These last two weeks have been... hard.
I've laughed, I've cried, I've flared, I've avoided a cold...
hard.
CDQ was supposed to be placed in a treatment foster home yesterday but the foster mother met her and decided to not even take her for a four hour pass. Smart woman. I had some concerns anyway. But now it looks like no one (meaning agency) has a placement for her. I don't know what that means since the insurance has determined as long as she doesn't want to kill herself or others she is good to go home and the TFC is supposed to be the transition that builds the gap and prepares her to return home. Except the center doesn't want her to come home. She hasn't changed an iota. They are starting to see some new behaviors, which ones, I don't know.
Imagine this fun convo...
Agency man: So can you tell me a little about how CDQ divided the staff at treatment center?
Me: wide eyed silence...stuttering...um.... I'm ....not, sure...do you mean...x, y , or z?
Agency man: the Director at treatment center told me CDQ divided her staff.
Me: Well... they didn't tell me that...
I talked to the director and CDQ had half the staff feeling sorry for her and the other staff knowing better. The one's feeling sorry for her were yelling at the others to stop "picking" on her. Triangulation 101 people...hello! Seems she turned on the staff that was supporting her and now they got a lesson from the school of hard knocks. Seems they are "understanding the family's position better."
*sigh*
I flared because of all this and because I wasn't going to acupuncture like I should have been. My PTSD reared it's ugly head and I almost made a scene in Anatomy class which I wouldn't even be able to explain other than sheer paranoia.
My other kids have had some bumps but are kicking homeschool @$$. Please don't think I haven't whined and yelled about this though. The same with cleaning their rooms so I can take pictures for the internetz and show them what good work they do. Believe me when I say this is not complaining... C'mon...we are n.o.r.m.a.l. now. How could I even think of complaining (for real).
Oh and school... school has been challenging and fun and hard. Lots of 100/200 question quizzes and exams. In fact, this coming week I have a quiz or exam in every single class. I shouldn't even be taking this time, but I should...you know?
I've had three patients in clinic so far. I love it. I was worried about the whole people part of becoming a doctor (LOL!) but I think I've handled it just fine. I had a challenging patient who had RA and Fibro amongst other things and I was so happy that I could make a connection with her. She really needed to know that she wasn't alone and I guess I needed to as well. I've never met anyone in person who has these same diseases since I've been diagnosed. I saw the tell tale fingers, her scarred body from joint replacements. I saw her fear and I reassured her she did not need to justify herself to me or anyone else for that matter. I knew what she was doing because I do it myself.
A couple of weeks ago in Bio lab I paired up with this girl. I was having trouble remembering my metric system math and she whizzed right through it. She offered to stay and help but there was no way I was going to take her Saturday afternoon from her so I told her she should just go and I'll figure it out. I told her she was really good at it. What she said left me standing there staring at her as she packed her stuff and left the room. My vision grew blurry... she said, "oh darlin', I'm no better than you." and she walked away.
This hit me so hard because I've always felt people are better than me and I'm stuck with losers (in my childhood). I've made sure to surround myself with people who I perceive are better than me. People to aspire to. I realized day in and day out I tell my kids the same exact thing, nobody is better than you... no one can make you feel inferior without your consent... But deep down, I feel just like they do. Now that I am aware of it I need to figure out how to change this and teach them how to change it for themselves. I thought I had already fixed this about me but apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg.
I've laughed, I've cried, I've flared, I've avoided a cold...
hard.
CDQ was supposed to be placed in a treatment foster home yesterday but the foster mother met her and decided to not even take her for a four hour pass. Smart woman. I had some concerns anyway. But now it looks like no one (meaning agency) has a placement for her. I don't know what that means since the insurance has determined as long as she doesn't want to kill herself or others she is good to go home and the TFC is supposed to be the transition that builds the gap and prepares her to return home. Except the center doesn't want her to come home. She hasn't changed an iota. They are starting to see some new behaviors, which ones, I don't know.
Imagine this fun convo...
Agency man: So can you tell me a little about how CDQ divided the staff at treatment center?
Me: wide eyed silence...stuttering...um.... I'm ....not, sure...do you mean...x, y , or z?
Agency man: the Director at treatment center told me CDQ divided her staff.
Me: Well... they didn't tell me that...
I talked to the director and CDQ had half the staff feeling sorry for her and the other staff knowing better. The one's feeling sorry for her were yelling at the others to stop "picking" on her. Triangulation 101 people...hello! Seems she turned on the staff that was supporting her and now they got a lesson from the school of hard knocks. Seems they are "understanding the family's position better."
*sigh*
I flared because of all this and because I wasn't going to acupuncture like I should have been. My PTSD reared it's ugly head and I almost made a scene in Anatomy class which I wouldn't even be able to explain other than sheer paranoia.
My other kids have had some bumps but are kicking homeschool @$$. Please don't think I haven't whined and yelled about this though. The same with cleaning their rooms so I can take pictures for the internetz and show them what good work they do. Believe me when I say this is not complaining... C'mon...we are n.o.r.m.a.l. now. How could I even think of complaining (for real).
Oh and school... school has been challenging and fun and hard. Lots of 100/200 question quizzes and exams. In fact, this coming week I have a quiz or exam in every single class. I shouldn't even be taking this time, but I should...you know?
I've had three patients in clinic so far. I love it. I was worried about the whole people part of becoming a doctor (LOL!) but I think I've handled it just fine. I had a challenging patient who had RA and Fibro amongst other things and I was so happy that I could make a connection with her. She really needed to know that she wasn't alone and I guess I needed to as well. I've never met anyone in person who has these same diseases since I've been diagnosed. I saw the tell tale fingers, her scarred body from joint replacements. I saw her fear and I reassured her she did not need to justify herself to me or anyone else for that matter. I knew what she was doing because I do it myself.
A couple of weeks ago in Bio lab I paired up with this girl. I was having trouble remembering my metric system math and she whizzed right through it. She offered to stay and help but there was no way I was going to take her Saturday afternoon from her so I told her she should just go and I'll figure it out. I told her she was really good at it. What she said left me standing there staring at her as she packed her stuff and left the room. My vision grew blurry... she said, "oh darlin', I'm no better than you." and she walked away.
This hit me so hard because I've always felt people are better than me and I'm stuck with losers (in my childhood). I've made sure to surround myself with people who I perceive are better than me. People to aspire to. I realized day in and day out I tell my kids the same exact thing, nobody is better than you... no one can make you feel inferior without your consent... But deep down, I feel just like they do. Now that I am aware of it I need to figure out how to change this and teach them how to change it for themselves. I thought I had already fixed this about me but apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg.
1 comment:
WHOA. Back up!!! How did I miss that you are in MED SCHOOL? Girl you amaze me more and more and more every. day.
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