Validation vs. Reflection

I 've been thinking a lot about validation. I hate it. I don't want my children looking to other people to validate them. Unfortunately, CDQ looks to everyone to validate her and also unfortunately, that is what her therapist does, validate her I mean... 

I am fully aware that CDQs self esteem and confidence is non existent.  I've been working on my kids confidence issues. Some of them are slowly budding and others, like the boy, don't believe me when I tell him he's awesome. 

CDQ has come to me and told me that she loves herself, her lips, etc... I told her that was great and that was not the answer she wanted. I could see on her face that she wanted me to parrot back to her what she had just said. I wouldn't do it. I told her if that is how she felt, that is all that matters and God made her just the way she is on purpose. It tears me apart because I don't want to hurt her but I want HER to KNOW  about herself and not to look to others. Does that make sense? 

An awful family cycle we have has to do with the women seeking validation from men and the men verbally and physically abusing them and tearing them down. It has stopped with me. But now I need it to stop with them.  I can even see the boy getting into a relationship where a woman mistreats him. 

I was upset with the therapist because I explained to her that CDQ was upset with me because I told her she couldn't wear her purple dress anymore.  You see, like 4 months ago or so, the therapist (AT) told her she looked so pretty in it.  Since then she has tried to wear it every single time to therapy.  I had already pointed this out to AT.  So, once again, I thought I would point it out. 

This is what I got...

AT: So she's mad at you?

ME: Yes. 

Silence. 

AT: Well, the way I see it, you can let her wear it until it is so tight it is uncomfortable and she won't wear it anymore (me- thinking it's already at that point-- we can see her nipples it's so tight) or she can be mad at you. 

Ok, I was thinking not nice things...like "sure, I can be the bitch and you can be her savior." 

I just stared at the AT. 

She told me that she also commented (that day) on a bracelet CDQ was wearing and she told her the bracelet was valuable. Just like CDQ was. The AT told me that I should tell her things like that too. 

Um... *sigh* I just want to scream NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm not sure what she was talking about but my daughter was wearing a plastic beaded bracelet that she had made in therapy that might be worth a dollar or so. That's my daughter's value? But more importantly- WHY THE HELL ARE YOU OBJECTIFYING MY DAUGHTER AND TEACHING HER TO DO IT TO HERSELF?!?

I had to stop typing to wring my hands just now.  I know I lean on the side of feminists but I do not think I am going overboard with this. What she is trying to accomplish and what she is actually doing are two different things. 

I don't drop her at this point because CDQ is attached to her. This should not have happened.  But CDQ cannot take another loss.  She's way too fragile.  I'm just working extra hard on my end to undo the wrong things that come up and hopefully as CDQ gets stronger, we can pull away from the AT. 

One thing that has inspired me is Donetta's post.  In her post she talks about creating a list of 100 things that you love about those you love to remind you of what is special about them. 

More specifically she says: "What matters most is how we see our self. So it is new eyes that the kids need to look into the reflection of who they are. I must be a mirror for them."

The first thought that came to mind was the type of mother I was to them before I got sick. I showed them I cared by doing for them. I slipped little notes in their backpacks or wrote on random pages in their spiral notebooks telling them they were special or smart or that I was thankful for them or something they had done.  I'd even leave little notecards with Hershey's kisses taped to them on their beds waiting for them when they came home from school.  All that stopped when I got sick.  I had even forgotten about it. 

I was being a mirror for them without even knowing it  and it just stopped. That must have hurt them so much.  Made them think it was about them when it was about me. I was broken into shards and reflecting myself to them. 

I'm going to change that. I am going to start surprising them again.  I'm going to be a mirror and show them how to find the best parts of them from within themselves WITHOUT teaching them to go to someone (anyone) for validation. 

We want our kids to know that we love them. But isn't that what we are all trying to do in some way or another- teach our kids to love and know themselves unconditionally?