All about me...

Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me. Why?

Cause I'm getting my groove back and I am going to be totally ready to have it out with the therapist if need be. I'm thinking not... but I've been avoiding the topic all together.

Things have not been well in my house. I have totally adapted the Beyond Consequences Model and I find myself catering to one child's whims constantly.  I'm not saying Beyond Consequences is wrong or doesn't work, but I think that there are times when Nancy Thomas needs to come into play as well, you know?

It was the "I hate that fucking fat bitch", that did it for me today.  For real?  Especially since this fucking fat bitch didn't do anything but breathe.

We have been walking on eggshells in my house for 4 years.  Revolving around one child's need to be everything.

I've realized that she's monopolized my time so much that I only get snippets with the other kids. Anytime they get near me, CDQ has an issue she needs to talk about RIGHT NOW. Or she just turns on me.

My other kids...bless my other kids, they are troopers. They've been silently hanging in there. But I'm tired of finding myself wondering what they are up to. If they still like this or that... I barely get to talk to them between meal times or when I catch them on the way to the bathroom or bed.

It's come to the point where they come and warn me that CDQ is looking for me (to attack me) or they even tell me to hide. They hug me extra hard. Especially SS, she always runs out and hunts me down and hugs me so tight. Especially after a CDQ attack.

I've been gearing up for homeschool and checking their reports etc... So, I know what they've done during the day and I hate that they look so surprised when I say "oh, you had trouble with this, I see." Luckily Hubbins has been helping them with the things they need.

CDQ consumes all my time. If she doesn't get what she wants for anything there is hell to pay. She's acting like a spoiled rotten brat.  She's totally manipulative and I'm just supposed to understand that it's all trauma and fear related?

The stories I hear from the other kids... she's been terrorizing them from back in the day before they even got here, all to get what she wants.

Today, I called the three out: SS, Poufy and the Boy. We sat around at the picnic table and talked.  I asked them if they felt safe here. They said they did, Poufy said she still had bad dreams but she felt mostly safe.  The boy said he felt safe but CDQ scared him sometimes.  The other kids piped up that she was scary and she was mean to them all the time. If they didn't listen to her go on and on about her fantasies she would retaliate by telling them they are ugly or stupid.  She tries to scare them by telling them she's crazy and talking to herself or yelling  at them when they pass her room to get reactions from them.  They don't feel safe when she flips.  They are angry and very upset when she flips on me.

They asked me why she said things like that to me. Why she talks back. I told them I didn't know. I talked to them about maybe CDQ leaving the house. I made sure they understood if CDQ were to leave the house, it wasn't because she was bad or did something bad but because she is sick.

See, I've contemplated taking her to the ER several times this week. Something went wrong at her last therapy session. I've been impatiently waiting to find out. As soon as we left she started ripping into her arms and scalp.  I don't know, I'm curious if they actually started to process her trauma. Maybe that could be the cause.  All I know is no more f'ing Jonas Bros.

See, I didn't want her to listen to that shit to begin with, but she told the therapist it makes her happy. So the therapist started rocking her and giving her a baby bottle while playing the music.

I should've been more forceful but I've been soooo freaking stressed to the point where I've had chest pains and thought maybe I was having a stroke or heart attack.  So, out of desperation, I've just stood back.

That music does not make her happy. She's had dreams and hallucinations where they have threatened to kill her or hurt her. She told me she doesn't feel safe and I told the therapist these things and that I DID NOT want her playing the music for her.

CDQ lives in a fantasyland. She firmly believes she's going to be an actress or singer and in the interest of honestly...neither will be something in her future.  But she takes an illusion that the therapist believes she will be so therefore it is gospel.  She also thinks the therapist is God.

Anyhow, the therapist seems not to hear a word I say because she says, I am going to play them for her today while giving her a bottle.  ARGH!!

That was the last session.

These stupid people do NOT make her happy. The music makes her feel inadequate, worthless, scared, ugly, angry.  This is the way she acts. She always lashes out against me too. She has this weird idea of normal. She believes I need to buy her music, an mp3 player, a cell phone, any clothes she wants, etc... I've said no. She's 10.

Tomorrow, I say no more.

The other thing apparently the therapist has green eyes. CDQ draws everything with green eyes now.  She has successfully bonded with her AT. Grreat.

Seems the only bonding thing the AT can come up with is something I physically can not do.  Thanks for nothing.

I was feeling great the week before last, the best I felt in years and I came home to a kid who was bent on destroying that feeling for me. The reason I say that is because she flung herself on me and kept throwing herself down on me repeatedly. This wasn't a hold, this was rocking her. I made the mistake of telling her it hurt and she did it even harder. Keep in mind this kid is almost as tall as me and weighs over half of what I weigh,  I ended up rocking her as she did this anyway and jacked myself up for the past two weeks. No more remission for me, nothing but flare ups exacerbated by her attitude. As soon as she flips on me, my heart falls into my stomach, I feel nauseous, my hands get ice cold and I can't focus anymore. I get tense and my joints hurt so bad.

