Journaling...

I mentioned starting a journal with SS in this post.  It's been a success I would say. She has cracked me up on several occasions with the way she thinks.

Case in point-

I know this is scary for an 11 year old, grade level wise- but I will get into that in a minute. I love this post because I can see her thought process and the title was a relief after so many blood drenched nightmares filled with death and murder.

For awhile, I was starting to believe that SS had a learning disability. But, as they say in the book Adopting The Hurt Child,  In the "Lags in Learning" portion. It's a method of survival for the child to act stupid and eventually the child will appear to be stupid.  I'm not saying that SS is stupid... uh uh. That girl is far from it. But her self esteem and confidence is so low, I've been thinking it's the easier way out for her.

We've had some serious conversations in her journal.  She has some profound ideas on life and I've learned she draws her attention from others by being overly sympathetic and caring.  One might not think that would be too bad, but it's not completely sincere and it is taken to the limit.

She saves her "tough talk" for the journal, but to the outside world, she can't break a plate.  Little eye contact, unless she is trying to intimidate and mumbled language.

I struggle with some of my responses to her.  One particular writing comes to mind where she was talking about life and how she views it. Her philosophy on life is what she calls "a hard on life."

I struggled because she was writing with such emotion and such depth I was hurting for her until I found myself laughing almost uncontrollably over that one line (stress release maybe?) Don't worry, I never read it in front of her.   I believe she meant hard KNOCK life, like from Annie.  I struggled with whether to correct her when she was opening up so much. I decided against it, although I think I should possibly revisit it or have her watch Annie to see if she picks up on it. It might be unfortunate for her to repeat that to someone else later on down the line, you know?

I'm still contemplating journal writing with the others. I don't want it to be forced and I definitely don't want it to become another way for them to attack me.

I do know that I will definitely be keeping this journal and any others that follow for SS to have when she is older. Even though on the outside she doesn't appear to be changing much. There is definitely a revolution taking place inside her. The anger, her desire to be in charge of herself and not follow what others want or expect of her.  She's fighting for herself and her independence from her siblings and it scares her.

I'll be there, rooting for her all the way and helping her get back on track when she loses her path. I actually feel honored to be able to see this happening. Maybe not in the day to day stuff but most definitely through the big picture.