My first Reiki experience...

I had my first Reiki experience a week and a half ago.  I wasn't nervous or anything like that. I trust the person who was doing it. I just wasn't prepared for what happened.

I stretched out on her couch and she told me that I should have an intent. She said it could be to be pain- free or to release negativity. Stuff like that... since I had just come from acupuncture, I was feeling great. So I said why not do releasing negativity.

So after she found her center.  She started by lightly touching my face and moved down behind my head, heart, etc...This continues until she reaches my feet. That is how she explained it to me.

I started focusing on CDQ figuring that's where most of my negativity probably was at.  So I told myself to let go of the ways she's hurt me and the other kids and all the things from the past, etc... it sounded way better in my head. Then I thought it flowed so well I should try Hubbins.  I actually had no negativity for him but there were people who had abused him in his past who apparently I was still angry about because they floated into my mind and surprised me.  I started to think about how I didn't know that those people were still an after thought in my mind.

I wondered what else was lingering there when my mind like a door, literally just slammed shut and it was total darkness. I checked out right in the middle of the session. I came back to the room when I felt a vibration on my feet.  Literally minutes before she told me it was over.

The thing was, even though I checked out. I likened the experience to a ride at Disneyland. You know when you're floating in the boat and they show you a scene then you float through darkness and come upon another scene. That's what it was like, but I didn't see the scenes, I felt them.  So, I actually recalled the last "scene" I was given before my mind took me away.

The "scene" was the formal living room. I was 19 years old.  Somehow, my stepfather had me pinned to the floor. I don't know how I got there. I wasn't one to play the "wrestling game" so that means I must've been caught coming in the front door or something because I didn't hang out either.  Anyhow,  what I felt was me fighting, biting with all my might and scratching and digging my nails into him.  But it did no good. I know my sisters were in the other room and so were my nieces and nephew (previous set, not the one's I'm raising now.)  I was screaming HELP! between biting him.  Nothing...

I checked out at that point. I don't ever remember getting out of that situation.  Like how it ended, I've remembered it before. But I never thought about how it ended. When I left the office, I was a little devastated.

I don't know how it ended. But I do know that my sister T told me if something happened between me and her father, she would take her father's side no matter what.  At the time I was seriously hurt and scared because I didn't know what she was talking about.  I moved out the very next week.  That's when I left the other kids behind.  I was feeling devastated because now I was seeing T's comment in a different context.

What if I checked out and she saw something and thought I was actually participating in something?  What if that's what she was telling me? I know I had woken up on different occasions where he was sitting on the edge of my bed. Up until this session, I had thought I had woken up because he sat on my bed. Now I don't know.

I just don't know.

There's another part to this that I am just not ready to share yet.  I don't know if I'll ever be.