Father's Day 2008

Yep, still trying to catch up here. Father's Day 2008. Hubs first official Father's Day after the adoption. He was given that book above and a bag of goodies and cards. The kids picked out his World's Greatest Dad shirt.

Here he is with his OFF DUTY DAD button that he really liked. I want one of those but it seems the card makers don't think Moms need or want one. HMPF! lol

He was really surprised and maybe even a little touched and misty-eyed (shh, don't tell anyone) with this plaque below. But what can I say? It's true.

And of course we couldn't end the day without cake. This one actually has no cake in it, it's a vanilla ice cream layer, chocolate crunchies layer and then chocolate ice cream layer by carvel. The writing and sprinkles are by me. lol Happy First Father's Day Hubs!

Hubs B-day!

Late much?? Considering hubs b-day was on the 6th! I know, I suck...

Well, Hubs is another year older, he's 42 now. Of course I had to tease and tease and tease. The benefits of being the younger one. *smirk*

Here are some pics from his plates and napkins.

I made him a brownie bottom ice cream cake with his favorite ice cream from Cold Stone.

Here's a before picture ...

and then the finished product. He likes french vanilla ice cream, brownies and caramel mixed.

For his birthday he got $250 in cash from us to spend as he pleases. Truth be told he was spending like a madman all week, the little shopper that he is. He bought cd's, books and computer games. He spent hours and hours researching what he wanted. It was cute and annoying at the same time. lol

Happy Birthday!

We love you!

Job Schmob

I still don't have a job. The budget isn't going to come through for another month, so I am looking at August.



We aren't rich but we are going to be OK. I'm looking at it as a vacation of sorts. I mean I'm still doing the work of course but I'm not getting paid. I don't have to worry about time sheets and unannounced visits and them springing training on me.



From the very start I haven't been sweating it, Hubs has and I suspect I am driving him crazy with my nonchalance. As the month has waned on and the account has depleted I started to think maybe I should be worried but I'm trying to put it all in God's hands.



Last time Hubs was in the ER, I felt numb, like I couldn't deal anymore. I gave it to God and basically said "Look, I told you it's too much, I can't handle it, it's back on you." I was calm, I had no fear, just sadness. But I kept believing God would come through. Before I got to be so screwed up and confused and lost. God had never failed me in my eyes. I never saw that it was in his own time because I never used to worry about it. Something always came through.



But then I got burned really bad and I was jaded and bitter.



I told God if you are going to make this impossible then so be it but know that I can't deal with it.



Everything worked out, Josephine came along and sat with the kids, the neighbors watched them overnight, Hubs wasn't admitted to the hospital. We went home and everything cleared up after a time. Yeah, he had bronchitis,then two came down with strep throat and then two with colds. But you know what? I have no health insurance and I had to be around all of them and I didn't get sick. Don't mistake this for bragging because I am not. I know at any moment I can get sick or hurt and I still don't have health insurance. I've been getting hurt daily but nothing massive thankfully. What I am saying is that it all worked out.



So when the budget ended and I found out I was out of a job for a time--not laid off or fired mind you, just in limbo. I didn't worry too much about it. I mean I have stuff to do and all.



So Friday was the evaluation to determine the hours I would receive and the new budget. We found out some interesting things. Like I've been bent over for several years taking it if you know what I mean?



Turns out because I work for a certain kind of agency they take a big cut and they lied to us about what types of training I need and how I would need to do my own taxes, etc. There is a program where my client and myself decide what training I need and I get reimbursed for it. I will get paid a decent wage, more money then I am now, and I don't have people popping into my house whenever they feel like it. The new agency I will work for will take care of my taxes. Oh and I get real Life Insurance, vision and dental after 6 months. My current agency just started that. I've been with them almost 4 years. Oh! and I can earn time and a half on 6 holidays. (Kether you are probably wincing because you know what I used to have and now you see how excited I am about this. lol )



I told Hubs I was glad the program didn't tell us the changes with the deadline because if they had we would have continued to be screwed by the other places.



I feel such a weight has been lifted. Since Friday I have been able to get so much more done just because I know I can take my time and do it properly. Before I would start a filing system or start going through stuff to try and organize and give away stuff only to find myself shoving things in my room or a closet because a social worker had come or some one from my agency showed up and lord forbid if my house was a normal house with chores in progress. You know? I was so worried that they were going to want to take the kids or think I was doing a bad job. I felt like such a failure.



