Ding Dong Mom

This post will be nothing like what you might be imagining. lol

When I was a kid, I used to want to take a lunch box to school instead of eating hot lunch. I actually went to an elementary school where the hot lunch was delicious almost always.  The kitchen was ran by Hispanic women who made things like they would at home, they also served things like they would at home. lol

Anyhow, the reason why I am bringing this up is because I start school tomorrow (one of them anyway) and I've been wondering what kind of Mom I am going to morph into next. By that, I mean, I have been working 45+ hour weeks since the kids were placed here but I've been working from home.  In their eyes I AM a stay home mom.

I worry since I will be taking a full load at two schools and still continue to work at home that my Mama Points TM  will go further down. I worry about maintaining my health and limiting my fatigue.  I already know that I am the tough one. I'm the one that rides them and pushes them to do their best and most of the time I'm the one whose all business, while Hubbins is the movies and games parent especially since I got sick. Most of my energy goes into making sure everything runs around here.

I try to do things in my own way. Things that aren't too mushy or obvious because let's face it, I still fear regression and meltdowns and even though that doesn't happen as often, my kids are still their own worst enemy when it comes to sabotaging themselves.

So back to the lunch from home. When I was younger, I used to see the majority of the kids who brought home lunch had this familiar foil wrapped hockey puck like object in their lunch boxes. It was a little chocolate cake with filling inside and it was called  a ding dong. I had actually never had one, but what touched me was the fact that I believed their mother's made and wrapped these little cakes for them. I wanted a mother who would do that for me. So I begged and begged for lunch from home. When I finally was sent to school with my lunch, I was disappointed to see that I did not have that little foil wrapped gift in my box. I figured it was because it was my grandmother and not my mother who took care of me. I knew the lunch was packed with my grandmother's love but it wasn't the same.

It stuck with me. It stuck with me until the day I bought my own box of ding dongs and opened them to find they were already wrapped in foil and no one's mom was doing them any favors. lol!

But that feeling I had, that those kids mother's cared so much for them. That's how I want my kids to feel. I don't want them to feel anything less because I'm not their "mom" and I'm their Aunt.  I want to find the foil wrapped little cake that makes them feel they are loved by a mother.  That they are no less then anyone else.

I've been trying to find that but I guess I will never know until later when they come back as adults and share their stories.  I don't want my life to interfere with theirs. I want it to be something they can be proud of and be part of.  I am going back to school for all of us.  To try to make a better life for us all. To keep my health so that I can accomplish it all. But I hope it's not at their expense and I will do everything that I can to keep things running as smoothly as I can.

A mother's self-imposed guilt is a strong thing, isn't it? 

Forgive me...

I keep forgetting to take pics of the girl's room when they are awake!

Actually in all fairness, if they are awake, they are either doing chores or homeschool at this point in the game. Which means that I am there with them telling them/showing them how to do something or another.

I need to pull out my camera too. Have it handy so I'll remember. So many things I could be taking pictures of... like, out here in NM it is green chili season. When you walk outside or go anywhere the smell of green chili's roasting is in the air. It smells so good. We bought two 30 pound bags of medium hot this year (mild was already sold out) and my mom bought one bag of medium hot and one of hot. Peeling the chili is a lot of work but we separate it out into bags and freeze it, that way we have chili year round. It is so yummy. The chili this year is HOT HOT HOT!

I still have no word from the treatment center about CDQ, so I will just leave it at that.

I'm gearing up for some big changes next week. I'm starting to feel a little intimidated and that little voice inside of me keeps saying "Who in the hell do you think you are?" I just push it out of my mind. The old me wouldn't even think twice about what I am about to do- the voice would still be there... but the new me is worried about pain and flare ups and fibro fog and just plain fatigue.

You see, I applied to acupuncture school to become a Doctor of Oriental Medicine and I was accepted!

It's a three year accelerated program. I start the day after labor day and it will be intense.  Because it's an accelerated program my schedule will consist of around 24 credits/units a semester, plus clinic every week. to add to the matter, they've made an exception for me and are allowing me to take some classes at the community college concurrently. So I will be taking 11 units at the community college a few nights a week and on Saturdays- Anatomy and Physiology and lab, Biology for Health Science and lab, and Medical Terminology. After the three years are done, I will do another three years as a resident.

