Seriously...

I've been staying away from the blog because I have nothing good to say...actually I do but the bad keeps wanting to come out.

So, you can skip this one because I am going to whine and rant a little bit.

You see, not only was I allergic to the vicodin but I was also allergic to the antibiotics I was given...seriously.

Easter morning I woke up with that familiar stiffness and pain in my hands and feet...seriously.

I cried because DAMMIT I am so over being in pain. OVER.IT.

I still have stiffness.

This after having three fabulous pain-free (as far as joints go) days that I had to spend in bed because of my teeth pain.  I tried to do some yard work or something because my mobility was excellent but I kept getting yelled at by Hubbins to LIE DOWN.

I'm back to every.single.day acupuncture. Needles EVERYDAY! WHEE! not.

I missed Monday because I thought I was dying. Short of breath, knotted stomach, nausea,stiff joints and oh yeah, my mom mentioned Sunday my eyes were turning YELLOW.  Thank you, Clindamycin. Did I mention this antibiotic was a precaution and I didn't even have an infection?

Back to acupuncture, I love my doctor to bits but I was angry that I actually got a lecture for not showing on Monday.

Me.

Who's only missed one other appointment besides this past Monday in almost a year! I dragged my drugged up butt to acupuncture the day my teeth were pulled!

He even questioned if I would show up today.

I'm sorry but W.T.H!

I'm so sick of people telling me to take care of myself. What they really mean is take care of yourself*. The * is silent and I should just know that it's there hanging in the air and that it means that I am to take care of myself if it doesn't inconvenience anyone else.

The irony in it all is that CDQ's therapist is the only one and I do mean only one, family included, who really means for me to take care of myself first...no guilt involved.  Of course, I still feel guilty but at least with him, I know I'm safe from getting it thrown back in my face.

Oh yeah and my blood is black. BLACK.  It's stagnant and I need to work it out of my body some how. It's supposed to be what's causing my pain and acupuncture is supposed to be working on that black blood.   To get a picture of my pain level and desperation I actually asked my acupuncturist about blood letting (lancing parts of the body and letting blood drain out) which I stumbled upon when researching stagnant blood. He told me that I was not a case for blood letting (maybe I might have offended him a lil too) and I wanted to cry.

What's that you ask?

Crazy?

Why yes, I am crazy.

So you see, this is why I am staying away from my blog... *sigh*

Wisdom...

I'm still hanging in here. Had all four wisdom teeth removed and I'm still recovering.  Found out I was allergic to vicodin, but lucky for me, this pain isn't worse than a flare up.

I'll be back...

But just in case, have a good weekend and Happy Holidays to those celebrating!

Understanding...

How to explain this... I am so grateful for the support from Corey, Ashley and Chandra. Corey's comment was the reminder I needed and the catalyst for further thought. 

A couple of weeks ago I was reading a trauma mama's blog. She disrupted many years ago but it's clear the disruption still has it's effect on her to this day. I wrote this long comment that I thought was best for me to just e-mail to her but then I had a small flare up and never got around to sending it. 

I mulled over it that night and with the new found knowledge of having read bits and pieces from the Orlando trauma mama's blogs, I realized that: 

1.) I am not alone completely. 

2.) Maybe the whole stigma with disruption/dissolution is changing since I first started blogging (This iteration of my blog isn't the first one.) ?

Let's face it too...it is so easy to fall into the stinkin' thinkin' of I am alllllll allllllone. 

But as I wrote that post, I said I didn't expect anyone to understand...but it was the unwritten I didn't expect people to understand. 

In fact, I am terrified that people still won't understand it. I've told my mother and my husband and I am about to tell you. 

But first, my mom GETS IT.  I had called her on the way back from the therapist when he first told me of CDQ's accusations and I was still in a state of shock. I mean I really don't know how to handle this. 

When I drove up my mom met me outside and she actually hugged me and she was crying and mumbling something about staying strong. 

