Why beyond consequences therapy did not work for us.

So, those of you who have been reading here for awhile have read about the therapy maze we have weaved through.

Initially, I loved our very first therapist. I got his point. I totally understood where he was going BUT my kids didn't get him. He was more for the older child. I was really bummed to let him go. I still wish things could've worked out with him because he really was a great therapist, just not trained in what we needed. In fact, with the exception of CDQ's issues, he would be an awesome family therapist for the rest of us where we are now.

Then I had the therapist from hell. At first, I thought she was exactly what we needed but then things started getting weird. She asked me a lot of questions and met with me for longer periods than she met with my children. She would get so exasperated by my kids because they wouldn't comply with her ideas of how they should react. She said she knew about RAD and she taught me the hold.  But in the end, she had only read Nancy Thomas' book and really didn't know any more than I did.  I will always regret listening to her because before her, I had never spanked a child in my life.  The spanking crap didn't last long because of several reasons: 1.) I told her it had never worked on their mother and 2.) I was already developing RA and the veins in my fingers were busting already for no reason at all. 3) I HATED it.

I have apologized many times to my children for that mistake and the no spanking rule has been in effect since before I terminated that therapist.  Of course, on our way out, she threatened me that she would report me but couldn't tell me why.  Nice huh?

Then at the beginning of this year we found an actual attachment therapist. I was so excited. I thought we had found the answer.  But at the first meeting, I should have listened to my gut.  I have it documented in this very blog that she said she didn't really work with the kids, she taught the parents how to deal with their children.  But after her first meeting with CDQ, I was given forms to sign...video consents..not just to record her, but to show her videos at conferences and training sessions. I gave them permission because I thought it could help other people and more importantly she told me she would be showing them to another therapist who was a visiting expert.

As I've noted, from day 1 I wasn't allowed in the room. I should've said no and brought her home instead, but I let her go and she said she was ok. The whole thing was a disaster. I took the training for Heather Forbes and Dr. Post but it was not the right therapy for CDQ.

The whole premise is that you let your child vent and when they are regulated you can speak with them and they will hear you. But what happens when you have a child who never regulates? or when you have a child who quickly becomes disregulated when you try to say anything they don't agree with or perceive to be parenting?

I'll tell you what happens...you become the child's doormat/punching bag.  Then you have a therapist who tells you to agree with the child no matter what disgusting lies they are telling about you and others so that the child will feel supported because it is what the child believes....

*sigh*

So the child believes everything they are saying and you have effectively confirmed their lies to be true because you nodded like a dumbshit and and kept telling yourself "it's not really about you, it's not really about you." like a good little puppet. Even when the kid tells you it seems like "you're kissing her butt."

One might ask why I put up with all this?

I was desperate.

I was also terrified. Despite what my state wants to say I misunderstood, I was told that they would take the kids away from me if I couldn't care for them. This is when I was asking for therapy recommendations.

That rocked me to my core. I believed they had the power.  I still believe they have the power. But as of today, I am not afraid. I have not done anything wrong.  If the spanking was wrong...well then they better start collecting everyone else's kids too.  I've been absolutely terrified that my kids would be taken from me.   I promised them and I am not like everyone else.   Even our last name is linked to that promise.  I don't take promises lightly and I don't make very many.

But today, I understood. It is better for me to stand up to CDQ ,who is a child but who is also an abuser in our home, and finally be that role model that shows them there are nonviolent ways to stick up for yourself and that abuse is not the norm. Also, walking on eggshells probably just solidifies any previous lifestyle they had become to believe was the norm. If you're being abused just look the other way, don't rock the boat, etc....

I have come to realize that even if they were to take my children, it would all be unfounded and they would come back to me and they would know the real reasons why... I know there's no point in worrying about this when it may never come to pass but I'm still working on that and I still need to feel like I have rights and I can protect my children.

My therapist has been telling me to express to CDQ how she makes me feel, but I didn't want to rock the boat. CDQ's new therapist told me that I'm allowed to say whatever I want and I don't have to cater to her every need. It's not going to be like that in the real world. At the new place, they are helping CDQ deal with the real world and not getting her way.  They told her I might not have time for her, they told her I might not want to talk to her and they told her she might not like what I have to say. But she was going to have to deal with it and that went for anyone, anywhere in the world.

In my eyes, this new therapy is going to prepare her for the real world. It's all about communication and respect with a little empathy thrown in there. I can't see anything wrong with that and at this point, what do I have left?

Ever have too much to write about?

I don't even know where to start anymore.  I will write again...I'm just in that place where I don't really know what the hell is going on and I write one thing and it turns out to be another, anyone else out there shaking your head in agreement?

I've also been in this weird funk.  Maybe it's the transitioning of CDQ to new therapy, maybe it's the new "symptoms" in my grandmother, or maybe it's my reflections on the last year and my entire life.  I know it's pointless to reflect on choices made since they can't be undone and hindsight and all that.

I'm trying to figure out how to change all this mess. To own it and make it mine, so to speak.  I seem to be constantly at a crossroads and instead of being as sure as I was in the past, I'm in this puppet mode trying to figure out what "professionals" think is right.  (Funny thing, the new professionals think that whatever *I* want to do is right. Imagine that? Too bad they weren't the first and only pros because now I feel so clueless I have to figure it out all over again. I think...)

I'm not just talking about my kids, in fact, I'm not even sure any of this is about them.

I struggle with my choices, these have been the hardest years of my life. With my birthday approaching next month and the new year approaching even sooner, I'm in this limbo. I have huge life changing decisions to make.  Decisions about where my life begins.  Decisions that if left unmade will leave me wondering "what if..." forever.  I'm also in that place where I am noticing that I am preparing for "the worst". I gotta make sure things are a certain way and as much of the work is done now.

For example, this year- Christmas decorations.  They have to all be packed a certain way and hooks and stuff must be on the ornaments, and well, it's hard to explain. I'm used to packing it all a certain way. But this time it may seem excessive, but I don't think my hands are going to be any better next year and living in denial about it isn't going to keep me from being depressed next year when it may be even harder than this year was to pull it all together.

Hubbins Grandfather passed on Christmas Day.  I don't know why *I* am having a hard time with it. I haven't said anything to Hubbins about it. I won't either. I guess- it's just... I didn't really talk to his Grandfather much- and Hubbins family situation isn't so great and I ended up being the scapegoat. But his Grandpa called my cell phone when he was returning (Hubbins had used the cell to call him)  phone calls a few days before, he just sounded so well and happy. He even called me Hon. I didn't think it was the end. I thought the call was about Hubbins brother who is still in the hospital.

There's just a lot weighing on my mind and no concrete answers or decisions.  I've been consulting with God but He may be a little put out with me because of my indecisiveness.  :-)  (Sorry, didn't want to leave everything so dreary.)

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Onward to the New Year....

Takenlife...

I wrote this last month but thought I would post it now while I gather my thoughts about everything that has happened around here and write about it.
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I don't know if you guys have noticed, but my URL is takenlife.blogspot.com.

When I choose that URL, it is how I felt. Like my life had been taken from me. I've had a fear of this forever, but perhaps my grandmother is the reason I fear losing my life.

The reason I am talking about this right now is because yesterday was her birthday. Her 84th birthday. For those who have been following my blog, you may have gleaned that my grandmother has been in an abusive marriage for over 50 years.

50 years. It takes my breath away.

I lived with her and my grandfather until I was about 9 years old.  She raised me. In the times that I can remember, she was never truly happy. She was depressed, always sad, always trying to tell someone the awful things that my grandfather did to her and even then the things she shared with whoever would listen over and over again didn't even make a dent in the heartless things he did to her.

