Triggers...I haz them...

Lately I've been trying to be more in tune with myself.  Ok, since last week when I found out I needed glasses and lost 10 more decibel levels of hearing... I've just been thinking and listening and paying more attention to myself then I ever have in my life this past year.

A few weeks ago I had finally voiced that I was sick of everything being about me, was I stiff?...Do I have pain? Can I do this? I'm the last person I think about typically and I'm really good at pushing pain away and not thinking about things...

But as I went through my weekly tasks...I realized I am living in a world of triggers.  For example, the school I attend. I pass by CDQ's treatment center- she's not there anymore but when she was boy did I tense up worse than I do now...so with that in mind...the actual building where I go to school, it's in the same area as CDQ's last "attachment therapist" in fact parking is right behind that building and I realize that I am praying I don't run into either one of them when I am hiking across it. When I am sitting in class I get to stare at the window of the therapist's office for three hours if I so choose...Not just CDQ's therapist but my own which was right next to her therapist's office on the second floor. This is weekly and it will be for the next three years.

Once a month, I pray that I don't run into the evil therapist they had before the last. The one who threatened me with BS. Because I have so much left unsaid to her and I'm still undecided about whether it's best left unsaid or if it would be a nice release for me. lol! Hubbin's current primary doctor works out of the same building a couple of doors down from her.  I have to pick up his prescriptions from that office at least once a month and it's amazing how fast that month seems to go when I am heading that way yet again.

So let's get into other triggers, like the fact I pass the hospital Hubbin's almost died in anytime I go anywhere practically. On my way to school, if I want to go grocery shopping at anywhere besides the big superstore... I realized that those memories come back a lot if I'm sitting at the red light or parking at the grocery store across the street or going to the Subway.

I hadn't noticed these things and I'm sure there are many more, but they take a toll on me.

Lastly, this here blog. This blog has it all...from the url down to every thing I post.

This blog makes me feel bad. It reminds me of a person who is so far lost. It reminds me of a person (myself) and other people who died. It reminds me of my failures. It reminds me of all the bad.  I know there's good stuff and I know I could write about the good stuff but it seems so wrong to carry on here. I don't know how to explain it.

I am so sick of RAD and mental illness.

I want to move on. I want to share the good things about my children,  photos of my children, etc...but in order to do that I am going to have to create a total lie. I'm going to have to make sure I am totally anonymous and I'm going to have to change the facts some.  I'm not a good liar but that is how Life will truly be able to Go On... I know my anonymity had been compromised and I didn't mind, but I want to share in the good things of my children in a way that their bios won't be able to track it. I really want to document the traditions and the memories and all those things that I can't say to them in a new place that isn't tarnished by the past. It's not erasing the past, it's just making a fresh start.

That was their request from the start. They loved being on the internet but were scared or angry that their bio parents or the people who hurt them could find them.

Years ago we tried to instill a sense of movement in the kids. We planted three of the same kind of trees several feet from each other.  We thought that they could represent time and we had no idea just how much they would represent reality.

We named them: Past, Present and Future.

"Past" was pulled out of the ground and killed by some jackasses from down the street. I tried to revive the tree because it was also planted in memory of their baby sister who was murdered and all children who were abused. We had tied a blue ribbon in memory. But it died. It never really rooted.

"Present" is a stick in the ground. Although it rooted and is alive, it never produces leaves.  I feed it.    But it seems to have something, a bug or something that is keeping the leaves from growing.

"Future" has become a tree I marvel over. Future was a stick in the ground as well.  But sometime around March future split out and grew a separate branch and this branch flourished into this luscious leaf filled bush... I say bush instead of tree because it sprung from the original trunk but at the base of it. It took over and grew to about 3 feet tall and spread at least two feet wide and it had the shiniest green mid sized leaves. I wish I would have taken a picture.  But most times I just sat there staring at it in awe. I say sat because the other curious thing is Present can be seen from my bedroom window and it is the perfect height, so even if I'm stuck in bed I can see it from here.

Hubbins said I have to cut the dead part of the main branch off if I want the new one to overtake it's place and grow tall. Everything I researched says the same thing. But I'm so scared to kill it and I know I did this to my rose bushes a couple of years ago and it worked then. My roses are now almost 6 feet tall! But it's just so hard to take that leap. When I see the beauty of the new branch and wonder if severing the very thing that caused it will kill it.

But I see I have to take that leap, not just with the tree but in life.  So... here I am, saying good bye to this chapter and severing this main branch.