All this time, she has been that voice. We ALL know that voice. "You're just too soft on her.", "You just need to tell her to snap out of it.", "you just don't want to try.", "Why don't you just give them all away.", "If you can get rid of one, then who's next.", etc...

Those words hurt so bad. I am not a quitter and my mother knew this. But she still rolled her eyes and said hurtful things to me when I tried to explain things to her. She didn't want to hear it. 

But now, these accusations and her full understanding of the possible danger my kids, and my husband are in because of lies. Plain and simple, anybody that knows me knows that this is not true. I have worked with children for many years off and on and now all that is at stake too?

Anyhow. I tried explaining to my mom that I felt that CDQ was a lot like her mother but smarter. She told me that it sounded to her that it was my problem with their mother and not CDQ. I've never held anything my sister has done against my kids. Never resented them because of my sister and I've even explained to them when they were trying to make me pay for what my sister did that I never tried to "collect" anything off of them. My problem was with their bio mom and never them.  In fact, I am guilty of being too soft on them because of who their mother is.  I feel like they were cheated. 

My mom tried to make it sound like I was making CDQ the fall guy and that just isn't true. These accusations made her open her eyes that there is indeed something terribly wrong with CDQ.  In fact, I've come to understand that possibly a lot of my hostility in my writing and my posts may be indirectly fielding off the verbal "blows" of my mother. 

Compound that with the last therapist telling me "Oh, *I* wouldn't have done that..." or "those are your issues", etc...

I came to a realization that CDQ has been able to get to me because she has learned from the best. There was only one time where she triggered me and I KNEW it was my issue and I reacted in a way I wasn't proud of.  I'm grateful that I never went to extremes on my own- but I've never cussed *at* any of my kids until that day. I told CDQ- "FU get out of my room." ( I know people have said and done much worse but I feel so guilty about that incident and she doesn't even seem to remember it! I'm freaking out that I'm actually putting it on the blog!) As soon as she finally did decide to leave after continuing her assault on me. I was able to sit there and ask myself "where in the world did that come from?" and I realized it was a direct reaction from hearing her words come from my step-father before. 

You see, I've realized that I am essentially raising the product of the person who molested and possibly raped me.  Even though she is his grandchild, he hurt her too and it's HIS ways that she is using to abuse other people. With the help of her bio mom, she's been able to take it to a higher level for her age. 

Maybe I should feel sorry for her. Maybe I should be more understanding of her. But this time it is my hang up, this is why I feel this insane need to protect my family.  I mean I would feel that way any way but I think in this case my body is reacting to it's memories that I have stored away and that is why I can't gain the control because I don't know. I can't remember. I just get these flashbacks that leave me guessing if I even give them that time. 

I've processed quite a bit of stuff in acupuncture that I didn't even realize was something that was still an issue for me or that it ever was an issue. 

The very first thing I processed was the death of my best friend. I said I was going to write a post about it and I will in my next post. 

But what I didn't expect people to understand, was that I don't see CDQ as my step father, but I do see her as a skillful abuser now.  Parts that she consciously chooses to use against people. It's easy to say she's just a child, but my step father was a child too and if we start going down that road... it still boils down to personal choices and CDQ does know right from wrong. 

I think it's important that I say that I don't hold a grudge against either of them. Do I want to speak or see either of them...no.  I don't feel like it's a safe situation and I am certain it would be the mind#$%^ olympics if they had their chance to try to convince me how stupid and wrong I am. Because it's what they do, that's how they groom you to break you down...this circular logic that makes no sense and it's sole purpose is to make you feel inadequate and worthless. 

But it's truth. I have a feeling my children would understand it but I don't want to stir things up with them, as it is CDQ is accusing me of turning them all against her. 

But, this is the thing I feel so alone in.  I keep trying to think of ways that I am wrong about this, but maybe I just need to let it be what it is and just go from there...

And I thought RAD WAS the hard stuff....

