Little Miracles and a rant...

So Black Friday morning I had big plans to rush out at the butt crack of dawn and get my paws on jackets, pjs and clothes. Not much toys on the list. Just the necessities since that was what seemed to be the jackpot in sales for my family.

However, it didn't happen. Hubbins' spasms started up and would not stop. There was no way I was leaving him with all the kiddos. So I was a little down about missing out on what would have saved us a ton.

Then Flo came to town and even though that bitch she was visiting, I was coping pretty well.

See, Hubbins' body has a way of knowing when to sabotage something. I know that sounds like an awful thing to say. I don't blame Hubbins at all or anything like that but his body is known for it's uncooperative spirit, especially around holidays. Poor guy is almost always in pain. I hate it. I hate feeling so helpless.

Anyhow, of course, his spasms stopped around 8 am or so. We went about our day and at around 4 pm, I decided that maybe I would go see what I could dig up if anything.

The first store I went to had nothing. The next I scored some awesome clearance shoes the kids are going to love. They were $5 and it was a buy one get one 50% off sale including clearance. Sweet!

I decided to trudge over to THE store. You know the one with the W? Instead of going to the one by our house, I went to the one down the hill. I walked around that store at least 10 times. I saw one of the few toy sale items in the middle areas and I realized that there were still some things to be found.

I needed three jackets at the very least. My other two have new jackets already. These were the $35 and $45 jackets for $15. I looked through baskets that were left behind, stacks of crap every where and in the middle of the girls section, I found two lone brown and green jackets hanging from an otherwise empty rack. I slowly went over and that's when I realized these were what was left of the $15 jackets. I grabbed them and laid them on my cart,looking and looking for a tag for the sizes. Medium and Large. EXACTLY what I needed! I raced to the women's department because my oldest needs a jacket too. I searched and left and came back and searched again. That's where I found the sale jeans and hoodies I wanted to get her.

Just as I was going to check out, I decided to give it one more go. I found the poofy $7 jackets in sizes XXL and up. I was just about to give up when I decided to look through a rack of jackets that was more her size but not on sale. That's when I saw the 4 in 1 system tag. Just like the ones on the other two jackets. I dug through those other jackets until I pulled out the tag from the rest, it was a pink, white and black jacket size SMALL. Exactly what I needed AND it would match the shoes perfectly that I bought from the other store.

I had tears in my eyes as I raced across the store to the only scanner I could find earlier. I scanned all the jackets (just to be extra sure!) and it was like Christmas morning just for me. I had what I needed the most. I felt so blessed. I scoured that store and I feel pretty confident in saying that those were the only three jackets left in the whole store. I know it probably sounds sappy or like it's not a big deal. But it's huge to me. Even as little as it may seem that's how much and how long things have not been going our way.

It was almost too much because it came on the heels of Apple telling me that morning that I was getting a new computer. I felt like I was dreaming. Even now as I type this, I am getting a little misty eyed. I know it won't be the same way to my kids Christmas morning when they open them, but hell, I know they will be super warm and that's what counts. I have to at least be able to pull out the basics, ya know?

I guess that's why it burned me so much when my Mom called. She told me how the kids bio mother dragged her to Best Buy for Black Friday and how they didn't get in the store and ended up missing the other sales waiting. I was just so pissed.

I told her, I didn't know about Best Buy's sale because I have kids now who have needs. Of course, she said nothing. This whole thing has been one free ticket for all of them.

It makes me beyond angry that parents get to walk away from supporting their children. I wonder if people know that, especially those paying child support. Do you know if you are a total screw up and your parental rights are terminated, you don't have to pay the bill? You are free from your obligation and the tax payers pick up the cost of raising your kid, or the people who step up and take them in?

Seems to me that there should be a big pot and anyone who has a child they are not physically supporting whether terminated or not should have to pay to this pot. I mean, is that idea so far fetched? Making the bio parents responsible? Hell, dollars to donuts, I bet we already paid for the birth of the child. Why does it fall on us to figure out how to help these kids financially when we are already working so hard to pick up the pieces from all the trauma? Why is there no accountability for the bio parents? I know somebody has to do it, but still. The bio parents should not be released from the responsibility. They should pay for what they did to their children. Institutionalization, Meds, RAD camp, therapy whatever it is any other parent is required to pay for.

