It's all about finding the right technique...

but which is it?

I would say that SS is my most sensitive child. She takes everything to heart and she cares so deeply, it worries me.

She's also probably the child who is the most attached to me.

Lately, she's been especially clingy. Hugging me so hard it feels like she is trying to break me or worried if she doesn't hold on tight enough I will vanish.

Even more recent, she has been been grabbing my hand and bursting into tears and then throwing herself in a big hard hug around me.

It started about a month ago.  She was helping the oldest bring in the poop-a-loops (dogs) and she lost her footing on air ( did I mention she is also very awkward and clumsy as she is quickly approaching the age of 11?) and fell flat. I asked her if she was ok and she quickly popped up from the floor and she rubbed her knee, shaking her head yes, she was fine and started to head out the door. I was at my computer and was swiveling in my chair to face back towards the computer when out of nowhere she appeared with her arms around my neck sobbing.

I thought something was physically wrong. I asked her where it hurt and all she could do was heave and sob. I was really worried because I couldn't understand how she could have hurt herself so bad. She didn't fall on anything or trip, it was a clear floor and a straight shot down. I started to think maybe she was embarrassed.

That's when the oldest came in with the two younger poopers. (I call the dogs what ever comes to mind at any given moment. Mainly poopers... but I digress) she told me that she knew what was wrong with SS, I asked her to tell me. She told me that SS confided to her earlier when they were looking for the older dog out in the yard that she was having bad dreams.

When I asked SS about it, she couldn't tell me about her dreams at first, she was crying that hard.  I asked her if she was seeing babies in the hallway again. She said yes and that she was seeing people in our house too.  I told her I had noticed that she was awake a lot around 2-3 am.  She said she was waking up and couldn't go back to sleep. She finally told me she had dreamt that we were all in the car but she fell out and she had to go to this hotel but a lot of people had died there and there was blood every where in puddles and dripping. I stopped her there because she was crying and it was bedtime, I was worried when she went to bed it might pick up where she left off again.

I  asked her if she remembered J from the videos about tapping. She said she did. I told her that J called all those bad, weird or scary feelings (probably not exactly accurate, but I was put on the spot. lol) Yuckies.  I also told her that she took an imaginary balloon of any color she wished and J, with the help of her mom ( Lisa, of course!) would blow all those bad things into the balloon and then let it go up, up into the sky until she couldn't see it anymore. I told her she could just send them straight up there to disappear or she could even send them to God to sort out for her if she thought they needed sorting.

Then I told her about Torina's boys and how right before bed, they think about the things they want to dream about.  At first, she was confused.  I told her it could be anything. You can imagine dreaming about eating the biggest ice cream sundae ever or riding a beautiful horse. Anything you can imagine. Then she was excited.

Lastly, I addressed the hallucinations. She had them before and the meds she was on made them stop.  The insurance company decided they were going to go generic and those didn't work. They sent me a letter that explained how name brand doesn't mean better and they were denying my appeal for the meds that were working. I wanted to write to them and tell them I didn't give a flying you know what if it was brand name or whatever just as long as it helped my child. But in the long run, I decided drugs weren't the answer for my kids. I think they were just masking all the things that are still bottled up inside them.

Anyhow, I asked her about the people and the babies. What they do. She said they just walk around. I asked her if she ever talked to them. Her reaction was priceless. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" was her reply in the most are you out of YOUR freaking mind attitude. lol!

I asked her why not. She was silent. I asked her if it bothered her that they were around. She nodded they did. I told her "Why don't you just tell them. Maybe they don't know they are scaring you or bothering you?  Maybe if they knew they would go because they don't want you to feel that way."

She looked skeptical when I told her she just needed to level with them. "Just let them know... hey, this is my house and you are bothering me. Please leave." She giggled nervously.  I told her she would never know unless she told them.

This happened at bedtime, I sent her off to bed. The next morning she was all grins and hugs. She did it! She blew up her bubbles and sent her yuckies in the sky and it worked. But she didn't dream about what she had wanted to.  Not bad dreams but not what she thought she was going to. She was really happy that day.

A week or so later around lunch time she told me that she had seen the people walking around and had just told them to go. She was thrilled to report that they actually DID go (who knew?) and hadn't been back.  (phew!)

Fast forward to the middle of last week, it was morning and she was a mess. She had decided she wanted to dream about horses except in her dream the horses ended up turning on her and their hooves were smashing her.

This time I tried to introduce the concept of controlling your own dreams. I told her it's hard at first and there's no guarantee that you can do it or will always be able to do it, it weird like that. But I suggested she try to change the dream. Make it to where right before something was changing into something she didn't like-- she could try to control  it and say no, it's going to go this way. I also told her that when she can't control it in the dream or can't seem to wake herself up, to tell herself in the dream that it was all just a dream and couldn't hurt her.

I don't know what she dreamed about in the following days but she was helping me prepare dinner and with a sly smile she told she actually changed a dream.  She was thrilled like it was her little secret.

Then yesterday, I was sitting next to her at dinner and again, she broke into tears, sobbing and unable to speak as she clung to me. She said she was having bad dreams. Everyone was looking at her. The kids were offering up suggestions. I said in a low voice, "is it about stuff that's happened in the past?", she shook her head yes. I was wishing I was going to be off the mark so badly with that guess.  I just held her until she was somewhat composed. The other kids were eagerly looking at her. I said loud enough for everyone to hear that I would talk to her about it tomorrow.  She took a deep breath and sat back in her chair shaking her head in agreement.  I could see she was relieved that I wasn't going to make it a dinner discussion.

