Sweet Relief

As I sat there with needles in me and my pain subsided...all I could think is: "This feels like quiet".  Everything that was raging in me was calm.

I knew before he came back things were bad. I knew something had switched in me. New symptoms.  I wasn't surprised when I got a new herb formula.  Which made my thoughts about having shared the name of my current herb formula on here worthless.

The reason why some herbs work for some and others don't is because of our body constitution. Although we may have the same manifestation of symptoms, there are different causes for them and those are what need to be treated.

Today I start a different herb. I also thought the last herb was working so well and I started to feel if I just had the herb I could get by. But I now know it's not true. The unity of herbs and acupuncture is definitely a necessity. You can't have one without the other and believe it will still work. It won't. I found out the painful way.

What I'm currently working on?

Putting me first.

If last week wasn't a huge glaring example of how important it is or what value I need to place on myself...then I don't know what I'm going to need to make me realize that putting myself first isn't a want but a need.

Seriously...

I've been staying away from the blog because I have nothing good to say...actually I do but the bad keeps wanting to come out.

So, you can skip this one because I am going to whine and rant a little bit.

You see, not only was I allergic to the vicodin but I was also allergic to the antibiotics I was given...seriously.

Easter morning I woke up with that familiar stiffness and pain in my hands and feet...seriously.

I cried because DAMMIT I am so over being in pain. OVER.IT.

I still have stiffness.

This after having three fabulous pain-free (as far as joints go) days that I had to spend in bed because of my teeth pain.  I tried to do some yard work or something because my mobility was excellent but I kept getting yelled at by Hubbins to LIE DOWN.

I'm back to every.single.day acupuncture. Needles EVERYDAY! WHEE! not.

I missed Monday because I thought I was dying. Short of breath, knotted stomach, nausea,stiff joints and oh yeah, my mom mentioned Sunday my eyes were turning YELLOW.  Thank you, Clindamycin. Did I mention this antibiotic was a precaution and I didn't even have an infection?

Back to acupuncture, I love my doctor to bits but I was angry that I actually got a lecture for not showing on Monday.

Me.

Who's only missed one other appointment besides this past Monday in almost a year! I dragged my drugged up butt to acupuncture the day my teeth were pulled!

He even questioned if I would show up today.

I'm sorry but W.T.H!

I'm so sick of people telling me to take care of myself. What they really mean is take care of yourself*. The * is silent and I should just know that it's there hanging in the air and that it means that I am to take care of myself if it doesn't inconvenience anyone else.

The irony in it all is that CDQ's therapist is the only one and I do mean only one, family included, who really means for me to take care of myself first...no guilt involved.  Of course, I still feel guilty but at least with him, I know I'm safe from getting it thrown back in my face.

Oh yeah and my blood is black. BLACK.  It's stagnant and I need to work it out of my body some how. It's supposed to be what's causing my pain and acupuncture is supposed to be working on that black blood.   To get a picture of my pain level and desperation I actually asked my acupuncturist about blood letting (lancing parts of the body and letting blood drain out) which I stumbled upon when researching stagnant blood. He told me that I was not a case for blood letting (maybe I might have offended him a lil too) and I wanted to cry.

What's that you ask?

Crazy?

Why yes, I am crazy.

So you see, this is why I am staying away from my blog... *sigh*

Understanding...

How to explain this... I am so grateful for the support from Corey, Ashley and Chandra. Corey's comment was the reminder I needed and the catalyst for further thought. 

A couple of weeks ago I was reading a trauma mama's blog. She disrupted many years ago but it's clear the disruption still has it's effect on her to this day. I wrote this long comment that I thought was best for me to just e-mail to her but then I had a small flare up and never got around to sending it. 

I mulled over it that night and with the new found knowledge of having read bits and pieces from the Orlando trauma mama's blogs, I realized that: 

1.) I am not alone completely. 

2.) Maybe the whole stigma with disruption/dissolution is changing since I first started blogging (This iteration of my blog isn't the first one.) ?

Let's face it too...it is so easy to fall into the stinkin' thinkin' of I am alllllll allllllone. 

But as I wrote that post, I said I didn't expect anyone to understand...but it was the unwritten I didn't expect people to understand. 

