So I broke down and called...

CDQs therapist suggested that I not call for 2 weeks. I know I've said this over and over again. With her calling here it hasn't been easy. I actually feel like a child pouting when I see the caller id and I start saying stupid things out loud like "I'm not gonna answer it." etc...

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's two weeks. I AM NOT being cruel. She's the one who hates me and wants to be far far away enough from me. She's the one who has accused me of such absurd things. She got what she wanted.

But not entirely what she wanted. The two times I did answer the phone to her she was snide and just plain out being a little ass. It was all about control. She wanted to control what was going on here.

She called yesterday and she was crying into the phone and she actually said "I love you" on the voicemail.  I feel angry that I am sitting here wondering. That I have to keep reminding myself of why she's there. I mean, they would call me and tell me if something was really wrong. An adult would right?  How do I know this time isn't like all the rest? How do I know that she's not just doing it to try to manipulate the house mothers just like she did the therapist and myself?

What I realize is that plain and simple the girl treated me like crap and then I ran to her and I comforted her and basically told her it was ok to do that.  If I break the two week thing...I'm doing the same thing again and all this will be for nothing. I believe this is called codependency.

I hate that I feel bad about all this.

CDQs therapist told me I shouldn't blame myself. But it's hard not to blame ourselves isn't it? I'm supposed to be the adult and she's just a child.  But I guess the truth of it is, she's not just a child. She's been forced to grow up and learn things much faster. I think that's what twists the whole situation. I want to treat her as a child but she's much older- her soul and her heart and no matter how much I try to make things age appropriate it just won't ever mesh for her and I do have to protect myself and the others from her at the level she is abusive and violent and not her age level.

I called and spoke to one of the ladies at the home. They told me she's crying a lot and very depressed. I told them it's period week and it's going to get really bad.  I also told them I would start taking her calls next week.

I know at this point, this is truly the best thing for CDQ.  She's safe.  There are trained people out there doing things that I can't do.

Why do I keep thinking that I can do things that God can't? I mean that's exactly what I've been saying and doing when I do these things and it's well documented here on how I obviously couldn't do it and made such a big mess of things with the "help" I tried to get.

I placed this whole situation in God's care and three days later we were in the ER and a few weeks later we are here. I need to stop questioning it. I really do.  When I should have questioned it, I didn't.  From all the RTC stories and ER stories I've read out there. This whole situation has moved forward so fast and clean it has to have God's hands all over it you know?

Bragging...

I realized that most of the time I didn't end up blogging because I didn't want CDQ to have another reason to accuse me of "sitting on [her] fat @$$" any more than she already was.  Yeah, those were good times when I was sitting around trying not to breath because the pain was too much. Nice translation there....

But she's not here. I find myself staring at the blinking cursor feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I have so much to share.  I've been wanting to tell you guys about my other kids. 

My other kids, they are doing pretty awesome. I hate that I've spent so much time documenting the ugly that I haven't really had a chance to tell you about the good stuff. 

Poufy, SS and The oldest are securely attached now! The boy is almost there but he's had his moments where he gets scared and shouts that he doesn't have a home or family (I'll get rid of you before you can get rid of me syndrome.) but that hasn't happened in almost a year. I'm just being cautious before I proclaim him securely attached. lol! CDQ's therapist says I should focus on the fact that I have an 80% success rate. 

The oldest has really come around. She still has her moments but for a 14 year old going on 15 next month, she's awesome. I think I can attribute that to homeschool somewhat because she hasn't been around other kids her age to learn about being obnoxious, that or we just got past the obnoxious part early. What I really like about the oldest is that she lets the things I say marinate. Sure, she'll get mad but later on she can come forward and step up and own her actions.  This was huge with me. I wanted to make sure she was thinking before she was doing.  I had to tell her that I had no hidden agenda and that I had no control issues regarding her life. All I wanted was for her to think and make conscious decisions. Oh boy it was frustrating at first, and still can get that way... but she's been doing a ton of reflecting and she cringes over the things that she's said and done in the past.  She's not an angel, but she's a good kid.  I was so worried that she wasn't going to snap out of that whole ghetto thing she was married to when she got here. *phew* She's embarrassed about all that now. 

SS, I'm proud of this girl too. She used to be such a doormat. She gave everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Then she flipped into this incredibly angry girl and that eased her into depression.  Her heart was heavy because she didn't feel it was fair that she was here and her little sister was dead.  It took some time to get her past that and I'm not sure she's fully there but she's definitely more balanced now. She's very loving and she loves to give tight bear hugs and hang on me and tell me she loves me all the time. She's very touchy feel-y.  She takes things to heart and can be very serious but she's also goofy and playful. She wants to be a vet when she grows up and she can't get enough of her Warrior books.  It's so funny to see her talk about these twisted little soap opera tales that revolve around cats and their clans.  Even though I don't really know what she's talking about, I like to watch her process and then recount the stories to me.  She used to have a lot of problems with sequence, focus and memory. She used to not be able to recount what happened in a paragraph she had just read and now I can see how much she's grown and how much better she's become in those aspects from her retelling of the stories. She's come a long way. 

With CDQ, I can tell you that I see a child who is struggling. She hates herself. I can see her turning into that one girl who basically changed herself through plastic surgery into something else. She is very much like her mother.  BUT, she possesses something her mother doesn't seem to have.  She has owned up to some of her actions and her mother has never done that. Believe it or not, I think CDQ is very brave and courageous. I think all my kids are, but CDQ....I think it takes a lot to put the things out there that she does. It's hard and she's still pushing forward trying to sort through it all. She's so young and dealing with such big things. I'm also impressed with her deep interest in history. Maybe because I found most of that stuff boring and she is so fascinated by all of it.   

