So, last night I was looking at the little feedjit bar at the side of my lil blog here and I noticed someone surfed in from a website that I wasn't familiar with. I don't normally even look at that bar because I'm usually just making sure my post looks ok. Some things catch my eye, like my hometown for instance (Hi Kandi! *blush*)
However, this time, I was curious. It was a weird name. Turns out I've been linked at said website under "latest news". I'm dumbfounded because nobody asked me. I'm even more dumbfounded because as I was trying to form an opinion about the site it told me that I had exceeded my CPU quota with their site...wtf? I was suspended from seeing a site that was linking to me and inadvertently (at least I hope) copyrighting my material and allowing people to reproduce it for personal non-commercial use. Double WTF!?!
I know the site had to do with RAD and adoption but what exactly, I didn't get a chance to catch. I'm upset. It could be for something good but why couldn't they ask me first?
When I was younger, I was part of a Ballet Folkorico Company dance group that went around Arizona performing at malls, schools and where ever. Fast forward to a school field trip to the library, me-10 years old, waiting for my best friend to check out her books. I was standing by a kiosk and I decided to pick up Arizona magazine, the one with the pretty flowering cactus on the cover.
I'm flipping through and I almost have a heart attack, there blown up almost more than half of a page was a close up of me performing. I was scared.
Maybe that's a weird reaction, but it scared me that people could see me like that without my knowing. I took every one of those magazines I could find and I stopped allowing my picture to be taken.
You might ask, well what about blogging? Until Bela's murder and my family deciding they want to live a "ghetto-fabulous" life, I wasn't worried about it. I was dipping my toes in the water. Trying to move forward, trying to put myself out there. They knew about my blog. My mom would even comment sometimes.
Being with my husband has sort of made me a shut in. Whatever isn't accessible to him has suddenly become inaccessible to me. I think I hurt his feelings sometimes because I don't think he understands how much of my life I've given up. I've never really told him because I don't want it to seem like I am throwing it in his face. But I wish he would understand that all the things that he hasn't had in his life wasn't the case for me. It's hard, especially when I felt my life was really just starting when we got together. So, I tried to reach out through the internet.
This blog is my only really outlet to the world. I don't know anyone out here. I don't mind too much. I think with all the chaos in my life right now I would be a lousy friend. I guess I have to just take my chances.
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