So today (Feb, 13... since Lord only knows if and when I will finish this post and publish it--I have so many outdated drafts) , I was supposed to talk to her but instead, I am trying out a journal with her. I will probably make one for all the kids. I was thinking it may be a way for me to connect personally with all the kids since there are so many and so little time. I'm ashamed to say I don't even know basic things like favorite colors, or food...with five kids and caring for Hubbins,  it changes so often and quickly I can't keep up.  I noticed with SS, that she has a hard time telling me things and looking at me when she does. I pulled out a spiral notebook with lined paper and she choose a colored pen. I told her that she could always talk to me but I thought it might be easier for her to write things down for me to read instead, on her own time, when she's ready.  It would just be between us, no one else would read it. We could just write to each other. Again, I reminded her that I was open to talk to her anytime and that I thought this might be easier. I was trying to reassure her that I wasn't brushing her off or didn't care about what she had to say. As you can see I am still on the fence about the whole thing, but she smiled and scooped up that notebook and hugged it close to her chest like it was a stuffed animal.

We'll see how it goes. Each step is like a shot in the dark isn't it?...hit or miss... still I can say with certainty that I think my kids will progress better this way then if I were to bring a therapist into the mix.                        I worry about being wrong, but my gut is telling me bringing a stranger in will put us back at square one.

Rolling with the punches...

Sometimes, I wondered if I was in denial because my kids seemed to be adjusting well and slowly but surely progressing. But I noticed a lot of our kids are doing that these days. ;-)

I wondered if I was turning a blind eye and missing those silent cues that may be darting around from each of the children. It was the calm before the storm.

We are still dealing with sexual abuse in our home.

Today it tore me apart to have to tell CDQ that one of her beliefs, something that she believed so strongly was just a dream. As she shuddered and cried and pushed the words out, I knew it wasn't true. My heart ached because I knew just as certain as I was that it wasn't true she was certain it had happened. I wanted to hold her and comfort her but I knew even if I simply touched her shoulder she may shut down.

CDQ believed she was raped in our house.  She told her story of how the oldest knew and told her just not to say anything and how I had caught the people, but did nothing but ran into her bedroom with her and shut the door. How I had reassured her that I would never let anyone do that or hurt her again.

She was so certain that people have been in our home and that we allowed it.

Never.

Quite honestly, I believe it was a culmination of my mother coming and all the abuse she has endured. I can see bits and pieces of where her dream came together.  She was so terrified. For her this dream has continued since she moved here. It's weaved it's way into her mind, usually when she doesn't expect and it feels so real she has been scared to death.

It's why she runs in fear when she is outside and is so afraid to be outside. She never said anything to me before because in her mind from the dream, I already knew and did nothing. That breaks my heart.  I told her that would never be true.

I was so scared to tell her it was a dream, her first reaction was anger, she was adamant it was real.  I wasn't the only one in her dreams. The oldest was too.  The oldest came in the room and she had no idea what CDQ was talking about either.  It was plain to see the whole ordeal of reliving what she thought to be true for so long and telling us "yes, you remember! You did this and and you said this and you were wearing this and..."

Hard doesn't even begin to describe it. She hadn't slept in so long, just patches here and there. They all have dark circles under their eyes. I explained to her how sometimes lack of sleep will play tricks on your mind (don't I know it!). I told her some of the things that I have experienced and she could relate.

After about an hour and seeing the wheels turn in her head, she was realizing that it was a dream, she was able to see how some of the things that were real intertwined with some of the things that didn't make sense.

Our house is secure. The windows have locks that are built in, the kids rooms have door alarms, we have video and we have baby monitors in each room. The stuff she was describing could very well have happened to her but not here.

I hope I am not coming off as defensive.  If my voice could come through the screen you would hear relief that these things about our home are indeed facts. I couldn't live with myself if I failed to protect them. Another thing, most nights I don't get to bed until 4 am since I am an insomniac.  I constantly check the kids on the video, I have it hooked up to my old school 52 inch big screen. I check to see if they are having bad dreams, if they are sneaking around in their rooms. I don't just have to keep my kids safe from the outside world but from each other.

I know all these things are not foolproof but it would be pretty hard to get something so huge past us like that with all that is in place.

CDQ went back to her room, solid...she wasn't crying or shaking anymore.  She actually fell asleep and slept until dinner time. Considering the conversation ended around noon and we had a late dinner at 7pm, that is awesome.  She was almost like a different child. She was more relaxed and we were even able to joke with her without her losing it.  BTW, I've checked on them twice in the span of writing this post and CDQ is sleeping like a log. phew. I was so worried her long "nap" was going to keep her up all night.  She didn't eat like a little rat with her food held up to her face the whole time either and she requested two more taquitos even though she had already eaten 3 and most of everything else on her plate ( 3 are my limit, I feel like I am going to bust if I eat more than that. lol).

I hurt so bad for her to have felt so scared and lonely and who knows what else all this time and to think that I was ok with it and just didn't care.  No wonder she is so hateful to everyone here.

Even though no one knows it and I might act like a total ass sometimes in response to their behavior towards me, I would die for these kids.  In a sense, I feel a part of me is slowly dying for them already. All my dreams, ambitions, and plans for a family of our own, all those things I was working towards before the kids, they are all becoming something so unattainable that it physically hurts sometimes.  I don't know how to make all that matter any less but I think my actions show in the end which really matters/mattered more.