Ding Dong Mom

This post will be nothing like what you might be imagining. lol

When I was a kid, I used to want to take a lunch box to school instead of eating hot lunch. I actually went to an elementary school where the hot lunch was delicious almost always.  The kitchen was ran by Hispanic women who made things like they would at home, they also served things like they would at home. lol

Anyhow, the reason why I am bringing this up is because I start school tomorrow (one of them anyway) and I've been wondering what kind of Mom I am going to morph into next. By that, I mean, I have been working 45+ hour weeks since the kids were placed here but I've been working from home.  In their eyes I AM a stay home mom.

I worry since I will be taking a full load at two schools and still continue to work at home that my Mama Points TM  will go further down. I worry about maintaining my health and limiting my fatigue.  I already know that I am the tough one. I'm the one that rides them and pushes them to do their best and most of the time I'm the one whose all business, while Hubbins is the movies and games parent especially since I got sick. Most of my energy goes into making sure everything runs around here.

I try to do things in my own way. Things that aren't too mushy or obvious because let's face it, I still fear regression and meltdowns and even though that doesn't happen as often, my kids are still their own worst enemy when it comes to sabotaging themselves.

So back to the lunch from home. When I was younger, I used to see the majority of the kids who brought home lunch had this familiar foil wrapped hockey puck like object in their lunch boxes. It was a little chocolate cake with filling inside and it was called  a ding dong. I had actually never had one, but what touched me was the fact that I believed their mother's made and wrapped these little cakes for them. I wanted a mother who would do that for me. So I begged and begged for lunch from home. When I finally was sent to school with my lunch, I was disappointed to see that I did not have that little foil wrapped gift in my box. I figured it was because it was my grandmother and not my mother who took care of me. I knew the lunch was packed with my grandmother's love but it wasn't the same.

It stuck with me. It stuck with me until the day I bought my own box of ding dongs and opened them to find they were already wrapped in foil and no one's mom was doing them any favors. lol!

But that feeling I had, that those kids mother's cared so much for them. That's how I want my kids to feel. I don't want them to feel anything less because I'm not their "mom" and I'm their Aunt.  I want to find the foil wrapped little cake that makes them feel they are loved by a mother.  That they are no less then anyone else.

I've been trying to find that but I guess I will never know until later when they come back as adults and share their stories.  I don't want my life to interfere with theirs. I want it to be something they can be proud of and be part of.  I am going back to school for all of us.  To try to make a better life for us all. To keep my health so that I can accomplish it all. But I hope it's not at their expense and I will do everything that I can to keep things running as smoothly as I can.

A mother's self-imposed guilt is a strong thing, isn't it? 

Forgive me...

I keep forgetting to take pics of the girl's room when they are awake!

Actually in all fairness, if they are awake, they are either doing chores or homeschool at this point in the game. Which means that I am there with them telling them/showing them how to do something or another.

I need to pull out my camera too. Have it handy so I'll remember. So many things I could be taking pictures of... like, out here in NM it is green chili season. When you walk outside or go anywhere the smell of green chili's roasting is in the air. It smells so good. We bought two 30 pound bags of medium hot this year (mild was already sold out) and my mom bought one bag of medium hot and one of hot. Peeling the chili is a lot of work but we separate it out into bags and freeze it, that way we have chili year round. It is so yummy. The chili this year is HOT HOT HOT!

I still have no word from the treatment center about CDQ, so I will just leave it at that.

I'm gearing up for some big changes next week. I'm starting to feel a little intimidated and that little voice inside of me keeps saying "Who in the hell do you think you are?" I just push it out of my mind. The old me wouldn't even think twice about what I am about to do- the voice would still be there... but the new me is worried about pain and flare ups and fibro fog and just plain fatigue.

You see, I applied to acupuncture school to become a Doctor of Oriental Medicine and I was accepted!

It's a three year accelerated program. I start the day after labor day and it will be intense.  Because it's an accelerated program my schedule will consist of around 24 credits/units a semester, plus clinic every week. to add to the matter, they've made an exception for me and are allowing me to take some classes at the community college concurrently. So I will be taking 11 units at the community college a few nights a week and on Saturdays- Anatomy and Physiology and lab, Biology for Health Science and lab, and Medical Terminology. After the three years are done, I will do another three years as a resident.