I can remember sitting next to my grandfather on the couch and him telling me how beautiful the half dressed women on the mexican tv station were, the ones who were dancing around on the screen.  He would tell me that they were more beautiful then my ugly mama (meaning my grandmother). This with my grandmother sitting less than 3 ft away.  I would tell him he was wrong and that my "Mom" (that's what I called her) was the beautiful-ist Mom in the whole wide world. He would tell me she wasn't. And just in case you thought he was kidding, he would then tell me that I was replaceable. That if I didn't behave he would replace me with some mythical girl from down the street.

I grew up and got away from him. I ended up being banned from his house because I wouldn't disown my biological Aunt, his step-child. My grandmother didn't get away. When I was in my early 20's I asked her why she didn't just leave him. She told me it was too late. She said she was too old.

Then earlier this year I was shocked when I spoke to her on the phone and she told me she wanted to visit me after years of not seeing each other. I told her she was more than welcome. The night she got here, she sat in my recliner and she told me that she really missed me and thought about me a lot over the years.  See-- when I was banned from that house, I never looked back. I felt my grandmother had made her decision and I would only see her when she came out to our state and visited out there. She also told me about how she was so glad she got to see me one last time. That broke my heart.

Very shortly, I would learn that her children were acting like she had one foot in the grave and that her husband had been robbing her blind. She was broke. While she was here visiting me she told me of the awful things he has done since, she even went farther back and told of ways he had taken her money and forced her to sign documents, he even forged her name.  She confided that she was terrified she would have no place to live because he had forced her to sign a paper that basically meant if something happened to him she would have to pay $847 to live in her own home. A reverse mortgage maybe? I don't know.

I told her she could stay here as long as she wanted and that is what she has done. She has not asked to go back. I do hear her tell people on the phone that she is going to visit them on the weekends but she tells everyone she encounters here that she has moved here.  She keeps telling people she is happy here. She is fed well, she goes to the (senior) center and exercises and she goes places.

Back home she sat in a recliner and watched tv all day. Nobody cared. Now that she is here, her children are concerned.  They are concerned we are taking her money. Isn't that a hoot?  My grandmother has three accounts now: Christmas club, savings and checking. She is doing well. She has new clothes. She has everything she wants.

She is "allowed" to have saints and flowers and whatever she wants decorating her space without being yelled at or told it isn't her house to do these things. Yes, her husband would not let her have flowers in the house or much of anything else. I tried to give her a room but she wants to stay in the living room because she is in the middle of the action. lol

Halloween 2010

I have never seen my grandmother so happy. I had never heard her true laugh or even a belly laugh until now and I am cherishing it all.

She asked me to be her Power of Attorney effective immediately when her children tried to have her declared incompetent. But I still live in fear that her kids will do something to take her from here. One of her son's who is just like his father believes my grandmother "belongs" with her husband.  He's trying to stir up trouble.

They have been attacking my mother and trying to get her arrested for things like kidnapping my grandmother (which obviously isn't true) to filing missing person reports. It's been stressful. I've been researching how to protect my grandmother since it appears that she may be in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

I know it's easy to be in denial. But I'm not so sure that my grandmother has Alzheimer's. It's more like she's checked out and is creating the life and family she wished she had.  Her brain scans came back normal. If someone rubs her the wrong way she is alert as can be, but if something is stressful or uncomfortable (her children asking her when she's coming back) she disassociates, just like our RAD kids do.  She even gets stress eczema and picks at her face. I don't know.

I want more than anything to keep her safe and I hope that is God's plan too.  I hope to meet with a lawyer to see if there is anything more I can do. I feel like right now is the time that she's getting some of her life back, I don't want the belly laughs and chuckles behind her hand to end for her.  I don't want her entire life to be gone and taken from her by all the selfish people around her.

A little lost...

So much has happened... I don't think I've ever written a bullet post but I will today and  I will write the bullets in order of events and not importance.

• Our dog, Ava, passed away. She was 16 years old and we'd had her for the past 4 years. She had really bad arthritis and I know she is running in Heaven now, playing and doing all the things she dreamed of. 
• I traded in our big van for a small car. A really small car. I've started the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover program and we are cutting back everywhere. We started by buying a car that is a little more than less of half of what we owed and our payments are 1/3 of the old one!
• The trade in ended up being a HUGE deal for us and the dealership gained no profit, my van wasn't upside down and they paid it in full and then found out they had to lower the price of the car I was buying by $2,000 in order to sell it to me...why I say this...I'm still dealing with the dealership which was reluctant at first to be cooperative but have since determined that they would have a greater loss since they've paid off my van and I can still cancel my current contract on our new to us car.  Effectively making it a car sale from me to them and not the other way around. All I can say is God is so good because I left the entire thing in his hands. In fact, if I remember I should write a post about the whole experience. 
• Adult Protective Services were actually called out to my house by the asswipes that are supposed to be family. Of course my Grandmother is doing awesome now and she actually spoke of some of the abuse from her husband. I'm waiting on a return call because it turns out the asswipes opened a whole new can of worms for themselves in their state and I am going to be given resources to contact to help my grandmother stay safe. 
• I've been reluctant to post about this, but for now, all  I will say is that CDQ has been hospitalized for her behaviors. At this moment, all my kids are safe. There are so many emotions and it all feels so unreal. 
• Bela's birthday was on the 7th. She would have been 5. She would have been in preschool and she probably would have been so excited to be old enough to start kindergarten next year.
• Last night we got a scary call from Hubbin's family. They thought his brother had a heart attack but no one knows for sure. All we know is that he has congestive heart failure and pneumonia.  We think he's going to be ok now. Not sure though. 
• Hubbins started acupuncture two weeks ago. It seems to be working for him, although he is playing the skeptic because almost all his needles go in his head! We have our acupuncture done at the same time and I can tell you it's the first time I have seen his face relaxed in all the years I have known him. 

I'm actually doing a procedure on Hubbins so this is where I am going to end it. There has been so much going on and so much chaos that I am feeling quite lost these days and hoping the whirlwind will slow down. 

Hope all is well with you all :-) 

Hanging In Here...

I've written posts, mainly about my grandmother... Since it seems this might take a legal route, I'm kind of hesitant to post them.  I've been going back and forth. There's nothing wrong in them. In fact they would probably be great documentation. I just worry if those "who are out to get her" stumble here and find out our next move and try to stop us.  Sheesh, who needs enemies when you have family like this?  Ya know?

I have a lot of catching up to do around this little part of my internet, many new chapters happening in our lives right now.  So many changes since the last time I posted.

GOOD CHANGES!

Thank God, I am finally on the right track and seeing the rewards of it.  All these years that people have told me that I would be rewarded for my deeds, I didn't want any stupid reward.  I didn't realize what reward meant.  I guess I thought it was something grand, I didn't realize it was the simple things in life.  Crazy me.

So for now, I have some homeschool stuff to ready for the week so this will be short. Thank you, my readers, for your patience.  I'm so excited knowing there are others out there who understand and care.

Here's a treat I left for my kids at the lunch table.  I love this and it comes from the "God wants you to know..." app on FB.

 I think it's a great message.

Hope all is well with everyone and that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Validation vs. Reflection

I 've been thinking a lot about validation. I hate it. I don't want my children looking to other people to validate them. Unfortunately, CDQ looks to everyone to validate her and also unfortunately, that is what her therapist does, validate her I mean... 

I am fully aware that CDQs self esteem and confidence is non existent.  I've been working on my kids confidence issues. Some of them are slowly budding and others, like the boy, don't believe me when I tell him he's awesome. 

CDQ has come to me and told me that she loves herself, her lips, etc... I told her that was great and that was not the answer she wanted. I could see on her face that she wanted me to parrot back to her what she had just said. I wouldn't do it. I told her if that is how she felt, that is all that matters and God made her just the way she is on purpose. It tears me apart because I don't want to hurt her but I want HER to KNOW  about herself and not to look to others. Does that make sense? 

