This post continues from the previous one....
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Just before hand, I thought I might let you know that I probably will be talking a lot about Joyce Meyer in the future. Her words have impacted my family in such a way that talking about what she says is the only way I can explain how she has changed our lives.
I do not believe in pushing God on anyone. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. You can ask my Hubbins. He was an atheist when I met him and I never once pushed him into changing his mind even though he eventually did. In fact, as evidenced by many of my blog posts we actually did a flip. I've had my struggles with God and they have been made public on this blog.
I believe we all have our own personal journeys, we falter in life, and we get back up. It is what makes us human. I do believe that God knew what we were and the mistakes we were going to make before we were ever born and he still loved/loves us anyway. I believe that we have a blood bought inheritance and that our sins are forgiven by Jesus dying on the cross for us. I don't think it gives us free reign because all is forgiven but I do believe that we don't have to think we are going to hell because we make mistakes. Our inheritance is that our sins have already been paid for.
I hope I am making sense. I've never gone this far in explaining what I believe on my blog.
Anyhow, Joyce was sexually abused by her father as a child and she talks a lot about how that made her feel shame, worthless, hard hearted, depressed and afraid. These are all things my children identify with. She talks about forgiveness and how hard it is but how it will benefit the person forgiving and is done for the person forgiving. She talks about staying positive and not letting negative emotions steal your joy. She also talks about not letting your past determine your future.
She talks about control and minding your own business. She talks about not trying to collect a debt from someone who doesn't owe it and she talks about taking charge of your mind- your thoughts and emotions.
At first I was listening to her on my own. I popped a cd I had burned of her radio podcasts in my car one day when I was driving CDQ to therapy. She was silent the whole trip there and mostly back. When the program was finished, she told me "that woman makes a lot of sense. I know what she's talking about." From there I decided that I was going to play podcasts for the kids at bedtime. At that time, the podcasts were about staying positive and not letting the devil control your thoughts and actions. I think it may have been called Guard Your Heart and it had three parts to the series. I'm not 100% positive on that though.
My kids were super excited about Joyce Meyer the next day and from then on. She has given them hope. Even though I had told them what happened to them was not their fault, for some reason she hit home with them in a way that my words never could.
For the first few weeks they had a Joyce Meyer quoting frenzy. lol!
At that time, CDQ had taken it upon herself that she was to be the one to quote to the others what they were doing wrong. Which is typical of her. She was also still attacking me. One day I decided to use Joyce's words. I felt so awful and cold and cruel about it, but now I can see that I actually led the way for her. She was starting to verbally attack me when I said "Look CDQ, I can see that this is going to end badly. I just want you to know that I have decided to follow what Joyce Meyer has said. Even if you are having a bad day and you try to take it out on me, you will not steal my joy. So you can do whatever you are going to do or say to me but I am determined to keep my joy no matter what." I smiled. It was not a vicious smile or anything like that it was just a smile that came from my heart because even though I felt some turmoil over doing that, the idea that she wasn't going to be able to tear me down was just peaceful.
That stopped the attack right in it's track. She hasn't attacked me since. Today came close, but I will tell you about that later.
CDQ has been coming to me more often to talk about what Joyce says and get clarification. Last week she came to me and told me she thought she was depressed because she missed people. I told her I wasn't sure if she was depressed or just sad. I asked her if she felt hopeless or if she felt sad. She said she felt sad. I told her that I thought people who were depressed felt like they didn't have any hope and that I didn't think that was her. I told her I thought she was sad because she missed people. She agreed that she was just feeling sad. I told her that sometimes missing people can physically hurt. But that it wasn't an unusual feeling.
I then told her about Karlton. I told her it had been so long since he had died but that I've never forgotten him and that I think about him quite a bit when I remember things or wonder what his advice would have been. I explained to her that I still miss him and that my heart actually hurt when he died and for many years after because I was so sad, she saw I was crying and I told her even after all this time I always do cry and that's ok. I explained that as the years go by the pain will lessen some.
I also told her that there is a line there, because I had been dealing with this myself. I told her that there is a point where we can become selfish and angry with God for taking them and when we start to feel that way we have to realize that they are in heaven and that they are safe and pain free and no one can hurt them anymore. Even though we feel so sad we should also be happy for them because they are free.
She felt better after that. I noticed a shift in her. She is definitely trying to stay more positive but she has begun to attack the oldest instead of me. I have tried to tell the oldest to try what I did but she's at the point where she's so angry at CDQ she doesn't see how telling CDQ anything would help. So I still have some work there.
But today we had a breakthrough. CDQ was diagnosed with a tapeworm yesterday morning. We have no idea where she got it. But she is the least hygienic of all my kids and she can't keep her hands off herself or out of her mouth. Anyhow, prior to finding out about the worms, she had been saying that she was too full to eat and I had asked that everyone serve her a little less food so it wouldn't go to waste. The oldest was the one who had served her soup for lunch. She had forgotten to give her less. The twist in today's tale was that there was to be an after lunch Halloween cupcake.
CDQ started complaining to me that the soup was too much, this before she even ate any of it. She didn't want to eat it. I told her that she should eat it because of her problem but that if she didn't want to eat it that was fine but only those who ate lunch were going to get a cupcake. This is where I found out that the oldest was not eating her lunch either and hadn't even served herself a bowl. I told her she wasn't getting a cupcake either because she had to eat lunch. By now CDQ had become whiny. I was firm with her when I told her that the eating lunch/cupcake thing was not negotiable. She told me that she didn't know what that meant and she didn't care. I said "Oh, you don't care, ok, then I don't either." Mind you that was not said with sarcasm the way hers was. It was more in a nonchalant manner like she had suggested that it didn't matter and I didn't realize that. You know?
