started to feel that way and then this month would be unicorns and rainbows and crap because she would KNOW what it was about. So dense and naive that I am, even I forgot. But no, I didn't stop there.
I was all like REMEMBER! This is your period stuff, it will go away. I was all relieved about it and figured it would be a light bulb moment for her and life would go on and the clouds would part and angels would be singing... but, um. No. She was still pissed.
I didn't know that until I called them out for dinner and I got daggers from her, so I sent her back to her room and I met her in there right after (I still can't walk normal, so it takes me a little longer) as soon as I went in the room, I told her to come to me and I hugged her. I told her I was sorry that I got mad and that my feelings were hurt by what she said and then I ended up doing the same exact thing she was doing to me. I told her I was trying to push her away like she pushes me away because I was upset. I asked her if she did realize that this had to do with her period. And she said she did. I also asked her if she was in pain. She said she had really bad cramps and they just started getting worse as the day went on. I reminded her that she needs to tell me when this happens because I don't know unless she tells me and I can give her something to stop the pain.
But then I realized that this is the neuro stuff her therapist is talking about. These are the connections that we are trying to undo and connect in other ways in her brain. Somehow in my mind, the light bulb came on and I realized that she was getting madder and madder at me because her mother caused her pain and she connected her pain to the mother figure (me now) and I was causing her pain by *ignoring* her pain. I mean, logically how can I ignore her when I don't know because she never said, but she's developmentally the age of a toddler. (note to self: remind kids and girls at least once a month that they have to tell me something is wrong or hurts whenever they feel it).
So, I was hugging her but I stood back and grabbed her arms because I just felt like *I* had to breathe. I'm holding her arms and telling her that I need to breathe and she should breathe with me. So we are taking deep breathes as I move our arms up and down and after the third time she takes the lead of moving our arms. We do that for a few minutes and then we just sit down on her bed and I hold her close to me with my arm.
I asked her if she's ok and she she tells me she is, I asked her if we're ok and she nods that we are. I asked her if she feels ready to eat and she says she is. Then I did something stupid ,as usual, nothing big, maybe tripped or something- can't remember, I just remember laughing about it and her smile.
Later my mom stopped me to ask me what was going on with CDQ. I tell her she was used to her mother causing her pain and she's associated pain with the mother figure who is now me. My mom just stared at me. She doesn't get it. I hope when she takes the course next month that something will click for her.
Later CDQ came to me and said she wanted to tell me something but didn't know how. She told me she has bad dreams about her bio mom but her face changes to mine and vice versa. She says she doesn't understand because when she has bad dreams about her bio father, it's always him- it doesn't shift between him and Hubbins and it confuses her.
I had her repeat that to my mom and my mom thought it was weird. I told her it's part of her RAD diagnosis.
CDQ also talked to me about music and disney crap. For a few months, I said everything disney was okay-- movies and music. I trusted them. I no longer do. I pulled up the current cd of miley cyrus and I showed her what she looks like now, then I pulled up britney pics before and now. I told them that the music industry exploits both the stars and the fans and that I did not want to contribute to the demise of these poor girls. I said if they wanted to they could listen to it whenever it was radio time and they came on, but that was the extent that I was going to go.
I also mentioned that I was thinking that movies, books and music might have to be connected to better grades because some people just didn't care anymore. All of a sudden CDQ knew her grades would get better and she was all about how she could do this and that and the other.
I've gotta be honest. I think some behaviors are just straight out manipulation. If the stressor is the desire for something. Well we all have wants, but that doesn't make it a need. I know there are ways to rationalize this to fit the BCLC model and I know this shows me flipping towards the more traditional Nancy Thomas approach. But I don't think I should have to bribe my kids so they can get an education. I might be more understanding if they had learning disabilities but from what I can tell, only one of them has a LD and she's the one who works the hardest and the longest. I have to pull her away from the program. I understand trauma and stress makes it hard to focus and I tell them if they are stressed out they don't need to log in and for most of them they are honest about it. I just need to keep my eyes open because I worry the oldest is influencing CDQ about school and music and I don't like it one bit.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Have you seen her?
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| Missing coolest sisa ever! |
This is my big sisa Scrawnie. Isn't she super cool?