YET, if we disrupt we are most definitely on the line for every penny that child may need until they are 18? Plus,we aren't allowed to adopt again? The bios can continue to have replacement children at our expense and that's ok too? Sheesh!

Why do I have to chase down a basic necessity, while she's shopping at Best Buy?

I'll still pull through for Christmas and for their b-days in January, February and March. Somehow, I make it through... but that doesn't stop me from burning up over her newfound freedom from responsibility and lying in the bed that she made. Ya know?

I did every thing I could to make sure that I would never find myself in this very position, I guess the joke was on me.

I have not abandoned my blog...

I am still waiting for a computer. I haven't bitched too much about it. Well actually I wrote a really long post filled with three hours worth of bitching (slow computer) and just (literally) as I was about to click on publish, Apple called me and offered me a shiny new computer with a bigger screen, better processor, kick ass graphics and larger hard drive. All I have to do is send the old one back and wait for the new one to come.

WHOO HOOO!!!!!!

So, um, yeah....that's why I haven't bitched too much about it.

As we say in our house...it's so awesome--it's BE-AWESOME! (Hubbins and my weird take on Bolt and Rhino from the movie Bolt.)

Speaking of Hubbins, I don't know if I updated about his Health or not. Basically we (Hubbins and I) figured out he has a yeast infection for oh...about 2 months or so now. He's been on meds for it but since it's been so long we need to make sure it isn't systemic by now. I'll have to go back in my blog and see what I have told you about this whole situation so far. It sucks and it's ridonkulous. I am just so glad we figured it out. We aren't completely out of the woods, but at least we know what it is now and the spasms are almost completely gone.

I'll also have to leave a note here to remind myself to tell you about Black Friday and how I was almost a crying mess. I miss writing, I have so much to say.I was already so far behind and now I'm not even sure I will remember. I should get a little notepad and jot stuff down.

I have been trying unsuccessfully to read blogs but this computer is almost unbearable. It's enough just to try and Facebook on it. Hopefully,the new computer will arrive this week!

Learning a lot about my kids...

I changed out the keyboard on this thing because I wanted to make sure I document it all. I'll probably get my computer back tomorrow, but I don't want to forget.

First, I want to mention something that blew my mind. The oldest keeps talking about when she has kids... you know, she's not going to do this or that...blah, blah, blah... what she said that opened my eyes,

I will be the grandmother of her children.

I never assumed that the kids would think that or even choose me. I've had it in my mind that they will leave and never look back the second they turn 18.

Which leads me to tonight's conversation. I talked to my mother and my sister tonight. I haven't talked to my sister in over a year. Her choice. I don't know why.

She wanted to know what my mom was saying about her. Which honestly, not much or really anything at all. I decided I should reverse the question and ask her if she knew if my mom had said anything to the kids birth mother.

She said she had.I was sooo disappointed and in disbelief. When I asked her if she knew what, she said that the kids bio mother had called her to rant and told her "your mother actually thought she was going to call me and cuss me out." Meaning, our mother, the kids grandmother, called her and cussed her out. Apparently, she (the kid's grandmother) told their bio mother that she hated her and how the kids are scared and basically how they reacted to her (their grandmother). Then their bio mom went on to complain that, that was all she would tell her about her kids and how it wasn't right.

I don't know whether to believe it or not. It would be just like their bio mom to try and find someone to sympathize with her. If my mom had said more, I don't think their bio mom would have called my sister.

I shared with my sister how I am so worried that the kids bio mom would ruin them when they get older. I'm worried she would use them and turn the tables on them to make them feel guilty.

At dinner, CDQ mentioned how she was trying really hard not to mess up Thanksgiving. What that translates to: "I don't want to sabotage myself and ruin the fun." So they all started talking about our Thanksgiving traditions. Grateful turkeys, Macy's Parade, dog show, Charlie Brown, FOOD! They are pretty excited now.

I brought up the subject of Grandma. I wanted to make sure I addressed their fears and I told them so. When they came out, I could see from their faces they were scared that day. CDQ had denied it. But this time when I brought it up, she admitted she was scared and she didn't know it.

