Tears of a Clown

Monday was the second team meeting for CDQ's treatment plan.

Here I was getting excited. Not because anything big had happened but that damn thing called HOPE had come back into the picture.

These people are set-UP! They got it together, they have support systems, they have the therapist, they have it all... I felt like we were all on the same page.

Where the hell were they 5 years ago? :-(

I had a voice today and oddly enough, even though I fell apart...no flare (yet? maybe) It was starting to feel good. CDQ was running through her typical motions but I felt even though these people had to go through it all too, it was going to be a good thing. We agree on treatment centers being less than helpful as far as structure and appropriateness. We agree on dress code.

They are doing all the things I already tried. They are experiencing the things that we have already....it's like deja vu, but it's happening to them instead of us. I'm not worried because they have a support system, EVERYONE is behind them.

Jealous... yeah, a little.

There is extreme concern at this time about her disassociating. The concern is that she will split personalities. She hasn't done that yet. But the frequency and ease of her checking out is startling to her therapist, more so then her antisocial diagnosis (well not a diagnosis because that can't be done officially until the age of 15 at the earliest) so I guess symptoms? Tendencies?

But the bomb dropped at the end of the session, by the way this is all via phone,  the foster father wanted me to know that CDQ already was set in her mind that she was never coming home.  Never.  The foster mother confirmed it. The case worker said that CDQ had been surprised to see my signature on the forms and to know that I was still involved. The foster father felt it was important I know this because he said they cared about me and they could hear things in my voice.   The foster parents, the case worker and the therapist all agreed, there was something I needed to do and that revealing this would be what I needed.

They told me I had to do the work first, I don't understand and I was crying and couldn't speak to ask what the work was but the idea is that I need to get help so I can help my family during and after the dissolution.

Dissolution.

I've said it, I've written about it but I've never truly been committed to it.

Three weeks ago, the case worker said she didn't think we were there yet. She thought there might be something they could do. That's when hope snuck in.

I hear what's being said. My family and I need help, we need counseling. CDQ is an abuser. In the eyes of my other children she is just like their parents and the others who have hurt them.  They are living in fear that CDQ will tell lies and they will be taken from us. They are still living in fear even though she is gone.

It has to end because if it doesn't they will never feel safe.

They (her treatment team) agree CDQ is never coming home.

All those people, I couldn't deny it.

We said our goodbyes and about 15 minutes later I lost it. I told Hubbins it felt like she has died.  She's not the same child I remember. Yes, she had problems but she had happy times. She wasn't so lost. I can still see her smile, I can see her in her little t-ball uniform. I can see her singing in her school assembly.  I have moments I've committed to memory of all my children.  A lot of firsts, a lot of actual family moments.  I remember even if she doesn't.

It's mourning in such a twisted way.  But when I think of what I am doing to my family by continuing to live in denial I can't decide which is more twisted.  

Just Breathe

It's no secret that I'd finally found a supportive therapist who knew CDQ's behaviors better than I did.  He has worked with RAD children and he had a case very similar to CDQ's not too long ago.  This therapist REALLY got it. And when he told me to take care of me, he really meant it. No guilt trips, no judgement.

So it was quite a punch in the gut when I answered the phone and was told he had left the treatment center some time last week and that this guy would be taking over. This guy (new therapist) is the teacher for the RAD class I tried to take but dropped out of when I decided that he and the other therapist were right and I did need to take care of myself.

I was lucky enough to be standing near my recliner because my knees failed me and I dropped into it. I kept hearing my mind telling me "Stress is your biggest enemy." over and over again. But I literally felt devastated like my world had just crumbled under me.

I must've remained in shock because I called my mom to make sure she wasn't using my car this Thursday so I could make the meeting. I told her what had happened. I still hadn't lost it.

Being the gossip that my mother is, she came home and came directly to the kids room where I was steam cleaning their carpet.  She just jumped right into it.

I hadn't told the kids yet.

She was more than eager to fill them in. I have to admit I was pissed watching her get her jollies being a damn gossip. I could see the oldest and the two youngest weren't taking it well either. I think that's what broke me. I tried not to cry but my face just crumbled.

My mom asked me what was wrong and I told her.

"He was the only person in the world who really understood."

Because let's face it. You guys are all out there and yes we have an understanding but I think it might be different when you meet another person face to face who is truly in your corner and who is fighting the same war right beside you.

Really someone who supported me and could actually do something about it.

I'm crying now as I type this because it feels like I'm mourning.  I lost someone who was so important. Someone who helped me keep my sanity and helped ME feel safe.

I wasn't told the circumstances of his leaving.  But I know CDQ had made accusations towards him and he had expressed that he was glad he never shut his door anymore to dispel any accusations his patients might make.  I truly hope CDQ didn't have anything to do with this. Signs would point to no because he's been in the field almost as long as I've been alive.

But this child is that sick. Anything is possible with this child.

My world is spinning and I can't seem to find how to stop it. 

Understanding...

How to explain this... I am so grateful for the support from Corey, Ashley and Chandra. Corey's comment was the reminder I needed and the catalyst for further thought. 

A couple of weeks ago I was reading a trauma mama's blog. She disrupted many years ago but it's clear the disruption still has it's effect on her to this day. I wrote this long comment that I thought was best for me to just e-mail to her but then I had a small flare up and never got around to sending it. 

I mulled over it that night and with the new found knowledge of having read bits and pieces from the Orlando trauma mama's blogs, I realized that: 

1.) I am not alone completely. 

2.) Maybe the whole stigma with disruption/dissolution is changing since I first started blogging (This iteration of my blog isn't the first one.) ?

Let's face it too...it is so easy to fall into the stinkin' thinkin' of I am alllllll allllllone. 

But as I wrote that post, I said I didn't expect anyone to understand...but it was the unwritten I didn't expect people to understand. 

In fact, I am terrified that people still won't understand it. I've told my mother and my husband and I am about to tell you. 

But first, my mom GETS IT.  I had called her on the way back from the therapist when he first told me of CDQ's accusations and I was still in a state of shock. I mean I really don't know how to handle this. 

When I drove up my mom met me outside and she actually hugged me and she was crying and mumbling something about staying strong. 

All this time, she has been that voice. We ALL know that voice. "You're just too soft on her.", "You just need to tell her to snap out of it.", "you just don't want to try.", "Why don't you just give them all away.", "If you can get rid of one, then who's next.", etc...

Those words hurt so bad. I am not a quitter and my mother knew this. But she still rolled her eyes and said hurtful things to me when I tried to explain things to her. She didn't want to hear it. 

But now, these accusations and her full understanding of the possible danger my kids, and my husband are in because of lies. Plain and simple, anybody that knows me knows that this is not true. I have worked with children for many years off and on and now all that is at stake too?

Anyhow. I tried explaining to my mom that I felt that CDQ was a lot like her mother but smarter. She told me that it sounded to her that it was my problem with their mother and not CDQ. I've never held anything my sister has done against my kids. Never resented them because of my sister and I've even explained to them when they were trying to make me pay for what my sister did that I never tried to "collect" anything off of them. My problem was with their bio mom and never them.  In fact, I am guilty of being too soft on them because of who their mother is.  I feel like they were cheated. 

My mom tried to make it sound like I was making CDQ the fall guy and that just isn't true. These accusations made her open her eyes that there is indeed something terribly wrong with CDQ.  In fact, I've come to understand that possibly a lot of my hostility in my writing and my posts may be indirectly fielding off the verbal "blows" of my mother. 

Compound that with the last therapist telling me "Oh, *I* wouldn't have done that..." or "those are your issues", etc...