Our Great-Nana thought that I was Scrawnie's daughter. I thought that was soooo awesome and as you can see from Scrawn's pic below, she thought it was soooo awesome too. In fact, she even was at a loss for meows over it.
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| She thinks what? |
Our little sisa Smudge (below) says that she can't quite put her paw on it, but she thinks there's something definitely wrong with Scrawnie. Secretly, I think Smudge is just jealous.
I'm gonna keep lookin' for her. If you see her around would you let her know her identical twin is looking for her. She'll know who your talking about.
Toodles!
LMP
Friday, August 6, 2010
Underroos
I have so many things to talk about.
My visit to the yoga center that helped eliminate my worst pain that I've had for over a year, in under an hour. No.shit. (sorry about the language but it's THAT incredible.)
The Free Bryan Post seminar- one word...awesome!
But instead I am going to talk about my near mini break down in the boys underwear aisle in a certain store thats open 24 hours.
Tonight was the start of our tax free holiday weekend. For the first time ever, I decided to go in the middle of the night because it is a zoo during the day. So at midnight my mom and I headed over.
This is when I stock up on school supplies and buy the kids their new clothes. Socks, undies, bras, jeans, shoes. You name it.
So. I'm in the boys sock and underwear aisle and I'm looking through all the spidey, sponge bob, nemo, toy story, transformers underwear when I realize I can't find a size 10. The boy has been wearing an 8 and I wanted to buy the next size up. So I flip a package over and freeze.
It says they only go up to size 8.
Now, I'm hoping flo is coming for a visit or something because I got sentimental. Yep. Over the boys undies. He was 4 when he was placed with us and for some reason that I hadn't realized before, I was very careful about the underwear I chose for him. It was like something special because I was able to combine something he needed with something he liked and I had suspicions that the underwear were a BIG deal to him.
Ok, quick story...I know the underwear were a big deal to him because he had bragged about them and how the other kids were going to think they were cool and we had a conversation about under clothes being, well you know, under. He had wanted to take them for show and tell to preschool. Unfortunately, I can't remember if I let him or not. lol!
Anyway, as I stood there devastated, I started to think about how much he's grown and how stupid his egg donor is for not caring enough to make sure he was safe and taken care of and all the stuff she's missed/missing out on and I started to get teary eyed.
Yeesh. I know.
Weird-O! right?
I grabbed a package of size 8 Transformers underwear for old times sake and then I grabbed a package of the medium plain white underwear.
Yet another milestone in our home. No more little ones... a bittersweet day it is...
My visit to the yoga center that helped eliminate my worst pain that I've had for over a year, in under an hour. No.shit. (sorry about the language but it's THAT incredible.)
The Free Bryan Post seminar- one word...awesome!
But instead I am going to talk about my near mini break down in the boys underwear aisle in a certain store thats open 24 hours.
Tonight was the start of our tax free holiday weekend. For the first time ever, I decided to go in the middle of the night because it is a zoo during the day. So at midnight my mom and I headed over.
This is when I stock up on school supplies and buy the kids their new clothes. Socks, undies, bras, jeans, shoes. You name it.
So. I'm in the boys sock and underwear aisle and I'm looking through all the spidey, sponge bob, nemo, toy story, transformers underwear when I realize I can't find a size 10. The boy has been wearing an 8 and I wanted to buy the next size up. So I flip a package over and freeze.
It says they only go up to size 8.
Now, I'm hoping flo is coming for a visit or something because I got sentimental. Yep. Over the boys undies. He was 4 when he was placed with us and for some reason that I hadn't realized before, I was very careful about the underwear I chose for him. It was like something special because I was able to combine something he needed with something he liked and I had suspicions that the underwear were a BIG deal to him.
Ok, quick story...I know the underwear were a big deal to him because he had bragged about them and how the other kids were going to think they were cool and we had a conversation about under clothes being, well you know, under. He had wanted to take them for show and tell to preschool. Unfortunately, I can't remember if I let him or not. lol!
Anyway, as I stood there devastated, I started to think about how much he's grown and how stupid his egg donor is for not caring enough to make sure he was safe and taken care of and all the stuff she's missed/missing out on and I started to get teary eyed.
Yeesh. I know.
Weird-O! right?
