Takenlife...

I wrote this last month but thought I would post it now while I gather my thoughts about everything that has happened around here and write about it.
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I don't know if you guys have noticed, but my URL is takenlife.blogspot.com.

When I choose that URL, it is how I felt. Like my life had been taken from me. I've had a fear of this forever, but perhaps my grandmother is the reason I fear losing my life.

The reason I am talking about this right now is because yesterday was her birthday. Her 84th birthday. For those who have been following my blog, you may have gleaned that my grandmother has been in an abusive marriage for over 50 years.

50 years. It takes my breath away.

I lived with her and my grandfather until I was about 9 years old.  She raised me. In the times that I can remember, she was never truly happy. She was depressed, always sad, always trying to tell someone the awful things that my grandfather did to her and even then the things she shared with whoever would listen over and over again didn't even make a dent in the heartless things he did to her.

I can remember sitting next to my grandfather on the couch and him telling me how beautiful the half dressed women on the mexican tv station were, the ones who were dancing around on the screen.  He would tell me that they were more beautiful then my ugly mama (meaning my grandmother). This with my grandmother sitting less than 3 ft away.  I would tell him he was wrong and that my "Mom" (that's what I called her) was the beautiful-ist Mom in the whole wide world. He would tell me she wasn't. And just in case you thought he was kidding, he would then tell me that I was replaceable. That if I didn't behave he would replace me with some mythical girl from down the street.

I grew up and got away from him. I ended up being banned from his house because I wouldn't disown my biological Aunt, his step-child. My grandmother didn't get away. When I was in my early 20's I asked her why she didn't just leave him. She told me it was too late. She said she was too old.

Then earlier this year I was shocked when I spoke to her on the phone and she told me she wanted to visit me after years of not seeing each other. I told her she was more than welcome. The night she got here, she sat in my recliner and she told me that she really missed me and thought about me a lot over the years.  See-- when I was banned from that house, I never looked back. I felt my grandmother had made her decision and I would only see her when she came out to our state and visited out there. She also told me about how she was so glad she got to see me one last time. That broke my heart.

Very shortly, I would learn that her children were acting like she had one foot in the grave and that her husband had been robbing her blind. She was broke. While she was here visiting me she told me of the awful things he has done since, she even went farther back and told of ways he had taken her money and forced her to sign documents, he even forged her name.  She confided that she was terrified she would have no place to live because he had forced her to sign a paper that basically meant if something happened to him she would have to pay $847 to live in her own home. A reverse mortgage maybe? I don't know.

I told her she could stay here as long as she wanted and that is what she has done. She has not asked to go back. I do hear her tell people on the phone that she is going to visit them on the weekends but she tells everyone she encounters here that she has moved here.  She keeps telling people she is happy here. She is fed well, she goes to the (senior) center and exercises and she goes places.

Back home she sat in a recliner and watched tv all day. Nobody cared. Now that she is here, her children are concerned.  They are concerned we are taking her money. Isn't that a hoot?  My grandmother has three accounts now: Christmas club, savings and checking. She is doing well. She has new clothes. She has everything she wants.

She is "allowed" to have saints and flowers and whatever she wants decorating her space without being yelled at or told it isn't her house to do these things. Yes, her husband would not let her have flowers in the house or much of anything else. I tried to give her a room but she wants to stay in the living room because she is in the middle of the action. lol

Halloween 2010

I have never seen my grandmother so happy. I had never heard her true laugh or even a belly laugh until now and I am cherishing it all.

She asked me to be her Power of Attorney effective immediately when her children tried to have her declared incompetent. But I still live in fear that her kids will do something to take her from here. One of her son's who is just like his father believes my grandmother "belongs" with her husband.  He's trying to stir up trouble.

