Pressing on...

Things are going as well as can be expected.

My kids are double excited because of all the new homeschool changes and curriculum that they are seeing pop up around the house.  It's crazy because I remember posting the alphabet and number charts, vowels and consonant charts, and then cursive charts and noun charts and parts of speech, etc... and now I'm posting human anatomy charts, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights charts and geometry charts. I was excited and a little sad myself...my babies aren't babies anymore.  I mean, I know this, right? I see it every day but it's things like that which hit me the hardest.

They are already talking about college! Believe me it isn't a complaint and I'm not taking it for granted. We've ALL worked hard. I know I'm lucky. They don't want to leave home but say they know they need to leave for college and of course, I just hinted that in our state there is a student lottery which will pay for their bachelors degree as long as they keep a certain GPA AND, you know if they were still in school and stuff and they were doing well, like, um...they could still stay at home. Ah hem....*blush*

Poufy cracks me up. I was putting together her loft bed and I had just hung up the new posters. She came in and sat down next to me on the floor and she said "I am so excited for homeschool this year. I was excited before with the stuff on the shelf, but when I saw the poster of Presidents, I just knew this was going to be a fun year. I can feel it in my bones!" This said with her hair poufed to the ceiling (it was drying from her shower) and her eyes extra wide behind her glasses.

Which reminds me... they all have new glasses. Not to make this a PSA but women, please take care of yourself and do the prenatal things. My kiddos are losing their eyesight and they are so young. Every year it's a pretty big jump. I've got two that definitely can NOT see without glasses. In fact, with Poufy this time around they couldn't find a setting to help her see clearly. It was just good enough so she can see.  I've been told that there's nothing that can be done about it and hopefully technology will advance before she loses all her sight and there will be a surgery for her. :-(  I hope this happens, I hope there will be a surgery. She wants to be a scientist and study insects at this point in her life, she's been pretty steady with that for the past few years.

The girl's room is almost ready to go.  We bought them loft beds with desks underneath. I've put one together fully, I need to install the second desk on the other and today we should get the third desk via Fed Ex. The oldest said she's excited because she finally feels like they are moving forward.

I've been working diligently on erasing all the reminders of the past. I've replaced one of the two refrigerators that CDQ broke, both the front and back door to the house that CDQ broke and we filled in all the holes she made. We still have to work on the computer she broke and the boy's room which was the last room she stayed in. I'll be buying the paint for his room in the next day or so.  We've also replaced the bedroom door she broke and I still need to buy doorknobs for the bathroom and both of the bedrooms which she also broke. It was eyeopening because I had always treated them as a collective when I talked to them about the things they broke around the house but in fact, what the rest had done was minimal considering the overall damage CDQ had done.

I had a meeting this week with the treatment center. The insurance feels that they have done their job because CDQ is no longer suicidal or wanting to kill others (of course, she's not at home), the treatment center feels that CDQ cannot come home because she hasn't changed. She's traumatized children at the center. The youngest, a four year old girl. They told me that she does have all the markers for antisocial personality disorder (sociopath) and that sadly they don't see that ever changing.  They told me they could keep her there for a month free but it would do no good, there would be no change. They told me I could send her to TFC where they would make sure that she was placed as an only child with no animals and highly skilled parents but even then, that would be for a year tops. They said even if it was just Hubbins and I and cameras and intercoms and door alarms we wouldn't be able to do it. We'd have to have cameras in the bathrooms and showers even because she's become an expert at making allegations towards others.

They are worried about what she would do to the family if she came back and are sort of recommending (because they can't tell us what to do) she never come back, which brought us to being charged with abandonment. It's the only way to keep everyone safe. I feel like this needs to change, I don't know what I am going to do about it but we can't keep getting charged with these things (as I know other adoptive parents have) because of our children having severe mental issues while their biological parents are free with all THEIR rights intact. So in the next couple of weeks we will be meeting with CYFD so that we can ask any questions and make an informed "decision".    If you ask me, CDQ already made the decision.