I can organize the tool box and laundry room closet without thinking I am wasting my time because they don't see those things. Before I knew it was necessary because I was always spending my time looking for tools.



I felt resentful because it was my house and my life and why can't I do what I need to do dammit! You know? I felt like everyone else could go on and work on their home and have some debris for the jobs they are doing and not be judged by it. Houses with children tend to look lived in you know?



It's so hard to explain the strain and ridiculousness of it all. I don't know that I ever will be able to put it all into words.



But for now, the things not involving the children are looking pretty good. For the first time in a very long time I don't feel my shoulders are tensed and like there's a knot at the base of my neck. I don't feel numbness in my arms or a pain in my chest. I can breath and it feels good.

The Agony and the Ecstasy- Part 2

* this picks up where the previous post left off*

So, in an attempt yet again to figure someway to move forward.

We put up a sheet dividing CDQ and Poufy's room. Just putting that sheet up and telling them to think of it as a wall was a huge improvement because they were no longer able to blame each other for the bad things that they did. After all man, it's a wall and you are the only one on your side of the wall dude?

Then I started to break things down. Say they lost book privileges because they were ripping out the pages and writing about how much they hate us in the books (true story) . Instead of a) telling them they will never read a book again b) giving books to children who will take care of them. We decided to bring them up to speed hour by hour.

If you give me an hour of goodness (following the rules), we will decide whether you do a chore, earn the money for something that you've destroyed, or get to do something fun. Computer time, Wii time, outside time, baking cookies time (and these activities include one on one adult time with Hubs or myself)

I figured if I broke them down into hour segments I would have time for each kid because other kids would be working on some portion of their hour since they are all staggered out depending on their activity. Of course some of the activities we have to make sure they can do on their own (watering trees, feeding cats, computer time-no internet access, etc...) or that they can do with another sibling in case we are already detained with a one on one activity with another child. Make sense?

Being good means sitting in your room and thinking about the rules and how you can best follow them or whatever else is on your mind. Because if you are sitting there thinking how much trouble can you get in right? I plan to decrease the time or create more independent activities as the kids become accustomed to following the rules. At least that's my hope.

It went great until today. This part might not make sense so I will start by saying a lot of the kids issues involve control. They want to control things and be the boss. It has to stop because as you can see from my previous post it escalates. In addition to the control, we as parents have to take an assertive role with the kids because their need for control also has to do with lack of trust. We need them to grow to trust us and trust that we are making the best choices for them and they can do as we say without fear or worry.

Today, CDQ and Poufy were supposed to be doing their hour. I thought CDQ was doing great and I was going to pull her out of her room early until I saw that her and Poufy took it upon themselves to empty their drawers and refold all the clothes. In a normal situation that would have been great, even cool because they were being clean and trying to be neat. But they had been given specific direction and they chose to ignore it and do what they wanted to do. So, I had to reset their hour.

I know it seems ridiculous to micro manage but we have to. I hate it.

They began to cry and tantrum. I started with the constant excuse at the ready CDQ.

What did I tell you to do?
CDQ: My hour.
Why did you not do what you were told to do?
CDQ:Silence
Who's fault is it that you are in trouble? You are the only one in your "room".
CDQ: *mumbling* my fault because I made the choice to do the wrong thing instead of what I was supposed to do.

Lord in Heaven! Did you see that? Cause I could not believe it. I stood stunned. This child has never admitted to anything--ANYTHING. Even when you see her with your own two eyes.

After I recovered, I turned to Poufy and asked her the same questions she responded with screaming and crying and tantruming.

I left the room.

Poufy was still crying when I came back to tell CDQ that I was very proud of her for accepting responsibility today and for being able to control her emotions and not throwing a tantrum. I then told her because of that I was going to go ahead and let her still come out and work on the surprise I had planned for them that morning.

She was so happy. Talking and giggling. A different kid.

The surprise was a play kitchen we were putting together outside for them. They were using old tile from the living room to tile their kitchen "floor" so they could take their Disney Princess kitchen outside.