They have been attacking my mother and trying to get her arrested for things like kidnapping my grandmother (which obviously isn't true) to filing missing person reports. It's been stressful. I've been researching how to protect my grandmother since it appears that she may be in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

I know it's easy to be in denial. But I'm not so sure that my grandmother has Alzheimer's. It's more like she's checked out and is creating the life and family she wished she had.  Her brain scans came back normal. If someone rubs her the wrong way she is alert as can be, but if something is stressful or uncomfortable (her children asking her when she's coming back) she disassociates, just like our RAD kids do.  She even gets stress eczema and picks at her face. I don't know.

I want more than anything to keep her safe and I hope that is God's plan too.  I hope to meet with a lawyer to see if there is anything more I can do. I feel like right now is the time that she's getting some of her life back, I don't want the belly laughs and chuckles behind her hand to end for her.  I don't want her entire life to be gone and taken from her by all the selfish people around her.

Fantasy Vs. Reality: Senior Style

I haven't had much time to blog, so I hadn't had the time to post about my grandmother's (G) fantasy.

See she said she was ready to go back and get her stuff and come back here to move. 

I'm reluctant, because, well if you knew G. It's a drastic measure and she changes her mind all the time. 

Anyhow, the fantasy slipped out...because she wants to buy herself some beautiful shoes, and a beautiful pants suit and some beautiful jewelry. 

The reason- she wants to get off the car (her words) and show them how well she is doing.  

Yep, she wants to show off.  10 lbs lighter, blood sugar better (but not regulated), clearer minded. 

I don't know if I'm more surprised that she's having that fantasy or that it's still a fantasy to be had. 

I'm not ready to send her back yet. I don't think she's strong enough. She still needs to have her blood sugar regulated, her missing teeth replaced, new glasses and a good pair of custom diabetic shoes before I think she should be going anywhere if she must go.  That's not even mentioning a better health and prescription plan.  Even then, I worry about what they will do to her when she gets back.

I know she's proud. But I also found out it's not just the immediate family that's been taking from her. Apparently, some of her sisters and their kids have had their turn with G's money. It's so disgusting. G doesn't even get that much and like leeches they smelled blood. 

When I first found out about all this, I told G she should just let them stick the money up their you know whats but she wants her money. I guess I can understand. Lord knows she broke her back day in and day out earning it. Walking to work and home....

Take care of your affairs, assume the worst and plan for it. That's the lesson I am learning. 

Heartbreak

At least that's how it mostly feels.

The kids seem to be going through a second honeymoon phase now that my mom is here. I kind of thought it was going to go that way. Honeymoon is ending, but nothing I can't handle.

Right now it is my grandmother (g) that is weighing heavy on my heart.  She's doing excellent or she was until yesterday.

My heart is heavy because just yesterday she wanted me to change her address, just yesterday she wanted to get to work on getting her a better insurance plan. She told me she was happy here and very comfortable. If I had written a post yesterday it would have been all about how my home is a safe haven for people, but I didn't get a chance to write.

I'm not sure what changed. She spoke to one of my aunts. My aunt filled her in on the drama that is going on back at g's house. My mom and I are being accused of stealing from g.  It's the farthest thing from the truth. But the drama is getting heavy out there and it's all by the very people who were stealing from her.  Her husband and one of her sons and his wife have threatened through the grapevine that they are going to show up here and take her back.

They don't have my address. But they will in a few days because of an address change I did for her yesterday. They are going to send a confirmation to her house. Those people have been opening her mail and reading her statements, etc...

It was so sad, last night she thought she saw a man in my house and then she thought she saw one outside the window. She was scared and stressed. She started regressing. She said she knows she shuts down when she gets nervous. She didn't sleep well.  All because of them.

What pisses me off the most is that these so called concerned people have not asked once about her health. It's been all about g's money. I wish there was some way I could stop them. G thinks she is strong enough to face them but I'm afraid she isn't.  She never has been and that's why they do the things they do.

I thought everything was fine. We went and picked up some of my mom's stuff from storage since she's moving her things in a little at a time and when we got home G told my mom that they were going to the stores tomorrow and then the next day my mom was taking her home.