In fact, I am terrified that people still won't understand it. I've told my mother and my husband and I am about to tell you. 

But first, my mom GETS IT.  I had called her on the way back from the therapist when he first told me of CDQ's accusations and I was still in a state of shock. I mean I really don't know how to handle this. 

When I drove up my mom met me outside and she actually hugged me and she was crying and mumbling something about staying strong. 

All this time, she has been that voice. We ALL know that voice. "You're just too soft on her.", "You just need to tell her to snap out of it.", "you just don't want to try.", "Why don't you just give them all away.", "If you can get rid of one, then who's next.", etc...

Those words hurt so bad. I am not a quitter and my mother knew this. But she still rolled her eyes and said hurtful things to me when I tried to explain things to her. She didn't want to hear it. 

But now, these accusations and her full understanding of the possible danger my kids, and my husband are in because of lies. Plain and simple, anybody that knows me knows that this is not true. I have worked with children for many years off and on and now all that is at stake too?

Anyhow. I tried explaining to my mom that I felt that CDQ was a lot like her mother but smarter. She told me that it sounded to her that it was my problem with their mother and not CDQ. I've never held anything my sister has done against my kids. Never resented them because of my sister and I've even explained to them when they were trying to make me pay for what my sister did that I never tried to "collect" anything off of them. My problem was with their bio mom and never them.  In fact, I am guilty of being too soft on them because of who their mother is.  I feel like they were cheated. 

My mom tried to make it sound like I was making CDQ the fall guy and that just isn't true. These accusations made her open her eyes that there is indeed something terribly wrong with CDQ.  In fact, I've come to understand that possibly a lot of my hostility in my writing and my posts may be indirectly fielding off the verbal "blows" of my mother. 

Compound that with the last therapist telling me "Oh, *I* wouldn't have done that..." or "those are your issues", etc...

I came to a realization that CDQ has been able to get to me because she has learned from the best. There was only one time where she triggered me and I KNEW it was my issue and I reacted in a way I wasn't proud of.  I'm grateful that I never went to extremes on my own- but I've never cussed *at* any of my kids until that day. I told CDQ- "FU get out of my room." ( I know people have said and done much worse but I feel so guilty about that incident and she doesn't even seem to remember it! I'm freaking out that I'm actually putting it on the blog!) As soon as she finally did decide to leave after continuing her assault on me. I was able to sit there and ask myself "where in the world did that come from?" and I realized it was a direct reaction from hearing her words come from my step-father before. 

You see, I've realized that I am essentially raising the product of the person who molested and possibly raped me.  Even though she is his grandchild, he hurt her too and it's HIS ways that she is using to abuse other people. With the help of her bio mom, she's been able to take it to a higher level for her age. 

Maybe I should feel sorry for her. Maybe I should be more understanding of her. But this time it is my hang up, this is why I feel this insane need to protect my family.  I mean I would feel that way any way but I think in this case my body is reacting to it's memories that I have stored away and that is why I can't gain the control because I don't know. I can't remember. I just get these flashbacks that leave me guessing if I even give them that time. 

I've processed quite a bit of stuff in acupuncture that I didn't even realize was something that was still an issue for me or that it ever was an issue. 

The very first thing I processed was the death of my best friend. I said I was going to write a post about it and I will in my next post. 

But what I didn't expect people to understand, was that I don't see CDQ as my step father, but I do see her as a skillful abuser now.  Parts that she consciously chooses to use against people. It's easy to say she's just a child, but my step father was a child too and if we start going down that road... it still boils down to personal choices and CDQ does know right from wrong. 

I think it's important that I say that I don't hold a grudge against either of them. Do I want to speak or see either of them...no.  I don't feel like it's a safe situation and I am certain it would be the mind#$%^ olympics if they had their chance to try to convince me how stupid and wrong I am. Because it's what they do, that's how they groom you to break you down...this circular logic that makes no sense and it's sole purpose is to make you feel inadequate and worthless. 

But it's truth. I have a feeling my children would understand it but I don't want to stir things up with them, as it is CDQ is accusing me of turning them all against her. 

But, this is the thing I feel so alone in.  I keep trying to think of ways that I am wrong about this, but maybe I just need to let it be what it is and just go from there...