I thank you for taking the time to read and comment and I wish you all the best but my days here at Monkey Trouble are over.  Maybe I will sprout anew somewhere out here in the internets and we will run into each other again.

Family- What it's not...

(FYI-I say bad words in this one...)

The topic of family is a definite trigger for me. Uncontrollable tears, tightness in my chest, burning in my cheeks.  Those are some of the physical manifestations. Inside I have to work on identifying what it all means because I feel like my mind is blowing things way out of proportion...maybe...

I really don't have family. In name sure, but true blue family...no. I glean most of what I know about families in the blogs I read.  I'm trying to make a family for my children. The oldest and I have several interesting conversations and epiphanies about family.

I've found myself saying more and more "maybe that's what families do" and then we both sit in contemplative silence.

This is my experience with family. Currently, my mother is mooching off of me. She is living it up and even though I have told her to leave, she won't.  Lovely, eh?  I made a huge mistake and I know if she were to read this she would be hurt and angry but, frankly, I am tired of protecting HER feelings.  I am tired of being the parent.

My grandmother, probably the closest thing to true family I have. She has dementia...she has good days far and in-between. Her children are assholes.  I'm thinking of getting a lawyer involved. My grandmother was in an abusive relationship for over 50 years. She found her way to me and made me her power of attorney for everything before she went downhill (and let me add, she is not totally mentally gone). Her husband robbed her accounts blind to support his gambling addiction. Her children called adult protective services (APS) and accused my mother of kidnapping my grandmother and of stealing her money. APS came and investigated and found a victim of domestic violence and wrote my grandmother a letter asking her to take out a restraining order against her husband and her eldest son. Her medical doctor told her to get a divorce. I didn't  move on it because they seemed to be leaving her alone and the stress exacerbates my grandmother's dementia. She starts to feel unsafe and says she sees men in my windows or at my doors.  I don't want her to be scared.

One of her daughters is being an asswipe. Her father keeps calling her and telling her he needs money. She wants my grandmother to go back home and give her father her money so he will leave her alone. That's all I can get from it. She doesn't want to reach into her pocket and give him money. She has called and threatened the youngest child, a boy who is 45 and has lived in my grandparents home caring for my grandmother for all his life. He is finally living and just married and has a family and this daughter, his sister is giving him guilt trips.

She's overlooking all the abuse and urging my grandmother to go back. My grandmother has flat out said no, but she doesn't stop. My mom asked her three times to stop because my grandmother has had nightmares and episodes. At first we didn't know what it was but my grandmother checks out when she speaks to this daughter or she immediately starts seeing strange men. I get the feeling she thinks my grandfather is going to show up. The other thing that happens is she'll start imagining a man who treats her right and loves her and takes her dancing, etc... all the things she didn't have.

Anyhow, there are three children who are fine and speak to my grandmother and are cautious about her condition and truly want the best for HER. Then there are three children who quiet frankly are abusive: one has already stolen money from her, the other only cares truly about himself as does the last one.

In my own life those three have mentally abused me as a child as well. They are really good at it.

I don't want to keep them away from their mother. But SHE is more important to me then they are and SHE chose ME, she came to ME. They don't know this.  They keep trying to get my mom in trouble thinking that is going to make a difference. I'm sick of the damn hinting around that her money is being used inappropriately. It's like that is all their mother is to them, a fucking bank account.

I'm thinking I need a lawyer or doctor or both involved who sets the boundaries of what they can talk about.  It's so ridiculous that they can't see beyond themselves and see what they are doing to their mother.

I always thought I would marry into family. You know, once I got married, I would finally have a family. I thought that was going to be good.  My husband's family seemed like a tight knit family and did lots of things together. It just turned out to be at my husband's expense.

But somewhere along the line, I got blamed for my husband's emancipation. Being totally disabled, he couldn't rock the boat because he had no where else to go. When I came along, I saw that he never stood up for himself. I encouraged it in him. Even against me.  He wasn't strong enough and I allowed him to use my strength in the beginning to stand up for himself. By this, I mean, his sister's confronted him and even though I thought I had no business being there, he asked me to stay for support and I did. So now I am everything that is evil. I took their brother from them. I control him and don't let them see or speak to him, etc...

