Tomorrow will come...

I decided to do it.

I'm tired of living in limbo or denial...

I am in pain, I do have inflammation and there are deformities in my hands.

I don't know what I am going to do with the answer.

I'm supposed to know by tomorrow.

Saturday I had my blood drawn.

Arthritis Panel, Thyroid Panel and CMP.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

Worried something flags abnormal...worried every thing is normal. Worried there will still be no definitive answer...worried there will be an answer I can't afford.

I just desperately want and need an answer.  I want to be me again.

Sometimes I think I should just be grateful that I am walking again and that I can get up and move, but other times I just can't keep a positive focus.

Days like today, when all I wanted in the world was to have a Happy Mother's Day with the children who love me and my family around me.

But I was dealing with Flo pain and my teeth are still shifting which has led to jaw pain and a clicking in my jaw sometimes. When I swallow it feels like I am swallowing a small rubber ball.  Plus, that damn flare up... All I could do was lie in bed until I took ibuprofen which made me sleepy.

I hate the days that I can't do routine. My fingers are swollen so I can't put on shoes, a bra, pants or shirts with buttons.  Today was a day I couldn't even lift my shirt over my head. I couldn't pull my pants down to go to the bathroom.  So then I have to be careful about what I eat or drink to limit the trips to the bathroom It's such a mind$#%^.

But I'm trying to keep the faith. Hoping for some kind of deficiency or something that has an easy enough fix. (Isn't that what we all hope for?)

So until tomorrow...

Ouch!

I swear I am not a hypochondriac and I have to admit I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Maybe I shouldn't be forcing myself to type but I need to vent somewhere...

I have pain, every time I swallow I get a clicking sound and sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't. The randomness has caused me to clench my jaw which has made it worse. Because now I have shooting pain up to the back of my ear and down along my arm to my wrist.  I'm able to move my arm a little because I just stood in the shower under scalding hot water for 20 minutes and I've layered myself with tees and sweaters to try to keep the heat in.

I keep trying to relax but if I let my jaw or arm slack too much it's instant pain.

I don't mean to sound like a shit but I honestly don't know how much more of this pain I can take. Did  I mention that already?

Especially since I have pretty good days. I saw a chiropractor on Monday and I was feeling so much better. Diagnosis- my spine is a "wreck", I have trauma areas in my neck, lower back and apparently my @$$ as I was told those cheeks shouldn't be so tight (I thought they were relaxed. lol) ...maybe that was TMI- in which case I apologize :-)   I could NOT believe the amount of cracking that went on.... and even after the adjustment my bones kept cracking.  Most notably was SOMEONE who finally listened to me about my hand pain. I know my acupuncturist was hesitant and I think he was afraid to hurt me. But all the fingers I had been complaining about popped just like I felt they needed to and my wrists were CRAZY cracking. I can't tell you how much it hurt but felt soooooooo good at the same time. The stiffness in my fingers had actually decreased.

Let's put it this way, Tuina was like a massage compared to the chiropractor. I thought I had got thrashed in Tuina but the chiro adjustment, it happened all so fast it was like the scene from Madagascar where the Granny with the coke bottle glasses beats the hell out of the lion with her purse and the lion doesn't even know what happened to him.

It's been one thing right after another and yes I understand it took one thing right after another for me to get to the state I am in. I'm sure if I search my blog I would come across the post which I spoke about the cause of this injury.

The boy... a tantrum, and a therapist who told me to remove him from the room even if I had to carry him out. Big mistake.

The thing I keep holding on to is that the chiropractor does not think I have RA. Let me say that again....DOES NOT think I have RA... He said I do have arthritic properties or some such thing which is similar to what my acupuncturist said, so for now, I will continue to pray and hold on to the thread that two professionals do NOT think I have RA. *phew*

Seriously...

I've been staying away from the blog because I have nothing good to say...actually I do but the bad keeps wanting to come out.

So, you can skip this one because I am going to whine and rant a little bit.

You see, not only was I allergic to the vicodin but I was also allergic to the antibiotics I was given...seriously.

Easter morning I woke up with that familiar stiffness and pain in my hands and feet...seriously.

I cried because DAMMIT I am so over being in pain. OVER.IT.

I still have stiffness.

This after having three fabulous pain-free (as far as joints go) days that I had to spend in bed because of my teeth pain.  I tried to do some yard work or something because my mobility was excellent but I kept getting yelled at by Hubbins to LIE DOWN.