Tuina

Before that happened last night I was actually working on two separate posts. One about the amazing mom's I've discovered on the 'net recently (I've been under a rock or something) and the other about my physical therapy session on Monday.

I've decided to just redo the physical therapy one since the other has links and I'm not done with it.

Just to clarify, my kids did not witness what my mother did to me last night or what I said to her. Thankfully, they were already in bed and this happened in my bedroom.  Lord knows I don't want to add to their trauma or make them feel unsafe in their own home.

It's the way she is that my kids are learning first hand about.  My mom does treat me like dirt, I thought that was changing a little but I guess not. My kids have noticed how cold and mean she is to me and how she's hugs and kisses to my sisters and her other grandchildren or how she drops everything and goes running to send them money or whatever.  They can do no wrong.  I wish this was in my head but it's not. Even my grandmother knows it and has known it forever.

The irony is that is the way it was with my mother and her half siblings. It still is that way. This has been a great lesson for the oldest. She can see the cycle just like I can and I have great hope that it will never happen again.

I was talking to my acupuncturist (Dr.) and telling him that there was something wrong with my mom. He thinks some of it might be related to the car accident. I have thought about what my mom did and I think it's her fear. I'm getting better.  I've never needed her and she still needs me. She has no place to live, no car and no job. She needs me and if I get better??? Instead of just talking to me and finding out that I understand these things, she does that...just like my kids.

I'm not making excuses for her. But she needs to grow up. I realize she left everything behind to help us. I totally understand that, but there are limits and she crossed them. She's been so unstable. One minute, she's buying me things that I can buy for myself and the next she's competing with me.

Anyhow, just tossing some thoughts out. I've been trying to figure my mom out for quite some time.

I looked over my last post and I'm upset about the cussing. Since I've had less pain, I was doing so much better in that department. :(

So, moving on,  Monday came and holy moly.

First I did an hour or so of acupuncture and then I got up on the table where the Dr. worked my muscles and cracked me back into place. I had three places in my back where I was out of whack and it turned out both my shoulder blades were out.

I think the pain is interesting because it is in layers. When one layer is removed and relieved the next one surfaces and reveals itself.

Monday night was killer. Every part of me was sore. My hands were so swollen and tight and they still were the next day, but that has almost completely passed. An interesting side benefit is that I didn't realize that I wasn't able to take true deep breaths. Now I can take deep breaths and that helped through the pain.

Tuesday, he decided to do a more aggressive treatment using longer needles. That had seemed to do the trick. I was feeling great yesterday just some stiffness but no real pain. All the things that had been in the 8-10 pain range were in the 3-5 if that. The fatigue is still there but I think that's just a matter of building up my endurance again. There's the fatigue that a nap can fix and then there is the one where even breathing is tiresome.

I think there is still an area in my lower back that needs work and there is a spot on my lower shoulder blades on each side that still has pain when touched. Well, I shouldn't say still, that pain surfaced after the treatment. He thinks I may have a pinched nerve in my right shoulder.

I cracked him up when I told him the story of how I hammered my own head with a post driver. Boy did that hurt! I couldn't afford to have a proper fence put in so I put my own up. I wanted my kids to feel safe because they felt that their parents were going to come and get them. I'll tell you, the hammer on the head was worth it because their bio mom did show up here and that locked fence is what kept her from getting close to my house.

A post driver weighs 15-20 lbs. I am 5 ft tall and I was putting a 6 foot tall fence up. The post driver is actually a cylinder with two handles and you place the hole over the post and lift up and down pulling down hard and fast to slam the pole into the ground. Somehow, the driver came off the post and came down full force on my head. Come to think of it, I think that there is the day the cussing started to flow freely.  That was 3 years ago. After that I had trouble moving my shoulder and my neck was stiff. I couldn't turn my head. But having no insurance, I just sucked it up and life went on...

Anyhow, the funny part was the Doc couldn't understand who did it to me and when I told him it was ME, he was shaking his head and cracking up. He wasn't happy that I hadn't done anything about it though.

I'm just thrilled because when I took a shower yesterday my hands did not go numb like they normally do. I was able to put my hair up without having to rest. The same with brushing my teeth. Normally, I have to stop in the middle and let my arms hang because the pain starts to build up and my arms start shaking if I try to force it.