Poufy- Poufy is her own girl. She is so girly. I wish I could post her picture here, but I know out of all the children she is extremely protective of her image. I had to hurt my mom's feelings at Christmas because she was trying to take pictures of the kids opening their presents and stuff and the look on Poufy's face told me it was definitely a NO to her grandma taking her picture.  So, I will just tell you how she left my house to go to the store Saturday... she had her Snow White Tiara on her head complete with Tink barrettes to try to keep the pouf in place , a pink plaid Taylor Swift dress on with light pink stretch capri's that had small dark pink polka dots on them followed with her brownish gold Tink snow boots that have pink fur lining.  She left bejeweled complete with fake plastic beads and gems. Her hands were covered with fake plastic rings including one oversized "diamond" ring.  She wore her birthday princess sash and her birthday button.  What I love the most is that she had not an ounce of self consciousness and that is exactly why I let her leave the house that way.  I don't want to be the one who puts that into her head.  She used to be worried about it and I told her if anyone made fun of her it was their problem not hers, as long as she wasn't dressed like a ho showing all that God gave her and she was comfortable that's all that matters and apparently she took that to heart.  

I'm interested in seeing how all my kids turn out of course but this one....this one is going to surprise me. I just know it. lol!

Finally, the boy. He's still very afraid of making mistakes. Sadly that is holding him back and I'm still not sure how to help him get past all that.  In my house if you make a mistake it's not that big of a deal. God knows that I make a million mistakes and I say it all the time.  I've worked with all the kids because their first instinct is to lie about something.  They don't know why they do it and with the boy, he's frustrated HIMSELF with the lying. Often I tell him "do you want to try that again?"  and I end up getting the truth. But I'm really impressed that those times are becoming fewer and he's stepping forward to tell me what he's done wrong. He assumes I already know and that I'm just waiting for him to confess. Which is kind of cool I guess. LOL!  He's chugging along slowly with the reading and he's the one having the most difficulty in school. Largely because he's afraid to mess up and he's afraid of missing out on something.  I'm thinking he needs a different kind of curriculum where there's more one and one and the computer might not be the right avenue for that. I really have to make sure I make the right choice. I had chosen the computer because I thought he might be less afraid of making mistakes then if it were me he had to give the answers to. So far I'm leaning towards maybe half computer, half paper curriculum.  He's very much like SS and takes things to heart. I think it's just going to take a little more time for him to trust   that he will never be accused of something so big again (his father accused him of killing his baby sister, he was asleep and didn't even know what happened so now he is afraid that he might do something and be accused again).

The kids are moving swiftly forward in school. Like I said the boy still has his hangups but the oldest has already moved on to 3rd grade and Poufy and SS are tackling 2nd grade and will be done around the second week of next month. I've found it to be extremely interesting that they all had problems in the same area. It reinforced my idea that our state was failing our kids in some areas. It was also interesting to see the other individualized areas where they had trouble and it was very telling of each child. I was really nervous to take them all back like that but I am so glad I did. The oldest was missing a whole big chunk of second grade in ALL areas.  I thought being taken so far back would be a damper for her but she's actually enjoying it and she's in awe of what she's learning. Almost every other day she comes in after doing school work and tells me she is shocked that they are teaching xyz to 3rd graders because she barely started it in 6th grade or she'll say "how can they expect a 3rd grader to know this???" and then it sinks in that she's missed it. I really like when she brings it together though. When she says "NOW I know why we were doing this... I didn't even know about any of this and now I understand where it comes from."  I love to see that her thinking is changing too! She's trying to piece things together all around her. I would tell you some of the things that she asks us because they are so hilarious but she would kill me if I did that. I just tell her it's better she's asking us then if she had asked someone else.  It's all very Jessica Simpson and her Chicken of the Sea faux pas types of things. lol!

So I have no regrets on taking such a drastic measure in their schooling. 

This week in homeschool we are doing "About Me" posters. I'm really excited because I still feel like I am getting to know my other kids.  You can tell that I don't really know much about them. I could tell you a million things about CDQ because I have spent nearly two years focused on mainly her.  Of course who knows if the things she's told me about herself are true but even then... I'm very limited with what I do know about my other kids. It makes me sad.  I feel like I missed a ton and that's why I am in awe of all their changes.  

I know I've been here and I know I've talked to them. But I also know it hasn't been nearly enough and that I can't really take credit for their progress.  I want all that to change. I want to know who they are. They are all so different. I love that about them. It fascinates me. 

Even with things being what they are.  I know my kids are good kids. They've come a long way and they are going to make it. 

One Minute At A Time...

Boy do I have a story to tell you about my most recent car buying experience. For now, what I can tell you is that I thought I bought a car last year on the day before Thanksgiving but as of this very minute, I still haven't purchased one and I've had several parked out front. It's been an experience.

Saturday was Poufy's birthday party. We had a day of games, food and Wii Rock Band planned capped off by a Harry Potter movie marathon.  They had a blast. There wasn't a single outburst, disagreement or anything...well, let me take that back. 

I got a call Friday from the salesgirl at the dealership saying she wanted me to come in and test drive a car. I went in but didn't test drive the car but had a change of heart that night and decided I would go in and test drive the car the next morning. When I got there they basically took the other car I thought I was purchasing and put me in this one. Why I am telling you this? There was some kind of sale going on and there was a HUGE balloon attached to the car. She threw the balloon in the trunk for Poufy.  

The disagreement happened when Poufy went to brush her hair so she could go to the store with the others and handed SS the balloon to watch over. SS thought she had tied the balloon down but it drifted to our popcorn ceiling and as you can probably guess it was history. The whole thing lasted less then 10 minutes and there were no tears involved between SS and Poufy. 

Other than that little blip the party was a success. In fact, I called the Harry Potter Marathon quits when I discovered a couple of them were still up trying to get through them at 8:30 the next morning!  Needless to say, Sunday was a quiet day since most of them were catching up on their sleep. LOL! 

