Journaling...

I mentioned starting a journal with SS in this post.  It's been a success I would say. She has cracked me up on several occasions with the way she thinks.

Case in point-

I know this is scary for an 11 year old, grade level wise- but I will get into that in a minute. I love this post because I can see her thought process and the title was a relief after so many blood drenched nightmares filled with death and murder.

For awhile, I was starting to believe that SS had a learning disability. But, as they say in the book Adopting The Hurt Child,  In the "Lags in Learning" portion. It's a method of survival for the child to act stupid and eventually the child will appear to be stupid.  I'm not saying that SS is stupid... uh uh. That girl is far from it. But her self esteem and confidence is so low, I've been thinking it's the easier way out for her.

We've had some serious conversations in her journal.  She has some profound ideas on life and I've learned she draws her attention from others by being overly sympathetic and caring.  One might not think that would be too bad, but it's not completely sincere and it is taken to the limit.

She saves her "tough talk" for the journal, but to the outside world, she can't break a plate.  Little eye contact, unless she is trying to intimidate and mumbled language.

I struggle with some of my responses to her.  One particular writing comes to mind where she was talking about life and how she views it. Her philosophy on life is what she calls "a hard on life."

I struggled because she was writing with such emotion and such depth I was hurting for her until I found myself laughing almost uncontrollably over that one line (stress release maybe?) Don't worry, I never read it in front of her.   I believe she meant hard KNOCK life, like from Annie.  I struggled with whether to correct her when she was opening up so much. I decided against it, although I think I should possibly revisit it or have her watch Annie to see if she picks up on it. It might be unfortunate for her to repeat that to someone else later on down the line, you know?

I'm still contemplating journal writing with the others. I don't want it to be forced and I definitely don't want it to become another way for them to attack me.

I do know that I will definitely be keeping this journal and any others that follow for SS to have when she is older. Even though on the outside she doesn't appear to be changing much. There is definitely a revolution taking place inside her. The anger, her desire to be in charge of herself and not follow what others want or expect of her.  She's fighting for herself and her independence from her siblings and it scares her.

I'll be there, rooting for her all the way and helping her get back on track when she loses her path. I actually feel honored to be able to see this happening. Maybe not in the day to day stuff but most definitely through the big picture.

It's all about finding the right technique...

but which is it?

I would say that SS is my most sensitive child. She takes everything to heart and she cares so deeply, it worries me.

She's also probably the child who is the most attached to me.

Lately, she's been especially clingy. Hugging me so hard it feels like she is trying to break me or worried if she doesn't hold on tight enough I will vanish.

Even more recent, she has been been grabbing my hand and bursting into tears and then throwing herself in a big hard hug around me.

It started about a month ago.  She was helping the oldest bring in the poop-a-loops (dogs) and she lost her footing on air ( did I mention she is also very awkward and clumsy as she is quickly approaching the age of 11?) and fell flat. I asked her if she was ok and she quickly popped up from the floor and she rubbed her knee, shaking her head yes, she was fine and started to head out the door. I was at my computer and was swiveling in my chair to face back towards the computer when out of nowhere she appeared with her arms around my neck sobbing.

I thought something was physically wrong. I asked her where it hurt and all she could do was heave and sob. I was really worried because I couldn't understand how she could have hurt herself so bad. She didn't fall on anything or trip, it was a clear floor and a straight shot down. I started to think maybe she was embarrassed.

That's when the oldest came in with the two younger poopers. (I call the dogs what ever comes to mind at any given moment. Mainly poopers... but I digress) she told me that she knew what was wrong with SS, I asked her to tell me. She told me that SS confided to her earlier when they were looking for the older dog out in the yard that she was having bad dreams.

When I asked SS about it, she couldn't tell me about her dreams at first, she was crying that hard.  I asked her if she was seeing babies in the hallway again. She said yes and that she was seeing people in our house too.  I told her I had noticed that she was awake a lot around 2-3 am.  She said she was waking up and couldn't go back to sleep. She finally told me she had dreamt that we were all in the car but she fell out and she had to go to this hotel but a lot of people had died there and there was blood every where in puddles and dripping. I stopped her there because she was crying and it was bedtime, I was worried when she went to bed it might pick up where she left off again.