I'm really glad that I decided to attack this full force. I just want to be better already, I want to move on.

Acupuncture is like a nap in Heaven

So, in my last two sessions we have just been doing some maintenance, because up until Friday's session, I was only sore...not real pain.

In my last two sessions I have been able to doze off. With a few funny parts.

See, I do my sessions in a recliner instead of the massage table now.  I sleep in a recliner at home, which frankly may have to change soon since my sinus infection is clearing up and I'm now uncomfortable sleeping sitting up the way I used to.

The time before last, I had my first stress needle. The stress needle is put in the middle of the forehead. Because my days were flipped, I also had two needles sticking out of the side of my neck on each side (think Frankenstein).  I was a little tense to say the least.

He had put an ionic heater on pointing to my feet because my feet were cold and I had needles in them. Then he turns out the light and leaves for about an hour.

The funny part is I thought I had reclined all the way back in the chair before we started and here I am for the most part of 40 minutes stiff and not moving because I actually don't know why. I guess because being the nerd that I am, when he told me the heater was ionic and left me to my own devices, I started to wonder if he was talking about positive and negative ions and then I started thinking about ionic bonds and then covalent bonds came to mind and I was wondering if I was making this stuff up since I couldn't really remember what the hell they were....yes, it is crazy being me, in my head. lol

So I tell myself to lighten up and relax. Since I have the needles in, I start to do it bit by bit just in case, I release my feet, my legs, etc and I get to the top part of me and take a deep breath.  I'm thinking...this is awesome and then the recliner back decides to recline back to the full position! Ouch! But it was soooo funny it didn't bother me that much. I had to call him in to readjust the needle on the leg that flew up in automatic response to the back falling. But he knew EXACTLY where and what I was talking about when I told him what happened.

Then yesterday. I had to have the stress needle and the Frankenstein pins put in again in addition to some others, let's just say my mind makes it worse cause the actual physical thing is nothing. I mean I forget they are even there for the most part.  He turned on the little heater... I must stop and express my LUV for this heater.  It's like someone is gently blowing warm air towards your feet, like little whispers and then it shifts to feeling like a touch less massage that is going through your feet which I adore because I don't like people touching me.  It's so relaxing.

For me, since I wasn't thinking about bonds or something, this last time it relaxed my feet, then my legs, and I could feel this shift in my hips where they just relaxed and melted into the recliner and I can't tell you what happens next. Because next was me realizing that my neck had hit my shoulder and this inner voice telling me to wake up because there is a needle in my neck! lol I didn't hit the needle but that voice was going to make sure I didn't so then I sat there wide-eyed for about 2 minutes before he came in. I think I got  to doze for about 40 minutes at least. Sessions last an hour and takes about 10 minutes to get set up. It wasn't that long before my body relaxed.

But yep, it was like a nap on the clouds in Heaven, of course there probably aren't any needles involved up there ;-)

Human Pincushion

The room is dark save for the gentle light cascading in the shape of a seashell against the ceiling.  The sound of running water and birds cawing are emitting from the speaker on the wall.  It is the perfect picture of serenity.

I am laying on a massage table with a heating pad that runs the length of the table beneath me. I have my head gently resting on a pillow and a blanket which was placed carefully over me.

Sounds good doesn't it?

Except in my mind, in my crazy mind... I am screaming, in the beginning, I am totally irrational.   I keep telling my mind to just shut up for crying out loud (or in this case, in my head).

You see, I have needles all over my arms and the tops of my hands and these needles are all touching nerves and any little tweak, tweaks my nerves. Does it hurt...psh, uh...no.  In fact, all my places that hurt to begin with didn't hurt anymore.

I was laying there uncomfortable but totally pain free.  I made my mind shut up and relax and concentrate on the fact that I am feeling NO PAIN.

Life is good, but then I have to sneeze. I'll be honest. I totally said "shit" out loud. Three times I felt like I had to sneeze and three times I kept it at bay. Whoo.  I can't imagine what sort of fun that would have been because see the blanket was resting gently on top of the needles and I was most definitely not going to move an inch.

