Family- What it's not...

(FYI-I say bad words in this one...)

The topic of family is a definite trigger for me. Uncontrollable tears, tightness in my chest, burning in my cheeks.  Those are some of the physical manifestations. Inside I have to work on identifying what it all means because I feel like my mind is blowing things way out of proportion...maybe...

I really don't have family. In name sure, but true blue family...no. I glean most of what I know about families in the blogs I read.  I'm trying to make a family for my children. The oldest and I have several interesting conversations and epiphanies about family.

I've found myself saying more and more "maybe that's what families do" and then we both sit in contemplative silence.

This is my experience with family. Currently, my mother is mooching off of me. She is living it up and even though I have told her to leave, she won't.  Lovely, eh?  I made a huge mistake and I know if she were to read this she would be hurt and angry but, frankly, I am tired of protecting HER feelings.  I am tired of being the parent.

My grandmother, probably the closest thing to true family I have. She has dementia...she has good days far and in-between. Her children are assholes.  I'm thinking of getting a lawyer involved. My grandmother was in an abusive relationship for over 50 years. She found her way to me and made me her power of attorney for everything before she went downhill (and let me add, she is not totally mentally gone). Her husband robbed her accounts blind to support his gambling addiction. Her children called adult protective services (APS) and accused my mother of kidnapping my grandmother and of stealing her money. APS came and investigated and found a victim of domestic violence and wrote my grandmother a letter asking her to take out a restraining order against her husband and her eldest son. Her medical doctor told her to get a divorce. I didn't  move on it because they seemed to be leaving her alone and the stress exacerbates my grandmother's dementia. She starts to feel unsafe and says she sees men in my windows or at my doors.  I don't want her to be scared.

One of her daughters is being an asswipe. Her father keeps calling her and telling her he needs money. She wants my grandmother to go back home and give her father her money so he will leave her alone. That's all I can get from it. She doesn't want to reach into her pocket and give him money. She has called and threatened the youngest child, a boy who is 45 and has lived in my grandparents home caring for my grandmother for all his life. He is finally living and just married and has a family and this daughter, his sister is giving him guilt trips.

She's overlooking all the abuse and urging my grandmother to go back. My grandmother has flat out said no, but she doesn't stop. My mom asked her three times to stop because my grandmother has had nightmares and episodes. At first we didn't know what it was but my grandmother checks out when she speaks to this daughter or she immediately starts seeing strange men. I get the feeling she thinks my grandfather is going to show up. The other thing that happens is she'll start imagining a man who treats her right and loves her and takes her dancing, etc... all the things she didn't have.

Anyhow, there are three children who are fine and speak to my grandmother and are cautious about her condition and truly want the best for HER. Then there are three children who quiet frankly are abusive: one has already stolen money from her, the other only cares truly about himself as does the last one.

In my own life those three have mentally abused me as a child as well. They are really good at it.

I don't want to keep them away from their mother. But SHE is more important to me then they are and SHE chose ME, she came to ME. They don't know this.  They keep trying to get my mom in trouble thinking that is going to make a difference. I'm sick of the damn hinting around that her money is being used inappropriately. It's like that is all their mother is to them, a fucking bank account.

I'm thinking I need a lawyer or doctor or both involved who sets the boundaries of what they can talk about.  It's so ridiculous that they can't see beyond themselves and see what they are doing to their mother.

I always thought I would marry into family. You know, once I got married, I would finally have a family. I thought that was going to be good.  My husband's family seemed like a tight knit family and did lots of things together. It just turned out to be at my husband's expense.

But somewhere along the line, I got blamed for my husband's emancipation. Being totally disabled, he couldn't rock the boat because he had no where else to go. When I came along, I saw that he never stood up for himself. I encouraged it in him. Even against me.  He wasn't strong enough and I allowed him to use my strength in the beginning to stand up for himself. By this, I mean, his sister's confronted him and even though I thought I had no business being there, he asked me to stay for support and I did. So now I am everything that is evil. I took their brother from them. I control him and don't let them see or speak to him, etc...

I'm proud of my husband. He did some hard work and he let go of toxic people. He does it easier then I do. Where I waver, he is stronger and makes up his mind. He let go of friends that weren't really friends. People who had used him. One of those people contacted him last week. When I opened the letter for my husband there was handwriting on the opposite of a typed note. I saw my name.  The handwritten note was meant for me and it pissed me off.

The writer is not what pissed me off but the implications. He had spoken to the family and I guess they had shit to say. Primarily...I turned my husband....are you ready for this.... CATHOLIC. Holy hell, huh?  Forget drugs, forget brainwashing....really....Catholic, huh?