I'm in a weird place, I'm not angry and I'm not sad anymore. I've given this to God and I feel like I can't be angry or sad. I feel like my heart has mostly stepped out of this and my brain has taken over. I NEED to protect my other children and yes, CDQ doesn't realize what she's done and she is a disturbed child but I've literally done all I can do. Maybe if she were the only consideration I would continue to run myself down. But she's not. I've seen first hand what happens to the others when the mother tends to the one child, and the outcome is not good and nothing changes with that child in the end but the other children are left broken and needy. I have a chance to do right by the other four, I can't let them down. 

*crickets chirping*

I hate the sound of crickets chirping.  Hate. it!

Sorry I've been away so long. I turned 35 at the end of last month and I was gifted with a heavy dose of depression. I think it may have been a total breakdown. I'm still having crying jags that are setting me off because I am not a crier. I hate crying. I used to only cry when I was mad or frustrated.

Things I have to blog about...

CDQ's lack of progress...
My doctor telling me that I am causing my own pain...

Hey it's all in my head. I'm so f'in magical I can turn my own fingers and deform my own knuckles. Isn't that a bitchin' super power to have?

Honestly, I don't know what my doctor's strategy is but I'm all for NOT having RA. Even though I have all the signs of RA, there's the one thing about my symmetrical pain that makes him think it's not RA.

I've asked God for a miracle. Please don't let me have RA. So I guess I should shorten my bitching and moaning, huh?

Maybe God's just helping me out?  In which case, let's just count this post as the one about my doctor telling me I cause my own pain...mmm'kay?

I do have to thank a reader for her comment on one of my RA posts. Chanele-- I was in a puddle of tears and angry and feeling like I was in denial about the RA (ironically this was before I saw my doctor) and needing to snap out of it the moment your comment came through. I hope you come back and see this. I appreciate your comment and your encouraging words of support. They mean more than you will ever know.

Hope all is well with everyone :-)

What I have been up to...

Last week went like this... Wednesday, visit to the local Fire Station for a tour, Friday- trash pickup and talk about Global Warming before heading out to the movies to see "earth" in honor of Earth day. Saturday and Sunday, sleepover where all three levels were trying to earn a combined total of 20 some odd patches.  We had a thunderstorm, which took out the power and changed the majority of the outdoor plans I had for the patches...we had a pizza mix up which ended with half the pizza not ever making it to our house and we he a couple of other set backs. But all in all, it went well. 

The night of the sleepover, I had possibly my worst arthritis flare ever. My foot could not have any pressure on it, not my slipper, not even a sock. I couldn't walk. Thankfully, everything had wound down by the time it got to that point, but I was worried and scared because I wasn't able to get Hubbins to bed until around 3 am because I couldn't walk or move. I had to take an aspirin, 2 aleves and put heat on it, just to get it down to a dull pain so I could move. I've never seen my top of my foot and my ankle so big. Plus, apparently it was turning in sideways. I hadn't seen it, but when I tried to test it to step down on it and see if I could, I realized it was pulling to a straight position. I was in so much pain and didn't take a pic of it, but I do have a picture of my finger from the other day. I will upload it when I download the pics off the camera.

For now, I have to prepare for tomorrow's community service project meeting and then after that the Day Camp on Saturday. 

I'm almost done. We have a police station tour on Monday, scrapbooking meeting next Wednesday and then our ceremony and we are done for they year. Well, I will be done as a leader too because I won't be returning.  I will miss the girls but it will be great to be rid of all the rest of the bs. 

I am also slowly making the rounds in the blogosphere. I am behind on my reading and even more behind on my commenting, since I have read more and thought to myself, I need to leave a comment but haven't gone back to say what I wanted to yet.  Make sense? lol

I still have posts of things I want to share with y'all but need the time to post it.  After May 21st I will be free! 

This, that and the other...

My bedroom window faces the front of our property that leads out to the street. The day before yesterday, I sat down to check my mail and I noticed there was a police suv parked right out front. On further inspection, I noticed there was another one parked across the street and then my heart fell. 

I saw two social workers, don't ask me how I knew they were social workers. I just did.  I did a double take because they were questioning the kids from across the street. The kids that I mentioned in my previous post. The ones that should have been in school.  My heart fell because I thought I was witnessing them being taken away from the family.  

I watched silently as the social workers sent the kids back into the house and as they followed them.  I did some laundry and when I came back, I watched the social workers leave without the children and I watched what appeared to be two officers. One was watching the social workers drive off and the other was shaking his head. I may be reading too much into it but it seemed like disbelief. 