Poufy screamed louder and harder. She went on and on for about three hours before she came out and told me she was sorry for throwing a tantrum. (this child tries to tell you what she thinks you want to hear.) I told her I accepted her apology and that I want to see her mean it tomorrow when she thinks she might throw another tantrum.

You might be wondering why the different treatment. Two very different kids. Can't do the same things. I went down the other road with Poufy thinking she really wanted to change only to find out she was spoon feeding me.

The boy still needs work. His biggest thing is not following directions. For 6 years old, he should be more advanced. It's a power struggle with him. He stumbles and needs to restart his hour frequently but when he makes it, it's like he's won the lotto everytime.

SS she's still in her own world. She seems happy though. She likes the hour thing. I think she feels like she accomplishes something. It seems to give her purpose. She likes to know that after her hour she will be doing something and then she will be doing another hour to earn something else.

As for the oldest, it's amazing how much supervision she needs. Hubs was working with her and I told him he really needed to buckle down with her. Apparently he thought he was. I put her in my line of sight constantly and it's amazing how much work she gets done. I guess I should say that it seems she is behind in her school work although they passed her on. She will be going to Catholic School and I am really worried for her. She's working in a fourth grade book despite the fact that she's going into the 6th grade. I was worried she was behind. But I think it's truly a matter of laziness and being unable to apply herself. She's been doing terrific now that she's basically under my thumb. I thought she would resent it but she's pretty proud of how far she's come in the short amount of time that we have started this.

I hope this system works.

I really do because if it doesn't. We might have to split up the family. We all can't go down.

The Agony and the Ecstasy- Part 1

I've come yet again to a fork in the road.

The kids have been insanely out of control. I mean insanely doesn't even justify or express the amount of, I can't even think of a word for it.

I'm talking 6 hour tantrum marathons of screaming, kicking, yelling back (instead of talking they scream things at us.) I worry someone will call CPS only to find the child is screaming while the rest of the family tries to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

I have two that do these tantrums and one in training apparently.

I've done the hold, I've tried to talk it out, I've tried to ignore it in case it was for attention. I've praised when it's been avoided, I've tried to prevent it- angry monster game, punch your pillow, draw a picture of how you feel.

But when push came to shove, I asked the other kids how they felt if the kids who tantrum all the time were just gone. One child said they would miss them. But then there was this big to do about how they would all have their own rooms and how much quieter and happier they would be without the screaming and crying.

The truth of the matter is that these other children the tantruming children are starting or well have been disrupting the lives of everyone and basically not allowing any of us to live.

What causes the tantrums? CDQ hurts Poufy, they were both doing something they weren't supposed to be doing, they both get time outs that's 8 and 7 minutes. But oh no, they aren't going to be told what to do. Hells no.

So all hell breaks loose.

The straw that broke the camel's back?

The oldest came in mortified because she said she could hear screaming all the way out to the street when she went across the street to get the mail. Looking at her face, I felt bad. I, myself, came from an abusive home. You could hear the screaming and the cussing and sometimes the hitting outside. I felt bad for her. No one was being abused in this home and to have the screaming just because they felt they could? Uh uh. It had to stop or they had to go.

I told the therapist that we can't live this way anymore. It's interfering with every one's lives and it's not fair.

She wanted me to hire a babysitter and leave the tantruming children behind, but let's be honest--would you leave your children behind? Knowing behavioral issues would you put that on someone? Either that person is going to be overwhelmed and lose it or they are going to tell you off and never come back.

I don't think she realizes the levels of these tantrums.

Anyhow, it came down to the final hour, telling the children that they better shape up or ship out.

I felt we had to go there because these weren't uncontrollable tantrums on their part. These weren't true blue we hate you tantrums. If I started to say something in another room they wanted to hear they could stop crying or thrashing or screaming in a heart beat. Sometimes they would even burst out laughing in the middle of a my-life-is-being-threatened tantrum.

It seemed they were enjoying themselves making every one miserable.

So we did it. But by the time we got there it was full on all of you need to get it together.

Not one of them failed me at the therapists office.

The oldest showed her true colors by giving off her attitude simply because she was told she didn't do the parenting in the house.