Those who have followed my blog for some time....are you chuckling? Because I have never pushed my religion on anyone and I have had so many run ins with the catholic church and God only knows how often I question everything and I have lost my faith these last couple of years. I have been the one to waver, while my husband,who had already been raised Catholic, made that decision totally on his own. My struggles with religion are all over this blog. But I guess they wouldn't know that since it's better to have someone to point the finger to.

I never did anything to these people. I saw an e-mail from his sister before imploring me to read something to him...what he can't read? Or starting an e-mail that says, we don't even know if you are still alive...the fuck? Really?

My husband is 45. He has full access to a phone and e-mail. Truth be told. I was the one asking if he had heard from his family, or if he had called his father.  I just recently, like last week when that letter came, decided that my husband is a big boy and I am going to stop trying to make things better between them. He obviously knows them better than I do and I should trust his judgement.

But really... I am the cause and the end all? W.T.F?

I sit and I think if I were just me all this bullshit aside, what problems do I have? Health? This life exacerbates it....but what about this life? I don't have any shit. Truly.   Hubbin's family...so not my problem, my grandmother's children...not my problem... My mother's bs...not my problem.  I'm good to go if all these people take their fucking drama and shove it?

I have been holding on to this anger and this bullshit for so long. That's part of why I am sick. These things can take a good day and bring me to my knees in seconds.

This is not family. Which brings me back to my original point. I keep telling my kids, this is not family. But I lack the skills to show them more. What true families are. So I tell them about the families I read about and I tell them to learn that this is not the way. I tell them to want something more.  I don't know if it will work. I've always wanted something more...

Sometimes I worry that showing them what other families do or how they are that they will feel helpless and cheated and might just give up. I feel like that when I am around my so called family.  I can't explain to them how they are already better. Yes, they have RAD and that makes the whole family thing really hard at times because of the vulnerability required but I try to emphasize the safety and the lack of judgement. This whole thing with CDQ has made it really hard to forge forward.

I thought the kids were worried about being removed from my home, but the oldest told me that it wasn't home they were worried about it was about being separated from me.  Wow.

She couldn't look at me when she said it and I had to look away.  This has been the longest they have ever been in one place. This is home.  That is incredible. When I think about it, no matter what all those other people project, us 6,  as broken as we all are we are family...the right kind of family.

Thank you for reading my vent. I really need to get all that crap out and that's only the half of it. Maybe I should do this more often. lol!

Bottom line, My husband and I and our children...we are the best family we know how to be. We might not get to those levels that other families are at but I'm hoping the things we have tried to instill in our children will stick and get the ball rolling in the right direction for future generations.

"The Only Safe Place"

A couple of nights ago, I almost became a puddle of tears in front of the oldest. I had to go to the bathroom because I didn't want the oldest to see.

We were in my bedroom and out of no where the oldest said that she only wants to see her bio mom to get the ashes of her little sister back if her bio mother hasn't lost them by then. I was surprised she was even thinking of her.

She told me that she's thought and thought about it and she wants to know if she gets B's ashes back if she (B's ashes) can stay here.  She said "It's the only safe place I can think of where we will all be coming back to. I mean, it might not be this house by then but, home- where ever it is, you know? I know she'll be safe with you guys."

$%^&, I'm about to cry now.

Those are two huge things. Two very ginormous things.

I told her of course she could leave B's ashes here.

OMGosh!, I don't think you even need to be a RAD mom to know just how huge this is. I don't know if the oldest discussed it with the other kids but they've definitely talked about coming back here for the holidays. At 15, the oldest has taken on a lot and is slowly breaking away from being the voice for all of them but she still speaks for them when it comes to important things.

Not to belittle the situation but I've always dreamed of having that "normal" family where the kids come home for the holidays (well, mostly before they start with their own families and stuff.) and just having that place that my kids know they can always come to and find comfort and good times.  I had wanted to create that with my mother and sisters but they didn't want it.

B's ashes.... such an honor and so huge, even if it never comes to pass. 

Still hanging in here

and adjusting...

My kids at home are doing awesome...CDQ- no change.

Just yesterday, I came to terms that I just can't do it all anymore when it comes to making the house run smoothly. I feel so guilty. I knew in the long run I wanted my kids to be self-sufficient and my youngest is going to be 10 this year so they aren't little but I wanted to be able to give them a real mom and a little more early childhood for a little longer. If that makes sense?