I told them that I thought a lot of the time they "ruined" things was because they were scared and they didn't know it. I told them I wanted them to think about what they were scared about or how they felt and see if they could say why. So next time they would be able to tell how they were feeling and take care of it before it got too big.

This was so interesting, but the convo was to get a lot more interesting.

Most of them were scared of being taken away (all except the oldest), some of the fear was from the memories flooding back, the memories of not being safe, the memories of being hurt. Talking like this also revealed that they were having nightmares again.

I decided I was going to use this opportunity to give them a voice. To start to pave the way to make sure they weren't afraid to stick up for themselves, even to Grandmas and Bio moms.

I told them that they should write a letter to their Grandma to tell her how they felt and to give her examples of how she could keep them safe. After all, CDQ brought up that she didn't feel her Grandmother kept her safe.

I also told them about how you teach people to treat you the way you want to be treated. That was a hard concept, but I think it finally made sense in the end.

They discussed amongst themselves how their grandmother could keep them safe:

Not give out the address or phone number.
Not bring them here.
Not talk about them to anyone so they won't want to know more about them and maybe come looking for them.
Not tell what they look like so their mom won't know when they get older.

There were A LOT of suggestions. But I realized that some where along the line I missed it. They don't want anything to do with their bio mother or father. I guess a long time ago my mom had put it in my head that the kids would go back with their mother once they turned 18 and I just took it for granted they would.

After tonight, I realized that for most of them, I have shifted from Aunt to Mom. I made the mistake of asking SS to clarify if she was talking about her grandmother or her mom and she corrected me. She said her bio mother's name instead of Mom. It was like a slap in the face telling me to wake up already. I heard it! I apologized to her.

Somewhere...after all of this... we HAVE become a family and it's scary and amazing all at the same time.

PS. Remember how my kids were all figety the night they knew my mom was here? Right now they are sleeping like logs. I was worried the dinner conversation would have triggered bad dreams but when they came to hug me good night, I made sure to reassure them that they were safe and I asked them if they knew that. The night is still young but it seems like that little sentence may have made the difference.

My computer is in the shop...

which is why I haven't posted the boy's b-day post yet.

I wish you could see the keyboard I am typing on now.

I thought it was going to be a great learning device for my little ones. I hate it and will be replacing it.

I found this link which shows the bundle I bought. The keys don't work unless you pound on them. argh!

I want my computer back!

I am so proud of my kids.

First off, I am still exhausted. I only got 6 hours of sleep in the 48 hours my mother was here and then soon after she left Hubbins spasms got worse all over again. *sigh* So, if this post is confusing or doesn't make sense, I am totally blaming it on lack of sleep. lol

Hubbins. We were able to get him to his primary doctors appointment. She ordered an ultrasound on his bladder and his prostate. Then she told us she was leaving the state. *sniff, sniff*

I almost cried. Seriously. She's a damn good doctor. She's Greek from the Bronx and about as real as it gets. No sugar coating, no if's, ands, or buts-- just straight. I heart people who are straight shooters. I double heart doctors who are.

I did manage to wish her luck in her new life... but damn. Hubbins good doctors are now ALL officially gone. His rehab PA, his urologist, and now this. I know I am forgetting the other doctors right now. But I am just. so. sad.

We were able to get him in to the ultrasound the next day and despite all the hell it took to get there the ultrasound itself went awesome. They took like 5 or 6 pics of his bladder and then like three times that amount of his prostate. Hmmm.... I guess we have to wait until December 1st when he sees the urologist.

I am trying to get him a new one but guess what! There are no urologists in this state that take his insurance. YAY! Actually that was another situation where I almost cried. The home health nurse was trying to help us find a new urologist and her lady at the office called back to tell us that there were none in the state. I told the home health nurse, "No, there are all of these urologists in the state, just none for Hubbins."

He's still having spasms most of the night. Last night was the mildest until they started full force around 6 am this morning. I don't know how we are both hanging in there. This sucks.

On to the kids, my mom came in at 3:30 Tuesday morning. She fell asleep around 4 am. I fell asleep around 6 am. I had briefly talked to her about the kids. She slept in until around 10 or so. This also coincides with the time the kids finish up breakfast and their morning routine.

