That other thing that happened Tuesday night

In the previous post I briefly mentioned being able to take two children to catechism.



The boy ended up at the library but CDQ stayed for her class. They hadn't been to class in a few weeks due to behavior so I was talking to the teacher to see if there was anything we needed to do to catch her up.



But while the teacher was talking, I heard one girl ask CDQ who she was voting for. (And BTW, my kids have had arguments at the dinner table who they are going to vote for and why. It's amazing what they retain but I'm not entirely convinced they actually understand what they are saying.lol) CDQ said Obama and the girl's voice went down in disgust.



"You're going to vote for Obama? Do you know he's for abortion."
She hissed the last part at CDQ.

I wish I was exaggerating.



By this point I wasn't even listening to the instructor, but was watching what was taking place. CDQ looked taken aback by this girl who had such a look of disgust and had literally shrunk back away from her in her chair.



People may disagree with me, and I do understand that this is someone else's child but my child was involved too.



From across the room I said "Uh, uh. You are not going to do that to her. She does not need you saying those things to her just because she doesn't believe the same things you do. Just like you have a choice so does she."



The instructor who was still talking to me asked what was going on. I told her that my daughter didn't need to be brainwashed to believe the same things. She told me she had just been asking the kids who they were voting for in the election when we came in. I also told her we don't align ourselves with everything the church says.



I don't. To me, God and religion are two very different things. To me there is God. Then there is religion which is man made and prone to error. I will not blame God for the things that people do.



I was livid that this was happening. This is America: Freedom, choice, etc... and this is Catechism: no judgement, no hate, etc...



I continued to speak to the teacher and when I was done I went up to CDQ and I told her that I wanted her to understand that Obama is not for abortion. He's for a woman's right to choose because in the end it's a woman's choice and no one elses.



I don't want her growing up and believing that it is someone else's fault women have abortions. Because whether people like or not, whether it is legal or not, there will be abortions. If she ends up having an abortion in life, she has no one else to blame but herself. ( of course there are exceptions: rape, health, etc.) I want her to grow up knowing that should she put herself in a situation where she has been irresponsible, she can find herself at this predicament that only she can decide. She has to know that she has to be responsible for whatever outcome of her actions and how it's not to be taken lightly. She has to know where she stands before she ever comes to that crossroad, if ever. She has to know these things so she can prevent it. THAT is the best way I feel I can teach my kids about abortion. It is a slippery slope and it is not black and white.



When I went to pick CDQ up she was telling the other kids how she was told she should vote for McCain because she is white and that all the white people should vote for McCain. Apparently, they also told a black child that she should vote for Obama because she is black. This caused the girl to cry. They were about to break into groups where there would be a McCain table and only "McCain Lovers" could sit there and an Obama table where only "Obama Lovers" could sit.



If you are saying WTF? So was I. I asked her what the teacher did and she told me that the teacher told the kids they were going too far. If you ask me, the teacher let this go too far and the fact that she's the one who started it quite frankly pisses me off.

Oopsies!

Tuesday night I was able to take two of the kiddos to Catechism. CDQ and The Boy. The other two not so.

Unfortunately, The Boy's class was having a Halloween party and the Boy had lost all Halloween privileges. I suspected there was going to be a problem when he found out this little tidbit. But to my surprise, he took it very well. As in he accepted that he had done many many many many things wrong and it was his consequence.

I still wanted to reward him for being good lately. I decided to take him to get a library card. He's been doing an excellent job with his beginning sounds. I told him because of that, I thought he was going to be reading soon and I wanted him to be able to read a lot. He was nervous about it.

When we got up to the counter, I went blank at his age so I asked him how old he was. At our library, you have to be at least 7 to get a card. He told me he was 7. So I told the librarian. As I was filling out the form, I thought something wasn't right but it didn't sink in. I was too worried about the time and when I had to pick CDQ up. The librarian asked if he was 7 again and I said "yup!" still not thinking. She issued him a card. (This whole sequence will make sense a little later)

I showed him all the books that were available to him. He walked from row to row, touching the books and telling me to look at this one or that one. Then he asked how many he could check out. I told him 3. He went at it.

Some books I had to tell him he was going to have to work up to but he seemed to like that challenge. This is huge because this is a boy who could not identify letters that weren't in his name when I started with him. He's a first grader. He didn't want to do ANYTHING. He was too scared because he wasn't confident enough that he knew anything.

After making his selections, he took his books and card up to the desk and very matter of factly put them on the counter like he had been doing it for ages. I could tell he felt like such a big boy.

Later, at dinner, we were all talking about something that escapes me right now (senior moment) and the kids ages came up. That's when I realized the boy is actually 6, not 7 yet. How embarrassing. When I asked him why he said he was 7, he said he forgot and thought he was 7. lol I think maybe the librarian let him slide since his birthday is in 2 weeks. That or she saw my face, because she had asked me what was wrong when I first came in. But maybe next post, I'll address that.

At any rate, I am so proud of the boy and I am hoping the best for him and reading. It's the only thing (at least it seems) that I have been able to instill in all of them. I've been collecting children's books for as long as I can remember. They love to read and I've been reading to them.

My latest obsession...

Cherry slush with whole cherries. YUM! Not to mention half priced drinks during happy hour.



No I'm not being paid for this but I just had to share because see all those cherries? They make me sooooo happy. Little things...little things.



What are your current favorites?

He was a man of integrity, a man who kept his word...