I will still continue to homeschool the kids and take care of Hubbins. I wish I could say my mother has been a big help, but I can't. I've really tried not to blog about all that but the reality is I didn't make things any better by moving her here to "help".

I'm trying to focus on the positives, I will be able to put my money where my mouth is. Only the oldest has seen me at work while I was earning my undergraduate degrees. My other kids only hear me tell them about what it will be like for them in college. Now I can SHOW them what it will be like and if I can do it with all these obstacles they most certainly can do it too.

I know when I was raising my step-sister's kids, we all sat around the kitchen table and did our homework together. I really thought they would make it to college. I thought I had instilled in them enough to make them want more, but I didn't have a long enough span of time with them to make it happen. They succumbed to toxic family cycles. :-(  They were much younger than my children. I really have to step it up so my kids will know that anything is possible.

I find they get discouraged because they are behind. They have a lot of holes that need filling and it is NOT their fault. But I don't feel like I am helping them if I were to let them skim over like they would in public/private school. The truth of the matter is my kids are super smart. They are still young enough to pick up on things rather quickly. My problem is they want to speed through it and end up making little mistakes that drive me crazy.   And that is what is slowing them down some, but we do have RAD surfacing, a lot of mute stares, head shaking because of course they know it ALL and just a lot of fear of vulnerability and looking stupid.  I don't know if I've just become accustomed to it, but I really think that stuff is starting to slip away. Don't get me wrong, I totally yank my hair out...but the tears (their's not me. lol) are getting less and I am able to slip in some encouragement (when they have turned to leave and are halfway out the door) and not have the raging backlashes.

Things can only get better, that's what I keep telling myself.

Road Trip

WHOA~! I can't believe I forgot to come back and finish this! I thought I had posted it. So here it goes.
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I did it. I got on a plane to Seattle and drove the shuttle bus back all by myself. I got in early on the third morning gone, second day driving.  I flew from here to Arizona and then from Arizona to Seattle, Washington then I drove through Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Utah, Colorado and back home. It was scary and awesome at the same time.

I had never been away from Hubbins that far or that long and the kiddos, they had respite in the past but I hadn't been that far either. So again, awesome and scary at the same time.

I stopped a lot along the way but I wish I would have taken more pictures. Washington and Oregon were beautiful. I liked Utah until I got to the 15. I hated it so bad I pulled over and found myself at an Ikea. Having never been to Ikea, I thought I'd pop in for a break and then take off after my nerves were settled.

Three hours later, I was cranky and I hurt and I hated Ikea. It was like a lying maze that I couldn't find my way out of even though I was taking the "short cut" to the exit. The pics of my swollen ankles were taken before Ikea, I actually had a flap of skin hanging over the side of my ankle and shoe after Ikea.

All things considered, it was a great trip. I wish I would have taken more pictures. I decided not to post pics of the shuttle because it's a pretty unique one. But just picture a hotel shuttle bus and you will know what a massive vehicle I was driving. I'm telling you. I went from driving a Mustang, to a mini-van to a 12 passenger van to a shuttle bus!

Life is crazy like that. lol 

So many changes...

NEWS, NeWs, news!

I have news for you all but I have been out of my mind busy.

I recently realized I never posted the post about my SOLO ROAD TRIP last month. I had problems uploading pictures and then totally forgot. Oopsies!

I have the girls bedroom update- PEOPLE- I put together THREE loft beds and 4 rolling chairs. May not seem like a big deal but remember my Rheumatoid Arthritis?  To hell with you RA! (*fist shaking in air* because yes, I can make a fist again! whoo hoo!)

Which I need to post about my pain-free fingers now....SQUEE!!!  All I have left are weak wrists and ankles...

Big news on what will consume me for the next several years!

AND homeschooling stuff to share...we are easing into it...but lots of cool stuff.