Except for the oldest, the others hadn't seen her at all. I hadn't told them anything either. I realized this was going to be a shock to their systems but I thought it was kinder than telling them in advance and letting them worry and be scared.

I called them all out at the same time and I watched their faces as they registered that their grandmother was in our living room.

Fear. Except for the oldest. I told my mom they were afraid. She was surprised they didn't rush to hug her.

I told them it was ok. I told them that she had nothing to do with their mom and that no one else would be coming. I told them that she didn't have the address and that I had told her over the phone how to come. I also told them we still had no numbers on the house.

For the first time, my mom saw what I was trying to tell her. She held back the tears, as my kids didn't really respond. She asked them for hugs and they gave quick side hugs. SS focused on a framed poster I have on the wall that says "Families are forever." She had tears welling in her eyes. The boy just gaped. Poufy sat on the floor facing me, staring at me. CDQ wasn't sure whether to be elated or scared. So she was fidgety with fake smiles.

I told my kids it was ok to express how they were feeling and they should tell her. The boy quickly blurted out that he has bad dreams that they (BOTH his parents) are going to come and take him away. He started crying. SS started crying. I told them to come to me where they clung to me crying. My mom started crying then. I held my crying kids and told them all that no one was going to take them anywhere and they were my kids now forever. I also told them no one was going to hurt them anymore because I wasn't going to let anyone hurt them. I also told them that if my mom messed up she wouldn't be coming back here again either. This all said right in front of her.

SS and the boy stopped crying and clung to me tightly! (attachment milestone, I know of all the things to think of.) I know how it must've appeared to my mom. Us against her. Maybe it shouldn't be that way. But that's the way I want it. I want them to have their guard up with her as well.

I told them I had their work for the day set up and it would be just like when the babysitter was here. Which is basically everyone is safe in their rooms with alarms on the door and no one can go in or out. They always eat first, potty and take their water bottles with them. I give them workbook work and a book or two that I know they want to read. They are to write book reports if they finish as well. I also tell them that if they finish early they will have to just stare at the wall. Don't worry. They never finish early. I give them enough work for days. I just tell them that so they won't try to rush through it all and do sloppy work. It works! I mean who wants to stare at a wall. lol

Right before I left I caught my mom following CDQ into the room. She closed the door and I opened it right up. She was trying to lecture CDQ about giving me a hard time. I laughed. CDQ's eyes were glazed over and she was smirking. She wasn't listening. I told my mom it was no use. She wasn't listening. I also told her I didn't want her alone with the kids. So we both left the room.

Later when I was out with my mom she told me she was concerned about CDQ, she said her eyes were scary when she was trying to talk to her and what was with her laughing at her... I was glad she was able to see it and not kid herself anymore. She seemed to think a stern lecture from grandma would fix it.

So off I took Hubbins. While we were gone I decided that we should celebrate the boys 8th birthday when we got back. No one was in trouble or expecting it. I dropped Hubbins at home with the kids and picked up my mom where I discussed more things about the kids with her. We got the cake and food and came back.

The kids weren't scared anymore. They were excited. This was kind of my intention. I wanted them to have a good memory. I guess this could backfire on me if my mom screws up. But I think she gets it about my sister even. I think she thought the kids wanted her and missed her. But now she sees they are traumatized at the thought of her coming back to hurt them.

I asked her about the other kids and how they reacted to their mother coming back into their lives. She told me the oldest hates her. I said I didn't think this was going to be much different.

I already told her that what ever happens here stays here. This also said in front of the kids. She agreed. Earlier that morning, I had said the same thing. I told her that I don't feel it's for her or myself to tell. I told her if after my kids turn 18 they want to share with their mother that's fine and I'm making it possible that they will be able to share their childhood with her or anyone (their children). But it's not for us to do. She also agreed to that.

We came back and the kids watched "Up" with Hubbins while my mom and I got the cake and gifts together. Afterwards they played karaoke on the Wii. I let them stay up until ten.

My mom watched on the camera as they fidgeted in bed. It was very different from the morning before when she came in and they were all sleeping like rocks. I told her they were very scared. She said she saw that. (YES!)

