Ever have too much to write about?

I don't even know where to start anymore.  I will write again...I'm just in that place where I don't really know what the hell is going on and I write one thing and it turns out to be another, anyone else out there shaking your head in agreement?

I've also been in this weird funk.  Maybe it's the transitioning of CDQ to new therapy, maybe it's the new "symptoms" in my grandmother, or maybe it's my reflections on the last year and my entire life.  I know it's pointless to reflect on choices made since they can't be undone and hindsight and all that.

I'm trying to figure out how to change all this mess. To own it and make it mine, so to speak.  I seem to be constantly at a crossroads and instead of being as sure as I was in the past, I'm in this puppet mode trying to figure out what "professionals" think is right.  (Funny thing, the new professionals think that whatever *I* want to do is right. Imagine that? Too bad they weren't the first and only pros because now I feel so clueless I have to figure it out all over again. I think...)

I'm not just talking about my kids, in fact, I'm not even sure any of this is about them.

I struggle with my choices, these have been the hardest years of my life. With my birthday approaching next month and the new year approaching even sooner, I'm in this limbo. I have huge life changing decisions to make.  Decisions about where my life begins.  Decisions that if left unmade will leave me wondering "what if..." forever.  I'm also in that place where I am noticing that I am preparing for "the worst". I gotta make sure things are a certain way and as much of the work is done now.

For example, this year- Christmas decorations.  They have to all be packed a certain way and hooks and stuff must be on the ornaments, and well, it's hard to explain. I'm used to packing it all a certain way. But this time it may seem excessive, but I don't think my hands are going to be any better next year and living in denial about it isn't going to keep me from being depressed next year when it may be even harder than this year was to pull it all together.

Hubbins Grandfather passed on Christmas Day.  I don't know why *I* am having a hard time with it. I haven't said anything to Hubbins about it. I won't either. I guess- it's just... I didn't really talk to his Grandfather much- and Hubbins family situation isn't so great and I ended up being the scapegoat. But his Grandpa called my cell phone when he was returning (Hubbins had used the cell to call him)  phone calls a few days before, he just sounded so well and happy. He even called me Hon. I didn't think it was the end. I thought the call was about Hubbins brother who is still in the hospital.

There's just a lot weighing on my mind and no concrete answers or decisions.  I've been consulting with God but He may be a little put out with me because of my indecisiveness.  :-)  (Sorry, didn't want to leave everything so dreary.)

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Onward to the New Year....