I still remember Karlton Taylor. I remember him when times get too hard and I wonder what he would have to say about something or what kind of advice he would offer. I remember him when I change a tire. When I hear the words "french braids". I remember him when I see silver Hershey's kisses.

I see him every now and then. Like my mind doesn't or won't believe he is gone. I know it's irrational. But my mind plays tricks on me.

I remember his cool hand at the viewing, the only time I ever touched him, I thought it would make it real. I wouldn't allow him to touch me. He was always wanting to "lay hands" on me. I know it was some sort of prayer but I would not allow it.

I still can't talk about him or think about him without crying like it was yesterday. For me, it is still yesterday that I lost the best friend I ever had. The first person I was ever able to trust fully in my entire life. Literally. I think that's why it's so huge. He was in a way the only "true" family I ever had.

I still see him tapping his planner the last time we "met". We were both so busy, me with a new job and him with his plans for a toy drive. He pushed and pushed for us to meet. So we met after work in his car and he was telling me about his plans for the kids. He kept saying it was very important that we were on the same page.

I had never been in his car before. It was a shell. I wondered how he drove it. The doors had no interior, I could see the metal and mechanisms. I put my seat belt on even though he was just driving me from one parking lot to another. I didn't feel safe but I didn't know that this car would be his death.

He tapped his planner when I got out of the car and said he would put it down in the books that we had met. I think I may have called him a dork or told him he was dorky or something. I know he asked why because I remember telling him it was weird but I had no reason for why.

I remember the day he died was the first day I had ever seen him wear shorts. I had come in to ask him if he would go with me car shopping in LA. I was wanting to trade in my old one and get a different car. He told me he couldn't. He had a committment to speak and he wanted to keep his word. He didn't really want to go though. But he was going to do it anyway because he said he would.

But that was Karlton. When we had talked about death about a month before on the way to a computer show, he said when he died he wanted people to say he was a man of integrity and a man who kept his word.

Before the end of my work day, I had stopped in to ask him again if he wanted to go, but he wasn't there. He was supposed to be coming back shortly...but we all knew shortly was anything but with Karlton. lol When I left work that day, I toyed with the idea of trying to convince him to go again. I drove over to the other parking lot. I know he didn't really want to go to his other meeting but I told myself that I shouldn't interfere with that just because I was afraid to drive out to who knows where by myself. So I glanced at the building and drove off.

Driving off is something I carry with me everyday. I guess logically, I know I probably couldn't have changed anything. But it's still there and it's still in my heart.

If only I had stopped and he had come with me.

That night I went to the car dealership. They told me they couldn't take my car but I could still get a new car if I just kept my old one. I figured I could pass my old car (Ford Taurus) on to Karlton and it would be safe for Sharon and the kids and he could just take over payments. I told them I would have to get back to them because I wanted to talk to Karlton first.

I called him that morning when I was putting on my shoes, I got no answer. I decided to go car shopping locally. Trying to talk myself out of the whole car deal and telling myself I was crazy.

But if I had just stopped. Just tried one more time. He wouldn't have been out there on that street that night in a car that was nothing more than a piece of tin. He would have been with me and he would have been driving my Taurus, the family car with the highest safety rating, back from LA while I followed behind in my new car.

But I didn't stop. I didn't want to be "devil's advocate" and play on the fact that he didn't want to go.

So I live with this, knowing that I am being irrational but still being unable to stop it.

I know he is where he belongs in Heaven. Talking and talking...


I miss you.

I Couldn't Believe It!

Today we had the termite inspection, home inspection, and a contractor come out to the new house. Our Realtor had a closing this morning so it was just me and the guys at first. This evening I went and signed loan papers.

I was walking around the house, just rediscovering it really and I decided to go upstairs and hang out on the balcony for a bit. It's peaceful up there and since it was still mid-morning it was slightly chilly. I looked down on our yard and plotted out where I would add rose bushes since I love roses.

I snooped on the neighbors to the left and watched their waterfall in their backyard and I decided to look over at what the other neighbors had going on in their backyards. Not too bad. I had a sweater on but I didn't want to get too cold so I decided I better go back in. I reached for the door and wouldn't you know it? I was locked out...on the balcony... no realtor... no one really. The termite inspector had already left and the contractor hadn't arrived. Just me and the inspector.

I called Hubs as I gazed over the balcony. I was laughing pretty hard. I told him what I had done so he called the realtor, in the meantime, I noticed the inspector checking things out in the backyard. Thank goodness I remembered his name. I called down to him and he looked around down there. I called that I was up on the balcony and that I had locked myself out, he chuckled and said he'd be up.

I called Hubs back to let him know it was ok. The whole time I am cracking up and soooo embarrassed. The thought had crossed my mind that it could be locked but when I checked it, it didn't seem like it was.

When the inspector got up the stairs (there's the main flight of stairs to the second floor and then a smaller set of stairs from the second floor that leads up to this particular bedroom) he came with the contractor. As the contractor was introducing himself, his phone rang. It was my realtor. She was calling to see if he could "rescue" me. I heard him tell her that he thought I was ok and was just talking to me. Em-barr-assing. lol

The inspection came back "phenomenal". He found the homeowner's binder and all the documentation for everything: alarm system, appliances, flooring, EVERYTHING in the kitchen island drawers. The people who owned the house before kept immaculate records and actually left them behind!