Yesterday*, ah yesterday, it was a day where maybe for the first time I felt like a real Mom.

I mentioned in my last post that we were moving on and boy are we. At least as fast as I can considering my physical condition.

It's been a while since we shut down baby monitors in the house but Tuesday is when I finally shut down the video camera system in the house. It's all or nothing baby, all or nothing... we've waited too long for her to get better and as this post will show it hindered the growth of the other kids.

Let me preface this by saying that as much as it is going to sound like CDQ is a scapegoat, I will kill all that noise right now by saying she truly was the cause. My other kids are by no means saints. They still lie and steal but those weren't the reasons for the monitoring. The monitoring was in place for the safety of everyone.

After all, let me quote a recent conversation I had with CDQ:
CDQ: "I NEVER hurt them. NEVER!"
Me: "really?"
CDQ: (with conviction even) "I NEVER HURT THEM ON VIDEO!"


So, um, yeah.

I take responsibility for the things that happened and basically letting CDQ run the house. I have to, I am the adult. It sounds like a reluctance I know, but it's more confusion. What frustrates me is that I STILL don't know how it all happened. Everything seemed like it was such a little thing to concede for her to get better. But there was a high cost. The sting is lessened by the fact that the therapist told me that he had to have a talk with the RTC staff because they too were becoming confounded by her.

Boy can she play that sympathy card. By that I mean, she works someone...she brings out the weaknesses in you. She twists things so that she is always the victim. She's even brought up the suicide of a cousin who she really had no connection to at all, writes her letters and everything like they were BFFs. She has you share things because you end up thinking, hey, maybe if I tell her this happened to me, etc...she will see that things turn out ok or that I can sympathize with whatever she's talking about.  Then when she's got you in deep, she starts the mind games. She starts throwing those daggers of truth you shared with her right at you. Everybody remarks on how they forget she's just a child and how mature she is for her age.

With all that said and hopefully out of the way... I will tell you that things are evening out with the boy. All of his behaviors were and can be attributed to his past traumas which have come flooding and thrashing out of him. We were on the fence when it came to the levels of abuse he might have suffered because he was the only boy and one of the youngest but it turns out it made no difference. He was not spared.

The change in him since he let those truths and feelings out...WOW~!  He's very energetic, talkative, willing to help, inquisitive...just....a different boy. Most of the time he is happy and when he's not he comes to ME! He won't look me in the eye but he tells me he is having a hard time and he's sad and he tells me why if he knows why and then....get ready for this...

He rushes to me and throws his arms around me and hugs me tightly and cries. It happens several times a week... and that is so not a complaint.

His heart is healing and he's learning to express himself and that he is safe! He's already come in here several times during the writing of this post to share with me ANY LITTLE THING. LOL! He's so happy and carefree for the most part now.

Yesterday was a great family day. The kids studied the Dire Wolf in homeschool and they made a yummy dinner with Hubbins and helped clean up and clear out stuff.  There was no yelling and no fighting and no rages and no behaviors...except...and I wouldn't even call this RAD at all...

Poufy....she has a strong personality and isn't afraid to be bossy and tell people how to do things. In fact, she has a take charge mentality.  The boy, he's just coming out of his shell.

Last night, they were helping clean up after dinner while I was trying to rest up so I could transfer Hubbins to bed.  In comes the boy...he starts to tell me that he was going to get the plastic wrap and that he decided he needed to shift the step stool to get to it properly and that Poufy reached up to try and get it and the plastic wrap ended up falling and hitting him on the head.  Then he told me, she laughed and said his egghead was so hard it would never break. Then came the flood of tears and he crumpled up and said "that hurt my feelings."

I will admit, my jaw probably hit the floor and I stared a little bit longer than I should've but he vocalized his feelings and acknowledged them and well, it wasn't a tantrum or a rage. He was raw and hurting. I asked him if he had let Poufy know that he felt that way and he shook his head that he hadn't then I told him he needed to let people know when they hurt his feelings so they would know they had done it. I was pretty sure Poufy hadn't meant to hurt his feelings. I also told him I could have a talk with Poufy but I thought it was better if he told her when things happened how he felt. Basically I told him he needed to start standing up for himself or it would keep happening.