SS showed that she wanted to act like a stupid girl and pretend that she doesn't hear anything or know anything so she could get some laughs (mildest of all the children's issues)

CDQ sat there arms crossed staring holes into the therapist. She had no answers for anyone or anything. But boy did she have excuses and reasons why it was always someone else's fault.

Poufy tried to answer what she thought the therapist wanted to hear and then tried to analyze CDQ.

Then they both blew up at each other and gave the therapist a tiny dose of everything I have been telling her.

The boy- he ignored the therapist completely. If he wasn't going to get to play he wanted nothing to do with her.

Needless to say the therapist was not happy. She told me that it looked like they didn't want to be part of the family and that I had done everything I could possibly do. It was up to them to turn it around if they wanted to stay.

She of course told me she couldn't make any decisions or recommendations for what I should do but that she would say that I had to take care of myself first. She said I needed to think about what the kids are doing to me because if something happens to me they (including Hubs) will be in a lot of trouble.

You see, if something does happen to me. They have no one. Nothing. I know what the therapist is saying.

All the books I've read say that if the kid hasn't made any adjustments the strong possibility is that the way things are now are the way they will stay. I can't live with that. The destructiveness of a few of the kids is rubbing off on all of the kids. It's destroying the family.

I'm back

Sometimes you have to take the higher road before you just go off on a B%$^#.

Love,
~zen

Dear Mr Postman

AKA-liar and loser who can't deliver mail to save your ass.

I hate you. You don't even try and you unsafely zoom through neighborhoods screaming so loudly into your cell phone I can hear you in my living room--with the tv on and the kids screaming playing.

You don't leave my package and then you LIE and say I wasn't home. I call BULLSHIT and I call it loud and clear. I was home ALLLLLL day as in I left for 15 minutes to get my kids from summer school and came back home. But you wouldn't even know that because you are a liar.

You see when I go get my kids my fence stays unlocked because I'm gone for like a second and when I am home that big white thing, you know the breadtruck looking thing that carries oh say FIFTEEN FREAKING PEOPLE AT ONCE, sits right out front.

So, when you say that the gate was locked and I wasn't home anyway. I have to wonder how much of a strain you put on your neck turning it so far and everything to see my house considering I am RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.

I guess it could have to do with the fact you have no accountability to anyone. You all just shrug your shoulders and say "fuck it" I guess or maybe you spend your time with the packages shaking them and trying to guess what they are, or maybe you don't do jack just because it's all tooo much work.

I called and complained and was reassured that you would deliver my package yesterday or today. I waited until 7 pm for you to come and obviously you didn't. I waited today and then you tell me my package is at the post office.

I call the post office and they can't figure out which end is their ass and which end is their head. So I pay to have something delivered all the way from HONG KONG and you can't even bring it to my block. I have to go get it myself. You keep raising prices but how about paying ME for my gas and time after all I can reassure you my gas isn't any cheaper than yours.

I worked sending out thousands of letters a day for several banks, so many we had three mail runs a day to get it all out. Stuffing, sealing, stamping, sorting, marking them for you guys at the PO so you can't tell me your job is hard. It's called lazy. I understand the job , you matching all those numbers to the same numbers on the box and OH! the same numbers on the houses! can get boring but hey, sooooo not my problem.

Before you all start crying, we need more pay, sending letters is too cheap, how about fucking doing your job, eh?

That is all.

Excess Baggage

Since the beginning of the year I have been working on getting rid of stuff both mentally and physically.

I've been purging a lot of the physical stuff we have in the house that is just creating clutter.

I have made several trips (and in fact am in dire need of making another trip as I type this) to Goodwill where I have left a ton of stuff I have no idea how I amassed to begin with.

What's amazing is that by just evaluating that part of the purging process, I realized I have a lot of worthless stuff or I have spent A-LOT of money replacing the items the kids break on a daily basis.

Point of fact, we have been able to purchase the appliances that we have partly because I stopped replacing items that they broke (although in truth, buying one of those appliances, coughdishwashercough, did replace something a child had broken but it was O-L-D too) AND I stopped rewarding children who didn't deserve or appreciate what they had. Can you imagine?

I've even been able to sign up for a vision and dental plan for myself (still looking on the healthcare front but have a pretty good idea where I am going to get it from).