I was so confused.  I asked her why she was leaving and she said she had to get her things back there. I wasn't sure what she meant. I asked her about the address change and stuff she wanted me to do just the night before.  I told her it was going to take a bit to get all that switched because I just started.

I guess she hadn't thought about that. But we had just talked about getting her medicare straightened and a new prescription plan and finding a doctor to recommend her for the diabetes shoe program I found out about.

She said she still wants to do those things and then she will go get her stuff.

I clarified on her stuff because she kept saying get them. So I asked what her plan was. She said she has to move here. I asked her why she said  "have" and she smiled at me.  I told her that I didn't want her to feel like she "had" to move here.  She repeated that she wanted to get her stuff and that she's happy here.

So, I told her if she wanted to move here, I could take the stuff I just started moving into the old homeschool room that I was making into a sewing room out of there and she could have that room. I told her to just let me know.

Then she made me so sad. She told me this is the best time she had in her life and that we had a lot of fun and that she was really happy here. She was talking past tense.  I don't know what that means.  Then she told me that I haven't seen the last of her and that I am not going to get rid of her so easily.  She was laughing and smiling the whole time.

I'm .so. confused.

I am also so scared for her to go back.  I'm scared she'll back down.  I'm scared they will take over and shut her down again.  I'm scared for my mom to go and help her get her stuff back.

I wish I knew what to do or how I could help her.  If she really just wants her stuff and just wants to move here, I have let her know she always has a place here. But the way she came here, the condition she was in. I can't in good conscience let her go back to that without reporting it.

Her bank statements that have come show that my grandfather was using her card all the time as if it were his, the lady at the bank that I talked to today was witness to him forcing her to add him to her account.

He was buying her Wendy's all the time. She's diabetic with high cholesterol. Some days he even went twice to Wendy's. He would buy her large cokes from McDonald's too and store them in the fridge for her.  Sundaes from McDonald's too. With her health history how can that NOT be trying to kill her off?

The day they drove up here her blood sugar was 220. She was almost 200 lbs.

This is her now: It's hard to see what the meter says but it actually says 95.  I think if you click the picture it will enlarge. You see how happy she is? She's also down 10 lbs. She's only been here a month and 2 days.

This was her the night she came. She's wearing one of Hubbin's t-shirts because the shirt she had was brand new when we visited my Aunt back when I was NINE or so. The other shirt was full of holes and was held together by safety pins. Her lady bits were visible through it.

I feel so helpless. I don't know how to keep her safe.

one-three-one!!!

That was my grandma's blood sugar Saturday morning.  Steadily going down. I had another post in the works but I guess I lost it even though I had saved it which is a little troubling to me. It's troubling because I was trying to document some of what has come to light.

So I'll try a quick recap, About a week ago today my grandmother ran out of her memory meds.  We weren't able to refill being a Sunday. So she went the day without the pills and just the patch. Well, last Sunday night it hit the fan. It was like a fog was lifted for my grandma. She had lucidity and it was scary and exhilarating at the same time. Scary because I didn't know if the lack of pills was causing this or if it meant that the pills had been causing her haze.

What I can tell you now is that she's had about two fuzzy moments without the pills and both times she was pretty exhausted.

Anyhow, her moment of clarity came two days after my grandfather wiped her accounts out. Last Sunday night she was a-n-g-r-y. Like old days angry but amplified by the fact that she actually used the D-word (Divorce) which she's NEVER done and she spoke of my mom's bio dad who died when my mom was 3 or so. This was monumental. I mean she was talking about property that she owned and the  atrocious things my current grandfather has done to her.  She said when my grandfather takes her places and if people try to talk to her he tells them she doesn't know anything any more and she's lost her mind and not to talk to her.  He threatened her that if she left to visit me, he was going to bring another woman into the house. I mean some really awful things.

I've known he is an a-hole for decades but I didn't know just how low he has sunk. My grandmother doesn't want to go back. She said he sold their house to the bank and if something happens to him, she has to pay $817 a month to live in that house.  I mean so much was said. It was truly like a cloud lifted and she was herself again.