I hate standing around telling them what to do and how to do it because I feel lazy and guilty even though I know I can't do it all and it's nothing like their bio mom who didn't want to do it.  Yet, yesterday when I was teaching my kids how to do their laundry I realized that maybe I have babied them too much. Sure right now they are eager to learn but more importantly they are very capable of learning and doing these tasks. They have moved from that place where they were afraid to say or do anything. (Don't get me wrong, they still have some days like that but now they are showing signs of confidence.)

I'm afraid I'm the one who hasn't focused on their accomplishments.  I do reflect on the past and see how far and how hard they've worked to get where they are but there's still that part of me that wants to protect them as if they were still the children who needed to be taught how to sit at the table or how to do simple age appropriate every day things.

So I'm going to work on taking things for what they are and still marvel over the "little" things my kids accomplish but not limit them to what I believe their capabilities are. Instead of feeling guilt, I'm going to focus on how self-sufficient my kids will be, how smart they are and how much more they will know.
I will focus on the fact that in delegating I am actually able to spend more time with each child individually.
I will focus on the fact that my children have healed and love me enough to care and help make things easier for me. How many parents of non-RAD kids could even say that?

I am a very lucky (and grateful) person. :-)

And I thought RAD WAS the hard stuff....

Yesterday*, ah yesterday, it was a day where maybe for the first time I felt like a real Mom.

I mentioned in my last post that we were moving on and boy are we. At least as fast as I can considering my physical condition.

It's been a while since we shut down baby monitors in the house but Tuesday is when I finally shut down the video camera system in the house. It's all or nothing baby, all or nothing... we've waited too long for her to get better and as this post will show it hindered the growth of the other kids.

Let me preface this by saying that as much as it is going to sound like CDQ is a scapegoat, I will kill all that noise right now by saying she truly was the cause. My other kids are by no means saints. They still lie and steal but those weren't the reasons for the monitoring. The monitoring was in place for the safety of everyone.

After all, let me quote a recent conversation I had with CDQ:
CDQ: "I NEVER hurt them. NEVER!"
Me: "really?"
CDQ: (with conviction even) "I NEVER HURT THEM ON VIDEO!"


So, um, yeah.

I take responsibility for the things that happened and basically letting CDQ run the house. I have to, I am the adult. It sounds like a reluctance I know, but it's more confusion. What frustrates me is that I STILL don't know how it all happened. Everything seemed like it was such a little thing to concede for her to get better. But there was a high cost. The sting is lessened by the fact that the therapist told me that he had to have a talk with the RTC staff because they too were becoming confounded by her.

Boy can she play that sympathy card. By that I mean, she works someone...she brings out the weaknesses in you. She twists things so that she is always the victim. She's even brought up the suicide of a cousin who she really had no connection to at all, writes her letters and everything like they were BFFs. She has you share things because you end up thinking, hey, maybe if I tell her this happened to me, etc...she will see that things turn out ok or that I can sympathize with whatever she's talking about.  Then when she's got you in deep, she starts the mind games. She starts throwing those daggers of truth you shared with her right at you. Everybody remarks on how they forget she's just a child and how mature she is for her age.

With all that said and hopefully out of the way... I will tell you that things are evening out with the boy. All of his behaviors were and can be attributed to his past traumas which have come flooding and thrashing out of him. We were on the fence when it came to the levels of abuse he might have suffered because he was the only boy and one of the youngest but it turns out it made no difference. He was not spared.

The change in him since he let those truths and feelings out...WOW~!  He's very energetic, talkative, willing to help, inquisitive...just....a different boy. Most of the time he is happy and when he's not he comes to ME! He won't look me in the eye but he tells me he is having a hard time and he's sad and he tells me why if he knows why and then....get ready for this...

He rushes to me and throws his arms around me and hugs me tightly and cries. It happens several times a week... and that is so not a complaint.

His heart is healing and he's learning to express himself and that he is safe! He's already come in here several times during the writing of this post to share with me ANY LITTLE THING. LOL! He's so happy and carefree for the most part now.

Yesterday was a great family day. The kids studied the Dire Wolf in homeschool and they made a yummy dinner with Hubbins and helped clean up and clear out stuff.  There was no yelling and no fighting and no rages and no behaviors...except...and I wouldn't even call this RAD at all...

Poufy....she has a strong personality and isn't afraid to be bossy and tell people how to do things. In fact, she has a take charge mentality.  The boy, he's just coming out of his shell.

Last night, they were helping clean up after dinner while I was trying to rest up so I could transfer Hubbins to bed.  In comes the boy...he starts to tell me that he was going to get the plastic wrap and that he decided he needed to shift the step stool to get to it properly and that Poufy reached up to try and get it and the plastic wrap ended up falling and hitting him on the head.  Then he told me, she laughed and said his egghead was so hard it would never break. Then came the flood of tears and he crumpled up and said "that hurt my feelings."