I don't feel like things are any better. I think I was just taught to be submissive and take her abuse.

Not ok.

I have PTSD and more recently I feel like I may be depressed.

One child has done this to me.  Sure the others have given me a hard time, but consistently it's CDQ who continues to terrorize.

I'm tired of it and I am done. I am so glad the kids aren't taking her abuse as hard as I am. Maybe they are used to her or maybe they are just used to abuse.

I warned the other kids that things might get tough. CDQ is going to start experiencing life like everyone else. If she can't keep it together I am NOT going to keep the other kids from doing things to avoid her BS.  For example, if she's having a hard day and the other kids want to go outside but I know she will hurt them if she goes outside or she will attack me if I keep her inside, I just keep everyone inside.  No more. They are going to go outside and she can just rage inside if she wants.

I am the fucking parent.  ME.

Whether she wants me to be or anyone else. I signed on the damn line, ya know? I get the punches.  I deal with everything. I want to start experiencing the joy of parenting that my husband gets or anyone else for that matter.

One thing that has been bothering me for months...

I tried to explain to the therapist that I was having a hard time being "Mom" to my sister's kids.  I don't know if any of you can relate to that idea, but for me it's very confusing and mixed up. Sure I do "Mom"  things, but I am their Aunt not their mother.   The lines had already been drawn a long time ago.

I told her if they wanted it, I was all for it.  But it's just hard for me to switch into that role and force the ones who don't.

She told me she didn't understand what I was saying.  Um, ok.

Then she took it a step further and said " I guess I just love all kids."

WTF?

So because I am the biological Aunt and I think it's weird to become their mother I don't love them?  How is that even logical? Because I believe their mother is their mother no matter what a paper says or what she's done to them, I don't love them?  (I believe some people refer to them as first mothers)

It was hard for me to swallow what she was saying... I know kids have these issues, you know? I know I'm not the only one who is having this transition tough. I can't be.  Most women go into adoption hoping and wishing because they feel they will become mothers. That was not my situation. My kids weren't looking for another mother either.  I know it's been four years but none of us were expecting permanency.  We are all still a little dumbstruck. How is that hard to believe and what does it have to do with loving?

That's been bothering me since the words came out of her mouth.

 I wish I had alternatives. I wish I had another AT I could try. But this is it.  I've been working so hard to keep her out of RTC but now I'm worried I'm not doing the right thing for her and the other kids by doing that. I'm worried that I'm keeping her out of RTC for selfish reasons.  I don't want her to be labeled, I don't want her to be hurt or learn new things in RTC.  But maybe she needs to be somewhere with 24/7 care. Maybe this is one of those situations where all the siblings shouldn't have been adopted together. I don't know.

All I do know is that I am picking myself up (yet again) and dusting myself off but this time...this time, I actually feel a little stronger. All the things I was afraid of, I'm tired of being afraid of. I'm tired of living in the "if".

A couple of things my therapist said to me struck home. She said sometimes when you worry so much about things you actually bring those things to you.  She also said that when they send out a team of rescue people they never put their people in danger of being killed because if something happens to the rescue people then no one gets saved.  Another thing my yoga instructor said is that "nobody will take care of you, but you."

I'm miserable and I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore. So if it's gonna come or happen, well bring it.  Because I am tired of waiting for the other foot to fall. I am tired of living life as though I am a door mat and I am tired of the abuse.

So disappointed...

Started my Beyond Consequences classes tonight. Loved the video part by Heather Forbes (Man have I been reinventing the wheel!)

But I am disappointed and sad because I was led to believe there were going to be other RAD parents there.  There weren't.  Single mothers having trouble with their kids walking all over them, bipolar parents, ADHD parents.  I was the only adoptive parent in the group, had the most kids and the kids with the most problems to boot. *sigh*

I wish I would have known. I would have just done the course online instead of driving all the way.  It's bad enough I don't feel comfortable being that far away in case something happens here at home (over an hour away).

The other thing, I'm not really happy with the therapist. May be my expectations are too high.  Case in point, we get the meeting started by the therapist talking about different situations that we are all in. She was basically saying some parents are new to all this and then there are people like me (used my name to be precise) who she's been working with... um...no.  You see I was given a printed list of websites to peruse, three prescriptions to practice with CDQ and I purchased the book.  I had one meeting with her, she met with CDQ and then I got 10 minutes at the last session at the end. Working with me? How?

Oh, does she mean when she suggested rubbing the place near the collar bones and I said tapping? or when she said sitting quieting and I said strong sitting? or was it when she said for me to touch CDQ to clear the negative energy and I said Reiki?  Because if I were going to say that I was working together with anyone in the form she is claiming, I'd have to say I must've been working with Lisa because I learned about those things from her blog. Ya know?