I did get a shock when the phone rang during the party and it was CDQ calling me. Her therapist told me it would be good for me not to have contact for two weeks.  He said she needed to miss us and I needed a break from her. At first, I wasn't so sure. But on second thought I agreed when she treated me like crap the morning she went into RTC. I've started to see what it is he was saying to me and see how I do need to have some time to get back on track. I was very angry the last couple of days or so because I have been trying to come to terms with how I got to this place and I've started to see that it's not just CDQ who treats me badly. All the kids do just not at that level.  

I've realized that I felt so sorry for them and I did give them the excuse that it was ok for them to treat me so poorly because they were afraid or they had been through so much. I have been a doormat for them because no matter what they did to me, I still went on as if it were nothing. 

Even having this party made me realize how I keep thinking if I have no mad moments and I just keep trying to create good memories they can erase the bad ones the kids have....really...that's just stupid and I can see it now. I'm still human and I have feelings too and I haven't forgotten the things that have happened to me no matter how many other moments I have had in my life. I don't fixate on them either. 

I was drowning and I just couldn't get my head above the water anymore and even through that I just couldn't see it. 

Anyhow, CDQ called me and I didn't know what to do. I thought the house mom or someone was calling me. She was so snotty. 

CDQ: "Yeah. I'm calling you (long pause) to tell you how I am doing. I am doing really well in my program."

Me: "That's good."

CDQ: (still talking)." I got to move into my room and now I am coloring."

Me:" Oh, well we are in the middle of Poufy's Party."

CDQ: "Bye." (in an angry tone)

Me: "Bye."

I don't know why, but my blood seemed to run cold. My hands were like ice. I touched my mom and she asked me what the heck was going on. I told her that CDQ called and she said I needed to not let her affect me like that. I don't think she understands the way PTSD works and that I have no control over that or so it seems. It happens so fast I don't even know until it's already there. This might be TMI, but Flo visited early about 10 minutes after that first call. UGH!

I hate that I have no control and that my body actually freaks out. 

The phone rang about an hour or so later. I was looking up the code for Rock Band for the kids and finishing icing the cake.  Again it was CDQ.  She wanted to talk about herself some more.  How she's "lucky" to be there and all the things she gets to do. She told me if she was still there for her birthday that they would do pizza and something for her there. She said she thought I could come. I did cut her off this time.  She's spent so much time keeping me from the other kids. I know she's safe and being taken care of.  

I am starting to rediscover my other children because it's been almost two years since I've had a chance to spend any time with them.  Yes, I am explaining.  I just think some people might not be able to understand what's going on here because even though I'm living it, I barely understand it. I feel like I have to start setting boundaries with CDQ so that she knows when and if she comes back things are NOT going to be the same.

I am so drained by this child. She called again today and I did not answer the phone. She left a message and it was the same thing...all about her. I heard someone in the background tell her to say "I love you" and she groaned and said ok and then said I love you. I wish they wouldn't do that. 

I don't know what I expect her to talk about but I am SO. TIRED. of hearing her talk about herself or movies and music and have it escalate into a hatefest against me. If it's not the movies and music, it will get there after she talks crap about everyone who crossed her path. 

Plus, dealing with her has made me like, hyperaware of myself. I don't think I've ever talked so much about myself in my entire life.  I keep looking at myself thinking something is wrong with me.  I keep analyzing myself under this microscope and I keep trying to make sure that my feelings and thoughts are in check all because I keep thinking of their trauma and trying to figure out why this and why that... I just want to scream. 

It's like I have to try and make sure that I am not making them feel bad for expressing themselves or keeping them from expressing themselves but in the process I've muted my own self for the most part and kept my deepest feelings and thoughts to this blog, that is if I do post them...

It makes me wonder how many of us out there are blaming ourselves and feeling bad about ourselves for things we had no part and have no way to fix?

We can't undo their pain and traumas. We really can't. No amount of changing it up or tapping or any of that is going to make a difference if they don't want to change. That's the bottom line. 

We can't stop them from hitting the bottom. 

I'm not saying I've given up and I'm not saying these things don't help our children (because for 4 out of my 5 it did). What I'm learning is that we can't go to those low places with them but we can be there for them when they are on their way back again. You know? 

It's just too easy to lose yourself.  Maybe it's me, but I just don't think so.  (argh, there's that damn looking to see if I'm the problem...I have to work on that.)

Again, it's worked for 4 out of 5. My other 4 don't want to dwell. Sometimes they get sucked back but it's not like CDQ who insists on focusing on negative things and pulling in the sympathy and attention from others. She can be in an awesome mood and she will make herself think of things that make her angry or sad. 

All I know is one.minute.at.a.time. and even then it can still be too much...

Disconnected

I thought I clicked on post. Shoot! This is from Wednesday...
-------------------------------------
Day 2 of CDQ being in RTC.

The kids had some minor acting out yesterday.  Little tantrums about chores and homeschool.  They were so excited CDQ was gone they automatically expected to be able to do all the things they couldn't do while she was here. We had our little meeting and I got a few apologies and life went on.

The projection for CDQs stay is 6 months but the actual expectation is for longer.  We started packing up her things today and rearranging the living arrangements. Poor SS needs a break from the boy. He likes to play rough with her because she plays back unlike Poufy who wouldn't dream of it, but last year for his birthday he got a remote control car from his Nana and promptly ended up wrapping SS's hair around the wheels until the car was firmly pushed against her head.  Since then it has been on. LOL!

See, those things...normal sibling crap, I can totally handle.  I am the type to let them work it out on their own. My mother on the other hand, escalates the situation. Argh.  She blows little things into something huge in a matter of seconds....instigator comes to mind...*ahem*

Anyhow, I know SS desperately needs a break and since she will be turning 12 in March, I don't think it will hurt for her to spend some time with her big sister. So I have moved her in to CDQs space for now.

I will be honest. I was apprehensive about clearing CDQs stuff out of the picture so fast but that went away rather quickly.