So let's rewind to how I ended up becoming a human pincushion.  Saturday, I took my kids to get their flu shot. I ended up getting mine too. I also showered before I left and got Hubbins into his chair. The kids appointment was at 10:45 and mornings are the worst for me.  So this was huge. By the time I got home, I was starting to feel it.  My mother had been bugging me to go to this crafters market because I actually want to open my own store and sell some of my crafts online and at these craft fair types of things.    Anyhow, my mom ended up getting mad at me because I told her I wasn't going at the last minute. Literally, jacket on- purse in hand.  Just could.not.do.it.  After she left, I cried because I'm tired of people being mad at me and not understanding, I am tired of being tired and I am tired of the pain.

So, I guess you can say my mom interrupted my pity party when she called to say she had just seen this acupuncturist who fixed her arm (she has bone loss in her arm and it's torn some) in seconds using pressure points.  She had told him about me and he said he could probably help. Well, to cut to the chase , my mom came and got me, took me there, he did some pressure point work on me and I still had a tiny bit of pain in my arm (the pain that was making me cry) but I could turn my head. It had been MONTHS since I had been able to turn my head without turning my upper torso.

So I made an appointment for Monday.

I hate needles. He asked where the pain was and I told him and he just picked up my hand and stuck in the first needle. I felt a pressure, but not pain and suddenly the pain I was talking about was gone.  As embarrassing as this is. I was like a kid in a candy store.  The more he poked the needles in the less pain I had.  The night before, I had taken an ibuprofen because my pain was at a level 12 at least.  At the risk of tmi, but in the interest of those coming to this blog for this info, I was in the middle of a flare up and flo was visiting. I don't know about anyone else but flo makes my pain waaaaaay worse.  I avoid drugs until I just can't take it anymore. So I still had the ibuprofen in my system so my usual spots weren't bugging me but that didn't stop me from having him poke for those spots either.

It wasn't until the lights went out and I was laying there with nothing to do but think of the needles in me and this*. LOL!  It felt like forever and a day. But it was more like an hour and 15 minutes. Half way through, I got my appetite back. I didn't even know that was missing.   I have NEVER been SO hungry in my entire life.

Of course, after the woman checked on me to see if I was okay, my right nostril blocked off and made it difficult for me to breathe. It appears that the RA pain was totally masking a raging sinus infection. Finally when it was over, I told him about the blocked nostril and he put a needle in my head and moved it around until the blockage cleared.

Here's where ugly comes in. That was yesterday. As soon as I left there and drove through Carl's Jr and scarfed down a meal. I was freezing like an ice pop.  By the time I came home, my head was on fire and my body was still cold. I took my temp and I had a fever over 100 degrees.  I had this annoying tickling burning sensation in my sinuses. I did fall asleep and the fever did break.  I've been dealing with the sinus infection all last night and all day.  My pain did flip. I guess I should mention that I have symmetrical pain... I flare on one side and then sometimes it flips to the other.

BUT, the pain that flipped is totally bearable. In fact if I didn't have this annoying sinus thing I would be feeling incredibly awesome.

When I came home and laid down in my recliner, Scrawn decided to plop herself down on me and do her usual head butt to my knuckles.  It didn't hurt! But the shock came when I went to rub her head. Her fur was so soft. I had forgotten how soft it was and I had never noticed when I stopped feeling that.  Even when I felt my face, I didn't realize how soft my skin was.  I'll admit it, I teared up...but in my defense, flo is still visiting. lol!

All in all, I would say it is totally worth it.  I'm not on any drugs and I don't ever want to be.   I have a list  (knuckles, elbows, flipped pain) for tomorrow.  I think I had the reaction I did because the needles allowed the release of my sinus infection.  My mom went and saw him today and she did not have any where near the same reaction.  I'm sure the doc will either have some kind of herb or antibiotic for me tomorrow.

I'm so happy and so scared at the same time.  I don't want this to be a fluke.  I look down at my hands and I see how the swelling is nearly gone and my fingers are almost as slender as they were, but I also see how deformed my knuckles are. The bump that juts out at the side and the width that won't allow me to wear my rings anymore.

I know I have to let it go and I know I have to trust that God does not want this pain for me.  He has a plan for me and I just need to not lose sight of that again.

* Warning, the video is graphic, if you are squeamish or have nightmares easily- don't watch.  Unfortunately, this is the way RA makes me feel except there is no relief in the end.