The next day I was to take Hubbins to the ultrasound. We did the same thing. This time my mom checked in on the kids. She couldn't believe how they were all sitting there and doing what they were told. I told her I didn't want her doing that but I guess the kids had already made her feel like she was bugging and interrupting them. What can I say? I give good assignments. I know I do. I base it around their interests and make sure they are age appropriate. If your teacher gave you The Alchemyst (the 13 year old, all though I know she would love Twilight), Spiderwick (the 9 year old), The Mouse and The Motorcycle (the 8 year old), Transformers/Cars (the boy) and Harry Potter (the 10 year old) assignments wouldn't you be excited too? :-) I save these for just these occasions, when I need them to be engrossed in something.

Anyhow, we ended up getting out way earlier than we expected. We stopped and picked up dinner and came home and had a family meal with all of us at the table. It was good. Very normal actually.

Then my mom had to go. There were some tears. I told the kids not to worry. Again in front of my mom. I said basically if Grandma makes the right choices she will be able to come back again. Of course the right choices mean keeping us all safe. The kids were intent on that and my mom knew it. It's her second and last chance.

She took off and I had already planned to make caramel apples with the kids for dessert right after she left. They had a blast.

I have to say it's still all new and of course my mom would have been amiable to everything. But I think she gets it. Not entirely, of course. But the only thing we have to work on is her trying to parent my kids. I don't think she's doing it because she thinks she can do better or that I'm delusional like most grandparents do. At least not after the incident with CDQ. But it just seemed more out of habit. Like she's still in the days before all this happened. No one would take care of the kids and my mother would step forward and parent them when my sister wouldn't. I would too. But I was more of the first tell the adult in charge and then take care of it myself if no one else did, type.

I don't think there will be a problem with this. I remember before it all, my mom would cry because she just wanted to be the grandma who spoils her grandkids. She didn't want to be the bad guy. This only seems like win/win. Especially because I've already banned any kind of present buying. We are parents that take care of our kids so my mother doesn't have to worry or step in. We are fine being the bad guys. She can blame the things on us. We aren't worried about being friends with our kids or them hating us.

I know I sound really optimistic about all this but don't think I am being naive.

I am happy that my kids clung to me the entire time. My kids hugged me and told me they loved me and they did the same to their Dad bypassing my mother. She was all, "what about me?".

CDQ thought she was going to be "special" again but we killed that right at the start. I had trouble with the oldest acting bratty because she thought she was special because "she spent more time with grandma." But we nipped that in the bud too by telling them all that it wasn't like that anymore and they were all equals.

I tried to head off as much as I could with open communication with all of us together. I fully expected and am still waiting for my kids to lose their $%^&. But it's been a couple of days and all I got was the boy being bratty because of all the attention he got on his birthday. I think that's normal 8 year old behavior. You know the birthday child having a big head deal. lol

Given all the shocks and excitement, my kids are doing pretty damn awesome and I am so proud of them!

Change

I've been thinking a lot about what Donetta and Kether said in this post.

I believe the same things that Donetta said about change. You can only change yourself. You can NEVER change anyone else.

But how do we know that someone has changed? Especially if we have shut them out of our lives?

Yes, my mother is on her way now. No, I don't trust her but I don't have a choice. Besides how am I supposed to trust her if I don't give her a chance. She really doesn't understand what goes on here. She doesn't know. Maybe if she knew, she would see it differently.

There are things that she is seeing differently already. I am not making excuses for her either.

I'm not one to engage in the drama. I'm not one to keep rolling the codependent ball either.

But I know I have changed and I have become a bitter, angry, frightened person. I hope that I don't stay this way forever and I also hope that someone doesn't judge me when they have come across me at my worst.

But what if...what if... God is finally coming around and what if, like Kether said, this is the answer.

I don't know that my Mom purposefully put the kids in danger. My sister had the kids lying to her and telling her their father wasn't around when he was. In complete fairness, my mother did not have custody of my niece who was murdered. Why she went down with my sister, I don't know. Probably because my sister took her down with her to try and save her own butt.

I will never know. All I can know is through chance. I would never do anything to endanger the kids. If my mother does anything out of line, she knows it will be the end. She has to know this is huge for me.