I will admit, my jaw probably hit the floor and I stared a little bit longer than I should've but he vocalized his feelings and acknowledged them and well, it wasn't a tantrum or a rage. He was raw and hurting. I asked him if he had let Poufy know that he felt that way and he shook his head that he hadn't then I told him he needed to let people know when they hurt his feelings so they would know they had done it. I was pretty sure Poufy hadn't meant to hurt his feelings. I also told him I could have a talk with Poufy but I thought it was better if he told her when things happened how he felt. Basically I told him he needed to start standing up for himself or it would keep happening.

So, he straightened back up and made his way out of here. I went behind him to have that talk with Poufy and came back to my room,  a couple of minutes later Poufy comes in standing by the door (she's the only child left who hasn't broken down and talked about her abuse) stiff as a board.

If I thought I stared to long at the boy.... she started in with how he's always trying to get her in trouble, blah, blah blah... but then I looked at her and told her he was in fact not trying to get her in trouble but was sad because she had hurt his feelings. I explained to her that he felt that she didn't care if she hurt his feelings or not. Because he had basically said he hadn't told Poufy how he felt because she doesn't care.

Well, Poufy's neck was rocking all over the place and her head was bobbling around and her arms were crossed in front of her chest and suddenly her face crumbled.  "But I DO care!" Snot dripped from her nose and she cried "I do care but he thinks I don't care about ANYTHING."

I was stunned, honestly, I didn't think she cared either. lol Not in a bad way, just in the sibling way you know...like I said, she's bossy and you know bossy people they tend to focus. :-)

These were real tears and sadness, none of that fake stuff.

I asked her if she ever told him that she cares and she shook her head no. I told her maybe she could tell him. Like if she wanted him to shut up or leave her alone, may be she could say "Hey, I need some quiet time right now, so can you tell me later?" I told her or maybe she could show it by letting him do some of the stuff some time, ya know, like "Hey, why don't you get the plastic wrap this time?"

It's such basic stuff but we've never been able to get to it. With the failure to thrive when they first arrived and then the full on meltdowns and behaviors, they've never been in a place to really hear what I am saying.

It all felt so....normal.

But then my stomach fell. I started to wonder, maybe I was wrong all that time when I thought if we could just get past the RAD then the hard work will be done...what if now, when my kids are all puddles of vulnerability and they are waiting and willing for my guidance to shape and mold them, what if now is when the real hard work begins?

So, I've been re evaluating, all those things I wanted to instill in my children before I ever had children and all those revisions after these kids came along and then the further revisions because of RAD. I've got a lot of thinking to do and I have to admit...I'm excited!


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* This post was actually written March 24th. No editing has been done to it save for some quotation marks, the asterisk and this update.

The other side...

I've started this post as well, but this time I'm going to finish this one...lol!

I definitely have things to say about my last post and this incredible epiphany I had...

But for now...the flip side. Why we keep holding on...why what we do makes a difference even when it seems like we are complete failures.

 Last weekend we had a BBQ. It was a beautiful day.  There was a slight breeze and the kids had been dying to plant our "garden". We have been wanting to do this for years but because of safety reasons we never could.

 As I stood out there delegating jobs to kids, it donned on me when they were getting down to the job at hand that it was peaceful.  There wasn't a child verbally insulting another child. There wasn't a child inside raging. There was this:

Let me hold that while you cut it.

and this:

Do you think we should put this here next to this?

I think we need a bigger hole in the bag, but I'll help pull it out. 

Even an opportunity to teach about feelings.

It feels soft to me or I feel picky sticks in it. It's wet to me. Really? It feels dry to me.
The lesson: Everybody's experiences are different.

Then came the picking of the plants. 

See the smiles and the focus. Not a single fight or argument. 

I loved how they helped each other. I loved that while I took these pics, Hubbins was describing to them what they needed to do. 

Meanwhile, my grandmother even got in on the action. When I was younger I remember she always wanted an umbrella and table out in the front yard and she always wanted to have a garden but my grandfather wouldn't let her.  That day she sat out under our umbrella  between the picnic table and the grill and she watched the kids plant. They had decided the strawberries needed a place of their own and Nana was more than happy to help them out with it.  Another want of hers accomplished. I am so proud she got the chance, even if it's one plant in a pot...

We are healing...my kids transitioned much more easily then I did. I've had to learn that if I don't watch carefully and focus on the now, they might just leave me behind. 