I came to a realization that CDQ has been able to get to me because she has learned from the best. There was only one time where she triggered me and I KNEW it was my issue and I reacted in a way I wasn't proud of.  I'm grateful that I never went to extremes on my own- but I've never cussed *at* any of my kids until that day. I told CDQ- "FU get out of my room." ( I know people have said and done much worse but I feel so guilty about that incident and she doesn't even seem to remember it! I'm freaking out that I'm actually putting it on the blog!) As soon as she finally did decide to leave after continuing her assault on me. I was able to sit there and ask myself "where in the world did that come from?" and I realized it was a direct reaction from hearing her words come from my step-father before. 

You see, I've realized that I am essentially raising the product of the person who molested and possibly raped me.  Even though she is his grandchild, he hurt her too and it's HIS ways that she is using to abuse other people. With the help of her bio mom, she's been able to take it to a higher level for her age. 

Maybe I should feel sorry for her. Maybe I should be more understanding of her. But this time it is my hang up, this is why I feel this insane need to protect my family.  I mean I would feel that way any way but I think in this case my body is reacting to it's memories that I have stored away and that is why I can't gain the control because I don't know. I can't remember. I just get these flashbacks that leave me guessing if I even give them that time. 

I've processed quite a bit of stuff in acupuncture that I didn't even realize was something that was still an issue for me or that it ever was an issue. 

The very first thing I processed was the death of my best friend. I said I was going to write a post about it and I will in my next post. 

But what I didn't expect people to understand, was that I don't see CDQ as my step father, but I do see her as a skillful abuser now.  Parts that she consciously chooses to use against people. It's easy to say she's just a child, but my step father was a child too and if we start going down that road... it still boils down to personal choices and CDQ does know right from wrong. 

I think it's important that I say that I don't hold a grudge against either of them. Do I want to speak or see either of them...no.  I don't feel like it's a safe situation and I am certain it would be the mind#$%^ olympics if they had their chance to try to convince me how stupid and wrong I am. Because it's what they do, that's how they groom you to break you down...this circular logic that makes no sense and it's sole purpose is to make you feel inadequate and worthless. 

But it's truth. I have a feeling my children would understand it but I don't want to stir things up with them, as it is CDQ is accusing me of turning them all against her. 

But, this is the thing I feel so alone in.  I keep trying to think of ways that I am wrong about this, but maybe I just need to let it be what it is and just go from there...

After the pain and anger...

Yet again I have many posts in draft.   How well my kids are doing...all the awesome trauma mamas Orlando dug up from the internets.  What normal family life feels like...

But I've been floating in this surreal space.

The. End.

I don't know how to describe or explain any of it.

I suspect only a little bit of it hits me at random moments.

My gut told me about this one and I still signed on the line...

so. stupid.

You can't help someone unless they want to help themselves. People don't change unless they want to change...over and over...broken record.

"Save who you can."
"Focus on your 80% success rate."
"Don't blame yourself."
"I'm sorry I have to do this..."

I sit here with a purple hand. It's in my head. Not the purple but the cause...I can't control my body's reactions.

Broken.

Takenlife. Takenhope. Takenfaith. Takeninnocence. Takentrust. Takenlove.

Taken.

CDQ has accused me of sexually abusing her in my home and at a restaurant bathroom.

Done.

Crazy or not.  Trauma or not. RAD or not.

Done.

Call me selfish. I don't give a fuck.

Call me whatever.

I'm done.

Irony...wearing a shirt that says "I just realized...I don't care."

Somewhere I know I do and that's why I am so lost right now.

She actually hugged me like she never accused me of anything. She doesn't know I know. So sick of the games, the manipulation, her emptiness.  How do I tell the others? Do I tell the others?  They are doing SO well.

Sociopath, sociopath, sociopath, sociopath...SOCIOPATH.

Signs and symptoms

Characteristics of people with antisocial personality disorder may include:^[3]

• Apparent lack of remorse^[4] or empathy for others
• Persistent lying or stealing
• Cruelty to animals^[5]
• Poor behavioral controls — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper
• A history of childhood conduct disorder
• Recurring difficulties with the law
• Promiscuity
• Tendency to violate the boundaries and rights of others
• Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights
• Inability to tolerate boredom
• Poor or abusive relationships
• Irresponsible work behavior
• Disregard for safety

Other common characteristics of those with Antisocial Personality Disorder include superficial charm, shallowed emotions, a distorted sense of self, a constant search for new sensations (which can have bizarre consequences), a tendency to physically or verbally abuse peers or relatives, and manipulation of others without remorse or empathy for the victim.Egocentrism, megalomania, lack of responsibility, extroversion, excessive hedonism, high impulsivity, and the desire to experience sensations of control and power can also be present. This type of disorder does not relate to assaults of panic or to schizophrenia. (Dictionary)

I don't want to ever see or talk to that child again.   I don't think I can get past this. I don't think I can see her as anything but evil.  Sometimes, they ARE born this way.  Like mother, like daughter.  I thought she could be saved, I was so wrong.

Please listen to your gut and not your heart before you adopt.  Even if it's a sibling group. I could have saved my kids so much more trauma if I would have listened to my gut.  I had a bad feeling about this child when I had last seen her when she was 3 years old. By then she had already pushed her brother into a cactus and laughed as he screamed in pain gasping for air...she had stepped on her newborn sister's head and jumped on her chest like she was a trampoline...the baby had been sleeping. It's not sibling rivalry or jealousy.  I'm not even sure it's environment.

You might think the best thing is to keep them all together, or the best thing is a family with love, caring, support, understanding...  You might think, he/she is just a child...they don't know, they are mentally sick....even so...protect yourself and others.

I tried to get help. I made mistakes in who I trusted. I tried to keep our family together. I avoided RTC and anything that would label CDQ as a bad kid. I thought she just needed a chance. I protected the wrong things.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do but save the others.  I don't expect anyone to understand.

In a second it all changed.

I've had some time stand still moments.

But yesterday morning, I felt like I hadn't heard right. I felt like I was punched in the gut and all my air had escaped me. I fought for a blank look to hide my true feelings. I couldn't believe this was my reaction to the whole thing.

Sometimes, I thought I would be relieved if it happened.  I thought I could breathe because my kids would be safe.

I know that CDQ was on a waiting list for RTC. I knew this. I prayed for answers. If it was the right thing. I never pushed it, I figured God's will, God's time.  I handed it all over to God.

I knew that CDQ was homicidal and suicidal. Therefore she is a danger to herself and others. I knew the plan was RTC, I knew they were giving her a couple of weeks to show she could do it at home and I knew she wasn't making it.

I know this is good for my family. I know my doctor thinks this is good for my health.

I know this is supposed to be good for CDQ.

I could go on and on about what I "know".

But I guess I'm not as indifferent as I thought I was.

I made it out the door before the tears started falling. I felt so selfish.

I tried to tell myself to cut it out. I know that I don't have the resources or the knowledge to keep her from hurting herself. I know that I should be relieved. She will be safe.

But for some reason, it just doesn't feel that way.

All I can see is this clueless little girl that doesn't know what she's done.  She thinks she has control of the strings and I suspect she's feeling the tugs but this is a whole world that she's opened up that she has no idea about.

I know she thinks she'd do better in another family. At one point, I thought maybe it would be the case. But with her mental issues, she's going to have a problem in any family. It would truly only be a matter of time.

I can't "fix" her.

I keep saying "I know" this and that and I think that's me grasping for some kind of stability that just isn't there. Something concrete and tangible.

Nobody but Hubbins and I know that she's not coming home on Monday. We were advised for our safety not to tell her.

Monday morning we meet with the therapist and he will tell her then.

Despite her attempts to attack me last night, all I can see is a scared little girl.

Even through the angry glares...

"I'm not trying to upset you, I just want to see you get upset. I think you should be upset."

"CDQ, I'm not going to get upset. I already told you, I'm not going to let you upset me anymore."

"I know, but if I tell you something, I think you should be upset."

"Well, I'm not and I won't be. There's nothing you can say or do that will upset me."

"But I'm not trying to make you upset, I just want to see you be upset."