17 years ago my grandfather said something to me he never should have. That day I cut him off and never looked back. My mother knows I will do it. She knows I will change my number, move and never look back.

She will see. With her faith still in tact the way it is, I know she will see what the kids being away from their mother and that whole family has done and how life has changed for them and that this is where they belong, in this family.

I think she will be smart enough to know that "this is it". One of those life changing moments/chances that she will never get again.

She has a chance to be part of this. Only time will tell. But my kids will always come first as long as I can help it.

Failure

That's why my blog went private. It was yet another thing I was failing miserably at. Just knowing that it was out there and neglected was bugging me more than you guys can imagine.

See, I have a confession.

I am a perfectionist who is afraid of failure.

How is that possible? Some of you might ask but I know there are going to be many of you who know exactly what I mean. Things have to be perfect or why bother doing them at all, right?

I used to be able to meet perfection (aka control, I mean, isn't that really what it is?) when it was just me and I only had me to account for and me living in my home. But then all hell broke loose and well you know the story...

The other thing is this blog used to be about me and Hubbins and our home. I've realized lately that I'm hesitant to post so much the way I used to. Like this blog became about the kids and their troubles and struggles and basically all about RAD and adoption. When I started blogging, it wasn't about that. Frankly, RAD and adoption and how I feel about the whole thing is just too exhausting.

I know, it's my blog and I can write about what I want to. But I went from writing for me to writing for help and then writing all about the kids and then writing about the kids and my struggles.

I also used to keep a craft blog and a book blog. Those have long been neglected.

Hubbins has been having trouble for months and I've posted nothing about it. It's escalated the last two months and up until the last two weeks he was taking it ok. He's tired and he's breaking down. So am I.

I have no one. I lose all the way around. I take him to the ER with the kids and we will probably get the swine flu. Hell as it is right now, I think I have a cold.

Hubbins will die from the swine flu if he gets it. He can't cough. If it goes into his lungs... I don't want to think about it.

I've called my mother for help because I have no choice. No alternative. She should be arriving tonight and hopefully, Hubbins night will get better and he will make it to his doctor's appointment tomorrow and not the ER tonight.

I just feel like I am breaking and like I can't fix anything right now. I can barely keep myself from being sick to my stomach. I've been carrying this for so long and I just feel like I am breaking.

I'm trying to keep it together. But every time Hubbins autonomic dysreflexia starts I go flying into the bathroom with nausea. It's hard for me to believe there is a God when I see all the pain that Hubbins goes through. He was 10 years old. What could he have done to deserve this?

He calls my name in pain and fear and there is nothing I can do to help him. To make it go away. I try and I try but nothing seems to work. All I can do is watch him in pain. I feel so selfish because I can't take seeing him like that anymore. So selfish because he has to go through it. I would trade him, I would. If I could I would take his pain from him and suffer it myself.

We had an incident with his urologist's nurse. I called the urologist to let him know what was going on (plus the primary doc had suggested it). We didn't receive a call back. Which I understand because our state has a shortage of urologists. That night he spasmed for hours. Practically all night without letting up. Even with spasm meds and pain meds. I called at 8 am to update his status.

Meanwhile, I decided we needed to look for a new urologist. We had initially sat down with the urologist and he seemed to have an understanding of Hubbins condition. He said that he could tell Hubbins knew what his body was telling him. He said he would take Hubbins seriously basically. That was almost 2 years ago.

Last year, we ran into this problem with the urologist's nurse not giving him full information. He apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. I feel like it has. Especially after the call we got from the office.

But first, I called all 13 urologists in his insurance book and they no longer take his insurance. I called his insurance and they tried to give me the same urologists. I spoke to his caseworker, who was paranoid about the situation and ended up calling the urologist, paranoid and made things worse or something.

We get a call at 2pm from the urologist's nurse. She asks questions, then she says she is going to call back. When she calls back, she asks more questions. See, she doesn't get what quadriplegia is or something because she goes on and on about how Hubbins hasn't been to see the doc in 2 years. Um, yeah because we can't get into his office it's inaccessible. The first time we went to his office, he shut the office door and we met in the waiting room. The doc himself said we couldn't get back there. Hubbins said that maybe he has to go to the other office so the doc can see him, she argued that the other offices were smaller. This AFTER Hubs had to explain he was in a chair. AFTER she was told he was a quad. The other thing, he's treated Hubbins for at least 2 UTI's since. Just out of office.