An awful family cycle we have has to do with the women seeking validation from men and the men verbally and physically abusing them and tearing them down. It has stopped with me. But now I need it to stop with them.  I can even see the boy getting into a relationship where a woman mistreats him. 

I was upset with the therapist because I explained to her that CDQ was upset with me because I told her she couldn't wear her purple dress anymore.  You see, like 4 months ago or so, the therapist (AT) told her she looked so pretty in it.  Since then she has tried to wear it every single time to therapy.  I had already pointed this out to AT.  So, once again, I thought I would point it out. 

This is what I got...

AT: So she's mad at you?

ME: Yes. 

Silence. 

AT: Well, the way I see it, you can let her wear it until it is so tight it is uncomfortable and she won't wear it anymore (me- thinking it's already at that point-- we can see her nipples it's so tight) or she can be mad at you. 

Ok, I was thinking not nice things...like "sure, I can be the bitch and you can be her savior." 

I just stared at the AT. 

She told me that she also commented (that day) on a bracelet CDQ was wearing and she told her the bracelet was valuable. Just like CDQ was. The AT told me that I should tell her things like that too. 

Um... *sigh* I just want to scream NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm not sure what she was talking about but my daughter was wearing a plastic beaded bracelet that she had made in therapy that might be worth a dollar or so. That's my daughter's value? But more importantly- WHY THE HELL ARE YOU OBJECTIFYING MY DAUGHTER AND TEACHING HER TO DO IT TO HERSELF?!?

I had to stop typing to wring my hands just now.  I know I lean on the side of feminists but I do not think I am going overboard with this. What she is trying to accomplish and what she is actually doing are two different things. 

I don't drop her at this point because CDQ is attached to her. This should not have happened.  But CDQ cannot take another loss.  She's way too fragile.  I'm just working extra hard on my end to undo the wrong things that come up and hopefully as CDQ gets stronger, we can pull away from the AT. 

One thing that has inspired me is Donetta's post.  In her post she talks about creating a list of 100 things that you love about those you love to remind you of what is special about them. 

More specifically she says: "What matters most is how we see our self. So it is new eyes that the kids need to look into the reflection of who they are. I must be a mirror for them."

The first thought that came to mind was the type of mother I was to them before I got sick. I showed them I cared by doing for them. I slipped little notes in their backpacks or wrote on random pages in their spiral notebooks telling them they were special or smart or that I was thankful for them or something they had done.  I'd even leave little notecards with Hershey's kisses taped to them on their beds waiting for them when they came home from school.  All that stopped when I got sick.  I had even forgotten about it. 

I was being a mirror for them without even knowing it  and it just stopped. That must have hurt them so much.  Made them think it was about them when it was about me. I was broken into shards and reflecting myself to them. 

I'm going to change that. I am going to start surprising them again.  I'm going to be a mirror and show them how to find the best parts of them from within themselves WITHOUT teaching them to go to someone (anyone) for validation. 

We want our kids to know that we love them. But isn't that what we are all trying to do in some way or another- teach our kids to love and know themselves unconditionally?

My first Reiki experience...

I had my first Reiki experience a week and a half ago.  I wasn't nervous or anything like that. I trust the person who was doing it. I just wasn't prepared for what happened.

I stretched out on her couch and she told me that I should have an intent. She said it could be to be pain- free or to release negativity. Stuff like that... since I had just come from acupuncture, I was feeling great. So I said why not do releasing negativity.

So after she found her center.  She started by lightly touching my face and moved down behind my head, heart, etc...This continues until she reaches my feet. That is how she explained it to me.

I started focusing on CDQ figuring that's where most of my negativity probably was at.  So I told myself to let go of the ways she's hurt me and the other kids and all the things from the past, etc... it sounded way better in my head. Then I thought it flowed so well I should try Hubbins.  I actually had no negativity for him but there were people who had abused him in his past who apparently I was still angry about because they floated into my mind and surprised me.  I started to think about how I didn't know that those people were still an after thought in my mind.

I wondered what else was lingering there when my mind like a door, literally just slammed shut and it was total darkness. I checked out right in the middle of the session. I came back to the room when I felt a vibration on my feet.  Literally minutes before she told me it was over.

The thing was, even though I checked out. I likened the experience to a ride at Disneyland. You know when you're floating in the boat and they show you a scene then you float through darkness and come upon another scene. That's what it was like, but I didn't see the scenes, I felt them.  So, I actually recalled the last "scene" I was given before my mind took me away.

The "scene" was the formal living room. I was 19 years old.  Somehow, my stepfather had me pinned to the floor. I don't know how I got there. I wasn't one to play the "wrestling game" so that means I must've been caught coming in the front door or something because I didn't hang out either.  Anyhow,  what I felt was me fighting, biting with all my might and scratching and digging my nails into him.  But it did no good. I know my sisters were in the other room and so were my nieces and nephew (previous set, not the one's I'm raising now.)  I was screaming HELP! between biting him.  Nothing...

I checked out at that point. I don't ever remember getting out of that situation.  Like how it ended, I've remembered it before. But I never thought about how it ended. When I left the office, I was a little devastated.

I don't know how it ended. But I do know that my sister T told me if something happened between me and her father, she would take her father's side no matter what.  At the time I was seriously hurt and scared because I didn't know what she was talking about.  I moved out the very next week.  That's when I left the other kids behind.  I was feeling devastated because now I was seeing T's comment in a different context.

What if I checked out and she saw something and thought I was actually participating in something?  What if that's what she was telling me? I know I had woken up on different occasions where he was sitting on the edge of my bed. Up until this session, I had thought I had woken up because he sat on my bed. Now I don't know.

I just don't know.

There's another part to this that I am just not ready to share yet.  I don't know if I'll ever be.                                            

The things I don't say...

I've kept quite a bit to myself since my mother moved here.  I don't want to appear ungrateful, which when I type it, it sounds so stupid.

What it boils down to is my mom fed me a crock of it and I believed it, yet again.

Believe it or not, as I am typing now, I am feeling very factual and not the least bit angry.

The only support that I know I have for sure is that if someone needs to go to the hospital, I have an adult present in my home.

I pay my mother half my paycheck to live here and take care of my grandmother mainly.  Yep.  That's how that went down.  I had to persuade her to take CDQ to therapy so I could do a procedure on Hubbins today.  She'll say BS to this but I know the truth.

Meanwhile, there's been so much crap and drama revolving around my grandmother it's soooo pathetic.  My grandmother ended up asking me to be her Power of Attorney, because the short story is they tried to declare her incompetent in her state. By they, I mean her crazy stupid children (2 of them, who ironically are JUST LIKE their abusive father) and her abusive husband. So I'm just waiting for that circus car to come and unload here.

Speaking of circus cars unloading, I think my mom is trying to move my sisters here, in which case I will go into financial ruin to move and leave yet again. I already told her no. But my words fall on deaf ears. So I've given it to God and asked him to please have some consideration (I know, it's like a kid trying to tell the parent what to do.)

In the meantime, My grandmother has lost 26 lbs, her blood sugar is finally regulated, she's going regularly to the senior center to exercise and eat lunch with her friends and she even attended her first Halloween Party in a costume this year!  She enjoys shopping for new clothes- everything is pink and purple! Plus, she has money to go shopping now. She even has savings again!  She's saving for new bottom teeth where she is missing three. lol!

She's also off the bad soda habit. Let me tell you though, get her anywhere near a soda case and she's like a football player. She almost knocked me over racing to the soda case and then I had to wrestle the soda out of her hand and pass her the diet green tea. Sheesh!

So, I've gained two more people to stress over, but I am staying positive.  For some reason, it seems God has deemed our house as a safe haven. I try to keep sight of that. But I can't save them all.  (This is where my mom would interject that she's not asking me to...but we already see where that has gone with my grandmother, right?)