This child used to make me cry, that has not happened in a couple of months. She would lean in for a side hug and whisper in my ear "it is about you. I hate you.", "You aren't a mother, you've never been a mother." and a whole bunch of other things I've tried not to remember and no one else had a clue she was doing this.  She would grab my hands and check my fingers to see if she had "upset" me enough to cause a flare.  Yes. she. did.

With all that hatefulness, I feel like such an idiot for feeling this way. I feel like I don't understand my own feelings. I feel a little lost.

Even playing all the recent attacks, PUBLIC attacks at the treatment center, back in my head. I still feel this strong pull that wants me to put the brakes on it all.

I don't know why I am being so selfish.  I know in my heart I can't help her.  I would just make things worse keeping her at home. What if she succeeds with suicide and all because she wants a rise out of me (she said as much). She needs this.  She will be ok.

I just keep seeing this little lost girl, all alone and scared.  I don't want her to feel that.  But I guess if I am honest with myself, right now, she's feeling suicidal and homicidal and that can't be any better.

The one I've been hesitant to write.

This was written early last week.
------------------------------------------

I've gone back and forth on this one, as I do write our struggles here with the expectation that the kids will eventually read it. They knew I was a blogger because back in the day I used to post little things featuring my Monchhichi for them and my mom would show them. Sort of like Monchhichi was talking to them through the computer, now he talks to them IRL. LOL!

Anyhoo, they used to be excited when I posted about them but since they asked me that their mother never see any pictures of them, it's been really hard to post what we do here. I explained to them that I can't really control who comes to this site. I've shared some of our pics on facebook, but it's still hard to keep this blog from becoming a negative place when so much of the good stuff is captured on "film".

So, I've gone back and forth with the whole CDQ situation.  Part of me wonders if I don't blog it am I making the mistake I made in IRL? Is it trying to pretend these things don't exist? Am I fooling myself anyway, because let's face it, will I ever do anything right in CDQ's eyes? and I guess more recently, do I even care anymore?

As harsh as that sounds, I have let this child run me into the ground because I felt sorry for her. If I had to be completely honest about my feelings at this very second for this child I would have to say I feel almost indifferent. My therapist says it's called battle fatigue. Some may wonder how a person can feel that way and I am thankful that you don't know and pray that you never have to walk in those shoes to understand it. And I also know that there are many of us out there that know exactly what I am talking about and we live with this silently questioning ourselves and our hearts on the other side of our screens, some of us can say how we got here and others aren't even sure of anything anymore.

I'm still reflecting on all this, but I know I feel indifferent because that is the way I feel about all my other abusers. Sure, she's a child but she learned well from the people who abused me because some of them abused her too.

Abuse is abuse no matter who it comes from or what the past circumstances are.  I could be abusive too and blame it on my past but I don't and won't ever do something like that to someone else.

Also, her previous therapist basically said I was an adult who should be able to let this child abuse me and if I couldn't, I should seek counseling because it was my problem then. Something from MY past that I had to deal with. I understand not to take it personal, but this went too far.

When I think about things and the people who knew me, I think they would be shocked to know that I let anyone abuse me. That's not the person I am. I think they would be double shocked at the extent that this child has gone.

Maybe I am saying she is a monster when she is like this.  But that's how far it gets when there is no real help. When you are staying up all night because you don't want to wake up to a child holding a knife over you or you don't want to find the child she shares a room with dead in their bed because she didn't like the way that child ate her food at dinner.

If she ever reads this I hope it's from the other side of her demons. I hope she understands that we know this isn't her but this was what it was like on our side. I hope she develops the ability to see the other side and to understand that she's not the only hurt party and that despite it all we don't blame her, never have I blamed her. This is how it was, and boy do I pray so hard for that was part.

But mental illness isn't like a cold. I don't believe it runs it's course and goes away.  She doesn't hear me when I tell her she's strong and brave and that it is TOO much for a kid to handle. I don't think she hears the words.

I've been cautious with this new place. I don't want to jump the gun. Her new therapist has been in the field since 1973. I met with him yesterday and here I thought I was updating him and he's letting me know they are actually one step ahead of CDQ and many more ahead of me when it comes to trying to figure out her motives.

I've read so many horror stories about RTC and wrap around services and insurance. I'm just waiting for it all to come my way. But so far, the services have truly been wrap around services. She will continue on with the same people when her bed opens for RTC they will continue to work with her consistently. I read her plan and the observations they have written and he couldn't be more spot on if he had lived with her himself.

They even did their homework and somehow obtained a slew of background information on her. I know I signed releases but I've never seen anything so thorough, precise and correct.

As far as CDQ herself, I am also impressed by her progress. I thought of the honeymoon period and maybe that was the changes I was seeing in her. But after  meeting with her counselor yesterday, he actually warned me that this might be an attempt on her part to get me to take her out of day treatment. After thinking about it, he's more than likely right. Since she did start pushing the whole "I don't want to go back there, EVERYONE is being mean to me." business.

What I am impressed by is the fact that she can maintain control when she wants to. Previously, I had been told that was impossible. I guess we know who got snowed in the past don't we?

Any show of control on her part is impressive to me. Maybe I'm stupid to hold on to that...but I'd also be lying if I said it didn't give me hope.

Then the ride stopped...

I went in to see my therapist (M) last week who immediately took me in to see CDQ's therapist (AT). She stayed in the room and that helped a lot.

I don't know where I flipped and started trying to be a people pleaser- that I haven't been since I went off to college. But I couldn't stand hearing myself say it was ok. I mean, really... my kid was totally disregulated and I paid for it and if AT was saying it was her fault, why did I keep insisting it was ok?

I feel like AT is inexperienced when it comes to kids like CDQ. I feel very strongly that this is AT's first really really bad case.  I don't know. She keeps saying the Director is telling her what to do and that she is conferring with others and showing CDQ's video. I also noticed she's short tempered with my indecisiveness.

Case in point, the previous post about my visit with M, I talked about the rescue team not being put in a position where something can happen to them.  All these months, I've been sitting out in the waiting room while CDQ goes in with AT, now that I say I am going to meet with M--CDQ says she needs me in the room.

Manipulation- whether it comes from fear or whatever, CDQ does NOT want me to get better. She wants to continue to be able to zing me.  So is it truly fear or is it control. Yes, it could be argued that even if it is for control it is still fear...fine.

BUT, if I am part of the rescue am I doing more damage by not getting myself an oxygen mask first (ie.  my therapy session)?  I had my session with M scheduled to overlap with CDQ's since I was sitting out there the whole time doing nothing...so the AT asks CDQ if she wants me in the room and of course CDQ says yes now.  I should go back and find the post about talking to AT about being in the room from the get go and getting the thumbs down, anyone remember that?

So, I was confused for a bit about what I should do.  I know they charge $25 if you miss a session and I wasn't sure if they were going to do that.  Plus, M had moved her schedule and moved someone else so I could have this slot...but mainly I was thinking about the rescue thing.

Out loud in front of AT, I had mumbled that I wasn't sure what I should do and I heard her mumble back that I needed to do whatever my child needed.  Hmmmm... I guess that's all I'll say about that, for now anyway.

Anyhow, with M in the room it was easier to get AT to stop and listen to what I was saying. She would interrupt and say something to M who would turn around and ask me a question or look to me so I could say something.

So, we talked about a residential treatment center (RTC) but I said that I didn't want her to go. I always say I don't want her to learn new things but can you imagine the whole new set of traumas if she was "taken" from my home and placed with A LOT more people to be afraid of. It breaks my heart when I think of it that way. So for now, she will be seeing the therapist twice a week.

I made it clear there was to be no more Jonas Bros or any music at all. This in front of M, who I told a couple of months ago the one time I saw her, that I didn't want that anymore. Wow, that sentence sucks. I hope it makes sense. I'm just wondering when M sat in that day if she remembers that was a topic we discussed before.