These days we are dealing with typical sibling behaviors.  In fact, I know I have a draft all about an incident prior to this one that just melted my heart.  I will post that later. (Really, I will, lol.)

The Great Gummy Bear Scuffle

So, both my mom and my grandmother's blood sugar has been dropping pretty rapidly, or at least it seems. They both seem to be craving sweets more too.

I thought it would be a good idea to take my grandmother to Sunflower Market so she could walk off her breakfast and do some shopping. I was already going there, so why not?

Holy moly people, I was speechless and I will tell you why.  I was looking for sweets they could both have.  My grandmother picked sugar free popsicles and my mom picked sugar free gummy bears.  I told my grandmother she could have a popsicle in the car on the way home because it was also a hot day.

So my mom gets my grandmother her popsicle while I am loading the groceries and my grandmother's walker in the car. My mom also takes out her gummy bears (which I've found out are bad for them).  I didn't realize my mom had given my grandmother her popsicle already until I went to shut her door. There was like a bite left. Grrreat!!!

Now imagine this if you will. My grandma finishes her popsicle at the same time my mom asks me to open her gummies. I open them for her and pass them up ( we went in my mom's car and they were in the front and I was in the back.)  She takes two and my grandmother asks her for some. My mom tells her no because she just had her dessert. Meanwhile, we are still sitting in the parked car in the parking lot and I am putting on my seatbelt.

Next thing I know, my mom tells my grandmother she can't have anymore. Apparently, she held it out for her to take some and my grandma thought she was going to take the tub. So my mom starts to pull it away and my grandma grabs a fistful. My mom grabs the lid and tries to put it on while my grandmother yells at her she can have some if she wants and she will....

Um...WTF? This scuffle took like 30 seconds but it felt surreal.

I'm just sitting in the backseat speechless until I found my senses and told them to give me the frickin' gummy bears and neither one of them can have them. I get the container passed back to me and put the lid on.

My mom is grumbling that it's not fair because those were hers and my grandmother already had her dessert and my grandmother is munching on the gummies she took laughing.

Let's just say they didn't talk to each other the whole way home or for a couple of hours later.

Ahhhh, silence *chuckle*

I felt like telling them "I can't take you two anywhere!"  or  "If you two can't behave you can't go to the store anymore with me." or "See if I buy you guys anything ever again!" You know all those good parent sayings  :-)

Spending this time with them has made me see just how much alike they are. I suspect that's why they have clashed so many times over the years.

Pure craziness, I'm not sure it's all diabetes related. lol!

All the difference...

We have our ups and downs. We stumble and fall, but some how through it all we are there to help each other up despite the hardships...To me, this picture says it all.

Small update

I know I've been remiss in updating my blog (what else is new) and I've just changed my blog doohickey to the new blogger editor....looks like there is some interesting new toys up there. I haven't been feeling so great but The Big Clean of 2010 is still going and I've had my first true throw down with the oldest.  Stupid, stupid girl. I'm not one to go for the "teenager" excuse. As my mom will tell you, I never did any of those stupid things and boys weren't even an issue in my life. Getting the hell outta Dodge and becoming something was my priority...yet look where I sit? The very place I never wanted to be. Don't get me wrong. It's not a pity party I'm throwing, it's more that I am still stunned by the whole thing almost 4 years later. I sometimes go over it and try to figure out where exactly I went wrong.  

I have to admit, I feel somewhat like they do. I thought things were getting better around here and perhaps they were and that's why the girl lost her shit...she was losing ground and control around here so she panicked (that's for another post). But children or not, we were all put into a situation we didn't ask for around here. I've found myself often feeling the way she does about the situation. But I'm just supposed to ignore that and take the abuse too? I don't think so.   I wouldn't take half the crap I've put up with from a bio child. I really need to get past the whole  "my sister's kids" thing... but even then the kids would be extremely shocked to learn what kind of mother to my own children I would be.  Probably not what they would expect (but that too is for another post). 

We are stuck together whether we like it or not.  

Learning a lot about my kids...

I changed out the keyboard on this thing because I wanted to make sure I document it all. I'll probably get my computer back tomorrow, but I don't want to forget.

First, I want to mention something that blew my mind. The oldest keeps talking about when she has kids... you know, she's not going to do this or that...blah, blah, blah... what she said that opened my eyes,

I will be the grandmother of her children.

I never assumed that the kids would think that or even choose me. I've had it in my mind that they will leave and never look back the second they turn 18.

Which leads me to tonight's conversation. I talked to my mother and my sister tonight. I haven't talked to my sister in over a year. Her choice. I don't know why.