I will still continue to homeschool the kids and take care of Hubbins. I wish I could say my mother has been a big help, but I can't. I've really tried not to blog about all that but the reality is I didn't make things any better by moving her here to "help".

I'm trying to focus on the positives, I will be able to put my money where my mouth is. Only the oldest has seen me at work while I was earning my undergraduate degrees. My other kids only hear me tell them about what it will be like for them in college. Now I can SHOW them what it will be like and if I can do it with all these obstacles they most certainly can do it too.

I know when I was raising my step-sister's kids, we all sat around the kitchen table and did our homework together. I really thought they would make it to college. I thought I had instilled in them enough to make them want more, but I didn't have a long enough span of time with them to make it happen. They succumbed to toxic family cycles. :-(  They were much younger than my children. I really have to step it up so my kids will know that anything is possible.

I find they get discouraged because they are behind. They have a lot of holes that need filling and it is NOT their fault. But I don't feel like I am helping them if I were to let them skim over like they would in public/private school. The truth of the matter is my kids are super smart. They are still young enough to pick up on things rather quickly. My problem is they want to speed through it and end up making little mistakes that drive me crazy.   And that is what is slowing them down some, but we do have RAD surfacing, a lot of mute stares, head shaking because of course they know it ALL and just a lot of fear of vulnerability and looking stupid.  I don't know if I've just become accustomed to it, but I really think that stuff is starting to slip away. Don't get me wrong, I totally yank my hair out...but the tears (their's not me. lol) are getting less and I am able to slip in some encouragement (when they have turned to leave and are halfway out the door) and not have the raging backlashes.

Things can only get better, that's what I keep telling myself.

So many changes...

NEWS, NeWs, news!

I have news for you all but I have been out of my mind busy.

I recently realized I never posted the post about my SOLO ROAD TRIP last month. I had problems uploading pictures and then totally forgot. Oopsies!

I have the girls bedroom update- PEOPLE- I put together THREE loft beds and 4 rolling chairs. May not seem like a big deal but remember my Rheumatoid Arthritis?  To hell with you RA! (*fist shaking in air* because yes, I can make a fist again! whoo hoo!)

Which I need to post about my pain-free fingers now....SQUEE!!!  All I have left are weak wrists and ankles...

Big news on what will consume me for the next several years!

AND homeschooling stuff to share...we are easing into it...but lots of cool stuff.

Lastly, taking control of my home again, it is so nice to look around and see my house turning back into a home and not some place that looks like things were dumped and ransacked through. Which reminds me, I was streaming Hoarders on Netflix last week (yes, while I was cleaning- such a motivator. lol!) and there was an episode with a single adoptive father who was raising a child with RAD.  I looked at his house and I just felt so sad for him and the sibling who were living amongst it. There truly wasn't any understanding from the people around him- family/friends, etc... I was shocked that they were shocked about the pee. LOL! At first I wasn't certain that he was a hoarder and that it had more to do with the child's condition...I'm still left a little uncertain but it was such a clear reminder of our past. It definitely hit home.

Many things are changing around here... It seems for the better. Am I sad that CDQ couldn't be a part of it? Yes. Do I understand that these changes are possible because she's not here. yes. Unlike their bio mother who had no problem forgetting the child that was murdered, I still say I have 5 children and I guess I always will.

I expect to hear something from the treatment center regarding CDQ's situation next week.

So, I will be popping in here and there and trying to get as much as I can in. Our lives will change in just two short weeks. It's exciting and it's scary and it's the change we so desperately need.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Happy Sunday!

Keep the changes coming...

I won't lie, I am S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D! I am trying to control it because it's not bad stress it's just overwhelming. But RA and Fibro don't seem to care what kind it is.

We got the priming done in the girls room, except for one wall.  The girls had told me they wanted a purple room and I chose a sample called "Iced Purple". We tested it and all three of them loved it. I was surprised at how easy it was, so we went and got two gallons of it and are looking at getting that done tomorrow. The oldest got her hair cut while we were out and I will post that some time soon.