I also told AT we needed to find a way for ME to bond with CDQ especially if she had flipped into processing trauma.

I told her about CDQ telling me she was scared to be in there with her AT. So AT asked her if she wanted me in there and she did. I don't think AT likes me in there.  Actually, I don't think AT likes me at all, but that's neither here nor there. It's not about me after all.

Finally, I was taught something that helps. Tapping.

I thought there was something special to it because the way she explained to me before was that she was opening up CDQ during the sessions and would close her before she left. So I had never tried the tapping before.

Basically, all you do is tap the shoulders, the head, the tops of the knees, and the sides of her back gently with your fingers.  This helps with the chatter. It also helps calm her down BIG TIME.  I had to use it that night we got back from the therapist and it literally took her back to center under 5 minutes.  I timed it. While you are doing this, you talk to her subconscious and tell her she is safe and that you are there to keep her safe and that you are completely there for her.  So even if she's chattering and stuff, when she takes a break to breathe tell her she's safe and it actually slows down the chatter to silence. If you're worried she's going to ask a question that may set her off if you don't answer, tell her to take deep breaths. That's what I did.

I did tapping again tonight and this time aside from telling her she was safe, I did it while she was talking about her nightmares and I shifted her from talking about bad stuff to focusing on good stuff. I asked her what she thought would happen if she forgot the bad stuff.  Of course, I'm not suggesting she will completely forget, but I brought this up because it just seems to me that she is perpetuating all the bad things in her mind because she may feel she needs to remember it or something.

I asked her what she thought would happen if she focused on good memories. Specifically safe memories. Of course, those were things from here. I asked her what made her happy and safe. She named foods and holidays. I asked her if there was a season that made her feel safe. She said winter because we stay inside and are warm.

She asked me if her mind was confusing her when it came to the music stuff. Because she really does think it makes her happy and then it makes her mad that she can't hear it. One of the things she said made her feel safe was strawberries.  I asked her if strawberries made her feel mad and scared like the music does. She smiled and said "no".  So, I told her I thought maybe she should think about that when it comes to the music.

She left my room pretty happy and was bubbly for the rest of the night.  I'm not saying that the tapping is transforming her. I'm sure the other shoe will drop, but it helps to let me talk to the real CDQ. Sure she came back and questioned me more about music and I told her I wanted her to focus on things that weren't going to scare her before bedtime. I thought I was going to get THE FLIP...but she stayed regulated, there was a flicker but I had said I wanted her to feel safe and happy when she went to bed and apparently that's what she wanted for tonight as well.

So for now, the ride has slowed and hopefully will come to a complete stop for a little bit. In the meantime, I will be catching my breath. :-)

All about me...

Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me. Why?

Cause I'm getting my groove back and I am going to be totally ready to have it out with the therapist if need be. I'm thinking not... but I've been avoiding the topic all together.

Things have not been well in my house. I have totally adapted the Beyond Consequences Model and I find myself catering to one child's whims constantly.  I'm not saying Beyond Consequences is wrong or doesn't work, but I think that there are times when Nancy Thomas needs to come into play as well, you know?

It was the "I hate that fucking fat bitch", that did it for me today.  For real?  Especially since this fucking fat bitch didn't do anything but breathe.

We have been walking on eggshells in my house for 4 years.  Revolving around one child's need to be everything.

I've realized that she's monopolized my time so much that I only get snippets with the other kids. Anytime they get near me, CDQ has an issue she needs to talk about RIGHT NOW. Or she just turns on me.

My other kids...bless my other kids, they are troopers. They've been silently hanging in there. But I'm tired of finding myself wondering what they are up to. If they still like this or that... I barely get to talk to them between meal times or when I catch them on the way to the bathroom or bed.

It's come to the point where they come and warn me that CDQ is looking for me (to attack me) or they even tell me to hide. They hug me extra hard. Especially SS, she always runs out and hunts me down and hugs me so tight. Especially after a CDQ attack.

I've been gearing up for homeschool and checking their reports etc... So, I know what they've done during the day and I hate that they look so surprised when I say "oh, you had trouble with this, I see." Luckily Hubbins has been helping them with the things they need.

CDQ consumes all my time. If she doesn't get what she wants for anything there is hell to pay. She's acting like a spoiled rotten brat.  She's totally manipulative and I'm just supposed to understand that it's all trauma and fear related?

The stories I hear from the other kids... she's been terrorizing them from back in the day before they even got here, all to get what she wants.

Today, I called the three out: SS, Poufy and the Boy. We sat around at the picnic table and talked.  I asked them if they felt safe here. They said they did, Poufy said she still had bad dreams but she felt mostly safe.  The boy said he felt safe but CDQ scared him sometimes.  The other kids piped up that she was scary and she was mean to them all the time. If they didn't listen to her go on and on about her fantasies she would retaliate by telling them they are ugly or stupid.  She tries to scare them by telling them she's crazy and talking to herself or yelling  at them when they pass her room to get reactions from them.  They don't feel safe when she flips.  They are angry and very upset when she flips on me.

They asked me why she said things like that to me. Why she talks back. I told them I didn't know. I talked to them about maybe CDQ leaving the house. I made sure they understood if CDQ were to leave the house, it wasn't because she was bad or did something bad but because she is sick.

See, I've contemplated taking her to the ER several times this week. Something went wrong at her last therapy session. I've been impatiently waiting to find out. As soon as we left she started ripping into her arms and scalp.  I don't know, I'm curious if they actually started to process her trauma. Maybe that could be the cause.  All I know is no more f'ing Jonas Bros.

See, I didn't want her to listen to that shit to begin with, but she told the therapist it makes her happy. So the therapist started rocking her and giving her a baby bottle while playing the music.

I should've been more forceful but I've been soooo freaking stressed to the point where I've had chest pains and thought maybe I was having a stroke or heart attack.  So, out of desperation, I've just stood back.

That music does not make her happy. She's had dreams and hallucinations where they have threatened to kill her or hurt her. She told me she doesn't feel safe and I told the therapist these things and that I DID NOT want her playing the music for her.

CDQ lives in a fantasyland. She firmly believes she's going to be an actress or singer and in the interest of honestly...neither will be something in her future.  But she takes an illusion that the therapist believes she will be so therefore it is gospel.  She also thinks the therapist is God.

Anyhow, the therapist seems not to hear a word I say because she says, I am going to play them for her today while giving her a bottle.  ARGH!!

That was the last session.

These stupid people do NOT make her happy. The music makes her feel inadequate, worthless, scared, ugly, angry.  This is the way she acts. She always lashes out against me too. She has this weird idea of normal. She believes I need to buy her music, an mp3 player, a cell phone, any clothes she wants, etc... I've said no. She's 10.

Tomorrow, I say no more.

The other thing apparently the therapist has green eyes. CDQ draws everything with green eyes now.  She has successfully bonded with her AT. Grreat.

Seems the only bonding thing the AT can come up with is something I physically can not do.  Thanks for nothing.

I was feeling great the week before last, the best I felt in years and I came home to a kid who was bent on destroying that feeling for me. The reason I say that is because she flung herself on me and kept throwing herself down on me repeatedly. This wasn't a hold, this was rocking her. I made the mistake of telling her it hurt and she did it even harder. Keep in mind this kid is almost as tall as me and weighs over half of what I weigh,  I ended up rocking her as she did this anyway and jacked myself up for the past two weeks. No more remission for me, nothing but flare ups exacerbated by her attitude. As soon as she flips on me, my heart falls into my stomach, I feel nauseous, my hands get ice cold and I can't focus anymore. I get tense and my joints hurt so bad.

I don't feel like things are any better. I think I was just taught to be submissive and take her abuse.

Not ok.

I have PTSD and more recently I feel like I may be depressed.

One child has done this to me.  Sure the others have given me a hard time, but consistently it's CDQ who continues to terrorize.