So, he straightened back up and made his way out of here. I went behind him to have that talk with Poufy and came back to my room,  a couple of minutes later Poufy comes in standing by the door (she's the only child left who hasn't broken down and talked about her abuse) stiff as a board.

If I thought I stared to long at the boy.... she started in with how he's always trying to get her in trouble, blah, blah blah... but then I looked at her and told her he was in fact not trying to get her in trouble but was sad because she had hurt his feelings. I explained to her that he felt that she didn't care if she hurt his feelings or not. Because he had basically said he hadn't told Poufy how he felt because she doesn't care.

Well, Poufy's neck was rocking all over the place and her head was bobbling around and her arms were crossed in front of her chest and suddenly her face crumbled.  "But I DO care!" Snot dripped from her nose and she cried "I do care but he thinks I don't care about ANYTHING."

I was stunned, honestly, I didn't think she cared either. lol Not in a bad way, just in the sibling way you know...like I said, she's bossy and you know bossy people they tend to focus. :-)

These were real tears and sadness, none of that fake stuff.

I asked her if she ever told him that she cares and she shook her head no. I told her maybe she could tell him. Like if she wanted him to shut up or leave her alone, may be she could say "Hey, I need some quiet time right now, so can you tell me later?" I told her or maybe she could show it by letting him do some of the stuff some time, ya know, like "Hey, why don't you get the plastic wrap this time?"

It's such basic stuff but we've never been able to get to it. With the failure to thrive when they first arrived and then the full on meltdowns and behaviors, they've never been in a place to really hear what I am saying.

It all felt so....normal.

But then my stomach fell. I started to wonder, maybe I was wrong all that time when I thought if we could just get past the RAD then the hard work will be done...what if now, when my kids are all puddles of vulnerability and they are waiting and willing for my guidance to shape and mold them, what if now is when the real hard work begins?

So, I've been re evaluating, all those things I wanted to instill in my children before I ever had children and all those revisions after these kids came along and then the further revisions because of RAD. I've got a lot of thinking to do and I have to admit...I'm excited!


-----
* This post was actually written March 24th. No editing has been done to it save for some quotation marks, the asterisk and this update.

The other side...

I've started this post as well, but this time I'm going to finish this one...lol!

I definitely have things to say about my last post and this incredible epiphany I had...

But for now...the flip side. Why we keep holding on...why what we do makes a difference even when it seems like we are complete failures.

 Last weekend we had a BBQ. It was a beautiful day.  There was a slight breeze and the kids had been dying to plant our "garden". We have been wanting to do this for years but because of safety reasons we never could.

 As I stood out there delegating jobs to kids, it donned on me when they were getting down to the job at hand that it was peaceful.  There wasn't a child verbally insulting another child. There wasn't a child inside raging. There was this:

Let me hold that while you cut it.

and this:

Do you think we should put this here next to this?

I think we need a bigger hole in the bag, but I'll help pull it out. 

Even an opportunity to teach about feelings.

It feels soft to me or I feel picky sticks in it. It's wet to me. Really? It feels dry to me.
The lesson: Everybody's experiences are different.

Then came the picking of the plants. 

See the smiles and the focus. Not a single fight or argument. 

I loved how they helped each other. I loved that while I took these pics, Hubbins was describing to them what they needed to do. 

Meanwhile, my grandmother even got in on the action. When I was younger I remember she always wanted an umbrella and table out in the front yard and she always wanted to have a garden but my grandfather wouldn't let her.  That day she sat out under our umbrella  between the picnic table and the grill and she watched the kids plant. They had decided the strawberries needed a place of their own and Nana was more than happy to help them out with it.  Another want of hers accomplished. I am so proud she got the chance, even if it's one plant in a pot...