Well actually after the first sort of visit at the RTC.  I had to drop off her clothes.  I had washed all the clothes in the laundry room and asked CDQ to put a weeks worth of clothes out. When I went to her room, I discovered how she was getting over on me. See every time I wash, CDQ complains she's not getting clothes back because the others are stealing her clothes (yet no one ever has them) or I didn't wash her clothes (but nothing's left in the laundry room). I know I am washing her clothes because I see it go through the wash. What I wasn't doing was making sure it was all there, because honestly...how the hell am I supposed to add that to my list of things to keep track of? Anyways, I hear myself explaining and I'm coming to realize I don't have to...long story short. Found dirty clothes neatly folded and put away. She was pulling clothes from there to accuse me that I wasn't washing. There were piles of clothes all over the place.

I grabbed what clean stuff that I could find, which yes, it wouldn't have been her first choice...but well guess whose problem that is since she didn't anticipate RTC, she was ready to accuse and tell me I didn't wash this or that.

Anyhow, get there with her clothes and she's bitching about what I brought. Arguing with me that she had sorted her clothes...blah, blah, blah. Then I thought she cussed at me. I asked her what she said and she said she didn't say anything, then she said she said it in her head. The oldest heard exactly what she said. When we got home. Hubbins asked how it went and the oldest told him and that's when she said CDQ called me an F'in B. Which is what I thought I heard.

But see I didn't push it. When I thought she had cussed at me, I got up and went to the house mother and I was ready to go.  That's when I snapped a little. Because I had read R's comment before I got there and I knew it was ringing oh so true.

"As a side note, I have a job doing telephone intakes for legal aid. We frequently get calls from people seeking divorces. Frequently when a woman has just left a particularly horrific domestic violence situation, she is completely matter-of-fact about what her day-to-day life is like. The lawyers ask us to get details about past incidents of violence, in part so they know what type of danger this woman is likely to be in (because a woman is most likely to get killed while trying to leave) and also to use the information when they draw up documents for things like protective orders. But often these women at first have a lot of trouble recounting specific incidents of violence. To them, it's like saying, "tell me what happened the last time you ate cheerios (as opposed to corn flakes) for breakfast." It's that much a part of their daily life that they don't remember discrete incidents; it's more like "I eat cheerios every day." (Don't know if that analogy makes any sense.) They can tell me the most recent event, but not other specifics, aside from the general pattern. But as we talk longer or over the course of the next day or two, things come out, and they start sounding more shaken, as the realization of what they've lived through (and how much danger they're still in) slowly sinks in. I kind of see it in your blog, and in the writings of other parents whose kids have been institutionalized. Hang in there as it all starts to sink in... " 

I hope R. doesn't mind that I've reposted it.   But what angered me is that I felt my heart start racing and my hands were actually shaking. I'm not even sure if that normally happens or if it happened because we were in a different setting then we normally are. I was just really aware of it and of course it all happened while the housemother was with the other children. Then to top it off. I had an acupuncture appointment after her intake and when the doctor came in he was concerned because my eyes were dark. Not like circles around my eyes but my actual eyes. He immediately took my pulse and then when he came back in after the session he told me he was giving me something for my emotions but when I looked it up later that night it was for palpitations of the heart and regulating the heart beat.  So now I'm somewhat worried about that (which I think is what my Doc was trying to avoid). I had heart issues when I was born but I thought they had resolved themselves.

Yesterday I was spent. I ended up taking a nap and when I woke up I was all kinds of angry. It was like something woke up in me and I was no longer feeling sorry for this child.  I was so angry that it scared me.

It was a culmination of all the crap hitting me.  I forgot to mention when I was collecting her clothes I came across her journal.

All across it was written about how much she hated me and that I was a liar and I could kiss her @$$.  I flipped through it and did see snippets of how much more she hated me and how I was the devil.

There's only so much you can't take personally.  Maybe I'm not a big enough person. But at this moment in time, I am so angry. All I did was do for this child. I never expected anything from her. I understand adoption is a trauma.  But I have not done a damn thing to this kid and she's fixated on me and made up so much stuff.  I am emotionally done.

I think about how stupid I was for crying about her leaving, giving in with her, trying so desperately not to rock the boat.  And in this case, I think maybe the last therapist was right. This issue is mine, I realized I was so worried about her because I know what it feels like to be abandoned.  I didn't want her to feel that.  But I've come to realize she doesn't feel anything but sorry for herself.

One of the things the therapist said is that she has all the markers for narcissism, oppositional defiant and a whole list of other things. But his main concern is that she has the main symptoms for a sociopath, well he said they don't call it that anymore. They call it antisocial personality disorder or something like that.  He said we should know by the time she is 15 whether that's what her diagnosis will be. There's still a chance she can turn it around at this age.

----------------

I was writing the above last night and I got called away to dinner.  Dinner was so...peaceful.  It's usually a struggle to get CDQ to eat. She has to complain about everything being nasty (even her favorites) and she doesn't eat all her food (but I hear she's chowing down on everything at RTC, go figure).  Then she has to manipulate the entire event. Inappropriate topics and making snide remarks towards others at the table, talking over them. Getting mad if people don't respond to her.

I realized last night, the kids were at ease. Usually they are wound up trying to talk over each other and get their parts out. Last night.... they took turns, they laughed, we talked about menu planning again and what they'd like to see on it. We talked about the menu for Poufy's party. There was happiness and excitement and peace.  Not one fight.

Sure it could be a honeymoon period with the others, but I don't think so.

I sort of worry about sharing this stuff on my blog because I can bet it will come across as me being against CDQ and bragging about the other children.  But I can guarantee you that I'm coming from a place of astonishment and eye opening awareness. Yes, I am mad still at CDQ.  But I'm not embellishing one thing about her. I don't have to.

Even this morning, I realized my oldest cat, who has been holed up in my room for a couple of years has taken to wandering the house. It started yesterday. I've always suspected CDQ broke her tail at the tip and I worried CDQ would hurt her because she is dear to me (apparently, she's even told the oldest if we had a baby she would hurt it).  In the past, I would tease Scrawn when she would sit by the doorway. I would nudge her off the carpet and into the living room and she would come flying back into my bedroom and hide under the bed.  I thought she was being shy or silly but I guess she has her trauma too now.