I grabbed a package of size 8 Transformers underwear for old times sake and then I grabbed a package of the medium plain white underwear.
Yet another milestone in our home. No more little ones... a bittersweet day it is...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Free Bryan Post Seminar AUGUST 5th
Just found out about this like 10 minutes ago and wanted to pass it on.
FREE SEMINAR
https://www2.
Understanding the Stress Model 101: How this simple theortical model is transforming how we approach problem behaviors
The seminar is for the 5th at night.
Good Luck!
FREE SEMINAR
https://www2.
Understanding the Stress Model 101: How this simple theortical model is transforming how we approach problem behaviors
The seminar is for the 5th at night.
Good Luck!
Toothfairy fail!
Apparently in all my introspection, I totally forgot the boy lost a tooth yesterday. UGH!
Truth be told, I totally suck at the toothfairy position. In fairness to me, I had just retrieved a tooth the night before last, that time being Poufy who lost a tooth. I guess I was patting myself on the back for remembering just a little too soon.
When the kids first came, we did the whole under your pillow thing. But do you know how hard it is to be the toothfairy to hypervigilant kids? They are always and I mean ALWAYS at the ready. Eyes popping open at the slightest sound and nothing like a shadow of an adult hovering over the bed to send them into regression. *shaking head*
Oh and God knows whatyou're the toothfairy is sticking her hands into trying to retrieve the tooth.
And I haven't even mentioned how dense I was when it came to door alarms. They were all inside the doors. Eventually I read someone's blog that said they were installed on the outside of the door. *doh!*
So we decided it would be easier for the toothfairy to have access to all lost teeth right at the front door. That way she wasn't trying to figure out who is who and in what room, etc... and the kids wouldn't be scared out of their mind if they *happened* to see her delivering the goods, because at the front door they couldn't see her.
So up the toothfairy pillow went around the doorknob. It all seemed so foolproof...after all the toothfairy couldn't help but see the pillow hanging there, right? Especially when she checked to see if all the doors were locked at night.
So fast forward to this morning. The boy comes in and asks me if he can check the toothfairy pillow. Suddenly, I heard the sound of the front door being locked last night, except it wasn't me who locked it. It was my mother. I played dumb (which isn't hard for me to do) and started asking if the oldest had fed the dogs, pretending that he had asked me if he could give the dogs water. On and on I went ending, with "No, the dogs need more time to eat before you can give them water. Just wait in your room."
Almost always he would have just gone. But this week we've been focusing on asking for what it is you need or want instead of lying or being silent about it.
Figures.
So he looks at me like I must've gone stupid in the past 5 minutes and says: "But I asked if I could check the toothfairy pillow."
ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt!
So I quickly said "No, I told you to wait in your room."
Slick huh? lol
So he goes off- quite obviously confused. Poor kid, when he goes back to therapy he'll have to add that to the list. I can see it now.
"I dunno, *palms in the air, shoulders shrugging* she just told me to go to my room. But she told me to ask for what I wanted...and then BAM! *in a small voice* she said no."
I'm an awful mother aren't I?
As soon as he was in his room, I dashed to the front door and did the switch under the watchful gaze of my mother who just shook her head at me.
And now to figure out how to say he can check the pillow without being too obvious to the older kids.
My work is never done. :-)
Truth be told, I totally suck at the toothfairy position. In fairness to me, I had just retrieved a tooth the night before last, that time being Poufy who lost a tooth. I guess I was patting myself on the back for remembering just a little too soon.
When the kids first came, we did the whole under your pillow thing. But do you know how hard it is to be the toothfairy to hypervigilant kids? They are always and I mean ALWAYS at the ready. Eyes popping open at the slightest sound and nothing like a shadow of an adult hovering over the bed to send them into regression. *shaking head*
Oh and God knows what
And I haven't even mentioned how dense I was when it came to door alarms. They were all inside the doors. Eventually I read someone's blog that said they were installed on the outside of the door. *doh!*
So we decided it would be easier for the toothfairy to have access to all lost teeth right at the front door. That way she wasn't trying to figure out who is who and in what room, etc... and the kids wouldn't be scared out of their mind if they *happened* to see her delivering the goods, because at the front door they couldn't see her.