Hours later, I was again sitting in front of my computer and I noticed that a car had driven up. There were kids yelling  and lots of noise which caught my attention . It appears that they packed up the children's clothes and the children and sent them on their way.  I hope it's not what it appears to be. That's how my sister was able to dodge CP+S. By moving out of the county. I don't think there should be differences. Something like child abuse and neglect reports should be universal to all states, counties, etc...

I hope those kids will be ok. But I can't help believing that children have to die in order for them to become a priority and even then it's no guarantee. After all Cindy's dead and it made no difference. 

Second thing, Yesterday was my first day without any pain whatsoever. I consider days where I just have a dull over all aching pain good days.  But yesterday, I stopped and stood in place because something just seemed soooo wrong.  That's how long I've been in constant pain.  When I realized that I had no pain and that's what was different. I cried. 

I don't know if it was the Co Q-10 that helped. I'm not sure since I had only started taking it the day before.  Today will be my third day taking it. I think I might need to take it in the mornings and not at night because last night, I was so ready for bed and I took the pill and the next thing I knew I was up until 4 am again but this time talking myself out of getting up and doing a million things that would have surely woken up everyone in the house. Instead, I was on pins and needles watching last seasons episodes of The Amazing Race. lol 

The other thing, I was so famished. I ate a bowl of cereal like around 3 am. I'm paying for it now because I am allergic to milk and I *knew* I shouldn't have ate it, but damn it.  I was hungry and it was what I *wanted*.  Crazy huh? 

Lastly, As far as the girl A goes. She still hasn't told her parents. I found out that since she told the oldest, she has told other girls about her situation. I figure she is trying to reach out and have someone else tell for her. 

I took Torina's suggestion and yesterday the oldest and I  went to the store and bought her a package of pads. I wrote A a letter telling her not to be mad at the oldest. I suggested she find an adult she trusted and let them know and I also let her know that I wasn't going to tell anyone or any adults her situation because I felt it was her decision, so she didn't need to worry. 

I discussed with the oldest about how I have a policy. When people are about to tell me a secret, I've always said I will not keep a secret that is hurtful, illegal or dangerous, etc... I explained to the oldest what I wanted to do and I put it to her this way. If something were to happen to her friend and she knew something that could have prevented it and kept it to herself, what kind of friend was she truly being? Plus, if A gets mad at her and decides not to be her friend over this and something happens to her, she tried to help her and it was A's decision in the end. 

So the oldest agreed to let me write a note to A to send with the pads. I also sent our copy of the American Girl Taking Care of You book.  After talking further with the oldest about A, I found out that A doesn't have very many friends and she is made fun of because she stinks.  I figured it would be a safe way for her to get the information she needs without stepping over any lines. There is nothing in the book about sex or contraceptives. It's all about taking care of oneself.  Armpits, teeth, skin, hair, periods, pms, it's all covered with illustrations. 

I wished the oldest luck today when I dropped her off at school and reassured her that she had nothing to be stressed about and that she was doing the right thing. I just hope this doesn't come back to bite us.

Bad Blogger...

I can't believe how fast the days have flown by. I am behind on everything... really, everything.

My birthday was Thursday and I got to come back home from dropping off the oldest at school, climb back into my jammies and sleep for 2 hours more. That was my celebration. lol

Actually, I knew we were going to celebrate Saturday. But between buying groceries in general and preparing for superbowl, I just had no time. I get nervous when my time fills up like that. I am always scared something is going to go wrong with Hubbins health ( I decided to change him from Hubs to Hubbins. lol)

At any rate, I don't even know if I typed it, but one of Hubbins pressure sores got infected. The big one that keeps tunneling. (Well, it's been infected since the first day the first home health nurse came out and put a bandage over it which blocked the sore from draining and caused the infection.) The infection just got worse. So they put him on antibiotics. Seems to be working except on Friday, after the home health nurse patted me on the back and told me I could be a nurse (uh, hell to the no) I went to high five hubbins hand and noticed he had a huge ass lump on his shoulder.

We think he has a muscle knot. But it could be a blood clot. But I'm pretty sure it's just a really bad muscle knot (please God, amen). The swelling went down but the knot is still there. (Here insert the crazy wanting to cry, scream and cuss that I am pushing to the back of my mind at this very moment.)

