The Crazies, Part 2

This is part 2 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here.

Part three is here.

Part four is here.

Part five is here.

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Just to clarify, in the previous post when I was talking about CDQ taking her own life, we were talking about a mental institution not suicide or a facility where she would be kept.  Not suicide.

Although we might as well get on with the story...which I can pick up on her total meltdown. Almost a week before we saw the doctor, she did really awful on her school assignments. It was about suffixes, prefixes, root words, and dictionary use. We are talking not one thing right in the unit. She didn't ask a question from me nothing.

I asked her what she didn't understand about her assignment and that's when she decided it was time to attack me verbally. First she started out by ignoring me when I was trying to explain the assignment. I told her if she didn't want to listen she could just leave and I would move on with the other kids.  So she went on about how she was listening and she just didn't want to look at me right now.

I should have just sent her to her room. But I was more like "whatever" and went on.  It was clear she wasn't listening as I progressed so I asked her what was wrong. She told me she thinks her answers are right and that I am wrong. She thinks that I don't understand the problems and that I don't know what I am doing.

I laughed. Wrong choice. That just pissed her off. But it turns out that she was already pissed off at me.As I talked to her she accused me of being mad at her, which, at that time I wasn't. Then she accused me of yelling at her...which I wasn't. I thought maybe I was talking too loud. I've explained to them that I might do that because I can't hear myself.

I don't know why I didn't see the signs that this was going to end badly. As I tried to explain how to use definitions and such. She kept verbally attacking me. Hubbins was in the room and told CDQ she was mistaken. I thought maybe if an uninterested third party came in (The oldest) it might make sense...

1.) I will never bring in another child when it comes to CDQ.  For the other kids, sometimes a sibling helps me to see or the child to see miscommunications. It's been really helpful before.

2.) I will not let CDQ verbally abuse me again. I will not sit by and let her attack me time after time.

I didn't get it. She was out for my blood. I thought I could ignore her BS and still teach her what she needed to know schoolwise.  That was until she hit paydirt. She started to attack me like my stepfather used to do when I would tell him I thought he was touching me inappropriately. It hit home and I told her to get out. Not in those words. But cuss words.

She won.

By some coincidence, my mom called about an hour later. I say coincidence because she called me on her lunch break from work. I talked it out with her. I wasn't mad any more and of course I could see the whole picture in hindsight. I was disappointed in myself and to be entirely honest I was scared and shocked because I didn't realize that those words that my stepfather said still had any power over me.  My fight wasn't with CDQ at all and I knew it as soon as I saw her retreat. My anger wasn't with her at all. It felt like it was little me, finally saying the words that were never said to defend myself.

I should have wrote about this sooner because this is where I get hazy.  I've asked Hubbins about it and he said basically we had ended her day because she was attacking everyone that day.

In our house, if you didn't sleep well, you are given a chance to rest or take a nap after we explain that we can tell (usually I know they didn't sleep well because I can see them tossing and turning at night). If you are having a bad day, you are given alone time to sort it out or try and work through it. But when you start attacking other people and won't see reason after explanations are given about the behaviors.  We end your day and wish for you to have a better day tomorrow.

This is after sending yuckies away, etc... and it's the last resort. Usually this happens when their anger  is disrupting everyone and could lead to them smacking each other.  It used to be common but has become very rare in the last 8-10 months.

Anyhow, we had ended CDQ's day and she was bringing her water bottle out of her room. I wasn't in the kitchen but Hubbins and a few of the other kids were. CDQ was screaming at me from the top of her lungs. I don't know what she was saying because I didn't know she was screaming at me. I wasn't in there.

When I heard the screaming, I did go in there because I didn't know what was going on. I still hadn't realized that she was screaming at me. I thought something had happened in there.  But when I saw what she was doing, it didn't matter who she was screaming at. She was out of control, drooling on herself and spitting while she yelled. I remembered that I had to take the child out of the situation before it escalated further and I grabbed her hand and started to lead her out of the kitchen, she pulled away so I grasped her from her shoulders and told her the show was over and we were leaving the kitchen.

I started to lead her out of the kitchen and she literally threw herself on the floor (her mother used to pull that crap.)  But she was and still insists that I threw her on the floor.  The other kids who saw have tried to tell her she's lying but I've asked them to just let it go. Besides, at the time we had the video cameras recording it all.

I tried to pull her up to a standing position the best I could and finally got her to her room. She was hysterical. I still don't know if this was right or wrong, but I let her go on for about 5 minutes or so without saying a word.  I can't tell you what she said because I couldn't understand her.  I did slap her.

Not maliciously. I was not angry with her at all.  But I was at a loss and I thought that it would snap her out of it, just like tv. That is not an excuse and as stupid as it sounds...I don't know what the hell I would do if it happened again because at that moment. She stopped dead in her tracks. No more screaming, no more fake crying. She turned and looked at me dead in the eye and calmly said "You shouldn't have done that. I want you to call the police right now. That's child abuse."

Um, ok... I told her that was not child abuse and I reminded her that the cameras were running and caught everything.  I couldn't help but feel like that was her plan all along. To try and get me to hit her.  Except it didn't quite work out because I never got mad and I didn't even know she was still mad at me or that the whole thing had anything to do with me.

I've explained to her and all my other children lest they think it was abuse... that it might not be the best thing to do, but I've never seen anyone hysterical like that in real life and that's what I've seen done to help a person snap out of it.  I also told her apparently it works because you aren't screaming anymore and you are able to talk to me.  I did tell her that I would find out if there was a different way to take care of that.

I don't know. I've looked things up and I guess probably the best situation is to call an ambulance for her if it happens again. There was mention of restraining or causing pain or soothing and hugging the person.  None of those things seem right to me given our situation.  Getting her to medical attention makes the most sense but how am I supposed to get her in the van and to the ER, I guess?  I don't know. I'm saving that question for the new attachment therapist.

Anyhow, after "the slap", she was able to tell me that she believes she is an evil monster who was born this way and will always be that way and when I told her she wasn't she tried to argue with me but I didn't engage. So she started biting herself and yelling at me that she likes to hurt herself because it feels good and she hides it under her pants.

I told her I wasn't going to stand there and watch her hurt herself and I left the room.  I watched her from the video cameras and after I left she immediately stopped biting herself and started rubbing her spots where she had started biting.

I know for a fact that she's not cutting, scratching or biting anywhere visible. Her Pj's are shorts and a tank top and she likes to spread her legs for effect around here trying to show everyone everything.  There are no marks on her. I don't think she made that connection yet. I haven't mentioned it because the last thing I want to do is make her really do it for effect.


Things I've learned so far-

1.) My child is hurting, I can see it clearly.
2.) I need to figure out how to keep footage of any incidents like these for the protection of everyone. My current system records but it resets when it's full and starts recording over previous stuff.
3.) I need to never be alone with her and keep a close eye on anyone else that is alone with her. I've always been keeping a close eye on her when she's around others, but I didn't realize I was going to have to protect myself in the same way from her as well.

I look at all the things that went wrong in this situation and I still sit here not completely sure how it could have gone differently for the better.

4.) I'm concerned about my lack of feeling when I am around CDQ. I don't feel empty when I think about her or write about her but when I'm near her. I feel disconnected and like I am not myself.