She wanted to know what my mom was saying about her. Which honestly, not much or really anything at all. I decided I should reverse the question and ask her if she knew if my mom had said anything to the kids birth mother.

She said she had.I was sooo disappointed and in disbelief. When I asked her if she knew what, she said that the kids bio mother had called her to rant and told her "your mother actually thought she was going to call me and cuss me out." Meaning, our mother, the kids grandmother, called her and cussed her out. Apparently, she (the kid's grandmother) told their bio mother that she hated her and how the kids are scared and basically how they reacted to her (their grandmother). Then their bio mom went on to complain that, that was all she would tell her about her kids and how it wasn't right.

I don't know whether to believe it or not. It would be just like their bio mom to try and find someone to sympathize with her. If my mom had said more, I don't think their bio mom would have called my sister.

I shared with my sister how I am so worried that the kids bio mom would ruin them when they get older. I'm worried she would use them and turn the tables on them to make them feel guilty.

At dinner, CDQ mentioned how she was trying really hard not to mess up Thanksgiving. What that translates to: "I don't want to sabotage myself and ruin the fun." So they all started talking about our Thanksgiving traditions. Grateful turkeys, Macy's Parade, dog show, Charlie Brown, FOOD! They are pretty excited now.

I brought up the subject of Grandma. I wanted to make sure I addressed their fears and I told them so. When they came out, I could see from their faces they were scared that day. CDQ had denied it. But this time when I brought it up, she admitted she was scared and she didn't know it.

I told them that I thought a lot of the time they "ruined" things was because they were scared and they didn't know it. I told them I wanted them to think about what they were scared about or how they felt and see if they could say why. So next time they would be able to tell how they were feeling and take care of it before it got too big.

This was so interesting, but the convo was to get a lot more interesting.

Most of them were scared of being taken away (all except the oldest), some of the fear was from the memories flooding back, the memories of not being safe, the memories of being hurt. Talking like this also revealed that they were having nightmares again.

I decided I was going to use this opportunity to give them a voice. To start to pave the way to make sure they weren't afraid to stick up for themselves, even to Grandmas and Bio moms.

I told them that they should write a letter to their Grandma to tell her how they felt and to give her examples of how she could keep them safe. After all, CDQ brought up that she didn't feel her Grandmother kept her safe.

I also told them about how you teach people to treat you the way you want to be treated. That was a hard concept, but I think it finally made sense in the end.

They discussed amongst themselves how their grandmother could keep them safe:

Not give out the address or phone number.
Not bring them here.
Not talk about them to anyone so they won't want to know more about them and maybe come looking for them.
Not tell what they look like so their mom won't know when they get older.

There were A LOT of suggestions. But I realized that some where along the line I missed it. They don't want anything to do with their bio mother or father. I guess a long time ago my mom had put it in my head that the kids would go back with their mother once they turned 18 and I just took it for granted they would.

After tonight, I realized that for most of them, I have shifted from Aunt to Mom. I made the mistake of asking SS to clarify if she was talking about her grandmother or her mom and she corrected me. She said her bio mother's name instead of Mom. It was like a slap in the face telling me to wake up already. I heard it! I apologized to her.

Somewhere...after all of this... we HAVE become a family and it's scary and amazing all at the same time.

PS. Remember how my kids were all figety the night they knew my mom was here? Right now they are sleeping like logs. I was worried the dinner conversation would have triggered bad dreams but when they came to hug me good night, I made sure to reassure them that they were safe and I asked them if they knew that. The night is still young but it seems like that little sentence may have made the difference.

I am so proud of my kids.

First off, I am still exhausted. I only got 6 hours of sleep in the 48 hours my mother was here and then soon after she left Hubbins spasms got worse all over again. *sigh* So, if this post is confusing or doesn't make sense, I am totally blaming it on lack of sleep. lol

Hubbins. We were able to get him to his primary doctors appointment. She ordered an ultrasound on his bladder and his prostate. Then she told us she was leaving the state. *sniff, sniff*

I almost cried. Seriously. She's a damn good doctor. She's Greek from the Bronx and about as real as it gets. No sugar coating, no if's, ands, or buts-- just straight. I heart people who are straight shooters. I double heart doctors who are.

I did manage to wish her luck in her new life... but damn. Hubbins good doctors are now ALL officially gone. His rehab PA, his urologist, and now this. I know I am forgetting the other doctors right now. But I am just. so. sad.

We were able to get him in to the ultrasound the next day and despite all the hell it took to get there the ultrasound itself went awesome. They took like 5 or 6 pics of his bladder and then like three times that amount of his prostate. Hmmm.... I guess we have to wait until December 1st when he sees the urologist.