I'm tired of it and I am done. I am so glad the kids aren't taking her abuse as hard as I am. Maybe they are used to her or maybe they are just used to abuse.

I warned the other kids that things might get tough. CDQ is going to start experiencing life like everyone else. If she can't keep it together I am NOT going to keep the other kids from doing things to avoid her BS.  For example, if she's having a hard day and the other kids want to go outside but I know she will hurt them if she goes outside or she will attack me if I keep her inside, I just keep everyone inside.  No more. They are going to go outside and she can just rage inside if she wants.

I am the fucking parent.  ME.

Whether she wants me to be or anyone else. I signed on the damn line, ya know? I get the punches.  I deal with everything. I want to start experiencing the joy of parenting that my husband gets or anyone else for that matter.

One thing that has been bothering me for months...

I tried to explain to the therapist that I was having a hard time being "Mom" to my sister's kids.  I don't know if any of you can relate to that idea, but for me it's very confusing and mixed up. Sure I do "Mom"  things, but I am their Aunt not their mother.   The lines had already been drawn a long time ago.

I told her if they wanted it, I was all for it.  But it's just hard for me to switch into that role and force the ones who don't.

She told me she didn't understand what I was saying.  Um, ok.

Then she took it a step further and said " I guess I just love all kids."

WTF?

So because I am the biological Aunt and I think it's weird to become their mother I don't love them?  How is that even logical? Because I believe their mother is their mother no matter what a paper says or what she's done to them, I don't love them?  (I believe some people refer to them as first mothers)

It was hard for me to swallow what she was saying... I know kids have these issues, you know? I know I'm not the only one who is having this transition tough. I can't be.  Most women go into adoption hoping and wishing because they feel they will become mothers. That was not my situation. My kids weren't looking for another mother either.  I know it's been four years but none of us were expecting permanency.  We are all still a little dumbstruck. How is that hard to believe and what does it have to do with loving?

That's been bothering me since the words came out of her mouth.

 I wish I had alternatives. I wish I had another AT I could try. But this is it.  I've been working so hard to keep her out of RTC but now I'm worried I'm not doing the right thing for her and the other kids by doing that. I'm worried that I'm keeping her out of RTC for selfish reasons.  I don't want her to be labeled, I don't want her to be hurt or learn new things in RTC.  But maybe she needs to be somewhere with 24/7 care. Maybe this is one of those situations where all the siblings shouldn't have been adopted together. I don't know.

All I do know is that I am picking myself up (yet again) and dusting myself off but this time...this time, I actually feel a little stronger. All the things I was afraid of, I'm tired of being afraid of. I'm tired of living in the "if".

A couple of things my therapist said to me struck home. She said sometimes when you worry so much about things you actually bring those things to you.  She also said that when they send out a team of rescue people they never put their people in danger of being killed because if something happens to the rescue people then no one gets saved.  Another thing my yoga instructor said is that "nobody will take care of you, but you."

I'm miserable and I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore. So if it's gonna come or happen, well bring it.  Because I am tired of waiting for the other foot to fall. I am tired of living life as though I am a door mat and I am tired of the abuse.

When fear collides...

Hello, my name is Sasha and I'm a dumb@$$.

Remember, that post where I ended with the words "my eyes are open"?  Well let's just say my allergies clouded them over for a few.

Apparently I share the same condition as my children.  I scared the crap out of myself with the idea of what CDQ was going to do to tear apart our family. She has been so hateful and accusing. That day that I drove her to the therapist she acted all smug-like. I was sure she had a whole set of lies to get herself out of our home. Because she is a child and is unaware of the weight of her words, I was terrified by whatever lies she would conjure up.

CDQ did not let me see her, the real her.  I didn't understand that her hatefulness and heartlessness was a coverup for protection.  I kept telling myself that she was scared and I would tell her too that she was scared. But somewhere it got jumbled and I started to believe her. I think it had to do with my fear of being unable to protect the other children and my husband from her.

Anyhow, last Friday the therapist had given me "prescriptions" to work on with CDQ.  10-20-10 of undivided attention. Meaning give her 10 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes during the day and 10 minutes at night and to tell her at night that I loved her and was glad she was in our family and that I would always be there for her.  Then last appointment when both CDQ and I met with her, she wanted me to lightly rub CDQ's temples, run my fingers along the curve of the skull behind the ear, along her shoulder, down her arm ending on the front of her hand between her pinky and ring finger.

I will confess that I wasn't able to do it. I haven't even been able to look her in the eye. When I woke up today, I thought I could just run away. After I poured my heart out to the bestest Hubbins ever and went out to grab some dinner, I felt a release.

So tonight, I trudged into her room bracing myself for the abuse.  I saw the fear in her eyes when I came into the room. She was lying down and sat up quickly. You could say we both braced ourselves.  I told her I was there to do what the therapist said we should do.  I pretended like I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do and I let her show me on herself.  I did a brief recap of appropriate and inappropriate touching just in case (did I mention that I am terrified of her making something up? I did. ok.) Then I did it on her noting the pokiness of her ears, etc... That made her giggle, but I could tell there was something else going on.  I could see in her eyes the shift. I was dealing with the real CDQ now.

All of a sudden she was talking nonstop without pause.  Not in the combative way either.  I was worried she was going into a form of a hysteria...you know the one where people talk and don't breathe or stop? That one... But I realized this is exactly what the therapist was talking about when she said "it oozes out of her".  I had never seen this side of her.  I could smell her fear. She was sweating and I realized what she meant when she said she always has a fever.  She never does but she's so scared she's sweating but she thinks it's from a fever.

She was talking about how at night Freddy, Michael, Jason, the devil and her bio father get together in her room but from hell. (Yes, she's seen all those movies and more. ) She hears their voices from the floor discussing whose going to come up and kill her or how she is going to go to hell anyway.  I forgot "IT' the clown. I haven't seen the movie but he's part of  it too and she sees clowns on her wall and outside her window. The clowns tell her they are there to protect her but they smile at her scary and she's not sure she can trust them.

She also hears boys talking and telling her things, like if she looks down she's going to see certain things or if she doesn't do what they say (mainly looking at scary things she imagines are there) or closes or eyes she will regret it.

She thinks the Littlest Pet Shop Monkey on her wall is angry at her because it thinks she stares at it. Her baby alive doll scared her and she was mean to it and threw it and now she thinks the doll hates her and she's scared of it.

This was just the tip of the iceberg.  I reassured her she had done nothing to have a spot in hell and that no one could say to her that she wasn't going to heaven or that she was going to hell.  I addressed this first because that's when the tears started falling, when she thought she was going to hell.

I mainly let her get it out and then I asked her if I could hug her and I held her tightly and reassured her that she was going to be ok and that I would do everything I could to help her feel safe. She was clinging to me when I told her she should have let me know about the doll, I would never make her keep it in the room. I told her I was sure that the doll understood and didn't hold anything against her.  I also asked her if she only saw these things in the dark or if it happened when the light was on too. We decided to leave the light on for now.

I just checked on her and she is out. Normally she is huddled in a fetal position with her back against the wall and she is wide awake. Right now, her foot is hanging off the bed her hands are out in different directions and she hasn't moved an inch. Her monitor sits here on my desk and I can usually hear her tossing and turning.  I haven't heard that tonight.

I took the doll out and the Littlest Pet shop decals from the wall out too. Unfortunately, she feels every doll stares at her. I'm not sure a lovey is the right answer right now.  She even thinks the penguin on her bedspread stares at her. I had her flip it over and that seems to be better.

There's so much that I am leaving out, she talked about her her bio parents, other relatives who have passed. But I get it now. I really do get it now and I completely understand what the therapist was saying because I am sure this is the CDQ she saw.  I am certain it is.

Here I was sitting imagining my kids being taken away and Hubbins having to go into a home. For those who aren't familiar, this stems from the previous "therapist" who threatened that she could report me but would not tell me why.  I think it was a mind game she was trying to play on me and I guess it worked.