I'm back to every.single.day acupuncture. Needles EVERYDAY! WHEE! not.

I missed Monday because I thought I was dying. Short of breath, knotted stomach, nausea,stiff joints and oh yeah, my mom mentioned Sunday my eyes were turning YELLOW.  Thank you, Clindamycin. Did I mention this antibiotic was a precaution and I didn't even have an infection?

Back to acupuncture, I love my doctor to bits but I was angry that I actually got a lecture for not showing on Monday.

Me.

Who's only missed one other appointment besides this past Monday in almost a year! I dragged my drugged up butt to acupuncture the day my teeth were pulled!

He even questioned if I would show up today.

I'm sorry but W.T.H!

I'm so sick of people telling me to take care of myself. What they really mean is take care of yourself*. The * is silent and I should just know that it's there hanging in the air and that it means that I am to take care of myself if it doesn't inconvenience anyone else.

The irony in it all is that CDQ's therapist is the only one and I do mean only one, family included, who really means for me to take care of myself first...no guilt involved.  Of course, I still feel guilty but at least with him, I know I'm safe from getting it thrown back in my face.

Oh yeah and my blood is black. BLACK.  It's stagnant and I need to work it out of my body some how. It's supposed to be what's causing my pain and acupuncture is supposed to be working on that black blood.   To get a picture of my pain level and desperation I actually asked my acupuncturist about blood letting (lancing parts of the body and letting blood drain out) which I stumbled upon when researching stagnant blood. He told me that I was not a case for blood letting (maybe I might have offended him a lil too) and I wanted to cry.

What's that you ask?

Crazy?

Why yes, I am crazy.

So you see, this is why I am staying away from my blog... *sigh*

*crickets chirping*

I hate the sound of crickets chirping.  Hate. it!

Sorry I've been away so long. I turned 35 at the end of last month and I was gifted with a heavy dose of depression. I think it may have been a total breakdown. I'm still having crying jags that are setting me off because I am not a crier. I hate crying. I used to only cry when I was mad or frustrated.

Things I have to blog about...

CDQ's lack of progress...
My doctor telling me that I am causing my own pain...

Hey it's all in my head. I'm so f'in magical I can turn my own fingers and deform my own knuckles. Isn't that a bitchin' super power to have?

Honestly, I don't know what my doctor's strategy is but I'm all for NOT having RA. Even though I have all the signs of RA, there's the one thing about my symmetrical pain that makes him think it's not RA.

I've asked God for a miracle. Please don't let me have RA. So I guess I should shorten my bitching and moaning, huh?

Maybe God's just helping me out?  In which case, let's just count this post as the one about my doctor telling me I cause my own pain...mmm'kay?

I do have to thank a reader for her comment on one of my RA posts. Chanele-- I was in a puddle of tears and angry and feeling like I was in denial about the RA (ironically this was before I saw my doctor) and needing to snap out of it the moment your comment came through. I hope you come back and see this. I appreciate your comment and your encouraging words of support. They mean more than you will ever know.

Hope all is well with everyone :-)

Arthritis Remission Revisited

A while back I wrote a post about my RA remission. Since then I have figured out that it is different for everyone. 

So I thought I would update you on what it means for me. I take no meds save a motrin when I'm having intolerable cramps during my period. (sorry if it's TMI). So I've taken motrin a grand total of 3 times in the last few months.  What I do for my RA is acupuncture. I know some people may have a problem with this for themselves but this is my choice and it is actually working. Along with acupuncture, there are herbs that I take. Let me just say yu-ck.  But whatever you know.  In truth, I don't exactly take them as I should and maybe my progress would be better if I did. 

Hopefully, I am not jinxing myself by typing this up, but I have to say my doctor is amazing. He told me there were two stages to acupuncture. The one where your body is being retrained to heal itself and the other half where you body does retrain itself to heal itself. 

I actually felt the flip into stage 2. For me, it was scary because it felt like my body was compressing itself into itself. I won't lie. It was painful and it lasted about 2 weeks off and on. It was scary because I initially thought it was a new kind of flare. Ever since, my body has been healing itself and whatever still persists gets addressed in my acupuncture sessions. I've gone from 10+ pain to as little as 2 for the max. I have to say that the pain level of 2 came after HOURS of being out in below freezing weather trying to fix my frozen pipes. SO, if you have RA you know that is like a miracle. I was so terrified for the next few days and all I had was regular good old muscle soreness from not having used those muscles.  I guess I should back up and also say that I had to go under my house and crawl on frozen concrete in my jeans to the section of my home where the frozen pipes were located under the house. 