I am trying to get him a new one but guess what! There are no urologists in this state that take his insurance. YAY! Actually that was another situation where I almost cried. The home health nurse was trying to help us find a new urologist and her lady at the office called back to tell us that there were none in the state. I told the home health nurse, "No, there are all of these urologists in the state, just none for Hubbins."

He's still having spasms most of the night. Last night was the mildest until they started full force around 6 am this morning. I don't know how we are both hanging in there. This sucks.

On to the kids, my mom came in at 3:30 Tuesday morning. She fell asleep around 4 am. I fell asleep around 6 am. I had briefly talked to her about the kids. She slept in until around 10 or so. This also coincides with the time the kids finish up breakfast and their morning routine.

Except for the oldest, the others hadn't seen her at all. I hadn't told them anything either. I realized this was going to be a shock to their systems but I thought it was kinder than telling them in advance and letting them worry and be scared.

I called them all out at the same time and I watched their faces as they registered that their grandmother was in our living room.

Fear. Except for the oldest. I told my mom they were afraid. She was surprised they didn't rush to hug her.

I told them it was ok. I told them that she had nothing to do with their mom and that no one else would be coming. I told them that she didn't have the address and that I had told her over the phone how to come. I also told them we still had no numbers on the house.

For the first time, my mom saw what I was trying to tell her. She held back the tears, as my kids didn't really respond. She asked them for hugs and they gave quick side hugs. SS focused on a framed poster I have on the wall that says "Families are forever." She had tears welling in her eyes. The boy just gaped. Poufy sat on the floor facing me, staring at me. CDQ wasn't sure whether to be elated or scared. So she was fidgety with fake smiles.

I told my kids it was ok to express how they were feeling and they should tell her. The boy quickly blurted out that he has bad dreams that they (BOTH his parents) are going to come and take him away. He started crying. SS started crying. I told them to come to me where they clung to me crying. My mom started crying then. I held my crying kids and told them all that no one was going to take them anywhere and they were my kids now forever. I also told them no one was going to hurt them anymore because I wasn't going to let anyone hurt them. I also told them that if my mom messed up she wouldn't be coming back here again either. This all said right in front of her.

SS and the boy stopped crying and clung to me tightly! (attachment milestone, I know of all the things to think of.) I know how it must've appeared to my mom. Us against her. Maybe it shouldn't be that way. But that's the way I want it. I want them to have their guard up with her as well.

I told them I had their work for the day set up and it would be just like when the babysitter was here. Which is basically everyone is safe in their rooms with alarms on the door and no one can go in or out. They always eat first, potty and take their water bottles with them. I give them workbook work and a book or two that I know they want to read. They are to write book reports if they finish as well. I also tell them that if they finish early they will have to just stare at the wall. Don't worry. They never finish early. I give them enough work for days. I just tell them that so they won't try to rush through it all and do sloppy work. It works! I mean who wants to stare at a wall. lol

Right before I left I caught my mom following CDQ into the room. She closed the door and I opened it right up. She was trying to lecture CDQ about giving me a hard time. I laughed. CDQ's eyes were glazed over and she was smirking. She wasn't listening. I told my mom it was no use. She wasn't listening. I also told her I didn't want her alone with the kids. So we both left the room.

Later when I was out with my mom she told me she was concerned about CDQ, she said her eyes were scary when she was trying to talk to her and what was with her laughing at her... I was glad she was able to see it and not kid herself anymore. She seemed to think a stern lecture from grandma would fix it.

So off I took Hubbins. While we were gone I decided that we should celebrate the boys 8th birthday when we got back. No one was in trouble or expecting it. I dropped Hubbins at home with the kids and picked up my mom where I discussed more things about the kids with her. We got the cake and food and came back.

The kids weren't scared anymore. They were excited. This was kind of my intention. I wanted them to have a good memory. I guess this could backfire on me if my mom screws up. But I think she gets it about my sister even. I think she thought the kids wanted her and missed her. But now she sees they are traumatized at the thought of her coming back to hurt them.

I asked her about the other kids and how they reacted to their mother coming back into their lives. She told me the oldest hates her. I said I didn't think this was going to be much different.

I already told her that what ever happens here stays here. This also said in front of the kids. She agreed. Earlier that morning, I had said the same thing. I told her that I don't feel it's for her or myself to tell. I told her if after my kids turn 18 they want to share with their mother that's fine and I'm making it possible that they will be able to share their childhood with her or anyone (their children). But it's not for us to do. She also agreed to that.