I could totally relate to Heather Forbes, totally. But I can't help but feel like this is a money thing for our therapist. I shouldn't complain because the kids insurance is paying for it. But I feel like sitting around feeling sorry for the other parents is a waste of time for me. Not because I am better, but because I feel like I need to progress faster than this class.

See, when she asked for what would be something traumatic for a child, all the parents were quick to offer parents arguing, bullying, medical trauma, looking different, etc... My list was something like- death, murder, suicide, domestic violence- sexual, physical, emotional abuse, etc...

When she asked about behaviors people were dealing with- tantrums was the consensus....mine, rages (although thankfully not like they used to be), hoarding, stealing, lying, eating from the trash, manipulation, destruction, etc... You can imagine how people looked at me then. Not that it matters...but you know?

I was really upset when I tried to speak to the therapist after class. See last week after therapy, you could say CDQ and I bonded a little bit when we went to the market afterwards. The situation that caused us to bond was an older gentlemen grabbing CDQs shoulders while saying excuse me and then rubbing her shoulder blade. YES! All that happened right before my eyes, she tensed up, I tensed up. I don't believe the man meant any harm...but holy hell, you just don't do that. If someone did that to me, I would freak out...so that is how we bonded some.

Then today, while she was at the eye doctor, she was very dysregulated. The lady who does the prep work for the eye doctor was very understanding. She saw CDQ flinch when she raised the flashlight to her eyes. I explained to her quickly that CDQ was hypervigilant and therefore in a fight or flight response because of previous abuse. She apologized to her and told her she didn't even think of how that must've looked flying towards her face.  Then the doctor came in. He lectured me (again) about the kids and their glasses. He is very ignorant, in fact on Monday he actually said some children should have their butts beaten. I told him that they were victims of abuse and I hardly thought more abuse was going to solve anything and he actually said "still".  I know, not going back to him after these rounds of visits.

The lady who does the fitting for the glasses is the best, but it just so happened today she decided to tease CDQ of all people about how the binoculars hurt. You know those eye measurement thingys. I know she meant no harm, but yeesh! I explained to her that CDQ was actually the easiest to scare of the bunch and she apologized.

So with that said, I was asking the therapist if there was a way that I could help calm CDQ after these things happened. Sure, I told her she was ok and safe, etc... but was there something specific...well she went on and on about how if the doctor hit his wife it wouldn't be ok but it's ok to hit children... I redirected her and by this time, she was picking up papers. She wanted to add a session this week. I had already told her this week I had eye dr appointments all week and they had been made three months ago.   But I was frustrated because I don't see how making an extra session is giving me any tools to help CDQ when she needs it.  If there aren't any tools, she should have just said so.  But I felt like it was more of a you need to see me when I am on the clock situation. I don't know I could have read it wrong...

I left a tad dysregulated myself. I feel like she doesn't hear me. She dismisses me often before I have finished speaking and when if ever is it going to matter about what is reality and what isn't? I understand Heather Forbes says to just listen to your children and not try to fix them or solve their problems....but what about the situation where CDQ believed one of her teachers died and was mourning this loss and the teacher was alive and well.

I waited until CDQ was regulated to bring it up with her privately, but whatever death she thought had befallen this teacher (one of which she despised but had forgotten that, I mean really, I had to go to the school and request the teacher not be in the same room) was troubling her for the longest and after I told her I saw the teacher at the store and she's fine, she realized it was a dream and seemed relieved.  If I hadn't seen the notes by the therapist by chance, I wouldn't have even known about that at all. She would still be worrying about it. Is that right?

I'm hoping the EMDR will be a huge help for CDQ and that the rest of the Heather Forbes cds are helpful, but I feel anything else just isn't in the cards.

Bummer.

Things that stuck with me from the video:

- Just listen to your kids, don't offer solutions.
- You don't have to fix your children.
- Meet them in the place they are at now and guide them from there.
- Controlling kids adds more fear.
- Three things used to help regulate:
     Food, exercise, and breathing

PS... after typing that, I wondered if maybe the solution to helping CDQ calm down after incidents is to just have her breathe.  I had her do that at the eye doctor today because she was holding her breath. Hmmmm....

Attachment Therapists or The crazies, Part 5

This is part 5 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here

Part two is here

Part three is here:

Part four is here:

===============================================
I told you guys I had a lot to say.  I'm just picking up on the recent stuff.  This is so exhausting and draining.  I know it's a lot to read... but I thank you for "listening" and I thank QueenMommy for being so open and honest about her feelings in her last post and helping me feel like this something I need to sit down and do.

When I spoke to the intake specialist, I told her that I needed to know how to go about disrupting an adoption. I had to go back to the beginning and explain what was going on, list to her all CDQ's disorders, etc...

