If that's not how a mind#$%^ works...

then please explain to me how it does?

Yesterday I told the therapist I wanted to talk to her about something but not in front of the kids.

I wanted to talk to her about ending therapy because over the last month the kids haven't seemed into it and they seem restless, especially now with the short change in them. I tried to explain to her how I feel like they are reaching out to us and like they just really need us more. Before it was like they hated us and were forced to live with us or something but since the change they want hugs and they want us around and to do things with us.

I've been feeling awful because I feel like I am not home enough. We are not together as a family enough and I can't even get in the appointments that they need or Hubs needs on top of that. I know I've mentioned here that I thought we needed some real bonding time.

When I told the therapist this, she told me that I am with them all the time moreso than someone who works outside the home, but the truth is, I'm not. Yes, we will still have doctors appointments and all those other appointments and I can't explain to her how her 6 hours a week actually take up almost 10 hours, what with driving. It segments up the day to where we are ALL running around.

I tried to keep most of the blame on me because I felt the kids were being honest when they said they liked it at her place because of the toys and snacks but they wanted to do other things with other kids and with us.

I didn't know if it was safe to let the therapist know all that they said. I guess what it boils down to is they feel that she is asking questions of them that she should be asking me and they don't like how she treats them when they tell her they don't know and she tells them they do and they are just saying that as an excuse.

It kinda hit the fan and I hated to do it but I had to put Poufy on the spot yesterday. She went in for her time after I had talked to the therapist and when she came out she looked weird. I asked her what was up and she told me she felt weird but she wouldn't tell me why. I asked her if the therapist had talked to her about not coming back to therapy and she told me no. So, I thought since it was just her and I,I would bring up the subject and see how she really felt. She told me she liked coming to therapy but she wanted to do other things. To me that was telling me she didn't want to be there.

When we were getting ready to leave, the therapist told me that Poufy indicated that she didn't want to stop coming. This puzzled me because I had JUST asked her. I told Poufy she didn't need to be afraid but she did have to tell the truth about what she wanted. Well she told her what she wanted and then some. The therapist seemed flustered and said "Well, they are liars, they lie all the time." I shrugged my shoulders because well, what am I going to do or say.

I'm telling the therapist the truth, why would *I* lie? I'm an adult, don't I make my own decisions?

Anyway, when I was talking to the therapist in the room about stopping therapy she was all over the map with reasons why not and how she wasn't going to take them back and the sacrifice she made by bringing so many on and how she never does that. I wasn't committing to anything because I hadn't spoken to the kids about it. I was just getting hints here and there from them and I wanted to give the therapist a heads up. I actually thought two of the kids did want to continue seeing her. But when I asked them last night none of them want to go back.

At the end of our conversation, she did the weirdest thing, at first I was confused but then I started to get angry. I guess she wasn't happy because I wasn't giving her an answer or something so she decided to threaten me, at least that's how I believe it to be.

She was talking about something that I can't remember exactly because what followed was crazy. She went from saying that she didn't agree with me threatening the kids and that she would never threaten a kid but she went along to support me. This doesn't even make sense. I told her it wasn't a threat, it was truly the end of the rope. Plus, I don't see how she went along with it because it's something that just happened at the dinner table that other night. It wasn't a plan. It was IT. I didn't tell her I was going to do that because I didn't even know I was going to do that.

She said something about being a "pissed off mom" I totally agreed with her it's not what I want to be at all. But then she goes on to say that I would be surprised just how much the kids tell her about what goes on at home. I was about to say I wouldn't because I know they tell everyone everything. That's one of the things they are supposed to work on boundaries and what's appropriate and what's not. But she was talking so quickly I couldn't get that in, she went on to say that her place was a safe place where they could say anything and she wouldn't and hadn't reported it.

I was nodding my head and I stopped there because I was confused by the hadn't part. I mean what was she talking about? I guess I stopped there because she also got this smirk on her face.

I was wondering what exactly because if she feels she needs to report me for cussing, spanking or making them pull weeds to earn money for the things they break than feel free. I mean, isn't that her job to report me if she thinks I am doing something wrong? Isn't that a total threat? Or at least meant to be?

I blew it off because if she wants to report me for the stuff above, then she's got a ton of work ahead of her what with all I see around me. I'm not saying the things I do is right. Cussing is a thing I work on everyday, I confess it as one of my sins and I am not proud of it. I cuss when I hurt myself or get mad and I'm cussing about something not *at* someone or even directly at the kids. I've even talked to the kids about it and told them never to start and that it's not ladylike or intelligent and a bad habit to break. I didn't start until I was in my 20s and I was trying to get my family to hear me. It seemed the only way they knew how to communicate. Unfortunately it stuck as a way to relieve stress, yet it doesn't make me feel better about myself.

Spanking I do not like to do. I haven't spanked anyone in this house for almost two months. It doesn't just hurt the child. It hurts me and probably does more harm to my hand than there bottoms. For some reason the veins or something in my hand burst. It's never happened when I've spanked the kids but I'm always afraid it will. I was just walking through the kitchen the first time it happened. I feel this pressure and than my finger swells and turns purple. I don't know what causes it but I've googled it and apparently it happens to some people.

Them earning back the money (from us) to pay for the things they have broken. I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm not talking about a glass or anything. Pulling weeds from the side of the house to pay for a dishwasher or a faucet or something. C'mon, there aren't enough weeds in the backyard to cover that. You know? When the weeds are gone the debt is paid. I've seen it gives them a sense of accomplishment and even pride. They earned something.

At any rate, I guess I'm stupid because my first inclination was to get up and leave as in that is the final threat that broke the camels back.

The other thing she said about them being liars is that she thought one thing about Poufy and her "drastic weight loss" (it was a freakin' pound!) and then it was all resolved with her condition and than she said they were liars and looked at me like she wasn't sure about the whole family or something. I could be reading into that because of the treatment we were given. She usually gives them crackers and juice and when Poufy started to ask if they were getting any she shook her head, rolled her eyes and cut her off and opened the door and said c'mon. Sent us all on our way, I guess. lol

But still I told her I would speak to the kids because this is really about the kids not me. It's either for their benefit or detriment. Today I go in to tell her what the vote was. See what she throws at me now.