I was looking into buying a triple loft bed system for them and just as Hubbins was about to pay for it, I casually mentioned that maybe we should measure the room and what were the specs on it? UGH! It won't fit. The thing is a monster, which we should have realized with all the shelves, dressers, etc...so then we looked at triple bunk beds but um, all any of us could picture was a sandwich of kids since we could only find the triple bunk beds online and not see them in person. I don't know how sturdy they would be and my kids are tweens/teen already.

So, now I am looking at these metal loft beds that have shelving and a desk underneath. We think we can fit three of them in the room plus three dressers. That way each kid has a space for their computer and to do their work and still has room to play and make a space of their own. *phew*

The boy's room will be so much easier, but isn't that the way with everything?

Homeschool curriculum is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. 6 Boxes! 235 lbs of education! Are we excited!?!? Hell yeah! Am I scared?!?! You betcha! I was shocked when I paid that bill...but if it all works out I'll have most of the curriculum and only need to buy a few things for the oldest and SS over the next two years to complete the 8th grade curriculum and the 10th -12th grades. I finally decided I wanted a preset curriculum rather than piecing it all together myself and my kids (well with the exception of the boy--yet) LOVE to read and oh THE BOOKS that are part of the curriculum have them SO excited and the fact that they will be in their correct year of school and still have a safety net should there be some blank spaces that need filling makes them even more excited. I have high hopes for this curriculum and plan on sharing our selections and progress with it over the next year.

Finally we are getting a new extra huge refrigerator. It's supposed to be delivered on Saturday. CDQ broke both refrigerators and I had fixed them the best I could. How did she break both refrigerators, one might ask? Well, I was a fool. See when Hubbin's and I moved in there was a refrigerator here and we had brought one with us that we put in our laundry room as a spare. Well, when CDQ broke the first one, I figured it was just she was rough with things and it was an accident and moved the broken one to the laundry room and took the other one out. I explained she couldn't be so rough with things and of course she nodded like a bobblehead as it went in one ear and out the other. Then she promptly had the same accidents with the second one and no, I still wasn't wise yet and continued to trust her. It wasn't until I caught her talking to herself trying to pry the window sill up in her bedroom and heard her muttering that I didn't want her to destroy the house, so she was going to destroy it that I finally realized the truth. I'll be honest, I still had times where I trusted her and was screwed for it. I never seemed to learn with her.

Anyhow, there are going to be some MAJOR changes around here. Interestingly enough, they have nothing to do with CDQ unless something happens with the RTC stuff.

I'll post about things as they come up because a) I don't want to jinx things, and 2) I'll know things for sure by then.

In the meantime, I am trying to remind myself to just BREATHE!

Locks of Love

About a month ago now, my middle girls were talking about having their hair cut short again for summer time. Some where they had seen that they could donate their hair to other kids. So I googled and came across Locks of Love.So off we went to have their hair cut for donation.

 

Poufy went first and then SS as you can see, this is some serious stuff. :-)

If you haven't noticed, Poufy's hair is crazy curly and well, poufy.

 These were some serious times. ;-)

Decisions needed to be made...

I worried some with some of the faces they were making...

 But in the end...

 They were all smiles.

 Unfortunately, their hair looks better dried and done but I have yet to catch that.

You can sort of see in this picture, I caught Poufy off guard but you get the idea with her hair and SS is done up in the background too.

Now the oldest wants her hair cut but she's not cutting for length, just a style. Hopefully, we can go this week. 

Bio Mom vs. Adoptive Mom

My last post got me thinking and made me wonder... I've read many blogs where bio moms call their kids "lil a-holes" or some such name like that or threaten their kids in jest and it's the foundation of their blog: snarky- sarcasm...but I've never read an adoption blog where an adoptive mother does that.

I wanted to share our laughs with you, but towards the end of writing the last post I started worrying about whether I should be sharing that or not. Do bio moms do that? Do they worry about posting stuff like that? Or are they more secure in the fact that their children are indeed THEIR children for good? Because it doesn't seem like they worry about it. It seems like they are pretty carefree.