I'm trying to figure out a way to get her a better insurance plan out here because something is wrong. I'm not 100% positive but I think her daughter I wrote about in my backstabbers post may have been lying and had her diagnosed with Alzheimer's to keep her in check.  I don't even know if that is possible, but my grandmother is doing so much better without those pills and the patches. Plus,  it turns out that same daughter has been the only one taking her to this doctor and had the whole thing set up AND she claimed my grandmother had to be back for an appointment with him this past week but when my mom called to reschedule they said there was never any appointment for this past week or any future appointments. Go figure, huh? Shady bitch... when I get my grandma insurance here and if I find out she was doing shady things...she better watch out because I am soooo turning her in.

Apparently, my grandmother was allergic to the patches as well. They were leaving big red welts and peeling her skin around the edges.  Part of an allergic reaction. It was more noticeable now that she is bathing regularly and was having the patch changed daily as it should have been.

I get so nervous.  My grandmother has been known to sway.  She gets scared and she backs down and changes her mind about things.  I get nervous to put myself out there because I know there's that possibility that she'll throw me to the vultures again.  This time is sort of different. She's used some very strong words that she's never said before.  She was really unhappy and tired of the abuse.  I don't blame her but I don't know what changed this time around. But then you know crying wolf and all that...

She worries about her youngest son who is in his 40s. In a way, I understand, but the relationship seems so twisted. The cord needs to be cut already and he needs to grow up.

Anyhow, Friday we took her out to the mall where she spent herself silly and bought things she didn't need.  We went to Sephora and she had a blast, she bought some stuff from the Holy Land store. Then I took them out to Chinese for lunch and we shopped for new shoes.  We stopped at Bath & Body Works and I bought us a couple of things.  She was wiped out. As we were leaving she stopped at the jewelry counter and spent the last of the little money she had left on a jade elephant gold necklace for good luck.

My mom was hesitant for my grandma to spend all her money like that. But hell she only had under $250 left in her accounts and I asked my mom when she thought the last time my grandmother was able to frivolously spend like that? So she let it go.

I could tell my grandmother was happy to be using her own money. I wanted my mom to drop it. I have bought all the essentials she needs. Food, clothing, etc... so why not?  Let her have fun. If any of them have a problem, they need to leave my mom and grandmother alone and see me.  Because it's just redonkulous, it's her money dammit. She should be able to pamper herself. She earned it.

When we got home, I saw my grandma sitting in her recliner. She had pulled everything out. She touched the rosary bracelet she bought and turned it around her wrist as she held her arm in the air admiring it. Then she reached to her neck and clutched her elephant necklace. Smiling the whole time. She took out her lotions and make up and lined them up.  It may sound silly but I wanted to cry. Those things clearly mean something to her.  I don't want to talk like she's dying or anything but I'm glad she got to do that and I hope she gets to do it more often.

I guess I feel like I have limited time before they take her from me and kill her back home. Her kids keep pushing with what seems like no regard for her or her health or even her happiness. I figure eventually she will cave and leave. It makes me sad. But I will try to give her as much as I can while she is still here. I will try to make sure she has as much fun as possible and I will try to be sure she is happy.

It's all I can do.  I wonder if this is how she felt before my mom took me back when I used to live with her.

PS. I know her hair looks like she put her finger in a socket. She's funny because she thinks she's fluffing it, but this is the way it turns out. My mom had done it for her before we left and it looked nothing like this. This is her with her new Sephora look, see how she's working it? LOL!

The Great Gummy Bear Scuffle

So, both my mom and my grandmother's blood sugar has been dropping pretty rapidly, or at least it seems. They both seem to be craving sweets more too.

I thought it would be a good idea to take my grandmother to Sunflower Market so she could walk off her breakfast and do some shopping. I was already going there, so why not?

Holy moly people, I was speechless and I will tell you why.  I was looking for sweets they could both have.  My grandmother picked sugar free popsicles and my mom picked sugar free gummy bears.  I told my grandmother she could have a popsicle in the car on the way home because it was also a hot day.