We came back and the kids watched "Up" with Hubbins while my mom and I got the cake and gifts together. Afterwards they played karaoke on the Wii. I let them stay up until ten.

My mom watched on the camera as they fidgeted in bed. It was very different from the morning before when she came in and they were all sleeping like rocks. I told her they were very scared. She said she saw that. (YES!)

The next day I was to take Hubbins to the ultrasound. We did the same thing. This time my mom checked in on the kids. She couldn't believe how they were all sitting there and doing what they were told. I told her I didn't want her doing that but I guess the kids had already made her feel like she was bugging and interrupting them. What can I say? I give good assignments. I know I do. I base it around their interests and make sure they are age appropriate. If your teacher gave you The Alchemyst (the 13 year old, all though I know she would love Twilight), Spiderwick (the 9 year old), The Mouse and The Motorcycle (the 8 year old), Transformers/Cars (the boy) and Harry Potter (the 10 year old) assignments wouldn't you be excited too? :-) I save these for just these occasions, when I need them to be engrossed in something.

Anyhow, we ended up getting out way earlier than we expected. We stopped and picked up dinner and came home and had a family meal with all of us at the table. It was good. Very normal actually.

Then my mom had to go. There were some tears. I told the kids not to worry. Again in front of my mom. I said basically if Grandma makes the right choices she will be able to come back again. Of course the right choices mean keeping us all safe. The kids were intent on that and my mom knew it. It's her second and last chance.

She took off and I had already planned to make caramel apples with the kids for dessert right after she left. They had a blast.

I have to say it's still all new and of course my mom would have been amiable to everything. But I think she gets it. Not entirely, of course. But the only thing we have to work on is her trying to parent my kids. I don't think she's doing it because she thinks she can do better or that I'm delusional like most grandparents do. At least not after the incident with CDQ. But it just seemed more out of habit. Like she's still in the days before all this happened. No one would take care of the kids and my mother would step forward and parent them when my sister wouldn't. I would too. But I was more of the first tell the adult in charge and then take care of it myself if no one else did, type.

I don't think there will be a problem with this. I remember before it all, my mom would cry because she just wanted to be the grandma who spoils her grandkids. She didn't want to be the bad guy. This only seems like win/win. Especially because I've already banned any kind of present buying. We are parents that take care of our kids so my mother doesn't have to worry or step in. We are fine being the bad guys. She can blame the things on us. We aren't worried about being friends with our kids or them hating us.

I know I sound really optimistic about all this but don't think I am being naive.

I am happy that my kids clung to me the entire time. My kids hugged me and told me they loved me and they did the same to their Dad bypassing my mother. She was all, "what about me?".

CDQ thought she was going to be "special" again but we killed that right at the start. I had trouble with the oldest acting bratty because she thought she was special because "she spent more time with grandma." But we nipped that in the bud too by telling them all that it wasn't like that anymore and they were all equals.

I tried to head off as much as I could with open communication with all of us together. I fully expected and am still waiting for my kids to lose their $%^&. But it's been a couple of days and all I got was the boy being bratty because of all the attention he got on his birthday. I think that's normal 8 year old behavior. You know the birthday child having a big head deal. lol

Given all the shocks and excitement, my kids are doing pretty damn awesome and I am so proud of them!

Yesterday

So yesterday...the kids were having such a great day that I was on the fence on whether to tell them what day it was. I was surprised every single one of them had forgotten, but I thought maybe it was a positive step? Who knows?

Lately the kids have been reminiscing on good times in OUR home. They always talk about the fun times with friends or bad times with their foster parents or bio parents and never anything that they have done here. I know it's not because of a lack of fun here. But like I said within the last three weeks the kids have been talking about some of the things that we've done as a family since their placement over 2 years ago. For me that was big. I don't know why, but it just seemed big.

Part of me figured if they didn't remember then maybe it was a good thing but the other part of me remembered the looks on their faces when two of them realized they had forgotten her birthday. It wasn't good and it didn't help that one of the ones who remembered was CDQ and she wouldn't let anyone else forget that they forgot. ARGH!

I decided to bite the bullet and bring it up over cupcakes after dinner. There were tears... all mine. I know such a wuss. I was able to steer it away and it ended in laughter and some interesting stories about Bela. Like how she could stick her entire foot in her mouth! and how her first word was "mine!"

I cried, not for Bela, but because as I looked around the table just before I told them, I saw their expectant faces, there wasn't an angry face, or a sad face or a blank face. There were smiles, wonder, each kid was *there* and was happy to be there and it made me cry because for the first time ever in my life, I was looking at family and it seemed like no matter how many times we might fall back, we will still always be moving forward...together.