It's bittersweet, I start to let myself get excited but then I try to put myself in check. Our house hasn't closed yet. Frankly, I am pissed. The woman who is working it is L-A-Z-Y and she keeps lying to us. We were supposed to be done by the end of this month but now she insists she said "closing" by the end of the month. I don't get her. She says we will be done before we even have to worry about making a November house payment but hello! It's due the first of November and if today was the last day to get them in before funding--how does she figure?

I think I'll just breathe easier when this house has closed. We have less than 3 weeks to get it wrapped up. It's stressing me out. If the people would just get off their asses. This should have been done this week(actually, three weeks ago). I've had to be on her constantly- phone calls and e-mail and she actually has the audacity to write me back in caps. I will be writing a post about them--name and all when everything is all said and done so anybody out there can avoid them.

*sigh* Less than three weeks.

Why I *Heart* My Realtor

This whole house selling and buying thing has been so stressful. I'm telling you, when I bought this house it was very similar to buying a car or something at the local store.

I saw three houses before this one, on the same block, and when I saw this one all I said is "We'll take it!' and it was ours. Sure we signed papers but we didn't go back and forth with offers and we didn't have all the waiting to hear from so and so.

So this time out it's been a totally different experience. Totally.

I didn't have a Realtor last time. Well, no, not really. There was a guy we had met when house searching. He showed us the houses and then stepped out of the picture. Which was fine. We didn't know a Realtor did all kinds of stuff.

Our Realtor has been excellent. She's worked really hard for us and pushed to get us everything we need and want. I have had so much fun meeting with her to see different houses. I don't know if it's just the Realtor experience, but her and I start talking about decorating and layout, etc... For instance, with the current house we were there for like three hours and we even went into decorating for Christmas (How the hell DO you hang Christmas lights on stucco?).

But what prompted this post was a conversation I had with her yesterday, I can't even remember what it was about but she made me laugh so hard my belly hurt (in a good way). She was talking about something or other to do with the house and if it didn't get down on time (or something ) we would be AOL.

I believe she meant SOL but anyone who's ever dealt with AOL would know that it's practically the same thing! She didn't catch that she had said it but man,the more I thought about it the harder I laughed. Even today when it pops into my mind I chuckle. So does Hubs. But hey, we are both computer people so maybe that's why it hits a funny bone with us.

Either way, I needed that laugh and it just made me like my Realtor even more!

Losing My Religion

I'm part of the Roman Catholic Homeschoolers in my area. I joined because I had no idea how to get started in homeschooling. When I signed up, it looked like it was going to be fun. Playdates with the kids, Mom's night out, field trips.

I didn't get to do any of those yet because I'm still "training" my kids amongst other things.

But lately the tone on the forum had changed. It was sinister, hateful and full of lies.

Some examples:

The left-wing knew about a PBS poll in advance (THEY CHEATED!) and we need to go vote for Palin--JESUS help US!

Obama wants to change the national anthem to "I want to teach the world to sing"-- FORGIVE US WE KNOW NOT WHAT WE DO!

Obama is Muslim-- GOD HAVE MERCY!

If you vote for someone who is pro-abortion you will be *gasp* EX-COMMUNICATED! and by your ownself to boot!

Worse yet, if you recieve communion having voted for a pro-abortionist (yep- pro-abortion- like it's something people cheer for! ABORTION! ABORTION! You know you want one! You know you need one! RAh Rah rah!, sheesh) "you yourself risk placing your soul going in hell"!!!!!!

Seriously... they've been posting this shit. I had enough. I'll bet you I get censored. But I had to say something. It's immature, it's hateful, it's lies. Is this the new Catholicism? Christianity in general?

For as long as I can remember abortion is something I have personally been against but would never tell someone else they could not do.

Even when I found out my mother had an abortion and that I could have had a full blooded sibling--one other person in this world, a real family, maybe someone like me-- I still could not be against it.

When Bela was murdered my feelings became even stronger. I don't doubt that abortion is painful. But I think that abortion of a fetus,baby, what have you is possibly less painful for the baby than to look in to your mother's eyes as she beats you or know that your Daddy who is supposed to love you so much has hurt you so bad you are dying.

I've held drug addicted babies as they've screeched from the pain of the light being to bright or the withdrawals being too much. Have you seen a newborn twitch in pain?

I've seen those babies growing up being destroyed, molested, abused, used.

I think it's worse when a 14 year old decides the pain of her life, the lack of love, caring and family hurts so much she would rather be dead and kill herself.

It's not to say that I don't care or love the kids I am talking about, but can't you just love a person so much you would rather they be in Heaven rather than living here in Hell?

I've seen what a lot of people can't fathom. They can't figure out why an abortion could be a better alternative. I've often wished that life circumstances could have been different and that I was the child who was aborted. No more pain. Just sweet Heaven.

Abortion will never be an answer for me and I can't put myself in another woman's shoes and know why she does it, but I don't need to know. It's something that she will live with for the rest of her life and only a decision she can make for herself.

Why I'm Homeschooling.

I just noticed a comment from Brenda in a previous post. I don't know why I didn't get it in my inbox, so sorry about that.

I'm homeschooling because my kids were out of control at school. They were telling lies, stealing and just plain getting away with murder. When I went to the school to get some help, I took the letter from Nancy Thomas' site for teachers with me. The principal refused to read it claiming "any parent can bring something in and say their kid has it." He wanted a note from the doctor, which is fine. But the attitude was over the top. I was coming for help and he kept checking his watch. This after I was supposed to meet with the assistant principal and yet again she cancelled on me.