I will also admit that the crawling and crouching and balancing my body weight on my thighs in midair did indeed make me cry as I crawled out but I was good to go once I was able to stand upright and had a minute. 

So what does my body heals itself mean? 

All my shoes have been floating on my feet because I have no swelling. The pain on the bottom of my feet used to be so painful, I could hardly walk and had to stop every couple of steps. 

My hands... they are the most noticeable to me. Sure the deformities are still there but they feel so "normal" they look awful because they have so many wrinkles on them. I can't believe how wrinkly they are now that the swelling is gone and my wrists are back to being slim. 

My knees don't crack nearly as often as they used to. In fact I just straightened my knees out now and nothing happened. (It seems funny reading that.) 

I've noticed with my body it's symmetrical pain. One side will bug me and then it flips. But more recently it had become my lower and upper body and even lately it's just been my shoulders giving me issue. I think it's from all the driving I have to do now taking CDQ to day treatment center in another town. 

What happens is I start to feel the swelling and I stress a little about it but notice that it takes a couple of hours to go away and as of today it took about 20 minutes for the swelling in my right hand pointer finger knuckle to go away, this after about 2 hours of feeling it start to swell a tiny bit. 

It seems like my body seems to know when to call it. After all the chaos of this past weekend, I was feeling the soreness in my thighs and butt and my shoulders were acting like they were going to flare or at least go into frozen shoulder mode. I felt like I had to sit down, this sit down turned into a 4 hour nap, but at the end of the four hours I can tell you that my shoulder pain was completely gone and all the soreness I had in my butt and thighs was gone too. The swelling in my knuckle hadn't started yet. 

The other thing I need to say is because of the weather we had last week, I had to cancel my acupuncture appointment and haven't been to see him since last Monday. I was supposed to go in this week but am unable to go until Friday because I had to spend my health money on the pipes. 

So I am impressed with my body at this point.  I was going three times a week and had just been brought down to two times a week. I have never gone this far without a treatment. The fact that my body seemed to "shutdown for maintenance" on it's own really impresses me and I have also been feeling stronger physically. 

It really gives me hope. I used to be that do it all person that people hated. Then it all came crashing down (and delighted some people, I don't doubt) and I've lost such a sense of things and I've lost my perspective. I keep trying to keep sight of all of this but it's not an easy thing to do. If my health were to come back to me, I'm not that same person I was before... I'm not sure, but I guess it's all water under the bridge and only time will tell and all that other bull we tell ourselves. lol!

For now, I'm in a good place. 

This post is brought to you by the letters R and A.

Ugh. It's 5:30 am. I've been up since 2 am. I woke up because of the pain in my wrists, fingers and shins.  It was the first time in forever that I actually fell asleep before midnight, I could not keep myself up even to 10 pm.

So, yeah... I still think I am in remission.

Yeah, I'm in the middle of a flare-up.

BUT, I can still walk...so I call that remission ;-)

So what does a girl do when she can't sleep and the world is sleeping?  Cross- stitch while watching old episodes of Alfred Hitchcock on Netflix streaming.  Blog... throw in the last load of laundry...

I know, I know... I said my fingers hurt and my wrists hurt and oh boy do they... but I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know?  Maybe I am causing my own pain.

I read a lot about the "I cannot do this anymore"  in arthritis.  I am in no way bragging or saying suck it up or anything like that.  I worry when my time will come and I will have a list of "I absolutely cannot do this anymore."

I read some RA blogs by incredible women and I know when they say they can't, they really can't.  I guess why I am fixating on the "can'ts" is because so many people I encounter seem to think I am full of it because some days I absolutely can't and others I will work through the pain.

I can't seem to explain the pain and the day to day unknown of it all to people.

I mean, after all...I LOOK ok and I keep making myself do very painful things.

Maybe I'm stupid, Maybe I'm causing myself more problems in the long run... but I know that others will understand.  Those who walk in similar shoes will understand the denial, the loss, the humility that comes along with this. But I guess for me, it's mostly my feelings of failure.

The saying

"She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans."

keeps  reverberating through my head.

I'm just not ready to give up yet. I may say it every now and again when the pain becomes unbearable. But I'm just not done.