So my mom gets my grandmother her popsicle while I am loading the groceries and my grandmother's walker in the car. My mom also takes out her gummy bears (which I've found out are bad for them).  I didn't realize my mom had given my grandmother her popsicle already until I went to shut her door. There was like a bite left. Grrreat!!!

Now imagine this if you will. My grandma finishes her popsicle at the same time my mom asks me to open her gummies. I open them for her and pass them up ( we went in my mom's car and they were in the front and I was in the back.)  She takes two and my grandmother asks her for some. My mom tells her no because she just had her dessert. Meanwhile, we are still sitting in the parked car in the parking lot and I am putting on my seatbelt.

Next thing I know, my mom tells my grandmother she can't have anymore. Apparently, she held it out for her to take some and my grandma thought she was going to take the tub. So my mom starts to pull it away and my grandma grabs a fistful. My mom grabs the lid and tries to put it on while my grandmother yells at her she can have some if she wants and she will....

Um...WTF? This scuffle took like 30 seconds but it felt surreal.

I'm just sitting in the backseat speechless until I found my senses and told them to give me the frickin' gummy bears and neither one of them can have them. I get the container passed back to me and put the lid on.

My mom is grumbling that it's not fair because those were hers and my grandmother already had her dessert and my grandmother is munching on the gummies she took laughing.

Let's just say they didn't talk to each other the whole way home or for a couple of hours later.

Ahhhh, silence *chuckle*

I felt like telling them "I can't take you two anywhere!"  or  "If you two can't behave you can't go to the store anymore with me." or "See if I buy you guys anything ever again!" You know all those good parent sayings  :-)

Spending this time with them has made me see just how much alike they are. I suspect that's why they have clashed so many times over the years.

Pure craziness, I'm not sure it's all diabetes related. lol!

one-four-nine!!!

Remember her blood sugar from yesterday?  This morning it's 149 BAYBEE!!!

Whoo HOO!

In the picture above she was in the middle of saying the number when my flash popped up and startled us both. LOL!  In my excitement, I forgot to pop it up.

I think she (and everyone else around here) is getting a kick out of MY excitement.  Last night she was trying to make a potholder on one of the kid's weaving looms from homeschool.  It was cute and funny because she didn't realize she was supposed to weave it, so she was just chugging along very busy like layering them until the loom gave.

Right now, she is out getting her hair cut and permed.  She's having a good time and she's getting better. Why can't they let her have a stress-free vacation? What is it that they have done that they are so afraid of her to be out of their grasp?

Back to our regular programming...

This was written last night but posted tonight. This morning when we took my Grandmother's blood it was 178. The lowest it's been since she came for her visit! YES!  Hoping it continues to go down.

Strangely enough, the stuff hit the fan about an hour and a half after I got a hit from Tucson...Hmmmm.... I wonder how they are going to explain the fact that since she's been gone (a week Friday) her bank account has dropped down to $136.  There are no transactions from my state, ya know? The one she's actually been in the last week. I know this because she hasn't even taken her purse with her when she goes out.  Everything she needs or wants is paid for.

She said she didn't want to go back, so I told her she could stay here as long as she wants and even live here if she wants to. Of course, she was mad....so I don't know whether to believe she truly wants to live here. I heard her tell the lady at the bank over the phone that she likes it here and that she's going places and is in no hurry to get back.

I'm worried for her.
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Things here are going great!

My grandmother isn't nearly as bad off as everyone is saying. I think people need to stop talking around her and talk to her. I've held numerous conversations with her and she's held her own just fine. I don't think people ask her anything, I think they just tell her.    

She made me tear up the first night because she said she had something to tell me. She told me she was glad she got a chance to see me again before she dies.  I could tell it was important to her to tell me that. I told her she's no where near dying and that's when I realized people are treating her like she has one foot in the grave and that's just not the case.