Lastly, taking control of my home again, it is so nice to look around and see my house turning back into a home and not some place that looks like things were dumped and ransacked through. Which reminds me, I was streaming Hoarders on Netflix last week (yes, while I was cleaning- such a motivator. lol!) and there was an episode with a single adoptive father who was raising a child with RAD.  I looked at his house and I just felt so sad for him and the sibling who were living amongst it. There truly wasn't any understanding from the people around him- family/friends, etc... I was shocked that they were shocked about the pee. LOL! At first I wasn't certain that he was a hoarder and that it had more to do with the child's condition...I'm still left a little uncertain but it was such a clear reminder of our past. It definitely hit home.

Many things are changing around here... It seems for the better. Am I sad that CDQ couldn't be a part of it? Yes. Do I understand that these changes are possible because she's not here. yes. Unlike their bio mother who had no problem forgetting the child that was murdered, I still say I have 5 children and I guess I always will.

I expect to hear something from the treatment center regarding CDQ's situation next week.

So, I will be popping in here and there and trying to get as much as I can in. Our lives will change in just two short weeks. It's exciting and it's scary and it's the change we so desperately need.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Happy Sunday!

The words that made me feel better...

The same day I met with the people at the treatment center, I was delivered a punch to the gut when I walked through the door and Hubbins told me that a law office had called for me asking for my step-father.

Huh?

I have had no contact with him whatsoever since the late 90's and how the hell would he get my phone number? It was court ordered that under no circumstances was my phone number to be released to anybody in that family.

Now sit down for this one...

I called the law office back and I asked them how my name was associated with his. They pulled up their records and this mf'er listed me as a relative. 


I was so shocked, I told the woman on the phone that I was not a relative but the step-daughter he molested. I heard a gasp. The woman told me she needed to speak to the attorney and would be right back. When she came back on the line she apologized over and over again and told me they had never encountered such a thing or even heard of such a thing.  I told her I was shocked that he would have the audacity to do that and I had no idea how he had my phone number. She advised me to change my number and told me I was handling the whole thing a lot better that she would.

I told her I was surprised but kind of not considering he's a drug addict and she said "You know, once a piece of shit, always a piece of shit."

People have offered up sympathy which always makes me feel bad. I don't know why, maybe it's the pity part... but her words, they actually touched me. I felt a warmth and just a feeling of validation. I felt this odd sense of peace and I exhaled. The anxiety I felt during the call melted away.

She helped me more than she will ever even know. 

"The Only Safe Place"

A couple of nights ago, I almost became a puddle of tears in front of the oldest. I had to go to the bathroom because I didn't want the oldest to see.

We were in my bedroom and out of no where the oldest said that she only wants to see her bio mom to get the ashes of her little sister back if her bio mother hasn't lost them by then. I was surprised she was even thinking of her.

She told me that she's thought and thought about it and she wants to know if she gets B's ashes back if she (B's ashes) can stay here.  She said "It's the only safe place I can think of where we will all be coming back to. I mean, it might not be this house by then but, home- where ever it is, you know? I know she'll be safe with you guys."

$%^&, I'm about to cry now.

Those are two huge things. Two very ginormous things.

I told her of course she could leave B's ashes here.

OMGosh!, I don't think you even need to be a RAD mom to know just how huge this is. I don't know if the oldest discussed it with the other kids but they've definitely talked about coming back here for the holidays. At 15, the oldest has taken on a lot and is slowly breaking away from being the voice for all of them but she still speaks for them when it comes to important things.

Not to belittle the situation but I've always dreamed of having that "normal" family where the kids come home for the holidays (well, mostly before they start with their own families and stuff.) and just having that place that my kids know they can always come to and find comfort and good times.  I had wanted to create that with my mother and sisters but they didn't want it.

B's ashes.... such an honor and so huge, even if it never comes to pass. 

Pressing on...

Things are going as well as can be expected.

My kids are double excited because of all the new homeschool changes and curriculum that they are seeing pop up around the house.  It's crazy because I remember posting the alphabet and number charts, vowels and consonant charts, and then cursive charts and noun charts and parts of speech, etc... and now I'm posting human anatomy charts, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights charts and geometry charts. I was excited and a little sad myself...my babies aren't babies anymore.  I mean, I know this, right? I see it every day but it's things like that which hit me the hardest.