I  asked her if she remembered J from the videos about tapping. She said she did. I told her that J called all those bad, weird or scary feelings (probably not exactly accurate, but I was put on the spot. lol) Yuckies.  I also told her that she took an imaginary balloon of any color she wished and J, with the help of her mom ( Lisa, of course!) would blow all those bad things into the balloon and then let it go up, up into the sky until she couldn't see it anymore. I told her she could just send them straight up there to disappear or she could even send them to God to sort out for her if she thought they needed sorting.

Then I told her about Torina's boys and how right before bed, they think about the things they want to dream about.  At first, she was confused.  I told her it could be anything. You can imagine dreaming about eating the biggest ice cream sundae ever or riding a beautiful horse. Anything you can imagine. Then she was excited.

Lastly, I addressed the hallucinations. She had them before and the meds she was on made them stop.  The insurance company decided they were going to go generic and those didn't work. They sent me a letter that explained how name brand doesn't mean better and they were denying my appeal for the meds that were working. I wanted to write to them and tell them I didn't give a flying you know what if it was brand name or whatever just as long as it helped my child. But in the long run, I decided drugs weren't the answer for my kids. I think they were just masking all the things that are still bottled up inside them.

Anyhow, I asked her about the people and the babies. What they do. She said they just walk around. I asked her if she ever talked to them. Her reaction was priceless. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" was her reply in the most are you out of YOUR freaking mind attitude. lol!

I asked her why not. She was silent. I asked her if it bothered her that they were around. She nodded they did. I told her "Why don't you just tell them. Maybe they don't know they are scaring you or bothering you?  Maybe if they knew they would go because they don't want you to feel that way."

She looked skeptical when I told her she just needed to level with them. "Just let them know... hey, this is my house and you are bothering me. Please leave." She giggled nervously.  I told her she would never know unless she told them.

This happened at bedtime, I sent her off to bed. The next morning she was all grins and hugs. She did it! She blew up her bubbles and sent her yuckies in the sky and it worked. But she didn't dream about what she had wanted to.  Not bad dreams but not what she thought she was going to. She was really happy that day.

A week or so later around lunch time she told me that she had seen the people walking around and had just told them to go. She was thrilled to report that they actually DID go (who knew?) and hadn't been back.  (phew!)

Fast forward to the middle of last week, it was morning and she was a mess. She had decided she wanted to dream about horses except in her dream the horses ended up turning on her and their hooves were smashing her.

This time I tried to introduce the concept of controlling your own dreams. I told her it's hard at first and there's no guarantee that you can do it or will always be able to do it, it weird like that. But I suggested she try to change the dream. Make it to where right before something was changing into something she didn't like-- she could try to control  it and say no, it's going to go this way. I also told her that when she can't control it in the dream or can't seem to wake herself up, to tell herself in the dream that it was all just a dream and couldn't hurt her.

I don't know what she dreamed about in the following days but she was helping me prepare dinner and with a sly smile she told she actually changed a dream.  She was thrilled like it was her little secret.

Then yesterday, I was sitting next to her at dinner and again, she broke into tears, sobbing and unable to speak as she clung to me. She said she was having bad dreams. Everyone was looking at her. The kids were offering up suggestions. I said in a low voice, "is it about stuff that's happened in the past?", she shook her head yes. I was wishing I was going to be off the mark so badly with that guess.  I just held her until she was somewhat composed. The other kids were eagerly looking at her. I said loud enough for everyone to hear that I would talk to her about it tomorrow.  She took a deep breath and sat back in her chair shaking her head in agreement.  I could see she was relieved that I wasn't going to make it a dinner discussion.