I was so angry. She got here with clothes that had holes in them, the shirt she was wearing was a shirt that I happened to remember seeing on her when her and I visited California in the 80s when I was 9 or so, I used to have a picture somewhere. It was new then, but now it was at least 2 sizes too small and instead of buttons it was being held closed by safety pins.  I should have taken a picture of it.

Instead, I went straight to the store and bought her some new shirts and shorts and undies, etc... I also bought her a new nightie.  It makes me sad too because my grandmother has given up in that respect. She would have never gone out in public like that.

She seems happier now though. She's been working on jigsaw puzzles and she even sewed a felt heart and teddy bear by hand. She went shopping the day before last. She was ready to have her hair done but the lady I like wasn't in. She's supposed to get it done Friday and she's really excited.

Today I bought her a new recliner. There was an awesome Father's Day sale out here and I was able to get her this really cool recliner that has heat and massage. It even has a cooler for her drinks in the arm rest and a place for her to put all her magazines and tissue.  I think the name of the recliner is "The Tailgater". It's the cutest thing. It came with one of those can snuggie thingies.

I have some concerns about her health. There are things that I think aren't right. I've discovered that she hasn't been taking her diabetes or alzheimer's medications regularly. Case in point, she has patches she's supposed to wear for memory. These appear to have been prescribed in April and there haven't been any refills since. She still had 15 patches left from that first box.  When my mom and I gave her a shower I discovered she was wearing two patches. My mom doesn't know who put the patch on her lower back but she is only supposed to wear one at a time.

I spoke with Hubbins home health nurse about diabetes and she was really informative and helpful. We try to buy as much organic as we can, you know- veggies and fruit and now I'm buying with carbs and sugar counts in mind. My grandmother is eating healthy now, she hasn't had any Coke either. I've bought her flavored waters that have less than one gram of sugar, no calories and 4 carbs. We've cut back on the white stuff- bread, rice, etc... and we've increased her protein a little.

She does have some stiffness, but she appears to be getting stronger and more mobile. I worry that she might fall going to the bathroom but she's not limping so much. Instead of my mom and I holding her under each arm, I can now hold her hand and walk her to the bathroom.  Hubbins has a potty chair that is helping her tremendously. It's kind of funny because she loves it.  It's not so hard on her knees and she doesn't have to drop down because the seat is higher and wider like an actual chair.  It has arm rests to help her get up and down too. I noticed she's not getting up as often to go to the bathroom. The first few nights we were up between 18-20 times. Last night she didn't get up to potty at all. Tonight has been moderate so far but she drank a ton because she was trying out the flavored waters.

My mom also bought her a shower chair. We haven't tried that yet. I had just put a folding chair in my shower but already she was liking that. She only has a tub at her house, but I have a walk in shower.

I had bought Hubbins a really nice wheelchair when we were first dating because I thought it would work as a shower/potty chair but because of his contractures it didn't work. I'm glad we didn't get rid of it. It works wonderfully for my grandmother. When her and my mother went shopping, we packed up the chair and they were out for hours. My mom pushed my grandmother in the chair and my grandmother pushed the shopping cart. lol! I didn't go with them, but I bet it was a sight.

Right now she has a cough that is worrying me. She has a lot of congestion. I don't know what is causing it. I thought it might be allergies at first but my mom said she's had the cough for years.

I've never seen pictures of my grandmother smiling and I've actually taken pictures of her here at my house smiling and laughing AND looking at the camera. That's big stuff right there. I will treasure this time and everything she has touched here. I'd like for her to stay here because I think it would be the best thing for her. But I know she has a life back in Arizona.  I worry that if she were to go back she would deteriorate. I know it's a hard call for people and I know I have a lot on my plate (so it would seem)  but she's no where near death's door and I think her best option would be to continue to thrive here.  With all that I have written can you believe it's only been 4 days since she's came here.