By this time, I had a teacher that was way off base. The boy was telling her that I wasn't feeding him and she was overstepping her role believing him, I guess. Poufy told a little girl in her class that she hadn't had breakfast and the little girl felt sorry for her and gave her the breakfast leaving the little girl to have no breakfast at all.

Even when I picked up SS's things from her desk she was stealing gum and hair clips. I told the teacher maybe she could ask the kids in the class if they belonged to anyone but she said she was just going to throw them away. She didn't really care.

That's why I was homeschooling initially. I had started a post about how the first week of homeschool had gone. It was bad. Not so much with the kids but truly learning how the school system is failing them. Every single one.

My first grader can count, but he can't write his numbers or even identify which numbers are which. Same with the alphabet. He can tell you the letters in his name.

My fourth grader and my third grader for that matter, can't subtract double digit numbers. My fourth grader says the alphabet with letters backwards.

It's just a mess. I've been telling the school that I don't believe in social promotion but I guess they're just worried about AYP. Not about what the kids are going to have to go through in life.

Once we move, I believe I will have a choice between two schools. I am going to go to each school and see how willing they are to help with my situation. I want them back in school (OOOOOOOOOOOh, I want them back in school. LOL) but I have to make sure that they are getting the education that they are supposed to and that they aren't going to harm anyone else. I feel so bad about that little girl missing breakfast. Poor girl.

If the school's are willing to help with the lying and stealing and consequence thing, I would be more than happy to supplement their learning at home. Luckily, I don't have to struggle with them when it comes to schoolwork yet.

So, that's why I am homeschooling (for now).

I've tried to find someone or even a daycare that would take my kids and nobody will. They are still too young to be left anywhere in public alone. I was looking forward to vacation bible school at the church next summer, but it looks like my kids are going to have to make up some stuff in catechism this summer.

If I can just get through these next several weeks. Well, let's just say if I can just get through the rest of the year... I think it wil be ok. I hope.

Finally!

Yesterday, I was so proud of the kids (well, except Poufy). They did what they were told and homeschool went on without a hitch. Thankfully.

Poufy is still continuing to be a problem. But the others are definitely straightening out. I hope it's not a honeymoon period over the thoughts of a new house or something and then when it's done everything crashes, you know?

CDQ came up to me last night and hugged me and told me that she wasn't going to be bad anymore, she doesn't want to be. Which I've heard before but the fact that I'm hearing it from the unmedicated CDQ makes it huge to me.

Right now, I can hear The Oldest, CDQ and SS laughing with Hubs in the kitchen. We are making caramel apples.

I am so proud of the boy right now because I had told all the kids if they didn't tantrum they would get dessert (yep, bribery). He had a tantrum earlier and I was worried it would be bad at bedtime. BUT, it wasn't. He saw that there were 10 apples total and 10 caramel apple wrapper thingies and that there would still be at least 5 left. So he put his jammies on, did his business and went straight to bed. Lights out and everything! Homeschool is working! LOL!

I'm chalking it up to his new math skilz. Plus, they all should really know me by now. There will be plenty of caramel apples and apple pies and all that crap I do during this time of the year.

I'm also damn proud of SS. She's the one who had stolen gum and things from her classroom and stuff from here. I grounded her from sweets until next year. Extreme? I was worried it was going to be, but when she came out of catechism with hidden candy that she's not supposed to have (dentist's orders) and lied about it. I had it. Obviously, I haven't done my job in instilling Catholic guilt in these kids. (just kidding, lol)

This child has the worst teeth. She pulls off her caps. I've never had caps so I don't really know but my guess is that it is supposed to be impossible. The dentist told her what she can and can't have and she's been on a full out mission to sneak exactly those things.

But she's doing great with the consequence. Instead of apple pie yesterday, she had peanut butter crackers. Today instead of caramel apples, she had a baked apple. With no complaints. I figure it must be that she's thankful she's getting anything at all at this point. What else could it be?

The Oldest's report card came out on Thursday. 2 C's: Math and Spanish. Math has always been her worst subject but Spanish is what she's been dying to learn. She had a situation with the Spanish teacher and basically decided she was going to be combative towards him. When I explained to her that she would be the only one missing out, she got it, but she's so damn stubborn. I'm just as stubborn, but I didn't screw myself. I have a degree in Computer Programming just because a teacher (Kiss my ass, Mrs. Kemp.) told me I couldn't do it. So, I'm the opposite extreme. lol

I think she'll do better next time because get this...she wants to make honor roll! Why this is a surprise? I had told her all about honors and she was certain that she would never make it so why try? She wants it now. She's so close, she wants it. I guess I forgot to mention the rest of her grades. lol The rest are all A's and B's and what is killing her is that her B's were likethisclose to A's. We'll see what happens. I know she can do it, it's whether she thinks she can.

I'm beginning to wonder if Poufy isn't the sole cause of all the drama. Since she's "contained", things have evened out. Could this one little brat be causing everything? We might be breaking her. Little by little her BS lessens but it's a ton of BS. Everyone is moving forward and having a good time except for her. The other day all the kids were outside playing except for her because she couldn't control herself, I had to cut her outside time off because she was starting to mess with the other kids. At dinner, several of the kids remarked how much better it was outside after she left. My first reflex was to tell them not to say things like that but I thought maybe it's better that she knows the truth. They are tired of her and don't want to be in trouble with her anymore.