For a a couple of months now, I've been trying to think what's best for the family.  Before that I was focused on what was best for CDQ. Maybe I was so wrapped up with her issues with me that I didn't fully see that it wasn't only me and in someway the entire household is/was affected as badly as I have been. I mean I know that the household was affected but I always thought it was lesser because it was being deflected by me. But now it just seems like we were all suffering the same.

That makes me feel like such a failure...

Coming to grips...

Today was a tough one.  It gave me perspective. I really can't do this anymore.  Neither can my kids. If I could move her forward, it would be one thing. But I know what it's like to have my kids move forward, I've seen it in my other four and sometimes I am so proud of them I get tears in my eyes.

I have those moments with CDQ but it's not enough. I realize in my home, her life is on the line or somebody else's is.  I can't take the chance that she will succeed in suicide or in murder.

*deep breath*

Tuesday is Poufy's 10th birthday party. I was sort of dreading it because I was worried about what CDQ was going to do to detract from that.  Right now she is burning with jealousy over her sisters. She's jealous that the oldest is well, the oldest. She's jealous that SS started her period and her moods have stabilized and she's happy again. She's jealous mostly of Poufy.

You see Poufy is tiny but well, I don't think there's a delicate way to say it. Poufy's stacked on top. How's that without actually saying it? Poufy is in a real bra and that just makes CDQ seethe AND Poufy is a total girl. Jewels, tiara, gowns...you name it and she prances around the house in them.  She adores her Snow White crown and I get a kick out of when she comes to ask for help in homeschool and she has that crown up on her head with her poufy hair sticking out on all sides around it. Her hands are bejeweled with oversized plastic gems. It's just hilarious and cute at the same time.

She is definitely outspoken. She's known to tell CDQ: "I don't care what you say about me, I love myself and nothing you say will ever change that."

The first time I heard it, well, I was shocked because I had told her to say that to people who were trying to put her down or make her feel bad. I was surprised she retained it word for word and used it. Boy does it send CDQ spinning. *shaking head*

But what can I say, I'm proud of that. I'm proud that she's come this far. I love that she's confident and secure and KNOWS she loves herself.  She used to be shy.  At one point, she was the only child I didn't think I had to worry about and then she was the child I worried about the most when she finally did lose it.

I've asked her what changed for her. She told me she was "eager" to get to do things and she was tired of doing the wrong things and being bad. She just "decided" she was done.  She didn't like who she was and didn't want to be that anymore.

Instead of dreading the eventual meltdown/rage/ suicide threat that would be coming from CDQ. I found myself immersed in planning a princess birthday party. I realized I was excited for Poufy and I felt like a normal mom planning her kids birthday.

I didn't have to figure out if the party favors were "extra" safe or if they could be used to cut. I didn't have to worry about how CDQ would figure out to drink or ingest something.  I didn't have to worry if a gift was going to be something CDQ could not handle. In fact, I don't even have to worry about the other children playing the Wii singing and dancing games on her birthday or even playing musical chairs with music on her birthday.

I've just been focusing on the birthday girl and making her day special which has been something I actually have never been able to do. She is going to be so surprised.

I know I make it sound like unicorns and rainbows but it's still a double edged sword. CDQ's birthday is next. I felt the excitement of feeling normal and planning for Poufy, so when I saw Ariel (CDQ's favorite Princess) has her own set of party gear...my first thought is I know what I am getting for CDQ's party. My second thought was the bubbles would be a mistake and my third thought was....she isn't going to be home.

I guess it's high time I take the kid gloves off and start facing the fact that it might not just be that she isn't going to be home but that she may never come back home because maybe then I would start processing the severity and danger of it all and start to believe how deep her mental illness really runs.

In a second it all changed.

I've had some time stand still moments.

But yesterday morning, I felt like I hadn't heard right. I felt like I was punched in the gut and all my air had escaped me. I fought for a blank look to hide my true feelings. I couldn't believe this was my reaction to the whole thing.

Sometimes, I thought I would be relieved if it happened.  I thought I could breathe because my kids would be safe.

I know that CDQ was on a waiting list for RTC. I knew this. I prayed for answers. If it was the right thing. I never pushed it, I figured God's will, God's time.  I handed it all over to God.

I knew that CDQ was homicidal and suicidal. Therefore she is a danger to herself and others. I knew the plan was RTC, I knew they were giving her a couple of weeks to show she could do it at home and I knew she wasn't making it.

I know this is good for my family. I know my doctor thinks this is good for my health.

I know this is supposed to be good for CDQ.

I could go on and on about what I "know".

But I guess I'm not as indifferent as I thought I was.

I made it out the door before the tears started falling. I felt so selfish.

I tried to tell myself to cut it out. I know that I don't have the resources or the knowledge to keep her from hurting herself. I know that I should be relieved. She will be safe.

But for some reason, it just doesn't feel that way.

All I can see is this clueless little girl that doesn't know what she's done.  She thinks she has control of the strings and I suspect she's feeling the tugs but this is a whole world that she's opened up that she has no idea about.

I know she thinks she'd do better in another family. At one point, I thought maybe it would be the case. But with her mental issues, she's going to have a problem in any family. It would truly only be a matter of time.

I can't "fix" her.

I keep saying "I know" this and that and I think that's me grasping for some kind of stability that just isn't there. Something concrete and tangible.

Nobody but Hubbins and I know that she's not coming home on Monday. We were advised for our safety not to tell her.

Monday morning we meet with the therapist and he will tell her then.

Despite her attempts to attack me last night, all I can see is a scared little girl.

Even through the angry glares...

"I'm not trying to upset you, I just want to see you get upset. I think you should be upset."

"CDQ, I'm not going to get upset. I already told you, I'm not going to let you upset me anymore."