I'm proud of my husband. He did some hard work and he let go of toxic people. He does it easier then I do. Where I waver, he is stronger and makes up his mind. He let go of friends that weren't really friends. People who had used him. One of those people contacted him last week. When I opened the letter for my husband there was handwriting on the opposite of a typed note. I saw my name.  The handwritten note was meant for me and it pissed me off.

The writer is not what pissed me off but the implications. He had spoken to the family and I guess they had shit to say. Primarily...I turned my husband....are you ready for this.... CATHOLIC. Holy hell, huh?  Forget drugs, forget brainwashing....really....Catholic, huh?

Those who have followed my blog for some time....are you chuckling? Because I have never pushed my religion on anyone and I have had so many run ins with the catholic church and God only knows how often I question everything and I have lost my faith these last couple of years. I have been the one to waver, while my husband,who had already been raised Catholic, made that decision totally on his own. My struggles with religion are all over this blog. But I guess they wouldn't know that since it's better to have someone to point the finger to.

I never did anything to these people. I saw an e-mail from his sister before imploring me to read something to him...what he can't read? Or starting an e-mail that says, we don't even know if you are still alive...the fuck? Really?

My husband is 45. He has full access to a phone and e-mail. Truth be told. I was the one asking if he had heard from his family, or if he had called his father.  I just recently, like last week when that letter came, decided that my husband is a big boy and I am going to stop trying to make things better between them. He obviously knows them better than I do and I should trust his judgement.

But really... I am the cause and the end all? W.T.F?

I sit and I think if I were just me all this bullshit aside, what problems do I have? Health? This life exacerbates it....but what about this life? I don't have any shit. Truly.   Hubbin's family...so not my problem, my grandmother's children...not my problem... My mother's bs...not my problem.  I'm good to go if all these people take their fucking drama and shove it?

I have been holding on to this anger and this bullshit for so long. That's part of why I am sick. These things can take a good day and bring me to my knees in seconds.

This is not family. Which brings me back to my original point. I keep telling my kids, this is not family. But I lack the skills to show them more. What true families are. So I tell them about the families I read about and I tell them to learn that this is not the way. I tell them to want something more.  I don't know if it will work. I've always wanted something more...

Sometimes I worry that showing them what other families do or how they are that they will feel helpless and cheated and might just give up. I feel like that when I am around my so called family.  I can't explain to them how they are already better. Yes, they have RAD and that makes the whole family thing really hard at times because of the vulnerability required but I try to emphasize the safety and the lack of judgement. This whole thing with CDQ has made it really hard to forge forward.

I thought the kids were worried about being removed from my home, but the oldest told me that it wasn't home they were worried about it was about being separated from me.  Wow.

She couldn't look at me when she said it and I had to look away.  This has been the longest they have ever been in one place. This is home.  That is incredible. When I think about it, no matter what all those other people project, us 6,  as broken as we all are we are family...the right kind of family.

Thank you for reading my vent. I really need to get all that crap out and that's only the half of it. Maybe I should do this more often. lol!

Bottom line, My husband and I and our children...we are the best family we know how to be. We might not get to those levels that other families are at but I'm hoping the things we have tried to instill in our children will stick and get the ball rolling in the right direction for future generations.

Sexuality

My kids are getting older and puberty has definitely set up shop in my home.

One of my kids is on the fence.

The fence, you say?

One of my kids is incredibly confused because that child likes girls and boys. Is that a surprise to me...no. I have an idea about a couple of my kids but do I know for sure what that outcome will be...no.

Apparently, that led a couple of the siblings to fight dirty using sexuality to bully and belittle said child.

All my children already suffer from self esteem and self image issues.

*sigh*

This was tough.  We addressed the bullying.  We also addressed the sexuality issue. I will not stand for any bashing or any discrimination of any kind. I don't understand what there is to "tolerate".  We are all God's children and he made us in His image. We are to celebrate our differences and as long as we aren't hurting others we are good to go. The. End.

I know that is not how "others" think. I know that some people are confused and think they are God and they sit in judgement and think THEY can offer salvation...really...

The hard part was putting my finger on what exactly was going on.  I didn't want to come out and say if so and so likes the same sex then that's all right.

Why I didn't want to do that? If it wasn't true I didn't want to box said child in, especially if the child is confused or being told those things to try and humiliate said child.

At a loss, I sort of put the child on the spot. I asked if the child thought physical things about the same sex (attraction)  or maybe if they just thought the other person looked nice or liked something about that person that maybe they wanted to emulate.