I feel bad because she looks so lonely but then she pulls that crap to push you away so fast it's hard--very very very hard to look past it. At this point, I'm just going to see how it plays out unless some other ideas come up.

I am not looking forward to this week. It's going to be up and down with both houses, Hubs final mold fitting (it was supposed to be done this past week but they decided to let him test it this week) and all the rest of the crap. But at least things are getting better and the pee smell is almost cleared completely.

I will finish this post...

I started a post last week, by the way as I am writing this one I am homeschooling...shhhh., but the amount of stuff that has happened has kept me from actually posting one.

Things are changing so quickly that my posts aren't even accurate as I type them. However, since it's Saturday and everything seems to be at a standstill, I'm pretty sure I can get through this one.

1.) New House- Last week our realtor found us a house. It's THE house. I saw it the same day she sent it to us. Hubs and the kids saw it the next day and I signed an offer. Short story we were counteroffered, we counteroffered and it's basically ours. The offer was accepted. It's two stories but the master bedroom is downstairs. No elevator needed AND Hubs gets his own office and I get my own office DOWNSTAIRS. The kids all get their own rooms upstairs.

2.) Old House- hit two huge snags. The need for a new finance company and some deactivation of title information. A new finance company sounds like it's going to be a setback and has me stressed. This other one has been worthless. We are looking for a local one now through the guy who did our home appraisal which is also the guy who gave us the heads up that something isn't right. Potentially this house could still close within a week providing we get our paperwork together quickly and the deactivation can be squared away quickly. The deactivation doohickey could possibly end up being costly which is another stressor because apparently the first people who owned this home were foreclosed upon and never passed on the title. We need to count on some state people to find it through warranty deeds that I should be getting from our title company Monday morning (knock on wood). If they find that everything is in order and just didn't get passed on we can get copies of that and move along. Pllllease.

3.) Kids- the social worker never called, why I thought they would is just a testament to my naivety and stupidity. They washed their hands from this a lllllllong time ago.

The door alarms and kid monitors are working wonders for 3 of them (the oldest is doing fine not a problem) Poufy is the one giving me problems. I'm listening to her bitch and moan on the monitor because she has no control of anything.

I almost cried at the new house when I took the kids through the house. It's the first time I've seen them really excited about a house. There are a bazillion kids in the neighborhood and the school is behind the house across the intersection, well-- basically diagonal from the house. We can see it from the balcony.

They were all standing in one of the front bedrooms side by side in awe of the house, they looked so small. They were looking out the side window to the rock landscaping below at the side of the house and they were just so excited about being able to see the rock path down below. It was just so sad to me. I want to give them this. But I want them to appreciate it and take care of it. I'm hoping despite RAD that they learn some good things from the kids on the block, basic things. Like peeing in your room is NOT cool.

They WANT this. I can tell. Will it make a difference? I don't know.

Thanks for the advice. Torina, I will e-mail you. I just gotta run now. The kids are all finishing up at the same time and I need to get dinner started.

I've made a decision

I started a post about what's going on around here and before I finished I decided to sit down and watch the debate. I was about half way through the debate when I became totally sick to my stomach and had to leave the room. It was the debate that caused me to be sick. Moreso, John McCain.

I'm not trying to put anyone down and I felt when I sat down to watch it that I had no strong feelings towards either side. I don't think either one has what it takes. But you know the lesser of two evils and all that. I was actually impressed by Joe Biden. I wondered why he wasn't the Presidential Nominee but anywhoo. After watching what I did and seeing how condescending, rude and immature John McCain is I couldn't stomach the thought of him being the next President.

You can't treat people like that. He kept interrupting and the faces he was making. No respect at all. I had to disagree strongly with his view on Obama and negative ads. I've heard so many negative and untrue ads by McCain, it's ridiculous for him to even bring that up. The ads I have heard from Obama have been very informative. I was impressed by that.

John McCain embarrasses me because he's like that guy in high school that blows everyone off because he's too cool for everyone there. Everyone's just a dumbass and he's too smart to stop and listen. Can you imagine something like that representing you?

He also reminds me of my kids. RAD kids blame everything and everyone and never take responsibility. They will skirt around the issue and talk about everything around the topic and are more eager to have their piece said in the interest of control and getting someone else in trouble.

How can you keep calling someone out to the mat when you won't even step on the mat yourself?

Speaking of calling people out to the mat, I've done some research and it's amazing the amount of fabrication that is going on by the McCain team. They certainly are trying to blow things up and make something out of nothing. Smoke and mirrors....smoke and mirrors...

I don't know how Obama does it. Really that man must have some incredible restraint.

I wish I knew someone who could explain to me how they view McCain. Someone for McCain. Believe me, I'm not saying I know only Obama people. I'm just saying I know no one. Literally, no friends out here. LOL!

Anyway, I wish I could talk to someone, in a civilized way, who supports him because I am so curious to how they view the things that he does. Is it ok that he acts that way? Afterall, you can support his policies but dislike the person I would suppose, maybe?

I am also tired of people trying to legislate my body and my rights.

If you don't believe in abortion, don't have one. It's that simple.

I can't even believe we are voting on something like that. Really. Why aren't we voting to sterilize absentee parents? Or why not have all men have vasectomies until they decide they are ready to be parents? Those are easily reversed, no?