Rheumatoid Arthritis Remission

These are the pills I take everyday, Starting from left to right: The big round one is a chewable vitamin C, the orange one is turmeric and bromelain - this is an anti-inflammatory. I actually found that the bromelain is necessary for me. Straight turmeric just doesn't cut it. The long oval white one is pantothenic acid- this is also an anti-inflammatory and it's used for morning stiffness and aches. Next to it is zinc and the last is vitamin D3. When I first started taking these I stopped the ibuprofen full on. I read that even though doctors know that NSAIDs not only kill pain but muscles, it is still the highest prescribed drug for these types of things. 

I will tell you, when I started taking these pills, I was hardly able to stand. I was spending my days in my recliner and I most literally didn't even want to breathe for fear I would move a vein or muscle. It hurt just to be. It hurt in my sleep, it hurt when I woke up. I dreaded standing up and boy did I dread the toilet. Movement became like some awkward painful dance. 

So, I did some research and decided "what the hell!" I mean what could it hurt? I was desperate and I wasn't getting any better. My inflammation was so bad that I couldn't bend my fingers unless I used my other hand to do it.  I noticed the effects immediately. But I still was in an incredible amount of pain. I was trying to go cold turkey on the Motrin. But I couldn't so I just took one 200 mg tablets 2 out of the 3 hellish days.  I almost didn't think I was going to make it. I was also taking Cat's Claw for pain, but I can tell you that didn't help me much. 

The immediate effects I noticed was a huge decrease in inflammation in my ankles first, then my wrists where I had huge knot like bumps.  Then my left knee and lastly my right knee and fingers. The pantothenic acid was working in the mornings. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt but this was a different pain. 

I had muscle pain: shoulders, knees, ankles, arms. Oh and in my fingers, especially my thumbs of all things. I would not take anything for it, because I realized muscle pain is something I could deal with compared to inflammation and I figured the stuff I read about NSAIDs must've been true. 

Within the first week, I was up and around doing stuff. Of course, I over did it. But as long as I could keep the inflammation in check the pain was bearable. I was and still deal with the mind-numbing and mysterious (to me) fatigue. I almost want to call it a mental fatigue because everything feels fully drained out and empty, I even have trouble getting my body to breathe. I just feel so.tired.

I still have my days and mostly it's my own fault because I forget my pills.  I have trouble swallowing pills and I was drowning myself to get them down only to throw them up. I started spacing them out.  I take the turmeric and bromelain first because it's the one that I noticed I really need. 

I still have mini-flares. I don't even know whether to consider it a flare up because it seems so minor in comparison to where I have been.

This picture is from yesterday. You can see how ugly my knuckles are now and you can also see the swollen finger. Sure it hurts but nothing like before and again, it's my own fault because it was two days without pills because I had completely forgotten. I know, how can I forget something like that?

This is a side view where you can see my fingers are actually starting to go in different directions. I'm sure there is probably some kind of jargon for this crap. My hand is also strangely wider. I don't remember my pinky being so....so...separate. 

This last picture is a view from above. This is how my fingers lie "flat" now. I wish I would've taken a picture when it was clawed. It was almost lopsided-spider-like and very scary.  

Right now I am in "mild" pain. My feet have the same issue as my hand and both hands have slight swelling in one finger. But it is only painful to touch it and I can deal with that. Especially after all I accomplished yesterday. 

I did a lot of sorting and wiping down stuff for homeschool. At one point I was kneeling over the tub to wash some oversized plastic book holders. I knew I was going to pay for it, but I wasn't expecting the extra "ass-like" lump that formed later last night on my thigh near my butt.  The lump is still there but the pain is almost gone. 

So, I'm not pain free or symptom free but I can deal with this. At first, I thought "HEY! I solved this!" and that the RA was gone but then it hit me like a ton of bricks that it will never be gone and this is what people call remission. That was hard to swallow. Really hard. 

Just to get this out there. I am not being paid for any of this. I have never formally been diagnosed and I don't have medical insurance.  I'm not the only one to have RA in my family and my symptoms are right on. I suppose I could have myself diagnosed but I am terrified of the whole pre-existing condition thing having seen how Hubbin's has been treated because of his quadriplegia and I don't want to be on injectables or any of those other drugs that seem to only make people feel worse instead of better.  I've made up my mind about this thing. I have kids and Hubbins to take care of but some day I won't and if I am going to be all crooked and unable to do the things I want, I will just check out.  I'm a wuss like that. 

Let the big clean of 2010 commence!