So up the toothfairy pillow went around the doorknob. It all seemed so foolproof...after all the toothfairy couldn't help but see the pillow hanging there, right? Especially when she checked to see if all the doors were locked at night.
So fast forward to this morning. The boy comes in and asks me if he can check the toothfairy pillow. Suddenly, I heard the sound of the front door being locked last night, except it wasn't me who locked it. It was my mother. I played dumb (which isn't hard for me to do) and started asking if the oldest had fed the dogs, pretending that he had asked me if he could give the dogs water. On and on I went ending, with "No, the dogs need more time to eat before you can give them water. Just wait in your room."
Almost always he would have just gone. But this week we've been focusing on asking for what it is you need or want instead of lying or being silent about it.
Figures.
So he looks at me like I must've gone stupid in the past 5 minutes and says: "But I asked if I could check the toothfairy pillow."
ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt!
So I quickly said "No, I told you to wait in your room."
Slick huh? lol
So he goes off- quite obviously confused. Poor kid, when he goes back to therapy he'll have to add that to the list. I can see it now.
"I dunno, *palms in the air, shoulders shrugging* she just told me to go to my room. But she told me to ask for what I wanted...and then BAM! *in a small voice* she said no."
I'm an awful mother aren't I?
As soon as he was in his room, I dashed to the front door and did the switch under the watchful gaze of my mother who just shook her head at me.
And now to figure out how to say he can check the pillow without being too obvious to the older kids.
My work is never done. :-)
Getting Back to Good...
I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself. Who I was and who I have become now are two different people. I'm not happy with who I have become. I've never been so insecure and complaisant. I've never been a quitter but in a sense, I have quit.
I have several posts in drafts that never seem to make it on here. I don't really like my writing anymore. It's rushed and jumbled just like all the other thoughts in my head. My mind has raced for as long as I can remember, but the parts where I can't remember things or form a sentence are new.
Last week, while I was out grocery shopping, my mom had a free reading of her aura done. She insisted I give it a try. I sat down and said nothing as the woman went through my reading. She showed me where the colors insisted I had strong ideas of how the world and things are supposed to be (check). She told me that I loved to love people (hmmm....). She told me I had a good heart and was a person who liked to laugh but hadn't been able to in a long time. She showed me all the black and told me it represented people who were against me and suppressing my joy and happiness. She told me I was under a huge amount of stress and asked me what was wrong with my shoulder. At the time, nothing was wrong.
I decided to confide some of my stress because in the background my mother and grandmother were arguing behind me in spanish loudly. For some reason my grandmother decided it was ok to spit anywhere now. UGH.
So my mom was disgusted (of course). I was embarrassed, but c'est la vie. I mean what can I do but clean up and apologize? Anyhow, I got that look and I realized that is part of my problem. I will never be just a mom like everyone else. Or even just a person. Even though I have aged so much in the last 4 years, I still look younger than I am. I am that poor girl with the jacked up family. I get pity stares because of my life. The woman asked if she could give me a hug and she whispered in my ear that she thinks she can help me.
I didn't feel this bad about my life when everything started. I didn't realize it was person after person who made me feel bad about my life. Made me feel like I've wasted my life. I had so much potential and this was what I was doing with it. As if this was a bad word.
It was me...past tense.
I fell into it and I fell apart. I wanted more but I gave less.
I fell into the pity party because every time I tried to pick myself up, I got kicked back down again and it started to take me longer and longer to get back up. RA was the last straw because I felt even God was kicking me when I was down.
I was always the type to keep pushing through all the crap. I had to be the best. I had to prove that I wasn't like the family I came from. All I had was my faith. I did things blindly and without question because I thought it was what God wanted of me.
Now, I am just lost. Trying to find all the pieces so I can put me back together again. That in the midst of raising 5 troubled kids, taking care of my husband, my mother and grandmother.
I'm not looking for pity. Maybe I'm not even trying to understand why anymore.
But I know something has to change, and I know that I have to make it happen.
I have several posts in drafts that never seem to make it on here. I don't really like my writing anymore. It's rushed and jumbled just like all the other thoughts in my head. My mind has raced for as long as I can remember, but the parts where I can't remember things or form a sentence are new.