If those sound outrageous to you, well that's how I feel about the whole voting on MY body issue.

I don't believe in abortions and I will NEVER have one. But I will not keep someone from having one. I have seen first hand what happens to kids who are raised by people who should have had abortions. I think the lifetime of pain and torture is worse than any pain they can feel in an abortion.

I am not an object to be voted upon. I am not someone's little pawn that they can make decisions for me based on what they believe. What next? How many kids I can have?

I am Catholic, but I'm not blind.

Anyway, I'm climbing down from my soapbox now. This is just the way I feel and I had to get it out.

What do you RAD moms do?

In a flash of desperation brilliance, it occurred to me that I should ask all of you mothers out there (I know the title says RAD mothers, but really we all need help sometime, right?) what is it that you do?

Since I don't have the professional help I need, please tell me what you've been taught/advised, etc... Even if you think it won't help. I am asking and I won't hold anybody accountable for anything. But I need to know.

Mattresses on the floor-- child abuse? or ok?
Reason: stuffing peed clothing, stolen items and hoarded food underneath.

I'm going to install locks on all doors the kids don't need access to. I've gone out and bought them. How do you RAD/Kid Proof your home?

How do you find time for yourself when your kids are like, on vacation or something (my kids are home all day, all night, every day that's why I am asking. They don't nap either. Quiet time is a disaster)? Showers, brushing teeth and hair. If I get up early, they seem to already be awake.

What tips, advice have helped you the most? What do you wish you would've known from the start?

I've been fighting the urge to pick myself up because I feel like when I do, I am just fooling myself for a little while longer, you know? But it's not in my DNA to just sit around and mope and do nothing and I think that is what is bringing me down the most. That helpless feeling. I mean, I'm actually counting on a call from a social worker from CA. But really, she has no obligation to call me back at all, what if she doesn't?

I've just wasted more time.

What is feeling like a loser really accomplishing right now? Not a damn thing. The kids have been showered and fed oatmeal and they are in their rooms seperating out their clothes (so I hope). My plan is to take out everything but the mattresses so I can see what's going on. They can't put peed clothes or stolen items in the dressers or in their pillow cases. I will give them their blankets and pillows at night, when they need them, they have no use for that stuff during the day. I mean that's not abuse is it?

Has anyone had kids in residential. Are they on lockdown so they can keep track of them or has anyone been told it's ok to keep kids in their room and switch them out when they can be supervised? I mean, I'll need to do that until I finish RAD proofing my house at least anyway. But I also have to homeschool them,so it's not like it will be a cell for them or anything.

I need to know what they have told you is ok in the interest of health and safety. I have no idea.

Change

I'm guessing I will hear from the old social worker today, with the holiday and all. I'm not sure what I am going to ask her. I was thinking first about residential treatment and who pays for it and then more about disruption/dissolution.

I just can't believe I have a 6,7, and 8 year old peeing in their rooms. Yep, the 8 year old joined the bandwagon. She claimed because she's scared to ask me but I know it's total bullshit. If anyone is scared in this house it is me.

I'm scared of what these kids can do to Hubs and I. They are so good at lying and manipulating. Everyone thinks they are little angels. I've written here how one child turned our last therapist against us. By the time I realized what had happened that therapist was so smug with herself thinking she had solved the case, I was a bad mother! Whatever.

When I called the 8 year old out on her lying, she pulled apart her glasses and broke them. Is it child abuse if I don't replace them anymore? They are just going to break them again. There's nothing I can do to stop it. These are already their second pairs. I say "they" because Poufy did the same exact thing to hers just because CDQ beat her at a game.

I have installed door alarms (thanks for the advice!) and a motion sensor. I can sleep better at night now. I've been trying to get the strong ammonia scent out of my house. I just don't know how. Does anyone know of anything that works? The best part, it's storming out here so we have to keep the house closed up. Lovely.

We are already in the process of selling this house and I am freaking out because of the smell. Who's going to want to rent this place. I had a beautiful house. Our property value has gone down. Not because of the market and the economy but because of the destruction that these kids have done to it. What am I supposed to do about that? Just deal with it because I have a half sister who is a murdering whore?

I know some people are new here. I never intended to adopt. Hell, I never really intended to have children. Hubs wanted children and I started to concede on it and then wham! My 1 year old niece was basically murdered by her parents and the rest of my nieces and nephew were taken away and had no one to go with but us. I was hearing that they were being abused in foster care.

Their stay was supposed to be temporary. It wasn't until after they dropped the kids off from CA here in NM that they told us there weren't any plans for reunification. I mean the kids still had visitation and phone calls (although either never happened). Their mother was supposed to be taking parenting classes and going to therapy. What for? If it wasn't for reunification what for?

We didn't find out about RAD until we had already signed intents to adopt. The kids were normal, just shaken up for about 6 months after they arrived. I've been told I should be happy I got a 6 month honeymoon period. At times, I think my kids didn't have RAD. I think therapy gave them RAD. I mean, maybe some of them had it, but not all.

The therapy they were going to just kept rehashing the day their sister died and they were taken away. Over and over and over again. It was making it worse but I didn't understand because they told me as the kids worked through this stuff, it would get bad.

I really think at this point, I have one child who is the cause of this turmoil. One who really needs something. I'm not sure if removal is the answer because she's good at what she does. The boy just follows what everyone (except me) tells him. Everything is "ok". CDQ is a habitual liar. But I'm sure once she's where ever she is at she will tell everyone I called her a "bitch". Because that's all she heard when I said habitual liar to my husband in our room by ourselves having a private conversation.

