Staring at a clean slate...

These last two weeks have been... hard.

I've laughed, I've cried, I've flared, I've avoided a cold...

hard.

CDQ was supposed to be placed in a treatment foster home yesterday but the foster mother met her and decided to not even take her for a four hour pass. Smart woman. I had some concerns anyway. But now it looks like no one (meaning agency) has a placement for her. I don't know what that means since the insurance has determined as long as she doesn't want to kill herself or others she is good to go home and the TFC is supposed to be the transition that builds the gap and prepares her to return home. Except the center doesn't want her to come home. She hasn't changed an iota.  They are starting to see some new behaviors, which ones, I don't know.

Imagine this fun convo...

Agency man: So can you tell me a little about how CDQ divided the staff at treatment center?
Me: wide eyed silence...stuttering...um.... I'm ....not, sure...do you mean...x, y , or z?
Agency man: the Director at treatment center told me CDQ divided her staff.
Me: Well... they didn't tell me that...

I talked to the director and CDQ had half the staff feeling sorry for her and the other staff knowing better. The one's feeling sorry for her were yelling at the others to stop "picking" on her.  Triangulation 101 people...hello! Seems she turned on the staff that was supporting her and now they got a lesson from the school of hard knocks. Seems they are "understanding the family's position better."

*sigh*

I flared because of all this and because I wasn't going to acupuncture like I should have been. My PTSD reared it's ugly head and I almost made a scene in Anatomy class which I wouldn't even be able to explain other than sheer paranoia.

My other kids have had some bumps but are kicking homeschool @$$. Please don't think I haven't whined and yelled about this though. The same with cleaning their rooms so I can take pictures for the internetz and show them what good work they do. Believe me when I say this is not complaining... C'mon...we are n.o.r.m.a.l. now. How could I even think of complaining (for real).

Oh and school... school has been challenging and fun and hard.  Lots of 100/200 question quizzes and exams. In fact, this coming week I have a quiz or exam in every single class. I shouldn't even be taking this time, but I should...you know?

I've had three patients in clinic so far.  I love it. I was worried about the whole people part of becoming a doctor (LOL!) but I think I've handled it just fine. I had a challenging patient who had RA and Fibro amongst other things and I was so happy that I could make a connection with her. She really needed to know that she wasn't alone and I guess I needed to as well. I've never met anyone in person who has these same diseases since I've been diagnosed. I saw the tell tale fingers, her scarred body from joint replacements. I saw her fear and I reassured her she did not need to justify herself to me or anyone else for that matter. I knew what she was doing because I do it myself.

A couple of weeks ago in Bio lab I paired up with this girl. I was having trouble remembering my metric system math and she whizzed right through it. She offered to stay and help but there was no way I was going to take her Saturday afternoon from her so I told her she should just go and I'll figure it out. I told her she was really good at it. What she said left me standing there staring at her as she packed her stuff and left the room. My vision grew blurry... she said, "oh darlin', I'm no better than you." and she walked away.

This hit me so hard because I've always felt people are better than me and I'm stuck with losers (in my childhood). I've made sure to surround myself with people who I perceive are better than me. People to aspire to. I realized day in and day out I tell my kids the same exact thing, nobody is better than you... no one can make you feel inferior without your consent... But deep down, I feel just like they do. Now that I am aware of it I need to figure out how to change this and teach them how to change it for themselves. I thought I had already fixed this about me but apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg. 

It seems like every time...

I come here it's to say I am still here, still blogging, still breathing.

Ok, sorry about that. Typed the one line and Purries decided it was her turn with mom for some kitty love. Poor girl. It's 3:30 am and she comes to bitch at her mama for not being around.

Anyhow, things are hectic for me. I'm in my third week at the community college and my second week in med school. I'm having some troubles with an instructor. Well, I'll just outright say it. He's an asshole. It's an online class so I was giving him the benefit of the doubt but I've revised that. Definitely an asshole. I'm doing fine in the class but I could do without his smart ass remarks because I am trying to get some clarity from him on his ambiguous expectations and I guess I'm expecting too much because I expect him to like, answer questions and um, TEACH. I don't like his condescending attitude. He comes across like he's talking to a 2 year old. I have three degrees, one of which I completed online. This isn't my first go around the block, if you know what I mean?

I'm still working, still homeschooling, still...

My RA and fibro are in check (or they were as I type this but you know the internets and all that jazz.)

The kids are straggling a little in homeschool this week. Rather I should say the girls are straggling a little. Which I expected since they don't have anyone to crack the whip. lol! Actually, Hubbins is supposed to take over homeschooling for me. He's been working with them. Here I pause to chuckle because Hubbins has no clue. Hubbins if you are reading this, you truly don't.  The material yes, but how the curriculum works, uh uh. It's ok though. You'll get it. I was still trying to get it when my own school started and I can't really say I have a firm grasp on it now.

We are using Sonlight and it can be very... confusing. I know it will get easier as we become accustomed to the schedules but there's a lot to shuffle before you find the path. Lots of goodies to integrate. That could be said for any curriculum though.  The boy, however, is soaring in math. He's floating on cloud 9 around the house because I already had to place an order for his next set of math books that will be the identical workbooks Poufy is working in.  By the end of this week he will have completed the two workbooks required for 1st grade and will be sliding right in beside his sister. To say he is excited and pleased is an understatement. Poufy on the other hand not so much. It's the kick in the pants she needs to get going and it's the boost the boy needs to give him self-confidence because he still has none. Win-win.

Other than requesting a necessity allowance and allergy meds for CDQ, I've heard nothing. This month I switched the kids insurance to a different provider that will take effect November 1 and I'm terrified it is going to mess things up for CDQ. I don't know how switching works but this particular insurance is directly from the hospital and providers in the area.   The other one was from the competing hospital but they've gone downhill and they are paying out to the insurance I just switched to, which makes me think that is why they (insurance) are trying to cut CDQ's services short. It's not like the big names (BC/BS, etc...) that can go anywhere. However, this particular association has more services that benefit all my children, Poufy's endocrinologist and CDQ's facility being just two of the main reasons and the new hospital that is 20 minutes from my house. I'm hoping the switch will restart CDQ's eligibility but I'm scared to call the center and let them know too soon in case it doesn't work out that way.

My heart is heavy and still hurts when I think of CDQ. I drive by the center where she's at on my way to school and my school is actually the building right next to where our former therapists work.  It's a constant reminder of all that has happened and all that I am working toward. Not that any of it has faded away.

As usual, I have so much to say and so little time to say it. I have some posts in drafts that I am working on. I want to remember my first steps on my journey towards my medical career (I was shocked the first time one of my instructors said that...what medical career? lol). I had to order a laptop so that I could work when I'm away from home.  Maybe I can squeeze in some of this stuff.

I will leave you with this memory that I have been holding onto tightly. My kids are sitting around the kitchen table. We've just finished our spelling segment and we are moving into music. The kids had to learn the Ocean and Continents song and Stars and Stripes Forever. I told them if they passed they could play instruments as they sang along to it, one final time. I have the instruments laid out on the table, they all passed and are eyeing each wooden instrument weighing their decisions. I decided to play each song twice and let them switch through the instruments.  Each child has carefully chosen and every time the music starts up.....they suddenly start tapping the bongo, shaking the tambourine, etc... to no particular beat at all. None of them have rhythm and they were all doing their own thing. LOL! I tried to teach them to count and clap out beats. Holy-moly.  It was the funniest thing ever. I wish I would have recorded it but I literally didn't want to leave to get the camera. I didn't want to miss a second of it. It was loud but they loved it. Their laughter was the true music on that day.