I'll admit, it was a confusing scenario for me because as SS's mother I felt like I should have been tough on her, but as her Aunt--well it was an Aunt like thing to tease her about it. As her Aunt, it was for me to leave it to her mother to correct... this is another one of my dilemmas, my personal issue since I am now one and the same.

I always worry someone is going to try to say I am unfit and take my kids away. I know I am not an unfit parent, but the fact that they've threatened me in the past for trying to get my kids the correct kind of therapeutic help has been something that I just can't shake. I know any kind of allegation would be unfounded but the thought that they can remove my kids even temporarily and what it would do to them is too much for me to process.

Am I just wandering in PTSD land or is there any validity to these feelings? How do you guys feel about it?

In the meantime, I will leave you with this joke between me and Poufy. Recently, Poufy has had some set backs in the lying and stealing department. When she does that and I ask her why she's done it she gives me this look that's sort of like a deer caught in the headlights look...similar to this picture here:

This is not the look but close enough. lol

I realize that she's afraid and that it's her PTSD, so I was trying to lighten things up. 

Now, I knew she reminded me of someone, but up until two days ago, I couldn't quite put my finger on it and then...yes, yes, yes...this is it!  You see the resemblance?

I called her in and at first she was nervous but when I showed her this picture her shoulders relaxed and she covered her mouth and laughed and laughed.  I told her, this is what I see on the other side, so now you know where I am coming from when I start to giggle...because God knows sometimes I just start laughing so hard and I feel bad about it because I know she's scared...but...I'm hoping next time around all I'll have to say is "BARF!" and it will break the tension and change the pattern...

Moving Forward and so proud...

So, things are looking up in the health department. I have my days but they are NOTHING like what they used to be. Every morning I find my arms, hands, fingers less stiff. In fact, I think the only stiffness I have now is in my middle knuckles in my fingers and I am able to make that go away by running warm water on my hands and usually within an hour from waking. Not too bad.

I am worried I might have over did it today, but what a great day it was.

In our effort to move on, I've decided the girls need some bonding time and a space to call their own. Before my mom moved in, the boy had his own room, the oldest and CDQ shared a room and Poufy and SS shared a room. When my mom moved in, I moved the boy in with Poufy and SS because I knew he would be safe in there. Little did I know I should have moved all but CDQ into that room since CDQ had a plan to strangle the oldest in her sleep!

After CDQ moved out I moved SS in with the oldest so that they could bond as the older sisters, but then that left Poufy with her bratty brother. So then I got this brilliant idea that I should just move all the girls in together and set it up all girly with their input. This is a pretty big room, vaulted ceilings, walk in closet, not sure that I am going to let them use the closet though...too much temptation. Anyhow, they've picked a color and we started in earnest researching colors and beds, bedding, etc...

I bought another steam cleaner and we set to work scrubbing up reluctant pee stains on the carpet and filling in all the dry wall damage with spackling. It was interesting to talk about the damage and the things they had done in their RAD rages as we worked. They were a little sad and embarrassed and couldn't believe they actually did those things. They still don't know why. But I tried to focus as much as I could on how well they are doing now and how they will never go back there again and how great their room is going to be and how they are going to keep it all purrteee. Yes, even the boy was helping on this and they will help when we redo his room.

This is about 1/4th of the room, the part you don't see is where their petal cottage is in the middle with toys and their bunk beds are at the end of the room. 

Here are the cute paw prints with some patching. 

This particular room was hand-painted in the Blue's Clues design when we bought this house. I was a little uneasy painting over the little paws and stuff because I felt bad since someone had taken the time to painstakingly paint them across the entire room but it didn't last very long.







Then I started wondering why in the world they would paint so much, the trim is SO dark and so are the two doors they painted purplish pink.

Yep, they even painted the doors. 

The kids were pretty quick workers and had the first coat on in no time. Of course, right now they are all gung ho about it because they've never painted before.

 

Lots of primer...lots of primer. Since I only had two rollers, the oldest and SS helped today. I showed SS how to remove baseboards and the oldest how to tape down painter's plastic.


Tomorrow, I will buy a couple of more rollers and we will officially get this party started. lol!

I'll update our progress and we will see how much the girl's will be willing to help when the tables are turned and we start to work on the boys room.