"I know, but if I tell you something, I think you should be upset."

"Well, I'm not and I won't be. There's nothing you can say or do that will upset me."

"But I'm not trying to make you upset, I just want to see you be upset."

This child used to make me cry, that has not happened in a couple of months. She would lean in for a side hug and whisper in my ear "it is about you. I hate you.", "You aren't a mother, you've never been a mother." and a whole bunch of other things I've tried not to remember and no one else had a clue she was doing this.  She would grab my hands and check my fingers to see if she had "upset" me enough to cause a flare.  Yes. she. did.

With all that hatefulness, I feel like such an idiot for feeling this way. I feel like I don't understand my own feelings. I feel a little lost.

Even playing all the recent attacks, PUBLIC attacks at the treatment center, back in my head. I still feel this strong pull that wants me to put the brakes on it all.

I don't know why I am being so selfish.  I know in my heart I can't help her.  I would just make things worse keeping her at home. What if she succeeds with suicide and all because she wants a rise out of me (she said as much). She needs this.  She will be ok.

I just keep seeing this little lost girl, all alone and scared.  I don't want her to feel that.  But I guess if I am honest with myself, right now, she's feeling suicidal and homicidal and that can't be any better.

The one I've been hesitant to write.

This was written early last week.
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I've gone back and forth on this one, as I do write our struggles here with the expectation that the kids will eventually read it. They knew I was a blogger because back in the day I used to post little things featuring my Monchhichi for them and my mom would show them. Sort of like Monchhichi was talking to them through the computer, now he talks to them IRL. LOL!

Anyhoo, they used to be excited when I posted about them but since they asked me that their mother never see any pictures of them, it's been really hard to post what we do here. I explained to them that I can't really control who comes to this site. I've shared some of our pics on facebook, but it's still hard to keep this blog from becoming a negative place when so much of the good stuff is captured on "film".

So, I've gone back and forth with the whole CDQ situation.  Part of me wonders if I don't blog it am I making the mistake I made in IRL? Is it trying to pretend these things don't exist? Am I fooling myself anyway, because let's face it, will I ever do anything right in CDQ's eyes? and I guess more recently, do I even care anymore?

As harsh as that sounds, I have let this child run me into the ground because I felt sorry for her. If I had to be completely honest about my feelings at this very second for this child I would have to say I feel almost indifferent. My therapist says it's called battle fatigue. Some may wonder how a person can feel that way and I am thankful that you don't know and pray that you never have to walk in those shoes to understand it. And I also know that there are many of us out there that know exactly what I am talking about and we live with this silently questioning ourselves and our hearts on the other side of our screens, some of us can say how we got here and others aren't even sure of anything anymore.

I'm still reflecting on all this, but I know I feel indifferent because that is the way I feel about all my other abusers. Sure, she's a child but she learned well from the people who abused me because some of them abused her too.

Abuse is abuse no matter who it comes from or what the past circumstances are.  I could be abusive too and blame it on my past but I don't and won't ever do something like that to someone else.

Also, her previous therapist basically said I was an adult who should be able to let this child abuse me and if I couldn't, I should seek counseling because it was my problem then. Something from MY past that I had to deal with. I understand not to take it personal, but this went too far.

When I think about things and the people who knew me, I think they would be shocked to know that I let anyone abuse me. That's not the person I am. I think they would be double shocked at the extent that this child has gone.

Maybe I am saying she is a monster when she is like this.  But that's how far it gets when there is no real help. When you are staying up all night because you don't want to wake up to a child holding a knife over you or you don't want to find the child she shares a room with dead in their bed because she didn't like the way that child ate her food at dinner.

If she ever reads this I hope it's from the other side of her demons. I hope she understands that we know this isn't her but this was what it was like on our side. I hope she develops the ability to see the other side and to understand that she's not the only hurt party and that despite it all we don't blame her, never have I blamed her. This is how it was, and boy do I pray so hard for that was part.

But mental illness isn't like a cold. I don't believe it runs it's course and goes away.  She doesn't hear me when I tell her she's strong and brave and that it is TOO much for a kid to handle. I don't think she hears the words.

I've been cautious with this new place. I don't want to jump the gun. Her new therapist has been in the field since 1973. I met with him yesterday and here I thought I was updating him and he's letting me know they are actually one step ahead of CDQ and many more ahead of me when it comes to trying to figure out her motives.

I've read so many horror stories about RTC and wrap around services and insurance. I'm just waiting for it all to come my way. But so far, the services have truly been wrap around services. She will continue on with the same people when her bed opens for RTC they will continue to work with her consistently. I read her plan and the observations they have written and he couldn't be more spot on if he had lived with her himself.

They even did their homework and somehow obtained a slew of background information on her. I know I signed releases but I've never seen anything so thorough, precise and correct.

As far as CDQ herself, I am also impressed by her progress. I thought of the honeymoon period and maybe that was the changes I was seeing in her. But after  meeting with her counselor yesterday, he actually warned me that this might be an attempt on her part to get me to take her out of day treatment. After thinking about it, he's more than likely right. Since she did start pushing the whole "I don't want to go back there, EVERYONE is being mean to me." business.

What I am impressed by is the fact that she can maintain control when she wants to. Previously, I had been told that was impossible. I guess we know who got snowed in the past don't we?

Any show of control on her part is impressive to me. Maybe I'm stupid to hold on to that...but I'd also be lying if I said it didn't give me hope.

Control- or how I lost mine.

I've always been a take charge person, after all if I don't do it who will? (and will they do it right? )

ah hem...'nuff said right? You get the picture. 

But truth be told, I've been knocked on my butt and I'm still struggling to get up. In that process, I realized I can't do everything and on some days I can't do anything at all.  

It used to be a physical thing, but now I'm not sure if it's depression or my all or nothing approach. 

Even though my body is healing in leaps and bounds, I still get that heavy feeling where I am just soooooooooooooo tired.  That feeling pushes through another feeling...anger and like a spoiled brat I argue and fight with myself about being tired.  That's why I think it's latent physical symptoms.  