Then she says that the doc wants her to tell us that he has a very busy practice and can't always get to patients immediately. I explained to her that we had sat down with the doctor and that he said he understood the situation. She cut me off and said "you left a message at 1 pm, yesterday, correct?" I said "yes".

She said it hadn't even been 24 hours. I told her she must not have got my message I left from this morning because in that message I explained how the situation had turned to worse. What makes me think she's talking out of her ass is that her next sentence was that the doctor had only given her the message to return an hour prior. I think she was mad because the caseworker called and I don't know who he talked to there. The caseworker still hasn't returned my call so I can find out what happened. I'm only giving you half of it because I realize this is long.

So she actually had the balls to say that Hubbins had meds for his blood pressure and said he doesn't like to take them.

In actuality, this is what happens in a nutshell. Hubbins starts spasming, this causes autonomic dysrelexia, so his body thinks something serious is happening and kicks into overdrive. This causes his blood pressure to shoot up. That night it was over 200. We have to find and fix the problem ASAP so that his blood pressure will come back down. During the time that it's up, Hubbins can have a stroke and die.

I literally cry when I have to get the f'ing blood pressure machine out because it scares me so bad.

If we can't fix that problem, we have to give him a med that helps to control his blood pressure by lowering it. Problem with that is we give him the med and continue to try to fix the problem. Once and if we get that resolved his blood pressure will regulate but in the meantime the meds are already lowering his blood pressure. So then he has low blood pressure and he feels like he's passing out.

Would you want to take the meds or have your doc help you solve the problem?

So we have no urologist. All I can do is wish and hope that the primary doc will figure it's something that doesn't require a urologist.

I'm trying to keep it together. But my hands are ice cold , my face is on fire and my stomach is in knots. When we first moved here, before Hubbins insurance kicked in, he got a UTI. We thought it would be ok, because when the insurance did kick in, I called immediately to make an appointment with a urologist. We had to wait three months for that appointment. It was a week or two before the appointment, when the UTI went septic. Hubbins ended up in ICU and he almost died. I can't forget that. We were alone then too. But we didn't have the kids to worry about.

I think that's why I am so wound up about this. Since then, I have had no peace about Hubbins. I wake up when I don't hear him snoring. I freak out about any little thing. It makes me wonder about our kids because isn't this what hyper vigilance is all about?

It's too much.

PS. I made an appointment with the current urologist and am still trying to find one that will take his insurance. I will still keep the appointment with this urologist because I am going to find out the truth and let him know what's what. Ya know?

Wow...that was weird...

So, I just typed in my URL to this here blog and made a slight typo. I found myself staring at this weird bible webpage that was threatening me with the end of the world and revelations... crazy... At least I wasn't staring into someone's twat like when I accidentally mistyped "netscape" in the URL bar.

Anyhoo, I've been having a rough time around here. Not so much with the kids but just with myself. The end of October is bad for me because I am a selfish person and I mourn the loss of the only true friend I ever had. After ten years... it still shouldn't hurt like it was yesterday. I shouldn't have flashbacks to it all the week of but I do and I cry a lot because I could sure use my friends advice right now.

Normally I remember him where ever I am blogging at. But for some reason this time around, I just can't. It's still very raw. I can only wonder what his family feels this time of the year.

I'm convinced I am struggling with depression and PTSD from the time Hubbins almost died. This past month has been torture. I hurt myself and I have a post in my drafts about my ER visit.

The reason I am so convinced is because I got a glimpse of the way I used to feel. With a combo of muscle relaxers and two pain killers. No more pain, no more anxiety, no more nothing. I mean, I knew they were there...but I just couldn't care or at least it wasn't something I could really worry about because I wasn't really keeping thoughts in my head. Does that even make sense?

Even with just the one pain killer they gave me in the ER, I just felt this sense of peace wash over me and the lights weren't so bright and harsh. I can remember that. Clearly. I need that. I need that peace in my life and I need to find it without meds, ya know?