But until then, I can't leave without documenting this spectacular moment between SS and myself. You see, after they applied the first coat they came outside with everyone else to watch the fireworks and afterwards, I came in to see their great job and saw that the naps were still on and hadn't dried. I had told SS she needed to wash them but before I could explain how Poufy and the boy were bombarding me with questions about where they were going to sleep, etc...

So picture this:

SS: *carrying the nap and it dripping the whole way from the bathroom to her bedroom and then holding it over the painters plastic and turning it so all the water that collected inside the nap could pour out*

Me: SS!! It's leaking everywhere. Don't just stand there with it!

SS: * looks me in the face* "SHIT! "

Me: Um, what did you say?

SS: Nothing, nothing, nothing. *tucking her face close to her chest and giggling and turning red.*

Me: Really? Because it was sure crystal clear to me you said "shit", I mean you looked right at me. *Me giggling while I say it*

SS: *still giggling*

Me: "Hey I got one, if you say that word again I will beat the shit out of you."  *More giggling and then she dashes back to the bathroom with the roller*

Don't worry, it was a joke. May be inappropriate but she is 12 and MY mom probably WOULD have beat me if I ever said anything like that back in the day.  I don't beat/spank/hit my kids, there was no real threat to it at all. They know that and I would NEVER do it if I knew that they didn't know that or would take me seriously. The rest of my kids were rolling on the floor. The reality is they have been cussing since they were toddlers, they've actually been cussing longer than I have! It doesn't excuse it, but I want them to at least control it, you know?

But, really the look on her face when she realized who she *clearly* said it to was like "oh, double shit!" Priceless- wish I would have had the camera then.

I could tell you what happened earlier too. I asked SS if she could bring me something and as she got up from the floor, she farted... which sent the oldest into hysterics--something about a tension fart, I'm not really sure... So later when it was just SS and I in the room, she told me that the oldest had told her the color they had picked for the room was relaxing. I told her if she relaxed anymore she would probably crap her pants. hehehe...

It's one of the perks of being a parent and getting to joke with your kids as they get older. Or even joke with your RAD kids at all. I remember when they perceived everything as picking on them. I am so grateful that has passed. We laugh more now and that is what is important.

Validation vs. Reflection

I 've been thinking a lot about validation. I hate it. I don't want my children looking to other people to validate them. Unfortunately, CDQ looks to everyone to validate her and also unfortunately, that is what her therapist does, validate her I mean... 

I am fully aware that CDQs self esteem and confidence is non existent.  I've been working on my kids confidence issues. Some of them are slowly budding and others, like the boy, don't believe me when I tell him he's awesome. 

CDQ has come to me and told me that she loves herself, her lips, etc... I told her that was great and that was not the answer she wanted. I could see on her face that she wanted me to parrot back to her what she had just said. I wouldn't do it. I told her if that is how she felt, that is all that matters and God made her just the way she is on purpose. It tears me apart because I don't want to hurt her but I want HER to KNOW  about herself and not to look to others. Does that make sense? 

An awful family cycle we have has to do with the women seeking validation from men and the men verbally and physically abusing them and tearing them down. It has stopped with me. But now I need it to stop with them.  I can even see the boy getting into a relationship where a woman mistreats him. 

I was upset with the therapist because I explained to her that CDQ was upset with me because I told her she couldn't wear her purple dress anymore.  You see, like 4 months ago or so, the therapist (AT) told her she looked so pretty in it.  Since then she has tried to wear it every single time to therapy.  I had already pointed this out to AT.  So, once again, I thought I would point it out. 

This is what I got...

AT: So she's mad at you?

ME: Yes. 

Silence. 

AT: Well, the way I see it, you can let her wear it until it is so tight it is uncomfortable and she won't wear it anymore (me- thinking it's already at that point-- we can see her nipples it's so tight) or she can be mad at you. 

Ok, I was thinking not nice things...like "sure, I can be the bitch and you can be her savior." 

I just stared at the AT. 

She told me that she also commented (that day) on a bracelet CDQ was wearing and she told her the bracelet was valuable. Just like CDQ was. The AT told me that I should tell her things like that too. 