I'm getting stronger. My acupuncture has been decreased to twice a week, my sinus problem is almost completely cleared and at the risk of tempting the RA Monster (and I only do this because I have acupuncture tomorrow. lol) I have had no significant flares.  Some stiffness here and there but a few hours after I take my herbs seems to help. The most helpful is getting a good nights sleep though.  Which I am so happy my day and nights aren't flipped anymore.

Oh, before I forget...I'm still reading blogs but having some problems on commenting. Sometimes blogger already has me logged in, other times, it won't accept my password and then other times it takes my password just fine.  I'm not sure what to do about that.

I think my next post is going to be about my first Reiki experience. I will tell you it was unsettling and left me a little shaken. But I'm ok now.

Acupuncture is like a nap in Heaven

So, in my last two sessions we have just been doing some maintenance, because up until Friday's session, I was only sore...not real pain.

In my last two sessions I have been able to doze off. With a few funny parts.

See, I do my sessions in a recliner instead of the massage table now.  I sleep in a recliner at home, which frankly may have to change soon since my sinus infection is clearing up and I'm now uncomfortable sleeping sitting up the way I used to.

The time before last, I had my first stress needle. The stress needle is put in the middle of the forehead. Because my days were flipped, I also had two needles sticking out of the side of my neck on each side (think Frankenstein).  I was a little tense to say the least.

He had put an ionic heater on pointing to my feet because my feet were cold and I had needles in them. Then he turns out the light and leaves for about an hour.

The funny part is I thought I had reclined all the way back in the chair before we started and here I am for the most part of 40 minutes stiff and not moving because I actually don't know why. I guess because being the nerd that I am, when he told me the heater was ionic and left me to my own devices, I started to wonder if he was talking about positive and negative ions and then I started thinking about ionic bonds and then covalent bonds came to mind and I was wondering if I was making this stuff up since I couldn't really remember what the hell they were....yes, it is crazy being me, in my head. lol

So I tell myself to lighten up and relax. Since I have the needles in, I start to do it bit by bit just in case, I release my feet, my legs, etc and I get to the top part of me and take a deep breath.  I'm thinking...this is awesome and then the recliner back decides to recline back to the full position! Ouch! But it was soooo funny it didn't bother me that much. I had to call him in to readjust the needle on the leg that flew up in automatic response to the back falling. But he knew EXACTLY where and what I was talking about when I told him what happened.

Then yesterday. I had to have the stress needle and the Frankenstein pins put in again in addition to some others, let's just say my mind makes it worse cause the actual physical thing is nothing. I mean I forget they are even there for the most part.  He turned on the little heater... I must stop and express my LUV for this heater.  It's like someone is gently blowing warm air towards your feet, like little whispers and then it shifts to feeling like a touch less massage that is going through your feet which I adore because I don't like people touching me.  It's so relaxing.

For me, since I wasn't thinking about bonds or something, this last time it relaxed my feet, then my legs, and I could feel this shift in my hips where they just relaxed and melted into the recliner and I can't tell you what happens next. Because next was me realizing that my neck had hit my shoulder and this inner voice telling me to wake up because there is a needle in my neck! lol I didn't hit the needle but that voice was going to make sure I didn't so then I sat there wide-eyed for about 2 minutes before he came in. I think I got  to doze for about 40 minutes at least. Sessions last an hour and takes about 10 minutes to get set up. It wasn't that long before my body relaxed.

But yep, it was like a nap on the clouds in Heaven, of course there probably aren't any needles involved up there ;-)

Empowering my children... aka maybe the longest post ever...

This post continues from the previous one....

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Just before hand, I thought I might let you know that I probably will be talking a lot about Joyce Meyer in the future.  Her words have impacted my family in such a way that talking about what she says is the only way I can explain how she has changed our lives.

I do not believe in pushing God on anyone.  I believe that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. You can ask my Hubbins.  He was an atheist when I met him and I never once pushed him into changing his mind even though he eventually did. In fact, as evidenced by many of my blog posts we actually did a flip. I've had my struggles with God and they have been made public on this blog. 

 I believe we all have our own personal journeys, we falter in life, and we get back up. It is what makes us human.  I do believe that God knew what we were and the mistakes we were going to make before we were ever born and he still loved/loves us anyway. I believe that we have a blood bought inheritance and that our sins are forgiven by Jesus dying on the cross for us.  I don't think it gives us free reign because all is forgiven but I do believe that we don't have to think we are going to hell because we make mistakes. Our inheritance is that our sins have already been paid for. 

I hope I am making sense. I've never gone this far in explaining what I believe on my blog. 

Anyhow, Joyce was sexually abused by her father as a child and she talks a lot about how that made her feel shame, worthless, hard hearted, depressed and afraid. These are all things my children identify with.  She talks about forgiveness and how hard it is but how it will benefit the person forgiving and is done for the person forgiving. She talks about staying positive and not letting negative emotions steal your joy. She also talks about not letting your past determine your future. 

She talks about control and minding your own business. She talks about not trying to collect a debt from someone who doesn't owe it and she talks about taking charge of your mind- your thoughts and emotions.

At first I was listening to her on my own. I popped a cd I had burned of her radio podcasts in my car one day when I was driving CDQ to therapy. She was silent the whole trip there and mostly back. When the program was finished, she told me "that woman makes a lot of sense. I know what she's talking about." From there I decided that I was going to play podcasts for the kids at bedtime. At that time, the podcasts were about staying positive and not letting the devil control your thoughts and actions. I think it may have been called Guard Your Heart and it had three parts to the series. I'm not 100% positive on that though.  

My kids were super excited about Joyce Meyer the next day and from then on. She has given them hope.  Even though I had told them what happened to them was not their fault, for some reason she hit home with them in a way that my words never could. 

For the first few weeks they had a Joyce Meyer quoting frenzy.  lol!

At that time, CDQ had taken it upon herself that she was to be the one to quote to the others what they were doing wrong. Which is typical of her. She was also still attacking me.  One day I decided to use Joyce's words. I felt so awful and cold and cruel about it, but now I can see that I actually led the way for her.  She was starting to verbally attack me when I said "Look CDQ, I can see that this is going to end badly. I just want you to know that I have decided to follow what Joyce Meyer has said. Even if you are having a bad day and you try to take it out on me, you will not steal my joy.  So you can do whatever you are going to do or say to me but I am determined to keep my joy no matter what."  I smiled. It was not a vicious smile or anything like that it was just a smile that came from my heart because even though I felt some turmoil over doing that, the idea that she wasn't going to be able to tear me down was just peaceful. 

That stopped the attack right in it's track.  She hasn't attacked me since.  Today came close, but I will tell you about that later. 

CDQ has been coming to me more often to talk about what Joyce says and get clarification.  Last week she came to me and told me she thought she was depressed because she missed people.  I told her I wasn't sure if she was depressed or just sad.  I asked her if she felt hopeless or if she felt sad. She said she felt sad. I told her that I thought people who were depressed felt like they didn't have any hope and that I didn't think that was her. I told her I thought she was sad because she missed people.  She agreed that she was just feeling sad. I told her that sometimes missing people can physically hurt.  But that it wasn't an unusual feeling.  

I then told her about Karlton. I told her it had been so long since he had died but that I've never forgotten him and that I think about him quite a bit when I remember things or wonder what his advice would have been.  I explained to her that I still miss him and that my heart actually hurt when he died and for many years after because I was so sad, she saw I was crying and I told her even after all this time I always do cry and that's ok. I explained that as the years go by the pain will lessen some. 

I also told her that there is a line there, because I had been dealing with this myself. I told her that there is a point where we can become selfish and angry with God for taking them and when we start to feel that way we have to realize that they are in heaven and that they are safe and pain free and no one can hurt them anymore. Even though we feel so sad we should also be happy for them because they are free. 

She felt better after that. I noticed a shift in her.  She is definitely trying to stay more positive but she has begun to attack the oldest instead of me.  I have tried to tell the oldest to try what I did but she's at the point where she's so angry at CDQ she doesn't see how telling CDQ anything would help. So I still have some work there. 

