Daughter

I've been sick the last couple of days. The "knocked on your @$$" kind of sick.  It was a combo of queasy stomach, flo visiting, RA flareups hell.  My stomach is still complaining but at least it's not as bad.

Friday, I decided homeschool was having a half day. I had been sick the day before, but it really hit Friday and yesterday. So I sent the kids outside after they finished their packets for the day. (I know sneaky...it's a half day at school but you have to finish a full day of school work!)

Anyhow, the boy, Poufy and CDQ  were outside playing when the boy and Poufy came flying in. They were both talking at the same time and CDQ came running in behind them trying to scream above them.

Of course I knew CDQ had done something again.  This time she decided to share her dream about a man grabbing his weenie and peeing in her mouth.  She knows this is inappropriate.  She's lying to me that she didn't tell the younger ones on purpose.  I was torn between WTF? and why are you abusing them?

See, this is the way I feel... wtf? because where does she get this stuff from? Did it really happen to her? I don't believe someone can dream something like that without having seen it. Which leads to What the hell is wrong with people?!?! I mean peeing---REALLY!?!  Argh.

Then there's the other part of me that gets pissed in a different way. I can see CDQ not wanting to play what ever Poufy and the boy were playing but because they were having fun, she had to spoil it and what better way then to mentally abuse them? I've learned that she's doing it all the time. They have bad dreams when she's around them and who can blame them? She's flipping them off and threatening them with her fist to her face in the hallways where there are no cameras and when I'm not there.

I try my best to limit how many kids are out at a time. But sometimes they get passed me. I tell them to yell or to tell me when it happens, but she scares them.

I keep thinking and even dreaming about my kids. CDQ is running my house. I don't like that. My other kids are flourishing but they are still locked down in a sense. I think in a previous post, I mentioned that they could do without the door alarms and talk restrictions. They can branch out. They've earned trust.

So, Friday after the kids ran in, I decided CDQ needed to come in.  For her birthday we had given her an American Girl sewing project. I sat her down next to me and while I worked on her baby blanket, she worked on the stuffed owl she was supposed to sew.

It was so different. Not CDQ, she lost her patience with me several times because she believes she knows everything even when she is asking for help. But my other children played outside until dinner with no problems. No fights. If they came in it was for water and the bathroom. We could hear them giggling and laughing SO HARD through the intercom. We are talking like 5 hours together with no fights.

I figured something needed to be done. I could see such a difference in them. In my mind I saw the boy crying with his head on the table because he didn't want to leave us.  Yep, CDQ had told him something that made him think he was going to have go.  I reassured him this was his home and no one was going anywhere save for maybe CDQ.  I said that because I don't know and I want it to be clear that it's a possibility BECAUSE she needs help.  The last thing I want is for her to be removed and the others to start wondering when they are next because they figured I lied about anyone going anywhere.

So my solution is... I have a four bedroom house right now. The kids occupy three.  I have put up fabric shower curtains in the rooms to separate each side to try to make it a room of its own.  Poufy and CDQ share one room, the boy and SS share the other and the oldest is in the big room alone.

Today I will be on a mission to find bunk beds. I still believe the oldest needs a room of her own and I will give her the small room. Which by the way, the small room is 10' by 10' with walk in closet. I believe that is standard and the reason why I bring it up is because sometimes I want to wring the oldest's neck. She complained.  I mean, really. I can just move her in with CDQ, turn that room back into my sewing room and call it a day. Right? At least she's getting her own flipping room, you know? But I digress, I want to find bunk beds because I want to put SS, Poufy and the boy in the big room and CDQ in the other small room by herself.

I don't know the dimensions of the big room but when we bought the house it was already painted for Blues Clues, but more importantly, it has vaulted ceilings so I can put a set of bunk beds in there and not have to worry about them taking off their heads with the ceiling fan.

CDQ insists she wants to be alone. She will get to be alone.  She demands to be given what she has earned she will find out what that is. She has been holding the other children back and I stupidly have been letting her. Not anymore.

I'm not going to allow her to control what goes on around here or stunt the growth of the other kids because she doesn't want them to be happy.

I'm not talking about full isolation. But I am going to encourage them all to grow and give the other kids a chance to prove themselves.  This means, I will leave their door open during the day. I will trust them not to steal because when it boils down to it and I think about it...they haven't for almost a year. CDQ has, but not the others. CDQ is still eating from the trash but the others aren't. CDQ is still touching herself but the others aren't.  The others do lie, but it's not automatic anymore. Sometimes lies come out and we talk about it, but for the most part they are being as honest as kids can get when they've done something wrong. CDQ is still blatantly lying and getting violent over it.

No, I don't think they are angels either. They get into disagreements and I let them work it out amongst themselves and they do because their disagreements (without CDQ ) are normal sibling stuff.  I'm proud that they can work it out. I'm not trying to make it sound like CDQ causes everything and we are all unicorns and rainbows without her. I'm just starting to realize the truth about what is really going on here. I was so used to saying "you guys..." but it's not "you guys" anymore and I am so grateful to be seeing it now before the other kids might have given up on me.

I guess I'm hoping for the others to continue to grow and either CDQ will decide she wants to be a part of it or not.

Somebody once told me if I could save one of them it would be worth it all and I thought it was ridiculous.  But now that I have four on the line. I so get it. I understand.

On that note, I will leave you with something I can't remember whether I shared or not.  It was an eye opener. Poufy had come in to tell me good night and she made a point of saying "Mom" loud and clear for CDQ to hear, jokingly I said in the same loud voice she had "Goodnight DAUGHTER!" I listened to hear if CDQ was going to say something to her but instead I heard Poufy skip towards the kitchen and hiss to the other kids. "She called me daughter! I'm her daughter." Even typing that makes me tear up. I had no idea that any of them wanted that.  They had pushed me away so much that I just stayed where I was at not wanting to push them or take anyone else's place.

My eyes are opening.