Um... *sigh* I just want to scream NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm not sure what she was talking about but my daughter was wearing a plastic beaded bracelet that she had made in therapy that might be worth a dollar or so. That's my daughter's value? But more importantly- WHY THE HELL ARE YOU OBJECTIFYING MY DAUGHTER AND TEACHING HER TO DO IT TO HERSELF?!?

I had to stop typing to wring my hands just now.  I know I lean on the side of feminists but I do not think I am going overboard with this. What she is trying to accomplish and what she is actually doing are two different things. 

I don't drop her at this point because CDQ is attached to her. This should not have happened.  But CDQ cannot take another loss.  She's way too fragile.  I'm just working extra hard on my end to undo the wrong things that come up and hopefully as CDQ gets stronger, we can pull away from the AT. 

One thing that has inspired me is Donetta's post.  In her post she talks about creating a list of 100 things that you love about those you love to remind you of what is special about them. 

More specifically she says: "What matters most is how we see our self. So it is new eyes that the kids need to look into the reflection of who they are. I must be a mirror for them."

The first thought that came to mind was the type of mother I was to them before I got sick. I showed them I cared by doing for them. I slipped little notes in their backpacks or wrote on random pages in their spiral notebooks telling them they were special or smart or that I was thankful for them or something they had done.  I'd even leave little notecards with Hershey's kisses taped to them on their beds waiting for them when they came home from school.  All that stopped when I got sick.  I had even forgotten about it. 

I was being a mirror for them without even knowing it  and it just stopped. That must have hurt them so much.  Made them think it was about them when it was about me. I was broken into shards and reflecting myself to them. 

I'm going to change that. I am going to start surprising them again.  I'm going to be a mirror and show them how to find the best parts of them from within themselves WITHOUT teaching them to go to someone (anyone) for validation. 

We want our kids to know that we love them. But isn't that what we are all trying to do in some way or another- teach our kids to love and know themselves unconditionally?

Letting go...

First, there was a flare-up. Followed by a wicked sinus infection (and no insurance), followed by a flare-up overlapped by flo.

Thankfully the flare-up is gone, unfortunately the sitting around in pain thing made me so stir-crazy I got up at the butt crack of dawn this morning, watched the sun rise over the mountains and into the clouds and then fixed the gate, weeded and trimmed the rose bushes (whoa, those babies are taller than me!) and did some cross stitch after I finished reading a book.

PPLLLLLLLLLLEASE don't let me have another flare-up?!?

I know I over did it, but I've been out of commission for a week! I couldn't even take CDQ to therapy my mom had to.  Yesterday I couldn't even lift my left arm.

I hate this so much, I hate not being able to do what I used to and I'm not even old enough to really be feeling this way.

Right now, I want to empty out the closets and start loading up the shed we bought so I can continue to declutter my house. Because believe it or not, I am *still* doing The Big Clean of 2010 (Little did I know it was going to take the whole damn year! lol).  I want to finish organizing my sewing room so I can get down to some serious crafting, I want to clean out my laundry room, kitchen, etc...

All the things I used to put off I want done now (of course). Typically I do a big clean- dusting, carpet steaming, THE WORKS and put out my yummy smelling autumn stuff...but this year is probably going to be the same as last year, I didn't get a chance to do it all.

I hope not, I am trying to stay positive about the whole thing. Trying to see this past week as a mini (pain-filled) vacation.

So with that said, I know I can't control any of this and I am giving it to God.  I am going to do some laundry and some baking and I am going to get Hubbins up and take care of some errands in town today and I ask God to please help me to do these things as painlessly as possible given the circumstances.  And I want to thank Him for the great summer we were able to have this year.

Amen :-)

Happy Monday everyone! Have of a good week.

Just wondering...

Does anyone live in Massachusetts or know anything about the Springfield area?

Thanks :-)

Didn't mean to worry anyone.