But today we had a breakthrough. CDQ was diagnosed with a tapeworm yesterday morning. We have no idea where she got it. But she is the least hygienic of all my kids and she can't keep her hands off herself or out of her mouth. Anyhow,  prior to finding out about the worms, she had been saying that she was too full to eat and I had asked that everyone serve her a little less food so it wouldn't go to waste.  The oldest was the one who had served her soup for lunch. She had forgotten to give her less. The twist in today's tale was that there was to be an after lunch Halloween cupcake. 

CDQ started complaining to me that the soup was too much, this before she even ate any of it.  She didn't want to eat it. I told her that she should eat it because of her problem but that if she didn't want to eat it that was  fine but only those who ate lunch were going to get a cupcake.  This is where I found out that the oldest was not eating her lunch either and hadn't even served herself a bowl.  I told her she wasn't getting a cupcake either because she had to eat lunch. By now CDQ had become whiny.  I was firm with her when I told her that the eating lunch/cupcake thing was not negotiable. She told me that she didn't know what that meant and she didn't care.  I said "Oh, you don't care, ok, then I don't either." Mind you that was not said with sarcasm the way hers was. It was more in a nonchalant manner like she had suggested that it didn't matter and I didn't realize that. You know?

I told her she didn't have to eat it, but she was going to have to eat dinner.   She got up and it appeared she was going to storm out of the room. On her way out, I stopped her and I told her that I knew she was working really hard on staying positive and that I hoped she wasn't going to let this steal her joy for the entire day.  I reminded her what Joyce said about letting the little things bother you and opening the door for the devil to steal your joy. She stood at the counter opposite the room with her arms crossed and she was definitely contemplating it. Then she told me she didn't like that soup, she said it was nasty.  I told her I didn't know that because she was the one who told me before that she LOVED that soup and it was sooooo yummy and she couldn't eat enough of it. (Seriously, she had said all that as she slurped it down before) She had a grin playing on her lips and then in a whiny voice she said she knows she said that but she doesn't like it anymore.  So I announced to the kitchen if they didn't like that flavor all they had to do was let me know and I would buy a different one. 

The oldest felt this was giving in to CDQ and I told the oldest that I really didn't care what flavor of soup they ate just as long as they ate. She shrugged her shoulders to that. 

So then CDQ started with the water works, I think it was aggravating her that the other kids had finished and were hugging me and thanking me for lunch and picking their cupcakes. 

By now, it was time for me to do a procedure on Hubbins.  CDQ told me she was hungry. I told her she could eat until she got full  (because she was still trying to say it was too much) but the only way she was going to get a cupcake is if she ate it all (it was half a bowl). I told CDQ that the soup that was made was what was for lunch, in the future I could buy a different kind but that was lunch (because can you imagine the catastrophe if I were to let 5 kids choose their meals on a daily basis?).  She told me she didn't want the cupcake anyway.  So then I said "Oh, then what's the problem? Just eat what you want of it."

Then she told me she didn't want to eat it so I told her it was ok for her to just go to her room. Then she said "didn't you hear what I said?" I told her "yeah, you said you didn't want it." Then she said "No I didn't!" By this point the oldest is exasperated she's been watching the whole scene unfold while she was making herself soup because she wanted a cupcake.  I'm just keeping my cool. 

I told her the way I saw it , she was trying to make this about me and that the only thing I was insisting was that she eat her lunch so that she gets proper nutrition. But in fact it's her that is making the decision, not me. I told her she had three choices: She could just go to her room and wait for dinner, or she could eat what she wanted of it or she could eat it all and get a cupcake. She stood there pouting and like I said I had a procedure to start on Hubbins so I told her that she was going to have to go to her room and think about it if she needed more time because I had to start Hubbins. I told her she could call me through the intercom when she knew what HER decision was. I knew that she had been attacking the oldest and it wasn't safe for me to leave them alone in the kitchen. 

So she was still pouting as she sat down to eat,  then she wanted it warmed up and I warmed it for her in microwave. So, her and the oldest were sitting across from each at the table. She was still pouting and the oldest was trying to eat her soup with a fork. I decided to try and break the tension by joking that they looked like the contestants on the Amazing Race look when they've been given like a pigs face or something to eat.  This got them both to smile. 

CDQ started eating her soup like she was starving. I mean she was shoveling it in but still trying to play the part.  She told me it was nasty as she stuck more noodles into her mouth. I told her I thought she was doing awesome for not liking it. Because of how well she was doing, I had actually decided that even if she didn't eat it all I was going to let her have her cupcake because she had really kept it together. I mean her sarcastic stuff I italicized is nothing compared to how she can get. 

The next thing I know she was jumping up from the table exclaiming "I ate it all!"  I was really cheery about it and told her to pick her cupcake. She was so happy. When she was done and leaving the kitchen I told her to come back  and I held my arms open for a hug. She came barreling back and slammed into me, she said "pick me up! pick me up!" I looked at her and I showed her that she was nearly as tall as me and I couldn't pick her up , so she went running to the oldest and tried to get her to do it." I had told her I was really proud of her and that far as I could see the score was CDQ 1; devil 0. She was sooo happy. I asked her was it really that bad eating that soup and she sheepishly said "no, it wasn't bad at all". Then she told me she was bad though. I told her "No you weren't.  You said a few rude things but it's nothing like what you used to say. I can see that you are trying and that's what counts. Sometimes you will have some bad days but as long as you don't give up or think it's over because you messed up, you'll be 

ok." 

Joyce talks about not throwing in the towel and going back to stinkin' thinking when you slip up. Everybody has bad days but you shouldn't disregard all your accomplishments because you make one mistake. She says to pick yourself back up and start right where you left off. Basically don't feel like you're a total failure over one thing. 

And finally what this longwinded post is leading to is this... CDQ came to me an hour later and hugged me so tight, not a side hug but an actual hug- full hug arms around my neck because I was sitting down. Let me just mention now, usually if CDQ is hugging me it's from the side and that's when she delivers what I call her zingers, She whispers something in my ear to try and hurt me. So it appears to others that she is being lovely but truly she is verbally attacking me where usually no one else can hear but me.  But this time she said "I love you, I love you sooooo much." I have to admit. I choked as I said "Really, I didn't think so, I thought you didn't care about me at all." She was still hugging me and she said "no, sometimes I just say mean things I don't really mean." 

~!~!~!~!~!~!~! HUGE~!

It was totally genuine.  I was floored.  I wish she could feel that safe all the time.  But I have so much to thank God for and I can't help but feel like Karlton has had given me the ultimate last advice and his advice has finally been taken 13 years later. He would have done anything to help me back then and it appears he still is in my corner even if he is no longer with us. 

In remembrance...

I've written this post so many times in my head but nothing seems right.  For over a decade October has been my least favorite month and this day, the 29th has been the hardest day.

My heart still hurts. It's lessen some over the years.  I tell myself I need to stop being so selfish.  I was just a friend.  His family is the one that lost the most... I should celebrate the day he went home, etc....

Some days I understand. Others I just can't understand. I know I should be so thankful for the time I did have.  The opportunity I had for him to teach me what family really is and unconditional non-judgmental brotherly love. We could talk about anything honestly and without reserve. How many people get to say they've ever felt that?

He was with me when I figured out I had been molested. He's the one I called from the ER. He's the one I told about my religious beliefs.  He's the one who made me think about myself and who I was. He made me see people differently. He changed me forever.

But now, now I know what I am missing and it makes it even worse. Our last conversation still haunts me. The way it all ended. My dream that I shared with him about dying in a car accident. His excitement over "God having great things planned" for him.  I guess in his eyes going to Heaven would be great things but I don't think he thought it would be The End.