A huge part of me just wants my life back. I want to have privacy. I want to have showers. I want to have freedom.

I don't have respite help. There are no foster parents out here who will watch my kids. Social workers washed their hands of us before the ink was even dry. Hell, before the plane even landed in NM when they delivered the kids! When I asked for help, I was threatened by NM social workers that the children would be taken away. I should've let them. They insist it wasn't a threat but when someone says "If you can't provide and care for the children, they will be removed." that's a pretty damn good threat in my eyes.

I can't even leave the kid's with Hubs for an actual break for a few hours because before I am even leaving the driveway, Hubs can hear Poufy announcing to the other kids that she "thinks she's gone now." and they go crazy because Hubs can't do anything about it. He has no use of his arms and legs and can only tell them what to do. They act like he's not even there talking to him. That pisses me off so much. Rotten little devils. I can only imagine what it is going to be like when they get older.

I don't know what to do. The seemingly "easiest" thing to do is just to send them back. But then I hear I'll have to pay child support which just amuses me to no end because their parents never paid a penny, but I have to? How am I supposed to do that when I completely shut down my consulting business and decided I would just go totally poor to be here for these kids? Am I supposed to just pick up where I left off 2.5 years ago and it's supposed to be all good? My clients are gone. Hell, I'm sure the jobs are gone.

We are going to have a higher payment on this house and we have offers out on other houses. What do I do if I find out that they have to go and I've bought this larger house that I don't need?

It's all one big clusterfuck that I don't know how to fix. I wish I would have never agreed to letting them come stay with us in the first place. Even if everything pans out in the end, it will be the biggest regret of my entire life.

Disruption

I've written so many posts and have published none of them.

I've hit the bottom. I called the kid's social worker from before the adoption to find out what my options are. From what I can tell my options are that I can return the children and pay child support for them until they are 18.

I found a place nearby who deals with kids like mine. Problem is they deal with them for $350 a day for 18 months. I have 4 kids that need to go there. California won't pay for it. They haven't called me back but I'm pretty sure they won't pay for it.

Since the kids have been removed from Resperdal (sp?) , they have gone further backwards then they ever have before. They were on a different pill Seroquel (sp?) and it's done nothing. I stopped the pill all it did was make them tired and all they did was fight it and become increasingly out of control. My house smells like one huge litter box because the two youngest decided their bedrooms are where they are going to pee. I can't seem to get the smell out.

They've broken things that I have fixed already. I'm at a loss. I don't think I can help them. I think I am making it worse. I've tried everything I can think of. I even resorted to spanking. What's disturbing is that the boy enjoys it. Seriously, he has a giant smirk on his face. I'm afraid he's going to be one of those that grows up and kills people.

Today they acted like we weren't even here. They did whatever they wanted as if we weren't talking to them or even alive. I wanted to call someone (but who?) or leave them at CYFD out here. But then I'd go to jail for abandonment.

I don't have any help at all. No respite. No family. No friends. No team of people to help me. Just hubs and he gave up today as well.

I thought when I read Donetta's post earlier it was a sign for me to hang in there and that it would be ok. But I don't think I can anymore. I've tried everything except residential treatment.

We've put in a full offer on the house we need but I don't think they will accept it. They really think they can get more at foreclosure which is stupid because no one has put in a bid as high as ours. Not even close.

All day long as they behaved as assholes, I tried so hard to think of something I could do or try. I thought maybe I could even get my sister to come. Maybe if Hubs and I could just get a break from them, maybe I could deal with it or something. But my sister just went back to work this week and she can't take any time off. Just another sign I guess that we are at the end of the road.

I haven't said anything here on my blog. I wrote a post but never published. My health seems to be turning. I've been in a lot of constant pain for over a year now and it's just getting worse. I think I have arthritis because I can see my joints in my hands turning and my knees are always cracking and feeling like they are out of joint. Even Aleve, Tylenol and Motrin aren't working. This is bad because I used to take one children't chewable Tylenol and I would be out in under 10 minutes. I'm not exaggerating. That is how low my tolerance for medication was. Sometimes I am up all night in pain to the point of tears. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't think the stress is helping anything.

If something doesn't give, we are going to have to disrupt/dissolve this adoption. The kids have no desire to stop what they are doing. So help is going to have to come from somewhere. I just can't take anymore.

It will be a miracle...

So, the loan on our current house is currently in underwriting which I guess is the last step for this house to be sold. We are supposed to know more on Monday or Tuesday.

Along that same vein, I talked to the realtor about the house we have an offer on. We should have a final answer some time Monday or Tuesday. The Realtor selling the other house finally got ahold of someone at the second bank, from my understanding, and he was told that they felt they could get more money if they foreclosed.

It is also my understanding that the selling realtor has put in a lot of work to sell this home and doesn't want to lose the sale. It was said that we have put in a great offer and the bank doesn't care about the gazillion pictures of stuff that needs to be fixed nor the ones that apparently the selling realtor also submitted to let them know "hey, you really are getting a great offer and NO ONE else has even come close to our bid." Apparently, they had the house "realtor appraised" a while back and were told they could get more for it. The fact that no one's even bid more than $200,000 (well, except for us, we wanted to be fair), should be a clue to them.