She asked me if I wanted to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I'll be honest with you and anyone else who asks. No. I didn't. I told her about the last "play therapist" and the triangulation and told her that I just don't think I could go through that again. I needed someone who was trained in RAD.

Are you sitting down?


I am almost about to cry... I said that flippantly to her  because there were never "RAD specialists", in fact the only one who was the closest to knowing anything more than what it stood for was the doc that prescribed the meds who worked for this place but she didn't do therapy. She mentioned they worked on attachment issues there at the center, I believe, but I was so beaten up by the last therapist and the lack of cooperation with the insurance company and the kids meds that I decided to try to figure it out myself back then.

They have TWO therapists who work with RAD kids and there is a woman therapist who she was thinking of for CDQ.   This woman works exclusively with RAD kids.

I was fighting back becoming a blubbering idiot over the phone with the intake person.  She told me she had asked all the questions she needed and she would be passing the info to the director for his decision on whether they could take CDQ on.

I didn't hear from them that day.

Yesterday at lunch, I couldn't even make eye contact with CDQ. I knew it was stupid...but I'm serious when I say no matter what I do, I'm doing something to her, even if I'm not even acknowledging her. Or more precisely as Hubbins puts it. "There's something about you where she just keeps coming after you and attacking you."

Any how, all of sudden she's dying to talk to me. She's doing the equivalent of getting in my face (at least as close as she will let herself to me) and telling me what she thinks I want to hear.

I sat there and even though I had no facial reaction on the outside, I was cussing myself out on the inside... I was yelling at myself because, I mean, isn't this what got us to RAD in the first place in a way. Her mother rejecting her and ignoring her? I'm just like my freaking sister!  Aren't I? I'm doing the same damage! She's trying to reach out and here I am being a dumb@$$.

So, indeed like a dumb@$$. I took the bait.  I answered her and then she asked me if she could talk to me later.  I told her not if it was going to end up in an argument. She said "Oh, well, nevermind." I said "ok." and then she went on to tell me that it was probably going to make me mad and yell.  I told her I already knew it wouldn't because I will not let her upset me.  I also told her if it was about her leaving, it won't happen anytime soon, if at all and I'm not upset about it.

Because Lord only knows what kind of pleasure she would get out of thinking she's able to get a rise out of me.  It may be her problem because I used to let myself get all worked up and feel so bad for her, etc...but I really physically can't any more. Trauma and stress exacerbate my RA and sends me into flare ups. Then I'm no good for anyone.  I stopped letting her get to me to the point of panic attacks around last Thanksgiving.  Then when Hubbins was in the hospital and almost died, I let all that crap go because     I had all that time alone to see what a toll it was taking on me to have nurses telling me it was too much and looking at me with pity.   I had a chance to see the mess I've become and to know it's sooooo not working or making any difference to anyone.

I got a call late yesterday from the intake person. YES! They will take CDQ and she will have the female therapist.

Then I thought she said that the first time she wanted to see us together and then she would see CDQ separately.

I have to tell you, first that I am absolutely terrified to do this therapy thing, but I know it is absolutely necessary.

I told her immediately that the therapist would not ever be seeing CDQ alone because I know that children with RAD should never be left with the therapist alone.

She stumbled....and here's the part where I look like the lunatic. She had said that the therapist wanted to meet with me separately first so for me not to bring CDQ with me the first time.

Um, PARANOID MUCH??? *blush*

I'm not kidding when I say the last therapist totally pulled a mindf-- over all of us.

I have to say, I'm already liking her and I've never spoken to her. Could be my first mistake already.  The last therapist met with me and each of the kids. She had me describe their RAD (= negative) behaviors in front of them and then went down a list of behaviors and she asked the kids if they did those things.... yup one at a time...each child.

That's when the trouble really began...especially with the bathroom issues...crapping and peeing in the bedrooms, etc...

I'm very nervous because if the new therapist is a trained attachment therapist and she sees through CDQ...does that mean I am going to have to bring an angry violent child back home with me so she can terrorize my other regulated children now?

I am totally about admitting my mistakes, but I'm wondering if I should be so quick to put all my cards on the table? That's what the last therapist tried to use against me in the end.

Plus, I'm calling out to all of you. I am in dire need of advice regarding attachment therapists. What do I look for? What's ok and what's not?  What should I know?

Please help... If you don't know or know of someone who would have some stuff to share, forward this to them and ask them if they'd be willing to enlighten me. My appointment is on the 26th. I want to go in to it with my eyes wide open this time.

It's the last thread I am holding on to. Just a few weeks ago before all hell broke loose, she sat on my bed, knees touching, she held my hand as we watched Amazing Race. The weekend before that she sat at my feet with her head resting on my leg. My heart won't let me believe because of those shared moments, she's punishing us both.