I also explained to the child that I wasn't intending to put anyone on the spot and I explained how I just needed to know a little more information before I said what I had to say because I didn't want to be a jackass and go off on an assumption and be totally off the mark.

Said child told me there is an attraction to both sexes. I said that was fine and then I went on to say what I had to say.  We talked about why people feel the way they do about certain topics and if they thought it was ok to treat people badly because of their own insecurities (because God KNOWS we get that here in RADville).  We had a long discussion about fear and hate.  I think we left the table with a better understanding of others and I don't think we will have to revisit the topic. I also sense there was a release for said child because there was a change in the face and the child's hunched posture. I do believe this child and myself have many conversations in store for us in the future. But I will have to be patient and let the child go through whatever it is that is happening while still keeping a close eye.

I just worry I'll mess it up. I've heard so many horror stories of gay children who have come out and who have been beaten and disowned.  Others have run away rather than come out and ended up in situations none of us want our children in.  My children have nothing to fear but I don't know how to make sure they know that without a shadow of a doubt. I am their biggest supporter. Since things were so hidden and secretive I worry this child will hold it inside for fear of being rejected. It's par for the course in RAD children.

If any of my children are gay, I have no problem with that. It makes no difference to me. I just want them to be in healthy, loving relationships; Not the "relationship" they witnessed in their parents. I won't say that I'm not worried. I know how cruel the world is and I can only begin to imagine the hatred and the fear my child/ren is/are going to encounter.  I also know who I am and how sorry whoever F$%^# with my kids will be. RA or not...

Yep, I'm THAT mom and I'm equal opportunity. LOL

If only we could keep them in our own little worlds, right?

Tears of a Clown

Monday was the second team meeting for CDQ's treatment plan.

Here I was getting excited. Not because anything big had happened but that damn thing called HOPE had come back into the picture.

These people are set-UP! They got it together, they have support systems, they have the therapist, they have it all... I felt like we were all on the same page.

Where the hell were they 5 years ago? :-(

I had a voice today and oddly enough, even though I fell apart...no flare (yet? maybe) It was starting to feel good. CDQ was running through her typical motions but I felt even though these people had to go through it all too, it was going to be a good thing. We agree on treatment centers being less than helpful as far as structure and appropriateness. We agree on dress code.

They are doing all the things I already tried. They are experiencing the things that we have already....it's like deja vu, but it's happening to them instead of us. I'm not worried because they have a support system, EVERYONE is behind them.

Jealous... yeah, a little.

There is extreme concern at this time about her disassociating. The concern is that she will split personalities. She hasn't done that yet. But the frequency and ease of her checking out is startling to her therapist, more so then her antisocial diagnosis (well not a diagnosis because that can't be done officially until the age of 15 at the earliest) so I guess symptoms? Tendencies?

But the bomb dropped at the end of the session, by the way this is all via phone,  the foster father wanted me to know that CDQ already was set in her mind that she was never coming home.  Never.  The foster mother confirmed it. The case worker said that CDQ had been surprised to see my signature on the forms and to know that I was still involved. The foster father felt it was important I know this because he said they cared about me and they could hear things in my voice.   The foster parents, the case worker and the therapist all agreed, there was something I needed to do and that revealing this would be what I needed.

They told me I had to do the work first, I don't understand and I was crying and couldn't speak to ask what the work was but the idea is that I need to get help so I can help my family during and after the dissolution.

Dissolution.

I've said it, I've written about it but I've never truly been committed to it.

Three weeks ago, the case worker said she didn't think we were there yet. She thought there might be something they could do. That's when hope snuck in.

I hear what's being said. My family and I need help, we need counseling. CDQ is an abuser. In the eyes of my other children she is just like their parents and the others who have hurt them.  They are living in fear that CDQ will tell lies and they will be taken from us. They are still living in fear even though she is gone.

It has to end because if it doesn't they will never feel safe.

They (her treatment team) agree CDQ is never coming home.

All those people, I couldn't deny it.

We said our goodbyes and about 15 minutes later I lost it. I told Hubbins it felt like she has died.  She's not the same child I remember. Yes, she had problems but she had happy times. She wasn't so lost. I can still see her smile, I can see her in her little t-ball uniform. I can see her singing in her school assembly.  I have moments I've committed to memory of all my children.  A lot of firsts, a lot of actual family moments.  I remember even if she doesn't.

It's mourning in such a twisted way.  But when I think of what I am doing to my family by continuing to live in denial I can't decide which is more twisted.