You see in the weeks before his death, he was settling his affairs. Paying off all his debts, making sure his wife was getting her business together. Just making sure everything was in order. He was so happy and so adamant about getting everything right.

I have to admit, I go rounds with God because on one hand I think that was so cruel but on the other I see it was his reward for following God's will.

I often wonder what he would think about what has become of my life.  I guess as I just typed this question, I got the answer in my head.

CREAM PUFF!

*rolling eyes*

You see there were two things Karlton wanted from me. He wanted me to admit that I was a cream puff and that I wasn't as hard as I was carrying myself back then (boy were my walls high and made of the toughest material) and he wanted me to read the book! (the Bible).  You see Karlton was a non-denominational minister too.

I wish I could go to him for advice, I wish he met my husband, I wish my kids knew him. I wish, I wish, I wish...

In a way, I think I got my wish.

I've recently mentioned Joyce Meyer on my blog. About 13 years ago, Karlton told me I needed to check out this female preacher. He said her and I were a lot a like and he thought I would like her.  He told me she came on at 5 am. Like a smart ass, I told him I was NOT going to get up at 5 am for that and he could just tell me what she said.

Through the years after his death, Joyce Meyer has appeared on my tv screen at various times in my life and every time she was talking about something that I was mulling over or having a hard time with, so I would stop and listen and consider it Karlton's way of giving me some advice.

About a month ago, I was feeling so lost and just thinking about Karlton and what he would say and I came across Joyce Meyer and she was talking about how easy it can get to become confused about what God wants and what the Devil wants.  She made me realize this:

I had been so busy fighting the devil that I didn't realize that I had turned my eyes away from what God wanted me to do. God never asked me to fight the devil.  He wants me to work on the things he's placed in front of me. God won't help me with the things he did not ask me to do.  So the devil won by distracting me and keeping me from focusing on what God wanted. I felt like God had abandoned me. I no longer heard his voice guiding me and it never donned on me that I wasn't doing his will. I was tricked into believing that I was working on protecting my family. She said that if we feel we are being attacked by the devil we need to give that to God to take care of for us.

That's what I heard that day...and THEN! That whole week, every time I turned on the tv or changed the channel Joyce was on preaching about all the things my kids and I were struggling with. I'm not exaggerating nor am I kidding. It even came to the point where Hubbins asked me just how many times Joyce came on a day.

I looked it up and she only comes on tv twice a day. But that whole week I got all the answers I was praying for, since that week I have been unable to find Joyce on any other stations at any other times other than the two per day that are in the listings. That day that I realized I was fighting the wrong fight, my mom came home with some Halloween Tarot cards. I know some people might be saying "what!?!" because of the way some people feel about the cards. But it's my mom's thing and she's taking a class on it at the senior center. She practiced by having me pull a three card spread which represents past, present and future.  This my bloggy friends was my present card:

I don't know what the card means because I was just blown away by the picture itself.  I would say it represents me with the devil now behind me and my looking towards God's light undeterred. Pretty cool huh? Believe it or not Joyce preached shortly after about ever feeling like we are having a certain message pounded into our heads. We see things on tv, get stuff in the mail, etc.... To me this card was the sum of it all.

I can't help but think if I had really listened to Karlton all those years ago what kind of differences would I know today. As I sat last week reading Dave Ramsey's book, Total Money Makeover,  it stuck me that at two years younger than Karlton was when he died, I am getting my financial business in order and working on getting it together just as he had. I am reading The Book (ugh, I can totally see him gloating up there) and I must be a cream puff because I have an incredibly bitchy (<-- still working on the language) completely declawed black cat sleeping in my bathroom RIGHT NOW. We are talking about a cat that literally just hates me. Screams and hisses at me and even bit me-- only me. But you know black cats and Halloween and she has all four paws declawed and is totally defenseless and it's so cold outside, blah, blah, blah....yeah...cream puff I am.

I think if Karlton could see me today, he would be proud, even with my setbacks. And in the next post, I will tell you how his suggestion from 13 years ago has helped my kids.

Rest In Peace Karlton Glen Taylor, I am still spreading the word about you. As promised, I am telling everyone that you were a man of integrity and a man who kept his word. The world lost an amazing person the day you were taken from us, but even in your short time on Earth, you touched so many lives with your words and actions.

AND, thanks for the advice, I am listening...really I am. ;-)

On the mend

So after my last post I discovered.

1. Not only was I in a body crippling flare up
2. and was flo visiting
3. during a raging sinus infection
4. but also I got a "touch" of the flu (<-- chills, sweats, fever, wanting to die) from my flu vaccination
5. and my wisdom teeth impaction wasn't through with me.

I think I'll go back up there and put the highlights in bold...gimme a sec...ok, better.

I've discovered why I've turned into a bitter cussing bitch because as evidenced by the green chunks that have been spewing from my body (sorry for the TMI) and my doctor's opinion-- I have had the infection for a very very long time. Like years probably. *insert opened mouth stare here*

I was so busy pushing forward that I didn't take time to realize just how crappy I felt until the flare ups became intolerable and unbearable.

Believe me, I am not and have never been on friendly terms with needles. But when the logic side of my brain stood up like a guest on the Springer show and bitch slapped my whiny needle fearing side effectively putting him* in check, the needles didn't matter in the least.

So, this past week has been mostly flare free. I've just been dealing with each new layer of hell as the old layer is peeled back.  I'm praying that I have reached my last layer of pain.  Overall, I'm feeling better and the best part of all this is that I don't have to wait for people to pass through so I can get help to get up and go to the bathroom.  I know it's a weird thing to think of as the best considering everything, but it is what it is. :-)


=================
This was written a few days ago, I forgot to click on publish *blush*. I ended up waking up yesterday morning unable to bend my right knee or move my left arm. I don't know what happened but I found myself flat on the floor after trying to get up. I couldn't get up for awhile.  I had my acupuncture appointment at 8 am so I pushed through the pain and got every red light on the way to his office. Luckily after he put the needles in I was just sore. The 10+ pain was gone. *deep breath*

Today I've been dealing with breathing and stomach issues. Some day all this crap will stop and I will feel good and I will be my old self again.

Baby steps...baby steps....




*Isn't your whiny side a "him" too?

Human Pincushion

The room is dark save for the gentle light cascading in the shape of a seashell against the ceiling.  The sound of running water and birds cawing are emitting from the speaker on the wall.  It is the perfect picture of serenity.

I am laying on a massage table with a heating pad that runs the length of the table beneath me. I have my head gently resting on a pillow and a blanket which was placed carefully over me.

Sounds good doesn't it?

Except in my mind, in my crazy mind... I am screaming, in the beginning, I am totally irrational.   I keep telling my mind to just shut up for crying out loud (or in this case, in my head).

You see, I have needles all over my arms and the tops of my hands and these needles are all touching nerves and any little tweak, tweaks my nerves. Does it hurt...psh, uh...no.  In fact, all my places that hurt to begin with didn't hurt anymore.

I was laying there uncomfortable but totally pain free.  I made my mind shut up and relax and concentrate on the fact that I am feeling NO PAIN.

Life is good, but then I have to sneeze. I'll be honest. I totally said "shit" out loud. Three times I felt like I had to sneeze and three times I kept it at bay. Whoo.  I can't imagine what sort of fun that would have been because see the blanket was resting gently on top of the needles and I was most definitely not going to move an inch.

So let's rewind to how I ended up becoming a human pincushion.  Saturday, I took my kids to get their flu shot. I ended up getting mine too. I also showered before I left and got Hubbins into his chair. The kids appointment was at 10:45 and mornings are the worst for me.  So this was huge. By the time I got home, I was starting to feel it.  My mother had been bugging me to go to this crafters market because I actually want to open my own store and sell some of my crafts online and at these craft fair types of things.    Anyhow, my mom ended up getting mad at me because I told her I wasn't going at the last minute. Literally, jacket on- purse in hand.  Just could.not.do.it.  After she left, I cried because I'm tired of people being mad at me and not understanding, I am tired of being tired and I am tired of the pain.