Hubbins is still alive and well. If Hubbins were sick or dying, I would post it here. I wouldn't blame God for that, but I'd probably blame myself first if I could even function. I know it may seem morbid, but because of the way I have reacted to the past loss of my best friend, I really worry what's going to become of me when I do lose my Hubbins.  If I will be able to bear it. So I work on training my mind for when it does happen. When he does leave me. I don't even know if it would make a difference, me working on accepting it's inevitable...not him leaving. *blush* 

Second, the kids are all still here being themselves. I don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to a disruption. I  keep thinking that if I , as family, want to strangle them sometimes...how will strangers deal with them and what will happen if they are killed by a person who was supposed to love them? I know they were all physically and mentally abused while they were in the foster system for the short time they were there. I know *I* won't kill them. lol  Sooooo, this is it, no matter how much I kick and scream about it. 

What I'm having a hard time expressing is my split with God. Forever and ever I was the person who believed no matter what. My faith in God was unbreakable. Even when the church turned me away, I never blamed him and I always believed there were reasons. Through all my abuse, through all my pain, I bore it for God after all, he sent his only son for me.  

But then I got to the point where if I could trade places with Jesus I surely would because at least I knew the pain would stop sometime and I heard he had a happy childhood with friends and family and all the things I can never expect to have. 

I was ok with the fact my childhood was gone and never existed. Hell, I was even ok with making it through my teen years and all that crap I dealt with. I gave my 20s to making sure my family was taken care of...but my 30s ...life was going to begin at 3o. I would have a family. A real one.  

But then this happened and I started to feel resentful but still clung to the fact that I would maybe have some of my 40's left and can move on in my 50s. But now Rheumatoid Arthritis? A condition that will probably land me in my own personal wheelchair by the time I hit my mid 40s.  I just can't any more.  The camel's back is broken.  

My life has turned into one big episode of "Are you kidding me?" I wanted to be a success. I don't mean monetarily either.  I wanted to find happiness. Something that seems to elude my family. I can't even see that far because for all I know in an hour my arm won't function or I won't be able to walk and I will still have to figure out a way to make it all work and get Hubbins in bed by a decent hour. I will have to wonder if the fact that my arm could not be lifted without me seeing white hot pain may have caused Hubbins sore to regress because of the time it took me to transfer him or even to get him in the sling to transfer him. 

I worry that this disease will progress faster than it already seems to have. I worry that I will end up in a chair and have to depend on others to take care of Hubbins and I see the way the kids disregard Hubbins because they have the attitude "What can he do about it?"

So here I sit, sometimes in excruciating pain and I don't see a solution. I can't even see having a family of my own.  Kids who hate me aren't a family. And now, on top of money and procedures and who's going to help, etc... etc... I see the door for parenthood and our own family slamming shut in our faces. If only I were infertile, it wouldn't be such a blow. I could accept that. 

So I am angry because I don't think I am asking for too much. What I am asking for isn't only for myself. It would change the lives of 6 other people as well. I've done everything without question and I have lived my life the "right" way. I can't imagine my cussing would warrant the life I have led and my cussing only began 4 years ago. Seriously people, that is the extent of my badness. I'm not exaggerating either. I haven't really "lived" a day of my life.  I've rarely ever asked for anything and this one thing...can't be? 

Since I asked for this one thing... I have gotten progressively worse. Since my bitterness and anger has escalated. I faltered here and there with my arguments with God but I hadn't lost my faith. Until that day. 

It's not to be compared to a child who didn't get their way or someone who made a bad choice and now must suck it up and deal with it.  

I am so sick and tired of people hiding behind God for everything or even blaming God for everything. But then I realized I am just as bad because I've been waiting for God to meet me halfway. I would never do that with anyone else so why should He be the exception? I never did that before. I don't know when things changed. 

I only have myself to count on. It's just me in this world. The End. I've known that forever and yet I waited. 

I don't know if my relationship with God will ever be repaired.  I guess it's between Him and I and time will tell. 

But for now, I am standing on my own again.  I will fall and as usual I will get myself up and dust myself off and put my foot forward.  I won't wax poetic about God thinking I'm strong enough for all this or anything like that. But this song...this song, as weird as it may seem makes me think of my journey with God these last 5 years.  It has explicit lyrics... so send the kiddos on their way...

Changing things up around here...

Starting to make some changes. Today is the first day of Summer. The oldest is off of school and we are free. Hoping to have a lot more blogging time to finally get some things out there.