It's comforting to know that even though my budget for my job still hasn't been renewed and is nowhere near in the process of being renewed that we are still going to be ok and all because of the little things I didn't realize added up.

I haven't trimmed all the fat (extras) yet because it's all about baby steps. lol

Well, really it boils down to the fact that I haven't decided what fat is. I mean I went out and bought a new set of pots and pans because Hubs and I have the set (coincidentally the very first thing we bought as a couple) we bought forever ago that are worn and honestly, having one dutch oven and one large pan no longer cuts the mustard when you jump from feeding 2 to 7.

At first I saw it as something we don't need because we already have some, but then I realized we aren't getting rid of the old ones anytime soon and have just supplemented what we already have and in turn could then be construed as something that was needed.

yes?

I am lost...lol How do you decide in your household, do you spend freely or do you have to justify each purchase?

Inquiring minds want to know...

When I was single, I never bought anything. Seriously, it was my car and the house payment and no, I wasn't rich. But now that I am building a home and there are so many of us, I need a plan.

Where I am at now

on the Home Improvement front...hehehe (I laugh on the outside but inside I'm cringing.)

Ok, so all the carpet is up, at least all the carpet in the hallway and the living room which is what this round is supposed to replace. Now it's on to getting the last of the staples out of the subfloor and the lineoleum up from the places where it overlapped. Good Times!

Then I have to take out the last of the lingering crap from the living room and move it somewhere (the kitchen?) and I can begin patching the subfloor where it needs it so I can start priming so I can finally lay down the tile. *sigh*

The sigh is because I so can't wait to get to that point. I want to see tile on the floor darnit!

In the mean time and due to the increasing heat I have purchased 4 more ceiling fans. 2 are for 2 of the kids rooms that still needed one and the other two are for the cat/laundry room and game room.

I've installed the two in the kids rooms. Here they are:

Today two of the kids started summer school. I have from 9-11 to work before I have to pick them up (yeah, I know I am here but when you count the fact that I have to get Hubs bathed, dressed and in his chair, I really don't have that time at all because as soon as I finish with him, it's time to go get them) Poufy has an appointment for ADHD testing at 2 pm. Now with the baby monitor, I think it's just a waste of time because her problem is she has a $#%^& for a sister and she's the one causing mindless Poufy to be the fool. CDQ hasn't stopped talking crap and she thinks because she whispers we can't hear her filling Poufy's mind and manipulating her.

I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I guess I'll just have to cut out the bad parts and try to make applesauce. I hope it isn't sour. *smirk*

Meet Martha!

Hello Everyone!

This is Martha, my new dishwasher, yep, I named her Martha Stewart just because I get a kick out of saying Martha Stewart does my dishes. I have tried and tried to get a nonblurry picture but she's just so shiny it makes her non-photogenic. I am so happy and grateful that we have been able to buy some new appliances.

CDQ broke the old dishwasher. If you are keeping track, she also broke the kitchen faucet, the refrigerator, the spare refrigerator that I moved in the other refrigerators place, the bathroom sink faucet, the bathroom tub faucet and the shower. Just to name a few things.

We are hoping to replace the refrigerator and the stove but I don't know when.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, the neighborhood inner struggle continues. I looked out my window and I saw these in my rose garden.

They are amazing.
And so beautiful!


I was so happy and I felt like some of my hard work was finally paying off. I love my house and I felt like I could really bring my home together and make it all the things we've dreamed about.

That night, Hubs woke me up at 3 am. Gunshots. Really close Gunshots. I hadn't heard it but as I was talking to him, I heard one that sounded like it was right outside our window. I looked out. I saw teenagers with shaved heads running from the house across the street. There were two cars out front. One sped off, the neighbors turned on their light and I saw guys running up the street. Then I saw it. The gun in the kid's hand. He ran towards the car, jumped in and they took off spinning their tires. I called the police. I couldn't sleep for hours. I want to move.

Even if I love my home and the feeling of making it home. It can't be here. Those people across the street are killing my dream and maybe someday, with their stupidity they will end up killing us. I'm at a loss. We can't just pick a new house. We have to build so that Hubs can live comfortably and unrestricted which I insist. It's heartbreaking because for all the crap that has been done to our house and how hard I have to work to set it back to right, I still love it and it still feels like home. Just less safe.