So, I guess you can say my mom interrupted my pity party when she called to say she had just seen this acupuncturist who fixed her arm (she has bone loss in her arm and it's torn some) in seconds using pressure points.  She had told him about me and he said he could probably help. Well, to cut to the chase , my mom came and got me, took me there, he did some pressure point work on me and I still had a tiny bit of pain in my arm (the pain that was making me cry) but I could turn my head. It had been MONTHS since I had been able to turn my head without turning my upper torso.

So I made an appointment for Monday.

I hate needles. He asked where the pain was and I told him and he just picked up my hand and stuck in the first needle. I felt a pressure, but not pain and suddenly the pain I was talking about was gone.  As embarrassing as this is. I was like a kid in a candy store.  The more he poked the needles in the less pain I had.  The night before, I had taken an ibuprofen because my pain was at a level 12 at least.  At the risk of tmi, but in the interest of those coming to this blog for this info, I was in the middle of a flare up and flo was visiting. I don't know about anyone else but flo makes my pain waaaaaay worse.  I avoid drugs until I just can't take it anymore. So I still had the ibuprofen in my system so my usual spots weren't bugging me but that didn't stop me from having him poke for those spots either.

It wasn't until the lights went out and I was laying there with nothing to do but think of the needles in me and this*. LOL!  It felt like forever and a day. But it was more like an hour and 15 minutes. Half way through, I got my appetite back. I didn't even know that was missing.   I have NEVER been SO hungry in my entire life.

Of course, after the woman checked on me to see if I was okay, my right nostril blocked off and made it difficult for me to breathe. It appears that the RA pain was totally masking a raging sinus infection. Finally when it was over, I told him about the blocked nostril and he put a needle in my head and moved it around until the blockage cleared.

Here's where ugly comes in. That was yesterday. As soon as I left there and drove through Carl's Jr and scarfed down a meal. I was freezing like an ice pop.  By the time I came home, my head was on fire and my body was still cold. I took my temp and I had a fever over 100 degrees.  I had this annoying tickling burning sensation in my sinuses. I did fall asleep and the fever did break.  I've been dealing with the sinus infection all last night and all day.  My pain did flip. I guess I should mention that I have symmetrical pain... I flare on one side and then sometimes it flips to the other.

BUT, the pain that flipped is totally bearable. In fact if I didn't have this annoying sinus thing I would be feeling incredibly awesome.

When I came home and laid down in my recliner, Scrawn decided to plop herself down on me and do her usual head butt to my knuckles.  It didn't hurt! But the shock came when I went to rub her head. Her fur was so soft. I had forgotten how soft it was and I had never noticed when I stopped feeling that.  Even when I felt my face, I didn't realize how soft my skin was.  I'll admit it, I teared up...but in my defense, flo is still visiting. lol!

All in all, I would say it is totally worth it.  I'm not on any drugs and I don't ever want to be.   I have a list  (knuckles, elbows, flipped pain) for tomorrow.  I think I had the reaction I did because the needles allowed the release of my sinus infection.  My mom went and saw him today and she did not have any where near the same reaction.  I'm sure the doc will either have some kind of herb or antibiotic for me tomorrow.

I'm so happy and so scared at the same time.  I don't want this to be a fluke.  I look down at my hands and I see how the swelling is nearly gone and my fingers are almost as slender as they were, but I also see how deformed my knuckles are. The bump that juts out at the side and the width that won't allow me to wear my rings anymore.

I know I have to let it go and I know I have to trust that God does not want this pain for me.  He has a plan for me and I just need to not lose sight of that again.

* Warning, the video is graphic, if you are squeamish or have nightmares easily- don't watch.  Unfortunately, this is the way RA makes me feel except there is no relief in the end.

Cat-urdays with Scrawnie

Ugh, Mom has been doing her cleaning thing and rearranging our bedroom, she's also getting ready for winter.  Our bedroom has more space now, but for meowing out loud, I'm trying to get some sleep! She should know a girl needs her beauty sleep!

Speaking of which, I was a very good girl in the wee hours of today. Mom was having a horrible time and I cuddled up with her in her recliner and watched her like a hawk. I even gave her a few good head butts of support on her swollen hands to show her I cared. It made her squeal loudly, I think she was so happy! I like when my mom is happy.

Yesterday was Smudge's 4th birthday. She had a little party with some wet cat food for dinner and opened her presents. She got this cool rope thing (which Purries seems to have claimed as her own) and a soft white mousey.  Grandma got me some kitty kisses (treats) cuz I am her favorite. Shhh...

Mom tried to take a pic of the b-day girl but she's a sketchy kitty, she always comes out as a blur. KITTENS!

Toodles
~S

Celebrating

CDQ's therapist called with an open appointment today.  I've been taking iron for my anemia and my stomach has been all out of whack, so my mom took CDQ to the appointment today.  

We were going to start switching off anyway. CDQ's therapist agreed that I needed to have some time away from CDQ and time with my other kids. 

As the time got closer for them to leave, I realized it was going to be the first time I would be CDQ free with my other kids.  At first I thought I should do something with them. Bake or something...but the day outside was absolutely gorgeous and there's so many things they have been missing out on because a lot of things trigger CDQ. So I decided to let them just be. I've been in and out of the house slowly moving my holiday things into our new shed and it's so refreshing to see the Oldest sitting at the picnic table with a focused intent look writing in her journal (she wants to be a writer), SS is coasting down our hill on her bike with the wind in her hair and a huge smile on her face.  The boy and Poufy are working together to learn how to operate an RC car the boy has (they never realized it needed batteries. lol).  There is music in the background. No fighting, no chattering, no yelling for the other kids to shut up because they are laughing and having a good time.  

Even all my cats are out and about chasing each other up and down the hallway and exploring out on the porch, mingling with the dogs who are lazily lounging by the picnic table watching the kids enjoy themselves. 

I made the kids lunch and baked my first loaf of pumpkin spice bread for the fall season.  It's such a different atmosphere.  It's peaceful, it's calm, it's loving. 

The boy ran up to me after lunch and hugged me so tightly. He thanked me for letting them "do this", I could hear the lump in his throat. He was near tears and that breaks my heart, he will be 9 in a couple of weeks but he is still so little and fragile.  Normally it would make me so angry at myself for letting it come to this, for letting CDQ control so much. 

But inside, I feel peace. God has a plan for all of us and this is going to teach us something even if we don't know it right now. Some how, for now, this is making us stronger and my kids-- they will be paid back for the things they have had to endure.  I can't worry about making it right for them anymore.  I have learned that I could never make it right for them no matter what I did or didn't do.  After all, I am not God. :-p

"Condemnation weakens us and we keep repeating the same error over and over and over, but celebration strengthens us."   -From Joyce Meyer's book Eat the Cookie, Buy the Shoes  (Pg 44)

So I will celebrate. I will not focus on things I have mistakenly considered failures but I will leave you with this from SS...

Yes, it is a toilet paper roll and indeed, she did color the inside of it as well and it does say "love is everywhere."

Don't you just love what it says and isn't it especially charming that it is on a tp roll? lol Boy do I remember the poo and pee days. I am.so.glad. they are behind us. 

4 out of 5 ain't bad...nosireebob and we are still not done. 

Under Attack

I've been working really hard, trying to bring balance, strength and health back to me. Somewhere I became lost, bitter, hateful...a quitter.

I think the RA <-read constant pain- was the final straw but in this process, I have learned. I haven't ever truly quit. The fighter in me is still here.  My faith in God never truly left no matter how much I argued, threw tantrums and "disowned" Him.  I think I spent more time talking to God after I had called it quits than before. That's saying a lot considering those from my past will know I've mainly operated on my faith alone to get me through my entire life.

