The crazies, Part 4

This is part 4 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

Part three is here.

Part five is here.

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So the next day (yes we are getting closer to today).  I needed some help.  I needed at least two kids to help me.

CDQ jumped up that she wanted to help, but I chose Poufy and SS. I told CDQ that I know that she doesn't want to be around people and I needed two kids for the job and that's why I didn't choose her.

She had nothing to say about that.

At mealtimes, I have two kids that eat so fast they end up choking. The boy and Poufy. I had resolved that (or so I thought) by having them recite a math problem (i.e times tables) between bites.  I thought I was extra clever by having another child check the problem. So, Poufy would say 5x5 is 25 and CDQ would say it's right or it's wrong and then they would both take a bite.

Well, CDQ took this as an opportunity to control Poufy by taking her sweet time answering her whether the problem was wrong or right. I didn't know that because she didn't do that when I was at the table. I'm not always at the table with them because I'm feeding Hubbins in bed if he isn't able to get up that day.

So, when it came time for lunch, I told them that SS or the oldest would be checking Poufy's problems from now on (she's slowed down, but not enough to stop the choking)  which worked out nicely actually since they both need a refresher on multiplication problems and couldn't care less to control anyone.

All of a sudden, there CDQ is answering before anyone else gets a chance.  That time it was the oldest. I said "Wow, if I had known that all I needed to do was give the job to someone else and then she (CDQ) would want to spend time with you guys, I would have done it a long time ago." Well, then she stopped.

I find myself getting irritated but not.  I register the feeling but it's also like I just don't care anymore. Why try anymore when she's not going to let it get through?

At least that's how I felt at that moment. She took that moment to tell me she wants a new home.  She doesn't want to live here any more. She wants to live somewhere fun (read: where she gets to do what she wants...where she hasn't burned her bridges and she thinks she will get her way). I asked her if she really thought it was going to be better some place else. If she really thought she could treat people the way she wants to and get away with it?

This was not said in anger, sadness, or anything like that. I was like in a numb state and it was probably said in a low monotone voice because I am drained.  She didn't answer me, so I started to get up to leave the table and I told her I'll see what I can do.

She started crying and yelling at me that I'm mad at her and that I'm yelling at her.

This is her way of putting everything on me.  I feel like I don't even have the strength to yell, if I even cared anymore to argue with her.  Which I haven't in a long time.

I told her I wasn't mad at her at all and that still- I'm not yelling at her.

What can I do?  Some people might have seen a ton of ways I could've approached the problem. But by then, I was done. I needed a break and I didn't want to play the blame game with her.  It's circular and a waste of time.

I started feeling like maybe she would be better some place else. Some place where she is the only kid.  But I started to worry because what if she didn't end up an only, what if she hurt other kids? What if she grew up to be just like her mother?

Because honestly guys... that's what put me into my numbness. It's like living in the same house with my sister again.  The same self-issue problems, the same anger problems, the same jealousy, hatred and narcism.  My sister and her need to be everything and control everything tore our family apart. She was the beginning and the end. When we were children she did everything to put everyone at odds and it was always about her.  She made my Mom feel so guilty and so worthless that she quit parenting everyone.  She shut down.

Then when we all grew up and got away from her, she did her best to ruin things when we did come together...and now with this...she still talks shit about me. She says I took her children. She takes no responsibility for any of this.  She plays the martyr and that has torn our family apart. My other two sisters defend me. My mom insists that their bio mother is her child.  I know she's your child, but she's abusive and sometimes-- child or not-- you need to let go.  She's an adult- 30 is too old.  Your grandchildren need you... she made her choices.  Why do you let her guilt and manipulate you still?

I sit and think these things and I realize...I have four other children. FOUR.  Do I let her destroy them? or do I let the one go and take only herself down?

I choose to be not like my mother. I will not let CDQ destroy this family.  If it comes to it, I will be sad for her. But my other children need a chance. After I finish this series on CDQ, I want to write all about how my other children have blossomed.

When I started to imagine what it would be like without CDQ here... I realized, my other children don't need the door alarms anymore, they don't need the cameras anymore, they don't even need the baby monitors anymore.  There are still meltdowns and tantrums but they are appropriate. They are common sibling issues when you share a room, bathroom, toys, etc...  they still have issues but they are more PTSD related than anything else.

The other thing, I found out the boy stopped running down the hall and yelling "Good Morning Mom and Dad!" because CDQ told him he was stupid because he did that.  I found out she tells SS that she's a kiss butt because she likes to stand beside me and hang on me and hug me and tell me she love, love, loves me.  CDQ told Poufy she was dumb for calling me Mom too.

I've noticed that CDQ hates when we are all laughing and joking. We were looking at Valentine's day pics on my computer and laughing  at the faces that we captured them making and she stood there biting her finger nails giving us all dirty looks. She said "Can you guys please stop laughing!" Poufy told her "No, this is family togetherness!"  So bittersweet- sad and proud.

At dinner the other day, we were laughing so hard because the oldest was supposed to be listening to Poufy's math and as she said in her own words she was "used to tuning her out" and then she passed gas and was mortified. Nasty but so funny because I said " You were tuning something out" and Hubbins chimed in "It's still out of tune!"  (No, we don't usually laugh at that kind of stuff, esp. at the dinner table...but it was one of those things) I realized that CDQ got up and she was going through stuff in the kitchen that she's not supposed to be. She probably moved things too.

Anyhow, that day when I got up from the table, I came to my room and tried to call the doctor that used to prescribe the kids meds. It's the only doctor I could think of who could possibly help.  She wasn't in and they told me my chances of speaking with her where nonexistent because of her tight schedule so I told the receptionist I needed to know about disruption.

This led to a conversation with the intake specialist...