So today (Feb, 13... since Lord only knows if and when I will finish this post and publish it--I have so many outdated drafts) , I was supposed to talk to her but instead, I am trying out a journal with her. I will probably make one for all the kids. I was thinking it may be a way for me to connect personally with all the kids since there are so many and so little time. I'm ashamed to say I don't even know basic things like favorite colors, or food...with five kids and caring for Hubbins,  it changes so often and quickly I can't keep up.  I noticed with SS, that she has a hard time telling me things and looking at me when she does. I pulled out a spiral notebook with lined paper and she choose a colored pen. I told her that she could always talk to me but I thought it might be easier for her to write things down for me to read instead, on her own time, when she's ready.  It would just be between us, no one else would read it. We could just write to each other. Again, I reminded her that I was open to talk to her anytime and that I thought this might be easier. I was trying to reassure her that I wasn't brushing her off or didn't care about what she had to say. As you can see I am still on the fence about the whole thing, but she smiled and scooped up that notebook and hugged it close to her chest like it was a stuffed animal.

We'll see how it goes. Each step is like a shot in the dark isn't it?...hit or miss... still I can say with certainty that I think my kids will progress better this way then if I were to bring a therapist into the mix.                        I worry about being wrong, but my gut is telling me bringing a stranger in will put us back at square one.

Hair!

Here I thought for sure I'd totally messed up and said too much to CDQ and was just awful in what I said to CDQ and I find out everyone thinks it was the way to go.  It's all so confusing! 

She's on the up and up now and the boy decided it's his turn to be an @$$.  *sigh* Oh well...

Anyhow, the title of my post... with 4 girls, 3 of whom I still do their hair I am in a constant battle of how to keep their hair tidy. So, these are two of the things that I have tried recently.

Poufy, Poufy, Poufy...her hair is soooooooo...Poufy I had cut it short but the fact is it is a total nightmare trying to figure it out in the morning, cute as the last cut was. 

I've been trying to figure out how to keep it tamed and decided on mini french braids (as Karlton would say, which was the inspiration for this style.lol) connected to each other throughout her head.  I've got to say the style held up for three days. I already have plans to make it better than before, before I had a thought but now I am dangerous...I have a plan. lol 

SS, on the other hand, always has her hair flopped in her face. Not so much as CDQ ,because CDQ is growing out bangs but still I wanted to pull back SS's hair so she could see and we could see her. lol 

I'm still learning how to part and all that crap but this worked and she was really happy with it. I don't have anything on CDQ because this was last week while she was on her rant but I figure I'll be diving in on her hair next with the bangs growing out and all. 

I'm going to let them regrow their hair out long. I don't know how long it will last but we'll see. 

Trying to bring her back

Yesterday, SS had two teeth pulled, 2 spacers put in and a crown.

I was worried because her previous dental experience was a nightmare. I don't have dental problems so I didn't know all about the crowns, root canals and all the ton of work these kids needed to get them fixed up.

I also didn't know when a dentist was being an A-hole when it came to treatment. Turns out he pulled teeth, forced crowns that didn't fit and was just awful to SS all without numbing her. He gave her a shot but left her there for so long it had worn off and she felt everything. He had her in a headlock putting these things in and he even left a bruise on her cheek. He assured me this was normal. No, SS wasn't fighting him, she was trying to hold back the tears.

I trusted the dentist because he was referred to us by the kids Godmother. I guess he doesn't like working with kids though. He referred us out to a pediatric dentist for the two youngest and when I had their work done and saw the difference I felt like such a fool for allowing and believing the other dentist who told me things were "normal".

So, SS went in for the first time with this new awesome dentist. I tried to reassure her that this would be different but I don't blame her for not believing me at first. This dentist is incredible. SS only cried once and it was from fear at the beginning.

He pulled two teeth and she didn't even know it. I happened to be reading about trauma while we were waiting and I finally understood where SS was at.

SS has perhaps the worst case out of all of them of PTSD. We think she saw her biological father kill her baby sister. It's all up in the air because she shuts down. She's on meds to control hallucinations. She disassociates frequently but when she's "here". She's funny and happy and carefree. She has the biggest heart and the prettiest smile.

I've been worried about her. She insists that she's not hallucinating or hearing voices anymore.
She also says she's sleeping fine. But she's still not here and I've been worried until now.