Somewhere, that solid constant got lost.   Maybe it was the loss of feeling safe in my home both on the inside (the kids attacking me) and the outside (the shooting across the street), maybe it was the false accusations (by the children and the therapist), maybe it was the threats (by everyone) and maybe it was when I thought I was losing it all financially.  When we thought our house was going to be foreclosed on and I had to stand in lines for food boxes.   Maybe it was the fear that I was losing Hubbins when he came so close to death last year.

Or maybe it was simply the voice inside my head that kept shooting me down. That kept snarling at me "Who the hell do you think you are? You CAN'T do this! You're just...You!" Maybe that voice belonged to my ex stepfather and abuser, or maybe it belonged to my mom...most likely it was my own voice.

Last week, I heard myself tell CDQs therapist I was worthless.  The words came out and it was like it wasn't even my own voice.  I heard them and the tears came to my eyes because the truth had been  spoken. But it couldn't be the truth.

Whatever it was, I'm working my way back. Yes, CDQ is hating every minute of it. Yes, she is attacking me multiple times a day.  I keep telling myself mind over matter. But my physical being has other plans.  Even though my mind is not sensing her as a threat so much anymore, my body changes gears on me. Her attacks make me physically ill. I'm typing right now with stiff swollen hands. She didn't stop until she saw her goal.

They say not to take it personal. They say it's not about you.  I try so hard to believe that even when I'm staring into CDQ's eyes as she tells me it IS about me and that *I*, indeed, am the one she hates.  My mind calmly ignores the perverse smile that plays on her lips.  But my body reacts to it.  My body reacts to her yelling at me to shut up even though I am not talking or even in her room. My body reacts to her calling me a bitch because she doesn't get her way.

Mind over matter, mind over matter mind overmatter mindovermattermindovermatter.....

Yesterday, Hubbins had a seating appointment for his new seating system. The appointment was an hour away. There was a big accident on the freeway that closed down all lanes in the direction we needed to go. We didn't get to his 12:30 appointment until after 2:30. While we were there, my mom called and told me CDQ had asked for water and called 911 instead.

She was calling to accuse me of beating her or some such thing and I wasn't even home.  The other kids were huddled hugging each other and crying because they had a girl at the emergency children's center they were placed in who had told them they were there because her little brother had called 911 and lied to the dispatcher. My kids (minus CDQ) were terrified they were going to be taken away because CDQ lied.

I talked to them over speaker phone and reassured them they weren't going anywhere. I called the therapists office and spoke to the director who told me to have the police contact them if they need additional information. Then I called 911. I made arrangements to take the kids on a tour of the facilities for today.

I decided I was taking my power back and I was empowering my other children. Because CDQ has held this 911 nonsense over our heads for waaaay too long.  So today we went.  We were fortunate enough to run into an officer who I had confused with the 911 dispatcher who was going to give us the tour.  I asked him to explain the process for children to be removed from the home.  He told them they had to have some kind of evidence of abuse, they just wouldn't remove them. I reassured them that they could breathe because as we know there is no abuse in our home. My poor kids looked so solemn and fragile as they shook their heads. Except for CDQ she scoffed.

Her idea of abuse is not having access to television or radio (even though she now recognizes that those things cause her stomach pains, diarrhea and acid reflux), not having a cell phone or clothes from the mall, etc...

The police officer basically told her I was her parent and I called the shots. Sweet idea wasn't it? Then the actual dispatcher came out.

Needless to say, CDQ was not pleased.

She's going to not be pleased A LOT more often because I've been able to vocalize to CDQs therapist what has been going on in our home. Ever since CDQ flipped in front of her, she's been listening more than she did before.

I've fought so hard to keep CDQ under the radar. To keep her from being labeled, to keep her out of residential treatment. But I read this sentence from one of Joyce Meyer's books:

"The most foolish thing in the world is to try and do something about something you can't do anything about."

and it hit home.

As I said in my last post, I'm letting go and I've given it to God.

Letting go...

First, there was a flare-up. Followed by a wicked sinus infection (and no insurance), followed by a flare-up overlapped by flo.

Thankfully the flare-up is gone, unfortunately the sitting around in pain thing made me so stir-crazy I got up at the butt crack of dawn this morning, watched the sun rise over the mountains and into the clouds and then fixed the gate, weeded and trimmed the rose bushes (whoa, those babies are taller than me!) and did some cross stitch after I finished reading a book.

PPLLLLLLLLLLEASE don't let me have another flare-up?!?

I know I over did it, but I've been out of commission for a week! I couldn't even take CDQ to therapy my mom had to.  Yesterday I couldn't even lift my left arm.

I hate this so much, I hate not being able to do what I used to and I'm not even old enough to really be feeling this way.

Right now, I want to empty out the closets and start loading up the shed we bought so I can continue to declutter my house. Because believe it or not, I am *still* doing The Big Clean of 2010 (Little did I know it was going to take the whole damn year! lol).  I want to finish organizing my sewing room so I can get down to some serious crafting, I want to clean out my laundry room, kitchen, etc...

All the things I used to put off I want done now (of course). Typically I do a big clean- dusting, carpet steaming, THE WORKS and put out my yummy smelling autumn stuff...but this year is probably going to be the same as last year, I didn't get a chance to do it all.

I hope not, I am trying to stay positive about the whole thing. Trying to see this past week as a mini (pain-filled) vacation.

So with that said, I know I can't control any of this and I am giving it to God.  I am going to do some laundry and some baking and I am going to get Hubbins up and take care of some errands in town today and I ask God to please help me to do these things as painlessly as possible given the circumstances.  And I want to thank Him for the great summer we were able to have this year.

Amen :-)

Happy Monday everyone! Have of a good week.

Cattititude

Me: Scrawn, why aren't you posting anymore?

Scrawn: Mother....did you NOT see the horrendous picture Purries posted of me last time? How can I face my readers?!? Why does Purries have to post? Blogging was MY thing. She always has to copy me and embarrass me. What a loser!

Me:  She loves you! Wow, Scrawn, look how big you've gotten! I think I see some back fat over here...

Scrawn: What? Where?
Me: WHOA! Look at all that kitty!

Scrawn: WAIT! Are you like, seriously, taking my picture????

If you blog this, you are SO no longer my mother!!!

This post is brought to you by the letters R and A.

Ugh. It's 5:30 am. I've been up since 2 am. I woke up because of the pain in my wrists, fingers and shins.  It was the first time in forever that I actually fell asleep before midnight, I could not keep myself up even to 10 pm.

So, yeah... I still think I am in remission.

Yeah, I'm in the middle of a flare-up.

BUT, I can still walk...so I call that remission ;-)

So what does a girl do when she can't sleep and the world is sleeping?  Cross- stitch while watching old episodes of Alfred Hitchcock on Netflix streaming.  Blog... throw in the last load of laundry...

I know, I know... I said my fingers hurt and my wrists hurt and oh boy do they... but I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know?  Maybe I am causing my own pain.

I read a lot about the "I cannot do this anymore"  in arthritis.  I am in no way bragging or saying suck it up or anything like that.  I worry when my time will come and I will have a list of "I absolutely cannot do this anymore."

I read some RA blogs by incredible women and I know when they say they can't, they really can't.  I guess why I am fixating on the "can'ts" is because so many people I encounter seem to think I am full of it because some days I absolutely can't and others I will work through the pain.

I can't seem to explain the pain and the day to day unknown of it all to people.

I mean, after all...I LOOK ok and I keep making myself do very painful things.

Maybe I'm stupid, Maybe I'm causing myself more problems in the long run... but I know that others will understand.  Those who walk in similar shoes will understand the denial, the loss, the humility that comes along with this. But I guess for me, it's mostly my feelings of failure.

The saying

"She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans."

keeps  reverberating through my head.

I'm just not ready to give up yet. I may say it every now and again when the pain becomes unbearable. But I'm just not done.