Last week, while I was out grocery shopping, my mom had a free reading of her aura done. She insisted I give it a try. I sat down and said nothing as the woman went through my reading. She showed me where the colors insisted I had strong ideas of how the world and things are supposed to be (check). She told me that I loved to love people (hmmm....). She told me I had a good heart and was a person who liked to laugh but hadn't been able to in a long time. She showed me all the black and told me it represented people who were against me and suppressing my joy and happiness. She told me I was under a huge amount of stress and asked me what was wrong with my shoulder. At the time, nothing was wrong.
I decided to confide some of my stress because in the background my mother and grandmother were arguing behind me in spanish loudly. For some reason my grandmother decided it was ok to spit anywhere now. UGH.
So my mom was disgusted (of course). I was embarrassed, but c'est la vie. I mean what can I do but clean up and apologize? Anyhow, I got that look and I realized that is part of my problem. I will never be just a mom like everyone else. Or even just a person. Even though I have aged so much in the last 4 years, I still look younger than I am. I am that poor girl with the jacked up family. I get pity stares because of my life. The woman asked if she could give me a hug and she whispered in my ear that she thinks she can help me.
I didn't feel this bad about my life when everything started. I didn't realize it was person after person who made me feel bad about my life. Made me feel like I've wasted my life. I had so much potential and this was what I was doing with it. As if this was a bad word.
It was me...past tense.
I fell into it and I fell apart. I wanted more but I gave less.
I fell into the pity party because every time I tried to pick myself up, I got kicked back down again and it started to take me longer and longer to get back up. RA was the last straw because I felt even God was kicking me when I was down.
Last night and all day yesterday I had a major flare up. It was my fault. I've been in denial about the RA and wasn't taking my pills. I screwed myself. As I laid in my recliner trying to breathe, I tried to figure out what I was supposed to take from all of this. What was my lesson?
I forced myself to do things, my mom drove me so I could go grocery shopping. On the way there, the window had been down and my hair had blown across my face with one strand teasing across my forehead causing it to itch almost unbearably. I tried to make a joke of it because I was afraid to move because of the pain. My mom reached over and pushed my hair off my face. Tears sprung in my eyes. That voice told me this is what I had been reduced to and for what purpose? How was I supposed to help when I couldn't even do for myself?
I was always the type to keep pushing through all the crap. I had to be the best. I had to prove that I wasn't like the family I came from. All I had was my faith. I did things blindly and without question because I thought it was what God wanted of me.
Now, I am just lost. Trying to find all the pieces so I can put me back together again. That in the midst of raising 5 troubled kids, taking care of my husband, my mother and grandmother.
I'm not looking for pity. Maybe I'm not even trying to understand why anymore.
But I know something has to change, and I know that I have to make it happen.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Things we take for granted...
The oldest and I spent some time together this weekend. Saturday we ran over to Old Navy and took advantage of their $2 cami sale.
I've always wanted to visit this place in the mall that I call the junk shack. I don't know the real name of the shop because I'm always ogling the "junk". When I say junk, I'm talking about: candy, ice cream, sundaes, pickles, cookies, and....slushies.
I have a confession to make. I am a HUGE slushie, icee, slurpee FREAK! Seriously.
I haven't been able to go to this shop because I've been with THE GRANDMASTM (<-- My mom and my grandmother, that's what we've been calling them around here and it's sooo much easier to type. lol) and they are both diabetics or usually Hubbins and I have just left the movie theater which we've both already consumed popcorn, nachos, and/or icees during the movie.
Soooo, I jumped on the opportunity to visit the junk shop. I told the oldest whatever she wanted to get to go for it. I went directly to the slushie area and immediately chose a medium jolly rancher green apple slush, the oldest chose a sugar cone dipped in chocolate topped with a massive scoop of mint chocolate chip.
All was good in the world.
lol.
We went out to the parking lot to get in the car and I noticed she was dripping ice cream everywhere. I decided we were going to stand outside of the car and let her finish it. As I watched her eat, I realized she had no idea how to eat an ice cream cone. She was eating it like a toddler. The ice cream was dripping on all sides all over her shoes, shirt and hand. The oldest is 14 years old. I know she's had cones in the past, but I just took it for granted she knew how to eat it. So I teasingly coached her on how to eat the cone.