Just knowing there is an additional adult in my home has decreased my stress levels tremendously. My grandmother's needs are simple and so easy compared to my RAD experiences that it doesn't even stress me out. My situation doesn't seem so heavy anymore.  I don't have to worry that if something were to happen I wouldn't have anyone to take care of my kids or be at the hospital.  My RA appears to be in remission. I have some soreness but my muscles are getting stronger and no inflammation.

Over the last two weeks I've installed two air conditioners: one was 48 lbs and the other was 118 lbs.  I did well. I helped the movers with boxes and stuff over the weekend and I had some stiffness. Nothing major.  Just today, I put together the recliner and pulled in and installed our replacement freezer and I'm still doing great. Don't mistake this for bragging, I'm just so surprised.

I'll have to tell you about the shed fiasco because I also tried to put a shed together last week. Because of that, I now have to make a trip to the dealership for my van. My luck!

But I'm sure this is already waaaay too long and I've probably bored everyone.

Hope everyone is well.

An update on the move

Thanks guys.  I've been trying to keep my stress and fear in check.

My mom is actually bringing my grandmother in the moving truck as we speak.

My grandmother wants to visit me and every one is in an uproar.  They think she's not going back. But um,  Hello! she has all her doctors out there and she even has appointments at the end of the month that she needs to get to.

There have been threats to call the police, which pisses me off even more. My grandmother used to visit her daughter in California for a month at a time or longer. No one had problems with that, my grandmother didn't need permission. Why can't she visit me? Because I spoke my mind 7 years ago?  Really? The police? *shaking head*  My grandmother has not been declared incompetent by her doctor so wtf?

I'm worried and afraid for my grandmother. My mom says she can tell that my grandmother is worried because she gets quiet. Isn't that awful that she has to worry about all of them and what they are going to think instead of what she wants to do? She's never been to my state. When I talked to her she told me she wanted to see me and wanted to come to my state.  She has dinner plans at Red Lobster with my mom and Hubbins (well as soon as he is able to get up, which looks like he will in a week or two).  She wants to see my kids (this is where she is a little fuzzy, but it could be because no one ever told her I have my sister's kids).  She asked me if they were well behaved and listened to me (all you RAD knowing people will get a good chuckle at that. I did.)  I don't want my grandmother to feel how I am feeling right now.

I'm torn. I know it's the right thing, but I also know my grandmother has her strong and weak moments.  Early yesterday when my mom picked me up she said my grandmother was worried. Last night when she called she told me my grandfather had called and my grandmother told her not to answer the phone twice and chuckled to herself. When I talked to them earlier today, they were on the road and had made a pit stop for a potty break. My grandmother had her trip snacks and rags (enquirer, star, woman's world, etc...) and she was smiling and ready to go. We had joked about them being Thelma and Louise with no suicide or Brad Pitt.

I'm closing for now. I just took my vitamins and supplements and I am feeling nauseous. Ugh. I do not want to throw up.

It's 3 am...

and I am so stressed.

1.) I have a reader from Tucson, AZ and I don't want to scare anyone off but I'm hoping it's not relatives.

2.) I'm angry that I have to worry about relatives reading my blog.  Well, not really relatives but the kids bio mom.

3.) Part of me doesn't want to care and the other part thinks I should move my blog...but then I think when will it ever end...

4.) I hate my so called family.

Do you guys have family that is just plain out trash? That's how I feel about my family. I'm going to lay  out there what I know. My grandmother has alzheimers. Her husband and some of her kids have been ripping her off. Her other kids don't even care enough to take care of her.

My mom is doing all her daily care.

Case in point, My mom was at my grandma's house this past week helping her out around 2 pm. In the course of looking for a drinking glass she discovered that mice had been in my grandmother's cupboards and had eaten cornbread mix and whatnot. Then she gave my grandmother a shower (she is the only one who does this) and discovered that my grandmother has been throwing her underwear out and only has four pairs which were all dirty. To make a long story short, she calls me at 7:30 pm to discuss moving arrangements and I find out that she's just leaving my grandmother's house because she had to do the laundry and make sure she is fed.

