Another one about my health...

In my last post, I was frustrated.

I understand what my doctor is/was saying. I'd be more than happy not to have RA in fact, I have decided that I don't have it. (Hey, you in the back...I can hear you laughing.... :-p)

I know, wishful thinking.

I have something whether it's RA or something else and the fact is that I AM bringing it on myself because of the stress I am under. However, I am bringing it on myself in a subconscious way...mostly.

I think...

This is the frustrating part.

Let me tell you about PTSD.... PTSD is a bitch. My mind can't control my body's reaction. I can be going about my day and not even notice it's a day for CDQ to call and then the phone rings, it's after 4 pm and my stomach falls, my hands turn ice cold and start shaking. Mentally, I get angry because I can't control this and my anger turns into tears and I'm just a mess.  All because of this one kid, a ten year old nonetheless, who abused me.  I know I shouldn't feel this way...but I feel embarrassed and ashamed because I'm supposed to be the adult and even when adults were abusing me, I never reacted this way.

Mentally, I am also aware of the fact that I am a victim regardless of my abusers age and my feelings and my reactions are in line with what I have been through. Logical right? Still doesn't make me feel better.

So that stress and conflict...that really messes with my body and flares.

Then there's the years of abuse that I am processing on my own.  I am processing the fact that I have never had a true family. I am mourning the fact that I will never really have a blood is thicker than water family that just has my back because I was born into that.  I have a family that has used me my entire life.  It's hard to type that because I'm sure someone is thinking ....well at least you have your mom or at least you have your grandmother...but the fact of the matter is they have me.  I had hoped so much that something would have changed but nope...it's still the same old crap.  As harsh as it may sound, that's the way I have to be with myself. I can't romanticize the situation...it is what is it.

I'm also struggling with the sexual abuse.  I have completely repressed and blocked out that abuse.  My Reiki treatment opened all that up and left me more open when my mind literally slammed the door in my face.  So, now, I deal with the things my body remembers and feels some nights. I continue to deal with flashbacks and bits and pieces.

I have tried my best to let go of the anger I have towards those who have abused my kids and my Hubbins.  I have come a long way because I no longer feel like I could kill someone.  Maybe I shouldn't put that in writing, but I truly don't feel the extreme anger I felt towards these abusers. I know God has them and I've always known deep down there is nothing I can do to those people that could ever make everything else alright, you know?

I'm also dealing with depression, loss of self, feelings of failure and just plain feeling like I've never lived. I realize I have spent the majority of my life raising other people's kids.  Twelve to be exact.  Twelve kids. From newborn to teen years.  Not always all at the same time and not all in consecutive developmental stages. None of these children were "normal".  Trauma was central, drug addictions, neglect, etc...  In the process of realizing this, I realized that my heart has never been light. It has been heavy with the hurt that all of these kids have endured because their parents wouldn't/couldn't be there for them.

I still relive the whole "Is that your mommy? Where's your mommy? Why is your mommy not here?" situation. I have been standing there seeing a child's heart break, seeing the pain and the let down to just see me there and hearing that conversation...let's see... It happened to A, C, G, P, T, S, A, A, A. So I've lived that NINE times at least once.  Not to mention having lived through it as a child myself except it wasn't my mother the other children asked about, it was my father.  I carry the fact that I can't understand how a MOTHER could do this to their child. How they can miss out the events that this situation has occurred in.  Mother/Daughter teas, awards assemblies, graduations, back to school nights, birthday parties, and on and on.  I know I've got the "good stuff too".   I do remember the frightened looks as they scanned the crowd and the ear to ear grins when they spot me and can breathe again.  I do remember chubby hands in mine dragging me to see their work on the wall or to meet their friends.  But those faces, those empty little faces...when they stare down at the ground and they don't know what to tell the person asking.  Those are haunting.

Lastly,  I am still mourning the loss of two children.  I may not have birthed them but it's still a loss.  The child I taught to walk, the child I taught to read, the child whose tears I wiped away because someone made fun of her because her mom doesn't want her.  That child hurt so bad she took her own life.  I don't necessarily mourn her death, but I mourn who she could've been before all the trauma and who she could've been if she had a chance after she was supposedly saved from her abusers.

I mourn the murder of my one year old niece who never had a chance from the start. I know she's in a better place now and I know that they can't hurt her anymore. But I can still smell that newborn scent from my Squishy's head even though I never got to see her after that. I knew she was a good baby.

These are some of the things I am living with. I haven't told my doctor any of it. He believes I have to let go of these things. He's probably right. It's a lot to cope with and since I didn't do it when it was all happening, here I am in the flood trying to keep my head above water.

But I'm going to be ok because I'm not alone and that is what got me through it all along.

*crickets chirping*

I hate the sound of crickets chirping.  Hate. it!

Sorry I've been away so long. I turned 35 at the end of last month and I was gifted with a heavy dose of depression. I think it may have been a total breakdown. I'm still having crying jags that are setting me off because I am not a crier. I hate crying. I used to only cry when I was mad or frustrated.

Things I have to blog about...

CDQ's lack of progress...
My doctor telling me that I am causing my own pain...

Hey it's all in my head. I'm so f'in magical I can turn my own fingers and deform my own knuckles. Isn't that a bitchin' super power to have?

Honestly, I don't know what my doctor's strategy is but I'm all for NOT having RA. Even though I have all the signs of RA, there's the one thing about my symmetrical pain that makes him think it's not RA.

I've asked God for a miracle. Please don't let me have RA. So I guess I should shorten my bitching and moaning, huh?

Maybe God's just helping me out?  In which case, let's just count this post as the one about my doctor telling me I cause my own pain...mmm'kay?

I do have to thank a reader for her comment on one of my RA posts. Chanele-- I was in a puddle of tears and angry and feeling like I was in denial about the RA (ironically this was before I saw my doctor) and needing to snap out of it the moment your comment came through. I hope you come back and see this. I appreciate your comment and your encouraging words of support. They mean more than you will ever know.

Hope all is well with everyone :-)