Anyhow, I still feel at a loss because I am not sure how to make her feel safe. I wish I could take all these fears from her and put them into her bio parents heads in such a way that it would transform into their greatest fears and that they would be plagued with the damn things forever.

Attachment Therapists or The crazies, Part 5

This is part 5 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here

Part two is here

Part three is here:

Part four is here:

===============================================
I told you guys I had a lot to say.  I'm just picking up on the recent stuff.  This is so exhausting and draining.  I know it's a lot to read... but I thank you for "listening" and I thank QueenMommy for being so open and honest about her feelings in her last post and helping me feel like this something I need to sit down and do.

When I spoke to the intake specialist, I told her that I needed to know how to go about disrupting an adoption. I had to go back to the beginning and explain what was going on, list to her all CDQ's disorders, etc...

She asked me if I wanted to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I'll be honest with you and anyone else who asks. No. I didn't. I told her about the last "play therapist" and the triangulation and told her that I just don't think I could go through that again. I needed someone who was trained in RAD.

Are you sitting down?


I am almost about to cry... I said that flippantly to her  because there were never "RAD specialists", in fact the only one who was the closest to knowing anything more than what it stood for was the doc that prescribed the meds who worked for this place but she didn't do therapy. She mentioned they worked on attachment issues there at the center, I believe, but I was so beaten up by the last therapist and the lack of cooperation with the insurance company and the kids meds that I decided to try to figure it out myself back then.

They have TWO therapists who work with RAD kids and there is a woman therapist who she was thinking of for CDQ.   This woman works exclusively with RAD kids.

I was fighting back becoming a blubbering idiot over the phone with the intake person.  She told me she had asked all the questions she needed and she would be passing the info to the director for his decision on whether they could take CDQ on.

I didn't hear from them that day.

Yesterday at lunch, I couldn't even make eye contact with CDQ. I knew it was stupid...but I'm serious when I say no matter what I do, I'm doing something to her, even if I'm not even acknowledging her. Or more precisely as Hubbins puts it. "There's something about you where she just keeps coming after you and attacking you."

Any how, all of sudden she's dying to talk to me. She's doing the equivalent of getting in my face (at least as close as she will let herself to me) and telling me what she thinks I want to hear.

I sat there and even though I had no facial reaction on the outside, I was cussing myself out on the inside... I was yelling at myself because, I mean, isn't this what got us to RAD in the first place in a way. Her mother rejecting her and ignoring her? I'm just like my freaking sister!  Aren't I? I'm doing the same damage! She's trying to reach out and here I am being a dumb@$$.

So, indeed like a dumb@$$. I took the bait.  I answered her and then she asked me if she could talk to me later.  I told her not if it was going to end up in an argument. She said "Oh, well, nevermind." I said "ok." and then she went on to tell me that it was probably going to make me mad and yell.  I told her I already knew it wouldn't because I will not let her upset me.  I also told her if it was about her leaving, it won't happen anytime soon, if at all and I'm not upset about it.

Because Lord only knows what kind of pleasure she would get out of thinking she's able to get a rise out of me.  It may be her problem because I used to let myself get all worked up and feel so bad for her, etc...but I really physically can't any more. Trauma and stress exacerbate my RA and sends me into flare ups. Then I'm no good for anyone.  I stopped letting her get to me to the point of panic attacks around last Thanksgiving.  Then when Hubbins was in the hospital and almost died, I let all that crap go because     I had all that time alone to see what a toll it was taking on me to have nurses telling me it was too much and looking at me with pity.   I had a chance to see the mess I've become and to know it's sooooo not working or making any difference to anyone.

I got a call late yesterday from the intake person. YES! They will take CDQ and she will have the female therapist.

Then I thought she said that the first time she wanted to see us together and then she would see CDQ separately.

I have to tell you, first that I am absolutely terrified to do this therapy thing, but I know it is absolutely necessary.

I told her immediately that the therapist would not ever be seeing CDQ alone because I know that children with RAD should never be left with the therapist alone.

She stumbled....and here's the part where I look like the lunatic. She had said that the therapist wanted to meet with me separately first so for me not to bring CDQ with me the first time.

Um, PARANOID MUCH??? *blush*

I'm not kidding when I say the last therapist totally pulled a mindf-- over all of us.

I have to say, I'm already liking her and I've never spoken to her. Could be my first mistake already.  The last therapist met with me and each of the kids. She had me describe their RAD (= negative) behaviors in front of them and then went down a list of behaviors and she asked the kids if they did those things.... yup one at a time...each child.

That's when the trouble really began...especially with the bathroom issues...crapping and peeing in the bedrooms, etc...

I'm very nervous because if the new therapist is a trained attachment therapist and she sees through CDQ...does that mean I am going to have to bring an angry violent child back home with me so she can terrorize my other regulated children now?

I am totally about admitting my mistakes, but I'm wondering if I should be so quick to put all my cards on the table? That's what the last therapist tried to use against me in the end.

Plus, I'm calling out to all of you. I am in dire need of advice regarding attachment therapists. What do I look for? What's ok and what's not?  What should I know?

Please help... If you don't know or know of someone who would have some stuff to share, forward this to them and ask them if they'd be willing to enlighten me. My appointment is on the 26th. I want to go in to it with my eyes wide open this time.

It's the last thread I am holding on to. Just a few weeks ago before all hell broke loose, she sat on my bed, knees touching, she held my hand as we watched Amazing Race. The weekend before that she sat at my feet with her head resting on my leg. My heart won't let me believe because of those shared moments, she's punishing us both.

The crazies, Part 4

This is part 4 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

Part three is here.

Part five is here.

=============

So the next day (yes we are getting closer to today).  I needed some help.  I needed at least two kids to help me.

CDQ jumped up that she wanted to help, but I chose Poufy and SS. I told CDQ that I know that she doesn't want to be around people and I needed two kids for the job and that's why I didn't choose her.

She had nothing to say about that.

At mealtimes, I have two kids that eat so fast they end up choking. The boy and Poufy. I had resolved that (or so I thought) by having them recite a math problem (i.e times tables) between bites.  I thought I was extra clever by having another child check the problem. So, Poufy would say 5x5 is 25 and CDQ would say it's right or it's wrong and then they would both take a bite.

Well, CDQ took this as an opportunity to control Poufy by taking her sweet time answering her whether the problem was wrong or right. I didn't know that because she didn't do that when I was at the table. I'm not always at the table with them because I'm feeding Hubbins in bed if he isn't able to get up that day.

So, when it came time for lunch, I told them that SS or the oldest would be checking Poufy's problems from now on (she's slowed down, but not enough to stop the choking)  which worked out nicely actually since they both need a refresher on multiplication problems and couldn't care less to control anyone.

All of a sudden, there CDQ is answering before anyone else gets a chance.  That time it was the oldest. I said "Wow, if I had known that all I needed to do was give the job to someone else and then she (CDQ) would want to spend time with you guys, I would have done it a long time ago." Well, then she stopped.

I find myself getting irritated but not.  I register the feeling but it's also like I just don't care anymore. Why try anymore when she's not going to let it get through?

At least that's how I felt at that moment. She took that moment to tell me she wants a new home.  She doesn't want to live here any more. She wants to live somewhere fun (read: where she gets to do what she wants...where she hasn't burned her bridges and she thinks she will get her way). I asked her if she really thought it was going to be better some place else. If she really thought she could treat people the way she wants to and get away with it?

This was not said in anger, sadness, or anything like that. I was like in a numb state and it was probably said in a low monotone voice because I am drained.  She didn't answer me, so I started to get up to leave the table and I told her I'll see what I can do.

She started crying and yelling at me that I'm mad at her and that I'm yelling at her.

This is her way of putting everything on me.  I feel like I don't even have the strength to yell, if I even cared anymore to argue with her.  Which I haven't in a long time.