Alright, I actually started the day I mentioned it in my previous post. But yesterday I had a huge flare up. I don't mean to sound like I am coming up with excuses, I'm just letting you know how stupid I am. ;-)

Why I didn't post it earlier? I left the camera usb plugged in to my computer yesterday not realizing until this morning when I sat down and the camera flashed to me battery low and died. My camera is the rechargeable battery kind, not the kind where you can just put in new ones. So off to the charger it went.

Oh, and looky here...I did it again. I just looked down and there's my camera plugged into the computer and turned on. Sheesh! and I complain about my kids. lol Ah crap...I just ejected it (I'm on a mac) but then I realized I hadn't transferred any pictures. Doh!

I'm alright, really...I am. Pictures are transferred now.

Before I show you my mess (can you say procrastinate much?). I wanted to show you some pics I took of a flare up. It's not the one I had yesterday because I couldn't even barely move. It hurt that bad.

Please excuse my ashy legs. They are also all scarred because I fell out of a moving car when I was younger. As you can see the leg on the left is swollen compared to the leg on the right. In that picture, both legs are actually swollen.

When they swell, they get a dent on the front. Like the one below.

As time goes by that dent gets bigger. It kind of feels like some one has all my veins and they are twisting them tighter and tighter and tighter. I should've put the remote up to the other pic but I think you can tell it's gotten bigger.

Then my wrists, they are another story, sometimes they swell like this one- evenly...

Or sometimes they swell and are bumpy like the one below.

Sucks. I took those pictures one right after the other. One hand was one way and the other was well the other way they were just at the same time.

Anyway, just wanted to share what it does to me.

On to the mess...

This was when you first walked in. It's almost all the Christmas stuff packed up.

This is the next wall. I don't know what this is, it was here when I came home.

This is the opposite corner. Look at my desk and that whole corner. ICK!
This is the rest of my desk and the other corner. This pile started Christmas Eve. Yep, I don't know what's in there either.

Here's some in the middle pics. That corner, after I removed all of the crap and rearranged a bookcase and the kids cottage. Keep in mind, I am not done yet. lol!

Here's my couch...can you spot what almost caused me not to post it. LOL! I tried to convince myself you couldn't and a fellow blogger also wrote about this very thing last week.

Here's that corner of crap that I had no idea what it was. I still don't...really. I do know that the box with the purple in it is a new giveaway box I've started and the baskets are clean clothes.

Oh and I cooked this yummy ham for dinner. Along with mashed potatoes and green beans.

I've done some more cleaning. I'll add those pics later. I'm hoping it will be the "Hey! Look it's done!" pics because I am seriously needing to move on to the kitchen, the pantry, the laundry room, my bedroom, etc...

Plus, I'm getting a little excited because I've had many projects in mind but with the dirty house I haven't been able to even start them.

This year I have plans for:

The Kitchen

The Living Room

The Laundry Room

The Master Bathroom

The Kids Bathroom

and a deck addition outside.

We will see what actually gets done. What about you, are you or have you recently done a Big Clean of your own? Do you have any big plans for your house this year? Tell me I'm not alone. :-)

PS. I forgot to mention ALL my laundry is done. Yup. All of it. Hate me. My ovens are self cleaning as I type these words too. I will do this. :-)

The worst one yet

So the Friday before last, I was not in a good place at all. Not even close. I was having what I thought was a bad RA flare up...but it only got worse and didn't leave until Thursday night. I f'in hate it.

I am in pain. Toes, ankles, hips, wrists, fingers, elbows and shoulders in total pain and just like that- Bam! It's gone. Like a freakin' switch was flipped off or something.

I don't have insurance. Why? Because when I tried to sign up at work they told me I didn't make enough money and referred me to the state and when I contacted the state I make $60 over so I don't qualify...so where does that leave me?

My middle fingers on both hands have started to turn and at one point during the week my finger between my pinky and my middle finger was nearly pointed inward towards my middle finger...this on both hands. I don't know how it works but that part is less noticeable right now.

I'm always tired and I feel sick. I have what I imagine hot flashes feel like. I feel like my head is on fire at times or like right now as I type...my hands are on fire.

It's a total mindf&%*...for lack of a better word that truly encompasses what I feel right now. All the things I have to do that require my hands, all the things I want to do and all the things I love to do. All require my hands.

I keep thinking about how excited I was to be getting away from my dead end job in a dead end town and how finally my life was mine and the world was opened to me. I can't quite see where I lost it all but it definitely feels like it was yanked away in the blink of an eye.

I've always been a fighter, but this time...I just don't want to fight anymore.

I don't see anything worth fighting for. It's all gone. There is nothing left.