Today at the dentist's office she wouldn't even look at me, as it's been over the space of three weeks. She gets happy but she hasn't been happy.

While she was in the chair, I reached out for her hand. I squeezed it the way I do when we hold hands. It's "our" thing. At first, she didn't respond and I felt so sad.

But then as they were working on her teeth. She smiled in between and started squeezing my hand and she pulled me close. I caught a glimpse of the real SS that gets tucked away to be kept safe by her.

Afterwards I took her out for a frosty and then to the Dollar Store for the some hair accessories and some lip balm because I read that lip balm can help with bonding if the child feels nurtured and likes the feeling from it.

I was so happy for that connection. I almost felt like when we left the office, the anticipation of going to the dentist and the unknown may have caused her to be spacy. It's so hard to know. But for now we have her back and she's bouncy and happy and talking about radio Disney and just being herself.

I'm proud of her and I know she's proud too. She survived the dentist and brought her trophy teeth home in a little plastic ring container to prove it!

Takes ME to know ONE!!

Lately I've been dealing with the Oldest thinking she can bully all "the little ones" around. She keeps calling them stupid, retarded, dumb, etc...

This is unacceptable and I've threatened her with a grounding just minutes before I started this post. Enough is enough right?

At any rate, yesterday for the gazillionth time I heard that so and so did such and such this time at the dinner table where we trying to enjoy our dinner.

SS said that the Oldest called her stupid and I told her "You know what? It takes one to know one." and I nodded towards her with a sly smile. She nodded back as a wide smile spread across her face and she proclaimed "YEAH, IT TAKES ME TO KNOW ONE! HMPH!"

I was so glad I hadn't taken the bite I was about to because I went into near hysterics over that one. I don't know it was just soooo funny. It was great to have a good belly laugh with tears streaming down my face.

Sometimes I wish I could capture these moments on film but I guess writing them here will just have to do.

Nine is Fine

SS wanted cupcakes for her birthday celebration at home and these are enormous ones from Costco. They were like individual mini cakes. I heart Costco soooo much!

Being 9 is so exciting. Can't you see the excitement on her face? Presents! Presents! Presents!

And presents there were. You might remember that post about the Dora Vanity? Well, I didn't want it to go to waste so I decided to give it to this child. I see I did something right. lol
Can you see the sheer joy of receiving a Strawberry Shortcake styling head (or some such thing)? And we can't forget the beautiful Tutu that she received from TKW over at The Decorated Duckling can we? She felt like such a princess. (Those beautiful Tutus will be a separate post, because CDQ got one too and they are so beautiful!)
I am so amazed by this kid, I was so afraid that we might have lost her when she was first placed here. She never showed emotion, she hardly spoke. We had no idea who she was and if she was even really still there. She seemed like such a shell of a child. She had been through and seen so much.

I remember meeting her when she was about 2 years old. She would run into my room while I worked on the computer and she would stand there with her hand upturned and say "why?" when I would respond "why what?" she would ask a question and I would answer her and she would say "why?" again. It seemed like she wasn't even interested in the answer. She just wanted to say "why?". lol

Her progress over the last three months has been amazing. She's a sassy and silly girl with a big heart. Her smile lights up her face and shows her true beauty inside and out. She is such a hard worker and she cares so deeply about so many things.

Her naivety cracks us all up on a daily basis. I worry about it but I figure as long as she feels comfortable in front of us to make her mistakes maybe we can work on bringing her up to speed.

Happy Ninth Birthday!

She can see clearly now, part 2...

Here's Strawberry Shortcake with her new glasses. We picked them up yesterday before school. Unlike Poufy, she couldn't confirm whether she could see or not in them....grrrrreat.

Tune in next week when we find out when CDQ gets her glasses and if the oldest and the boy need glasses too.

Oh, and Hubs will be getting new ones in March.

As for me, I think I can see. I've passed all the eye tests, even the ones they can't see with flying colors. Phew! I don't think I should pay for them to tell me I can read all the charts. lol