It's been hard to be around her lately because she's been really combative. I know the teen years. But I'm worried. She's the only child who wasn't diagnosed with RAD but only because of the answers I had given at the time of the evals. I didn't know she was lying and stealing. Back then she wanted to live here, but as an only child. I'm positive if I had known what she was doing and answered my portion of the questions to reflect that she would have been diagnosed as well.
It appears to me, based on what she tells me, that she struggles with a voice in her head and her inner self. The voice in her head keeps telling her to be against me and everything I say but her inner self keeps admitting that what I say to her is right.
Last night I talked to her about school. I've cut back on her studies considerably (all of my children) because I saw they weren't able to keep focused and were often disassociating. But I've been encouraging her to move forward. She is supposed to be a freshman in high school but she is re-doing the 6th grade in Time 4 Learning because apparently she missed that (and for those of you who remember, yes...I did pay a fortune for her to go to catholic school for 6th grade).
I told her I was worried not only because she was so far behind but despite what she thinks, there are things that I am worried she is going to miss out on that aren't academic related. I mentioned homecomings and Proms. I told her in the end they aren't really such a big deal but for her age range it's really fun.
I could've graduated as a junior in HS but I decided to stay my senior year for the activities. Sometimes, I can kick myself for that and other times I'm glad I did stay but wish I would have gone to the local JC concurrently. But hindsight and all that...
I told her about special interest clubs and all the things that could be available to her. I told her for all we knew she could end up Prom Queen or class President or none of those things.
As a parent of special needs kids, I know that there are differences and there are things that we (my kids and myself as a parent) will miss out on because of their special needs. I've never said anything to them about the things that I would miss out on, because really who cares?
But I let it slip that I had dreams of helping her pick out a prom dress or even making her one.
She looked at me and her lower lip started to tremble. She said "You would do that for me?"
That crushed me. OF COURSE I would do that for you! That's what I wanted to scream. I had already figured I would be doing that as her Aunt in the future before I became her parent, because God knows her mother wouldn't be able to for what ever reasons.
She was doing the ugly cry and almost got me going. I asked her why she was crying because I wasn't about to guess, I mean 14 and all, you know? She told me she doesn't understand after all she's done to me and the way she's been treating me lately why I still do things for her.
I asked her what she meant, and she said taking her to buy her shirts and ice cream. She said she thought about it and couldn't understand why I would still do that.
I told her just because I get upset doesn't mean that I don't love her or want to spend time with her.
To me those are little things, insignificant. $2 shirts? An ice cream cone? That's just every day life. But to her it means something.
I know I am awful about sharing my "good" feelings. It's hard for me to put myself out there when it comes to that. I'm thinking I should totally start talking about the future with them and the things I see myself doing with them as they get older if it were to come to pass. No pressure you know?
And I definitely need to open my eyes and start paying attention to those "little insignificant" things that mean a lot to them. The things that I take for granted because I didn't think they gave a damn. Now figuring out what they are...that's my next challenge.
But I'm game for it. :-)
I've always wanted to visit this place in the mall that I call the junk shack. I don't know the real name of the shop because I'm always ogling the "junk". When I say junk, I'm talking about: candy, ice cream, sundaes, pickles, cookies, and....slushies.
I have a confession to make. I am a HUGE slushie, icee, slurpee FREAK! Seriously.
I haven't been able to go to this shop because I've been with THE GRANDMASTM (<-- My mom and my grandmother, that's what we've been calling them around here and it's sooo much easier to type. lol) and they are both diabetics or usually Hubbins and I have just left the movie theater which we've both already consumed popcorn, nachos, and/or icees during the movie.
Soooo, I jumped on the opportunity to visit the junk shop. I told the oldest whatever she wanted to get to go for it. I went directly to the slushie area and immediately chose a medium jolly rancher green apple slush, the oldest chose a sugar cone dipped in chocolate topped with a massive scoop of mint chocolate chip.
All was good in the world.
lol.