Sometimes I think it's depression because I don't want to do one single thing. I don't want anyone to talk to me and I don't want to know what's going on and I just want everyone to leave.me.alone! and then I just want to be gone. Far, Far, away... 

Of course, on better days I think I should cut myself some slack because it is overwhelming being the go to person for 8 other people.  That's where my mind loses it.  Laundry, meds, spasms, delusions, suicide, homicide, plan, meals, pets, shopping, repairs, cleaning, did I fax that, I forgot my timesheet, I lost that bill, did I pay that, when is that appointment, and on and on and on.... that's just a few seconds worth of thoughts. They are constant. The only time they stop is when someone else is talking to me and it's usually about one of those things.  Even in my sleep. 

I stayed up until 3:30 am doing laundry, after the pipe incident I was still trying to catch up. CDQ said she needed clothes. I thought I was nearly done. I washed everything in that laundry room and almost all our laundry and came out with not one stitch of clothes for CDQ. I firmly believe she hid it so she would have a reason to prove I am unfit. *chuckle*

So last night I needed to wash her clothes for today. Except my body shut down and even though it shut down, I was screaming inside the whole night that I needed to WAKE UP!  Finally at 5:30 am I did and I washed her clothes and it was warm and toasty for her at 7:30 am.  But truth be told. I feel like crap. 

Which brings me to the all or nothing... I started the Big Clean of 2010 and you won't believe how much crap I got rid of.  Truly. Hubbins thinks we have stuff to sell but I just gave it away. Vacuums, his 200 disc cd changer (his music is all digital), stereos, clothes, clothes and more clothes, dishes, etc... I was all about decluttering. 

But my mom moved in and so did her entire house.  Not blaming her entirely. I purchased a storage shed for us to share but it looks like I needed one twice as big just for her.  But I can't see the results. I look around and it's just cluttered to the hilt here.  I hate clutter, I hate mess and it's seriously screwing with my mind. Especially since I streamed all the episodes I could find of Hoarders and started to seriously wonder....hmmm? 

It looks bad, not like those houses but they had to start somewhere right? 

Somedays, I am a cleaning machine. I clean here, I clean there. Hell, every time and I do mean every time I wash clothes (the weekend) I have to clean out the laundry room.  Other days, I look around and wonder what happened to what I cleaned? 

No one should be in the Laundry room, but it's a mess. My bathroom used to be clean but since my grandmother uses it, she doesn't grasp the concept of a trash can anymore and she has a lot of accidents that I would prefer she would ask for help cleaning up but she doesn't and that in turn necessitates a full cleaning that may last an hour if we are lucky .  The other thing is my grandmother is really rough with stuff. She's broken the chair (bye bye tailgater, never got to try out your heat and vibration features.) I bought her, the kitchen faucet, the bathroom faucet and I was able to fix the shower faucet. She doesn't know when to stop turning. 

Don't get me wrong. Those are not complaints, they are explanations. I would explain about the kids, but   *sigh* I'm sure most of you know the destruction of children and some of you are probably intimately aware of the destruction of children with RAD. 

I have to say that I feel like I am winning half of the battle with 3/5ths of the kiddos but that's just in their bedrooms. 

And would someone please tell me when my bedroom became the catch all for everyone's crap? 

Someone Pleeeease tell me I am not alone in this and especially please tell me if you were able to crawl out of the clutter and maintain it as your children aged (maybe?). 

Throw me a bone. I'm begging here. 

Arthritis Remission Revisited

A while back I wrote a post about my RA remission. Since then I have figured out that it is different for everyone. 

So I thought I would update you on what it means for me. I take no meds save a motrin when I'm having intolerable cramps during my period. (sorry if it's TMI). So I've taken motrin a grand total of 3 times in the last few months.  What I do for my RA is acupuncture. I know some people may have a problem with this for themselves but this is my choice and it is actually working. Along with acupuncture, there are herbs that I take. Let me just say yu-ck.  But whatever you know.  In truth, I don't exactly take them as I should and maybe my progress would be better if I did. 

Hopefully, I am not jinxing myself by typing this up, but I have to say my doctor is amazing. He told me there were two stages to acupuncture. The one where your body is being retrained to heal itself and the other half where you body does retrain itself to heal itself. 

I actually felt the flip into stage 2. For me, it was scary because it felt like my body was compressing itself into itself. I won't lie. It was painful and it lasted about 2 weeks off and on. It was scary because I initially thought it was a new kind of flare. Ever since, my body has been healing itself and whatever still persists gets addressed in my acupuncture sessions. I've gone from 10+ pain to as little as 2 for the max. I have to say that the pain level of 2 came after HOURS of being out in below freezing weather trying to fix my frozen pipes. SO, if you have RA you know that is like a miracle. I was so terrified for the next few days and all I had was regular good old muscle soreness from not having used those muscles.  I guess I should back up and also say that I had to go under my house and crawl on frozen concrete in my jeans to the section of my home where the frozen pipes were located under the house. 

I will also admit that the crawling and crouching and balancing my body weight on my thighs in midair did indeed make me cry as I crawled out but I was good to go once I was able to stand upright and had a minute. 

So what does my body heals itself mean? 

All my shoes have been floating on my feet because I have no swelling. The pain on the bottom of my feet used to be so painful, I could hardly walk and had to stop every couple of steps. 

My hands... they are the most noticeable to me. Sure the deformities are still there but they feel so "normal" they look awful because they have so many wrinkles on them. I can't believe how wrinkly they are now that the swelling is gone and my wrists are back to being slim. 

My knees don't crack nearly as often as they used to. In fact I just straightened my knees out now and nothing happened. (It seems funny reading that.) 

I've noticed with my body it's symmetrical pain. One side will bug me and then it flips. But more recently it had become my lower and upper body and even lately it's just been my shoulders giving me issue. I think it's from all the driving I have to do now taking CDQ to day treatment center in another town. 