I told her I wasn't mad at her at all and that still- I'm not yelling at her.

What can I do?  Some people might have seen a ton of ways I could've approached the problem. But by then, I was done. I needed a break and I didn't want to play the blame game with her.  It's circular and a waste of time.

I started feeling like maybe she would be better some place else. Some place where she is the only kid.  But I started to worry because what if she didn't end up an only, what if she hurt other kids? What if she grew up to be just like her mother?

Because honestly guys... that's what put me into my numbness. It's like living in the same house with my sister again.  The same self-issue problems, the same anger problems, the same jealousy, hatred and narcism.  My sister and her need to be everything and control everything tore our family apart. She was the beginning and the end. When we were children she did everything to put everyone at odds and it was always about her.  She made my Mom feel so guilty and so worthless that she quit parenting everyone.  She shut down.

Then when we all grew up and got away from her, she did her best to ruin things when we did come together...and now with this...she still talks shit about me. She says I took her children. She takes no responsibility for any of this.  She plays the martyr and that has torn our family apart. My other two sisters defend me. My mom insists that their bio mother is her child.  I know she's your child, but she's abusive and sometimes-- child or not-- you need to let go.  She's an adult- 30 is too old.  Your grandchildren need you... she made her choices.  Why do you let her guilt and manipulate you still?

I sit and think these things and I realize...I have four other children. FOUR.  Do I let her destroy them? or do I let the one go and take only herself down?

I choose to be not like my mother. I will not let CDQ destroy this family.  If it comes to it, I will be sad for her. But my other children need a chance. After I finish this series on CDQ, I want to write all about how my other children have blossomed.

When I started to imagine what it would be like without CDQ here... I realized, my other children don't need the door alarms anymore, they don't need the cameras anymore, they don't even need the baby monitors anymore.  There are still meltdowns and tantrums but they are appropriate. They are common sibling issues when you share a room, bathroom, toys, etc...  they still have issues but they are more PTSD related than anything else.

The other thing, I found out the boy stopped running down the hall and yelling "Good Morning Mom and Dad!" because CDQ told him he was stupid because he did that.  I found out she tells SS that she's a kiss butt because she likes to stand beside me and hang on me and hug me and tell me she love, love, loves me.  CDQ told Poufy she was dumb for calling me Mom too.

I've noticed that CDQ hates when we are all laughing and joking. We were looking at Valentine's day pics on my computer and laughing  at the faces that we captured them making and she stood there biting her finger nails giving us all dirty looks. She said "Can you guys please stop laughing!" Poufy told her "No, this is family togetherness!"  So bittersweet- sad and proud.

At dinner the other day, we were laughing so hard because the oldest was supposed to be listening to Poufy's math and as she said in her own words she was "used to tuning her out" and then she passed gas and was mortified. Nasty but so funny because I said " You were tuning something out" and Hubbins chimed in "It's still out of tune!"  (No, we don't usually laugh at that kind of stuff, esp. at the dinner table...but it was one of those things) I realized that CDQ got up and she was going through stuff in the kitchen that she's not supposed to be. She probably moved things too.

Anyhow, that day when I got up from the table, I came to my room and tried to call the doctor that used to prescribe the kids meds. It's the only doctor I could think of who could possibly help.  She wasn't in and they told me my chances of speaking with her where nonexistent because of her tight schedule so I told the receptionist I needed to know about disruption.

This led to a conversation with the intake specialist...

The Crazies, Part 3- The day after.

This is part 3 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

Part four is here.

Part five is here.

============

The next morning there was hostility at the breakfast table from the other kids toward CDQ. They don't like the way she treats me or them.

I decided we were going to have a family meeting.  I told them that they needn't worry or be mad at CDQ about the other day because I truly wasn't mad then nor was I mad now. It was a new day and as far as I am concerned yesterday was the past and there's nothing we can do to change it.  It's done.

Probably not the best approach, but I thought about it and like I said in my previous post. I dunno what I could have done which, BTW, I am totally open to any suggestions or advice and won't take offense because I know we are all in different situations and see things differently and when we offer up something we don't mean to criticize or give bad advice, etc... it's all in the best interest of the child. Which is why I am putting this out there.

CDQ told me she wasn't mad anymore either. That she thinks it was because she had a dream the night before the incident where she saw her bio mom's face and she (bio mom) was screaming at her (CDQ) but it was my voice that her bio mom had.  That's when the oldest chimed in that she had the SAME dream except it was my face and her bio mom's voice.  (Well that's just f'in great, isn't it?) I asked the oldest when hers was and guess what? It was the night before my birthday, you know, my birthday the day that the oldest blew up and told me she hated me out of nowhere? Yeah, that day. I pointed that out to her (the oldest) and I could see she was stunned. She doesn't believe she has any issues regarding her bio mother.

Anyhow, CDQ and I had talked about her behavior towards others. She's totally in the pushing people away phase before they can hurt her.  She keeps saying she doesn't want to be around people and doesn't like people but her actions aren't saying that. Her actions are saying that she is hurting because she wants to be a part of it and she doesn't know how.

I've likened it to the fact that she is seems to be stuck in the terrible twos stage mentally. She tantrums and gets angry when people don't do what she wants just like a toddler who doesn't get the toy they want or whatnot.

I told the other kids that we were going to talk about the way CDQ makes them feel but we aren't going to use mean words or faces. We aren't going to attack her, we are just going to talk to her and let her know.

Well holy hell, I had no idea what she had done to them. I mean, I knew she had pushed the boy onto a barrel cactus in the past because he was in line to get in the car ahead of her and she wanted to get in first. I had heard about how she laughed when he got up with needles embedded in his stomach and was screaming...he was 2.  That I heard from MY youngest sister.

My other sister had also told me about how she caught CDQ trying to force Poufy and my nephew (her son) to kiss and touch each other.  I don't know if she succeeded only they know. I don't know if my sister would ever tell me the truth to that extent, like if something did happen. I think she would choose to keep it a secret and pretend it never happened.

So I kind of expected some things to be bad.  So yeah, she bites them, she puts her fist up to her face to intimidate them, she yells at them, she flips them off, she's touched some of them, etc... those are the things since they've moved here. Before that, it was worse. Most couldn't say for themselves. One thing they all had to share was how CDQ stabbed SS in the back with a knife.  Even the oldest was traumatized by that.

She said they were unloading the dishwasher somewhere and CDQ wanted to put something away that SS had. She tried to take it from her and SS refused and turned to put it away and that's when CDQ grabbed a knife from the dishwasher and stabbed her. The oldest said she started screaming because blood was gushing out of SS. No one took SS to the ER, no one reprimanded CDQ. I guess they all just swept it under the rug.

This gave me insight as to why SS was so unwilling to stand up for herself and challenge anything. I had no idea.

A long time ago, their bio mother tried to slice my wrist with a butter knife because someone had said something about her and I thought it was funny and laughed. She was that mad about it and she just flipped like a switch.

After they poured out their abuses. I explained to CDQ that I hadn't realized she had treated them so badly. I told her I was worried because she was abusing them and I asked her if she wanted to be like the people who have abused her.  She didn't answer me.

I asked the kids if they had ever had a chance to see the real CDQ. The one that likes to read and play etc... they said they had. I said if that CDQ wanted to hang out with you guys would you be open to that?

At first they were saying no, until Poufy hit it on the head. She said as long as CDQ wasn't mean or didn't hurt them, they liked including her. But she always gets mad.

Of course, CDQ was all about how she wanted to be alone and didn't want to play with them anyway.

I keep trying to make her understand that she can feel that way today but who knows when that will change. I keep trying to tell her she is 10 right now and when she is 15 she will be different and when she's 23 she'll be even more different.  This is just how she feels for now.

So I told her...when you guys are older, don't you want to be at their weddings? Don't you want to meet your nieces and nephews and be part of all that.