We went out to the parking lot to get in the car and I noticed she was dripping ice cream everywhere. I decided we were going to stand outside of the car and let her finish it. As I watched her eat, I realized she had no idea how to eat an ice cream cone. She was eating it like a toddler. The ice cream was dripping on all sides all over her shoes, shirt and hand. The oldest is 14 years old. I know she's had cones in the past, but I just took it for granted she knew how to eat it. So I teasingly coached her on how to eat the cone.
It's been hard to be around her lately because she's been really combative. I know the teen years. But I'm worried. She's the only child who wasn't diagnosed with RAD but only because of the answers I had given at the time of the evals. I didn't know she was lying and stealing. Back then she wanted to live here, but as an only child. I'm positive if I had known what she was doing and answered my portion of the questions to reflect that she would have been diagnosed as well.
It appears to me, based on what she tells me, that she struggles with a voice in her head and her inner self. The voice in her head keeps telling her to be against me and everything I say but her inner self keeps admitting that what I say to her is right.
Last night I talked to her about school. I've cut back on her studies considerably (all of my children) because I saw they weren't able to keep focused and were often disassociating. But I've been encouraging her to move forward. She is supposed to be a freshman in high school but she is re-doing the 6th grade in Time 4 Learning because apparently she missed that (and for those of you who remember, yes...I did pay a fortune for her to go to catholic school for 6th grade).
I told her I was worried not only because she was so far behind but despite what she thinks, there are things that I am worried she is going to miss out on that aren't academic related. I mentioned homecomings and Proms. I told her in the end they aren't really such a big deal but for her age range it's really fun.
I could've graduated as a junior in HS but I decided to stay my senior year for the activities. Sometimes, I can kick myself for that and other times I'm glad I did stay but wish I would have gone to the local JC concurrently. But hindsight and all that...
I told her about special interest clubs and all the things that could be available to her. I told her for all we knew she could end up Prom Queen or class President or none of those things.
As a parent of special needs kids, I know that there are differences and there are things that we (my kids and myself as a parent) will miss out on because of their special needs. I've never said anything to them about the things that I would miss out on, because really who cares?
But I let it slip that I had dreams of helping her pick out a prom dress or even making her one.
She looked at me and her lower lip started to tremble. She said "You would do that for me?"
That crushed me. OF COURSE I would do that for you! That's what I wanted to scream. I had already figured I would be doing that as her Aunt in the future before I became her parent, because God knows her mother wouldn't be able to for what ever reasons.
She was doing the ugly cry and almost got me going. I asked her why she was crying because I wasn't about to guess, I mean 14 and all, you know? She told me she doesn't understand after all she's done to me and the way she's been treating me lately why I still do things for her.
I asked her what she meant, and she said taking her to buy her shirts and ice cream. She said she thought about it and couldn't understand why I would still do that.
I told her just because I get upset doesn't mean that I don't love her or want to spend time with her.
To me those are little things, insignificant. $2 shirts? An ice cream cone? That's just every day life. But to her it means something.
I know I am awful about sharing my "good" feelings. It's hard for me to put myself out there when it comes to that. I'm thinking I should totally start talking about the future with them and the things I see myself doing with them as they get older if it were to come to pass. No pressure you know?
And I definitely need to open my eyes and start paying attention to those "little insignificant" things that mean a lot to them. The things that I take for granted because I didn't think they gave a damn. Now figuring out what they are...that's my next challenge.
But I'm game for it. :-)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturdays with Scrawnie or, um Sunday
Here I am, Meow to everyone!
I was very busy this Caturday. Mom was gone alllllllll day. So I got to do a lot of this:
and this:
on Mom's bed.Hehe.
Mom went to the pet store today and she didn't take the dogs with her. Ugh! Instead she came back smelling like.... are you ready for this?
KITTEN!
Double UGH!
I thought I lost a life when Mom told Dad she signed up to be a Foster Mama for baby kittens. But she told Dad she was kidding... I'm worried she's not. Hmmm...
Can you imagine all those little brats running around- Meow this and Meow that, I'd never get any mom time. They'd probably eat all my food, use my box and break allllll my toys. It's bad enough my sister Purries follows me everywhere and watches me do everything. Mom says she looks up to me, but I think she's spying on me. I don't even want to talk about my sister Smudge. She's always trying to attack me for NO reason whatsoever.
Mom, if you read this, NO MORE KITTEHS!
That is all. Meow you later!
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