What happens is I start to feel the swelling and I stress a little about it but notice that it takes a couple of hours to go away and as of today it took about 20 minutes for the swelling in my right hand pointer finger knuckle to go away, this after about 2 hours of feeling it start to swell a tiny bit. 

It seems like my body seems to know when to call it. After all the chaos of this past weekend, I was feeling the soreness in my thighs and butt and my shoulders were acting like they were going to flare or at least go into frozen shoulder mode. I felt like I had to sit down, this sit down turned into a 4 hour nap, but at the end of the four hours I can tell you that my shoulder pain was completely gone and all the soreness I had in my butt and thighs was gone too. The swelling in my knuckle hadn't started yet. 

The other thing I need to say is because of the weather we had last week, I had to cancel my acupuncture appointment and haven't been to see him since last Monday. I was supposed to go in this week but am unable to go until Friday because I had to spend my health money on the pipes. 

So I am impressed with my body at this point.  I was going three times a week and had just been brought down to two times a week. I have never gone this far without a treatment. The fact that my body seemed to "shutdown for maintenance" on it's own really impresses me and I have also been feeling stronger physically. 

It really gives me hope. I used to be that do it all person that people hated. Then it all came crashing down (and delighted some people, I don't doubt) and I've lost such a sense of things and I've lost my perspective. I keep trying to keep sight of all of this but it's not an easy thing to do. If my health were to come back to me, I'm not that same person I was before... I'm not sure, but I guess it's all water under the bridge and only time will tell and all that other bull we tell ourselves. lol!

For now, I'm in a good place. 

Trying to put the "Happy" in New Year.

I had great plans for 2011. I still do, but I'm trying to keep perspective.  After all, how can I have such pie in the sky plans if I can't even start the year with basic necessities like....let's say, um... WATER!

Let's just say Thursday -present day have sucked. I mentioned I traded in my perfectly good but humongous van for a smaller more cost efficient car.  This smaller more cost efficient car has been with the dealership for almost as many days as it's been with me.  I've gotta say. I LOVE this car. The price to fill this car with gas is nearly a quarter of what it was to fill the van and that's important now that I am logging 50 miles a day just to take CDQ to day treatment.  The payments...ahh, I couldn't believe what they were when the finance lady told me and they don't drag out foreva either, let's just say if the house doesn't fall apart, I could probably pay the car off with part of my tax return.  Most of all the car is perfect for me to get in and out of without killing myself and my flares in the lower half of my body have been almost zero.

The ONLY problem is the car shakes... it shakes really bad. They've replaced the motor mounts, the transmission mounts and installed some bracket but it still shakes the same. After some research, I discovered this is a problem with some of these cars. I've also discovered there is a precise fix for it. Now the dealership just needs to be precise about it and I will be the happiest girl.

I had been so excited about the prospect of snow coming last Wednesday and Thursday. Turns out it got here later then predicted but when it did...we were screwed.  We were preparing foods and the house was bustling getting ready for the new year when around 10 pm our pipes froze.  WE STILL DO NOT HAVE WATER.

Friday I ran around like a crazy woman trying to beat the early store closures. I installed heat tape, insulation, etc... in the water heater closet, this after trying a blow dryer, a torch, and a heater. I guess I should mention that the wind tore off the door for our water heater closet which made it really hard to keep it warm.

Also, remember RA? I was frozen to the bone and am still awake right now because I am terrified of waking up and being unable to move later on today.

So my pipe fun did not end there. We still had no water yesterday morning so I called a plumber who was trying to save me money by advising me to place a heater under the house. I did and within 10 minutes we had running water. I was soooo happy my voice was this weird high pitched mess and I was clapping like a seal.

I had to run out to the store to get some things and that's when I got the call. We were losing pressure or the pipes were refreezing (I had taken the heat dish out from under the house because OMG, I don't need a fire.)  so I get home thinking the pipes are freezing again and get all ready to crawl under the house (and can I say ouch!  that concrete hurt crazy bad.)  when the oldest (who was plugging in the portable lights) told me it was wet down there.  ARGH! I crawled down by the edge and sure enough...

broken pipe

I called the plumber back because now I had a flood. He told me since I last talked to him, they were backed up with frozen/broken pipes. But to make a long story short (too late!) they will be out tomorrow afternoon to fix up my broken pipe and run heat tape and insulate and all that good stuff.  So tonight the main water is turned off to the house. I guess I should be happy we had some water.

To add insult to injury, when the water came back on I tried to take a shower and there was no hot water from the shower even though when I was running the water in the tub to help the pipes unfreeze there was steam coming up from the tub. In the process of noticing there was no hot water, I also noticed the shower wasn't draining right.  I was livid, because even though I said there was no water, people were going to the bathroom like there was no tomorrow. I won't elaborate on that.

I was able to fix the drainage problem on my own, but geez louise ya know?

I've been trying to stay positive but it's been a little hard. I didn't even celebrate New Year's because I was throughly exhausted and couldn't honestly bear the thought of having to supervise my kids and deal with their petty crap.  I had to keep them separate for the night and called them together at midnight, then sent them to bed.

CDQ was already complaining. It made me think that maybe I have spoiled these kids. I've been so busy running myself into the ground trying to create traditions and stability that I didn't even notice how rude and ungrateful they have become. I understand the RAD and all that jazz but I don't think it should be an excuse. They all have treated me pretty poorly and still do but because it's not at the level that CDQ does it I've come to accept it. It's not ok.  I also have to come to terms that I just can't physically do the things that I used to. At least not now.

I am so grateful to my acupuncturist because I am doing excellent. Even if my body locks up on me later today, I have been doing really great. I have some pain right now but it's nothing my body hasn't fixed recently. I am a little worried because I've spent my acupuncture money for the month on plumbing...but we will see how it goes.

I hope you guys are having a better start to the year then we are.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!