Really, I have searched high and low, we are asking our realtor to look into foreclosures and new construction even because I need, NEED, NEEEEEEEEDDDDDD to have these kids separated before I return them. We are back to square 1 with them because the assholes at the insurance company refuse to give them what they need. As I told the woman, the kid's other drug is a generic and I have no problem with it because it works. I told her they could give them a sugar cube and I wouldn't care as long as it worked. Seriously. I wouldn't.

But 4 kids, lying and stealing, destroying and physically hurting each other. It's getting bad. I've got to say it now. Just in case one of those "super" parents who has nothing on their mind but the one child they are trying to attain sainthood with is reading this. You guys know who I am talking about, no? I'm sure you've read them on other people's blogs.

Don't fuck with me. You have no idea.

I get so tired of some parents with special needs kids who think they are the shit because they will deal with whatever comes their way no matter what. It's not so cut and dry for other people. It can be too much and it comes to a point where that parent is no longer what's best for the child. Why can't those parents see that? They see it as someone not trying hard, someone being a wuss, someone letting a kid down. We don't know the whole story behind anything we read out here. I just can't see why we can't support each other. Instead of stabbing one another in the back. You know?

Anyway, sorry about the rant, but it's been a long time coming. I have all 4 home now and I am homeschooling because I am afraid of what they will do at school. The lying is outrageous and the stealing. I know they are stealing from us. But the stuff I've been finding in the laundry. I can't even imagine.

The other house is the only house apparently in the state, that will accommodate everything we need and is in our price range. When I say everything, I mean everything. This house has a large rec room where I could even do the girl scout meetings and ceremonies easily. Why would this mean so much? I wouldn't be leaving hubs alone for such a long time ( 2 hours) and I wouldn't be far away in case he needed me. That stresses me out to no end while I am running the meetings. I'm always afraid he's going to call me with trouble and I will be stuck because I can't leave the girls.

All I can do is pray. I hate to put so much on this house, but I just know in my heart it's the answer, you know? I know the kids aren't going to become angels, but I also know that I will be able to police them better if they could be separated.

I suspect CDQ is physically abusing the boy but I can't catch her doing it and he won't exactly tell on her. I'm trying to gain his trust but he's just a shell. I can't put him anywhere else. I can't have either one of them, or anyone of them for that matter out loose in the house because of the stealing.

I don't know, I can go on and on. But, at this rate, it looks like this house is the only one out there. It truly would be a miracle from God for us to close on this house Monday or Tuesday and hear from the other house (good news hopefully) on either of those days as well.

I will keep you posted. I know a lot of you are hoping for the best for us and we appreciate it so much.

Hope all is well~!

Pass It On...

A confession

This may mean something to you and it may not... I do not like Elizabeth from The View. In fact, I call her Elizabitch.

I hadn't really watched The View since Rosie's departure. I don't claim to know Rosie by any stretch but I felt she got a raw deal. She is who she is and how she is without apology and she didn't change for anyone. Whether she's right or not...who's really to say. It's her opinion and she backs it up.

It could be said that people might feel the same way about Elizabitch. It would be a hard stretch for me to see it, but I would be open minded to it. I would at least try to see if I could figure out what is going through her mind.

But today, today she just reinforced everything I've been thinking about her since I started watching The View and then not. She's in my age range, I believe, so she is supposed to speak for my group. But she embarrasses me.



See, I thought Barbara Walters DID NOT put her on the spot but gave her a platform to have her say since she is often drowned out. I stopped what I was doing when Barbara Walters asked her to give 4 reasons why Sarah Palin would be basically a good choice. I wanted to hear what she had to say.

Really, I did.

I was expecting her to have some kind of intelligent answers to the question but instead she actually pulled a Sarah Palin and what I am now referring to as Republican Politician Speak. That would be avoiding a real answer, answering with a question, or putting the opponent down.

Before anyone gets their panties in a wad. Please understand. My horse is out of the race, so to speak...so I had no idea who or what I was going to vote for. But I've gotta say. I'm really sick of John McCain's mudslinging.

Don't get me wrong, I am sure it's going on both sides. But I truly have yet to hear what the hell McCain and Palin have in mind for the country. There's never an answer.

I sat down totally open-minded to the debate and I have to say I came away with ideas of what Obama's plans are for us and absolutely nothing from McCain's side. I wanted them to get down to the nitty gritty, use the time to make your case for what you want to do, not to spend your time bs'ing and attacking.

Some of my kids watched the debate. My 9 year old said she didn't like the "other" guy. She wanted Obama to win. This intrigued me, so I bit.

Me: "Why?"
SS: "Because Obama's better."
Me: "Oookay. But why?"
SS: "Obama seems to really care about us and the United States."

Interesting point of view from a nine year old.

I don't want to be like Elizabitch. I don't want to be so hardpressed to get a win for my "team" that I can't even see what's in front of me. I felt so let down when she didn't have a real answer. Maybe, it's because she seemed so matter of fact and so like she knew what was what. Sure she was mudslinging too. But as much as I dislike her, I expected more from her. Instead, she left me feeling that maybe, just maybe none of the people on her "team" know what the hell is going on.

I will sit down and watch the VP debate. But I can't help but feel it will be a trainwreck. More fodder for SNL. I'm not complaining. That stuff is so dead on and lord knows I need me some belly laughs. But after the initial laughter, it sinks in and then it's not so funny anymore. It really is just a heartbeat away, just a rigged election away and it does seem like "just anyone" can have it.