I have an uncle who tries, but the rest... I don't know. One aunt is a recluse, the other is too busy with her life in California and the third aunt wants to puke at the thought of bathing my grandmother.  Her other son seems to show up when it suits him. She had six children and this is what it has come to.

I'm pissed because here I am, yes, I am the caretaker for a million people (so it seems) but I work from home, my house is ADA, I actually have a manual wheelchair and a shower chair and a shower she can get into (her home has a bathtub/ shower setup only) and I don't need ANYBODY'S money.  I'm hiring my mom to work for me as a nanny/housekeeper. Someone is here 24/7.

Everybody is soooo worried now. Only one aunt knows most of the situation here.  I have an aunt and an uncle that know that Hubbins is a quadriplegic and none of them save the one aunt knows that I have adopted my half sisters kids. They only know that one of my nieces was killed.

I'm very concerned about my grandmother.  I even said if she did not come with my mother, I was going to call the hotline for the disabled and the elderly.  I can't understand these people.  I really can't. Only my aunt who is a recluse has severe health issues. The rest are just worthless. I mean look at all I have already, it's nothing like them and they can't even take the time for her.  It makes me so angry and hurt.  My grandmother gave her entire life for them. She has and continues to put up with the abuse of my grandfather because she is one of those who is in it for life.

I hate that this has happened to her. I want to protect her from all the vultures. She hasn't been ruled incompetent but she doesn't have a durable power of attorney either. This would leave her at the mercy of her abusive husband who has a gambling problem should she be named incompetent. It's so scary.

I haven't been in the picture for the past 15 years or so because of her husband. I purged all toxic people out of my life then and he was one of them. She always chooses him because she doesn't believe she has another choice. This kills me.  I want no connection with the majority of those people who are supposed to be my family, but I'm not denying anyone access to her if she were to come live here except for the aunt who abused me and even then it's not access to my grandmother, I just don't want to see her. You know?

I can't understand why this has to be like this.  This is clearly the better place for her to be and they can keep on with their worthless lives without having to worry. Part of me thinks most of them are worried about her money and not her. I know my aunt who is sick is worried that I am taking on too much.  I worry that myself.  But you do what you gotta do. I need help and so does my grandmother and mother. I can't see why we can't all help each other out.  Hubbins and I are in a position financially to take them in and still be able to live comfortably without any monetary contribution from either of them.  They can use their money for what they need and not have to pay rent, food or utilities. We got all that.  So what's the problem?

It's some of their (her other children) insecurities and their inability to support themselves which is at stake. They should be honest.  I've never asked anyone for anything. Not a favor or a loan. I've always been able to support myself and have done so most of my life since I was a teen, even helping to support my mother and my sisters for a while by working 4 jobs while still putting myself through school.

As for me, no, I won't be able to purchase my grandmother a recliner or new clothes, but she has her own money for that and no I won't be able to pay my mom's bills but again she will have her own money for that... it's all just crazy to me.

My grandmother used to be a teacher's assistant for many years. I homeschool my kids, I can't think of a better way to help jog her mind by having her work with my kids if she feels up to it. She loved working with kids and all my kids are the right age range.

My grandmother loved to cook and she's always had a tiny kitchen and appliances that don't work. I have a large kitchen that my husband can do wheelies around in his motorized chair with room left over. My grandmother can't do stairs, we don't have any. We have ramps.

It makes no sense why they want to hand her a death sentence.

I don't even want to go into the way my own siblings have been treating my mother.

I am terrified. All I've ever wanted was a real family. I thought I was marrying into a pretty cool and close knit family and boy was that a slap in the face.

I am trying so hard to change this cycle and create the kind of family I always wanted for my children. I've discussed this with my mother. I know it's what she's always wanted for her children. We are both at a loss at how to make this happen.  I'm the only one who seemed to get the message.

Sorry this is so long, I feel a little better putting it out there. It's now 4 am. I probably won't sleep a wink until I know they are both here safely.