I told her she didn't have to eat it, but she was going to have to eat dinner. She got up and it appeared she was going to storm out of the room. On her way out, I stopped her and I told her that I knew she was working really hard on staying positive and that I hoped she wasn't going to let this steal her joy for the entire day. I reminded her what Joyce said about letting the little things bother you and opening the door for the devil to steal your joy. She stood at the counter opposite the room with her arms crossed and she was definitely contemplating it. Then she told me she didn't like that soup, she said it was nasty. I told her I didn't know that because she was the one who told me before that she LOVED that soup and it was sooooo yummy and she couldn't eat enough of it. (Seriously, she had said all that as she slurped it down before) She had a grin playing on her lips and then in a whiny voice she said she knows she said that but she doesn't like it anymore. So I announced to the kitchen if they didn't like that flavor all they had to do was let me know and I would buy a different one.
The oldest felt this was giving in to CDQ and I told the oldest that I really didn't care what flavor of soup they ate just as long as they ate. She shrugged her shoulders to that.
So then CDQ started with the water works, I think it was aggravating her that the other kids had finished and were hugging me and thanking me for lunch and picking their cupcakes.
By now, it was time for me to do a procedure on Hubbins. CDQ told me she was hungry. I told her she could eat until she got full (because she was still trying to say it was too much) but the only way she was going to get a cupcake is if she ate it all (it was half a bowl). I told CDQ that the soup that was made was what was for lunch, in the future I could buy a different kind but that was lunch (because can you imagine the catastrophe if I were to let 5 kids choose their meals on a daily basis?). She told me she didn't want the cupcake anyway. So then I said "Oh, then what's the problem? Just eat what you want of it."
Then she told me she didn't want to eat it so I told her it was ok for her to just go to her room. Then she said "didn't you hear what I said?" I told her "yeah, you said you didn't want it." Then she said "No I didn't!" By this point the oldest is exasperated she's been watching the whole scene unfold while she was making herself soup because she wanted a cupcake. I'm just keeping my cool.
I told her the way I saw it , she was trying to make this about me and that the only thing I was insisting was that she eat her lunch so that she gets proper nutrition. But in fact it's her that is making the decision, not me. I told her she had three choices: She could just go to her room and wait for dinner, or she could eat what she wanted of it or she could eat it all and get a cupcake. She stood there pouting and like I said I had a procedure to start on Hubbins so I told her that she was going to have to go to her room and think about it if she needed more time because I had to start Hubbins. I told her she could call me through the intercom when she knew what HER decision was. I knew that she had been attacking the oldest and it wasn't safe for me to leave them alone in the kitchen.
So she was still pouting as she sat down to eat, then she wanted it warmed up and I warmed it for her in microwave. So, her and the oldest were sitting across from each at the table. She was still pouting and the oldest was trying to eat her soup with a fork. I decided to try and break the tension by joking that they looked like the contestants on the Amazing Race look when they've been given like a pigs face or something to eat. This got them both to smile.
CDQ started eating her soup like she was starving. I mean she was shoveling it in but still trying to play the part. She told me it was nasty as she stuck more noodles into her mouth. I told her I thought she was doing awesome for not liking it. Because of how well she was doing, I had actually decided that even if she didn't eat it all I was going to let her have her cupcake because she had really kept it together. I mean her sarcastic stuff I italicized is nothing compared to how she can get.
The next thing I know she was jumping up from the table exclaiming "I ate it all!" I was really cheery about it and told her to pick her cupcake. She was so happy. When she was done and leaving the kitchen I told her to come back and I held my arms open for a hug. She came barreling back and slammed into me, she said "pick me up! pick me up!" I looked at her and I showed her that she was nearly as tall as me and I couldn't pick her up , so she went running to the oldest and tried to get her to do it." I had told her I was really proud of her and that far as I could see the score was CDQ 1; devil 0. She was sooo happy. I asked her was it really that bad eating that soup and she sheepishly said "no, it wasn't bad at all". Then she told me she was bad though. I told her "No you weren't. You said a few rude things but it's nothing like what you used to say. I can see that you are trying and that's what counts. Sometimes you will have some bad days but as long as you don't give up or think it's over because you messed up, you'll be
ok."
Joyce talks about not throwing in the towel and going back to stinkin' thinking when you slip up. Everybody has bad days but you shouldn't disregard all your accomplishments because you make one mistake. She says to pick yourself back up and start right where you left off. Basically don't feel like you're a total failure over one thing.
And finally what this longwinded post is leading to is this... CDQ came to me an hour later and hugged me so tight, not a side hug but an actual hug- full hug arms around my neck because I was sitting down. Let me just mention now, usually if CDQ is hugging me it's from the side and that's when she delivers what I call her zingers, She whispers something in my ear to try and hurt me. So it appears to others that she is being lovely but truly she is verbally attacking me where usually no one else can hear but me. But this time she said "I love you, I love you sooooo much." I have to admit. I choked as I said "Really, I didn't think so, I thought you didn't care about me at all." She was still hugging me and she said "no, sometimes I just say mean things I don't really mean."
~!~!~!~!~!~!~! HUGE~!
It was totally genuine. I was floored. I wish she could feel that safe all the time. But I have so much to thank God for and I can't help but feel like Karlton has had given me the ultimate last advice and his advice has finally been taken 13 years later. He would have done anything to help me back then and it appears he still is in my corner even if he is no longer with us.
