This post is brought to you by the letters R and A.

Ugh. It's 5:30 am. I've been up since 2 am. I woke up because of the pain in my wrists, fingers and shins.  It was the first time in forever that I actually fell asleep before midnight, I could not keep myself up even to 10 pm.

So, yeah... I still think I am in remission.

Yeah, I'm in the middle of a flare-up.

BUT, I can still walk...so I call that remission ;-)

So what does a girl do when she can't sleep and the world is sleeping?  Cross- stitch while watching old episodes of Alfred Hitchcock on Netflix streaming.  Blog... throw in the last load of laundry...

I know, I know... I said my fingers hurt and my wrists hurt and oh boy do they... but I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know?  Maybe I am causing my own pain.

I read a lot about the "I cannot do this anymore"  in arthritis.  I am in no way bragging or saying suck it up or anything like that.  I worry when my time will come and I will have a list of "I absolutely cannot do this anymore."

I read some RA blogs by incredible women and I know when they say they can't, they really can't.  I guess why I am fixating on the "can'ts" is because so many people I encounter seem to think I am full of it because some days I absolutely can't and others I will work through the pain.

I can't seem to explain the pain and the day to day unknown of it all to people.

I mean, after all...I LOOK ok and I keep making myself do very painful things.

Maybe I'm stupid, Maybe I'm causing myself more problems in the long run... but I know that others will understand.  Those who walk in similar shoes will understand the denial, the loss, the humility that comes along with this. But I guess for me, it's mostly my feelings of failure.

The saying

"She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans."

keeps  reverberating through my head.

I'm just not ready to give up yet. I may say it every now and again when the pain becomes unbearable. But I'm just not done.