We are healing...my kids transitioned much more easily then I did. I've had to learn that if I don't watch carefully and focus on the now, they might just leave me behind. 

These days we are dealing with typical sibling behaviors.  In fact, I know I have a draft all about an incident prior to this one that just melted my heart.  I will post that later. (Really, I will, lol.)

After the pain and anger...

Yet again I have many posts in draft.   How well my kids are doing...all the awesome trauma mamas Orlando dug up from the internets.  What normal family life feels like...

But I've been floating in this surreal space.

The. End.

I don't know how to describe or explain any of it.

I suspect only a little bit of it hits me at random moments.

My gut told me about this one and I still signed on the line...

so. stupid.

You can't help someone unless they want to help themselves. People don't change unless they want to change...over and over...broken record.

"Save who you can."
"Focus on your 80% success rate."
"Don't blame yourself."
"I'm sorry I have to do this..."

I sit here with a purple hand. It's in my head. Not the purple but the cause...I can't control my body's reactions.

Broken.

Takenlife. Takenhope. Takenfaith. Takeninnocence. Takentrust. Takenlove.

Taken.

CDQ has accused me of sexually abusing her in my home and at a restaurant bathroom.

Done.

Crazy or not.  Trauma or not. RAD or not.

Done.

Call me selfish. I don't give a fuck.

Call me whatever.

I'm done.

Irony...wearing a shirt that says "I just realized...I don't care."

Somewhere I know I do and that's why I am so lost right now.

She actually hugged me like she never accused me of anything. She doesn't know I know. So sick of the games, the manipulation, her emptiness.  How do I tell the others? Do I tell the others?  They are doing SO well.

Sociopath, sociopath, sociopath, sociopath...SOCIOPATH.

Signs and symptoms

Characteristics of people with antisocial personality disorder may include:^[3]

• Apparent lack of remorse^[4] or empathy for others
• Persistent lying or stealing
• Cruelty to animals^[5]
• Poor behavioral controls — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper
• A history of childhood conduct disorder
• Recurring difficulties with the law
• Promiscuity
• Tendency to violate the boundaries and rights of others
• Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights
• Inability to tolerate boredom
• Poor or abusive relationships
• Irresponsible work behavior
• Disregard for safety

Other common characteristics of those with Antisocial Personality Disorder include superficial charm, shallowed emotions, a distorted sense of self, a constant search for new sensations (which can have bizarre consequences), a tendency to physically or verbally abuse peers or relatives, and manipulation of others without remorse or empathy for the victim.Egocentrism, megalomania, lack of responsibility, extroversion, excessive hedonism, high impulsivity, and the desire to experience sensations of control and power can also be present. This type of disorder does not relate to assaults of panic or to schizophrenia. (Dictionary)

I don't want to ever see or talk to that child again.   I don't think I can get past this. I don't think I can see her as anything but evil.  Sometimes, they ARE born this way.  Like mother, like daughter.  I thought she could be saved, I was so wrong.

Please listen to your gut and not your heart before you adopt.  Even if it's a sibling group. I could have saved my kids so much more trauma if I would have listened to my gut.  I had a bad feeling about this child when I had last seen her when she was 3 years old. By then she had already pushed her brother into a cactus and laughed as he screamed in pain gasping for air...she had stepped on her newborn sister's head and jumped on her chest like she was a trampoline...the baby had been sleeping. It's not sibling rivalry or jealousy.  I'm not even sure it's environment.

You might think the best thing is to keep them all together, or the best thing is a family with love, caring, support, understanding...  You might think, he/she is just a child...they don't know, they are mentally sick....even so...protect yourself and others.

I tried to get help. I made mistakes in who I trusted. I tried to keep our family together. I avoided RTC and anything that would label CDQ as a bad kid. I thought she just needed a chance. I protected the wrong things.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do but save the others.  I don't expect anyone to understand.