I don't know, he's really sore. It could be either way. He doesn't have fever or chills, no red streaks. From what I read when the sores are healing it's really painful because the nerves are raw.

SS and the boy are doing grrreat. CDQ and Poufy...not so great. I need to get them seperated. But they disrupt the other two so badly that it's not worth it. If I have 3 out of 5 behaving. It's better than splitting them and having the two that are worse disrupting the two that are moving forward right? Plus, I know they love to hate each other. fun.

As for me, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that Hubbins health will improve. The first thing I have planned "for me" is.... are you ready?

Drumroll please...

CAKE DECORATING! My mom and I wanted to do this like 12 years ago but we never got around to it (she claimed to never have time) and when I went in to see how much the class was and when it started I couldn't believe my eyes that the course and the supplies were all 50% off this month. I paid for my class and bought the course 1 supplies on Saturday and I start Thursday. I can't wait but I am also afraid something will happen before then that won't allow me to go.

I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just a realist. Something always happens. The real first thing I was supposed to do was go see Inkheart. But Hubbins was not well. Usually before my GS meetings he has a lot of trouble too. He gets mad when I say it but his body's timing is right on for any holiday or plans that we have. He always has trouble or if I get too excited I jinx it. It sucks.

So keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to be too excited about the class.


PS. If it sounds like I'm worried about missing the class, it's not that. I'm worried about making plans to be in the class somehow "causing" Hubbins health to get worse. That's what I dread about making plans. If I knew that his health would be good if I made no plans, I would never make another plan again. Seriously.

Still around...

Hopefully by Friday I will get to post.

One of Hubs pressure sores has turned and is infected, it's the big hard to get to one of course. We are trying to keep tabs on it and hopefully it will turn since they started him on antibiotics yesterday. I'm told I can expect to see a change within 48-72 hours if the antibiotics are working.

The other thing is Girl Scouts- cookies should have wrapped up for a little bit but I have a parent who thinks that a Saturday deadline means Monday after 10. Plus, I worked over a month with council to try and get my girls into ice skating classes and someone called me from council and told me something wrong, resulting in me showing up at council on the date that I was told only to be told I was given wrong information. No accountability and no apology. I was livid, so mad I cried in the damn parking lot. I have called the ice skating arena to see how much a similar offering would be outside of Girl Scouts but I just don't know... oh, and I've been checking the website non-stop because my girls are going camping this summer even if it ends up being in my backyard dammit! The website says the listings for camp will be up on January 26th and still nothing... so. pissed.

Which leads me to the first (of many things, I hope) that I will be doing for myself.

Although I love my little girl scouts dearly and they have taught me a ton in these short months... I am not going to be returning as a leader next year. My kids will become Juliettes and be Girl Scouts on their own, but between council not being able to get it together and parents who avoid me like the plague when it comes to dues or deadlines. I am done. I will miss the girls like crazy but well. I have to do this. I don't need anymore stress and instead of this being fun, it is additional stress.

Plus, the second big decision that also helped me make the first decision is that the oldest will not be returning to that school. Tuition went up and I just don't see the value in it. We will be homeschooling her next year and putting the money spent on tuition to better use.

So, like I said, hopefully I will be updating by Friday. With some more of the for me stuff. Thanks for all the support. I feel like a whiny spoiled brat when I lose it. lol

I am still alive...

the only reason I am here and typing is because hubs is asleep. He's been on FOR-EVA. When he's not, we aren't here.

I can't even post a proper post because I have 15 minutes before I have to put him to bed. We have to get up at dark thirty (3:30 am)tomorrow morning so that we can be ready to get the kids up at 5:30 so we can make it to the 6:45 balloon launching.

I am a bit disappointed because I had ordered a camcorder and it should have been here in time for this. The Balloon Fiesta starts this weekend and I wanted to capture the kid's reactions to it.

Oh yeah, I should clarify. Hot air balloons-- hundreds. Tomorrow a hot air balloon will be launching from each school. It's actually pretty cool.

We'll have these incredible balloons filling the skies. I will try to at least get pics of the balloons. I am so behind on my blog reading and responding.

I suck...