My heart still hurts. It's lessen some over the years. I tell myself I need to stop being so selfish. I was just a friend. His family is the one that lost the most... I should celebrate the day he went home, etc....
Some days I understand. Others I just can't understand. I know I should be so thankful for the time I did have. The opportunity I had for him to teach me what family really is and unconditional non-judgmental brotherly love. We could talk about anything honestly and without reserve. How many people get to say they've ever felt that?
He was with me when I figured out I had been molested. He's the one I called from the ER. He's the one I told about my religious beliefs. He's the one who made me think about myself and who I was. He made me see people differently. He changed me forever.
But now, now I know what I am missing and it makes it even worse. Our last conversation still haunts me. The way it all ended. My dream that I shared with him about dying in a car accident. His excitement over "God having great things planned" for him. I guess in his eyes going to Heaven would be great things but I don't think he thought it would be The End.
You see in the weeks before his death, he was settling his affairs. Paying off all his debts, making sure his wife was getting her business together. Just making sure everything was in order. He was so happy and so adamant about getting everything right.
I have to admit, I go rounds with God because on one hand I think that was so cruel but on the other I see it was his reward for following God's will.
I often wonder what he would think about what has become of my life. I guess as I just typed this question, I got the answer in my head.
CREAM PUFF!
*rolling eyes*
You see there were two things Karlton wanted from me. He wanted me to admit that I was a cream puff and that I wasn't as hard as I was carrying myself back then (boy were my walls high and made of the toughest material) and he wanted me to read the book! (the Bible). You see Karlton was a non-denominational minister too.
I wish I could go to him for advice, I wish he met my husband, I wish my kids knew him. I wish, I wish, I wish...
In a way, I think I got my wish.
I've recently mentioned Joyce Meyer on my blog. About 13 years ago, Karlton told me I needed to check out this female preacher. He said her and I were a lot a like and he thought I would like her. He told me she came on at 5 am. Like a smart ass, I told him I was NOT going to get up at 5 am for that and he could just tell me what she said.
Through the years after his death, Joyce Meyer has appeared on my tv screen at various times in my life and every time she was talking about something that I was mulling over or having a hard time with, so I would stop and listen and consider it Karlton's way of giving me some advice.
About a month ago, I was feeling so lost and just thinking about Karlton and what he would say and I came across Joyce Meyer and she was talking about how easy it can get to become confused about what God wants and what the Devil wants. She made me realize this:
I had been so busy fighting the devil that I didn't realize that I had turned my eyes away from what God wanted me to do. God never asked me to fight the devil. He wants me to work on the things he's placed in front of me. God won't help me with the things he did not ask me to do. So the devil won by distracting me and keeping me from focusing on what God wanted. I felt like God had abandoned me. I no longer heard his voice guiding me and it never donned on me that I wasn't doing his will. I was tricked into believing that I was working on protecting my family. She said that if we feel we are being attacked by the devil we need to give that to God to take care of for us.
That's what I heard that day...and THEN! That whole week, every time I turned on the tv or changed the channel Joyce was on preaching about all the things my kids and I were struggling with. I'm not exaggerating nor am I kidding. It even came to the point where Hubbins asked me just how many times Joyce came on a day.
I looked it up and she only comes on tv twice a day. But that whole week I got all the answers I was praying for, since that week I have been unable to find Joyce on any other stations at any other times other than the two per day that are in the listings. That day that I realized I was fighting the wrong fight, my mom came home with some Halloween Tarot cards. I know some people might be saying "what!?!" because of the way some people feel about the cards. But it's my mom's thing and she's taking a class on it at the senior center. She practiced by having me pull a three card spread which represents past, present and future. This my bloggy friends was my present card:
I don't know what the card means because I was just blown away by the picture itself. I would say it represents me with the devil now behind me and my looking towards God's light undeterred. Pretty cool huh? Believe it or not Joyce preached shortly after about ever feeling like we are having a certain message pounded into our heads. We see things on tv, get stuff in the mail, etc.... To me this card was the sum of it all.
I can't help but think if I had really listened to Karlton all those years ago what kind of differences would I know today. As I sat last week reading Dave Ramsey's book, Total Money Makeover, it stuck me that at two years younger than Karlton was when he died, I am getting my financial business in order and working on getting it together just as he had. I am reading The Book (ugh, I can totally see him gloating up there) and I must be a cream puff because I have an incredibly bitchy (<-- still working on the language) completely declawed black cat sleeping in my bathroom RIGHT NOW. We are talking about a cat that literally just hates me. Screams and hisses at me and even bit me-- only me. But you know black cats and Halloween and she has all four paws declawed and is totally defenseless and it's so cold outside, blah, blah, blah....yeah...cream puff I am.
I think if Karlton could see me today, he would be proud, even with my setbacks. And in the next post, I will tell you how his suggestion from 13 years ago has helped my kids.
Rest In Peace Karlton Glen Taylor, I am still spreading the word about you. As promised, I am telling everyone that you were a man of integrity and a man who kept his word. The world lost an amazing person the day you were taken from us, but even in your short time on Earth, you touched so many lives with your words and actions.
AND, thanks for the advice, I am listening...really I am. ;-)
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