They are already talking about college! Believe me it isn't a complaint and I'm not taking it for granted. We've ALL worked hard. I know I'm lucky. They don't want to leave home but say they know they need to leave for college and of course, I just hinted that in our state there is a student lottery which will pay for their bachelors degree as long as they keep a certain GPA AND, you know if they were still in school and stuff and they were doing well, like, um...they could still stay at home. Ah hem....*blush*

Poufy cracks me up. I was putting together her loft bed and I had just hung up the new posters. She came in and sat down next to me on the floor and she said "I am so excited for homeschool this year. I was excited before with the stuff on the shelf, but when I saw the poster of Presidents, I just knew this was going to be a fun year. I can feel it in my bones!" This said with her hair poufed to the ceiling (it was drying from her shower) and her eyes extra wide behind her glasses.

Which reminds me... they all have new glasses. Not to make this a PSA but women, please take care of yourself and do the prenatal things. My kiddos are losing their eyesight and they are so young. Every year it's a pretty big jump. I've got two that definitely can NOT see without glasses. In fact, with Poufy this time around they couldn't find a setting to help her see clearly. It was just good enough so she can see.  I've been told that there's nothing that can be done about it and hopefully technology will advance before she loses all her sight and there will be a surgery for her. :-(  I hope this happens, I hope there will be a surgery. She wants to be a scientist and study insects at this point in her life, she's been pretty steady with that for the past few years.

The girl's room is almost ready to go.  We bought them loft beds with desks underneath. I've put one together fully, I need to install the second desk on the other and today we should get the third desk via Fed Ex. The oldest said she's excited because she finally feels like they are moving forward.

I've been working diligently on erasing all the reminders of the past. I've replaced one of the two refrigerators that CDQ broke, both the front and back door to the house that CDQ broke and we filled in all the holes she made. We still have to work on the computer she broke and the boy's room which was the last room she stayed in. I'll be buying the paint for his room in the next day or so.  We've also replaced the bedroom door she broke and I still need to buy doorknobs for the bathroom and both of the bedrooms which she also broke. It was eyeopening because I had always treated them as a collective when I talked to them about the things they broke around the house but in fact, what the rest had done was minimal considering the overall damage CDQ had done.

I had a meeting this week with the treatment center. The insurance feels that they have done their job because CDQ is no longer suicidal or wanting to kill others (of course, she's not at home), the treatment center feels that CDQ cannot come home because she hasn't changed. She's traumatized children at the center. The youngest, a four year old girl. They told me that she does have all the markers for antisocial personality disorder (sociopath) and that sadly they don't see that ever changing.  They told me they could keep her there for a month free but it would do no good, there would be no change. They told me I could send her to TFC where they would make sure that she was placed as an only child with no animals and highly skilled parents but even then, that would be for a year tops. They said even if it was just Hubbins and I and cameras and intercoms and door alarms we wouldn't be able to do it. We'd have to have cameras in the bathrooms and showers even because she's become an expert at making allegations towards others.

They are worried about what she would do to the family if she came back and are sort of recommending (because they can't tell us what to do) she never come back, which brought us to being charged with abandonment. It's the only way to keep everyone safe. I feel like this needs to change, I don't know what I am going to do about it but we can't keep getting charged with these things (as I know other adoptive parents have) because of our children having severe mental issues while their biological parents are free with all THEIR rights intact. So in the next couple of weeks we will be meeting with CYFD so that we can ask any questions and make an informed "decision".    If you ask me, CDQ already made the decision.

I'm in a weird place, I'm not angry and I'm not sad anymore. I've given this to God and I feel like I can't be angry or sad. I feel like my heart has mostly stepped out of this and my brain has taken over. I NEED to protect my other children and yes, CDQ doesn't realize what she's done and she is a disturbed child but I've literally done all I can do. Maybe if she were the only consideration I would continue to run myself down. But she's not. I've seen first hand what happens to the others when the mother tends to the one child, and the outcome is not good and nothing changes with that child in the end but the other children are left broken and needy. I have a chance to do right by the other four, I can't let them down.