She was adamant that she did and she couldn't wait to be an Aunt.  I asked her if she thought that her siblings would let her around their children if they thought she was going to do the same thing to their children that she did to them.

That made her think.

I told her that they just opened the door for her. They said they were willing to give her another chance. I explained to her that the ball was in her court to change things. I told her she was the only one who could change it.

So what does she do?

She farts and says "Oh, that smells good! That's the best I've ever farted!" and she starts taking deep breaths.

I looked at the kids and it was like a sea of disbelief. I explained to them that it was too much for her to handle right now and that's why she's doing this.

I turned to her and told her, fine, if she wanted to be left alone I'd see what I could do. But she wasn't going to hurt anyone anymore.

The Crazies, Part 2

This is part 2 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here.

Part three is here.

Part four is here.

Part five is here.

====================
Just to clarify, in the previous post when I was talking about CDQ taking her own life, we were talking about a mental institution not suicide or a facility where she would be kept.  Not suicide.

Although we might as well get on with the story...which I can pick up on her total meltdown. Almost a week before we saw the doctor, she did really awful on her school assignments. It was about suffixes, prefixes, root words, and dictionary use. We are talking not one thing right in the unit. She didn't ask a question from me nothing.

I asked her what she didn't understand about her assignment and that's when she decided it was time to attack me verbally. First she started out by ignoring me when I was trying to explain the assignment. I told her if she didn't want to listen she could just leave and I would move on with the other kids.  So she went on about how she was listening and she just didn't want to look at me right now.

I should have just sent her to her room. But I was more like "whatever" and went on.  It was clear she wasn't listening as I progressed so I asked her what was wrong. She told me she thinks her answers are right and that I am wrong. She thinks that I don't understand the problems and that I don't know what I am doing.

I laughed. Wrong choice. That just pissed her off. But it turns out that she was already pissed off at me.As I talked to her she accused me of being mad at her, which, at that time I wasn't. Then she accused me of yelling at her...which I wasn't. I thought maybe I was talking too loud. I've explained to them that I might do that because I can't hear myself.

I don't know why I didn't see the signs that this was going to end badly. As I tried to explain how to use definitions and such. She kept verbally attacking me. Hubbins was in the room and told CDQ she was mistaken. I thought maybe if an uninterested third party came in (The oldest) it might make sense...

1.) I will never bring in another child when it comes to CDQ.  For the other kids, sometimes a sibling helps me to see or the child to see miscommunications. It's been really helpful before.

2.) I will not let CDQ verbally abuse me again. I will not sit by and let her attack me time after time.

I didn't get it. She was out for my blood. I thought I could ignore her BS and still teach her what she needed to know schoolwise.  That was until she hit paydirt. She started to attack me like my stepfather used to do when I would tell him I thought he was touching me inappropriately. It hit home and I told her to get out. Not in those words. But cuss words.

She won.

By some coincidence, my mom called about an hour later. I say coincidence because she called me on her lunch break from work. I talked it out with her. I wasn't mad any more and of course I could see the whole picture in hindsight. I was disappointed in myself and to be entirely honest I was scared and shocked because I didn't realize that those words that my stepfather said still had any power over me.  My fight wasn't with CDQ at all and I knew it as soon as I saw her retreat. My anger wasn't with her at all. It felt like it was little me, finally saying the words that were never said to defend myself.

I should have wrote about this sooner because this is where I get hazy.  I've asked Hubbins about it and he said basically we had ended her day because she was attacking everyone that day.

In our house, if you didn't sleep well, you are given a chance to rest or take a nap after we explain that we can tell (usually I know they didn't sleep well because I can see them tossing and turning at night). If you are having a bad day, you are given alone time to sort it out or try and work through it. But when you start attacking other people and won't see reason after explanations are given about the behaviors.  We end your day and wish for you to have a better day tomorrow.

This is after sending yuckies away, etc... and it's the last resort. Usually this happens when their anger  is disrupting everyone and could lead to them smacking each other.  It used to be common but has become very rare in the last 8-10 months.

Anyhow, we had ended CDQ's day and she was bringing her water bottle out of her room. I wasn't in the kitchen but Hubbins and a few of the other kids were. CDQ was screaming at me from the top of her lungs. I don't know what she was saying because I didn't know she was screaming at me. I wasn't in there.

When I heard the screaming, I did go in there because I didn't know what was going on. I still hadn't realized that she was screaming at me. I thought something had happened in there.  But when I saw what she was doing, it didn't matter who she was screaming at. She was out of control, drooling on herself and spitting while she yelled. I remembered that I had to take the child out of the situation before it escalated further and I grabbed her hand and started to lead her out of the kitchen, she pulled away so I grasped her from her shoulders and told her the show was over and we were leaving the kitchen.

I started to lead her out of the kitchen and she literally threw herself on the floor (her mother used to pull that crap.)  But she was and still insists that I threw her on the floor.  The other kids who saw have tried to tell her she's lying but I've asked them to just let it go. Besides, at the time we had the video cameras recording it all.

I tried to pull her up to a standing position the best I could and finally got her to her room. She was hysterical. I still don't know if this was right or wrong, but I let her go on for about 5 minutes or so without saying a word.  I can't tell you what she said because I couldn't understand her.  I did slap her.

Not maliciously. I was not angry with her at all.  But I was at a loss and I thought that it would snap her out of it, just like tv. That is not an excuse and as stupid as it sounds...I don't know what the hell I would do if it happened again because at that moment. She stopped dead in her tracks. No more screaming, no more fake crying. She turned and looked at me dead in the eye and calmly said "You shouldn't have done that. I want you to call the police right now. That's child abuse."

Um, ok... I told her that was not child abuse and I reminded her that the cameras were running and caught everything.  I couldn't help but feel like that was her plan all along. To try and get me to hit her.  Except it didn't quite work out because I never got mad and I didn't even know she was still mad at me or that the whole thing had anything to do with me.

I've explained to her and all my other children lest they think it was abuse... that it might not be the best thing to do, but I've never seen anyone hysterical like that in real life and that's what I've seen done to help a person snap out of it.  I also told her apparently it works because you aren't screaming anymore and you are able to talk to me.  I did tell her that I would find out if there was a different way to take care of that.

I don't know. I've looked things up and I guess probably the best situation is to call an ambulance for her if it happens again. There was mention of restraining or causing pain or soothing and hugging the person.  None of those things seem right to me given our situation.  Getting her to medical attention makes the most sense but how am I supposed to get her in the van and to the ER, I guess?  I don't know. I'm saving that question for the new attachment therapist.

Anyhow, after "the slap", she was able to tell me that she believes she is an evil monster who was born this way and will always be that way and when I told her she wasn't she tried to argue with me but I didn't engage. So she started biting herself and yelling at me that she likes to hurt herself because it feels good and she hides it under her pants.

I told her I wasn't going to stand there and watch her hurt herself and I left the room.  I watched her from the video cameras and after I left she immediately stopped biting herself and started rubbing her spots where she had started biting.

I know for a fact that she's not cutting, scratching or biting anywhere visible. Her Pj's are shorts and a tank top and she likes to spread her legs for effect around here trying to show everyone everything.  There are no marks on her. I don't think she made that connection yet. I haven't mentioned it because the last thing I want to do is make her really do it for effect.


Things I've learned so far-

1.) My child is hurting, I can see it clearly.
2.) I need to figure out how to keep footage of any incidents like these for the protection of everyone. My current system records but it resets when it's full and starts recording over previous stuff.
3.) I need to never be alone with her and keep a close eye on anyone else that is alone with her. I've always been keeping a close eye on her when she's around others, but I didn't realize I was going to have to protect myself in the same way from her as well.

I look at all the things that went wrong in this situation and I still sit here not completely sure how it could have gone differently for the better.

4.) I'm concerned about my lack of feeling when I am around CDQ. I don't feel empty when I think about her or write about her but when I'm near her. I feel disconnected and like I am not myself.